A Letter from the Editors
When a man in an ironed black t-shirt, Patagonia vest, and blinding white sneakers first entered The John’s offices, we weren’t sure what to think. Marcus was his name (though he insisted we call him “Marco”) and he had come to us all the way from Palo Alto, California. He was an emissary for the new American elite. They had a proposition for us.
That proposition? Well… readers, they wanted The John to sell out! They wanted us to turn our back on our age-old tradition of shamelessly spreading misinformation and use our platform to shamelessly spread misinformation. Of course we laughed at this suggestion, pointing Marco to the door. The John cares deeply about democracy and free speech and all that stuff (okay not deeply, but we like it).
But then he made us an offer we couldn’t refuse:
Backstage tickets to Duran Duran.
Readers…. we couldn’t say no.
Call us sell outs, call us tools, call us cogs in the corporate machine. You’ve never seen “Hungry like the Wolf” from less than 10 feet away. You’ve never heard “Girls on Film” so crisply and clearly so as to finally unlock the song’s hidden meaning (hint: Vietnam).
You’ve never been approached after the concert by Simon Le Bon and had to graciously deny his request for a blowjob.
Now that’s what you call manufactured consent!
— Adam and Thomas, Editors-in-Chief
6 of the Best Deals on Amazon Right Now
The John may receive an affiliate commission if you choose to purchase any products featured in this article.
Apple USB-C to USB-A adapter (was $19, now $11)
Face it, you’ve lost the one you bought at the start of the year. Might as well buy two. (Don’t worry, you’ll lose both of them before the year is over.)
Vegemite concentrated yeast extract, case of 12 (was $60, now $54)
Here’s a review of this product from an anonymous employee at Amazon Fulfillment Center #DBL1 in Bristol: “This box has been sitting in our warehouse for seven months now. Please, someone take it off our hands. We’re desperate. We can throw in a free pen too, if you want it.”
The classic 1998 rap CD Doin Thangs by Big Bear (was $929, now $928)
The name “Big Bear” at the top with honey dripping off it... The two bears in the background mirroring each other… The delicious fruit basket in front of Mr. Bear (or “Big” to his bear friends). The bear with sunglasses. Did you know the word “bear” is actually a euphemism? The original Old English word was something like “arkto” or maybe “orx,” but people stopped saying it, maybe scared that if they said their “real” name, bears would show up and attack them. Oh and I guess there’s some music on it too.
Eggs (were $2.15 a year ago, now $4.15)
These aren’t on sale, but you better buy ’em now while you can still afford ’em! (zap) Oops, I just got shocked by my Neuralink™ brain implant. Let me try that again: Egg prices are the lowest they’ve been in over a decade, thanks to our President’s tremendous new tariffs on Canada and Mexico! It’s just another way that President Donald Trump and DOGE Secretary Elon Musk are Making America Great Again.
Gold-plated Tesla Cybertruck (was $1,000,000, now $700,000)
This item is only available for delivery by drone. Amazon is not responsible for any property damage sustained during delivery.
Indeterminate Object (was ?????, now ?????)
This one isn’t actually on Amazon. It’s just a thing that showed up at The John’s offices a couple weeks ago. None of us can make heads or tails of what you’re supposed to do with it. It looks like nothing you’ve ever seen, and something about it feels strangely sinister. If you can figure out what it is, it’s yours to keep.
New and Improved Wesleyan Fight Song
And then it’s fight for old Wesleyan, never give in.
(Except to the US government)
Johnson: Hey Johnson!
Fight to the end
When might and whites will win (eesh)
So keep on fighting till victory
Until Trump steps in
Johnson: Right back at ya, kiddo.
Johnson: Nice baby powder you made there.
Johnson: Ain’t nothing but the best.
Johnson: HAHAHAHA!
Then it’s stop blabbing Roth about democracy and Wesleyan! Go Wes!
Johnson:
Johnson: What do you think about modern geopolitical tensions in the Middle East?
Johnson:
Johnson:
Johnson:
Johnson: Well, back to that opioid settlement.
— Eva Gamboa
Coming Out as Straight
Dear esteemed friends and classmates,
I would like to publicly and formally inform you all of a recent change in my life — or rather, the lack of change, as I was #bornthisway. While society has pressured me again and again to conform to their “progressive” ideas, I’m taking a stand. I am no longer ashamed of my identity.
I am straight. I have always been straight, and I will continue to be straight. I love men! I was only “gay” because I was indoctrinated by the woke left (and the Chinese government on TikTok). Which I hated, mind you. Bleugh!
Let it be known that I like men and men only. I have no other attractions and am not able to empathize with those who have other opinions. If you choose to be gay, that’s your choice for sticking to the Status Queer.
I urge you all to question your sexualities.
Has society forced us to hide ourselves for the sake of “wokeness?” Are you really gay, or is it just the vaccine?
If you are a woman and also a lady-kisser, please do not approach me or try to make conversation with me because it will be clear that you actually have a major crush on me and are trying to convert me to lesbianism. Shame on you! Please, nobody besiege me for this decision. Love is love.
Your Hetero Homie, Jordana Treisman
Like Money-Hungry Grandfather, Like Money-Hungry Grandson
Dear Grandpa,
We never got the chance to meet (coal mines are hard on the lungs…especially during a cave collapse), but I’m your grandson, named after you — John. I wanted to update you on our family’s financial status since your demise.
Last summer, I was able to cross from New Jersey to New York through the Lincoln Tunnel, much like you did by sea from Italy (although the Lincoln Tunnel has more Italians). Like you, I arrived on the rocky shores of Ellis Island/Port Authority with nothing but the clothes on my back and my parents’ credit card in said clothes’ back pocket in case things got bad. Unlike you, I found a cushy job appeasing Manhattan’s elite inner circle of West Village grannies who required basic Adobe Premiere editing for their non-profit grant requests. I’m sure you had some experience with the likes of that while guarding the mob’s moonshine distillery in Staten Island. Did the mob also pay you in prosecco and goat cheese, or with charcuterie plate paisans? While you sleep with the fishes, I’m wolfing down caviar like nobody’s watching at this networking event.
I thought of you as I gazed out the window of my employer’s first-story brownstone, just a brie’s toss away from the Washington Square Arc. When you carted the marble through the city to construct the same arc painstakingly by hand, did you slip on the golden street below you? I learned as quickly as you must have that a white lie to your employer isn’t the worst thing in the world when it comes to making a living. A little resume polishing or “yeah, I’m proficient in spreadsheets” can go a long way, as I’m sure it did for you at the whale oil refinery! Maybe a little too well. If it wasn’t for that blubber infection, you might still be around today to rub your sacrifice in your grandchildren’s faces. Instead, we get that guilt through our parents, who remind us of the privilege of interning for no money. If it wasn’t for your time polishing skyscraper windows without a harness, I wouldn’t be able to schmooze it in the UCB theater basement during an interpretive puppet bar mitzvah. I hope you’re proud.
I think next summer I’ll get a real job likes one of yours. I’ll stay home where you dutifully planted our family and work a job I’m actually qualified for like retail or…retail. I’m sure this liberal arts education will pay for itself as soon as I graduate though. Until then, it’s back to the mines.
Love,
Nonna’s Little Meatball
Fun fact: Hand sanitizer kills bird
Wilder Perkins
Hey, it’s me. Slimjim Joe the Hobo Man. That’s my wife, Slamjam Jan the Hobo Woman. We’ve got three kids: Slomjom, Slumjum, and Nate. For twelve years we’ve been riding the rails, hitching the horse, copping the caboose, you know? It ain’t much, but it is illegal. Also, where the hell are we going? I lost all my maps back in ’82, and my globe in ’85. There ain’t no WiFi out here in the country, and Slimjim Joe the Hobo Man can’t travel by hunch alone.
That’s why I use StarLink Mini, a compact, portable kit that can easily fit in any bindle, designed to provide high-speed, low-latency internet on the go.
All my internet used to be highly-latent. I couldn’t figure out where to find slop troughs near me while also listening to “This American Life.”
Yeah, I like Ira Glass.
Now I navigate by the stars again — StarLink, that is. Anytime and anywhere, my Twitch chatters can stream my every move from oil tanker to wheat hopper.
Life’s tough out here on the rails. The coyotes keep stealing our dust jerky. We’re facing 34 counts of federal trespassing. But even though money’s tight right now, StarLink works with me to find a plan I can afford. I can pause and unpause service at any time. Billing is in one-month increments, allowing me to customize my service to my individual travel needs.
And let me tell you, my travel needs are individual. Ever wrangled a snake while filing your 1099s? Ever watched the last drop of water evaporate from your canteen while streaming Frozen 2? Ever shit in a hole while scrolling Bluesky?
Before StarLink Mini, I had to sleep with one eye open while the trainyard police patrolled. Now, I use Waze.
—
Thomas Lyons
Eliminate:
1. History — All that happened so long ago! Let sleeping dogs lie (especially that nasty WW2 stuff. Yeacchhhh.)
2. American Studies — We live in America. Take a walk outside. Go on a road trip? Have a hot dog. Have two. Heck, have a half dozen.
3. FGSS — Why pay for FGSS? There’s plenty of free info about women on Reddit. And 4chan. And Pornhub. Especially Pornhub.
4. That Kink and BDSM Workship they had with the dildos… you saw the poster — You don’t have to be a christian nationalist to have thought this was kinda maybe a little much. Like it was a little much, right? Not just me?
5. Center for Global Studies — These dummies hung the map upside down! Go to Fisk and check it out, it’s hilarious.
6. Condoms in dorms — Mr. Musk has a latex allergy.
Re-assign funds towards:
1. Bennet Hall — This place just has good vibes.
2. Double Chicken? Triple Chicken — Meet the new Mongo. GET PROTEIN LIKE A MAN.
3. College of Film and the Moving Image — We don’t love the area of study, but film bros? Those guys are awesome.
4. Paper towels everywhere — In dorms. In common areas. On top of vending machines. Under carpets.
5. Tuition decrease — Hey, wait, this is a good idea! Oh. Only for people from Westchester. And Cambridge.
6. On campus prenatal care — We know this kind of goes against our ideology, but see #6 under eliminate.
— Adam Wilan
Fuck It, ChatGPT Wrote This
Wesleyan University: The Ivory Tower That Will Let You In If You Can Prove You Don’t Need It
Wesleyan University, located in the absolutely adorable town of Middletown, Connecticut, is a bastion of intellectual prowess, cultural refinement, and, of course, the subtle art of proving that you’re so alternative, you don’t even need a degree to succeed in life. If you’re looking for a place where you can challenge the status quo by overanalyzing the status quo and then leaving campus every weekend to attend obscure underground shows no one else cares about, then Wesleyan is the place for you.
The
Admissions Process: It’s Not You, It’s Us
Let’s talk about admissions. Getting into Wesleyan is like being invited to a secret society, except you didn’t even know it existed until you applied. The process isn’t about grades or test scores—heavens no—it’s about an art: the art of subtly implying you’ve already achieved more in your 18 years of existence than the average Ivy League grad. You think you’re going to be accepted for your GPA or SAT score? Please. Try writing a 2,000-word essay about the deconstruction of capitalist aesthetics in the packaging of artisanal soap. Don’t forget to use at least 17 different fonts. Bonus points for discussing the rise of veganism in the context of global warming.
The Curriculum: 100% Liberal Arts, 0% Practical
Wesleyan’s curriculum is meticulously designed to ensure that you’ll never, under any circumstances, be prepared for a normal job. Sure, you’ll know how to discuss postmodernism until the cows come home, but if someone asks you to design a website or balance a budget, you might stare back blankly, clutching your beautifully bound thesis on “The Symbolic Nature of Grocery Stores in Dostoevsky’s Work.”
In Conclusion: Wesleyan—Where
the Future is Written by Your Own Indie Film
At the end of the day, Wesleyan University isn’t just a place to learn; it’s a place to become—become someone who can post on social media about their recent philosophical epiphany without anyone questioning whether they’ve read a single book outside of “The New Yorker” and “The Stranger.” You may not get a job, but at least you’ll be prepared to define what a job is on your own terms.
And if all else fails, don’t worry—you can always start your own podcast.
A Review of Game of Thrones
Warning: spoilers ahead
Lords and Ladies,
I started this past winter break lost, purposeless, adrift. What could I possibly do with all this time? Help those in need? Learn a new language? Write my novel? So many possibilities!
This problem was quickly solved when I discovered the obscure HBO original series, Game of Thrones — have you heard of it? What better way to spend my vacation than watch all eight seasons of this beautifully-crafted hidden gem!
Personally, I don’t know why people haven’t caught onto this series sooner. This show has it all: profanity, nudity, violence, incest, and dragons! In essence, Game of Thrones is about a throne made of swords and a lot of people want to sit on it! Sounds bland, right? But trust me, it’s full of incestuous lust, vengeful eunuchs, and even Ed Sheeran! If you dream of stripping disgraced leaders down naked, parading them through town, and pelting them with garbage, this is the show for you! I highly recommend this show if you have nothing to do over break and can spend 70 hours and 14 minutes watching this fantastical, magical medieval masterpiece.
After stumbling upon this niche knockout, I set out on a quest to see what else HBO/Max is hiding from us. Immediately my world opened to countless unfamiliar, but brilliant, tv series. And for as little as $9.99 a month, your life could be changed, too, with other little-known HBO showstoppers such as Sex and the City, Succession, and The Sopranos — don’t worry if you haven’t heard of them, few have.
“When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.” Well, friends, I say we win this game with ad-free Max, only $149.99 a year.
Winter is coming, Charlotte of the House Schatz
Report: Everything is cool when you’re part of a team Report: Things fall apart — we’ve all got work to do Report: Working 9 to 5 is a way to make a living
This is Not an Ad for Zima Dental Pods
As Cuthbert approached the looming castle of Sperling, a beam of sunlight, bright like a gleaming tooth, shone upon him. Down came a mystical agent in a variety of colors including, but not limited to, Arctic White, Jet Black, Sky Blue, and Rose Pink. It landed softly on the ground to address the meek yet noble Cuthbert.
“The prophecy is true!” he cried.
“Yes,” said the visually-appealing object that was compact enough to fit onto almost any bathroom countertop.
“Your weary journey to collect the golden chalice is nearing its end,” she continued (not even mentioning that Zima Dental Pods have a straightforward, 4-step process to cleaning retainers that makes it a great deal at a mere $99.99 USD).
“I am not worthy!” Cuthbert wailed. “My kingdom will beam with delight when their precious artifact is returned to them.”
The townspeople’s smiles would reveal major tooth decay and plaque buildup. This was due to their retainers, mouthguards, and dentures containing harmful bacteria and pathogens.
And so Cuthbert continued on his mystical journey ignoring the online reviews that said Zima Dental Pods frequently malfunctioned and were a scam. He also ignored the risk of oral health issues from using the product, as well as an unresponsive Zima customer service network. Cuthbert had taken a media literacy class at his monastery – he was smarter than those internet trolls and AI bots seeking to ruin Zima Dental’s reputation.
You dirty heathens.
— Jojo Treisman
Profit Before Plants: The John’s New Environmental Justice Statement
Throughout the years, The John Wesley Methodist Charter has been known on campus for its seminal environmental advocacy work in the greater Connecticut area. By leading inspired campaigns against deforestation and fracking, these motivated individuals have become a beacon for social justice at Wesleyan and beyond.
This February, however, after a meeting with the Trump Administration’s Committee for Environmental Profiteering, the editors at The John have begun critically rethinking their stances on deforestation.
“We have to start asking whether deforestation, ultimately, is the trees’ fault,” said Editor “Adam Wilan,” carrying a large briefcase of cash.
In order to determine whether the trees deserved the support of The John Wesley Methodist Charter, their team went out into the field to interview several trees.
“What are the most important issues facing women today?” No answer. “Where were you on January 6th?” No answer.
“As we can see from the extremely problematic silence of these trees regarding important issues facing women today, we owe them no protection. We need to consider that it’s possible that deforestation is not the fault of companies but rather the fault of the trees themselves, who are negligently existing on land that could be used for important profit,” Wilan opined, before getting back into their new (and very nice!) Lamborghini.
— Eliza Bryson
The John’s Guide to Fall ’25 WesMaps
Good Books on Bad Sex
Bad Books on Good Wars
Intro to English Cliterature: Finding the Hidden Works
Decolonizing the Hegemonic Food Systems of Northern Sweden
Deconstructing the Man Box in 16th
Century England Theorizing
Unfun fact: Chances are your childhood dog will die when you’re not home and think you abandoned it in its final moments :(
Dearest Dean Wood:
I hope this letter finds you well. Apologies for hand writing rather than an email — I’ve sworn off technology to avoid those tracking devices the news is always talking about. After careful consideration, I have decided to declare a University Major, following in the footsteps of alumni such as President Roth. I long debated being a government major or maybe an IDEAS major (I have plenty of those), but “University Major” rolls off the tongue so deliciously, that I could not deny myself the pleasure of saying it for the rest of my life. Now, you may be wondering what exactly my University Major will be, and don’t worry I’ll get to that. But first, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself and why I’m interested in such an esteemed major. My name is Julius Adolfus, and I’m from Brooklyn, New York, USA. My mother is a carpenter and my father a schoolteacher. Ever since I was young, I’ve aspired to be great and to share that greatness with the world.
Luckily for me, Wesleyan is an excellent place to network and spread my big ideas with my classmates. Next semester, I am planning on taking courses such as “Chinese Politics,” “Political Psychology,” “Immigration and Politics of Fear,” and “Alfred Hitchcock.” I believe these classes will help prepare me for everything that goes into taking over society and injecting my ideology into the brains of the masses. When it comes to choosing a faculty advisor, I’m hoping to work with someone who has experience in being an insufferable control freak, so probably someone from the physics department; I have always appreciated the ability of physics instructors to suck the joy from everything and everyone.
Anyways, I’m rambling. I’ll get straight to the point: I want to change the world. I will achieve this through my University Major with a concentration in “World Domination.” I have seen this path lead to success before and I know it would assist me in joining the likes of Elon Musk and Joe Rogan in the battle for planetary healing. I’m aware that it’s a highly selective major, but I have seen what Wesleyan has done for others, and if that one guy from the Blue Man Group could do it, so can I.
See you soon,
Julius Adolfus Wesleyan University Class of 2027
— Eva Gamboa
