Roaming Snyder Art/Music/Poetry Chapbook issue #1

Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

Roaming Snyder Publishing Presents: Roaming Snyder Chapbook Series Issue #1

Death Anxiety Poems

by Ronald J. Hoffman

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

All content Copyright 2017 Ronald J. Hoffman, Roaming Snyder Publishing.

Front Cover: Roads of Time. 12 x 12, oil on paper. Ronald J. Hoffman. www.roamingsnyder.com http://notesfromabum.blogspot.com/ twitter.com/roamingsnyder facebook.com/rjhoffmanart facebook.com/roamingsnyder http://crowbuzz.tumblr.com/

Table of Contents While I Watched You Dying ….......................................4 The Old Horse.................................................................5 The Boy and the Sea.......................................................7 These Dusty Roads........................................................10 The Road of Time..........................................................11 Sands of Zanzibar..........................................................12 Sleeping........................................................................14 We're Just Here To Tidy Your Assets Up a Bit.............17 Promises of Gold..........................................................19 A Handful of Clementines.............................................21 A Mother and Her Children...........................................23 About the Author...........................................................24

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman While I Watched You Dying While I watched you dying A drew a portrait of myself Years I was trapped gasping and crying and knowing you helped me live with myself The way this offer feels I just might accept it. Comfort can’t be felt nor the pain, And promises I seek from those who would pay me no attention.

Cracked leather inside, and knotted pine outside, the scent of cedar from an open chest My head on your lap as I wake screaming No one could get me when you were near One breath separates me from you and the creaking of your rocking chair, the smell of pine clots my eyes as my ears wash away regret with turpentine See me now?

Where are you now that I've been released myself?

All those faces I passed every day With their ridicule and aggression streamed past me, swallowed into the blackest of holes with the sound of your creaking chair, crickets in the trees feet on clay. There I lie dreaming.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

The Old Horse The old horse is led from the stable and taken behind the barn where he is fed dry hay and given a pale of water. But he is disinterested, dropping to roll instead and thrashing from the pain strangling his stomach.

Mike the Vet has come to this farm nearly thirty years to tend the dying, all the while witnessing the baby, the toddler, the girl, the young woman leading the horse that had been there even longer, that marked the change in voice from infant to adult, girl to woman.

Mike greeted Tom, who was there to pick up the dead animal, and showed him the horse lying with fluid draining out its nose, and with unreleased feces hanging out of its rectum. Tom chained its legs and winched the horse into the back of the hauler.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman As they waited for the horse to be dragged up into the hauler Tom turned to tell Mike “crazy weather changes this year, been really tough on livestock.

Kinda looks like pneumonia in most cases. Must be busy for you too, huh?”

Mike heard the words echo between his ears but his response was slow as he disengaged his imagination from the girl playing with her horse.

“Here, Mel, I picked this for you from Grandma's garden. Shh!I'll just put it back here in the corner so only you can see it. We won first prize yesterday Dr. Mike. Do you think Mel will be ok until morning, I got a date tonight.

Dad will be with him. Dad, can you make sure Mel gets that special grain I bought him? He isn't looking so well and I have to be getting back home.

Mike watched the horse's belly being pulled over the edge, it's mouth open and head bouncing with greenish fluid draining out it nostrils. There was a light wind, no sun seeping through the clouds.

From inside the barn a gelding is calling for his companion of so many years, anxious to hear a response. Mike can hear Tom speaking but runs to pick up a white rose that had been placed on the ground near the horse a few hours ago.

Tom watches the doctor pick up the rose and without looking back get in his car and leave.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

The Boy and the Sea Feet in the sand I watch the dolphins play So grateful I am to see the sun today I feel the breeze on my cheek and turn my head hear the birds in the trees reminisce I hold the key to what I've seen but I closed the door so no one else sees A flicker of light beckons me I turn to greet but others walk away

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman I kick the sand while someone's watching me A little boy in blue and green He skips a stone nonchalantly He turns to me and smiles There he goes along the shore away from me once in a while he turns to look at others indifferently As I look at the sea the dolphins are gone and there's no one but me I look to the sun to see where it takes me but all around the sky is gray.

I find a stone skip it on the sea remembering the boy who looked at me he went away but he has a home just like I do and it's time to go.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman These Dusty Roads While I walked dusty roads alone as a little boy, wandering the fields with an eye on home, I would wonder what would become of this place in my heart, would it turn to stone, hardened and discolored, or drip love like from the heart of a new mother? Would I feel the loving grasp of another...another who could soothe me in the Winter of my pain? When the Autumn came the stinging rain froze me to my view. I am older and I cannot be any bolder than any planning on what I've been used to. I can't see past the low walls, for on the ramparts sit the masters of my youth, guardians of my senseless fortune. The kings of the higher fortresses keep changing, yet no one is near me.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

The Road of Time

Days pass over by wagon wheel, slow around the corners, slow in the mud, and my little one's song spasmodically ripples my memory, her voice the wind on a prayer wheel spinning in my heart.

My neck is slumping lower from my shoulders and my legs aren't so steady anymore. And there was a time I didn't have to squint to see. Twenty years ago I started to come apart and I found myself coming together on these roads. And sometimes I get to feeling real lonely and longing for company, and then the road reluctantly leads me to town like a mother leading her child to school.

She sees there are men ahead standing in suits and wearing scars. I here her sob and I look back. She is gone.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

Sands of Zanzibar we are titans of zanzibar ocean waves rush the shore in Zanzibar we are the titans whom the bars tighten to years and leagues of disease we've captured earth meanings encircle our thoughts around ourselves with earth and her seasons though castles have erupted in lava on the sands of Zanzibar we took our rounds in holy proceedings chanting our prayers in hunched over greetings as the skies ripped like cloth above Zanzibar - that's who we are oceans earth gave lap the rocks and the caves where we hid our graves and the sirens show no fear in the straits of Zanzibar 12

Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman holy, this hour, captioned and viewed with subtitles we brave day after day dancing on flowers dropping the wood that centuries made not quite questioning anew while destroying the grave dripping the ram's blood leveling a mountain view to make way for a new wave a new warrior to pitch dirt on mounds we made to find the ambrosia we detested to hurl into the void hoping we can't or won't hear there is rain in the pines today, crickets in the leaves, a briny smell on the ocean breeze. the pocket of water where the crustaceans hide makes a gulping sound when you drop a stone in it. and all that survived the past drifts away like words on the mind in a freeway jam. buzzards clear the varmints from the road, snakes slither across paths, and the rocks will be here long after the last blast. logs will fall in the dark, bacteria will grow in a chemical stew under a blacked out sun and a lonely frightened beast filled with wonder will emerge from a cave in Zanzibar.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

Sleeping

Beyond the shadows sleeping on the edge of a leafless meadow weeping

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman You gather among your possessions pictures,timeless on a wall. Time began to fade before the calendar turned to watch you crawl.

Conceding what you hear but can’t seem to take your deliberately conceived expression hides all the fear you’ve kept inside Before you knew how to crawl you were limping forward and reaching and hitting your head against the wall.

How effortlessly you break things that steady you.

You make amends but your words have cut the net that breaks your fall.

“There’s always light in the corridor it’s just that there’s always blackness at the end.”

Wrinkled bed sheets Her soft and gentle fingers "love you" always in her eyes.

How could you have left her to stumble alone through the corridor while the sorrow tore your heart and left you gray?

“How did I come to this how did I come to where I am to bleed away in front of this?”

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman Hold steady take your grip close your eyes and let it go.

Awaken, what can you see is there spirit in your eyes?

Did you dream this dream before you realized behind every wall behind every door is a bleeding mirror that makes you a seer before you fall?

Peace of mind can’t make you happy when happy is what you can’t be everlasting love can’t be your mind you can’t break the way it comes to you.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

We're Just Here to Help Tidy Your Assets Up a Bit black sweeps the corner and leaves a fine residue feeds the morning mist shaker shaking fits the squirrels piled the leaves in the trees while the crows watched and had seen the hawks lying low waiting in the breeze.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman Just around the corner bank of dread makes promises for the tastes you shake up in your head and while you may occasionally pay late their eye is upon you counting all the ways you could be dead And now Winter is here it's cold ever near sawdust in your bones as you bank your fear because it doesn't matter what agency or company it is someone will always get what you leave

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

Promise of Gold I won't waste time stopping my fears But I wouldn't mind you stopping a while Gold is a waste if you can't see it taste it or feel it, take it out once a while.

Waiting for the Summer to please me, forward is a breath beyond illusion on my knees I drag my devotion to discover a source beyond my confusion.

But Summer keeps my faith that though we go, we go round and round with reason We do not hesitate because though we know the season We cannot know the day.

Before the sky turns to Fall we'll know the story this year's changes foretold we'll be at the starting gate of a new race forward and in many new ways we are promised gold 19

Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman A Handful of Clementines Up in time, there's a knock on the door You open wide but there's too much to live for to worry or fear what's on the other side but you hope someone is always near.

No luck to hide.

The wind, it shakes your ear.

With your worst faults proceeding Light is waiting for your sun.

Smoldering signs. You walk through them blind to the end and back again Eighty years never denied The best wishes you ever knew.

With unsteady hands, but certain purpose you woke on time to touch the curtain though thoughts and wishes are hard to find you take your cup and drain it blue.

Muscle in the darkness belching smoke aged by wind, seasoned by fire.

You are a handful of clementines You are the child who gave them to you.

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman

A Mother and Her Children Our voices will speak again of the green of these meadows, again, of this vicious rain.

Our hearts will again spoil us so we can keep again the vows we've made.

With rough hands undertaking, And hearts soft to our awakening, while onward the years crush with soft moans and earthly cries, we praise the dawn that spells our doom and breaks our ties.

We wait among the willows While Summer chokes with light steals the mist from our blooms scours our days with blight Our years measured in hours with faint, rhythmical bits Leaves us gray and withered With occasional, useful fits.

And yet the newborn scream bewildered and waiting, waiting for a smile upon awakening.

Our hearts leap to them, we move quickly to ease their pain.

It is noontime on the subway and a mother is holding an infant with a dirty diaper, another infant pleading with innocence "Save me!"

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Death Anxiety Poems by Ronald J. Hoffman About the Author Ronald J. Hoffman lives in Rockford, MI and authors the poetry, music, and art blog RoamingSnyder.com.. He has published one chapbook of poems titled The Songs of Barnabas Collins, as well as two Hard Rock CDs under the project name Roaming Snyder. His art work can be seen on Facebook at Facebook.com/RJHoffmanart.

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