On salad liberalism

On Salad Liberalism

Let’s all sit down for a moment, and agree on what the proper usage is of the word “salad.” I for one am a salad fundamentalist. I believe we have to limit that word salad to the salad fundamentals. Otherwise the word salad loses all meaning. Salad. You got your lettuce, and you got your option of cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, bell peppers, and things like that. Salad. The end.

I say that’s the end. But then there are all these salad liberals--and they apply an extremely wide definition to a word that’s supposed to have a specific meaning. By the way--when I say liberals, I’m not getting political. I’m not talking about political liberalism. I’m talking about salad liberalism. When it comes to the usage of the word salad, I am in no way, shape, or form a liberal. When it comes to the word salad, you can go ahead and call me Sean Hannity. Because when it comes to this particular topic, I have a Sean Hannity-like fervor in opposing any and all things that are salad liberal.

And you got all these people out there nowadays, they’re using salad in such a way, that the word is an umbrella term that can refer to way too many things. People have really made a habit of misusing that word. Fruit salad, tuna salad, bean salad, potato salad. Are you kidding me?!

You got a paper bowl filled with mayonnaise and potatoes--and you think that qualifies as a salad?! Apparently, anything can be a salad, as long as it’s eaten by a mammal. That’s salad liberalism.

In our modern, salad-liberalist society, you can use the word salad any way you want. That’s the America of today. We have no pride. No integrity. No character. We’re one step away from walking into a Krispy Kreme and saying, “Let me get a chocolate donut salad. Just cut up some chocolate donuts, and cover everything in syrup and sprinkles and cocaine. I gotta get my four daily servings of salad."

Let me tell you something about salad, ladies and gentlemen. A combination of donuts and syrup is not a legitimate salad, and neither is a combination of potatoes and mayo. Someone can call it a salad, just like someone can call a Ford Fiesta a luxury vehicle. But that doesn’t change the fact that a brand new Ford Fiesta costs $14,000 and a plate of potato salad contains 827 calories.

Do you get what I’m saying? I’m saying if we want to live in an orderly society, we need salad laws, in order to preserve the sanctity of actual salads. Let me explain what an actual salad is. It’s something that contains raw vegetables--and if you want to get a little crazy, you can put a few croutons on top. A few croutons per plate of salad. As in, if you got a quarter pound of lettuce, you can have up to five croutons. If you go six, then that’s where you’re beginning to deviate from the path of salad, and you’re starting to enter the territory of sandwich. Because you’ve accumulated too much grain on your salad plate. If you want to have that much grain, then you need to eat a sandwich or maybe pasta or cereal, and refer to the freaking thing as a sandwich, pasta, or cereal. Don’t load a salad plate up with croutons, and call the damn thing a salad.

You can’t have too much grain on your salad plate. And you also can’t have cheese. If you have ample amounts of grain and cheese on your so-called, then guess what? You’ve made it past salad and sandwich territory, and approached the pizza zone. You’ve basically made a pizza.

When I walk through a restaurant and see those types of salads on tables, I go ahead and slap the croutons and cheese off those plates.

That’s right. I’m someone who realizes that a real salad is not supposed to resemble a sandwich or a pizza, nor is it supposed to be chock full of potatoes or beans..A real salad is raw vegetables.

Especially disgusting vegetables, like alfalfa and radishes. Now that’s what I call a real salad. A plate filled with lettuce, alfalfa, and radishes.

As for a potato salad, it’s a salad the same way Colonel Sanders was a Colonel. He wasn't a military Colonel. He was a guy who wore a white suit and sold buckets of fried chicken.