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Students boycott new cafeteria food “We have nothing to complain about anymore,” students claim. » Full story on page 27
Communications major stutters through symposium presentation “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate,” adviser said. » Full story on page 64
RC gym project postponed again Incidentally, Dr. Tyson buys a new yacht. » Full story on page 17
Pledge Week Activities Cause PTSD Following social club pledge week, RC psychology department saw a drastic influx of counseling appointments. The cause of students’ emotional distress? PTSD from pledge week activities. “I knew having pledge week was a bad idea,” Dean of Students Candace Cain said. “RC students just aren’t equipped to deal with that level of duress.” The United Nations has since condemned pledge week activities, which range from such terrifying experiences as “being outside” to “wearing a t-shirt,” as tactics of torture. “We haven’t seen this many clinical reports of PTSD since our soldiers got back from ‘Nam,’” Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald said.
The adjustment back to civilian life has been difficult for many pledges, but day-by-day, they are getting by. “Before I transferred to RC, I pledged Sigma Theta Omega 3 Fatty Acid,” freshman Annika Huey said, referring to Oakland University’s most notorious sorority. “As part of our initiation, I had to pull off all of my toenails and string them into a necklace for the chapter president. I still can’t walk right today,” Huey said. “But none of that comes close to the trauma I experienced as a Sigma Phi pledge.” While Cain is not disbanding social clubs, she is calling for a restructuring of pledge week. “Clubs can still meet next year,” Cain said. “But pledge week as we know it will be different.”
Residence Hall Pot Bust Becomes Pet Bust For weeks, RC residential students complained about a stench seeping from room 103 in Ferndale Hall every afternoon around 4:20 p.m. “We didn’t want to have to intervene. Drug busts are no fun to make, but after a while, enough was enough,” Mercedes Hostetler, Ferndale RA, said. “We ran out of options,” RA Shelby Ramey agreed, noting that residence life staff had tried every tactic from “pretending the problem didn’t exist” to “sending passive-aggressive all-school emails,” but to no avail. “We hate to do it, but we had to move into code red: addressing the problem directly,” Ramey said. However, when Residence Life Director Debi Rutledge knocked on 103’s door, she was amazed to find seniors Beth Hagerman and Natalie Redmond stone cold sober.
“The room stank, but it wasn’t Mary Jane’s fault,” Rutledge said. “The worst of the smell was coming from the bathroom, but the girls denied hiding anything.” However, when Rutledge pulled back the shower curtain, she couldn’t believe her eyes. “Beth and Natalie were hiding a skunk. They’d put a litter box in there and everything,” Rutledge said. Through tears, Hagerman explained how exhausting senior year had been and how much having a pet had helped her cope. “Keeping a Scottie dog in the dorms seemed impractical, but I thought a mid-sized forest creature was a good compromise,” Hagerman said. Redmond tried to deny she even knew the skunk was a skunk. “I always thought it was, like, a dank hedgehog,” Redmond said.
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Under Cain’s revamped vision, pledges will be automatically admitted into clubs after idly thinking about joining one. “This new system will make clubs more inclusive. As soon as pledges think about maybe joining a club, they will be permitted full member status,” Cain said. “This method will make sure no one gets their feelings hurt.” However, if club presidents fail to accommodate that new member, the clubs will face a penalty. “After all, pledge week’s old goals of unity and teamwork have turned out to be shockingly abusive,” Cain said. “Our new admission method of pandering and micromanaging will be more aligned with RC’s goals.”