By Michele Wojciechowski
Stupid Things Not to Do When You Get Older Steven Petrow's Advice On Stupid Things Not to Do When You Get Older
parents] both became ill, I came to realize that they were doing as well as they could. I kind of missed out on that part early on, and my heart was much more full for the choices that they've made, but also for the fears they faced.
The author’s new book gives ideas on how to age better than the generations before us When author Steven Petrow was in his 50s and his parents were in their 70s, he began to see them making quite a number of decisions that he thought weren't in their best interests. He started to make notes, which led first to a New York Times column (more on that later) and now a book: "Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old: A Highly Judgmental, Unapologetically Honest Accounting of All the Things Our Elders Are Doing Wrong." Petrow, now 64, took time to talk with us about his book and what he's learned from writing it. What follows is our interview, edited for length and clarity. Next Avenue: What did you first notice that your parents were doing that you didn't think was best for them? Steven Petrow: They were kind of small things at first. My dad had started tripping and then falling over the throw rugs in their house, but my mom loved the throw rugs and she wouldn't pick them up. So, it's like style over substance. I read that, and I thought, oh my god, pick up the rugs. The rugs never came up. Then my dad needed physical therapy, but it hurt him. I've had physical therapy, and it does hurt sometimes. But he declined it, and wound up really impacting his mobility. I was just taking these notes and kind of adding to my list. It got to about 100 items, and I write for The New York Times and The Washington Post, and I thought there's something there. It started off with a
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column called "Things I Will Do Differently," so a little bit less sass in the title. I'm talking about these tough issues to talk about; illness, mobility, disability and then eventually death and dying. I was trying to sort of provide a little bit of a guide to talking about them and using humor in real-life circumstances. So, that column was published. It was on the Most Read list for two weeks, got a lot of attention, and then people started sending me their lists — like two hundred, three hundred lists. Just incredible. I thought I was the only secret snitch, but no, everybody is keeping a list to try to do better for themselves for the next generation. Nobody was doing it in a meanspirited way. Some were hysterical in their own ways, and that's how the book came to be, because it seemed like there was an appeal to how we look at these issues of aging and what comes next. What are some of the most important things you learned that you wanted to pass on to people that perhaps you hadn't thought about before? The greatest lesson was about empathy, because when I started off keeping my list, I remembered my dad pretty much saying the same thing about his own parents. But as time went by and then after [my
I tell the story in the book of how we hoped they would go to a continuing care community. My brother took them to one near his house because they were living in the middle of nowhere on a cliff. The community they visited served fish for lunch that day, and my mom said, 'I don't like fish, so no go.' She's a very direct person. So, they said no, but then they said 'we don't want to become a burden to you' — and that sentence is probably on half of the lists that people sent to me. It was irksome, and in many ways, they did become a burden. A burden that we still loved them -- but dealing with emergencies, health aides that needed to be hired and fired, et cetera. Two years ago, I decided I don't want to become a burden to my nieces. I was recently divorced, and I needed a plan. So, I went to look at a couple of these continuing care communities and honestly, I had the same level of denial and fear. They were perfectly nice communities. I do eat fish, so that was not a problem. It was shrimp scampi that day. But also in the dining room, there were able-bodied older people, and then there were older people who had had strokes, were using walkers, and I bailed. I bailed in the middle of the tour. But I sent my deposit check in so I could say I have a Plan B. It's hard. It's harder than people think. So,
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