Riverfront Times, September 30, 2020 by Riverfront Times

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SEPTEMBER 30-OCTOBER 6, 2020

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SEPTEMBER 30-OCTOBER 6, 2020

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RIVERFRONT TIMES

MARCH 6-12, 2019

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THE LEDE

“It just makes me terrified for my friends, for my daughter — like how is she supposed to live in a world knowing that she can be a victim to a crime of people in power and nothing’s going to happen? So police can do whatever they want to her or her friends or her family. It just doesn’t matter. It’s just like, how many times are we going to do this?”

PHOTO BY THEO WELLING

ALEXANDRA KAYSER, PHOTOGRAPHED WITH HER DAUGHTER KAILYN KAYSER AT A VIGIL FOR BREONNA TAYLOR IN DOWNTOWN ON SEPTEMBER 24 riverfronttimes.com

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GET READY TO VOTE

n the battle smoke of campaign season, the logistics of actually voting can get lost in the haze. So how are you going to do it? In person? Absentee? Maybe you want to take advantage of Missouri’s new mail-in option? If you’re not sure, we’re here to help. The RFT’s Jaime Lees has pulled together a super useful guide to help you choose the right method and follow all the rules to make sure your vote is counted. And if you still have questions, we’ve provided the websites to visit and numbers to call. So start making your plan, and if you’re voting by mail, get started right away. Whatever you do, just vote. Please, please, please vote. — Doyle Murphy, editor in chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS CAN’T

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Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Doyle Murphy

E D I T O R I A L Digital Editor Jaime Lees Interim Managing Editor Daniel Hill Contributors Trenton Almgren-Davis, Cheryl Baehr, Eric Berger, Jeannette Cooperman, Thomas Crone, Mike Fitzgerald, Judy Lucas, Noah MacMillan, Andy Paulissen, Justin Poole, Christian Schaeffer, Theo Welling, Danny Wicentowski, Nyara Williams, Ymani Wince Columnist Ray Hartmann Interns Steven Duong, Riley Mack, Matt Woods A R T

& P R O D U C T I O N Art Director Evan Sult Editorial Layout Haimanti Germain Production Manager Haimanti Germain M U L T I M E D I A A D V E R T I S I N G Advertising Director Colin Bell Account Managers Emily Fear, Jennifer Samuel Multimedia Account Executive Jackie Mundy Digital Sales Manager Chad Beck Director of Public Relations Brittany Forrest

COVER The Ultimate Guide to Voting in St. Louis

C I R C U L A T I O N Circulation Manager Kevin G. Powers

Got questions? We’ve got answers about absentee ballots, registering, mail-in voting and more Cover design by

INSIDE

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HARTMANN The Governor’s Fitness COVID-19 enters the governor’s mansion. It ain’t pretty BY RAY HARTMANN

t had barely been announced that the governor and first lady had tested positive for COVID-19 when the snarky voices of social media began bellowing their glee. “Looks like Governor’s Mansion is a more dangerous place to visit tonight than the Donald Trump rally,” smirked one AM radio talk host to her thousands of Twitter followers.

An avalanche of posts rained down upon the governor at a time of personal health crisis for himself, his wife and family. Some claimed it was a political stunt or hoax. One observed, “The only public health threat is that douchebag (governor).” One courageously anonymous poster cackled: “I’ll bet they’re really on your prayer list.” Still another proclaimed, “CORO AVIR S CO LD ’T HAVE HA E ED TO A ICER ERSO ” But enough about Virginia. Governor Ralph ortham and his wife amela announced they had tested positive for COVID-19 just two days after Governor Mike arson and his wife Teresa released the identical news here in Missouri. Interesting symmetry: one Democrat, one Republican. And one pandemic disease that isn’t registered to vote. Virginia is for haters, to be sure. But while the reaction in Missouri wasn’t all warm and fuzzy from those of us who want to vote

out arson, the vibe here tended more toward “karma’s a bitch” than those openly pulling for the first couple’s demise back east. Mike and Teresa arson and Ralph and amela ortham deserve concern and compassion. But because they’re public people, they get scrutiny, and their misfortune gets plastered against the backdrop of politics. If you’re not ready for that, you find a different line of work. In arson’s case, a picture’s worth a thousand words. And there’s about a thousand pictures out there of the governor (and in some cases, first lady) smiling — with and without masks — at recent fundraisers with supporters whose loyalty was about to be rewarded with a stick tickling their brain through their nose. That doesn’t count showing up at Tiger Woods’ golf tournament in Branson. That computes to about a million words, so I’ll use just a handful of mine: Wear your dang mask, governor And while you’re at it, the next

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time you’re advised to institute a dang statewide mask order by the dang national andemic Task Force of the very dang narcissist-in-chief before whom you grovel like a dang snow ake, institute the dang statewide mask order. Dang, governor. WTF To avoid copyright infringement, let us state expressly that arson’s most singular national achievement was the coining of that phrase, “dang mask.” All rights reserved, including last rites for the 2,063 Missourians who have died from COVID-19 according to arson’s Department of Health and Senior Services (DHSS) at press time. This isn’t the only news. That number jumped by 69 deaths in one 24-hour period late last week. It may be a lot higher by the time you read this. This is not the China Virus, it’s the Missouri Virus now, and yes it matters that it has happened on arson’s watch — and that it’s spiraling upward at a time the messaging from the home

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HARTMANN

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office in Moscow reads, “We’ve turned the corner.” Mike and Teresa arson are special people to their friends, family and admirers. But guess what So are the other 122,012 Missourians who have been infected by COVID-19, according to DHSS statistics. (Again, we note this is at press time, since the total keeps growing at such an alarming rate). The arsons are no more or less important than those other Missourians. But they are different in one respect: It was arson who was tasked with the job of keeping this from happening to the extent to which it has. That needed to include working around the president of his own party when necessary, like some other Republican governors. Early on, arson received widespread praise from fellow Republicans for keeping his cool, unlike those in “Democrat-run” states. arson also had needed to defend his rear ank from a primary challenge from disgraced ex-Governor Eric Greitens, who lurked wistfully atop his basement steps. By March 26, the coast was clear politically for arson, and he looked quite good to the faithful in the Missouri Times. “Missouri has issued fewer sweeping statewide mandates than other states comparable in size when dealing with the global coronavirus pandemic — but thus far it’s in the bottom cluster of states in terms of positive cases, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and revention (CDC),” the Times reported. That sounded much more appealing when the state didn’t have hospitals filling dangerously to capacity in arson’s native southwest Missouri — notably Springfield — precisely six months down the road. It was not anticipated on March 26 that on September 26 Missouri would be at the beginning of a span of record-setting hospitalizations. There was also this: “Missouri is unique in some regards. While all public districts and charter schools shuttered by March 19, Missouri is the only state that didn’t force a closure,” the Times reported. “Instead, Gov. Mike arson left the decision up to local districts.” Those districts universally took it upon themselves to do what the governor didn’t have the chops to do: Follow the same path as 49 other states. On the other hand, Missouri was one of only two states requesting a “federal disaster dec-

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laration,” which initially struck fear into the heart of the virus. How did that work out arson is fortunate about one thing: Democrats don’t know how to fight like Republicans. It is a grand understatement that Ralph ortham will receive far nastier treatment in the hopeful event that both men and their families recover from the virus. ortham already is a prime target, thanks to his having horrifically indulged in Blackface activities in the past. He also has the misfortune of having the Washington Post as one of his hometown newspapers. Democrat or not, here’s how the Post treated his early missteps which, in some ways, resembled those of our Missouri governor: “ ortham stumbles through a crisis that should have made him a rock star,” a Post opinion headline proclaimed. It seemed puzzled that ortham’s status as the only doctor among the nation’s governors hadn’t informed him better. “ ortham’s medical training uniquely positioned him for confident, assertive and sure-footed leadership of Virginia in the defining crisis of our time,” the Post stated. “But his stewardship has been marked by confusion, halting half-measures, questions about whether testing data were fudged to begin a reopening early and a bewildering resistance to providing timely, essential information to an anxious public.” erhaps the principle of “doctor heal thy constituents in a pandemic” was no more applicable in Virginia than it was, say, in St. Louis County. But I digress. All of the specifics cited against ortham can also be laid at arson’s doorstep. arson’s non-response didn’t even rise to the level of stewardship. Were arson a Democrat, he’d be getting blistered unsparingly like ortham. Missouri’s terrible COVID-19 response would be State Auditor icole Galloway’s strongest — and loudest — talking point during her campaign to take arson’s job. We’ll see if that happens in the next five weeks. Meanwhile, Missourians should wish arson and the first lady a full and speedy recovery: back home in olk County, where they should be sent packing. n Ray Hartmann founded the Riverfront Times in 1977. Contact him at rhartmann@sbcglobal.net or catch him on St. Louis In the Know With Ray Hartmann and Jay Kanzler from 9 to 11 p.m. Monday thru Friday on KTRS (550 AM).

NEWS What Survivors of a Serial Harasser Wish They Had Known Written by

DOYLE MURPHY

he women know a lot now that they wish someone would have explained when they were first under attack. The list includes things like the steps for applying for an order of protection and what parts of your story make a difference in front of the grand jury. They still find it frustrating that so much of discovering what they needed to know fell to them at a time when they were rattled, but now that the man who harassed and threatened them along with multiple other women is set to leave prison, they would like other women to know he’ll be out there, in case he begins again. “I’m not afraid for my own self,” says a woman, whom we’ll call Carolyn for the purposes of this article. “But this guy really seems to have a psychosis that needs deep mental health attention.” Robert Merkle, 51, is due to walk out of Tipton Correctional Center on October 2, maybe earlier, after spending just short of two years and two months in state prison. He was convicted in 2018 of three felony and three misdemeanor counts of harassment. He was sentenced to twelve years total, but because he is being allowed to serve the sentences for each count simultaneously, his punishment was only three years. He’ll serve the final year on parole. Carolyn isn’t sure how she landed on Merkle’s radar. Maybe through Meetup.com, a site that helps people find activities, including discussion groups, social events, lectures and nature out-

Rebecca and Angela hope to protect others from the abuse. | COURTESY OF CASEY OTTO ings. Because you can see if other people sign up for the same activities as you, Merkle used it to track women. He also used a number of dating apps, often under assumed names, which included David, James and Blaine. Sometimes, he would cross paths with a woman in person and become obsessed. He would send a barrage of messages, starting casually in many cases only to escalate rapidly to terrifyingly detailed threats of rape. Carolyn showed St. Louis police the rape threats he sent, and they put a car in front of her place for a little while. The messages eventually stopped, and she learned later he had been arrested. “Whatever his game was with me, it was never completed,” she says. She later connected with Rebecca by chance. (Rebecca requested that she be identified only by her first name.) Meeting for coffee about unrelated matters about a year ago, they ended up sharing stories of their harassment and realized they had both been targeted by the same man. The charges against Merkle involved six women, but three of the women interviewed for this story say they were told by police that he was messaging many more, possibly dozens, in Missouri and beyond. “His target is not one woman,” Rebecca says. “It’s a whole class of women.” Specifically, he picked white women between the ages of 20 and 40. Rebecca’s encounter with him after going on a seemingly

unremarkable date led to one of the three felony convictions. She has been steadfast in standing up against him in hopes of aiding others: She spoke at his parole hearing in January 2019, and because only victims in the felony cases were allowed to attend, she brought another victim, Angela, who had a misdemeanor case against Merkle. Rebecca says it can be hard to know what to do when an abuser sets his sights on you. “One of the challenges for a lot of us at the beginning was knowing who to contact,” she says. There are the police, of course. But their response can vary widely. Rebecca knows of one woman who said officers made a joke when she reported what was happening to her. “That’s not what a victim needs to hear,” she says. In other instances, police have been extremely helpful. Through Angela, Rebecca connected with St. Louis Detective Martin Garcia, who led the investigation into Merkle. He has been diligent, accessible and ultimately effective, and a number of the women continue to check in with him as they prepare for Merkle’s release, people interviewed for this story say. But there are other resources, such as Safe Connections (24-hour crisis helpline, 314-531-2003), an organization that works against domestic and sexual violence. They can start working with people before and after police get involved — that is, if police involvement is even part of the strategy that people choose.

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Brigid Welch, Safe Connections director of crisis and prevention, says there are hundreds of resources in the St. Louis area. “A thing I usually say to survivors and those who want to support survivors is ‘You don’t don’t know what you don’t know,’” Welch says. “If you have never gone through this situation, you wouldn’t maybe know about the order of protection process or about advocates or organizations or anything like that.” Welch says it’s important to empower people to create their own plans, rather than becoming one more person trying to control their actions. Even with COVID-19 shutdowns at St. Louis and St. Louis County courthouses, hearings for the orders of protection are still happening virtually. The city and county each have information about that online. The city also provides information by phone at 314-622-4434. The county number is 314-615-4725. The state court’s website (courts.mo.gov) also has information and forms in its “adult abuse” section. Welch says people seeking an order of protection can apply without a lawyer, and often abusers don’t show up for hearings. If people feel concerned about their lives or safety, they should tell a judge that, she says. Advocates can help walk them through the process and explain the forms and order. One of Angela’s frustrations with the justice system in her dealings with Merkle was being denied an order of protection. Her contact with Merkle began in 2017 when she signed up to attend a discussion group promoted through Meetup.com. Merkle had seen her at a previous group and soon began sending messages threatening sexual violence. She hurried to get an emergency order but was denied. She’s still not sure what she should have done differently. She went to the group meeting, but with her boss and other supporters in tow. Merkle never showed up, maybe because he was arrested the same evening. Angela had taken the bold steps of posting about Merkle on Facebook, and then appearing in news stories, hoping to find other women he had targeted. It worked. She met Rebecca through a mutual friend after her Facebook post,

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St. Louis Public Radio’s Tim Eby Replaced as GM Written by

DANIEL HILL

ongtime general manager for St. Louis Public Radio (90.7 KWMU) Tim Eby is “no longer serving in that role,” according to an email sent to staffers last week. The email from University of MissouriSt. Louis’ Vice Chancellor of Advancement Paul Herring says the station has hired Tom Livingston of Livingston Associates as interim general manager “effective immediately.” (St. Louis Public Radio operates as part of UMSL.). Eby had held the title of general manager at STLPR for nearly twelve years and wil stay at the station for six months as a consultant. Herring’s email is light on details in regard to Eby’s ouster, instead focusing on Livingston’s credentials. But the close of the message does seem to imply that it has to do

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and she connected with other women who saw her on the news. Merkle had targeted multiple women across jurisdictions. Through two friends — one a police officer and another who had the computer skills to trace Merkle’s semi-anonymous web profiles back to him — Angela was able to pull together a fuller picture of his harassment and get the attention of the police department. He’s never been charged with physically carrying out his threats. However, he told some women that he had strangled an undergrad at Saint Louis University while sexually assaulting her, bragging in one message “she went to the er after I was finished.” Welch from Safe Connections says even the act of collecting and saving messages from abusers can be traumatizing. She says she’s seen people meticulously catalog online harassment only to have a judge refuse to look at their files. “That can be really devastating.” She recommends that they consider the emotional tax of the work. If they feel they need the info, they should do what they need to do without letting it consume them. “Try to have a life outside of the documenting of this,” she says. Angela agrees that holding onto the messages can be overwhelming, but she thinks documenting can be important.

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with recent allegations of racism leveled at the station in general and Eby in particular by some of the journalists in its newsroom. “As you are aware, the external investigation of the diversity, equity and inclusion practices at the station in response to your concerns remains underway and I continue to encourage your participation in this process,” the email reads. As previously reported by the RFT, those allegations were made public in August through a pair of posts published on Medium — one authored by the station’s afternoon newscaster, Marissanne LewisThompson, and one with a group byline listed as “STLPR Reporters & Producers of Color.” Those posts allege a culture of systemic racism at STLPR, with Eby mentioned specifically. Both posts mention a formal letter that was signed by more than two dozen employees and submitted to Eby on July 1, calling for the ouster of then-director of radio programming and operations Robert B. Peterson III, and accusing Peterson of discrimination. The hope, according to Lewis-Thompson’s post, was that Eby

“Maybe screenshot it and put it in a folder you rarely look at,” she suggests. Angela (identified by her first name at her request) was one of the women called in front of a grand jury in St. Louis. She assumed someone might prep her for what to expect, but that wasn’t the case. She says she went in blind and was asked only if she went to work after receiving the threats. She had, but she didn’t get to explain that she went to work because she felt safer there around more people. Her case, as horrific as many of the others, was treated as a misdemeanor, instead of a felony. She wishes she had known that the difference between a misdemeanor and a felony often rests on the degree of harm in icted. This is the sort of information she can now pass on to others, but she and the other women say they also now know of the gaps that remain in the system. They haven’t been told if there are conditions of Merkle’s parole to keep him from going online or to monitor what he’s up to if he does. He was an IT professional before his arrest and tried to frighten his targets with details he’d found about them and their families. As far as they know, his electronics weren’t confiscated. “Since nothing was confiscated from him and we already know how savvy he is in IT, no matter what kind of therapies he’s gone through, it’s like putting an addict back in the same place, because he’s going to get everything back,”

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would hold Peterson accountable. “That did not happen,” Lewis-Thompson wrote. “Instead, Tim announced Robert’s retirement on July 21. Instead of acknowledging the harm, Tim noted in an email ‘Robert’s unwavering enthusiasm for St. Louis Public Radio and the people in this organization.’ A retirement celebration for Robert was canceled only after repeated complaints from staff.” Additionally, Lewis-Thompson noted multiple instances of racism she experienced personally at the station while Eby was present, but silent. In one case, in November 2018, Eby introduced Lewis-Thompson, who is Black, to one of the station’s donors, a white woman, who commented, “I’m so happy they hired someone who looks like you.” According to Lewis-Thompson, Eby apologized for not speaking up about the comment — months later, and only after other employees of color confronted station management about problematic donors and sources. Then, in August 2019, Lewis-Thompson says she was in the station’s lobby when Eby, who was standing with an el-

Robert Merkle. | COURTESY OF ST. LOUIS POLICE Angela says. Merkle’s attorney did not respond to a request for comment. Rebecca had asked at the parole hearing that Merkle undergo a full psychological profile, but she doesn’t know what, if any, programs he’s completed in prison or whether he will be required to attend any once he’s out. Since he wasn’t convicted of a serious sexual offense, he won’t be added to the Missouri Highway Patrol’s sexual offender registry. There are changes to the system that Rebecca would like to see. She doesn’t think there should be a statute of limitations on harassment cases, because the experience of being targeted can be so jarring that it can be difficult to navigate the legal system right away. She also thinks there should be

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derly Black man and a white man, called her out by name. “He introduced me. We talked for a bit,” she wrote. “Then the Black man said I wasn’t what he pictured. I asked what he meant. He said, ‘You don’t sound, you know, ethnic.’ “I was stunned,” she continued. “Once again, I waited for Tim’s reaction. I was hoping he would say something to the man right then and there. When that didn’t happen, I thought Tim would at least acknowledge what happened as we rode the elevator together immediately afterward. He didn’t. Only after I had posted on Facebook about the comment did he apologize — an hour later.” When asked by RFT for a comment on the allegations in July, Eby said the station was “not unlike other newsrooms across the country who are re-examining the experiences of people of color in our ranks and we are dedicated to learning more and finding improvements in our processes as well as our practices to support a welcoming and inclusive environment.” We reached out Eby again for this story, but he didn’t respond. n

ways to shift some of the burden off of victims. On the day Merkle pleaded guilty to several cases in St. Louis, she hadn’t even been informed her case was among them. She just showed up for a hearing to familiarize herself with the process and was shocked to find her case had been bundled with the others — and wouldn’t result in any additional years in prison for the man who terrorized her. “I remember driving home, pulling into my parking spot and bawling, just bawling,” she says. “Part of it was stress release, but part of it was, ‘What the heck was that bullshit?’” But Merkle didn’t win. Rebecca can look back and see things that inspired her. She had marched in the Women’s March in Washington, D.C., and from that had taken the message that she couldn’t be silent. She became close friends with Angela, and she began to spend more time in nature and working out. Merkle had tried to fill his targets with terror, but Rebecca has found ways to reduce the anxiety — and build strength through her connections with the other women and her own actions. “It was in the process of me preparing for court, and then me preparing for the parole board where I had a personal trainer, and I was going to a gym and spending a good amount of time with a punching bag, getting my heart rate up and sweating real bad, and it was gross, it was horrible. I loved it,” she says. “But I would come back happy.” n

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BY JAIME LEES

The big election will be upon us soon,

but many people in St. Louis are still unsure about how they are going to actually vote. Information on the different types of voting options has been spotty and unorganized, so we’ve put it all together here for you.

We’ve created a guide organized around the three ways to vote: in person, absentee and the newly created category of mail-in voting. At the end of each of those sections, you’ll find answers to common questions related to that particular method. Want to know which style of voting fits you best or the last day your mail-in ballot can be received ou’ll find the answers in this guide. The “absentee” option is particularly confusing this year, but we’ve done our best to make it easy

for you to understand the different options and answer any questions you might have about each style of voting. We spoke to election officials in both the city and the county to gather this information, and in addition to being some of the most helpful and patient people you could ever encounter, they all stressed that it is so important to get your vote counted as soon as possible this year. Delays in the mailing system are expected, so they recommend that if you’re mailing in your ballot, you get it filled out and sent in right away. And if you’re not registered to vote yet, it’s not too late! You can register and be a part of history. To register in just a few easy steps, visit the Missouri secretary of state website: www.sos.mo.gov/ elections/goVoteMissouri/register. Let’s get started.

1. VOTE IN PERSON THE DAY OF THE ELECTION

his classic style of voting means that you show up in person to your local polling place or a satellite voting location on Tuesday, November 3. To save time and possibly some arguing with on-site election officials, don’t forget to bring your voter postcard that includes your precinct number, your voter ID and your personal cheat sheet to remind yourself how you’re voting on each issue on the ballot. (Researching all of those judges. Ugh.) You’ll also need to bring your face mask or covering because you’ll be in a public place and also because you’re not a jerk. It couldn’t hurt to bring along some hand sanitizer, too, so you can blitz any potential cooties on your hands after touching pen-

cils, booths or voting machines.

What are the voting hours on Election Day?

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR IN-PERSON VOTING:

missioners/sign-up-to-work-thepolls.cfm

Polling places are open from 6 a.m. until 7 p.m. on Election Day, November 3. If you are in line to vote at 7 p.m., you have the right to cast your vote. If you are still in line at 7 p.m. and someone tries to send you home and deny you your right to vote, do not take no for an answer. Ask for a supervisor and an on-site voting advocate.

• Find information to volunteer at polls in the county at vote4stlco. com/pollaccess/ or by emailing electionstaffing@stlouisco.com or calling 314-615-1865.

Where is my polling place? Missouri’s Voter Outreach Center on the secretary of state’s website can tell you not only where to find your polling place, but also what candidates and issues will be on the ballot. Visit https://voteroutreach.sos.mo.gov/PRD/VoterOutreach VOSearch.aspx to find your polling place. On Election Day, you may also choose to vote at one of the satellite voting locations or the Board of Election Commissioners. (Read on for more information about satellite locations and hours.)

Where do I sign up to volunteer to work at the polls on Election Day? • Find information to volunteer at polls in the city on its website. Here’s the specific page: stlouis-mo.gov/government/departments/board-election-com-

May I vote curbside on Election Day? Yes, people with limited mobility can vote from their cars on Election Day. Ask any poll worker you come across outside, and they should be able to assist you or find you assistance. For more information about accessible voting see sos.mo.gov/ e l e c t i o n s / g o Vo t e M i s s o u r i / howtovote#accessible.

2. VOTE ABSENTEE, EITHER BY MAIL FROM HOME OR BY VOTING EARLY IN PERSON

ou may choose to vote absentee in Missouri for many reasons, such as being out of town on Election Day or because of your religious beliefs. If you want to mail in an absentee ballot because you have a physical disability or would be at high risk if you contracted COVID-19 by showing up at the polls on Election Day, you do not need to have your ballot notarized before you mail it in. If you request to vote absentee for any other reason, however, your ballot must be notarized, so be aware of which category you fall under. And if the thought of visiting the busy polls during a pandemic on Election Day freaks you out, you

may also vote absentee prior to Election Day in person in your local election board’s office. It’s exactly like voting on Election Day, just on an earlier date and in a different (and much less busy) place. ou can vote in their offices any weekday until the election, and you don’t even need to register to vote absentee in advance or make an appointment. You just walk right in. Show up at the office during business hours, drop in with all of the stuff you’d bring with you to the polls normally, and cast your vote like usual. You could just pop in sometime soon and get it done and then not have to worry about it again.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR ABSENTEE VOTING: How do I sign up to vote absentee? • To vote absentee by mail in the city, request your Missouri Absentee Ballot here: stlouis-mo. gov/government/departments/ board-election-commissioners/ voter/absentee-ballot-and-voting.cfm. • For those in the county, see the application at stlouiscountymo. gov/st-louis-county-departments/board-of-elections. • To vote absentee in person in advance of Election Day, just show up at your local election board’s office. And beginning in October, both the city and the county are

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offering voting and other services at satellite locations. (Read on for more information about satellite voting hours and locations.) Where do I find a notary? See the Q&A portion of the third (mail-in) section of this guide. How do I know if I’m considered to be high risk for contracting COVID-19 and therefore qualify to vote absentee? The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s list of at-risk categories is broad and includes large groups of at-risk Americans:

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everyone age 65 and older, everyone who is immunocompromised and everyone with asthma, diabetes or another qualifying health condition. If one of these applies to you, you may request to vote absentee and you do not have to get your ballot notarized. Once your absentee-at-home ballot is filled out, you can return it to your county clerk or board of elections either through the mail or in person. Do I have to provide proof that I am at high risk to contract COVID-19 so they’ll let me vote absentee?

Absolutely not. They take your word for it if you tell them that you’re high risk or physically disabled. And since high-risk people and physically disabled people often can’t be out trying to track down a notary, those who go this route don’t need to get their ballot notarized, either. What do I have to do to sign up to vote absentee in person? You do not need to make an appointment to vote or notify either the city or the county elections board in advance of your arrival at their office. When voting absentee in person, you just show up and vote exactly like you would on Election Day, just in a different location and prior to Election Day. Where can I vote absentee in person prior to Election Day in the city? Head to the St. Louis City Board of Election Commissioners at 300 North Tucker Boulevard (314-6224336, stlouis-mo.gov/government/ departments/board-election-commissioners) any time between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Friday. Also, starting on October 12, residents of St. Louis city will have the option of voting absentee in person at one of four satellite sites in addition to the Board of Election Commissioners office itself, which is already open for voting. Where to vote absentee, city: • Buder Library (4401 Hampton Avenue) • Central Library (1301 Olive Street) • Julia Davis Library (4415 Natural Bridge Avenue) Schla y Library (225 orth Euclid Avenue) The details: • These sites will be open October 12 through November 2.

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Central Library (1301 Olive Street) is one of multiple sites where absentee voters can vote in person ahead of Election Day. | STEVEN DUONG • Hours are 11a.m to 5 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, and from 1 p.m to 7 p.m Wednesday and Thursday. • Voters will only be able to vote on the touch screen machines at these locations. • A voter who wishes to vote by paper will have to cast their absentee ballot at the Board of Election Commissioners’ office (300 North Tucker Boulevard). Hours there are from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday through November 3. The elections board office will also be open for absentee voting on the two Saturdays leading up to the election, October 24 and 31, from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Where can I vote absentee in person prior to Election Day in the county? Head to the St. Louis County Board of Elections at 725 Northwest Plaza Drive in St. Ann (314615-1851, stlouiscountymo.gov) any time between 8 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. Starting on October 22, residents of St. Louis County also have the option of voting absentee in person at one of four satellite sites in addition to the Board of Elections office in St. Ann, which is already open for voting. You can turn in your absentee ballot at these spots, too, and they’ll also notarize it on the spot for free, so this is a great option for someone who still wants the security of voting in person without having to go to the polls on Election Day. Where to vote absentee, county: • St. Louis County Library, MidCounty Branch (7821 Maryland Avenue)

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• North County Recreation Complex (2577 Redman Road) • South County Government Center, Keller Plaza (4544 Lemay Ferry Road) West County Government Center (82 Clarkson Wilson Centre) The details: • These sites will be open 8 a.m to 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday from October 22 through November 1. Additional hours will include 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturday, October 24, and Saturday, October 31, and from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Monday November 2. • You are welcome to bring your completed absentee ballot to one of these locations to have it notarized (if needed) and submit it. • If you want to apply for your absentee ballot in advance of visiting a voting site, you may do so via mail or fax, in person or by written request. Call 314-6151833 or send an email to boecabsentee@stlouisco.com. What accommodations will be made for me to vote absentee in person without having to enter the election board’s office? In St. Louis city, you may walk or drive up to the outside of the Board of Election Commissioners office, and they will bring your paper ballot out to you. This is a great option for people with disabilities, and it’s also a handy service if you need to vote but think you might’ve been exposed to COVID-19 recently or you have any kind of symptoms. Voting from your car keeps you out of the office, which keeps everyone involved safer from the virus. In St. Louis County, you may

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also vote from your car, but not until a week before Election Day. For more specifics, call the county elections board closer to Election Day at 314-615-1851. You do not need to make an appointment to vote or notify either the city or the county elections board office in advance of your arrival. Just call their main number when you arrive and they will send somebody out to you. What do I do with my absentee ballot if I’ve already received it at my house but I’m distrustful of mailing it in or I’m afraid the election authority won’t receive it in time? If you have your absentee ballot in hand, you can drop off your filledout ballot at your local board of elections. A relative may also drop off your absentee ballot for you, but they will have to show ID, and they have to be closely related to you, such as a spouse, son or daughter. For more information on if your relative is qualified to drop your ballot for you, call the local elections board. (Contact information is in “Additional Questions” section.) When is the very latest that my ballot can be received and still be counted? Your mailed-in or personally delivered ballot must be received by 7 p.m. on Election Day. It’s not enough for it to be postmarked by Election Day (like with taxes); ballots must be received by November 3. October 27 is technically the last day to mail absentee ballots to ensure they are received in time, but election officials stress that you should mail it in as soon as you possibly can to account for expected delays and bumps in the system.

3. VOTE BY MAIL BEFORE THE ELECTION

he mail-in option — new this year and different than voting absentee — is open to all Missourians, even without medical conditions specified for absentee voting. With this option, you’re just requesting that your ballot be mailed to you and then you will fill it out at home and mail it back. You do not need an excuse to request this style of simple mailin ballot, but if you go with this option you must actually mail it back via the United States Postal Service. Do not take it to a polling place or try to drop it off somewhere. Drop that thing in the mail, and soon. These ballots also must be notarized, which means you’ll have to find a notary before you mail it back in, too. You may request a mail-in ballot through the Missouri secretary of state website or websites for local elections boards, but you need to return your application to your local elections board, not the secretary of state. Again, election officials stress that you must return these ballots as soon as possible because of the disaster happening with the U.S. Postal Service.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT MAIL-IN VOTING: How do I sign up to vote by mail? To request a Missouri Mail-In Ballot, fill out the form and follow the instructions here: stlouis-mo.gov/government/departments/board-election-commissioners/documents/ request-mo-mail-in-ballot.cfm.

What do I do with my mail-in ballot once I’ve received it and filled it out? As mentioned above, if it’s not an absentee ballot you must use the United States Postal Service to mail it back. Don’t try to go around the postal service and send it any other way. It must be returned via USPS, so make sure to send it back immediately. When is the deadline to request a mail-in ballot in Missouri?

The deadline to request a ballot by mail is 5 p.m. October 21. It is wise, however, to request a mail-in ballot immediately and send it back as soon as possible. To request your ballot now, visit stlouis-mo.gov. Where do I find a notary? Voting activists are currently challenging several election rules that govern how we vote by mail, which could change some of the requirements for notarizing ballots, but if you do end up needing a notary, the Secretary of State’s office is compiling a list of “notaries who have volunteered to assist Missouri voters in getting their mail-in or absentee ballot envelopes notarized at no charge.” To see that list, visit www.sos. mo.gov/elections/MailinNotary. In St. Louis County, you may also get your absentee ballot notarized at certain satellite absentee voting sites starting on October 22.

ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS What do I do if I’m not sure which method of voting fits me or if I have questions about the process? our best bet is to call the office of your local elections board. They are the voting experts, and they are accustomed to answering all kinds of voting questions, big and small. Who do I contact if I still have more questions? You can visit the Missouri secretary of state website at sos.mo.gov for details on many voting questions, but if you’d like personal-

ized service it’s best to contact your local elections board. In St. Louis city, that’s the Board of Election Commissioners (300 North Tucker Boulevard, 314-6224336, stlouis-mo.gov/government/ departments/board-election-commissioners). Office hours are 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Friday. In St. Louis County, that’s the Board of Elections (725 Northwest Plaza Drive, St. Ann, 314-615-1851, stlouiscountymo.gov). Office hours are 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday.

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SHORT ORDERS

[SIDE DISH]

Palate As Palette Le Méridien Executive Chef Michael Frank is no less than an artist when it comes to food Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

rowing up, Michael Frank was always in awe of the artistic prowess of his dad and brother. Both were naturally crafty and artistic, and he’d watch them create impressive works. His brother, in particular, impressed with his ability to make everything from wooden puppets to short movies. It made Frank wonder why he didn’t get the creative gene — until he discovered cooking. “I would always look at them and wonder how they came up with everything, because it didn’t come naturally to me,” Frank says. “But then, I got older and got my first kitchen job, where I realized I could be artistic through food. I was good at it, had a knack for creating aesthetically pleasing plates. I just ran with it.” Now an accomplished chef whose resume includes several high-profile restaurants around the country, Frank is using his culinary skills to bring to life the dining component of the new Le Méridien St. Louis Clayton Hotel (7730 Bonhomme Avenue, Clayton; 314-863-0400). Though it’s a large undertaking, Frank feels up to the challenge thanks to the varied experiences he’s had throughout his career, beginning with his first cooking gig at Denali National Park in Alaska. “A week after high school, my buddy and I drove out to Yellowstone because we heard we could work there for the summer,” Frank recalls. “After that, I would go to school during the winter and work at national parks during the summer. I got offered a cooking job at Denali, and at first, I didn’t want to take it, because I didn’t

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Michael Frank is excited for the chance to be a part of the brand new Le Méridien hotel in Clayton. | ANDY PAULISSEN want to be in the kitchen. I figured I’d take it anyway and transfer as soon as I could, but I ended up falling in love with it.” For Frank, his experience on the line at Denali called to mind his passion for sports. Growing up, he loved to play different sports competitively and enjoyed being on a team. Being in the kitchen felt familiar, and he found himself returning to the park for three years in a row so he could soak up all he could on this newfound path. The more he worked in the kitchen, the more he realized it was something he wanted to pursue. He’d get that opportunity when his chef at Denali told him about an opportunity with a restaurant group in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. His chef wanted him to go there with him to help open a new restaurant, and he accepted. It turned out to be a gamechanger.

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“The group just did things the right way,” says Frank. “They always said that the secret to success is pretty simple: If you do things right and put out a good product and good customer service, that’s the recipe. Don’t overthink it. Cook things and do it the right way. That really stuck with me.” From Jackson Hole, Frank moved on to a resort property in Colorado and eventually Scottsdale, Arizona, which was another eye-opening experience for him. There, at the five-diamond resort, he learned about fine dining and got the chance to work with acclaimed chefs from around the world, who would cycle in and out of the property’s restaurants. Eventually, he worked his way up to sous chef at one and stayed there for four years until moving on to a revered eatery in Santa Fe, New Mexico. “It was a great experience for

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me,” Frank says. “The chef there did things the right way and always said to me, ‘We’re not going anywhere.’ When a new restaurant would pop up, he’d say that it would be there for three years, but we were timeless. That was a great lesson.” After Santa Fe, Frank moved back to his hometown of St. Louis, where he worked at Farmhaus for three and a half years. Though he admits the restaurant’s fierce commitment to farmto-table and doing things the right way was often a pain, he learned how important it is for the end product. It also helped him learn how to be resourceful and understand how to let food speak for itself. From Farmhaus, Frank helped open the food and beverage outlets at the Angad Arts Hotel, including Grand Tavern by David Burke, where he worked until

the COVID-19 outbreak shuttered Grand Center. At a crossroads, he learned of the Le Méridian opportunity and reached out to see what he could offer. The next thing he knew, he was hired on as the hotel’s executive chef. The hotel group has given Frank creative freedom to shape its restaurant into what he wants it to be, a challenge he feels ready for. Mediterranean focused with a heavy emphasis on French cuisine, he describes what he’s put together as understated elegance — simple, delicious, beautifully presented food made with the best ingredients he can find. That he’s been able to have such an opportunity to bring beauty to the table in the midst of a pandemic is not lost on Frank. In fact, he feels that the added layer of challenge has only made him, and the restaurant, better. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” Frank says. “It’s the truth. This has been an invaluable learning experience for me. I’ve been surrounded by smart people, and it’s this incubation tank of ideas. I’m going in with the mindset that it’s going to make me better.” Frank took a break from the kitchen to share his thoughts on the lessons you can learn from the wilderness, missing baseball and what gives him hope in the midst of these challenging times. What is one thing people don’t know about you that you wish they did? When I was in my early twenties, I got lost in the mountains of Montana overnight in a T-shirt and shorts. I had a Camelbak with no water, a map and no food. I made a fire out of pine shrubs to keep warm, and I used goat trails to find my way out. ature will teach you a lot about resourcefulness and personal perseverance, which has been helpful in these unprecedented times. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? If I could have any superpower, I would have eight arms like Dr. Octopus except with spatulas. I’d be unstoppable in the kitchen. Which ingredient is most representative of your personality? Parmesan cheese: salty and slightly nutty, with a lot of depth. What is one thing you make sure you do every day to maintain some

sense of normalcy? I take care of my garden and try to get outside every day. I’ve been able to check off quite a few house projects since March. One thing that was very abnormal was being off for most of the summer, but not being able to watch Cardinals baseball. I’m a huge Cardinals fan, so now that baseball is back and I’ve returned to work, that in itself makes some days feel more normal. What have you been stress-eating / drinking lately? I’ve been so busy with the hotel and restaurant opening that I haven’t had as much time to cook. So I currently have Thai, Indian and pizza on rotation. It’s not good. I also drink about a dozen grapefruit sparkling waters a day when I’m not having coffee. You have to be quarantined with three people. Who would you pick? I’ll go with the two people I spent quarantine with — my girlfriend and my eleven-year-old German Shepherd, Arlo. My girlfriend is a teacher, so quarantine was also a summer break together. If I could choose anyone else, dead or living, it would be Stevie Wonder. He’s my guy. I listened to a lot of Stevie by the fire pit last spring. What would be your last meal on earth? All the king crab legs and hot butter. What do you think the biggest change to the hospitality industry will be once people are allowed to return to normal activity levels? While being a part of opening a hotel with large banquet and catering capabilities, one change that I think about often is how serving large groups of people will look in the future. Something we talk about daily is evaluating how to feed guests in a safe manner, but in a way they are also able to enjoy and celebrate their meals and events. What is one thing that gives you hope during this crisis? Seeing the creativity and perseverance of chefs and restaurateurs as they change their concepts and fit the needs of diners has really given me hope. Also, it has been amazing to watch the dedication of Silverwest Hotels, LLC, the ownership group at Le Méridien St. Louis Clayton, while opening this beautiful hotel and restaurant in the midst of a pandemic. n

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CULTURE [BOOKS]

Say My Name Left Bank Books’ new checkout system ends dead-naming of trans shoppers Written by

RILEY MACK

magine that somebody learned what your name is but kept calling you something else, insisting that’s who you are,” says Jarek Steele, co-owner of Left Bank Books in the Central West End. “It makes you feel like you’re being a fraud, like you’re lying — but you’re not.” With this in mind, Steele vowed to change the existing online retail system that allows trans people to be invalidated. On September 9, these ideas finally came to fruition. Left Bank Books became possibly the first independent bookstore to use an e-commerce system that accepts preferred names rather than legal names, specifically aimed at helping trans people check out with their post-transition identity. Steele originally came up with the idea when his friend, in the midst of her transition, ordered books from their website. Because she had not legally changed her name yet, all further communications from Left Bank used her former name. “I was mortified, because I know how that feels,” Steele says. “I thought, there has to be some way around this, this can’t possibly be the way things are forever.” Steele’s mission was set. But as many indie bookstores in the U.S. use the same checkout system through the American Booksellers Association, he knew the undertaking was going to be difficult. For a few years, the ABA turned down Steele’s requests, saying that there was too much coding involved. Steele created his own workaround, where the bookstore’s employees would input preferred names manually. Through each sale, this was how Steele and Left Bank Books advocated for their customers. After COVID-19 hit, however,

Left Bank Books co-owners Jarek Steele and Kris Kleindienst aren’t just selling books. They’re also creating community. | THEO WELLING their makeshift system couldn’t keep up with the growing number of online orders. In previous years, only 4 percent of their sales took place online, but that has skyrocketed to 88 percent. This meant that they would unintentionally dead-name many of the trans people who shopped on their website. Steele decided this was unacceptable. Reaching out to the ABA again, he argued that the system “needs to work as well for trans people as it does for cisgender people.” This time, they listened. Now the system requires a preferred name at checkout, which becomes the default in all communications. Steele knew he had to speak out against the previous, outdated system because “nobody is going to advocate for a trans-inclusive system unless they know there’s a problem,” he says. The bookstore owner was intimately familiar with the problem, as he went

“I was born in a female body,” he says. “Every step of the way for a trans person is difficult because every piece of identification is wrong.” through his own transition sixteen years ago. “I was born in a female body,” he says. “Every step of the way for a trans person is difficult because every piece of identification is wrong. Whenever you have

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to present your information to someone, it erases you and calls you something that you’re not.” Changing all of his personal information was a very difficult process, Steele says, an undertaking that even resulted in backlash. “When I tried to change my driver’s license for the first time in St. Louis, I actually got thrown out,” Steele says through laughter. “I got into a fight with the worker. I said I needed to change my gender, and they started to ask me inappropriate questions about my genitals, and I got really mad and I had to leave.” After that experience, Steele didn’t legally change his identity for another three years. However, with the new retail system implemented, Steele knows that his business will never add to the plentiful struggles of trans people. In fact, when the ABA sent news of the successful update, “I practically danced around the room,” Steele says. Sayer Johnson, executive director and co-founder of the Metro Trans Umbrella Group in St. Louis, affirms that the feat of Left Bank Books is incredible. “Whenever you have to provide your previous name for something, especially when someone will call you by that name, it can be triggering or traumatizing. Not everyone has the ability to change their name, whether it be for financial reasons or because of their family,” he says. To know that there are people advocating for the trans community, Johnson says, “I felt really proud to be in a city that stands up for people like that. “I’m a bigger Left Bank Books fan than I already was,” he says. Adding to the success of this endeavor is the fact that Left Bank Books’ advocacy made it easier for all the bookstores across the country that use the ABA’s checkout system to be inclusive to the trans community. And this will not be the end of its battle for inclusivity. In the future, St. Louis can always expect innovative advocacy efforts from Left Bank Books, because it is simply part of its philosophy. For now, the Central West End shop’s staff can be assured that they lived up to the mission posted on its website: to provide “literacy and justice to all.” n

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The Burney Sisters. | COLIN LAVAUTE

The Great Outdoors In pandemic times, it’s challenging to find things to do that don’t put yourself or those around you in danger. And while we’re inclined to suggest that the safest event is no event, we also know that sounds a lot like abstinence-only sex ed, and you guys are probably gonna fuck anyway. So consider these recommendations your condoms: not foolproof, but safer than other options. We only recommend events that take precautions, but ultimately you’re in charge of your own health, so proceed with care. We also list live-streamed events, which are the safest of all, though admittedly not the same. Live-streamed events are the masturbation of events in this way, because — you know what, we’re gonna go ahead and abandon this metaphor before we get in over our heads.

GRANT’S FARM HALLOWEEN DRIVE-THRU Various times, Thursday through Sunday all October. Grant’s Farm, 10501 Gravois Road. $40 per car. 314-577-2626. Grant’s Farm is going to get spooky this fall, and you and your kids are invited to attend. The beloved St. Louis landmark on Gravois Road has been closed since the beginning of the pandemic but will be reopening in October for fun of the frightful variety. The Halloween Drive-Through Experience gives visitors a chance to do something that they’ve never done before: cruise through the park in their own cars. The farm has been welcoming visitors since 1954, but this will be the first time people will be able to drive through. The system will work much like the many drive-through holiday light shows around town, where you pay per car and roll slowly through many different scenes. The Grant’s Farm experience will feature creepy Halloween scenes, including a medieval, graveyard and even a UFO landing scene.

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The fee for each car is $40, and kids will get free bags of candy so they can get that sugar rush while rolling through. You can upgrade your experience, too, by adding family packages that include snacks and drinks. All Rides Reserved: The event happens throughout the month of October on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, and reservations are required. For more information and to reserve your time slot, visit GrantsFarm.com.

BURNEY SISTERS 8 p.m. Friday, October 2. Old Rock House, 1200 South Seventh Street. $20 to $30. 314-588-0505. The Columbia, Missouri-based Burney Sisters made a big splash in the St. Louis area when they were announced as one of the acts on 2018’s ill-fated (and ultimately canceled) iteration of LouFest. Sure, part of that was Olivia and Emma Burney’s young ages — at the time they were just thirteen and ten, respectively — but equally crucial

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Illphonics will be rocking the dock. | COURTESY IMPULSE ARTISTS is the simple fact that these young ladies can perform. Both are multiinstrumentalists who, between them, can play ukulele, guitar, banjo, bass and keyboards, and Olivia has proven herself a strikingly talented songwriter, offering up heart-on-the-sleeve acoustic folk that would be right at home on a playlist alongside the Avett Brothers. And the harmonies! There’s just something about musically inclined siblings that enables them to lock in in a fashion that seems otherworldly, and the Burney Sisters are no exception. With their mom ably handling management of the group, the listening public at large has taken notice, leading to thousands of followers across social media. Frankly, the only thing stopping them from taking over the world is the fact that there’s a pandemic — once that ends (if it ever does), watch out. A Family Affair: Recent videos have seen Olivia and Emma joined by their youngest sister, Bella, now ten years old. It’s not clear whether she will be performing at this show, which is part of Old Rock House’s socially distanced, reduced capacity Listening Room series, but it is clear that she’s got the same musical gift as her older siblings.

ROCK THE DOCK CONCERT SERIES 1 p.m. each Sunday through November 1. The Riverboats at the Gateway Arch, 50 South Leonor K Sullivan Boulevard. $0 to $25. 877-982-1410. The Riverboats at the Gateway Arch will play host to a oating

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concert series throughout October, swapping boats for bands at a time when traditional venues continue to struggle in St. Louis. In partnership with 4 Hands Brewing Company and 1220 Spirits, the dock that the riverboats use will be transformed into an outdoor seating area with reserved tables and social distancing in place. Bands will perform on an elevated space next to the dock, offering the opportunity for great views with the Arch as the backdrop. A curated BBQ menu will be available as well, and 4 Hands and 1220 Spirits will provide a selection of drinks for thirsty attendees. This being 2020, there will be measures in place to help slow the spread of COVID-19, including a mask requirement for anyone over the age of nine, social distancing and reduced capacity on the dock. (For more on these safety protocols, visit the riverboats’ COVID-19 FAQ page at gatewayarch.com/new-riverboatprotocols). Reserving a table in advance costs $25 and will seat four people. Those reservations also come with a $25 voucher to be used on the food and drinks. Walkup tickets will be free, but you’re kind of rolling the dice there as to whether you’ll be turned away, since the dock is operating at a reduced capacity. What’s Up, Dock? Some of St. Louis’ finest local acts are slated to perform as part of the series, including Little Dylan, Illphonics and the Soulard Blues Band. The concert series runs from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. every Sunday from October 4 to November 1. For more information, and to make table reservations, visit gatewayarch.com. n

SAVAGE LOVE ROGER THAT BY DAN SAVAGE Hey, Dan: I’m a thirty-something gay man married to a thirty-something gay man. For almost two years, we’ve been seeing another pair of married gay men around our age. They were our first experience with any sexual or romantic interaction outside of our relationship. The first six months were hot and heavy. We were together constantly and having sex almost every night. After the “honeymoon phase” ended, one member of the other couple (“Roger”) wanted to slow things down. Roger and I had some conflict over this, and I have to admit that I showed a pretty bad side of myself while grappling with insecurity. Eventually, Roger pulled me aside to talk one-on-one. He wanted us to be “friends who have sex sometimes.” Then, right after the COVID-19 lockdown started, Roger and I had another heart-to-heart on my birthday. After many drinks and a lot of making out we both said we loved each other. Roger walked it back the next day. “I don’t know what you thought you heard last night,” he basically said, “but I’m not in love with you.” I was devastated. This isn’t what I want. I am in love with Roger and his husband. I don’t want to be “friends who have sex sometimes.” My husband is OK with just being friends with Roger and his husband, especially since their large friend group has adopted us and he worries we’ll lose all these new friends if I end our friendship with Roger and his husband. I would really like to talk this out with Roger, but I’m not sure I can get through that conversation without DTMFAing him. I mean, which was it? Were we a fun sexy fling and nothing about the last two years mattered? Or was he in love with me but decided the conflict and complication of this relationship wasn’t worth it? Trouble In The Quad Roger doesn’t want what you want. That sucks and I’m sorry. But we’ve all been there. Falling for someone who doesn’t feel as strongly for us as we do for them, whether we’re dating as couples or singles, is always painful. But that pain is an unavoidable risk.

And while it may seem unfair that you can only have Roger in your life on his terms, that’s the reality. That’s everyone’s reality, TITQ, because loving someone doesn’t obligate that person to love us back or love us in the same way that we love them or want the same things we want. But Roger can’t impose his terms on you. If being “just friends” feels like an insulting consolation prize after what the last two years has meant to you, if that’s not good enough, then Roger doesn’t get to be in your life. You can have terms, too. Backing up for a second: You seem to believe that if the relationship mattered — if Roger and his husband loved you and your husband and vice versa — then it wouldn’t have ended. That’s false. Something can matter and still end. Something can also matter more to one person than it did to another person. (Or couple.) You don’t have to dismiss or minimize what the four of you had because Roger has decided, for whatever reason, that being in a quad with you isn’t what he wants. And if you’re hoping to get this quad back together … and it’s entirely up to Roger … you’re going about it wrong. If Roger got cold feet due to the “con ict and complication” of being in a poly relationship, TITQ, then your best move is to avoid con ict and complication. If you think Roger told the truth on your birthday and lied to you the next day, then you need to demonstrate the kind of emotional maturity that makes you a more attractive partner to a person like Roger. And provoking a confrontation with Roger — staging a scene where you’re likely to dump a guy who has already dumped you — will have the opposite effect. It will only confirm for Roger the decision he has already made. Your best bet — your best strategy — is to accept Roger’s offer of friendship and refrain from blowing up at him. You should also tell him, just once and very calmly, that you and your husband would be open to getting back together with him and his husband. Best case scenario, the quad gets back together. Worst case scenario, you have some great memories, a whole bunch of great new friends, and maybe once in a while a hot foursome with Roger and his husband. Two last things …

“I thought it could be fun to reconnect and do some more threesomes.” I would love to see video of you showing the “bad side” of yourself to Roger. Given the way people tend to minimize their own shitty behavior — all people do it, myself included — I’m guessing it was/ you were ugly. If you’re prone to blowing up when you don’t get what you want, well, it’s understandable that someone who dislikes con ict and complication would start getting cold feet once the honeymoon phase ended. I’m not suggesting you’re toxic or unbearable‚ TITQ, only that different people have different tolerance levels for romantic con ict. But if what you want is for Roger to reconsider the decision he’s made, well, you might also wanna let him know you’re working on your approach to con ict. If you don’t want Roger to regret getting the quad back together and then quickly end things again, TITQ, or for the next Roger or Rogers who come into your life to head for the hills after their honeymoon phases end, you’ll talk with someone who can give you the tools to better handle con ict. And finally, TIT , the other two men in this quad feel strangely inert — more like houseplants than husbands. I mean, you have nothing to say about how Roger’s husband feels and very little to say about how yours does. Is Roger’s husband interested in keeping the quad together? Besides not wanting to lose some new friends, does your husband give two shits? Because even if Roger decides he wants back in, TITQ, and that’s a big if, your revived quad won’t last for long if your houseplants — sorry, your husbands — aren’t just as invested as you are. Hey, Dan: The man I’m seeing is the first person I ever opened up to about my bisexuality. Over our first year together, we had several threesomes, but we both became uncomfortable with them and one

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day he told me he could not have that kind of sex with a woman he cares about. We quarantined together and he felt COVID-19 had forced us to rush things. We decided to spend less time together to focus on our careers, which had both taken a hit. Now we only see each other every two weeks or so. I thought it could be fun to reconnect and do some more threesomes. He agreed but asked me to handle things. I found us some amazing girls. But as in the past, our threesomes led to problems. I feel threatened, he feels jealous. We fight, I cry, he gets angry and acts like an asshole. I’m very insecure, depressed, and have spent years in therapy. The threesomes feel like too much but we have great sex when we talk about other women. Is there any way we can make this work? Lost In My Emotions I feel really sorry for the women you two are having threesomes with — even if you’re doing your very special guest stars the courtesy of waiting until they leave to break down in tears, LIME, and even if your boyfriend is polite enough to wait until they’re gone before acting like an asshole, these women are most likely picking up on the tension and may feel con icted about the sex after they go. If you’re having these meltdowns and blowups in front of these women, LIME, they definitely leave feeling terrible and may worry they did something wrong when it’s you two who are doing something wrong: continuing to have threesomes despite knowing they never end well. While I don’t think a woman should waste her time (or pussy) on a man who tells her he can’t have “that kind of sex,” i.e. sex she enjoys, with a woman he cares about, I can understand why you might want to keep seeing this guy. (COVID-19 is making it hard to find new partners.) But you should stop doing the thing that doesn’t work — having threesomes — and do the thing that does work instead: talking dirty to each other about other women. And if you still want to get with women, LIME, do it solo. He doesn’t need to be there for you to enjoy an amazing girl. mail@savagelove.net @FakeDanSavage on Twitter www.savagelovecast.com

SEPTEMBER 30-OCTOBER 6, 2020

RIVERFRONT TIMES

SEPTEMBER 30-OCTOBER 6, 2020

riverfronttimes.com

SEPTEMBER 30-OCTOBER 6, 2020

RIVERFRONT TIMES

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Riverfront Times, September 30, 2020

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