WINTER 2021 I VOLUME 4 I ISSUE 2
OUTINSTL.COM I FREE
A SEASON FOR SELF-CARE | THE BRILLIANCE OF ONE BRICK SHY | WHERE DARK MEETS LIGHT
The Movement Jae Shepherd won’t rest until the Workhouse is closed
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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: A magazine exploring and celebrating the LGBTQ community in St. Louis Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Melissa Meinzer E D I T O R I A L Director of Social Media Elizabeth Van Winkle Contributing Writers Joss Barton, Patrick Collins, Riley Mack, Joshua Phelps, Elizabeth Van Winkle, Matt Woods Editor at Large Doyle Murphy
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& P R O D U C T I O N Art Director Evan Sult Production Manager Haimanti Germain Contributing Photographers Steven Duong, Monica Mileur, Andy Paulissen, Matt Seidel, Theo Welling
M U LT I M E D I A A D V E R T I S I N G Advertising Director Colin Bell Senior Account Executive Cathleen Criswell Account Managers Emily Fear, Jennifer Samuel Multimedia Account Executives Chuck Healy, Jackie Mundy Digital Sales Manager Chad Beck Director of Public Relations Brittany Forrest C I R C U L A T I O N Circulation Manager Kevin G. Powers E U C L I D M E D I A G R O U P Chief Executive Officer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner Human Resources Director Lisa Beilstein VP of Digital Services Stacy Volhein www.euclidmediagroup.com N A T I O N A L A D V E R T I S I N G VMG Advertising 1-888-278-9866, www.voicemediagroup.com
Out In STL is published quarterly by Euclid Media Group Verified Audit Member Out In STL
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Founded in 2017
MELISSA MEINZER
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s the year draws to a close, I think I join most of humanity in wishing this particular one a hearty good riddance. We’ve been through an utterly bruising year: a brutal political season, a pandemic that is killing record numbers of people — most especially Americans — and related economic ruin that’s seeing livelihoods melt away. It was the deadliest year on record for violence against trans and gender non-conforming people, and the current occupant of the White House chipped away at protections for transgender people as he stuffed the Supreme Court with hard-line rightwingers. Hell, I started the year off with the death of my faithful feline companion of 15 years (RIP Grandpa, you were a cool dude), and an appendix that decided to dramatically resign from my body after 41 faithful years of service. Seriously, piss off, 2020. Most of us are guilty each year of a little arbitrary magical thinking that the turn of the calendar means we’ll finally quit smoking or start meditating or whatever, and it seems especially tempting to do so this year. And while we all know that January 1, 2021 won’t magically see the end of a world where murder hornets seemed really on-brand, there is a lot of hope for the new year. We’ve got an imperfect new president who will at the very least restore civility and norms to the office, and progress toward a COVID vaccine is encouraging. The work of queer activists like Jae Shepherd toward closing the notorious Workhouse has a clearer path forward than ever with a guaranteed change in the mayoral administration — Elizabeth Van Winkle has the details. Local therapists have concrete and actionable advice for staying sane this holiday, and our readers have weighed in on pandemic-safe holidays — different, but joyous. And the arts continue to save us, every day. Patrick Collins embeds for what feels like a giggle-fest sleepover with the hilarious ladies of web series One Brick Shy, and I had the pleasure of talking with Alex Zivic about his evocative book of poetry, Ellipsism. So no, the calendar isn’t going to switch pages into a magical land of wonder. But the stage is set for resistance, big changes, and a return to some degree of normalcy. Welcome, 2021. (No pressure.)
Melissa Meinzer Editor in Chief
Out in STL is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. Additional copies of the current issue may be purchased for $1.00 plus postage, payable in advance at the Out in STL office. Out in STL may be distributed only by Out in STL authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of Out in STL, take more than one copy of each Out in STL weekly issue. The entire contents of Out in STL are copyright 2018 by Out in STL, LLC. No portion may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the expressed written permission of the Publisher, Out in STL, 308 N. 21st Street, Suite 300, St. Louis, MO 63103. Please call the Out in STL office for back-issue information, 314-754-5966.
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COVER PHOTO OF JAE SHEPHERD BY ANDY PAULISSEN
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Literature
Ellipsism ALEX ZIVIC’S COLLECTION OF POEMS TAKES ON THE DARK — AND THE LIGHT BY M EL ISSA MEINZER
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lex Zivic has packed a lot into his slim volume of poetry, Ellipsism. The evocative and often spare poems cover loss, longing, visions and perceptions, with darkly lush illustrations by artist Wafalo.
Zivic, 25, spent about two years working on the book, writing in a Moleskine notebook or the Notes app on his phone. Sometimes he wrote from the Florida beach, sometimes in transit for his job. For him, it was all about following the muse. “The theme changed several times, but the same intent was always there,” he says. For instance, returning home to St. Louis because of the pandemic led him away from the sun-soaked imagery of the book’s beginning, written mostly on Florida beaches. Zivic worked virtually across distance with Wafalo, located in Texas. He’d describe ideas for drawings or send his own sketches, and Wafalo brough those images to life. Additionally, Zivic is responsible for the book’s notable layout, with purposefully inconsistent page design, blank pages and single-line poems with a page to themselves. “One quote that I learned from another St. Louis artist, Katie Collier of Katie’s Pizza & Pasta Osteria — she one time mentioned that space is an ingredient. I loved that!” says Zivic. The book hews to a few main themes, but the poems very much work on their own. The title, Ellipsism, refers to the sense
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of sadness felt when we realize we won’t live to see the future, that we won’t see how it all turns out. There’s also light and dark, visions and reckonings with the end of relationships. As much as the work can sometimes feel directed at a specific person or specific breakup, it’s not, he says. There are many different views of many different relationships at play, and the different perspectives of different interactions lend nuance to the message being conveyed. Proceeds from Ellipsism, Zivic says, benefit Alternatives to Living in Violent Environments (ALIVE), a St. Louis nonprofit that provides critical services to adults and children living with domestic abuse. It was important to him to give back to that organization, says Zivic. “In the past several years, I’ve read some poetry books and I really Alex Zivic and his thought, ‘Wow, I can really relate to creations. this, I can really enjoy it,” he says. “I COURTESY ALEX ZIVIC can do a great job at sharing my perspective.” Ellipsism is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions.
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feature
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Putting in the work JAE SHEPHERD ON CLOSING THE WORKHOUSE AND SHAPING ST. LOUIS
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BY EL I Z A B E T H VA N W I NK LE
n November 18, local activists rejoiced as mayor Lyda Krewson announced that she would not be seeking reelection in St. Louis.
Krewson lost favor in June with any left-leaning St. Louisans she may have still had on her side after publicly announcing full names — and in some cases, exact addresses — of citizens who earlier that day had handed her letters asking to defund the police. The doxxing read as an act of intimidation and was covered in national and international media outlets. It’s also what protesters were marching against when the gun-toting McCloskeys rose to their fifteen minutes of fame. “I’m elated,” says Jae Shepherd. “Movement did “ That’s my favorite part of what this. We applied major I do: imagining what this world pressure. This is the people’s can look like,” says Jae victory. Now we gotta get Shepherd. ANDY PAULISSEN Tishaura in,” they say, referring to city treasurer Tishaura Jones, who ran as a more progressive option against Krewson in 2017 and has announced her 2021 candidacy. With a change in administration guaranteed, Shepherd says they are hopeful for movement on a longstanding social
justice priority in the city: closing the Workhouse. On July 17, the Board of Aldermen voted unanimously for Board Bill 92, which instructed city officials to prepare to close the city’s medium security jail by year’s end. But the administration has said there isn’t enough room at the city’s second jail and a follow-up bill that would have cut the Workhouse’s funding failed in November. Closure this month looks unlikely. The facility has long been criticized as dangerous and inhumane and is mostly populated by people who cannot afford bail and are stuck awaiting trial. According to closetheworkhouse.org, 86 percent of the facility’s population are Black residents of north St. Louis. “The mayor is dragging her feet, and it looks like it won’t close on December 31st, which is what the Board of Aldermen voted on,” says Shepherd. “So now we wait. Is Lyda going to spend more city money to incarcerate more poor folks?” Shepherd has been a fundamental part of the Close The Workhouse campaign along with many other local LGBTQIA activists. “Since I started working on the Close The Workhouse campaign, the population of the prison has gone down from 300 people to just 52 [at the time of this interview],” they say. “We’ve worked very hard to raise bail for people so they don’t get sick from COVID while being trapped in there because of crimes of poverty.” Shepherd also works with Action St. Louis, a grassroots racial justice organization that seeks to increase political
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power for Black communities. In their role as an Abolition Organizer, Shepherd works to invest in community resources and back away from police action. “People think defunding the police is destroying, but it’s building,” says Shepherd. “That’s my favorite part of what I do. The dreaming. Imagining what this world can look like. Allocating money into the health department, housing, meals and counseling for the community. I would prefer the $16 million being used to jail poor people be used for other things for our city. We need to reallocate the funds in areas most affected by the Workhouse.” A Chicago native, Shepherd was compelled to stay in St. Louis after college thanks to the culture of activism in the city. The protests and actions that sprung up after the murder of Michael Brown in Ferguson in 2014 created community in a town that isn’t always so welcoming to outsiders. “It was the queer and trans organizers that made me feel a part of the family,” says Shepherd. “I think when you come from a history of trauma, when it’s been in your bones for hundreds of years, whether if it’s because you’re queer or of color, drama is just going to happen.” The experiences Shepherd shares on activist culture in St. Louis are undeniably linked to the queer culture at large. “Our communities need to have restorative circles, conflict mediation. We need to be building frameworks and there are not a lot of resources to work on that here,” they say. “We need to just try new things. People have a lot less job security, often losing jobs because of bosses finding out about their activism.” Shepherd wants people to realize that COVID hasn’t really changed that much in St. Louis. “There was already an epidemic of housing insecurity, we already needed to cancel evictions. There is an abundance of vacant homes, we need to put people in them,” they say. “People were already food insecure. The pandemic has just opened peoples’ eyes who didn’t see that before because now they know people at risk in those situations. Capitalism is inherently racial and exploits peoples’ differences. This is not new, but people are waking up to it more and more. We’re only going to keep getting better.” Before working with Action St. Louis, Shepherd was part of the leadership at QTPOC (Queer Trans People Of Color), and the Missouri GSA Network, where they helped develop high school kids into leaders against homophobia, transphobia and other forms of bigotry.
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“That was very rewarding work. Activist spaces are continually expanding. People are being more and more radicalized. People are taking to the street more,” says Shepherd. They see a hopeful future in the next crop of activists. “Gen Z is wild,” says Shepherd. “Gen Z is out here. They give me a lot of hope. They are coming into the work so young without getting so bogged down so quickly.” Shepherd says that members of the LGBTQIA community can and must enter the activist sphere, even if it’s new for them. There are plenty of ways to act. They suggest organizing Supporter Power Hours, where friends and family call local officials for an hour, as well as supporting Black, trans and queer organizations and people. “Elevate the work of Black and trans organizations and people in this fight, which could even look like social media shares,” Shepherd says. “Go to actions, be a body, get your people involved. Mobilize your family, community and friends.” For Shepherd, the need “Go to actions, be a body, get your to act and participate is people involved,” Shepherd says. clear and urgent. ANDY PAULISSEN “Our city officials don’t care about us. Period,” they say. “We need people to help hold [Krewson] accountable. Continue to call her, email her, tweet at her and demand that she stick to her word. She signed the ordinance. She needs to close the Workhouse.” Shepherd says the administration has failed to submit data and reports on social worker staffing levels and space use in the newer jail, the City Justice Center, as well as a detailed, good-faith plan for closing the Workhouse. Without these steps, the December 31 deadline is sure to come and go. Above all else, Shepherd wants transformative justice. “I want healing for Black queer and trans folks.” As for now, Shepherd is strategizing a plan if Krewson does not comply, as well as making plans for the holidays with their partner Adriana, who is also an activist. “We’re probably going to help Mama Cat deliver food to unhoused folks for the holidays,” says Shepherd. Mama Cat is the St. Louis activist legend who runs PotBangerz, a local group of activists who uplift and feed the community. “It’s very easy to be bogged down by how shitty everything is right now, but I have great visions of a new St. Louis. It’s all possible under Black leadership. Believing and trusting in Black leadership is going to uplift the city.” FA L L 2 0 1 8
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culture
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three friends, not shy THE CREATORS OF ONE BRICK SHY CAST ST. LOUIS AS A STAR IN THEIR NEW COMEDY SERIES BY PAT R I CK C O LLI N S
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or almost two hours, it’s only their voices — Abby Dorning and Jenna McDonald, best friends, former college roommates, Bridesmaids fanatics and, most recently, co-creators and co-stars of the comedy series One Brick Shy. The week of Thanksgiving, an in-person meeting seems not only difficult to arrange, but irresponsible, perhaps even deadly. And on laptop-sized screens, taking notes while keeping a conversation going on the free version of Zoom can be challenging.
C.C. O’Neill, Abby Dorning and Jenna McDonald (bottom) are the stars and creators of One Brick Shy. LILY BOSS PHOTOGRAPHY
So it’s a telephone interview. Voices only. But they’re voices that are absolutely familiar from the first two episodes, and without any visuals or atmospheric elements to contend with, the interview transcends the volleying back and forth of questions and answers. Instead, it quickly becomes an invitation to take a seat smack dab in the middle
of the intimacy that exists between two creators who have been deeply involved in each other’s lives for more than a decade. Even when one of them is answering a question posed by the interviewer, Dorning and McDonald speak to each other. “I have a little sister who looks older than me,” McDonald, 27, says near the end of the conversation, attempting to explain what she calls her complex about becoming too commercial. “She thinks it’s because I dress like a fourteen-
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year-old boy.” “I would agree,” says Dorning, who is 28. “But you dress like a very hip fourteen-year-old boy. A fourteen-year-old boy who knows how to order a matcha latte.” REGARDLESS OF HOW she feels about becoming too commercial, the epiphany McDonald experienced while living in Los Angeles about her network of talented friends back in St. Louis paved the way for the creation of a comedy series that’s getting noticed. The St. Louis Filmmakers Showcase declared One Brick Shy the year’s best comedy. And then, in what Dorning and McDonald consider a hilarious nod to the head-shaving scene in Episode 1, also recognized the show with the best makeup and hairstyling award. As a result, One Brick Shy was then invited into the St. Louis International Film Festival, which summarized the series’ first episode, entitled “Randy,” as follows: “Drew and Murphy face a few of life’s harsh realities and attempt to remedy their lack of preparedness.” At its core, One Brick Shy is about friendship. In the first episode, Murphy, who is Dorning’s character, helps Drew, played by McDonald, through a breakup best described, both literally and figuratively, as shitty. Gus is introduced in the second episode. Played by writer/director CeCe O’Neill, the third member of the besties trio, Gus is revered by Drew and Murphy for having arrived, gracefully, at the destination the two of them struggle to find: adulthood. None of which is entirely contrary to how the three relate
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to each other as actual friends. O’Neill, who majored in scriptwriting, originally signed on to direct the first episode. “We needed someone who could actually take on the two of us,” Dorning explains. “She’s perfect because she understands us.” There’s a lot to understand. McDonald recalls meeting Dorning and O’Neill during freshman year at Webster University as a turning point. “We met when we were eighteen, we shared pivotal moments of growth, and I feel like the three of us grew up together,” she says. “I was finally able to be 100 percent myself, Drew (McDonald) and Murphy without fear of judgment or not (Dorning) process a breakup being cool enough. It’s like I at the Tick Tock Tavern in the found my people.” first episode. At the time, McDonald wasn’t really thinking about acting. “I wanted to write and direct,” she recalls, tracing that impulse back to the amount of time she spent on the couch during her high school years, watching movies while icing a knee injured playing soccer and basketball. She’d also experimented a bit with her mother’s camcorder and created a ten-minute short. “When it came time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life, I thought, ‘wait, I really like movies,’” she says. Then, a friend and fellow student wrote a script for their thesis class. McDonald, who had a lot of ideas about how the script could be improved, auditioned for and got a role. FA L L 2 0 1 8
“A lot of media revolves around girls fighting against each other for a boy, or fat characters and a main plot line focused on them being fat. We needed a show that didn’t revolve around pain or fighting or suffering. We wanted to take the good times we’ve had and show it on screen.” She has since landed additional roles and won a few awards, including best actress for her 2015 performance in “Conversations Over Dinner,” awarded by the St. Louis Filmmakers Showcase. “I really enjoy being on set, performing,” she says. While her first on-camera experience was satisfying in many ways, the seriousness of the role led to her realization that her true calling is comedy. “If someone spends twenty minutes with me, I want them to have a good time,” she says. “I want to make people laugh.” In the first two episodes of One Brick Shy, McDonald hits her target head on. “I’m silly in real life, and I’m silly on the show,” she says. DORNING’S PERFORMANCES ARE also informed in part by comedy, but it’s of a different variety. “My authenticity comes out in goofy ways,” she says. Raised in a household she describes as religious and rigid, she recalls being put on a leash at a very young age because she was so outgoing. Then, thanks to fat shaming, she became secluded and grew up friendless. She spent years trying not to be perceived. “Now I’m back to who I was initially, only I’m unleashed,” she says. Joining an improv troupe in high school was a turning point. It’s something she was encouraged to do by a girl she knew who pointed out that theater was where all the weird kids seemed to be. “With improv, you have to be willing to look stupid, or you look really stupid,” Dorning says of the experience. “Ultimately, it taught me to let go of a lot of my shit.” It was also a springboard into theater, something Dorning says she fell into head first. At Webster, she majored in costume design, got into the queer world and became best friends with her future co-creators. Like McDonald, many of Dorning’s passions are off-camera. A visual artist at heart, she works as a trainer at the Apple store in West County. “My iPad revolutionized how I communicate,” she says. She’s responsible for the graphical elements doodled throughout the first two episodes of One
Brick Shy as well as the hand lettering on the show’s Instagram account. Dorning’s true love, however, is drawing nudes. “It’s the most exhilarating thing,” she says, adding that her work almost always has an emotional impact on subject and artist alike. “When you draw people nude, they’re very vulnerable.” Being with people in their vulnerability is not unfamiliar territory for Dorning, and it’s something she brings to her One Brick Shy character. “People open up to me and tell me their deepest secrets,” she says. “I have an energy that makes people comfortable.” She believes the comfort others feel when they’re with her comes in part from the scars she’s gathered along the way. “My experience, how I add to this universe, as a queer person, as a fat person, my perspective comes from healing that or owning that,” she says. “I’ve always been fat. I didn’t really fit in. I’m a particular person.” “She takes down walls,” McDonald says. ONE OF THE WALLS deconstructed by Dorning and everyone else involved with One Brick Shy concerns the portrayal of women, particularly women who are queer, fat, of color or do not, in an endless number of ways, adhere to standardizations and stereotypes. “A lot of media revolves around girls fighting against each other for a boy,” Dorning says. “Or fat characters and a main plot line focused on them being fat.” From the beginning, One Brick Shy strived to be something different. “We needed a show that didn’t revolve around pain or fighting or suffering,” Dorning says. “We wanted to take the good times we’ve had and show it on screen.” Both Dorning and McDonald consider the fact that they’re such good friends a definite advantage when it comes to writing out the story and the characters that move it forward. “When it comes time to write an episode, we start with an overarching idea, but all three of us also keep notes that we use to create the script,” Dorning says. “We pinball off each other.” “We’ve all brought bits and pieces with us from Webster,” McDonald says. “I think we’re a good team.” McDonald adds that the collaboration at the foundation of One Brick Shy has felt natural from the very beginning. “You know when you’re eleven and you have a slumber party and you want to start a band?” she says. “You stay up all night rehearsing. It’s imaginary, but it’s so real in your head.” One Brick Shy existed in that post-slumber party abstraction for a long time, she says of the years following college when none of them had to complete assignments. “We have very long lists of funny things we kept in our notes app, and now we have enough connections to create episodes,” she says. “When we get going during a writing session, it still feels like we’re at a slumber party. We bounce off each other.” Dorning also feels like they’re still at a slumber party. “And not in a bad way,” she says.
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Dorning and McDonald both believe that there couldn’t be a better time to create a comedy driven by strong female characters than right now. While 2020 is far from perfect, they consider it leaps and bounds ahead of 2011, the year they met and the year the film Bridesmaids was released — a film that represented female friendships in a way that captivated the three as college freshmen then and continues to inspire them today as One Brick Shy co-creators. Still, there’s no shortage of obstacles. “I would argue that the biggest bridge we’re trying to cross was built by white men,” Dorning says. “Women characters have been created as housewives, or they existed to go after a man.” McDonald sees the presentation of strong female characters as a corrective measure. “As a kid I needed positive representation,” she says. She hints that in future episodes Drew will evolve into a positive queer character with a love interest, an evolution she’s experiencing in her own life in tandem with the character she portrays. “Even two years ago I was trying to present myself as more femme,” she says, “but I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin as a real person.” Dorning and McDonald are also comfortable — they’re encouraged, in fact — when their work is compared to the Comedy Central sitcom Broad City. “What I love about the comparison is that there is now a lot of content — there’s a genre to contribute to,” Dorning says. “We don’t have to break ground. We’re at a point where female representation as a whole is much better.” Still, they continue to look for ways to participate in the representation of women of color, intentionally welcoming those who want to collaborate, whether in front of or behind the camera. THEN THERE’S ST. LOUIS. The city serves as the location, the vibe, the muse and a character — or several — all rolled into one. When explaining the connection between their show and the city in which it takes place, Dorning and McDonald both extract humor from St. Louis’ near misses, little absurdities that are taken earnestly by most. They regard the gap between those two responses as something of a creative goldmine. When the duo moved into an apartment on Arsenal Street, for example, they were initially excited about their proximity to I-44. “We were close, but not too close,” Dorning recalls. But as it turned out, Kingshighway was closed for bridge construction the entire time they lived in the apartment. “Then, they ended up putting in incorrect parking signs and paved around someone’s car,” she says, “but the bridge completion was still appreciated by the entire city.” The ill-fated trolley on Delmar in University City is another example of St. Louis weirdness from which Dorning and McDonald drew a little inspiration. Chronically behind schedule and over budget, the trolley, which would have added even more chaos to an already anxiety-provoking thor-
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oughfare, became the punchline of its own joke. “Then they finished it, finally, and the tracks were off by an inch,” McDonald says. “That is so One Brick Shy.” McDonald left St. Louis and lived briefly in Los Angeles. Ironically, it was in California that she realized what was here. “In L.A., if I wasn’t able to shove someone up the ladder, they didn’t have time for me,” she says. She did manage to go on lots of coffee dates, however, during which she asked for advice. “People told me that if I wanted to make it, I had to create my own content. And I thought: ‘What am I doing here when I know so many people in St. Louis?’” The network Dorning and McDonald have cultivated here spans both creative and business spheres. While the film community is relatively small, McDonald says it more than compensates for its size with flexibility and a desire to participate. “I think people are hungry to be a part of something creative, so everyone has been really flexible and willing to jump in and be a part of it,” she says. “There is so much talent in this city.” Also, lots of small businesses are willing to barter rather than charge exorbitant fees for providing a location. “The owners of the Morning Glory Diner on Cherokee Street are creatives themselves, so they were totally down for us shooting there,” McDonald says. Dorning also created art for them in exchange for the shoot. McDonald is happy with the bartering model, which she says is unique to the Midwest. “I think it’s a healthier way of doing it,” she says. In the end, however, the fact that One Brick Shot is created and produced in St. Louis is almost irrelevant. Thanks to the internet, which serves as the distribution arm of the One Brick Shy enterprise, Dorning and McDonald can do their work based on where their creative community has roots rather than in locations determined by the entertainment industry. The internet also serves as an open door to a world that used to be closed to creators at the beginning of their careers unless they were extremely well connected, or well-funded. The budget for the first episode of One Brick Shy, to which many people Dorning and McDonald know donated their time and talent, was less than $1,000. The third episode, which was created under pandemic conditions and therefore a considerably more complex process, cost around $5,000, which was raised through donations, merchandise sales and Dorning and McDonald putting it some of their own money. That would barely cover securing a location in L.A. to shoot a single scene. “It’s no longer strictly about who you know, or how much money you have, which is a huge relief for young creatives,” McDonald says. “You don’t need Martin Scorsese. You need a good story.”
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Check out One Brick Shy online at onebrickshyseries.wordpress. com, on the series’ YouTube Channel, One Brick Shy Series, on Instagram @onebrickshyseries, and One Brick Shy on Facebook. FA L L 2 0 1 8
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wellness
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self-care tips from the pros
MAKE YOUR PLAN TO NAVIGATE THE END OF 2020
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raught with expectations and heavy on the socializing, the end-of-year celebratory blitz can be tough at the best of times. And — let’s be real — these are not the best of times. So we reached out to a few counselors in the city for tips on how to best navigate the waning days of 2020. They let us know to take it easy on ourselves, make a plan, reach out and keep healthy routines in place, even at a time when tensions may be running high and the pandemic is isolating us. While this is by no means meant to substitute for getting care if you need it, we think it’s a good framework for keeping safe and in touch with yourself this holiday season. Sarah Evergreen, LMSW, Change, Inc. Connect with loved ones. If you think this might be a hard holiday season for you, make plans to connect with people who bring love and light into your life. You can get creative with this, too! If you’re feeling the Zoom fatigue, try a phone call, a voice memo or audio message, or a handwritten letter or postcard. Don’t forget to hit up your friends that you suspect will be having a hard time, too, whether that’s because
they will be spending the holidays alone or with non-affirming family. Let them know that you’re there for them if they need a break and a safe, familiar and loving person to talk to. Put a twist on old traditions. Reflect on your favorite traditions and see which ones you can adapt to work with the restrictions we’re operating under this year. Do you usually walk around the neighborhood with friends and look at Christmas lights? Pick a night where you all take a solo walk
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and send pictures of your favorite light displays to the group chat. Do you usually have folks over for one of the nights of Hanukkah? Do a Zoom call where you all make latkes together and argue over whether sour cream or applesauce is the way to go, or drop batches of latkes off on your friends’ doorsteps with a nice note. Connect to and support your queer community. Check in with your favorite LGBTQ+ organizations/affirming organizations or connect with a new one. Many groups are working harder than ever to foster connection, raise awareness and offer support in St. Louis during these tough times. PrideSTL, The Spot, Growing American Youth, PFLAG and Metro Trans Umbrella Group are just a few. A quick internet search will help you connect with even more! Keep things simple. If you don’t want to cook a big, elaborate meal, then don’t. Cook a few of your favorite dishes or consider takeout from one of the many queer-friendly restaurants in town. If you don’t want to stay on a large Zoom group call for hours, don’t. Stay for a half hour and then make your goodbyes. Do what you need to feel good this year, even if that means doing less than you usually would. Jason Eccker, MSW LCSW, Synchronicity Counseling Solutions The holidays can be a difficult time for individuals in the LGBTQ community under the best of circumstances. Political and religious tensions in many families are heightened right now, and LGBTQ family members likely feel this more acutely given past issues with conservative family values, “coming out,” religion, political backlash and discrimination. The pandemic has necessarily relegated many into isolation; however, this step to insure safer physical health has had the opposite impact on mental health. Due to higher rates of depression, anxiety, trauma and substance abuse in the LGBTQ community, self-care becomes even more critical to individuals trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle and positive forward progression. It can be helpful to keep the following things in mind: • Try to keep as many holiday traditions active as you would in a “normal year.” They may look different (virtual, distanced, scaled down), however, they will still provide a sense of normalcy and connection. Plan virtual social interactions in advance and make a commitment to participate. • Stay active in healthy routines, including exercise, eating and sleep. • Monitor substance use patterns and pay attention to any significant shifts. • Engage in mutual support with other community members; have at least one person with whom you regularly discuss any difficulties or negative emotions you’re experiencing. • Avoid focusing on the particular material aspects of the December holidays. Many people are stressed financially right now, and with less in-person gift exchanging, these ex-
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penditures will create less joy than in other years and might bring significant stress and negative self-regard to others. • The key to navigating rough holiday waters lies in identifying one’s support system ahead of time and having a plan. This bolsters our sense of preparedness and reminds us that we are not alone even when we might physically be and emotionally feel that way. The community outreach programs that typically fill gaps for people during the holidays are dealing with the same set of difficult circumstances as individuals; however, they too are certainly relying on their resilience and resourcefulness to modify their activities in a way that supports the need for connection in a safe way. Contact your local LGBTQ community center and ask them what they have planned! Jen Durham Austin, LCSW, Change, Inc. • Minimize how much news or media you are consuming and evaluate the type that you are consuming. If you find yourself inundated with news that’s sensationalized and repetitious, check out news sources that focus on positive news stories like Good News app. This can help you create a more balanced view of the world and people around you. • If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and have 10 minutes to yourself, try focusing on calming your nervous system, which may be overstimulated. Guided meditations are a great way to do this and are often easier than attempting to meditate on your own, especially if meditation is new to you. The Calm app is a helpful, free option to lead you in a few moments of mindfulness. • Plan and create Zoom video call visits with those who respect your pronouns and identity. Socializing with supportive individuals, even via Zoom, can boost your mental health and help you feel less alone. Each time we spend time with family and friends who don’t accept us for exactly who we are we can experience what I like to call “emotional dents” in our foundation. As much as possible, limit how much time you spend with people who don’t respect you in your wholeness. • Whether you plan to see family or friends via Zoom, outside or indoors with masks on, set a time limit for yourself. You know yourself and what amount of socializing with others you can handle. This can be a helpful way to set a healthy boundary in terms of your emotional bandwidth, especially with a challenging relative. • Give yourself buffer time after engaging with a difficult family member. Use this time for any quiet, self-care activity that provides an opportunity to reset and to restore your emotional and physical resources. • Explore the possibility of regular counseling appointments with a queer/trans-affirming therapist. Having someone as a sounding board, who validates and respects you is crucial and can lead to support, growth, and positive change.
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holidays
Celebrations, COVID-Style HOW IS THE PANDEMIC CHANGING YOUR FESTIVITIES? BY R I L E Y M AC K A N D M ATT WO ODS
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t’s been a year like no other, but celebration and coming together are still the order of the day. So as we head into the holiday season, we asked for a little help from you, our readers, on how you’ll observe end-of-year festivities.
DENNIS DUNCAN Dennis Duncan helps care for his 76-year-old mother-in-law during the COVID-19 pandemic. The sacrifices he and his husband Michael have made extended to changing their traditions for the holidays. Past Thanksgivings would include entertaining a number of guests at their house on the holiday or the weekend after. Duncan truly enjoys having people over, something he says is not an option this holiday season. He highlights his mother-in-law as the reason for being cautious. He mentioned in a comment on Out in STL’s Facebook page that the situation is “different for sure, but worth it!” Duncan says he and his husband still had a traditional Thanksgiving meal. They reside in Sullivan, Missouri, and are the owners of SIRenity Farms Campground, a gay men’s camp that offers private retreats.
JACKSON DUNN “I’m not doing anything with family, but I’m still hoping for a Friendsgiving and maybe something small for New Years. It would suck to stay home for the entire season! Hopefully, our community pulls through.”
DENNIS CORLEY Dennis Corley had a smaller Thanksgiving this year with just his husband Casey, their dog and five cats instead of having a larger gathering. Corley picked up his dinner all-in-one package from Costco to make for a stress-free meal with only plates for dirty dishes. As for other traditions, Corley said he was putting the focus on Christmas right after eating his Thanksgiving meal. Every year he
puts up a Christmas tree on the same day as Thanksgiving. It is sure to be a quiet holiday season, but Corley’s six pets keep him good company. Their dog Cammy and cats Snowball, Rollover, Whiskers, Muffin and Squirt are all rescues.
ALEX DEGMAN “Holidays are still up in the air. My family decided to have Zoom Thanksgiving this year. We’re hopeful Christmas gatherings can happen, but we’re not planning anything big in case they can’t.”
CODI WATERS Codi Waters originally planned to have Thanksgiving with family members. She changed her mind after some of those people were exposed to the coronavirus and she began to experience allergy-like symptoms. Waters says her 88-year-old grandfather is “my whole world” and the risk of spreading the virus was not worth having Thanksgiving with the whole family. Waters adapted and cancelled the original plans of having her niece’s family and her mom and grandfather over. Waters still cooked for Thanksgiving, just for a smaller crowd of her husband and her daughter at their house in Norman, Oklahoma. Waters says she and her family snacked all day on Thanksgiving food that she had stocked up on before the holiday.
JOE BASTIENNE “I’m hoping to have a small [gathering] of queer folks at my house, though we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, as it’s a sham. I’m clueless as to Christmas and New Years’ plans.”
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