Issue 9 December 2011 www.bcttt.com
Dom nation Magazine
CLUB AWARDS 2011
BCTTT take over Minehead
Who received the coveted Most Disturbing in Lycra?!
CUCKOO-CROCKED Two-fold cluster in the land of Toblerone
Contents ISSUE 9 DECEMBUARY 2011
Features 8 WE DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE A bit like going to France, only with less travel and a colder sea. Five intrepid BCTTT-ers enjoyed a training weekend in sultry Minehead. We even found an imposter village....
41 CLUB CHAMPS ROUND UP After the trash-talk was the crash down to reality. Who came last? Who came second last? Who were the cheating buggers with talent?
16 BCTTT REVIEW CENTRE A new feature, with Blinkbaz giving the full blag and then reporting back on a kit group test. In this issue he looks at goggles, so read on to ﬁnd out which face-hugger our testing team liked best.
Regulars 4 REVOLUTIONARY COUNCIL New blood at the top! Don’t forget we also welcome any coups in the regions.
20 MEET THE MEMBER Blinkybaz explains the why, and the how, and the Eh? Wha? of his triathlon journey.
15 ASK THE ENDO The green monster that haunts our training hours offers advice on whatever is ailing you.
37 CARBONDICULOUS Household goods for the carbon-addled, including possibly the most insane bathtub possible.
48 SUPREME GRAND-MASTER NEWS With more to come in the nest issue...
49 COMPETITION WINNER! Who got the goggles? This page right here. No, not this actual one, but the one over there.
50 READER’S RIDE Cate (Moonshine) shows us round her lovely Lexa, and then tries to get out of answering why she’s barely ridden it since August.
Cover: Dignitas are on standby.
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23 CUCKOO-CROCKED Ade and GingerSi both headed out to Ironman Switzerland, and we are lucky enough to have both their race reports in this issue. Races are always different for every racer, but it is still terriﬁc to hear their perspectives on the race. Simon is a scrawny waif (and that’s coming from me – Ed), so he was always going to enjoy the climbs, whereas Ade is more of a Puncheur – a cyclist with a sprinter’s build, and who specialises in taking races by the scruff of the neck. Did they bring me back any Toblerone, though? Did they heck.
Sorry this is late; I’ve been desperately trying to edge another 10 mins ahead of Ade on Endo. It was great fun Endo-ing myself to death in December, and as the calendar turned to 1st January the insanity lifted. 2012 is going to be a good’un. For starters I’ve already got a race booked! And I’ve found some new ones nearby that could be fun with practically zero travelling. Right now the events look an age away, but it is good to have something to focus on (and some of them do sell out, apparently). So whether it is the local pool sprint, or Double-Decca IM that is your goal, make a rough plan and enjoy the training.
Thanks: To all contributers to this issue: Sar, Ade, Ginger, Jelly, Baz, Cate and anyone else I’ve missed. You are all tops and I am a lazy bastard.
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The BCTTT Revolutionary Council Supreme Grand Master – email@example.com Brother Jibbenstein has taken over in a coup reminiscent of the ﬁnest dictator. Carefully plotting his move from his underground laboratory, Jibby was bundled into a sack until he promised to do the job. His manifesto for change is imminent.
Propaganda – firstname.lastname@example.org Brothers Rice and Chapman are responsible for interweb domination, using this strange wonder of the modern world – the ‘website’.
The Founder – email@example.com Brother Conehead – founder of the BCTTT – has Red Bull ﬂowing through his veins, lives on a secret volcano island and writes bestselling books on triathlon. He can be seen at various races around the world grinning like a tool on the LightCycle.
Scotland – firstname.lastname@example.org Brother McLean is spreading the BCTTT word north of the border. If it’s Scottish he’s your man.
WAT Executive Ofﬁcer Mrs Conehead oversees all matters WAT related and membership (inc. fees). Largely responsible for reining in Conehead from outrageous schemes and ideas she should only be contacted in extreme emergencies; otherwise don’t. If she needs to contact you, you can usually feel the hairs standing up on your neck beforehand.
Wales – email@example.com Sister Moonshine is reponsible for all things Cymru related. If you have any issues, she will wave her magic wand and resolve them.
Political Ofﬁcer – firstname.lastname@example.org Brother Castle is responsible for matters concerning common sense, reality checks and the voice of reason. He is also half cyborg with a newly re-constructed knee, although he doesn’t spend his time trapped in a movie franchise being constantly sent back in time to kill someone called ‘John Connor.’
Europe – email@example.com Sister Jeppsson co-ordinates the global domination plans for Europe from a fjord in Sweden. Or is that Norway? Either way the European states are falling like dominoes under the guidance of the Swedish task-mistress.
Lanzarote – firstname.lastname@example.org Brother Starcher is fronting up things in the Canary Islands – this provides us with an important strategic foothold off the coast of Africa. Brother Starcher can be found co-ordinating global domination from a volcano of his own.
Dubai – email@example.com Stu can be found trying not to melt while basking in the heat of “tax free-ness”. It’s unknown how much global domination can be done – but the tendrils of the BCTTT reach far and wide.
North West Brother Butler has wrestled control of the North West from the Ex-SGM. Plans for beasting rides in the frozen wastelands of Cheshire are soon to follow.
Yorkshire & Humberside – firstname.lastname@example.org The white rose county is soon to come under the inﬂuence of the BCTTT via Gavin. Whippets, pigeons and Tetley bitter are all manner of things Gav concerns himself with.
West Midlands – email@example.com When not dodging cars stolen by 8 year olds in the Telford area, Brother Roberts cultivates and manages the BCTTT domination of the West Midlands. Now free from injury he will be seen conquering all number of triathlons in 2010!
South West – firstname.lastname@example.org Brother Didds is responsible for triathlon global domination amongst all things cider and farming. Based in an idylic country house set among rolling ﬁelds, and scaring young and old alike as holder of It’s not about the Bike Award, 2010.
London – email@example.com Brother Jellybaby ensures the nation’s capital is under the BCTTT umbrella of inﬂuence. He’s also taken on the mantle of Vice-SGM, for those times when Scotty is out shopping for pink children’s bikes. Challenging the establishment’s Tri-scene we all know everyone will eventually succumb to the BCTTT inﬂuence. It’s simply a mattter of time.
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Britain’s Fastest Ironman Tom Lowe in for a bike fit and to collect his new 9series Speed Concept and Reynolds wheels.
Traditional methods fit the rider to a preconceived ideal of what the bike should look like. This is wrong. We work to make the bike fit the rider, not the rider fit the bike. Our fit service takes into account variables of anatomy, flexibility, range of motion and riding style. What is involved? Detailed Customer Interview Physical assessment of range of motion Cleat alignment Bike adjustment Review of fit & Advice How long does it take? Circa 3 hours.
www.btownbikes.com Tel: 01922 411 180 • Lakeside Plaza, Walkmill Lane, Bridgtown, Cannock, Staffordshire WS11 0XE
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Finest moment at the Club Relay Champs? Lee leads Mick down the ďŹ nishing chute â€“ chapeaux chaps. Pic: the boy Burnish.
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BESIDE THE SEASIDE
OH, WE DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE Brother ris (Nick H) doesnâ€™t play well with others, and usually traipses round on his own in training. So it was with some trepidation that he joined the experienced BCTTT training party for a weekend by the seaside. Would he survive the France in-jokes or ride in a group without crashing into Darren? Read on...
BESIDE THE SEASIDE, BESIDE THE SEA
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Minehead probably doesn’t appear on many people’s radar. For some it just shouts “Butlins”, for others “All Tomorrows Parties” (held annually at Butlins). For me, Minehead will forever be associated with an obscure Monty Python sketch which imagines a post-War takeover of the town by escaped Nazis. As I approached the delightful North Somerset town I had only two thoughts left in my addled brain. The ﬁrst was that I had somehow blagged my bike onto the local bus service. The second was a strident Mr Hilter declaring that “Historically, Taunton is a part of Minehead already”. I was on my way to meet Jody, Sar and Jibby at a guesthouse for a lateseason BCTTT training weekend. For them it was a reunion of the France training week, for me it was a whole new world of cluster. I was just hoping that the guesthouse wasn’t too much a throwback from the late 60’s Python. I needn’t have worried too much; the Base Lodge was largely empty save for our party, and absolutely no war criminals to be seen. I travelled down on the Saturday morning, while the rest of the group had arrived the previous day.
Opposite: Minehead in the sunshine, and I bet the wind wasn’t up, either. Above: Our residence for the weekend.
Circumstances had left me with public transport, and while I was prepared to haul me and my luggage the 30 miles from Taunton I miraculously persuaded the driver of the shuttle bus to let me bring the bike on board. His look of resignation is one I will treasure. I arrived with the group ready to head out on the main event of the Saturday – a 70km bike into Exmoor with a stiff breeze. We were on our way within 20mins of my arrival and it only took 10mins before we were hauling ourselves up some ridiculous hill. The route was a version of “Ken’s Autumn Colours”, a local sportive that Jody had done earlier in the year.
We’d all brought our most wintery bikes – this was no place for TT set-ups or lightweight gear. The wind would’ve blown you into the nearest hedge the moment you dropped your guard anyway. The route was a tough one, but not brutal. The climbs were long and steady rather than walls of pain and suffering. There were four noticeable climbs, three of them lengthy and culminating at 400m from the sea level start. The group was small but worked well with each other. There was excellent communication of road conditions and approaching trafﬁc.
December 2011 Dom nation Magazine
BESIDE THE SEASIDE
We quickly learned each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Jody was a demon descender – happy plumetting at speed into tight turns. He also had a bike that periodically refused to change gear at the front mech. Nick was clueless on the descents, but could climb like a mountain goat. This seemed unfair so he was hobbled by Jody into using the 50t chainring for the whole route. Jibby was a terriﬁc team-rider, working hard at bridging the small gaps that occasionally opened up. Sar was our rock – we could rely
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on her not to join in with some ridiculous sprint or hill chase. For someone who claimed not to have ridden her bike much she was no slouch, either! Even without the autumnal colours that would follow a few weeks later, the route was beautiful. The ﬁnal, 200m, descent was really enjoyable and very welcome. The ride had taken a little longer than planned, and we got back only just in time to meet up with a waiting BlinkyBaz. He’d made the short journey to the coast for a cameo appearance and a sea swim. Jibby generously brought some
home-made Ironbiscuits which helped bridge the nutritional gap. Interest in getting into the Bristol Channel wasn’t universal, though. Jibby had an ankle-twang that restricted his kicking, and Jody couldn’t be arsed. We cajoled him. He still couldn’t be arsed. We told him he could choose between an October sea swim or the planned run later in the day – he surprised us all by choosing the run. It left three hardy souls to suit up and head out for a swim. Sar wasn’t feeling particularly conﬁdent as it had been a while since she’d swum in the sea, and the conditions
Above: Only a tiny amendment required... Opposite page, Top: Jibby keeping warm on the beach while the idiots swam. Opposite page, below: The idiots about to swim.
weren’t ideal. The strong wind meant a decent swell, so it was agreed that the party would stay together. We worked out the sighting points and distances before entering the water. Baz was sea-testing the Aqua Sphere test goggles which meant a bit of tinkering with kit once he was in the water. It was seasonably warm, and we all settled into a good rhythm as we headed out and then along the beach toward the harbour. We were only in the water for 20 minutes or so, but it was a good, relaxing session that stretched out the limbs in advance of the run that would follow. Leaving the water the swim party discovered that Jody and Jibby had been busy with provisions,
and presented the swimmers with hugely appreciated warm drinks and cake. More importantly for a foolish me, Baz had a spare beach towel, as the hand-towel I’d brought was only likely to lead to arrest. After saying farewell to Baz the group returned to the hostel to prepare for an hour’s run. There were a few weary bodies by now, and getting much further on the diet of nuun, jelly babies, Soreen and Zipﬁt bars was going to be uncomfortable. My primary thought by now was getting a proper feed on. The run was a pretty free form affair, with Jody as the steady pace that we all returned to. His training for the Thames Path 100 meant he didn’t need distracting by silly buggers setting some stupid pace. So we ran ‘around’ him – taking on short sprints on side-roads and then catching back up to vary the pace. The route wasn’t planned, but started by heading up the hills behind the hostel before heading down and along the front to the end of the harbour walls. By the time an hour was up we were on the doorstep of the hostel, tired and about ready for the most important discipline of all – food and ‘recovery’ alcohol.
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BESIDE THE SEASIDE
had to offer, and predictably ended up in the local Wetherspoon. As the evening moved on the clientelle got lairier, the skirts shorter and tops more low cut. Eventually we had to ask Jody to put some clothes back on. Our eyelids were drooping, however, despite the best efforts of the atomically-coloured alcoholic drinks on offer, and eventually we kayaked back to the guest house. We all knew that the following day was going to be an early start to get out for a couple of hours on the bike, before heading off in convoy to Taunton for a pool swim session.
Luckily for me Jody, Jibby and Sar had scoped out the local eateries the previous evening and had identiﬁed a decent pub on the seafront. Even more fortunately, it turned out that they weren’t that hungry after all, and so I was able to pack away some of the leftovers. Some people might be self-conscious about this, but I am a triathlete – I wear ridiculous lycra outﬁts in public – so scofﬁng down the remains of Jody’s mixed grille and chips was no bother. Following my two suppers we explored the nightlife that Minehead
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We woke early and ate a breakfast of champions. By which I mean that I’d mostly forgotten to go shopping yesterday for real food and was scrabbling around for something to scoff. Jody knew the secret to good fuelling – cup of tea, Nutella and Fox’s Crunch Creams.
I blagged a couple of biscuits, a cup of instant black coffee and half a bagel from Sar. I had half a cereal bar and a load of nuun to get me through both bike and swim sessions, but the route was coastal and ﬂat so I ﬁgured I’d be ﬁne. We’d planned on doing about 40–50km, heading out of Minehead to the south before taking the coastal roads east and then doubling back via Watchet and Williton. It all started so well, until we turned off toward the coast road at Carhampton. Some cheeky blighter had chucked a sodding hill in front of us. Nothing to compare with an Exmoor col, but short and steep and frankly evil. Descending off it wasn’t a huge laugh either – just as short and similarly steep the other side. The ﬁrst casualty of the hill was me –sat just behind Sar I spotted the ruts in the road all too late and couldn’t bunny hop them in time. I kept the bike upright, but managed to eject my water bottle and rear light off the saddlebag.
So much for a gentle coastal ride! My challenge of staying in the 50t was still on, though, and despite the steepest sections being at 16% I managed to stick it out. Jody then suggested that when restarting we should pedal one-legged until achieving 20mph, at which point you could re-clip. Yeah, right. Didn’t stop me trying and knackering my legs up some more.
Luckily, Jody and Jibby missed my caltrops and the kit was recovered. Every descent after that I was convinced that something was going to happen and I ended up riding the brakes until they smoked.
Jody and I also discovered that Jibby could be challenged into almost any stupid pursuit, and so would set him on some insane breakaway or chasing me up a hill. All in good humour and he knew he’d get his own back in the pool.
We left Minehead warmed up and all looking forward to a paddle and then some lunch, before heading homewards. Taunton pool isn’t a bad setup; there were two wide lanes available and there were some Lady and Mandolphins already hooning up and down the fast lane in their Ironman swimming caps. James had brought a swim programme for fast and intermediate swimmers and we set to taking over the place in our yellow BCTTT swim hats and dayglow sunburst drag shorts. Okay, the latter was just me. James’ programme looked pretty achievable despite our burnedout legs – we had 1h 20m to do a 2.2–2.5km swim.
The coast road was anything but ﬂat – it was in fact a succession of short, sharp, hills. None greater than 100m of climbing, but also nothing shallower than 12% and no ﬂat bits as respite. By the time we’d completed the ride we’d done seven hills, and covered about the same elevation per mile as the day before.
Opposite page, left: Sar and Jibby drinking something chemically coloured. Opposite page, below: Breakfast of champions. This page, top: Nick’s scrounged brekky – thanks Sar and Base Lodge! Right: Not a long pool.
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BESIDE THE SEASIDE
There was some debate about the length of the pool, though, mainly from our non-swimming members. Jody: This pool is long, mate. Me: Don’t be soft; it’s a 25m pool. You’ve just forgotten how big one is because you’ve not swum in one since March. Jody: I’m telling you, this pool isn’t 25m. It looks long. Me: MTFU and get swimming. A short while later. James: Is your stroke count out? Me: Yup, I’m getting 4–6strokes more per length, and I can’t hit the times in the programme without killing myself.
James: Me too. I think it’s a 33m pool. Me: That sounds right. Whatever you do, don’t tell Jody – we’ll never hear the end of it. The set that we were using had gone from being bearable to being vicious – I couldn’t cope with 3x33m at max with 5s rest; it was just too much. We all did what we could, but I think the overriding thought after about 40mins for all of us was getting some lunch. We managed to identify another Wetherspoon and attacked the Sunday lunch menu, while discussing what we thought we’d got from the weekend. The main thing that we all thought we’d beneﬁtted from was having some motivating company that kept you going.
We’d also found it helpful that the sessions weren’t too rigid, and there was enough scope for people to get what they wanted from whatever we did. We’re all training for different things at different times, so it was important that we could adapt the sessions individually. Sar did amazing work organising the weekend, despite the usual BCTTT clusterful turnout. Jibby and Jody’s programmes for swim and bike were superb, and how I was able to drag myself to work the next morning on the bike I’ll never know. Here’s to Derbyshire on April, if we can actually sort our bloody lives out. Someone from the North get on this smartish!
Left to right: SGM Jody Beard Dr Jibbenstein Sar “Tarka” Nick “ris” H. Global
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Ask the Endomondo faster! further! Endomondo – the cheerful face of savage training brutality. It’s happy, smiling face belies the agony of challenges, pointless competitions and free Jabra headsets that no bugger wants. We’ve all witnessesd the idiocy that the BCTTT has brought to Endo – now it is time for it to repay the favour.
Faster. Further. Faster. Further. Win some bit of Endo branded kit. Faster. Message from Ian: You have forgotten your keys.
Weekly wonder Wotcha Endo
I’ve been doing the BCTTT challenge “Ride around the UK before teatime on Tuesday” and was wondering how best to motivate myself for such an ordinary event?
What you need is a few more peptalks from your loving club-mates. Snippets of delight will keep you in “the zone”.
Weak Chris, Tucked up in Bed.
Message from Mama Weeks: Your tea is ready, chrissykins.
Uni-blow Dear Evil face of despair Somebody ridiculous set a “BCTTT – Fastest 10km unicycling backwards along a cliff” challenge, which I naturally accepted and now realise my stupidity. I’m aware I could leave the challenge, but don’t want to lose face with my club-mates. I don’t suppose you know where I can get a unicycle from? BTown have been cleaned out you know, and it turns out unicycles are what the thieving sods wanted most. Rissole, the West Dear Ed
Reading and righting Dear Oh Green Wonder I am in a savage death spiral of training with another club member, hurtling toward inevitable injury as he batters me into the ground with his relentless training. How can I stop the little bugger and take my rightful place at the top of the training hours challenge?
Jabra have just made a special Endocycle – and you can be in with a chance to win it if you enter the “Most not invented training hours in the desert” challenge. Shall I sign you up now or do you want to reconsider the “Leave Challenge” button? Message from the wife: I have moved your turbo to the skip.
Tade Ansley, Readinghamshireton Dear Roofy Set him an additional challenge, like most hours kayaking, or furthest cross-country skiing. He’ll be so knackered trying to ﬁt a kayaking commute into his week to do any proper training. Alternatively, you could record all of your waking hours as “other”, which should secure you the victory you seek. Endomondo wishes you luck in your fruitless endeavour.
Someone, please stop Ade from doing brick sessions. Pleeease! firstname.lastname@example.org.
Message from Nick: Riding for four hours is cheating.
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BAZ’S BCTTT REVIEW CENTRE
GOGGLES GROUP TEST Which pair? Which style? Which lens? I have been drifting through the mineﬁeld of goggles ever since starting triathlon. I would say I have a normal face shape with all the bits in pretty much the right place. My nose is fairly in the middle of my face and eyes aren’t too wide apart or too close to each other. I would have thought this should make buying goggles that ﬁt easy. Well, it’s not as simple as that. There are a few things to take into consideration. Will I get panda eyes from them? Are they UV protective? Will I look a fool in them? Of course, the most important question, will they seal to my face shape?* With these pitfalls in mind I have taken on the role of testing and reviewing goggles to help you with your choice. I hope you ﬁnd my reviews both helpful and worthwhile. I have asked a fellow swimmer in my coached swim session to give me her opinion on all the same aspects as I will be testing them on. She has a smaller and slightly different face shape; this should give a better overall verdict. We tested three mighty aquatic face-huggers: • Aqua Sphere Kayenne • Zoggs Predator Flex • TYR Nest Pro
*Ed’s note: The most important question is obviously “Can I have them in carbon?” We were joking about how well they ﬁt being important.
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GOGGLES GROUP 2011 TEST MINEHEAD
AQUA SPHERE KAYENNE I have tried these goggles in both open water and the pool. On ﬁrst inspection I was very impressed with how soft the seal felt and how ﬂexible they were across the nose piece. When I ﬁrst tried them on I found the seal ﬁtted really well and I did not need the strap to hold them on. That is always a good start. The ﬁrst swim was a sea swim and the goggles performed well. I only had one leak and that was resolved quickly and easily with an adjustment to the strap. The vision was good and the lenses did not fog at all.
The pool swim was equally as good; there was never an issue with fogging or leaking and I did not suffer with panda eyes either. Both of us have rated these goggles highly but found them to be rather large and best for open water rather than the pool.
Visit www.aquasphereswim.com for the complete range and their technical information.
My only complaint, and it’s a small one, is that the black rims are slightly distracting whilst swimming but I am sure you would get used to them. If I was thinking of buying these I would go for a smoked lens but both clear and blue are available. The Kayenne come in a variety of colours so there is a wide choice.
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BAZ’S BCTTT REVIEW CENTRE
ZOGGS PREDATOR FLEX On ﬁrst impression these goggles look like something from a sci-ﬁ movie. The lens is also completely mirrored. I was impressed with the ﬂexibility of the goggles, the seal felt good and the colours gave them a funky look. After trying them on without the strap I was happy with the seal around my eyes. I tried these in the pool ﬁrst and found them quite dark but still clear. They did unfortunately fog up after about 12 lengths. After a quick rinse off they cleared perfectly but did fog up again later. I have to say it was a nice comfortable ﬁt and there was no leakage whatsoever.
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The open water test was a hard one as I wore these for Ironman UK 70.3 2011. There was no sign of them leaking and they felt great for the whole swim but fogged up after 10 minutes. This did make sighting a touch more difﬁcult than necessary. As for differing face shapes, they sealed well for both of us and the size isn’t a problem. I would suggest these could be used for both open water and pool based training or events. For full details, please visit www.zoggs. com.
GOGGLES GROUP TEST
TYR NEST PRO NANO METALLIZED being worn. This aside, they do look like a good pair of goggles and The third pair in the review is the TYR give the impression of being more streamlined than others. The seal Nest Pro Nano metallized. These are the smallest goggles in this test but by was again nice and soft but smaller no means should they be overlooked. in diameter than I have been used to. When I ﬁrst opened the packet I was disappointed to ﬁnd that there was no My ﬁrst use of these was in the protection for the goggles whilst not pool and they performed well. Even though the lens in metallized you get a good, bright area of vision. I did not feel that the colours changed much and it deﬁnitely was not dark. The fact that the seal was transparent gave a nice appearance. TYR Nest Pro Nano Metallized
They did fog occasionally and felt a bit close to my eyes, almost like my eyelashes nearly touched the lens. As for open water, they did a great job. I swam in the sea with these and the lens gave a great view, if not quite 180 degrees. This could have been an issue if I had been racing, and I believe they are better suited to use in the pool. Does it matter about face shape? No, they sealed well on both face shapes in the test and no panda eyes were to be seen. Please visit www.tyr.com for full details.
7/10 All three pairs of goggles did the job. I was not disappointed by any of them. Even though they have strengths in different areas, they outweighed the weaknesses. As you will see from my scoring! I didn’t set out to review these goggles expecting to ﬁnd such a close score. There was no favouritism to a pair or company.
It is with pleasure that I say Aqua Sphere Kayenne were the highest scoring pair and we have a pair to give away. Look out for the competition result on page 40 of this issue to discover the lucky winner! I hope you have found this review helpful. Keep an eye out for future reviews in forthcoming issues.
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Meet the Member Blinkybaz Introducing Barry Williams aka Blinkybaz
A pensive Baz wonders how he got into this ridiculous pastime, and how he can escape...
Let’s start with your name and any akas. Barry Williams (Blinkybaz). How old are you (please)?! 35.
Did you swim, bike or run previously? I could manage maybe one length of a pool when I started to train. I had to buy a bike and learn to ride. I hadn’t ridden a bike since I was 12. As for running – well, I didn’t!
Do you have any family? My fab wife Marina (ladies don’t reveal their ages!)
When and where was your ﬁrst tri? Taunton Deane triathlon 2009. A very poor performance.
Where are you? Deepest darkest Somerset.
What does the family think of your triathlon exploits? Marina thinks I am a touch mad, and spend too much on kit. She is great and doesn’t really mind how much I race or train. Signing up for the UK 70.3 made her laugh the most, though!
How did you get into tri? I started triathlon because a friend of mine said it would be a good challenge. Little did I know I would still be doing it and am now in my fourth season.
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What has been your greatest triathlon moment to date? Crossing the line at Wimbleball! Well, just making the cut offs at Wimbleball! What’s the daftest thing you’ve done in a race so far? I managed to rub vaseline onto my goggles at Wimbleball before I got in the water. It’s not good to swim open water with blurred vision – and I dare you to try and get that stuff off without soap! What is your motivation? I have a medical condition (Behcets) and keeping ﬁt and healthy seem to help keep the symptoms manageable! The number of tablets I take each day has slowly come downand hope to be
down to one a day soon. I was on about 16 a day when I started, and I weighed in at 15 stone. Triathlon has given me a reason to keep ﬁt and to be honest, I LOVE IT! What bike(s) do you have? Argon 18 Radon and she is called Betty! And your dream bike? Sad answer here but I don’t really dream of a bike as such, just a style. I would love a carbon TT bike with the cut away in the tube for the back wheel. How often do you train, and do you follow a proper training plan? A plan? What witchcraft is that? I don’t have a plan; I just like getting out there and doing it. I hate to run but love to ride and swim. How often do I train? Is not enough an answer? My training is up and down. Sometimes I train 6 days a week, others 1 day. At the moment I am training twice a day 3 times a week and once a day for 2 days. I do count racketball as training and circuits. Core and speed work are still training! What HRM/GPS gadgets have you got? It’s the Garmin Forerunner 405 for me. With chest strap. Any other kit you love? That’s a hard question. I like all my kit. The club trisuit is just great and I really like my Foor wetsuit. And the club swim cap is really good.
Help a faller or run on by? I am a deﬁnite helper. I have stopped a few times on the bike to give out tubes and lend a pump. I would help a runner too, and a swimmer! Come to think about I would stop to help most people in whatever!
Blonde or brunette? Blonde.
Beer or no beer? Beer and I’ll be honest; my guilty pleasure is Guinness.
Anything else you’d like to tell us about? I am going to sign up for the River Dart 10km swim this year. I had a dream of going long but I am going to put that on the back burner for this year and work on becoming a better triathlete.
Socks or no socks? Socks over 5km, no socks for short sprints. Longer or faster? Another hard question. My dream is longer but my body enjoys shorter (I’m not saying faster)!
Train alone or with others? I train alone for most of what I do. I do enjoy some company for longer sessions.
I am also going to step up and marshal at a race this year. I have never done it and consider it’s time to give back. So anyone racing at Wimbleball this year will have me as a marshal. As those of you I met at the Relays and Minehead will know, I am a deaf old goat and I don’t see too well either. So, if you do meet me and I seem to ignore you it’s just because I didn’t hear you or see you. Just shout at me. That seems to work a treat! Look forward to meeting more of the club members at the relays this year.
Suave, and one of the few people able to look relaxed in neoprene.
Dom nation Magazine
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IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
CUCKOO CROCKED Why send one triathlete to an Ironman race, when you can send two? Double the cluster, double the fun, right? Two very different triathletes – professional pipecleaner Simon (GingerTri – our Climber, on the left) and uber-runner Ade (Tritans - the Puncheur, on the right) took on the Ironman Switzerland course. After this display of epic fails, IMCH might ask the club members to consider Dignitas for their next visit...
* Darren’s IMFL race report was in issue 3 of GD, for those with short memories. Global
December 2011 Dom nation 23 Magazine
A CLIMBER’S TALE
I entered for IM Zurich exactly one year ago today after texting Joninho and JB, who were drinking beer at the time in Zurich and replied: “It’s great fun; you’ll love it. “ I distinctly forgot about IM until November, when the FearTM ﬁrst knocked on my door! In response I got the BeIronFit book, browsed through and found an Excel sheet for training. Three months in (by the end of February) and I tore my right hamstring doing hill reps with the running club – damn! So next day I saw my GP to get referred and two days later had my ﬁrst physio appointment (I love BUPA!). Lots of massage and stupid acupuncture followed – pointless invention, just causes pain (acupuncture that is). By the time I was cycling again I had only 6 weeks to get ready for Hayle Middle Distance tri, but did OK, and came 54th overall. After a week’s beasting at Les Stables I came back and did the longer rides (104 miles – in two parts on same day, and 98 miles in one go), and some nice 18 mile hilly trail runs. I ﬂew to Zurich on the Tuesday before the race and stayed at some friends in Erlenbach (one minute from the lake).
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A slight issue occurred when I realised on the day of the ﬂight out that my return was booked a day early so would’ve had to ﬂy home during the race – feck! So I had to bite the bullet and pay the extortionate amount to move it to the right day. I re-assembled my bike on Wednesday, when my second slight issue arose. I removed the chain when I boxed the bike up for Zurich, but one half of the quick link went ‘ping’ somewhere, so I removed one from my other bike (thinking that both sides were the same!). Luckily I had my link removal tool (on my multitool) so now had an old fashioned chain with no quick links! I then took it out for an hour’s spin (which turned into a 2-hour hill session – unwittingly on some of the course), when I promptly discovered my bike computer was knackered!
I registered on Thursday (travelled by ferry), and had a swim and BBQ on Friday (with a solitary beer and some schnapps – it would be rude not too!). There was also the mandatory race brieﬁng – this was the ﬁrst time I got butterﬂies in my stomach! They had altered the bike course and it was now 5km more in total (not worth stressing about!). I met up with Tritans at the main station for an alcohol free beer and to give him guest tickets for the opening ceremony – as I was already going to the BBQ! I rocked up on Saturday and clapped the Olympic distance triathletes into the run (I got some smiles and thanks!
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
This also this got more people watching). I racked my bike, including the free bike cover as it was starting to rain hard, and I saw Macca in transition! Sunday was race day, and at T-3 hours my alarm went off after a ﬁtful night’s sleep! I got breakfast and coffee then took a taxi to transition. I got there and enjoyed my ﬁrst AD of the day (before the portaloos got manky!), checked my bike and tyres and sorted out nutrition (2 SIS Isogels – one for the ﬁrst 15 minutes on the bike and second for the last 20 minutes on the bike, four cookies and cream Powerbars, 1x750ml water bottle, 1xdual aerobottle – 1.6L one with nuun, other with water). I also managed to see Tritans and said hello! I managed to sneak in another AD, then it was time to put on my wetsuit. There were quite a few ﬁrst timers from all over the world on my rack (one guy from Australia, one from Spain, and a fellow Brit), so I chatted a bit and had an SIS Isogel wth 15 minutes to go. I walked down to swim start and dropped off my ﬁnish bag on the way. It’s a dry land start so I jogged down the beach to the lake.
At 7 am the horn goes off and we all casually walk into the water and into the maelstrom – up to the ﬁrst buoy it was survival of the fastest, and I was in the lead wave! Water-polo type swimming (ie head up most of the time) seems to help to try and ﬁnd gaps!
“...someone ﬂoating facedown – it’s OK they’ve just stopped for a pee!”
As I turn at the second buoy I see someone ﬂoating facedown – it’s OK they’ve just stopped for a pee! The swim goes down to an island where you’re funnelled like a ﬁsh into a small net! There’s a 30m walk over the island and then back in – there were people sprinting, but frankly I couldn’t be arsed! I got back into clear water and set into a nice rhythm, even managing to pee on the move (trust me, it’s hard to do initially!). I ﬁnished the swim in 1.09.22 (430th).
December 2011 Dom nation 25 Magazine
A CLIMBER’S TALE
I got my wetsuit off and put my club cycle top on, dried my feet and put my cycle shoes, helmet and sunnies on. Out onto the road we go! The ﬁrst part is as ﬂat as a pancake, so I was happily doing 21mph (by now the computer had recovered), and then it heads up “The Beast” which is a long hill to climb! A few more hills then a couple of non-tri bar descents before heading back to the start and the “Heartbreak Hill.” This isn’t particularly long, but it’s depressing as you have to go past transition to get to it. There was only one case
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of drafting I saw – two guys from the same club on each others wheel – ascending or descending. I passed them and remarked it wasn’t a team TT! Quite a few got me on the ﬂat, but not many got me on the hills! At the start of second lap I let out a huge fart and needed a wee, so found the next portaloo for some AD. The second lap also strangely sapped me – I was still climbing well but was suffering on the ﬂat a bit more. Heartbreak Hill was a lot more of a struggle this time, but I carried on to transition in 6 hours 36min, 1196th
overall. I was glad to be off the bike and could now run, or so I thought! My good Lord, what the hell... someone had changed my legs for some of the 80 year olds I see at the running track! This was going to make a marathon interesting. All I could manage was shufﬂe, shufﬂe, shufﬂe! I passed Tritans a bit later. He was walking (part of his plan), and I kept moving. I came through the ﬁrst 10km in 1 hour, and felt good for a 4 hour or so marathon, but it got slower.
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
started to run next to me shouting: “Everyone this is Simon; he’s going to be an Ironman.” I pushed and crossed the line with a 5 hour 8 minute marathon. At the ﬁnish was the German guy I’d run with, who as soon as I’d crossed the line handed me a non-alcoholic beer – nice touch! A minute later I had my medal and was hugging everyone else with a medal shouting: “I am an Ironman!” I took my gels when I had to, but really went for the pretzel sticks, bouillon and lots of water at the aid stations. There were also plenty of people suffering like me from band envy (you got a coloured band on each of the 4 laps – in the colours of the UCI world championships). As we were all suffering, there was good camaraderie of pulling people with you; for three laps it was me, a German guy and a Royal Navy chap all passing and patting each other on the back to get each other going. This and having your name on the front gets you through, really, but in-between I just counted from 1 to 100 for 2 hours 30; there isn’t much else to say on the matter! Coming into the last 0.5 km I saw the friend I was staying with and he
I sat down and ﬁnished the beer, then had a shower (they had for their own amusement put the showers up some stairs!), put my medal and ﬁnishers tee on then went back out to wait for Tritans – luckily he turned up just as I got to the ﬁnish line. I gave him a manly hug before getting some rice and chicken Stroganoff and another non-alcoholic beer. I had to walk 20 minutes to get to the station, partly as we kept stopping to clap the “nightwalkers” – those runners still out on the course with glow sticks around their necks. I slept in my Compressport full legs and wasn’t too stiff the next day, but kept the compression on until Tuesday when my legs were completely recovered! To make sure I’d recovered I went and partied in Ibiza for four days before ﬁnally getting the hallowed Ironman tattoo.
December 2011 Dom nation 27 Magazine
12th June 2010 – Windsor Olympic morphine and couldn’t walk more Distance Triathlon 2 hours 47 mins. than 50 yards unaided seemed to pass them by. A modest time by many standards, but after a decade of obesity and With the decision made, we needed borderline alcoholism, to me it was a to arrange entry. Iin my drug hazed monumental time. I was the ﬁttest I state I convinced them that it sold had ever been. Three days later, after out within minutes, so to ensure a minor medical procedure went we all got in a conference call wrong and an exciting, but painful, was arranged for 12 am when ambulance journey, I was lying, registration opened, so we could all unable to move, in a hospital bed enter at precisely the same time. and suffering from a serious infection For reference you could still enter of the spine. IMCH a fortnight before the race! During the three weeks I was in hospital, the infection had eaten its way through one of my discs, and had started on the vertebrae above. Things were bad. If the right antibiotics hadn’t been found it would have been wheelchair time. I realised how serious things were when it took two days of physio for me to be able to get out of bed. By now I was on as much morphine as I could be given and a cocktail of over 60 pills a day. My season was over. Three of my tri friends had been very supportive during my illness; however, they’re not the sharpest tools in the box. They listened to my suggestion of doing IMCH and thought it a good idea. The fact that I was stoned out of my face on
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Realisation Dawns Finally in November I was ﬁt enough to get out on the bike. Words can’t describe how terrible it was, but my buddies showed compassion
and were very gentle on me; this lasted exactly 7 days, after which I was deemed ﬁt and was expected to stop whinging and keep up. A trend which continued for the next 8 months. Getting any sort of ﬁtness seemed to take forever but eventually my prep-race arrived. As I started The Swashbuckler two things dawned on me: ﬁrstly this was my ﬁrst tri in almost a year and secondly it was my ﬁrst middle distance. I don’t know how it happened but I’d convinced myself that I was an experienced triathlete. In reality I’d done a handful of sprints and a grand total of three olympic distance races. All of a sudden I didn’t feel very experienced. I ﬁnished in just over 6 hours, but I really struggled. I’d seriously underestimated what was involved and in just over two months time I had to double the distance. Next up was Windsor OD, quite a symbolic race for me. By now I’d done about 250 hours of training and was hoping for a big improvement on my previous year. I got my wish and smashed my personal best by a massive 1 min 32 seconds. This effectively meant 250 hours of training to get back to where I had been the year before.
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
Finally, and amazingly, we actually made it to transition just after 6.00 am; this gave us an hour’s worth of fafﬁng time. Ironman transition is a surreal place; there are a lot of very nervous people about and it’s eerily quiet. You can almost feel the anticipation. I just about got everything laid out in what has got to be the tightest transition space I’d ever had. I had a handy marker for my position as I was just outside the ladies changing tent. After a while I tired of looking at the uber ﬁt, Iron triathalatti and got down to the swim start with about 30 mins to spare. Let The Cluster Begin I had arranged to meet up with Simon the day before IMCH; he had some black market Pasta Party tickets for me, and we shared a nervous, alcohol-free, beer. As it transpired the tickets were so black market that they didn’t identify the venue! I had been concerned about procuring the pre-race meal of ﬁsh and chips and these fears were well founded – not a chippy in sight. So a cosmopolitan change of strategy was called for (when in Regensberg etc.), pizza, nice, unlike the £50 bill for it and the salad. Ouch.
The agreed time for the morning meet was 5.15 am for a 5.45 am departure; as usual I set two alarms and retired for a surprisingly good night’s sleep. Not so good was the knock at the door that woke me. Neither alarm had gone off and it was now 5.30 am, to say panic ensued would be an understatement. Not a great start to my day. (As it transpired I’d set both of them for 5.45 am so it’s hardly surprising that one didn’t go off at 5.15 am) To add to the panic our pre-ordered taxi failed to arrive – could things get any worse?!
It was good to get away from the stress of transition, and as I stood beside the lake trying to work out where the hell I was supposed to be going I got a tap on my shoulder and an elderly (even by my standards) lady asked where the ﬁrst buoy was.
“...that I was stoned out of my face on morphine... seemed to pass them by...”
December 2011 Dom nation 29 Magazine
When the hooter sounded for us (if it did, I don’t actually remember hearing it) everyone charged headlong into the lake. I’d decided to hang back a little to see if I could pick some sort of line. In reality this was pointless as there wasn’t one. In fact, this was possibly the worst thing I could have done, because I was now tangled up with weaker swimmers than me, and as it was impossible to get around them I was stuck in the melee. She couldn’t see it because her eyesight wasn’t very good. Well to be fair it was so bloody far away I struggled to see it, so I told her to aim for a radio mast on the opposite bank. I asked (diplomatically) what age group she was in; she told me she was 68 and this was her 8th Ironman – respect. I was still remarkably calm; I suppose it was because my aim was simple – ﬁnish. I had no time aspirations, but I couldn’t let all that training and all the grief I’d put friends and family through be for nothing. I worked through several different strategies and plans and felt I would be able to adapt, depending on how things went as the race progressed. In no time we were called to the start line and the Swiss anthem
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was played, and this was the time when the goose bumps ﬁnally appeared. Once the formalities were over the horn sounded and the Elites got under way, from their own beach and a 5-min start on the riff raff. I’m no stranger to open water swimming or mass starts but the start of an Ironman swim is something else – over 2,000 swimmers condensed into a 100m wide strip.
In truth I had a horrible swim. I never managed to get any clear water and it was hard work all the way round. There was brief respite at the end of the ﬁrst lap when we ran across a small island. This gave me a chance to clear my goggles, which had ﬁlled after a sharp right-hander early on. Predictably, less than 5 minutes later, bang – another clash – and they ﬁlled up again!
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
The second lap was similar to the ﬁrst – a constant struggle to make any headway and unusually for me I was glad when the swim was eventually over a very disappointing 1h 20 mins a new worst PB by some 4 minutes. Lesson learnt; do not start at the back again.
In a rare moment of clarity I decided my day wasn’t going to be determined by an extra 4 mins on the swim. A smooth, unhurried transition followed; a full change into bib shorts and top and I was away. Out of transition in 10 mins and bang on the schedule that I didn’t have.
T1 Bike Unbelievably there were still plenty of bikes racked in transition, God knows what their owners had been up to. Maybe my time wasn’t as bad as I’d thought (looking back my friends times were proportionately slower than usual too, so I’m suspecting a slightly long swim), but I was still annoyed.
This was the part of the day I was looking forward to. I’d ridden the course “virtually” on my turbo, so knew that large parts were very ﬂat and fast and that there were three climbs per lap; Beauty, the Beast and Heartbreak Hill. I was going to try and ride to heart rate, so the challenge would be to not go mad on the fast opening 30–40km. I couldn’t help myself; I went off like the proverbial scalded cat. In the words of my teenage daughters –“epic fail”. This was exacerbated by the large pelotons that formed. I was determined not to get caught up in one, so set about passing everyone in sight rather than dropping back behind them. The roads were a joy – smooth as marble. I knew I was going too fast,
but I was having fun. The pelotons were starting to grate a little, especially one cheeky bastard who’d been sucking my wheel for about 10k, when he eventually passed he shouted “drooft, Adrian (our names were on our numbers), drooft” pointing at his back wheel. Now I’m no language expert but I got the distinct impression he was inviting me to cheat. After the joy of the 50km TT came the pain of the ﬁrst climb – the Beast. Being a tad short for my weight, hills are not my friend. I’d trained on courses that replicated the total amount of climbing, but we didn’t have anything that replicated the exact hills; this climb went on for ever, zig zagging up the mountain.
December 2011 Dom nation 31 Magazine
It was never really steep, just 45 mins of grinding monotony; luckily I had something to keep me focussed. My Garmin suddenly came up with a warning message “History Full, delete history?” Typically I ignored it, but the Garmin got more and more annoyed. Okay, I’ll delete the bloody history then; I was in no mood for messing about. As I pressed enter, the screen went blank and it promptly deleted everything – including my current trip! Perfect. After about half an hour of climbing the ying and yang of Ironman was restored. Around yet another bend we were greeted by a maniacal Germanic fellow, clad in lederhosen, beating a drum, leaping up and down and screaming “kill the beast, kill the beast” at the top of his voice. He was treading a very ﬁne line between eccentricity and mental illness. In the end I think the mental illness won. It was a good show, so thanks Helmut. Once at the top of the Beast I proceeded along the top of a ridge through very pretty villages, before a couple of steep descents, where I witnessed some comedic bike handling that resulted in some quite nasty spills. The wail of ambulances ﬁlled the alpine air.
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Beauty was far from it – a bit longer than the Beast it climbed out of an industrial area. It was another arduous climb, but this time without the beautiful scenery to keep your mind occupied. It was also crueller than the Beast because the switchbacks kept hiding the continued ascent, so just as you thought you’d reached the top, another bend appeared and with it another climb. After the 40-min climb I reached the top and a very welcome aid station (more of which later). After a quick refuel, it was on to the blisteringly fast descent back into Zurich.
“...we were greeted by a maniacal Germanic fellow, in lederhosen, beating a drum...” I didn’t have much of an idea of pace, time etc. due to my earlier electronic cluster, but I was feeling pretty good and with only Heartbreak Hill to go I knew I’d nearly completed half the bike course. I have to confess I was a little concerned about Heartbreak Hill. It was the stuff of legend – very steep, with support all crowding around the riders Tour De France style. The last thing I wanted was to have to walk up it. Without doubt it was the best part of the bike, and although it was steep it was quite short. The road was rammed with spectators going absolutely mad – there were cow bells, alpine horns, the whole works. They had, despite the best efforts of the organisers spilled onto the course, which meant there was only enough room for single ﬁle riding. It was a very emotional moment for me.
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
As I reached the Beast for a second time things got a bit surreal. One of my training buddies rode alongside and started having a chat, to say this came as a bit of a surprise is an understatement! Jack is usually 10 mins quicker than me out of the water and we are quite similar on the bike, so considering my poor swim he should have been about 7km ahead of me. I assumed he‘d had a mechanical but everything had been ﬁne and he was having a great day. To this day we neither of us can work out how I’d got in front of him! Being about three stone lighter it wasn’t long before he buggered off up the hill and out of sight.
Sure enough, it wasn’t long into the climb before he caught up again then disappeared into the distance. At the top of the ridge I spotted the Although seeing Jack and Simon unmistakable hibiscus and butterﬂy was a nice distraction, I really was With Heartbreak out of the way, it was back past transition to start lap adorned, waif like ﬁgure of suffering. Time seemed to stand Simon (Gingertri) in the distance, two. Having got the ﬁrst lap out of still; I was hurting and out of water. and a bit of effort saw me catch the way I felt I would be okay. I’d Eventually I could hear the aid him. We had a bit of a chat, and he been eating every half hour and station that signiﬁed the top of the drinking regularly – I felt great. There seemed to be going well so I pressed climb. was a repeat of the draft fest on the on, knowing he’d soon be making up fast stretch out of Zurich, where the the time when we started Beauty. At this point I need to explain a little draft busters were ﬁlling their boots about aid stations on the bike. It’s penalising those ﬁlthy cheats. I’d not not rocket science – as you learned my lesson from lap one and approach you discard your empty again went off too fast, but it was bottle into a goal type affair, then my ﬁrst Ironman, and I wanted some grab replacements a bit further fun. down the road. Simple.
“In the words of my teenage daughters – epic fail!”
December 2011 Dom nation 33 Magazine
Well, it’s not so simple after 5 hours of cycling and after struggling up a bloody great hill. My attempt went something like this: cycle past the bottle deposit area, arrive at collection and grab one bottle. Then realise I hadn’t discarded a bottle and didn’t have anywhere to put my fresh one. I put the fresh one in my mouth, gripping tightly with my teeth, before grabbing a second, which I manoeuvred into my left hand. There then followed a blisteringly fast descent, which I managed with one bottle between my teeth and the other in my left hand – leaving me with a 60kmh descent with only the front brake. Not something I’d recommend.
“...ﬂat on my back with my ankles trapped in my bib shorts...” Once the excitement of the descent had cleared I caught up with Simon again. He enquired about the farmyard smell that accompanied me; I feigned ignorance and pressed on, with his jibes about “seeing me again on the run” ringing in my ears. The elongated (lengthened by 5km due to roadworks, cheers) bike was completed in 6 hours 15mins. I was still feeling good. T2 I’d decided on a full change in T2 into a club trisuit, with my nudity fears assuaged by our glorious leader, who’d conﬁrmed that I could probably “windmill” my way through transition and no one would be the least concerned. After 6 hours in the saddle it would have been more like a pocket fan rather than a windmill. Undeterred I set about my task, it is worth reminding you that my transition spot was just outside the ladies changing tent, where there was now a female security guard. I
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rushed into a surprisingly empty transition, racked my bike, and took off my helmet, glasses, gloves and shirt. I then took my bib shorts off – well nearly off. They were most of the way down and got caught on the shoes that I hadn’t removed. I stumbled around before the inevitable fall – ﬂat on my back with my ankles trapped in my bib shorts, exposing my somewhat saddle sore arse to the security guard manning the ladies changing tent.
IRONMAN SWITZERLAND 2011
Ignoring her screams I carried on trying to regain as much composure as possible. Having ﬁnally dispatched the shorts I wrestled with my trisuit, displaying a similarly depressing trend of incompetence as with the shorts. I tripped over halfway through putting it on, at least this time covering some of my modesty, but in good BCTTT fashion as I fell on my arse I burst the two gels that I’d put in the rear pocket. I then began the feared marathon with my emergency gels trying to adhere my trisuit to my already sore arse – perfect. To round things off as I exited T2 I was told by a grumpy marshal to go and put my number belt back on, so an extra 600m. The “Run” After the debacle of T2 I was keen to get on with the four-lap run, although my electronic failure on the bike meant that I had no idea how I was doing for time. I felt surprisingly good and started off at, for me, a reasonable pace. After a few km I spotted the long suffering Mrs Tansley for the ﬁrst time. It was great to see her but what I really wanted to know was how long I’d been going, which of course she wouldn’t know. She told me that
I was 20 mins ahead of Jack (the bloke who’d passed me on lap two of the bike and whom I hadn’t retaken). I assumed she was mistaken and meant that I was 20 mins behind him.
Soon after, the triathlon Gods smiled on me, and there was a massive thunderstorm. I love running in the rain and it was fresh and cooling. It hammered down for a good 20 mins or so and was beautiful. Just after I got my ﬁrst wrist band the phantomesque Jack overtook me – it turned out he’d had a funny turn on the bike and had to have a lie down for 10 mins, hence me overtaking without realising. Anyway I was happy now normality had been resumed. At some point Simon overtook me and it’s entirely possible he may have lapped me, as I’ve blanked most of the run from my memory. I do recall having half a lager from a group of English fans who took pity on me.
December 2011 Dom nation 35 Magazine
The third lap was excruciatingly painful with what I thought at the time was a pulled hamstring. But my overriding memory was the appalling state some of the other athletes were in. Darren (Conehead) wrote about this in his book and I was sceptical at the time, but I saw people talking to themselves, crying, some who’d had serious AD issues and some who were puking every few hundred metres. It was like a war zone. Bizarrely this helped me, I was in a poor way, but not as bad as plenty of others. Not once did I consider that I wouldn’t make it, and I did.
Out of all this I have one piece of advice. You will have about 6 months to plan your Ironman ﬁnish. DO NOT leave it until the ﬁnal 5km before you start thinking about it. You will be very tired, emotional and certainly not thinking straight. Leaving it this late could very well mean that you do an Aeroplane along the ﬁnishing chute; ﬂying from one side to the other, with your arms outstretched. And, while doing this, you’d certainly not spot your wife, who’d spent the previous 14 hours standing out in the rain supporting you, not to mention putting up with the previous 6 months absenteeism from domestic life. Oops.
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carbondiculous We’re all friends here, so we can admit that we all love carbon. There are some of us in the BCTTT though that ‘love carbon’ a bit more than others, if you get my drift. For those moments of embarrassing carbon love, where better to keep the man-size Kleenex than this handy carbon tissue box. The only difﬁculty is that for those afﬂicted with carbonphilia the box and its contents merely form a terrible circle of (thankfully tidy) self-abuse. Which isn’t a problem as long as it there is an ofﬁcial workout category for it on Endomondo.
We all know that recovery is the fourth discipline, or at least the seventh (after transition, nutrition and hair care), so where better to relax in a fully triathlony way than in this reasonably priced black plastic bath. Think £50k is a bit steep? Think again. While rinsing the sweat from your well-trained pores you will literally be infused with carbon. You will be a half-man, half-carbon weave leviathan, breaking pbs left and right, while your rivals can only gaze on in awe. In you get, now – the water’s lovely.
CORCEL CARBON FIBRE BATH From $72,000
AUTOart CARBON FIBRE TISSUE BOX From $150
Each issue we try and bring you information on the thing we covet most and the products that are made out of it – carbon. Being the BCTTT though, it’s carbondiculous!
December 2011 Dom nation 37 Magazine
How does a lover of ﬂat landscape get on with fell running? Good ol’ Saaffolk boi Shaun Harris went to ﬁnd out so I didn’t have to.
Jibby modelling the new BCTTT beanie hat for the massive, and he is happy to conﬁrm that his bonce remained warm even on the chilliest beach Minehead had to offer.
Iron-distance up a Scottish mountain? Even the swim course has massive lumps in it at the Celtman.
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A resolutely cheerful SGM JoddyBeard checks the weather at Minehead, and immediately regrets not staying in bed.
Brother ris, sporting some headgear courtesy of Rapha and their travelling coffee van. Luckily for him it parked about 3 miles from his ofﬁce. Unluckily for him it was up a dirty great hill and there were only pink ones left...
Will Burnish showing us all how winter bike storage should be carried out – on the sofa, fairy-light highlights, and a selection of cards for it to read if it gets bored. He’ll have left some mince pies and sherry for it on Christmas Eve, too.
Dom nation 39 Magazine
BCTTT COMPETITION WINNER
ON THE FORUM I ASKED THE QUESTION: “HOW MANY OF THE 200 MILES OF SWIMMING THAT RIS DID IN 2011 WERE OPEN WATER?” TO WHICH THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: 11.9 miles. IN MY DEFENCE I WAS PUT OFF BY THE VICIOUS WILDLIFE.* THE WINNER OF THE AQUA SPHERE KAYENNES IS THEREFORE MALTESER, WHO GUESSED CLOSEST WITH 18 MILES. WELL DONE YOUNG MAN.
*I WAS CHASED BY A SWAN. IT WAS A BLOODY BIG ONE THOUGH – DEFINITELY WOULD’VE BROKEN MY ARM IF IT HAD HAD A CHANCE. AND I THINK IT HAD A KNIFE. OR AT LEAST A BIG PLANK OF WOOD WITH A NAIL THROUGH IT. FRANKLY I WAS LUCKY TO ESCAPE WITH MY LIFE.
40 Dom nation Magazine
BCTTT Club Championship 2011
Way, way back in the previous issue, we gave it large and strutted our collective team stuff, ready for the season’s highlight, the Club Champs. The question has to be, who came out on top? There are many ways of measuring success – Jack has spreadsheets that can calculate winningestness to at least ﬁve decimal places – but here are the key ones. 11 teams, with 40 racers. Some of whom made the cut off. Some of whom made it into transition. All of whom raced with distinction. Obviously, apart from the Boy Butterers, the sneaky, speedy bastards. We had plenty of predictable clusters, too. AndyB was enjoying watching his team race until it dawned on him that he was due in transition. The tannoy announcement helped.
West Country captain Jody suffered a completely predictable rear tyre implosion, and was saved by a passing elite with a disc wheel. Darren forgot he couldn’t swim. In terms of winningness the Boy Butterers were highest placed, but that means nothing to the BCTTT. Following them up were the Playboys and the Southerners which surely makes them the ﬁnest the BCTTT has to offer? Of course, your noble Ed is a biased sort, but he ﬁrmly believes that the Cider Swillers came top. And here is why.
We came lowest of the ﬁnishing BCTTT teams – in fact, we were only beaten to last place overall by some upstarts from Halesowen Tri. We have sworn vengeance on them for their foolish behaviour and will ensure they don’t do it again. The truth is that triathlon was the winner, because when they started the ‘ofﬁcial’ prize-giving we drowned them out by cheering home the remaining teams (even Halesowen). We demonstrated to anyone still racing or spectating that it is the back-of-packers that make this sport what it is, and no amount of podiums can change that.
December 2011 Dom nation 43 13 Magazine
BCTTT Club Championship team prizes 2011
Team Boy Butter awarded the “Ninja prize” to ris
The Hillfolk Hobbits awarded some “beautﬁul spokeydokeys” to Andy Howden Midlands Cluster Flumps awarded the prestigious “Homer” to AndyB for services to transition Zoider Drinkers awarded the mighty “All Mouth and No Trousers award” to Conehead
Lost in Transition awarded “the Rear of the Year” Gnome/vinegar pot to Woody.
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Relay Team Prizes 2011 Southern Riviera Playboys awarded the “Pina Colada award” for most tanned to Jellybaby
The Haggis Heroes awarded a delicious haggis to AndyB
Southern Shandy Drinkers awarded the “Stealing the Show award” to Mike the Bike
The Femme Fatales awarded the “Slowest Girl award” to Moonshine
December 2011 Dom nation 43 Magazine
global domination at the club relay champs...
44 Dom nation Magazine
BCTTT Club Championship 2011
...and the post-race awards and social.
December 2011 Dom nation 45 Magazine
BCTTT Club Championship Awards GLOBAL DOMINATION AWARD Chris Weeks Dambuster Tri entry
LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY AWARD Ade Tansley Cycle Shorts and Top
CORKY AWARD Craig Miskin Compressport gear
IT’S NOT ABOUT THE BIKE AWARD Lee Williams BTown goody bag
I’M NOT DEAD, I’M HAVING A REST Mike the Bike Dambuster Tri entry
BRINGING UP THE REAR AWARD Gav Rigg Zipﬁt goody box
REMEMBER THE HARE AND TORTOISE AWARD Bex Halliwell BTown goody bag
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Nottingham, August 2011 club awards 2011 SPECIAL IMMIGRANT RINGER AWARD TuckerM Endomondo LRV
AIR MILES AWARD FOR MOST NORTHERLY MEMBERS
AndyC Bustinskin Race entry Steve Cycle Shorts and Top
MOST DISTURBING IN LYCRA AWARD Andy Howden Compressport stuff
SPECIAL AWARD FOR SERVICES TO THE CLUB AND ORGANISING THIS COLLECTION OF IDIOTS Sar “Running Mad” BTown goody bag
NEWBIE AWARD Will B BTown kit
December 2011 Dom nation 47 Magazine
SUPREME GRAND MASTER NEWS
GLOBAL DOMINATION IS ONLY A TURBO AWAY.
48 Dom nation Magazine
KYLE'S SWIMMING FASTER.
Kyle Leto. Pro triathlete. Oceanside 70.3, U.S.A. 7.02am. First out of the water in the new Helix—it’s debut race in the U.S.
Image courtesy of Tim Carlson.
THE WORLD IS SWIMMING FASTER IN BLUESEVENTY.
Dom nation June 2010 Magazine
Readers Rides Trek Lexa SL WSD
Cate’s Lexa, propped by the smallest bit of timber in West Wales
Well, it only took me two years to do as I was told by Mike the Bike and actually get a bike that ﬁts me. I also had to give in and buy a woman-speciﬁc frame, but at least the Trek isn’t too girly (says she who runs in fushia pink!). However, all my umming and ahhing resulted in the one I actually wanted – the Lexa SLX – having sold out! It wasn’t that it matched club kit that had sold it to me, honest. So a rethink was required, and Mike pointed out that the frames in the SLX and SL were the same, barr the colour scheme, and I could upgrade the components. This resulted in an interesting conversation at home:
50 Dom nation December 2011 Magazine
HAT: “Having a new bike then?” Me: “Yep, just needs a bit of an upgrade.” HAT: “It’s a NEW bike. How much upgrading can it need?!!” Much excitement as Bridgtown commenced the tweaking; narrower handlebars with shallower curve, upgrade to Shimano 105 components – with a moment of panic when I received a call from Mike, and feared I might not be able to pick it up in time for my ﬁrst planned ride. Luckily for me it was just to check that I could live with sliver 105 rather than trendy black. For once I didn’t even know there was a choice of available colours.
The collection from Bridgtown was a bit of a giggle – I’d come straight from work in smart dress. The boys’ faces were a picture when I hoicked my skirt up to check the saddle position, – only to reveal cycle shorts beneath! I had my Selle Italia rather than the Trek standard. I was like a kid at Christmas. Once home I realised I had a component clash, which resulted in my pinching the HAT’s black Look Keo pedals rather than using my grey ones. It turns out that I was getting into this available colours malarky, after all. Its ﬁrst outing was in Thetford; thank you Two-Stroke Tart for the company.
And also apologies for the squeals – it was such fun to ride a bike that actually seemed to go where I pointed it, and was so easy to do it as well! The next proper outing was at the Club Relays, where I would have liked to have been a bit quicker, but for once I found the drops easier to stay on and manged to knock 12 minutes off a comparable previous ride! I now have to admit that Lexi has only had one outing since – in the Cambrians having a giggle on the downhills. It is so much easier to descend when the bike’s centre of gravity feels right, and it wasn’t bad on the way up either despite having a compact rather than a triple. Lexi’s now tucked up in the house as I can’t bear the thought of taking her out on our salty, potholed, muddy roads so the mountain bike is now out for winter traning. I can’t wait for next spring! Oh, and maybe some upgrades in the wheel department.. and I’ve yet to put the tri-bars on... there’s so much to look forward to! Provided these bits come in a suitable range of available colours, of course!
Resting after a dizzying spin round the lake at the Club Champs
aka Sister Moonshine
Frame: Trek Alpha white aluminium Fork: Bontrager carbon Chainset: Shimano 105 50/34 Brakes: Shimano Sora Derailleurs: Shimano 105 Cassette: Shimano 105 Shifters: Shimano 105 Wheels: Bontrager Approved Pedals: Look Keo Saddle: Selle Italia Lady These aren’t actually Cate’s bike, but I think her BlackBerry only works in the summer.
December 2011 Dom nation Magazine
Dom nation Magazine
ISSUE 10 BEFORE THE END OF 2012 SUPREME GRAND MASTER DEELY BOPPER NEWS
March 2010 Dom nation Magazine
Bridgtown Cona Testa Triathlon Team Global Domination magazine, issue 9, Decembuaryish 2011