Tonight on CHEWING THE CUD: it’s twilight time!
vampires and werewolves and monsters, oh my!
With the popularity of twilight comes the popularity of everyone becoming a vampire and werewolf!
But are they really vampires and werewolves?
or are they just bored with real-life?
Caution! You’re about to CHEW THE CUD!
Thanks for joining us tonight. I’m your host, Mike howe.
tonight is twilight night and we’re going to meet both a self-proclaimed vampire and a selfproclaimed werewolf!
we’ll find out why they’re what they are and if it’s helped or hurt their lives!
and now, tonight’s at the trough segment!
AT THE TROUGH I love imagination, a good book, and a good horror movie. But is pretending to be a supernatural creature in real-life a good thing? Can if be a negative for daily living? I’d argue that you should do what you want as long as you’re not hurting someone else. so the question becomes: does it harm anyone else? Let’s find out!
tonight’s I am first guest is mistress mistress sapphire sapphire to you. von frankenstein, chloe smith is the also known as chloe mortal whose smith. thanks for body I inhabit. coming on, ms. OCTORS...EACH TIME BUZZER IS HIT, POINTS ARE DEDUCTED...IF ALL HOLES ARE BUZZED, THE PATIENT IS CONSI smith! gotcha. so does chloe make you pay rent?
I inhabit the body of those whose lifeblood I have devoured. DERED “DEAD”...PATIENTS SAY THEY DONʼT MIND THE NEW TRAINING METHOD AS LONG AS THEY GET “GOOD” D
wow. talk about rent-control! that’s better than section-8 housing!
RUGS AFTER THE OPERATION IS OVER ☆HOWE TV☆ ENTERTAINMENT: FANS OF “JERSEY SHORE” WANT SNOOK Um...right.
anyway, our next guest is kyle davis. mr. davis is a werewolf. thanks for joining us, mr. davis.
my pleasure, Mike.
I TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012...SAY THAT SHE IS MOST INTELLIGENT WOMAN TO COME ALONG SINCE SARAH
so are you really kyle davis or are you inhabiting a mortal body, too?
I’m kyle but I turn into a werewolf.
PLAININ...HER CONSULTANTS HOPE THAT PARIS HILTON STAYS OFF THE BALLOT BECAUSE SNOOKI MIGHT OTHER
Is this only during fullmoons or whenever you feel like it?
I can turn whenever I need to. The full-moon thing is a legend.
WISE HAVE AN UPHILL BATTLE AHEAD OF HER ON HER WAY TO THE WHITE HOUSE ☆HOWE TV☆ RELIGION: NEW
That’s cool. I’m a big supporter of free-will, myself.
POLL SHOWS THAT EVERYONE THINKS THAT THEIR RELIGION IS THE “CORRECT” ONE...SAY THEY FEEL “SORRY”
Now, mistress sapphire, how long have you been a vampire?
I have existed for 534 years.
“ FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE IN THE “WRONG” RELIGIONS ☆HOWE TV☆ MUSIC NEWS: WHISKEY COMPANY TO MA
You look great for your age. So is vampirism a choice or is it biological?
It began as a family curse but we have turned it into our legacy. KE VINCE NEIL-INSPIRED ALCOHOL CALLED “SLAM THIS DRINK”...MARKETING EXECS UNSURE IF IT WILL SELL BE
I hear ya. That’s how baldness is in my family.
Do you mock mistress sapphire? CAUSE THE DRINKʼS ACRONYM WOULD BE “STD”...MOTLEY CRUE FANS DONʼT SEEM TO BE WORRIED WITH THE P
uh...no. I’m mocking chloe smith.
Oh. That is acceptable.
OSSIBLE ACRONYM ☆HOWE TV☆ SCIENCE NEWS: SCIENTISTS SAY THAT DEAD PEOPLE PRODUCE LESS CARBO
When did you overtake her body?
I devoured her life-blood when she was but a child.
N DIOXIDE THAN LIVING PEOPLE, MEANING A SMALLER CARBON FOOTPRINT...ARE NOW ENCOURAGING MORE PE
wow. and they didn’t bust you for corruption of minors?
they would not dare. I am all-powerful.
OPLE TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN AN EFFORT TO LOWER THE GLOBAL CARBON FOOTPRINT OF HUMANITY ☆HOWE TV
are you planning on staying inside chloe until she dies?
I am. I will then find a new host.
☆HOWE TV☆ POLITICS: DEMOCRATS SUGGEST PLANTING “MONEY TREES” IN AN EFFORT TO GET ECONOMY ST
doesn’t that cramp chloe’s professional and private lives?
she is able to work during the day and at night I am satisfied by her body.
IMULATED...REPUBLICANS SAY DEMS JUST WANT TO “PLANT MORE TREES”...DEMOCRATS SAY REPUBLICANS JU
so you’re basically just using her for money and sex?
I know that she enjoys it.
ST WANT TO PREVENT MORE TREE GROWTH...LIBERTARIANS SAY BOTH SIDES ARE “IDIOTS” ☆HOWE TV☆ SPOR
you sound like one of my ex-girlfriends. but anyway...
your humor reminds me of a former lover named abraham lincoln. TS: CONFUSION BREWS OVER ESPNʼS “BASEBALL TONIGHT” SHOW BECAUSE VIEWERS ARENʼT SURE IF THEYʼRE
right. now, mr. davis, how long have you been a werewolf?
I first discovered it during puberty.
WATCHING SPORTS OR OLD EPISODES OF “YO! MTV RAPS!”...ESPN SPOKESPERSON RESPONDED BY SAYING: “W
Ah. You mean like body hair? Things like that?
ORD. WE BE REPPINʼ THE HARDBALL, YO. WE BE WHACK, AʼIGHT?” ☆HOWE TV☆ INTERNET: CLASS-ACTION LAW
by the way, you need to tuck the tag in on your mask. It’s sticking out.
Oh. Wow. thanks!
SUIT FILED AGAINST FACEBOOK...USERS CLAIM THAT THEY DONʼT LOOK AS COOL AS THEY REALLY ARE...FACEB
sure thing. so, is it easy being a werewolf?
It has its ups and downs. shaving is a pain.
OOK CLAIMS NO WRONGDOING, SAYING THAT COOLNESS HAS NEVER BEEN SPREAD THROUGH THEIR SERVERS
I’ll bet. so do you get accused of stealing babies and chickens and stuff?
last year my neighbor threatened to shoot me with a silver bullet.
L HEALTH: RESEARCHERS SAY DRINKING ALCOHOL BY PREGNANT WOMEN CAN AFFECT THE DEVELOPMENT OF
Yeah, mine, too. Then he threw a can of coors light at me.
THE FETUS...ALCOHOLIC MOTHERS CLAIM THAT STUDY IS “BIASED” AND INSIST ON DRINKING IT OFF, IN SOME CA
I survived. So, will you be a werewolf forever?
I guess. I don’t mind because it makes me unique! SES SAYING THAT “THEYʼRE NOW DRINKING FOR TWO”...THE DRINKING MOTHERS CLAIM THAT THEY ARE SHOWIN
unique? but you told my producer that you’re part of a werewolf club!
we’re all unique together, Mike!
G MORE SELFLESSNESS THAN NON-DRINKERS BECAUSE THEYʼRE “BASICALLY BUYING A ROUND FOR EVERYON
the wolf is a fraud!
E”...DOCTORS ASK THAT THE MOTHERS SEEK EITHER THERAPY OR SUICIDE ☆HOWE TV☆ DP: PRESIDENT BARA
you have this is a brought me here to wolf suit, mock my legacy and bitch! insult my bloodline! you disgust me by comparing me to this frat boy in ACK OBAMA SCORES THREE OVER PAR IN RECENT GOLF OUTING...NIKE SUGGESTS DROPPING TIGER WOODS AN the gorilla suit!
you can’t say “bitch” on my show!
why does everyone think they can curse on here?!
D REPLACING SPONSORSHIP WITH OBAMA BECAUSE THEY SAY “ITʼS OBVIOUS THAT OBAMA WAS PRACTICING W
my bloodline will take this show as an affront to its legacy!
I’m the only one here who’s real! babies fear me! women love me! HILE TIGER WAS SLEEPING WITH PORN STARS”...EA SPORTS HAS NOT YET SAID IF THEY WILL BEGIN NEW FRANC
my mortal host finds you repugnant!
you need a few hours in the sun!
HISE OF “BARACK OBAMA P.G.A. TOUR 2012” FOR THE X-BOX AND PLAYSTATION ☆HOWE TV☆ DP: PETA IS OUT
you need a role in teen wolf 3!
If you were here, I’d throw garlic at you! RAGED OVER USE OF TERM “PORK” TO DESCRIBE UNNECESSARY CONGRESSIONAL SPENDING...SAY THAT THEY
but alas, I am in my castle in transylvania!
No, you’re not! you’re in your apartment in trenton! WANT TERM “ORGANIC COTTON” TO BE USED FROM NOW ON IN AN EFFORT TO BOLSTER ANIMAL RIGHTS...CONG
says my cameraman, eddie! he has his gps with him! RESSMEN INSIST THAT NO ANIMALS ARE HARMED DURING LEGISLATIVE PROCEDURES -- ONLY TAXPAYERS ☆HO
then he must die!
eddie! Get out of there!
WE TV☆ WASHINGTON: REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS UPSET WITH NEW STUDY SHOWING THAT THEY ARE M
ORE ALIKE THAN DIFFERENT...BOTH SIDES CLAIM THAT STUDY IS “BIASED” BECAUSE THE RESEARCHERS WERE
Mike, never trust a vampire.
ONLY CONCERNED WITH “FINDING THE TRUTH”...BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS PROMISE THAT THE STU
thanks for joining us, mr. davis. we need to cut to commercial and see if eddie is okay.
sure thing, Mike. thanks for having me on.
DY WILL BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG BEFORE IT CAN “POISON” THE MINDS OF AMERICAʼS YOUTH... ☆HOWE TV☆
wmim ALL-MIME RADIO! All mime, all the time!
RATINGS SUGGEST THAT NOT EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY IS WATCHING “AMERICAN IDOL,” “THE BACHELOR,” O
after the commercial break...
well, folks, we think we have eddie’s video feed back from trenton.
Eddie? eddie? Eddie, are you all right?
R “JERSEY SHORE”...LAWMAKERS ARE CONCERNED THAT SOME AMERICANS MIGHT BE READING BOOKS AND W
hello, Mike. “eddie” is my host’s name.
please call me master vladimir von frankenstein!
OULD POSE A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY...PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES PROMISE TO MAKE ILLITERACY D
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