A Single Focus by Life Action Ministries

a publication of Life Action Ministries

Volume 49, Issue 1

A S I

NG THE FAIRY TALE MYTH Nathan Cowles | p. 6

HOW TO HELP SINGLES IN YOUR CHURCH Paula Marsteller | p. 10

FAMILY PLUS Aidan Till | p. 20

FOCU

contents

COLUMNS 03 SPIRIT OF REVIVAL

YES to God’s Call

05 CONVERSATIONS

I Do

THE FAIRY TALE MYTH

PERSPECTIVES

HOW TO HELP SINGLES IN YOUR CHURCH

18 HARD QUESTIONS

What was going on in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul recommended singleness?

22 VIEWPOINT

A Formula for False Hope

24 ROUNDTABLE

Conversation About Singleness

27 MAKING IT PERSONAL Practical application SINGLE. SATISFIED. SENT

President: Byron Paulus Senior Editor: Del Fehsenfeld III Managing Editor: Daniel W. Jarvis Assistant Editor: Kim Adams Creative Director: Aaron Paulus Art Director: Liza Hartman Designers: Emily Stark, Steve Cabe, Liza Hartman Illustration: Allison Richcreek Photography: Unsplash.com Volume 49, Issue 1 Copyright © 2018 by Life Action Ministries. All rights reserved.

LOVED

Revive magazine is published as God provides, and made available at no cost to those who express a genuine burden for revival. It is financially supported by the gifts of God’s people. Its mission is to ignite movements of revival and authentic Christianity. Life Action does not necessarily endorse the entire philosophy and ministry of all its contributing writers. We do not accept unsolicited manuscripts or pay our authors for content. We grant permission for any original article (not a reprint) to be photocopied for use in a local church or group setting, provided copies are unchanged, are distributed free of charge, and indicate Life Action Ministries as the source. Revive magazines are also available online.

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FAMILY PLUS

28 SEVEN COMMITMENTS I MADE

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. Scripture on p. 5 taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture on pp. 15-17, 29-31 taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

That’s what revival is all about, isn’t it? One more person saying yes to the life Jesus died to provide?

’m excited to introduce our Revive readers to the new President of our Life Action Division, John Avant. While I remain in my role as Executive Director for our overall ministry family, you’ll be hearing more and more from John as you interface with Life Action, particularly in our outreaches to churches and pastors. So before we jump into this issue of Revive, I thought I’d let John introduce himself and share a little of his heart for revival: My connection with Life Action dates back to 1995, when I was pastoring an amazing church in Brownwood, Texas. Our church had experienced a gracious outpouring of revival that spilled over to several other churches and into the community. (I tell the story of that revival movement in a book I wrote with Alvin Reid, Revival Revived.) Our church family and our lives personally were then greatly impacted by the ministry of a Life Action team in our church. Over the years, as I continued in pastoral ministry, God kept the embers of revival burning in my heart. I long to see the people of God living with holy passion, seeking God’s glory, and being salt and light in a world that is quickly moving toward functional—if not outright—atheism. We need revival. We need Jesus! The revival in Brownwood occurred twenty-three years ago, and it bears fruit to this day. There is no expiration date on any work of God. While the intensity may ebb and flow, real revival tarries. The transformation of

lives, the sanctifying of God’s people, goes on. The changes God brings about in genuine revival are lasting and real. I, for one, can never be the same again. What God began in my heart in 1995 has marked me, and it always will. With that as a backdrop, my wife, Donna, and I have been thrilled to start engaging with the Life Action family—getting to know the staff, dreaming about the future, learning about the amazing platform God has given this ministry. We are excited that so many here at Life Action have responded to God’s call with an enthusiastic YES to Him. As we join them, we intend to help forward that call far and wide, perhaps even in your church. That’s what revival is all about, isn’t it? One more person saying yes to the life Jesus died to provide? One more church humbling itself under the mighty hand of God, then seeing the supernatural power of God at work? One more person putting his or her life into action for the kingdom? We’re so excited to be here, and we’re praying with great expectation about all that God will do in the years ahead. You can see why we’re so glad John and Donna have joined our ministry family. In future issues of Revive, you’ll hear more from both of them!

OUR SINGLE FOCUS Our editorial team started planning this issue of Revive quite some time ago, even before our previous

issue on marriage (“Becoming One”) was released in late 2017. They sensed, as do I, that although marriage rightly deserves focus in our churches, singles are often neglected, or even pigeonholed in various ways. Yet we know from Scripture that God uses singles in amazing ways—including Jesus and the apostle Paul! That’s why we decided

to dedicate an entire issue to exploring a biblical view of singleness in the church. What if singles are an important factor in the church fulfilling its global mission? What if singles are key to the revival we are praying for in this generation? And what if, rather than a “waiting period,” singlehood is seen as an opportunity—both to grow in intimacy with the Lord and to boldly strike out on mission for His glory?

I long to see the people of God living with holy passion.

Byron Paulus Executive Director

S P I R I T O F R E V I VA L

YES to God’s Call

DISCOVER EVENTS DESIGNED TO HELP YOUR CHURCH

SAY “YES” TO GOD

Through innovative media, high-energy worship, Biblecentered preaching, intense prayer, and fun elements, we engage every member of your church family, inviting them to say YES to God in every category of life. 4 lifeaction.org/

To learn about our multi-day renewal events, and how you can host one in your church, visit

LifeAction.org/events

We are familiar with the “I Do” at a marriage ceremony, but are there other “I Do’s” that we should be equally attending to?

e’s discerning religious life.” I had no idea what that had to do with their dating relationship, but I nodded my head politely and smiled at the young couple I had come to know and love. As we continued to talk, I learned that in addition to typical pre-marital considerations such as compatibility and timing, they were seriously asking Jesus if He was calling either of them to celibacy. I was stunned. Here were two young people who loved each other deeply. Their relationship was marked by genuine connection and purity. Yet their love and commitment to God held a deeper grasp on their hearts than their attraction to each other. They longed to know whether their call to Christ was to be best lived out through marriage or singleness. In the ensuing years, I have had many similar conversations with students attending a Catholic university near my home. My guess is that this is in part because their tradition not only celebrates the sanctity of marriage, but also prizes the unique intimacy with Christ and opportunities for service afforded through vowed celibacy. These experiences (and a long history of single heroes of the faith) have raised a question in my own mind: Could it be that evangelicals have

emphasized marriage over singleness as the preferred pathway to personal and ministry fulfillment? The apostle Paul explicitly brings this subject to the forefront in 1 Corinthians 7. While clearly stating that both marriage and singleness are God-glorifying, his preference is clear:

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. . . . I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. . . . The person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better (1 Corinthians 7:32-35, 38). The logic of this passage is compelling. A life of fulfillment, of pleasing the Lord and serving Him, is not dependent on marriage. Soul-satisfying intimacy with Christ can be fully experienced by singles. And the mandate to complete the Great Commission is the priority of every Christian, regardless of marital status. Therefore, singleness stands as a full and rich way to live in deep communion with Jesus and build His kingdom. The Bible teaches us that not everyone will be married, and sociology reveals that there is a dramatic gender gap in the numbers of Christians in the world today. The fact that men are “failing to thrive,” in church and otherwise, is undoubtedly another issue the church must engage. But if the church is blind to this reality and celebrates marriage over singleness, we will only produce discouragement and pain. However, if we recapture a vibrant, biblical understanding that intimacy is richly available in Christ, we

can encourage an army of single Christians toward radical life with and service to God. The faith gender gap could be viewed less as a graveyard of unfulfilled longings, and more truthfully as a springboard for millions of singles giving their lives in undivided attention to rich relationship and work with Christ around the world. It’s time to elevate a biblical vision of singleness. Let’s recognize, honor, and celebrate the unique position and effectiveness of singles at every level of church and missionary endeavors. When it comes to a joy-filled life with Christ and the spread of the gospel, saying “I do” to singleness can be the best choice of all.

It’s time to elevate a biblical vision of singleness.

Del Fehsenfeld III Senior Editor

C O N V E R S AT I O N S

I Do

y r i a F e h T

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Tale Myth BY NATHAN COWLES

hy does it seem that singleness is one of the worst things that can happen to someone? I was unwittingly fed this narrative by movies I watched as a kid. Take for instance Cinderella—marriage was the goal, and being single was the curse to overcome. At the end of the story, when Cinderella did marry and all the birds and mice were celebrating, she ended up with incredible wealth, a devoted partner, and a literal castle. Or, consider Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, whose singleness ended with each of them falling into a death-like sleep! So, let’s be honest: Is singleness more than just a passthrough phase on the road to marriage? Is there a divine purpose for singleness that can actually make it enjoyable and fulfilling? As a single man myself, I have come to believe so, and I think Paul did too, as evidenced in 1 Corinthians 7. God offers us more to dream about than fairy tale weddings, and

I’ve found three concrete reasons why singleness can actually be a wonderful thing.

1. SINGLENESS IS A GIFT I wish that all of you were [single] as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that (1 Corinthians 7:7). Singleness doesn’t feel like a freshly unwrapped Christmas present to those of us living it day by day. So why would Paul, after talking extensively about marriage, offer his own opinion wishing that everyone was like himself . . . SINGLE? Honestly, I’d love to reach back in time and say politely to Paul, “Uh, thanks, but no thanks!” Instead, I did some soul-searching, to think practically about how my singleness might be a gift after all, and what Paul might have had in mind. Here’s what I’ve discovered so far: • The Gift of Time: As a single, the amount of flexibility in my schedule compared to that of someone who is married is unparalleled. I get the opportunity to

serve not only in Life Action, but because I don’t have a wife and children at home, I also get to serve in my local church in multiple, unique ways. What a great joy this has been, to pour myself out for the kingdom of God, all because I have the gift of time. As long as it lasts, I want to maximize it! • The Gift of Deeply Diverse Friendships: In my singleness, I have been able to develop a multitude of friendships that have benefited my spiritual walk. Because I don’t have family at home consuming most of my connection time, I am able to spend that time building deep relationships. God has blessed me with close friends of all different age groups and demographics. These godly friends have poured into my life and strengthened my relationship with Christ. I’m grateful for every one of them, and I know the picture would be quite different if I were a married man. • The Gift of Priorities: Married people are tied to the world in ways that singles just aren’t. Now, the things that married people are tied to—spouses and family— are in themselves precious gifts, of course. I would never minimize that. But, we as singles can much more easily prioritize based on eternal things, not nearly as weighed down by practical family considerations. Elisabeth Elliot said, “God never denies us our heart’s desire except to give us something better.” So, that’s what

I’ve been holding onto—that singleness, for this season, is the best thing God has for me. It’s a gift I should accept based on my faith in God and His love.

2. SINGLENESS PAINTS AN IMAGE OF CHRIST’S SUFFICIENCY A favorite grown-up movie of mine is Jurassic World, the one about a dinosaur theme park gone wrong. One of the more exciting moments is an epic pterodactyl attack. Deadly monsters are swooping down from the skies and attacking 7

a large crowd of screaming, scattering tourists. Right in the middle of it, the hero of the story is fighting back with a tranquilizer gun. And despite the utter chaos that is ensuing, all of a sudden we find the main character kissing a girl. What? When you’re about to be eaten by a pterodactyl? I found this quite baffling, because if I were in this situation, I would be running for dear life, not kissing someone! But, here again, the Hollywood-reinforced view of singleness comes into play—that the hero has done battle with dinosaurs, has faced down incredible odds, and now—well, now he gets the girl! For the story to feel complete, he must have a significant other at his side, right? This is what the world believes, I guess, and it has led so many people to pursue relationships just to be in one, rather than because they actually have found the right one. So it’s really swimming upstream to be a Christian single choosing contentment, believing that great things can be accomplished in life without that special someone along for the ride. And I think it can be an incredible witness to a world in which many people begrudgingly find themselves single—that in Christ, and because of Christ, it is possible to be single and satisfied. What a marvelous opportunity to point people to the all-sufficient Jesus!

3. SINGLENESS OPENS THE DOOR FOR RADICAL LIVING Paul writes in verse 32, “An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.” The original wording conveys a deep sense of passion and excitement. This is quite the opposite of the old narrative that “singleness is a waiting period.” It certainly is not! A single should be completely consumed with his relationship with Christ. This can motivate him to live a life that is sold out for the kingdom, taking radical steps of obedience to God. Some of the most influential Christians in history were single: C. S. Lewis, John Stott, many missionaries, and, of course, Jesus. These people accomplished what they did for the kingdom not in spite of their singleness, but because of it. Gladys Aylward (whose biography I wholeheartedly recommend) is another great example of a single life well lived. At a young age, she felt a call from God to go to China, and despite the many people who stood in her way saying she couldn’t do such a thing as a single woman, Gladys prevailed and eventually made her way to China at the age of 34. Once in China, Gladys wasted no time in working to end the horrible practice of foot binding, and she established an orphanage in the city of Yangcheng. Her service and genuine heart earned her great respect within the community. At one point she was even summoned during a prison riot. “Go in and stop them!” the warden exclaimed.

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“Why me?” she gasped. The warden challenged, “You tell us your God is allpowerful. Is He or is He not?” She marched into the prison and up to the largest inmate and demanded that he hand her (a 4’10” woman) the bloody meat cleaver he was wielding . . . and he did! During the Japanese invasion of China during World War II, Gladys led her one hundred orphans, on foot, to safety over the mountains. On the journey she suffered a gunshot wound and great sickness, yet still she prevailed in leading the children to safety. What a life! Here’s what many people don’t know: Along the way, she was actually proposed to by a man she admired. But Gladys declined to marry him because she wanted to stay focused on the mission she had from God. So, what’s stopping singles like me (and perhaps you) from living this sort of all-in missional life today, where Jesus is everything to us? Why don’t more of us take up the call to live radically for Christ, and take advantage of the gift of singleness, for as long as the Lord allows us to have it? Maybe we’re too enamored with Cinderella stories; maybe our focus has been off-center. So, let’s change that, my single friends. Let’s become an unstoppable force for Christ in this generation, not in spite of our single status, but because of it!

Nathan Cowles is a Project Director at Life Action Ministries. He spends his time getting his degree in Business Administration, serving in his local church, and golfing. His last seven years have been spent serving the Lord in various roles as a single Christian. During this time, he has developed an appreciation for all that can be accomplished and achieved through a deep relationship with Christ in this season of singleness.

How to Help (and not hurt)

Singles in Your Church by Paula Marsteller

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The singles in your here’s Pain in Your Pews Since writing a book on singleness, I hear from singles often. Here’s what one 39-year-old woman has to say:

I’m convinced there is something very wrong with me! I feel like a complete outcast in each and every church. The weird thing is, I don’t feel that way at work, which is a completely secular environment. Lately I’ve been crying all weekend and so grateful to be able to go to work on Monday morning, because I know I’m valued and wanted there, and I know I am contributing something as well.

church are hurting. Many (dare I say most?) of them have a strained relationship with the church.

This woman isn’t the only single who feels like an oddity in church. You might be tempted to think, Oh, toughen up! You think marriage is easy? But here’s why their hurt is our problem, too.

In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul addresses the whole church about the advantages and benefits of singleness. Singles, he says, are spared anxieties and troubles. (If you told a single that, they’d probably think, Ha! Paul obviously

A Shared Pain

didn’t have a clue. I have plenty of troubles, and plenty to be anxious about!)

If you’ve placed all your trust in Christ as your righteousness, you’re now a tiny but vital member of His family and of His body. There are millions upon millions of other members, and what impacts each of these people impacts you, because we’re one now. Paul tells us: God has put the body together . . . so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it (1 Corinthians 12:24-26). We have a responsibility to care for singles as we would our own families, because we’re not independent individuals anymore. We’re a part of something so much larger. Besides, in heaven there will be no individual marriage or families other than the family of God (Matthew 22:30). So how can we care for singles as we ought? It starts with how we think about singleness.

Not a Disease Many people view singleness as a disease to be healed. I’ve been guilty of this myself. God’s Word, however, has quite a different perspective.

I don’t think Paul intends to minimize everything a single has to juggle in life. His point is that they’re not distracted by needing to please the Lord and their spouse. They have the freedom to be singularly devoted to the Lord. Let’s be careful that we don’t adopt a “Woe is you because you’re single” mindset when God celebrates singleness. Let’s also be careful about how we “encourage” singles.

Lousy Encouragement I wonder, is your encouragement to singles actually encouraging them? Is it grounded in truth? Here are four examples straight from the lips of singles of hurtful “encouragement” they tend to receive from those in the church: • “God won’t bring you your spouse until you’re content in your singleness.” (Let’s think about this . . . when do we ever earn God’s gifts?) • “Oh, don’t worry, Honey, God has someone special out there for you!” (Does He? How do you know this? Scripture tells us that everyone will not get married, and that singleness is good. A lot of unintentional hurt is caused by assuming that everyone will marry one day.)

• “Marriage is how God makes us holy” and “I didn’t really know how much God loved me until I had children.” (This makes singles feel like they’re missing out not only on a family, but on sanctification! A better way to say this would be, “Marriage is one of the means God uses to help make us holy.”) • Another single requested, “Don’t remind us that marriage isn’t all happily ever after with the perfect prince/princess of our dreams. Single adults are intelligent people. We’re no longer the teenagers in the youth group. We’re not expecting Disney or Hollywood. Our dreams of marriage are normal and healthy, and being belittled because we still hope for marriage (the same way our now-married friends once did) is insulting.” After examining our thoughts and words, what about our actions? One of the greatest ways we can bless singles in the church is by our hospitality.

Invisible No More Here are a few ways you can show hospitality to the singles in your church: • Invite them to sit with you rather than sitting alone. When I was single, Sundays were the loneliest day of the week for me, as I sat surrounded by happy-looking married couples and families. • If you’re in church leadership, examine your upcoming events and make sure they’re geared to all people in general, not just toward married people or parents. • Celebrate the milestones of the singles in your small group, like their birthdays or moving into their own place. One single pointed out, “Our accomplishments are often ignored; we don’t get showers, registries, and parties. We are no one’s priority, and that often makes us invisible.“ • Ask a single at church if they have plans for the next holiday. If not, invite them to your home. A dear family did this for me one year when I wasn’t able to travel home for Christmas. They even bought me a present! And don’t forget Mother’s Day. One single mom noted, “Single moms won’t spend money on themselves (many

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Single people will sometimes be lonely. Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families.” Maybe for one single, it’s your family.

are at poverty level), and their children may be too young to know how to celebrate them.”

Come On In! Don’t stop there, though. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has said, “It’s in our homes, not standing in the aisle after church, that we have the greatest opportunity to really practice the ‘one anothers’ of Scripture.” One anothers like: Love

one another. Pray for one another. Admonish one another. Edify one another. Care for one another. Bear one another’s burdens. I was the recipient of remarkable hospitality as a single. The hospitality that most reflected God welcoming me into His family was when an older couple invited me to live in their home when I was in my late twenties. For the three years I stayed with them, I never felt like I needed to stay in my own room and not bother them. On the contrary, they treated me like I was their daughter! I’m not saying you have to open your spare bedroom to a single. Maybe you do something more like what Eleanor has encountered: The greatest blessing for me as a single person has been eating with a family from church every week, and helping put their young children to bed. Nothing extraordinary, just what they would be doing if I wasn’t there. Sometimes I barely talk to the parents while I’m there, because they’re so exhausted. I don’t always see them at their best. They don’t just have me over when it’s convenient. But they choose to truly let me into their lives and hearts, and that is a great blessing and a joy. Single people will sometimes be lonely. Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families.” Maybe for one single, it’s your family.

Let’s Put Feet to This Let’s not just write and read about how to help the singles in our church; let’s do something about it! But where should we start?

Identify the singles in your life. Not just those you’d like to hang out with, but those God has placed in close proximity to you. Think broadly: singles who have never been married, widows, divorcees, single moms, and those who for all practical purposes are single because their spouse is absent.

Pray for them.

Engage them.

Make this a priority, and try to pray for at least one single daily. (You might consider downloading an app like PrayerMate to help you remember.)

Pick at least one single on your list and come up with a plan to reach out to them. This is just a practical way to help you love your neighbor.

Ready, set, help! Not because singles need fixing, and not because you’re the savior of the singles—but because: • God welcomed you into His family when you had nothing to offer Him. • You are now family by blood—the blood of Christ. • When they hurt, you hurt. Ultimately, give yourself to them, with a genuine heart, and watch how greatly God will bless you through their friendship in the process.

Paula Marsteller and her husband love opening their door to singles in their home in New York. Paula is a new mom and the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom. On the side

she speaks to teens and women in churches and writes for Revive Our Hearts. Catch more of her writing at PaulaWrites.com.

Single. Satisfied. Sent.

Mission for the Not-Yet Married by Marshall Segal

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FOLLOWING JESUS IS NOT EASIER WHEN YOU JOIN YOURSELF TO ANOTHER SINNER IN A FALLEN WORLD

f you’re single, Satan is after you.

Okay, he’s after all of us, but there are some unique dangers in singleness—especially in unwanted singleness. He loves to deceive and discourage single people in the church and derail our devotion and ministry. But God intends to use you, your faith, your time, and your singleness in radical ways right now, as you are. You might come away from a reading of 1 Corinthians 7 with two categories in mind: those who will live, serve, and die single, and those who must marry. Paul sings singleness’s praises, listing the spiritual benefits of being spouse-free. The single life can be (relatively) free from relational anxieties (v. 32) and worldly distractions (v. 33), and wide open for worship, devotion, and ministry (v. 35). So, Paul concludes, skip the ceremony (literally), and enjoy “your undivided devotion to the Lord.” Most say, “More power to you, Paul . . . but I’m getting married.” Maybe temptation overwhelms you, and you need a God-honoring way to satisfy that longing (v. 2). Maybe it’s abundantly clear that you need a helper to carry out God’s call on your life (or it’s abundantly clear to others that you do). Maybe you want to have children and realize that you need help with that. Maybe you just have a deep, undeniable desire for a loving, committed companion. In each case, it is good for you to get married. While it may seem like two categories at first, we soon discover in application that there are three: the single, the married, and the not-yet-married. After all, as any single person knows, a desire for marriage does not a marriage make. My hope in reflecting on Paul’s words is to restore hope and ambition in the hearts of the not-yet-married and set them solidly on mission in their singleness.

All Dressed Up and Everywhere to Go Perhaps the greatest temptation in singleness is to assume that marriage will meet our needs, solve our weaknesses, organize our lives, and unleash our gifts. Far from marriage being the solution, Paul seems to say, “Marry if you must, but be warned, following Jesus is not easier when you join yourself to another sinner in a fallen world.” While marriage may bring joy, help, and relief in certain areas, it immediately multiplies your distractions, because you’re intimately responsible for this other person, for his or her needs, dreams, and growth. It’s a high calling and a good calling, but a demanding one that will keep you from all kinds of other good things. Therefore, for the not-yet-married, our (temporary) singleness is a gift. It really is. If God leads you to marriage, you may never again know a time like the one you’re in right now. A season of singleness is not merely the minor leagues of marriage. It has the potential to be a unique period of undivided devotion to Christ and undistracted ministry to others. With the Spirit in you and the calendar clear, God has given you the means to make a lasting difference for His kingdom. You’re all dressed up, having “every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 1:3), with literally everywhere to go. With God’s help and leading, you have the freedom to invest yourself, your time, your resources, your youth, and your flexibility in relationships, ministries, and causes that can bear unbelievable fruit. So, here are seven suggestions for making the most of your not-yet-married life.

AVOID TRADING MARITAL DISTRACTIONS FOR OTHER DISTRACTIONS.

Paul may have been right about our freedom from spousal concerns, but in an iPhone, iPad, iPod, whatever iWant world, single people never have trouble finding their share of diversions. In fact, if you’re like me, you crave diversion and tend to default there, whether it’s the latest TV shows, working out, fancy eating, endless blogging and blog reading, surveying social media, or conquering the latest game. We might call it resting, but too often it looks, smells, and sounds a lot like we’re wasting our singleness. “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:3). Everything just mentioned can be done for God’s glory, and it all can be a dangerous distraction from it. If you deny the latter, you may need to put down the smartphone, controller, or treadmill. Look for ways Satan might be undermining your mission with short and simple pleasures. You may not need to eliminate them, but limit them, and look for ways to welcome others into your life through them. Be creative and make disciples over college basketball, cooking, or online video games, rather than going AWOL from God’s mission because of them.

SAY YES TO THE SPONTANEOUS.

It’s just a fact, marriage murders spontaneity—not entirely, but massively. If you haven’t learned this yet, I doubt any of your spontaneous friends are married. One of your greatest spiritual gifts as a single person is your yes. Yes to a random phone conversation. Yes to coffee. Yes to help with the move. Yes to stepping in when someone is sick. Yes to a late-night movie or the special event downtown. You have the unbelievable freedom to say yes when married people can’t even ask the question. When the spouse doesn’t exist, you can’t hurt them with your selfless, impulsive decisions. Be willing to say, “Yes!” and bless others, even when you don’t always feel like it.

PRACTICE SELFLESSNESS WHILE YOU’RE STILL ALONE.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4). This will only get harder in marriage, so practice now. Think of a couple of people or families for whom you could lay down your single life. No one is expecting you to care and provide for others right now—no one, that is, except God. So, be mindful of the needs of others, especially those in the church, and consider contributing. It could be money or food or just time and energy. Maybe especially time and energy. Regardless of your paycheck, you have been given much. Spend it wisely and liberally on the needs of others. Financially, you’re supporting just one person. Sure, save modestly for days when you’ll need more, but while you wait, look for ways to provide for others. While you’re not buying groceries for five, dinner for two, and endless diapers, budget to bless, and develop attitudes and habits of sacrifice for others. It will serve your future spouse immensely and make Jesus shine beautifully to those around you in the meantime.

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DO RADICAL, TIME-CONSUMING THINGS FOR GOD. Just as you are free to say yes to more spontaneous things, you’re also able to say yes to things that require more of you than a married person can afford. Dream bigger, more costly dreams. Start a daily prayer

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BE RADICAL

meeting or some regular outreach. Commit to multiple discipleship relationships. Organize a new Christ-centered community service project. Do all of the above. You’d be surprised, with God’s Spirit in you and a resolve to spend your singleness well, how much you and your single friends are truly capable of, especially when you dream and work together. Be radical, but not reckless. The idea is not to spread yourself dangerously thin, so make decisions prayerfully and in community with people who love you and can tell you no. My perception, however, is that most not-yet-married believers can afford to give or do more than they are.

BUT NOT RECKLESS

SPEND TIME WITH MARRIED PEOPLE.

The longer you’re not-yet-married, the more time you have to learn about marriage from other people’s successes and failures. While you can’t avoid your own set of marital missteps and sins, you certainly can increase the odds of successes, small and large, by being a good student beforehand. Look for opportunities to be a regular part of a married person’s life and family. If you’re not around enough to see any ugliness or messiness, perhaps you’re not around enough. Don’t impose on people, but don’t be afraid to initiate the conversation, either. It could be as simple as having lunch with them after church on Sundays. Make it easy for them to say yes by being a willing and eager servant. Offer to babysit on date night or help with yard work or bring a meal when one of the family goes down sick. Then, be a student. Watch carefully. Ask questions. Take notes on what to imitate. In all your observations, be humble and gracious. (If you could see your future marriage, this would be less of an issue.) As our minds and hearts are being shaped by Scripture for marriage, we need examples of flawed but faithful marriages. These kinds of ongoing relationships make the principles and lessons real and repeatable.

SPEND TIME WITH NOT-YET-MARRIED PEOPLE.

While married people provide an important perspective and example, you need people in your life who are experiencing the same feelings, longings, and temptations you are. You should find and invest in people who are asking the same questions as you and also seeking to make the most of this unique season of singleness for Jesus’ sake. Think about it: Though he was not married, Paul did most of his ministry with someone. Find the trusted, gifted, and mission-minded friends in your life, and be accountable to each other to make your not-yet-married life matter for the kingdom. Following Christ was never meant to be done alone, even when you’re single.

WHILE YOU WAIT, HOPE IN JESUS MORE THAN MARRIAGE.

Make it true first. Spend lots of time satisfying your soul in all that God has become for you in Jesus. Then be bold to say it when all anyone wants to talk about is your love life. “So, any women in your life these days?” “Are the two of you an item?” “She’s a really great girl. What do you think about her?” “Would you be willing to go on a date with my wife’s cousin’s roommate’s brother?” Married people have lines, too. Use the awkward small talk as an opportunity to point them to the Groom who purchased your eternal happiness, whether in life or in death, in sickness or in health . . . whether in matrimony or “on the market.” So, when you feel lonely or discouraged in your singleness, remember that if you’re saved, you’re sent. Instead of waiting until your wedding day to get about the work, make the most of this not-yet-married life.

Marshall Segal (@marshallsegal) is a writer and managing editor at DesiringGod. org. He’s the author of Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating (2017). This article slightly adapted from DesiringGod.org. Used by permission. 17 17

HARD QUESTIONS

WHAT WAS GOING ON IN 1 CORINTHIANS 7, WHERE PAUL RECOMMENDED SINGLENESS? Dr. Richard Fisher DEEPER STUDY OF THE SCRIPTURES

rawing from the teaching of Jesus and the Old Testament, Paul was showing the Corinthian church how to apply Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s commands (1 Corinthians 7:1, 6-7, 10-12, 25, 40) as they faced trials and challenges in life, particularly regarding relationships. I invite you to take out your Bible and walk with me through four key aspects of the passage. CALLING (7:7, 16, 23, 31, 35) Paul begins his teaching on singleness by discussing the struggles that exist in marriage to maintain a workable relationship. He closes his counsel with a challenge to embrace

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singleness (of life and purpose) just as he does, to best serve God in the present circumstances. Paul makes it clear that neither marriage nor singleness should become our focus. Either may be the present situation that, as a man or woman of God, you find yourself in; and either way, you have a calling to fulfill. As with Jesus (Matthew 19:11-12), Paul in his teaching does not use singleness to show disrespect to marriage; after all, the gift of marriage was given by God as well. But hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what Paul

does—he reawakens the identity of the single person as God’s son or daughter, and reestablishes their worth and contributions to the furtherance of the gospel in times of crisis and need. Throughout Paul’s discussion, the calling of God is the focus that guides our singleness . . . and our marriage . . . and our vocation . . . everything. Paul calls us to see every station of our life as a unique opportunity to minister for God. He summarizes this challenge at the end of chapter 10: “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” (v. 31). Paul is not glorying in singleness so that one can spend his life on self-centered endeavors, nor is he glorying in marriage so that one can fulfill his or her passions. Herein lies the challenge— that each of us would use our current situation as an opportunity to further the kingdom of God, to advance in our calling as a believer. CONTENTMENT (7:17-24)

instigation of Chrestus, he [Emperor Claudius] expelled them from Rome” (The Lives of Twelve Caesars, #25, 121 A.D.). This action would certainty have caused a ripple throughout the Christian community also, since Christianity was seen as a sect of Judaism by the Roman government. Comparing Daniel with the words of Jesus (Matthew 24:19-34), Paul saw the beginning of persecution from Rome and reasoned that the time could be short (7:28 – troubles/tribulations; 29 – the time is short; 31 – this world is passing away). The church was facing a major crisis. And critical times call for critical measures. In other writings during non-crisis moments, we see more long-term encouragements being issued by Paul. For example, in 2 Timothy, Paul developed a long-term strategy for propagating the gospel (2:2). In both Titus and 1 Timothy, church leadership development was presented as a long-term project, where marriage and family training are important aspects. So, as we read 1 Corinthians 7, it’s important to note that there was a unique context into which some of the urgent statements were made (vv. 26-28). CONCERNS (7:32-38)

Paul identifies the personal struggles people face in both marriage and singleness. One counselor told me, “Marriage is like the flies on a screen door. Those on the outside want in, and those on the inside want out!” Whenever our focus is on personal feelings or self-centered expectations, discontentment can consume us. If we are not consecrated to God, we become careless about how we spend our life—and we could waste the opportunities afforded by singleness or marriage. This is why contentment is so important! (See Philippians 4:4-9.) Some of the keys to finding contentment noted:

• Being willing and wise in accepting a situation change in your life—such as marriage or even vocation—as a new assignment from God (7:21)

Paul’s call to drop everything and focus on completing the task—“undivided devotion”—must be seen in light of the crisis he was referring to. He was concerned for the church in that moment and wanted people to be as free as possible from the concerns of married life. He wanted as many Christians as possible to offer undivided devotion to the Lord during that time of crisis, fearing that the pursuit of relationships in the midst of heavy persecution would only complicate matters. It was a short-term, last-days strategy, to be sure; and as we know, that particular persecution did eventually pass. However, the early church went through several periods of persecution under the rule of Rome over the next few centuries, and Paul’s words guided many to handle the trials and continue to advance the kingdom even while crisis situations unfolded around them. The Spirit has used Paul’s counsel to first-century Corinth to help believers at many times throughout history, even up until the present day, in areas of the world where persecution abounds.

• Completely trusting God’s wisdom and love for redeeming us in Jesus (7:23)

IN SINGLENESS AND IN MARRIAGE, WE WILL SERVE THE LORD

• Accepting one’s situation as God’s calling and special assignment for this season in life (7:17)

God wants to walk with and work through you in your special assignment to share the gospel, and He wants you to leave behind the self-focused pursuits this world values so highly. CRISIS (7:25-31) It is important to see in this chapter that Paul’s advice and personal application came during a time of crisis. As Paul wrote to the Corinthians, Emperor Claudius had recently expelled all Jews from Rome. Suetonius writes, “Since the Jews constantly made disturbances at the

I have had the privilege of serving God in my singleness and in my married life. During both of those seasons, I found amazing opportunities to serve the Lord, for which I am grateful. My encouragement to you: Know the times, know your calling, and serve the Lord wisely, with all of your heart. Dr. Richard Fisher retired from Moody Bible Institute as a Professor of Biblical Studies. He presently serves on the pastoral staff of Grace Church near Akron, Ohio.

FAMILY PLUS BY AIDAN TILL Practicing hospitality, vulnerability, and submission to one anotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s needs could re-activate our homes and increase their reach in the world.

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ira was reinforcing a point from The Jesus Storybook Bible to her boyfriend, Milo, at my dinner table. Mira and Milo were nominal Muslims, raised in the capital of the Central Asian country where we served on a disciple-making team. Mira came to dinner often, sometimes bringing Milo; and each time, they overheard me discipling my four children at our table after dinner. As the head of my house and a good host, after reading the stories to my children, I’d carefully explain them to our guests in the local language, since it’s rude to talk past someone and not include them. Since Milo spoke better Russian than local, Mira would explain them a second time to him, sharing with him the beauty and goodness of Jesus (whom she hadn’t even met), without ever having to navigate the awkward social obligations that would have come with me preaching directly to them over the meal. It was kind of awesome. This sort of nearly effortless discipleship of a young Muslim couple was only possible because Julie, a single American woman in her thirties, lived with us in our home, as part of our household. Mira was Julie’s friend long before she was ours, and it was the freedom that came with Julie’s singleness, combined with the testimony of a redeemed family and a Godward head of the house, that provided a context for Mira and Milo to have repeated, rich, textured exposures to the gospel and its effects on multiple generations of people, all at my table. This goes way back. Jesus did this from Simon Peter’s house. Paul did it from Aquila and Priscilla’s house. In fact, Paul’s entire practical ecclesiology assumes that the church is built with oikoi (households). In Paul’s time, households included a head, his family, their extended family, employees, the family business, and the physical plant. Think FamilyPlus. For Paul, house churches aren’t miniature versions of bigchurch, just in a house. They’re a full house being transformed, activated, and networked to fill communities with Christ. In Colossians Paul unpacks a rich Christology, then teaches us to live Christ out, not in the artificial relationships of programmed Christianity, or even in the too-tight space provided by a nuclear family, but in the more complex relationships of a household. And in 1 Corinthians he says to order our lives, not like Stephanas, but like his household (16:15). “Okay, fine,” you might say. “Singles and families living together might make sense back then in Paul’s time, or ‘over there’ in a foreign culture. But it’s not practical here in the West.” I vigorously disagree. If it worked back then and it works “over there,” it probably works here and now. In fact, it may just offer an alternative story of singleness and of family life that could challenge false assumptions that have crippled the mission and the spiritual formation of the church in the West for generations. There are obvious benefits. Singles get lonely, maybe more often than married people. Humans are social

creatures, designed to live in multi-generational social groups. Because of the profoundly individualistic cultural narrative in the West, we assume lonely people need to get married. But sometimes, people aren’t lonely because they need a spouse. They’re lonely because they need a family. Some of us are called to be single, but we’re not called to be alone, or to exist in some weird limbo between the kids’ table and the grownups’. One can be single, be a contributing adult, and not be alone. Living together in a household requires vulnerability, laying down significant freedom, and purposefully making room. These three practices, it turns out, are deeply resonant with the texture of the gospel. When we open ourselves, embrace limits, and make room every day for each other’s gifts and weakness, we model the gospel in ways that let the world experience Christ at depths we can’t explain it to them. Further, those postures can uncouple us from pursuits that run deep in our blood and counter to Jesus’ dreams for our own hearts—pursuits like clinging to life, misunderstanding liberty, and worshiping happiness. Practically, living this way can unlock significant resources (time and money) for ministry. Having Julie in our home means that I don’t have to decide, after a long day teaching at the university, whether I’m going to go create relationships with seekers or spend time with my children. Julie can cast the line, and the family can land the fish. Sometimes, the single member(s) of a household can forego building their careers for a while to focus all their time and attention on making disciples, while the family with whom they live can play a strong supporting role, providing the context to teach people how to live in God’s family. Alternatively, everyone can work and minister, expanding the network of people the house can touch, diverting funds that would have gone to two or three house payments into worthy causes. Sure, not every family is cut out for this, and probably no family is at every stage of life. The same is true for singles. There are ways of being unhealthy in our souls that can be healed living this way, and other kinds of unhealth for which this lifestyle is the wrong prescription. But for most of us, practicing hospitality, vulnerability, and submission to another’s needs in this way could re-activate our homes, increasing their reach in the world and diversifying the paths by which the transforming love of Jesus can penetrate the deep places of our hearts. We can draw new maps for family and singleness if we’re willing to experiment a little. I’m convinced it will only take a few households with enough heart and moxie to strike out into waters too long forgotten, and to see how Jesus meets us there.

Aidan pastored in the States before serving in Central Asia for eight years, leading a partnership of workers in collective discernment and concerted obedience. In 2017 Aidan and his family moved to southern Europe, where they seek to help workers in challenging places weave together their inner and outer journeys, toward a beautiful obedience.

VIEWPOINT

A Formula for False Hope “If you aren’t married, get immersed in the type of work God wants you to do, the calling He has placed on your life. That’s the best way to find the best one— live your mission now, and see who ends up living it with you.”

Jill Henry SINGLENESS FROM THE MISSION FIELD

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ome friends posted the above quotation from the last issue of Revive on Facebook, along with an encouraging note that it was “great advice for singles.” I’d like to offer a different perspective. As a 40-year-old single woman, I’ve heard a lot of formulaic dating advice. “Stop looking, and God will bring you your mate,” or even, “God will bring you someone when you learn to be content with your singleness.” But these well-meaning words can plant false hopes in hearts, and even lead people to believe lies about God’s sovereignty and purposes. This is probably why, when I first read the quote above on a Facebook post, a wave of

emotions flooded my heart and mind. I felt hurt and frustrated. Single and living overseas for the sake of the gospel, I just couldn’t keep scrolling past this post without speaking up on behalf of singles, especially us “older singles” who long for marriage and children but are weary of counsel from well-meaning people that only leaves us empty in the end. Now, is there wisdom in the advice given? In context, sure! I think meeting your spouse through your calling

There’s no formula. and ministry work is a much better (and safer) option than going to the local gym or Starbucks to try to pick up a date. It even sounds better than trying your hand at online dating; which, by the way, I’ve tried and, while there are some good guys out there, I could write a book about all the crazy ones I met despite their great profiles. And I have friends who have met their spouses through their ministry callings and others through online dating. But marriage is not a promise from God. It’s a gift. The Bible is full of wonderful promises from God, but there is no promise or formula in Scripture that says: “Abide in Me + Live out your calling = Marriage.” If there were such a formula, then after nearly twenty years of ministry—of living my mission—and still being single, one would conclude that there’s something desperately wrong with my life and walk with the Lord! And that’s why I think the “formula” misses the gospel. Marriage is not to be our goal in life. Living out the Great Commission is. We cannot make marriage the goal or reason we do ministry in any context. As Tim Keller reminds us, “If anything becomes more fundamental than God to your happiness, meaning of life, and identity, then it is an idol.” Formulaic thinking about marriage or any good desire is a slippery slope toward idolatry. Do I want to be married? Absolutely! Marriage is a beautiful picture of God’s love for His bride, the church. I’ve dreamed about being married and being a mom since I was a little girl. Then I became a Christ-follower, and I realized that, as much as I desired to be married, there was more to life’s purpose than marriage and children. And there’s just as much beauty in singleness as it displays God’s love and grace in ways that marriage cannot. Married or single, we all have unmet desires for good things. I have married friends who are struggling with infertility, some who are waiting for their adult child to turn to the Lord, and a wife desperately wanting her husband to turn away from sin so their marriage can be restored. Every stage of life is full of good desires that require a season of waiting, even if it be twenty years or longer. When it comes to waiting for good desires to be fulfilled, our counsel should point more to Christ and knowing Him rather than a formula that may well lead to disappointment. We are called to know Him and to make Him known (Matthew 5:13-16; 28:18-20; Mark 16:15; Acts 1:7-8; 26:18), and we don’t have to wait for our circumstances to change to begin fulfilling that Great Commission.

Use the gifts you’ve been given, for the good of others and for the glory of God. pursuing ministry opportunities overseas, but they changed their mind because they were afraid they’d never meet a potential spouse. Or, they feared living alone in a foreign country. I am not innocent in this matter. Living in Southeast Asia is hard, sometimes scary, and often lonely. Before I came over here, I actually told God that I would only be willing to live overseas if He brought me a husband first, because fear and doubt so gripped my heart. Yet here I am, single and living overseas for nearly three years now. But I could not and cannot do it apart from faith in God and trusting in His promises. Promises like, “The Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6) or, “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). These are promises we can hold on to! When asked how to know God’s will, John Stott, the bachelor theologian, aptly mused, “Go wherever your gifts will be exploited the most.” No formula. Use the gifts you’ve been given, for the good of others and for the glory of God. Should God choose to give you other gifts, such as marriage, then see how that can be used for His glory too.

Jill Henry calls Michigan, Indianapolis, and Southeast Asia all home. She has spent most of the past twenty years in full-time ministry—on staff with Life Action Ministries, then with two local church ministries, and currently with an organization in Southeast Asia. Jill longs to make Christ known to those who have not heard the Good News. She loves a good cup of coffee, used book shops, and Michigan football.

While I cringe at dating advice that has left me ring-less, I cringe even more when I hear about singles wasting their lives by waiting for marriage. I know so many people who were

T A B L

D U N

LIZA Art Director

SANDY Executive Assistant

NATHAN

Project Director

MEREDITH Staff Services

If you are ever in Niles, Michigan, and need a great cup of coffee, we heartily recommend Top Heavy. @topheavy_coffee

LIZA HARTMAN, ART DIRECTOR FOR LIFE ACTION, HOSTS A CONVERSATION ON SINGLEHOOD, MISSION, AND THE ONLY THING THAT CAN REALLY BRING HEART-LEVEL SATISFACTION.

t can seem daunting and, frankly, utilitarian, to expect singles to be the ones risking our lives on the front lines simply because we haven’t found a spouse. Are we the expendables? Voiceless pawns in a cosmic chess game? Dedication to missional living is not a big enough vision to sustain satisfied, risk-taking singleness. The reason we are alive is to be in glad relationship with God, to get to know Him and His heart, to take delight in His love. Intimacy with Christ is the only thing that can hold up under the weight of unfulfilled longings. We were not created to be alone, no matter how single we are. Jesus offers true love and companionship. In fact, marriage is only a picture of this deeper reality, not the other way around. As singles, we have a unique privilege of glimpsing this all-sufficient reality, right in the tedious “everydayness” of our lives. That’s a vision big enough to risk your life for.

LIZA: Friends, how do you use your singleness to cultivate a close relationship with God?

MEREDITH: I’ve found incredible value in setting aside a couple of hours one day a week to get alone and cultivate 24

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closeness with God. I go sit in the park by the water or by myself in a coffee shop—somewhere I’m not distracted. I spend that time journaling or reading Psalms or just venting to the Lord about current circumstances. These concentrated hours are some of the sweetest times of quality connection and realignment. Mostly, I find I just have to make the choice to step out of the natural drift, turn off the TV, stop mindlessly scrolling, put away the novel . . . and make some space for Jesus. SANDY: There was a time in my life when I came to the stark realization that my relationship with God is the only one that is secure. Understanding this made me determine to invest in that relationship so I could know Him more and more. There is no other friend who knows me intimately. In reality, even marriage can’t satisfy that longing. I cultivate my relationship with Jesus by getting into His Word. It is there that I sit, listen, and learn about Him. Sometimes I write out Scripture; sometimes I am in a Bible study that involves digging into God’s Word and trying to understand His ways. I try to think of Him as a friend that I want to get to know. The more I approach the relationship by just wanting to be with Jesus, the more it becomes a privilege rather than a duty.

NATHAN: God has given us a spiritual family so that we’re not alone and so we can be constantly challenging each other to grow closer to Christ. I am in a small group at my local church, and I’ve also found that meeting weekly with someone and working through a book is incredibly helpful. God has surrounded us with fellow brothers and sisters to challenge us in our walks, and when we leap into Christian community with them, our spiritual growth can skyrocket. LIZA: God has made it abundantly clear that His plan and provision for us in any stage of life is to be in authentic relationships—with Himself, but also with other humans. Without marriage vows, it can be challenging to find friends who will press through the inevitable challenges of being known and loved unconditionally, but it’s important to pursue committed, consistent people in your life who really know, love, and challenge you. In looking for these relationships, I’ve noticed that we as singles tend to gravitate toward homogeneous community. Why should we and how can we intentionally put ourselves in multi-generational relationships?

NATHAN: I agree, Sandy. I recently read an article that showed a church website segmenting their adult congregation into men, women, and singles. Without meaning to, they defined singles not as people, but as a status. It’s refreshing when the church just treats us as adults and doesn’t strive so hard to put singles into their own little group. SANDY: Also, when a handyman checks in to see if there are any home/car projects I need help with or advice on, I am so thankful and wish it would happen more! Often it’s hard for me to ask for help, so when others come forward first, I feel loved, cared for, and protected.

Our purpose on

earth is to make Jesus known by learning to love, trust, and serve

SANDY: If I am always with single people, my view tends to become selfish. Single people often talk about themselves and their activities. My world can be pretty narrow at times, so spending time in multi-generational relationships affords me the opportunity to learn about others’ struggles, faithfulness, challenges, joys, and sorrows. Being with older people makes me feel young, and children remind me not to take life so seriously. We all have wins and losses in our past, and sharing those and learning from each other is important.

Him, whether

single or married.

NATHAN: Participating in a mixed small group is a valuable opportunity for singles and married couples to learn from each other, and the shared wisdom that comes from the different walks of life represented is helpful. LIZA: As we talk about the kind of community that runs deeper and lasts longer than our earthly families, we are so grateful for the provision of the local church. What is one thing your church has done that was really helpful to you as a single? SANDY: I appreciate it when pastors and leaders consider their audience and do their best to include and give application questions/examples appropriate for the different types of people in their audience, remembering that singles are actually unmarried men and women. I’m grateful when we aren’t lumped generically into “the singles group.”

LIZA: What is the most challenging thing about being single at church, both on Sunday mornings and throughout the week? SANDY: It’s challenging to come and go and sit by yourself. It’s challenging when people are segregated by marital status—as an “older” single person, it leaves me feeling like a misfit. NATHAN: It’s a bit discouraging that those chosen to be leaders in the church are usually married, leading us to conclude that singles don’t make good leaders. MEREDITH: Yes, and allowing singles to serve in places of leadership validates them as an individual and doesn’t feed the myth that they haven’t quite arrived. SANDY: I appreciate it when leaders ask singles to take on significant responsibilities, because it demonstrates to me a belief that godly singleness can be a tremendous asset to the body of Christ. In other words, godly singles can do more than just watch children.

MEREDITH: In Christian culture, there can be an underlying, pervasive idea that marriage is the goal. Therefore, the expectation is that when singles keep themselves pure and love Jesus and embrace contentment, then they will reach the goal of marriage and family. We are constantly fighting culture’s lies about a relationship completing us, and it’s hard to have to fight that in the church as well. SANDY: In processing this whole topic, I’ve always been helped when I remember that in heaven, there will be no marital status. Our purpose on earth is to make Jesus known by learning to love, trust, and serve Him. Church can be that dress rehearsal for heaven as we learn to be in community with different people in different ages and stages of life, including marital status. 25

L OV E D BY KATHARINE CALLAGHAN

It was nearly 10 p.m., and I was still looking at a more-orless blank screen, the black cursor flickering on the white page in front of me. It had been a long day of studying, and now I was attempting to begin the work of writing my “personal statement” for my family medicine residency application. As I struggled to find the words to describe my desire to build lasting relationships with my patients, I turned to my thesaurus and looked up “long-term,” hoping to be inspired.

Durable. In for the long haul. Stable. Indissoluble. Unceasing. Every word dripped with my unfulfilled longings. Yes, these were things I hoped to, by God’s grace, embody in my work, but these yearnings stretched far beyond those professional goals and into the deepest parts of my soul. As a single woman, a big part of my brain is wired to believe that a husband is the answer to these desires. This thinking is powerfully reinforced in certain seasons when it seems that every weekend is filled with the wedding of a friend from college. The gift of married friends who share their honest struggles has helped dispel the myth that marriage is an ultimate end where every emotional need will be met and all comforts enjoyed unceasingly. But my soul still longs for forever friendship. As someone who often feels that the transience of this life is the greatest thorn in my side, I can easily lose myself in the lie that finding a husband, someone who will be bound to me “till death do us part,” will finally salve these aches of my heart. And in some ways, I suppose it is appropriate that this is where my mind goes in the midst of my loneliness. I’m confident our Maker has made each of us for intimate, forever, covenantal love. However, God has been whispering over and over again that my longing for lasting intimacy will never be fully met in an earthly spouse. I am learning that, instead, the fulfillment of my desires for abiding, deep-rooted, everlasting, eternal love can only be found finally, purely in Jesus. The husband I’m really longing for . . . is Jesus. Part of why this is challenging for me is because I don’t really think I’m worthy of being Jesus’ bride. Nor do I believe that Jesus really wants me to be. Yes, Jesus died on a cross for my sin. But does He really want to sit next to me in the car when I leave the hospital crushed after making a fool of myself in front of my more experienced colleagues? Or does He want to lie down beside me and comfort me on the nights when I wonder if I will go to sleep alone forever? Does He really meet me in my most 26

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fragile moments? Does His love for the world really include a personal love for me? God has been teaching me that, yes, not only is this true, it’s the truest thing about me. Jesus in all His glory is madly in love with me—frail, fickle, anxious me. A few years ago, I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. All the bridesmaids entered the sanctuary and made their way down the aisle until only the bride remained in the foyer. As she entered, the groom caught sight of her, and his face totally changed. He bit his lip, his eyes welled up with tears, and every part of him just seemed to say, “I can’t believe I get to have her—this beautiful, brilliant, amazing woman. I can’t believe she’s mine!” In that moment, the Spirit of Christ whispered, “That’s the way I see you. Like that.” As Scripture records, “Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her” (Genesis 29:20). Tim Keller uses this story as an example of Christ’s love for you and me: The greatest act of self-control in history was Jesus Christ, knowing what was coming, having a chance to leave. Remember in the Garden of Gethsemane— everywhere was dark, the guards weren’t there yet, and the three disciples were sleeping? He stayed with it. Then they beat Him. And he stayed with it. He actually said, “I could call a bunch of angels,” but He stayed with it. Where did He get the most incredible self-control in the history of the world—the self-control that enabled Him to endure the cross? The answer, according to Hebrews 12, is that He endured the cross, He ran the race, for the joy that was set before Him. But He’s the Son of God. What in the world do you give the Man who has everything? What prize could have possibly motivated that kind of endurance? What didn’t He already have? There’s only one thing that Jesus Christ did not have before the cross that He had after the cross—us. The gospel says we are loved. The reason Jesus Christ endured the cross is because we, each one of us, were and are His Rachel.

Katharine Callaghan is a resident at Memorial Hospital in South Bend, Indiana.

MAKING IT PERSONAL

he purpose of human life is to engage in a personal love relationship with God (the Great Commandment), and the mission of life is to invite others into this relationship through discipleship with Jesus (the Great Commission). Whether we are single or married, our vision for a life well lived must be founded on God’s purpose and mission.

LIVING ON PURPOSE: TO LOVE GOD Has a relationship with God been my highest pursuit?  Yes  No

Circle any words, either positive or negative, that reflect the current condition of your relationship with God: Intimate

Joyful

Distant

Formal

Personal

Dynamic

Ritualistic Enthusiastic Strained Distracted Adventurous Boring Recovering Fulfilling

On a daily or weekly basis, what have been the top three ways I have cultivated my relationship with God? 1. _______________________________________ 2. ______________________________________ 3. ______________________________________

Which one of these listed items could I intentionally eliminate/reduce in my life this week? ________________________________________________

LIVING ON MISSION: TO SHARE CHRIST Have I been taking time to adequately evaluate, biblically and practically, God’s mission for my life?  Yes  No

Look up the following texts and write down the key phrase in each that relates to your mission within the Great Commission: Romans 12:1 ___________________________________ Matthew 22:39 __________________________________ 2 Corinthians 5:20 ______________________________ Luke 5:10 ______________________________________ Mark 16:15 _____________________________________ Romans 10:14-15 ________________________________ Jude 1:23 _______________________________________

Have I let human relationships, or the quest for relationships, sidetrack me from the central mission for which I was created?  Yes  No If yes, here are some things I want to do differently in the months ahead so I can stay focused: ________________________________________________

Take a moment to pray about the words you circled and the list you made. Recognizing that loving God is my “first and greatest commandment,” what is one thing He might want me to add to my list over the next month? _________________________________________ _________________________________________

Are there any habits, relationships, or behaviors that I know are distracting me from enjoying a rich relationship with God?

________________________________________________

Whether I am single or married, I recognize that I have a divine responsibility to prioritize the Great Commission. A few people I could learn from about how to better fulfill this responsibility would be: 1. _______________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________________ 3. _______________________________________________ I will plan to contact _____________________________ today to set up a time we can discuss the mission of life, and how I can maximize my current life for God’s kingdom priorities.

_________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________ _________________________________________

Go ahead, take the next step. 27

seven

Commitments I Made by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

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n God’s providence, I was single until the age of fifty-seven, when I married Robert Wolgemuth. I had fully expected to serve the Lord as a single woman for the rest of my life. During my twenties, I made seven commitments that proved to be a great source of grace and encouragement during that prolonged season of singleness. Looking back on those years, I certainly did not fulfill these commitments perfectly. However, in aspiring to these commitments and in relying on God’s grace for the power to fulfill them, I was able to experience a sweet measure of spiritual abundance, freedom, and fruitfulness. I share them here in the hope that the same will be true for you.

I am committed to serve Christ with all my time, abilities, and energy.

This is the emphasis of Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul addresses those God has gifted to be single. His words are challenging: I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to

please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord (vv. 32–35). In the margin of my Bible, I have written, “As a single woman, may I serve You, Jesus, with all of my body and spirit.” You see, no one who has been redeemed by Christ has the right to be footloose and fancy-free. Singleness, whether for a few years or a lifetime, is not a time to be without responsibility, but a time to serve Christ wholeheartedly, regardless of occupation. One of my former pastors challenged the members of his church to “go for broke with God.” I like that. Total abandon to the will and work of God ought to characterize the Christian who is single. Years ago, a Communist leader said, “We must train men and women who will devote to the Revolution not merely their spare evenings, but the whole of their lives.” The cause of Christ is far greater than any human revolution. The idea of an eight-hour workday with “the rest of the time for myself” ought to be foreign to the single Christian. Jesus wants nothing less than the whole of our lives.

I am committed to relinquish all my expectations of material and physical security.

All of us long for security, and God is often pleased to provide security far greater than our actual needs. But we must be willing to have the spirit of

Christ, who replied to a would-be follower, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head” (Matthew 8:20). I never want to become so secure—in a home, a job, a social group, or a geographic location—that I am not willing to move whenever and wherever God may direct. What a privilege it is to relinquish our claims on temporal security in order to follow Jesus and be eternally secure!

I am committed to develop personal discipline.

Christ is looking for disciples— those whose body, soul, and spirit are disciplined to forsake the world and follow Him. Physical discipline is necessary for effective spiritual service. Paul wrote to the Corinthians, “Every athlete exercises self-control in all things . . . . I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:25, 27). Lack of moral discipline is one of the greatest disqualifiers of those who run the Christian race. A commitment to absolute moral purity is essential to the single Christian. I have observed that those who discipline themselves in such physical matters as eating and exercise are less subject to giving in to moral temptation. We must also develop spiritual disciplines. Few Christians today are adequately disciplined in such things as prayer, Bible study, and Scripture memorization. Paul told Timothy to “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Timothy 4:7).

I am committed to relate to families.

Those singles whose lives are characterized by chronic loneliness probably have not discovered their place in the body of Christ. We are not alone. We are a part of and have a responsibility to the families in the body of Christ. Time spent with families has been one of the most valuable influences on my life. Wherever I live, I seek out families to love, serve, and worship with. Commitment to families is a safeguard against selfishness. It provides practical preparation for marriage and parenting. We get firsthand exposure to the blessings of following God’s plan for the family and the consequences of disregarding it. Nothing will rid us of impractical or idealistic notions of marriage and parenting faster than ongoing involvement in real homes. When singles are assimilated into families, everyone benefits. The single adult can have a strong spiritual influence on children that supplements the training their parents provide. Spiritually wise and mature couples can counsel and pray for the single. And singles can meet needs of parents, such as time alone without the children. I am privileged to have “adopted” children and parents in every part of the country where I have lived. In the process of giving myself to these families, I have experienced God’s great ability to meet my emotional and spiritual needs.

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I am committed to honor and care for my widowed mother.

God’s command to children to honor their parents has no expiration date. Whether or not we are married, as long as we have parents, God expects us to honor them. He has equipped them with wisdom and counsel, regardless of their spiritual condition. When single adults break ties with their parents to pursue absolute independence, they are deprived of great spiritual blessings and protection. The Bible gives instruction regarding children’s responsibility to care for widowed parents (1 Timothy 5:4). The story of Ruth is a poignant illustration of a single woman’s commitment to care for her widowed mother-in-law. Ruth put Naomi’s future and interests ahead of her own. God not only used Ruth’s obedience to restore joy and healing to Naomi’s life, He also gave Ruth a wonderful husband and blessed the world with Jesus, a descendant of that marriage.

I am committed to give extravagantly rather than live extravagantly.

I don’t want things to have a grip on my life. And I don’t want to own anything that I would not readily give to Jesus, or to one of His children in need.

I don’t want to own anything that I would not readialy give to Jesus, or to one of His children in need. Mary was a single woman who loved Jesus deeply. The greatest expression of her love came when she anointed the feet of Jesus with a pound of costly ointment. Those who observed were indignant at her lavish worship. It was fanatical! Such a waste, they thought. But what could be more wasteful and ungrateful than to lavish such costly gifts on ourselves? Giving is the greatest expression of genuine love. Learn to give lavishly. Learn to give every time God prompts your spirit with the need of another person. Our giving can never match

that of Jesus: “You know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9).

I am committed to pursue God’s will above all else.

If God has chosen me for a life of singleness, then I will delight in His goodness and His ability to meet all my needs. Read the words of the prophet Isaiah to eunuchs—a term that includes those who have voluntarily foregone marriage for the sake of the kingdom of God (Matthew 19:12): Thus says the Lord: “To the eunuchs who keep my

Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off” (Isaiah 56:4–5). The Psalmist extends both a promise and a warning to those who are lonely or lacking community: “God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land” (Psalm 68:6). If I find, as a single, that I am overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness, being cut off from “family relationships,” it is an indication that I am unwilling to let God be God in my life. For whatever period of time I am single, by God’s grace I will be totally His in body, soul, and spirit. I will claim no time, aspirations, or interests of my

own and will seek only to please Him. And as a single woman, I will pursue those same qualities that God values in a wife and mother—a gentle, quiet, serving, submissive, trusting spirit. If God’s plan for me is to become a wife and mother, then I will wait patiently, without fretting, until God reveals the husband of His choice. In the meantime, however, marriage cannot be my pursuit. I must pursue Him (Psalm 62:5).

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has touched the lives of millions of women through two daily nationally syndicated radio programs—Revive Our Hearts and Seeking Him. Her books have sold more than three million copies and are reaching the hearts of women around the world.

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