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HUNGRY? SLEEPY? YOUR SPRING GUIDE TO...

... REV-VVVVVVVVVVVVERYTHING! PAGE 13


2 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

Out On The Town

“Before my uncle died, he had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast...”

MM, Cake and Mortality Death Cafés serve death-talk straight up >> PETER WORDEN

H

When Theresa Hamilton was a kid, she and her best friend planned their funerals. They were such good friends, they figured they would die together. Now, the 31-year-old says of her own (revised) death plans: “I don’t want all the bells and whistles, just leave me on a mountain top.” ETERNAL THANKS! Dose Café provides the space, the local Hospice Society sponsors the food and Hamilton donates her time. Death Café takes place on the last Monday of every month at Dose.

DEATH BACK IN THE DAY “It’s only been about 60 to 100 years since grandma would lie out on the kitchen table,” says Hamilton, explaining the days when the funeral parlour was actually a person’s living room, and they were surrounded by fancy heirlooms. The body was laid there for three days. The parlour was opposite of the kitchen, so no one had to mourn on an empty belly. Death factored into all aspects of life. A building’s stairwell, for example, was determined by casket size. Hamilton says it’s something we don’t talk about openly anymore, probably because we’re not as regularly confronted with death in the same way. “We’re disconnected on a social level. We

word ‘thanatos,’ meaning death and dreaming, and historically, the duty of navigating death was the job of a death midwife. Hamilton says she prefers the term ‘death care practitioner’—not death midwife. “You think of a weird lady with weird jewellery, telling people to pay attention to death around them...”

DEATH CALLING

Hamilton plans to some day soon start her ow does one approach the own business in the field of hospice care, ofhard topic of death? Easy. fering services end-of-life planning. Start with cake... “I think it’s a vocation for me. I know I’m Death cafés are a thing now. The idea is simmeant to serve others and this is how I’m ple. It only has two requirements: You must supposed to do it.” She hopes having more serve tea and cake, and you must talk about death practitioners will highlight how much death. That’s it. No religious agenda. No “It’s only been about 60 years since grandma would lie out on the kitchen table...” mandatory bereavement or grief counseling. It's just once a month eat some choice we lack when it comes to end-of-lifeassociate death with just the medical side.” cake and chat about death. planing, and we will see a societal shift in “As a society, we lack the practical knowl- how we think about death. “Ideally, I don’t “The conversation is different every time,” says Theresa Hamilton, who this spring, host- edge of dying. It’s something the funeral in- want my job to exist in 30 years.” ed her fifth such café. It’s a chance for strang- dustry misses, too. Who’s going to walk your With Dose Café (and previously, Sangha ers to share cultural differences surrounding dog? Who has access to your emails? Your Bean owner Krista Manuel) bringing togethdeath and discuss taboo subjects, and so peo- passwords?” er different ages to talk about death, it all There are hundreds of prosaic day-to-day adds up, helping break down social barriers ple of different ages can learn from one another about a topic we all have in common—loss. tasks we may forget. Talking about death and educate people. openly is one way to ensure a smooth ex“It’s one of the reasons I love it so much.” “It’s more than a Death Café circle; it’s peoIt’s about discussing death openly and honestly it-plan and maybe pick up some tips along ple connecting to each other—and who isn’t without stigma. At their heart, death cafés nor- the way, like, for example, do you have a interested in that?”  book on the go?­—email malize a topic often considered morbid. After all, people meet at cafés all the time to it to yourself. DEATH-TALK FOR THE AGES discuss jobs, relationships, travel, the minutiae Finley, 4, and her mom Meghann Hutton have been talking a little bit about death since losing someone close of everyday life “­—so why exclude one of the DEATHXPERT? them. Some parents may feel like kids don’t belong at biggest things, which is death?” asks Hamilton. a funeral and avoid the topic of death altogether. It’s Today, 6,000-or-so death cafés are hosted something local funeral director Gary Sulz as well as death In university, Hamilton across 55 countries. practitioner Theresa Hamilton are generally opposed studied thanatology, the “It’s part of a global movement and Revelstoke to. “The family dynamic changes and that affects kids, “ is ready for it,” she says. “I’m humbled by peo- scientific study of death says Sulz. “Kids are a great distraction.” Hamilton agrees: ples’ participation. That’s what keeps me doing and the practices associ“Some parents will say grandma is sleeping and that’s it. But I believe kids belong in the conversation at their own it. Even if we touch on difficult topics, it leaves ated with it. The word is derived from the Greek level, in their language, at their pace.” a good feeling.”


Oldest & Wisest

READ THIS AND MORE STORIES LIKE IT IN THE BEST OF REVED BOOK.

Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 3

Revisiting John Augustyn

John Augustyn has a century of stories. Of death, he has seen his share.

soon decimating the Allied convoy. One sank John’s ship. The sound of explosions, massive waves, metal shearing and the screams of the soldiers flood back to John as he tells of his incredible rescue. As they sank, a nearby British destroyer came alongside and their crew threw a rope ladder By war and destiny, he has seen a great deal of the to his stricken ship. He watched in absolute horror as 12 of the world—from Poland to Russia, Iran, Iraq, Palestine Egypt, drivers drowned, failing to North Africa, Italy, England, Holland, France and Germany until resettlement to work on a sugar beet farm in Lethmake it off the ship. He and seven other drivers crawled to bridge, Alberta and finally moving to Revelstoke 60-odd safety. years ago. “You went through so many countries and John’s memory is razor sharp. always something different. The first thing was survive,” He tells with exact detail his he said. Many times he thought he wasn’t going to make experiences of World War II. it. If it wasn’t Germans, bullets or torpedoes, it was malar>> SARAH NEWTON He describes battles and nearohn Augustyn is known for his death experiences. A quick ia, scorpions or cobras such as in Uzbekistan where the beautiful and bountiful garden men used snakes as target-practice. check on Google for backon Third Street and Mackenzie ground information show his Avenue. would bring, the endless physical labour, the dates and numbers are bangBut the story of how he came to this neck of bitter cold, the wet, unsanitary conditions, the on. the woods, begins when he was grinding brutality and the death. taken prisoner by Russian troops His strong work ethic and ingeas they overtook his Polish border John has great guilt for surviving while so many others did not. nuity instilled by his farmer parpost in 1939. For more than two ents gave him the skills and outyears, from 1939 to 1941, he was look to survive. He chuckles when nearly worked to death in slave labour camps front lines. He drove over a mine that took the He talked of the beauty of Tehran. The heat of he thinks of the lack of these skills in today’s and endured a death march of almost 1,000 ki- life of his partner and almost killed him, too. Iraq. The historical sites in Palestine. His time population. lometres. You may see John tinkering around his home He would walk away from three attacks that in Egypt and parts of North Africa. One of His time labouring in Russian iron mines, destroyed his truck each time, marvelling at the the worst memories is of German tank attacks doing anything from repairs to gardening. John working farms and breaking rocks for an army miracle of his survival. when he was in Russia in July 1941. He thought Augustyn is a wonder to behold. His reflections airstrip reveals a side of him vastly different John fought for his life even with serious the shelling would never end. He was buried in on what makes him resilient are beautiful in from others. He didn’t die, commit suicide or personal injury and the death of hundreds of mud and bodies as the attack wore on for days. their simplicity. He awakes with the beauty of give up like so many did. each day, saying how thrilling it is for him to people he worked and lived alongside. He with- He never thought he would survive. John’s attitude during his time as a prisoner stood seven years of deprivation and horror. John has great guilt for surviving while so know he is truly free in Canada, and each day is shows his resilience. He recalls many prisoners To this day, he continues to have trouble fall- many others did not. But he is able to make one more day to live. who hung themselves or who simply went in- ing asleep because of memories of the battle of jokes and speaks with great love about his wife, He doesn’t make plans for the future. But he sane and were shot by their captors. John would [Monte Cassino] and the offensive against Ger- Emily and their two daughters. composts, saves seeds and leaves rows fallow in repeatedly tell his fellow prisoners they needed man forces in North Africa in November 1942. When pressed about what might have his garden.  to be strong because something would eventu- Visions of being trapped in a ditch with dead helped him develop this attitude of survival, ally change. piled on top of him and the smell of burning I thought he might say religion or family. I Things did get better. In 1942, Polish soldiers flesh still haunt him. got an entirely different answer. Growing up were granted amnesty by Russia if they joined Another horrific experience was when he poor helped him survive. He laughed when the Allies against Nazi Germany. At that point, was moving from Egypt to Italy in December he recalled what some of the upper class Poles John was sent on another long march in an 1942. The Allied convoy consisted of 36 ships, said to him during their imprisonment. They overcrowded and unsanitary cattle car to a Brit- including a cargo ship that held 20 trucks and wished they could have been poor like him so ish outpost in Uzbekistan. their drivers—John included. During a storm, they could deal better with the deprivation, He arrived close to death; starvation, malaria U-boats were sighted and their torpedoes were the lack of food, not knowing what tomorrow

J

and overwork all taking their toll. But, after months of hospitalization, he was able to join the Polish corps in the British Army. John obviously had more than just a positive attitude on his side. He has hardy genes, good luck, excellent skills and smarts. An outlook of survival and hope are something some of us have intrinsically. But where does it come from in John? One of his worst memories is from August 1942. He was transported across the Caspian Sea as a Russian prisoner. He was lying near death on the ship’s deck when several dead and unconscious prisoners beside him were being thrown overboard. John was overtaken by fear that he would be next. Once in the service of the British Army, he had more near-misses as a driver supplying the

HAPPY 99th BIRTHDAY—John turns 99 on May 12. Be sure to say hello if you see him.

LIFE’S SHORT!...

DEAD TIRED?


4 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

Memory Lane

IN OTHER NEWS: The person who created Auto-correct has died. RestAurant In Peace.

Bars WHERE YOU'D SERIOUSLY GET YOURSELF KILLED The Top 5 deadliest bars in Revy history. n

#ICYMI

THE KING EDYY HOTEL (A.K.A. HUG N’ SLUG) 

So named since you either went to hookup or fight, the ol’ “Hug n’ Slug” was the handle of beloved, now long gone King Edward Pub a.k.a. the “King Eddy,” a.k.a. King Eddy beer parlour. “You’d go in hugging, come out slugging,” chuckles modern-day Grizzly Pub owner Claudio Brunetti. He remembers being 16, waiting on the corner outside the bar for a bootlegger, when two guys spilled out the sidedoor to square up. One hit the other who went down hard, hitting his head on the curb. “I remember the sound it made like a coconut. The guy died.”

m JIMMY “THE BEARS” SALOON 

For this one, we have to go back to 1886, to one of Farwell’s most popular hangouts: the poker table at Jimmy’s. Most guys who went to Jimmy’s were Easterners, but a few were Westerners with different clothes, speech and, “a fearless freedom the Easterners did not possess,” as reminisced by Edward Picard.

l THE CLIMAX 

Going back 100-or-so years brings us to the hotel skuzzily and appropriately named the Climax, which “was as bad as it sounds” says historian Cathy English.

k THE REVELSTOKE MOTOR INN (A.K.A. RMI) 

The Hug n’ Slug was bad, but it wasn’t the most dangerous bar in Revelstoke history; it wasn’t even the most dangerous bar in town at that time. The honour goes to the RMI, the town’s last experiment in nude entertainment. The RMI was mostly a biker bar described as “a continuous bar fight” by Kathy Devlin, who worked as bartender for about six years at the a famously chaotic peelers bar. “I remember strippers whipping ashtrays at some of the guys,” she said.

j THE BIKER HOUSE (A.K.A. THE HOUSE)

First rule of the House: “Don’t talk about the House.” Be that as it may, the Biker House, formerly up on Hwy 23, has to be talked about when it comes down to a list of deadliest bars in Revelstoke history. In spite of it not technically being a bar at all and its stories kept strictly hush-hush, it was an open secret in town. “It was dangerous. Guys got slapped out. I’ve seen guns pulled and knives pulled,” said Claudio.

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Break the suicide silence this spring

Before I talk about suicide, I want to mention another life-ending s-word: silence Winter is full of silence. No birds chirping. No bees buzzing. No sounds of children playing or people riding their bicycles (except for a few fat-tire folks). But with spring, the silence gives way to sounds of rainfall and the world slowly coming back to life. When we stay silent about the other s-word—suicide—we are as silent as the cold winter. Talking about suicide can be difficult. But the consequences are worse than an uncomfortable silence. If you are having thoughts of suicide, or know someone who is, the first priority is to stay safe one day at a time; find ways to choose life over death even when it seems most difficult. If you are having thoughts of suicide: First, you are not alone. If you reach out and ask for support, you might be surprised how many others have been in your shoes at some point or another. If you can—before crisis hits and the frontal lobe is flooded so that rational thought is less available—make a safety plan. Think about who you trust to help you, distract you, make you laugh, bring over their dog to visit or just listen. Identify what it is you need, and seek out that type of support. Not everyone is good at everything, so find a team of people to support you. If you feel you cannot keep yourself safe, call 911 or go to the hospital. There are new training protocols in place to better support people with thoughts of suicide. If you are supporting someone with thoughts of suicide: Number One: Take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you want to be there for someone else, you have to make sure you are well enough and have looked after yourself in order to be there to support them. If you can, help them find other support. Be open and non-judgmental. One in four people will experience a mental health challenge in their lifetime. Rather than thinking, “How do I keep this person from having thoughts and acting on them?” Think: “How do I keep this person from choosing not to die today?” This spring, I hope we all wake up, stop being silent and start talking about suicide. — Stacie Byrne, Project Lead, CYMHSU

Learn more about suicide intervention training such as safeTALK or ASIST through the Canadian Mental Health Assoc. (250) 837 8477. If you are unable to stay safe, call 911, the crisis line 1-800-SUICIDE or 310-6789, or online from noon - 1 a.m. at youthinbc.com. (It’s for people under-25, but they will not turn anyone away.) More CYMHSU resources available at www.revelstokecymhsu.ca


From the Editor's Desk Early Grave

Find Reved Twitterin’/ Insta’ing @RevedQ Facebookin’ /RevedQuarterly

R.I.P. OLD MAN WINTER

Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 5

LETTER TO ÉL EDITOR

Buenos dias from sunny Nuevo Vallarta! A great read. — TREVOR WALLACH

F

inally, Spring! After a winter that just would not die... the mild weather is a welcome breather after being buried under a million feet of snow. Yes, the sun is chirping, the birds are shining and new life abounds. So, what better time to talk about DEATHHH!... In this issue, you’ll meet some remarkable Revelstokians with an intimate connection to death and dying (Life in a Small Town Funeral Home, p6 and Revisiting John Augustyn, p3). Writers Alex Cooper and Louise Stanway take you along dangerous, death-cheating outdoor adven-

Have a story idea?—pitch! online reved.net email editor@reved.net

STUPID MISTAKE

tures (pp 8-9). And, Reved asks for your must-do bucket list suggestions, which, as soon as you finish reading this silly paper, you simply must do. Life is short, precious, and a lot of fun. While winter may have tried to kill us all, we're still here. So, get out! And get the most out of life in Revelstoke this spring.  FOLLOW ON FACEBOOK & INSTAGRAM @REVEDQ

POOL PLAYERS PAST & PRESENT

Hey, Jen. Yea, Marisa Sessa? You see this?—stupid Reved got my name wrong. Hm, so it did. Maybe the editor will run a correction saying he regrets the error. Yea. It's not like it’s written in stone...

IF YOU ENJOY THIS PAPER, PLEASE KNOW THAT REVED QUARTERLY IS FREE THANKS TO ITS COMMUNITY ADVERTISERS. THE KINDEST COMPLIMENT YOU CAN PAY ME IS TO PAY THEM. MENTION THEIR AD AND THEY’LL TREAT YOU EXTRA-NICE j

REVED www.reved.net

VOLUME II ISSUE 10 Published by Reved Media © 2017 Reved Media est. 2005

Any reproduction or duplication without prior written consent of the publisher is fine, as long as you make it up to me with money and/or beer.

Address letters of adoration and sizable cheques to:

REVED

DELIVERED WITH 

Big thanks to Telus for joining Reved on a paper route for its #WhyILoveRevelstoke series. Watch it www. youtube.com/watch?v=f8Q1g54-YXc

THIS ISSUE'S LIVELY LINEUP

Louise Stanway is a writer from Guildford, UK, south of London, now writing and paddling in Revelstoke. “I’m not sure what happens to us when we die,” she says, “but life is magic, so let’s not underestimate death.” (p.9)

A photo of the pool table (l) from the long-gone Glacier House Resort appeared in the winter issue, prompting one reader to write: “I think the billiard table in the Revelstoke Senior’s Centre game room (r) may actually be the one from Glacier House. It looks the same, is very old, is in excellent condition, is worth a fortune and it would take a forklift to ever move it. Some of the local senior pool players use it weekly. Love your Reved Quarterly!” — GEORGE HOPKINS (Thanks, George!) Reved checked with Parks Canada to confirm your suspicion.“If that billiard table could tell stories... The Whyte Museum in Banff has the old hotel guest books so we could find prominent names — everyone from William Randolph Hearst, Emily Carr, Inazo Nitobe, Edward Whymper, William Van Horne, Sam Steele, etc. may have walked past that table, chalked up and played a game.” — ROB BUCHANAN

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Alex Cooper survived months of biking around South America. The closest call he had to dying was choking on a piece of steak and he had to self-Hiemlich “...the grizzled hunk of beef came flying out of my throat ... I was saved.” (p.8) Sarah Newton lives in Revelstoke with her husband, two kids and two cats. She almost drowned in Cote d’Ivoire 30 years ago, but was rescued by a Brit whose name she never got. But she vowed to become a lifeguard and kept that promise. (p.3) Stacie Byrne is the project lead with CYMHSU. She has loved every minute of her four years in Revelstoke. Well, almost every minute. Her first time ski-touring this winter... she was pretty sure she was gunna die. (p.4)

PO Box 57 Revelstoke, B.C. V0E 2S0 Tel: 867 222 4556 Fox:  Email: editor@reved.net MEDIA MOGUL: Peter Worden DELIVERED BY THE GREAT Bob Cameron HORRORSCOPES & GUY WHO DOES THEM FOR BEER: Mike “y’er the best” Murphy

CONTRIBUTORS & ADVERTISERS Reved wants you. If you have an idea, a story, a business, a product, a classified, catsified— anything!­—call or email me meow. GET REVED Do you want the joy of Reved Quarterly at home, your work or office? Who wouldn’t! Spring Special! Delivery with crocuses...$20. Reved Quarterly is published quarterly, obviously. It has been in proud existence for 11 ½ years and counting. Its publisher reserves all rights to have fun with this newspaper and its subsidiary miniature newspaper. Reved Quarterly and Reved ¼’ly are a printed by Reved Media, a division of Reved Global Inc., which is a subsidiary of, oh who am I kidding, my only office is the horseshoe at the Griz.

PARTNERS IN AWESOME #MOUNTAIN COLAB

SEND REVED 1/4’LY Old-fashioned snail mail is the best especially when it comes in the form of a miniature newspaper. It makes a great gift/souvenir/forgot so-and-so’s big such-and-such. Just fold, seal, stamp and plop in any mailbox.


6 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

Local Biz’

MASSAGING FOR LIFE Beth Purser reflects on surviving 10 years of business in Revelstoke and helping improve quality of life through massage.

SO, CAN MASSAGE SAVE LIVES? “Hell ya,” laughs local Beth Purser, who practices massage full-time out of the Best Western Plus Hotel. “Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that regular massage can certainly enhance the quality of your life, and as a result, you’ll live longer.” The benefits of massage range from mobility and circulatory improvement to the fact that people are more motivated to be active and sleep better. “Your quality of life can go down fast if you don’t take care of the physical body … Indirectly of course, there are the benefits of looking forward to a massage like a vacation. It’s a nice feeling when I hear: ‘I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all week’ That goes a long way for mental health.”

A DECADE LONG AND GOING STRONG Purser started out in town practicing massage with CMH. By Spring 2007, she added her own home business and worked at a few other venues to build a clientele.“When the [Best Western] hotel opened up I scored this fabulous spot.”

LIFELONG LEARNING She is continually developing new skills, specializing in reflexology, myofascial cupping (“a popular and progressive modality I often use,”) as well as TMJ (intra-oral work).“I enjoy the endless amount of learning that comes with this career. I never want massage to feel like factory work,” she says. Today, about half of her clients either come for reflexology or add it to their massage. It targets points in the foot that directly affect different parts of the body. It’s important, she says, to look for different modalities, especially in Revelstoke. “There are a lot of therapists in town and everyone’s busy.”

THE NEXT TEN YEARS To what does she owe her business longevity? “Patience and perseverance,” she says. “If you believe in your product and you are passionate about a service you provide, you can make it work. FIND BETH AT HER LOCATION IN THE BEST WESTERN HOTEL. She is a member of the Natural Health Practitioner’s of Canada (NHPC) and offers hiking and yoga.

@REVELSTOKERETREATS

what’s Mozart up to these days? — Decomposing.

LIFE IN A SMALL TOWN FUNERAL HOME

Gary and Chrissie Sulz have seen thousands of deaths.

F

or 28 years, Gary and Chrissie Sulz have operated Brandon Bowers Funeral Home. They have seen thousands of deaths. Gary was born and raised in Medicine Hat and got into funeral service in 1980 in Armstrong. Chrissie was born in Revelstoke. The two met when Chrissie’s father passed away in 1988. They got together in 1990. Since then, wherever a death occurs at home or in a hospital or even out on the Trans-Canada Highway, that’s where they’ll be found. RQ—The funeral business brought you two together. You’re unique that way. Chrissie—“It was a sad time but it has been good for us. I saw Gary and how hard he worked and how appreciative people were. Gary—“It’s not everyday that a husband and wife can work together to start with. But in our business we could be here at midnight, so it works well for us.”

“I’m a firm believer that we don’t die. From a physical perspective our bodies die but we definitely carry on.” RQ—How does it work being the only funeral home in town? Gary—“It’s not a 9 to 5 job. I’ve been on-call 24/7, 365 days a year for 38 years.” Things have to be dealt with...Not everyone can do the job. Not so much from the physical work— there’s some heavy lifting—there’s an emotional challenge. It’s a small town. Chrissie was born and raised here. She knows everyone. So the longer we’re in the business, the harder it gets. You’re not just dealing with community members, you’re dealing with family and friends.” RQ—How many deaths have you seen? Do you reach a limit? Gary—“You do reach a limit. One year we had six deaths in our personal family we had to deal with. Not only deal with but embalm and look after. There’s been some emotional times. Dealing with any young person is extremely emotional. There’s no grief like a parents’ grief. It takes its toll. Some days Chrissie and I will go home and we may just cry. We’re fortunate enough that we have each other to lean on.” RQ—The work of a funeral director may seem dark. Do you prefer that people not see the practical side of it? Gary—“The North American way has been out of sight out of mind. It used to be that we go to a care facility and they would make sure that

residents were in an area so they do not see us with the deceased. I would like to see that turned around where we honour that person and line everyone up to say goodbye. I think we need to not turn away from death but embrace it. Death is part of life. It’s always going to be there. The more we’re open to it, the better. RQ—Is there any way to cheat the act of grieving?

ditional burial and will be maintained in perpetuity, so there will always be a place. Some people go on top of Mount Begbie or some people go into the park. We’re seeing urns developed now that have seeds in them so that seed will come up to be an evergreen or a deciduous tree. We have lots of people who were in the outdoors so they take cremated remains up the mountain or seal them in rocks.

Gary—“Nope. You have to go through it. And if you do try to cheat it you’ll probably be the one needing counseling down the road. The relationship at home may fail. There may be dependency on drugs. It’s not an easy thing. You gotta face the pain. Sometimes it’s just minute-by-minute. It sounds trite to say that but it really is dealing with it in the moment. There is no set answer.”

RQ—What does the future of funeral directors look like? Do you have new people or is it—to use the expression—dying off?

RQ—Obviously there’s no boilerplate way to mourn, but tips?

RQ—Have you developed a spirituality working in death? What do you know about the metaphysical world that the rest of us don’t know?

Gary—“It is easier to cope with grief if people look after themselves. If they’re able to eat properly and stay hydrated. If we take care of our physical being it helps our emotional being. Chrissie and I go through it. Chrissie—“There are times we have to leave town to recharge emotionally and physically. We love the sun, so we find a beach.” RQ—You used to be next door to second-hand clothing store called Second Chance. How does humour figure into your work? Gary—“We also used to be next-door to a spa called Escape Within. Friends recommended opening up a coffeeshop with the name “Bean and Gone.” People sometimes get scared of death and that’s natural. It’s fear of the unknown. We all gotta go that way, so we use humour to cope. RQ—What recommendations would you give for someone considering their own mortality and where their remains should ...remain? Gary—“The cemetery is there for tra-

Gary—It’s limited the people who want to go into it because of the number of hours. It’s hard. We’re in a small town. And it’s a limited number of people who want to go into funeral service. It’s not easy.

Gary—“I’m a firm believer that we don’t die. From a physical perspective our bodies die but we definitely carry on. If there’s another realm or plane, I think we carry on and are present in the lives of our family and friends in a spiritual nature. Have I experienced unusual circumstances? Absolutely. I just go with it. I’ve never experienced a haunting or anything like that.” RQ—It seems you do a very hard job very well. Gary—“Every human being alive or deceased deserves respect. Every body that comes into our facility gets the same respect it would get if he or she was alive. We do that because that’s what we would expect. If you set the bar high then there is no negative experience. It’s all good.” 

Read the full interview online at REVED.NET

(INTERVIEW EDITED & CONDENSED.)


2

... Fold on dotted lines, once, twice, thrice ...

(PHOTO BY PETER WORDEN....I SEEM TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE THESE DAYS. )

 WHO DAT BUSTING THROUGH YOUR SPEAKERS? IT’S THE HARDEST TRIO IN LOCAL RADIO ... Stoke FM’s Monday Mayhem crew, feat. Lerritt Robinson, Matt Gawler and Chris Ford. You’ve probably heard them talking, rocking and knocking (as in ‘knocking back a few) on 92.5 FM over the years. No one rocks harder than these guys, but the slipper-wearing, dad-beer-drinking, candy-munching band of brothers from other mothers also have a softer side. As they say: “Stay hard, Revelstoke!” (But not as hard as finding 8 differences! x )

Spot The Diferences

Spot The Differences

DIFFERENCES KEEP SCORE.

READING THIS, YOU NEED A STAMP.

IF YOU ARE

Here are three residents with three near-death tales, which coincidentally all involve nearly drowning ...

Has someone saved your life?

Reved Quarterly ¼’ly SPRING 2018

SEND REVED 1/4’LY

2. AND HERE.

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...THIS MINI-PAPER DOUBLES AS A POSTCARD!

CHRIS FORD: “I swam across the Colorado River on Christmas Eve and couldn’t swim back. I had to be rescued by kayakers Paul O’Keefe and Jeff “Captain Stubs” Stewart. Two people tried before me and they turned around halfway. At that point, you have to commit, and I just kept swimming. I swam into an eddy that almost drowned me. When I got to the other side, I was freezing. It was all gnarly, jagged rocks, cacti and mesquite trees. I was getting stabbed. They realized if I tried to swim back, I would probably get taken downriver and it was canyon after that. They brought over a dry suit and dragged me back across the river. I ruined Christmas."

DINAH COLLETTE: “I think we called him “Stretch.” I lived in a lighthouse on the Island and, as I was leaving, I had to climb off the rocks onto the Coast Guard. Here I am, standing on rocks with my back to the ocean, talking away, and all of a sudden I see green water and feel a hand on the middle of my back pushing me back onto the rock. I would have been gone. He saved my life. I’ll never forget that."

DAVID LAFRENIERE: “My sister, Lisa. When I was a kid, I almost died in Williamson Lake. I ended up under the dock somehow and she pulled me out by my hair. I don’t think either of us realized how serious it was."

Eternal thanks from some lucky Revelstokians

TOTAL LIFESAVERS

8 MORE FUN STUFF AT REVED.NET

Gratitude News

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HOW-TO: READ REVED 1/4’ly WITHOUT HURTING YOURSELF: □ THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE. □ YOU’RE WELCOME FOR ME SAVING YOUR LIFE. □ I’M HAPPY YOU'RE ALIVE. □ I LIKE LIFE CEREAL. □ LET’S / □ LET'S NOT GO TO COLOMBIA □ OTHER: ___________________________

an advance copy of Reved; Matt has officially rocked his face off; Chris’s birds have flown away; case of “dad-beer” has been replaced by other dad-beer; tall boy on the table is now an extra-tall boy; the computer screen has changed; studio desk has an extra leg; Matt is missing his watch. (NOW SEND THIS DELIGHTFUL NEWSPAPER TO SOMEONE EQUALLY DELIGHTFUL. )

ANSWER KEY: The Monday Mayhem crew’s new show host is a T-Rex; Lerritt has scored 3. AN-N-D HERE.

1. FOLD HERE.

3

... Bam!—Reved 1/4’ly is a mini paper ready for the bathroom or anywhere.


8 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

International Death Travel

A wise dog once said: “Life is like a box of chocolates. It will kill you.”

WARNING! Deadly curves, CLIFFS and CARS ahead

Revelstoke biker-journalist el Coopé takes a ride on Colombia’s infamous Trampoline of Death >> ALEX COOPER, GRINGO CORRESPONDENT

I

didn’t stand a chance. One minute, I was watching the morning sun peek through the clouds, believing it would be a nice day. Next, it was a torrential downpour without warning. I barely had time to pull on my jacket. I got soaked in an instant to the point I didn’t even bother pulling on my rain pants in the jungle heat. I was hosteling outside of Mocoa in southwestern Colombia, just on the edge of the Amazon. I had my sights on an infamous road nicknamed el Trampolín de la Muerte: the Trampoline of Death. It’s the only road through the Andes in this part of the country, and it’s as rough and wild as any I’d seen in six weeks riding my bicycle through the remote countryside. It’s a rite of passage for cyclists on their way through South America— legendary for its scenery, challenges and sheer rawness. EL TRAMPOLÍN The Trampoline of Death zigzags 70 kilometers through the Andes, making Rogers Pass seem like a walk in the park. Since being built in 1930, it has seen its share of deaths from cars falling off. It is also known as Trampolín del Diablo (Devil’s Trampoline) and Adiós Mi Vida (Bye-Bye My Life).

JUST A NAME ... RIGHT? The road gets its nickname from the hundreds of drivers who’ve fallen off and failed to bounce up again. Shrines to these fallen travelers are a reminder of perils ahead. I had two choices to start the day. I could go north, back through Mocoa before joining el Trampolín. Or, I could take a quieter road south, then north. I chose the latter, to my regret. A monsoon started as I passed the last settlement. I pedaled for an hour-and-a-half until I reached the junction of two roads where I holed up at a small restaurant for breakfast número dos. A couple of hours later, I began the 1,500-metre climb from 700 to 2,200m above sea level—the first of two big climbs ahead. The road was paved until a just past the last village where it turned to dirt and climbed slowly. It was a work of art, coiling its way up the mountainside, switch-backing again and again as it gained elevation. At first it wasn’t too bad. The road was wide and not too steep. I settled into an easy gear and spun away, listening to the adventures of Harry Potter on e-book.

BIKING UNDER A BAD SIGN The first sign of trouble was a creek overflowing the road. I walked my bike across, tiptoeing along rocks. As I got up higher, the road grew more perilous. It got much narrower and the drop-offs a lot steeper. Signs warned of dangerous curves ahead, which seemed redundant considering the whole thing was curves. Guardrails protected sections but in

SEE MORE PHOTOS & READ MORE OF ALEX’S ADVENTURAS alexcooperexplores.com others was just yellow tape. I was worried about vehicles navigating the chicanes at higher speeds, so I kept an ear out for them and squeezed to the side. Most were respectful and gave me a wide berth, but some whizzed by with no room to spare.

Signs warned of dangerous curves ahead, which seemed redundant ... I slowly ticked off the kilometres, six or so an hour — a decent pace with a fully-loaded bike. As I neared the top, a cluster of cell phone towers emerged from the fog. I reached a military checkpoint. I was waved through and pulled into a restaurant for a typical Colombian meal of soup, chicken, rice, beans and potatoes. Just in time. The clouds opened up and unleashed another deluge. I wanted to continue but not in this weather and at this altitude. Workers at the restaurant said I could sleep in an unused building next to the restaurant, but unfortunately the best one was occupied by a litter of puppies. I was offered a floor in a storage shack. It seemed adequate. At least it was dry. Before leaving on the trip, my parents told me about the time they slept in a rat infested room after getting stuck at the border of Ecuador and Peru backpacking in 1972. Compared to that, I couldn’t complain. Next day, the weather improved but the road did not. The descent was interrupted by a series of short, punchy uphills. Rain turned the dirt road to mud and I slid my way down

the road as it wrapped around the mountains. I passed heavy equipment, a truck that crashed through the guardrail and old landslides, one of which took out about 100 metres of guardrail. Just one more climb from 2,000 to 2,700m, and I was done. I stopped to rest and wolfed down a chocolate bar and some Bocadillo — a jelly made from guava sugar that powers Colombia’s world-class road racers like Nairo Quinatana. I was introduced to it on my first day in Colombia and it was a staple ever since. That last climb took forever. Ten K’s and 700 vertical metres of pure suffering. I had done bigger, steeper climbs, but today I just didn’t have it. I wanted to lie down. I wanted it to end. I had been up and down so many mountains in Colombia. I just wanted to ride something flat, #$&@! I counted the final K’s: Five, four, three, two, one-and-a-half, one, 750 metres, 500 metres, 400, 300, 200, 100, 50… Meurto.

THE COLOMBIAN AFTERLIFE It felt like I died and went to heaven, reaching the top at long last. I was treated to a view of the sprawling Sibundoy Valley, 10 km of (comparatively) smooth dirt road below. I rocketed down as fast as I dared, pulling into a Revelstoke-sized village named San Francisco. I found a chicken joint off the main square and ate as a parade filed through town. The school band led the way followed by dancers, each in a different style, and I thought to myself: “That road was tough, but do I really deserve a parade?” 


Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 9

Words Of Wisdom

Fate and the Incomappleux Reflections on a deadly river >> LOUISE STANWAY

D

eath doesn’t discriminate —sometimes shit just happens. This is what I tell myself, anyway, as I contemplate the events late last summer deep in the Incomappleux Valley.

AN ORDINARY DAY It was early-afternoon when two friends and I hopped a ferry to Nakusp. We’d hoped to catch a lap on the rapids of the Incomappleux River before sunset. The Incomappleux is a major tributary of the Columbia River and joins at the Beaton Arm of Upper Arrow Lake. Glacier-blue water runs among old-growth cedar forest in this secret playground that grizzly bears call home. The journey from Revelstoke to this valley is a long one, but we were keen to paddle some fun, yet technical, Class III-IV whitewater.

“LINE!” I heard, as I reached out to grab a rope that was hopelessly too short. The rapids grew fiercer. They mercilessly swept me down the river toward the lip of a major drop.

SH*T GETS REAL My friend’s loud curse made me suddenly aware I had passed the safe take-out zone. Panicking and short of breath, I had a 50/50 shot if I didn’t make it out soon—shit was getting real. At this thought, a wave of strength came over me. I clung to a semi-submerged boulder, dragged my body up over its slippery surface and crawled to the riverbank. I was trembling on the ground, freezing and pumping with adrenaline. My friends—also exhausted—ran to my aid offering their body heat.

MYSTERY SAVIOUR The man walked towards us with his two dogs and a wide smile on his face. He introduced himself * and asked how the river was. He knew the river well, and quickly realizing we’d had trouble and wanting to help, he ran and grabbed a blanket from his truck to wrap around me. We searched for my gear and thankfully managed to recover my boat. My paddle, on the other hand, had been claimed by Arrow Lake. He offered to help hunt for it another day with daylight on our side.

GONE ... As it turns out, that was the last time I would see him. He was reported missing days later, and soon, his truck was found off the road, submerged in the

LET THE FUN BEGIN Our first hurdle was accessing the FSR leading to the put-in, which had been barricaded with cement blocks. We hiked for two kilometres with boats and gear in 30-something-degree heat, enduring attacks from bloodthirsty horseflies. Remaining optimistic, we were thankful that the gravel road allowed us to clearly scout the river below. We took note of the take-out eddy located above the Class V crux section of the canyon. We also noted that these normally friendly rapids looked pissed. There’s no water gauge for this river, so the planning stage is mostly educated guesswork. Unfazed, my friends encouraged me to put-in. As we manoeuvred through the first boulder garden of rapids, we soon realized this wasn’t the Class III we anticipated. My heart pounded as we powered through must-make lines out of fear of unknown consequences. Once regrouped, we panted through nervous smiles as we discussed sketchy moments.

RIVER: ROUND II The second section snuck up on us. Still The ‘crux’ section of the lower Incomappleux River at low water. (PHOTO LOUISE STANWAY) wobbly from the last, I immediately screwed up. I paddled into a retentive hole—a river feature that feels like being in a washing machine—that forced me to pull my spray-skirt It was getting and eject from my kayak. late and the The water temperature took my breath away. sun crept beAfter a long swim, my thermal layers became hind the cansoaked and ineffective. I helplessly watched my yon walls. We gear float away downstream. I swam as hard as I climbed up the could to the riverbank, where I scrambled up the steep riverbank rocky ledge of the canyon wall. to my vehicle, From the other side, my friends directed me and heard a to a calmer spot downstream where I could at- stranger shout tempt to swim across. I reluctantly entered the from the road: glacier water once more, already shaking, only “Hey, kayakto miss the safety rope thrown in my direction. ers!”

That was the last time I saw him. He was reported missing days later. river a short distance from where he had helped me out. As heart-sinking as this news was, I don’t believe there’s any moral that stems from this sequence of events. Here in Revelstoke, we put ourselves in harm’s way daily, whether intentionally or not, for sport and leisure. We toy with death. We beckon it closer. In the end, it takes whomever it pleases. There is no rulebook. My experience on the river taught me to always be prepared and manage risk. It also taught me that bad things happen to good people—as cliché as it sounds. It’s important to respect our surroundings; utilize nature’s gifts wisely, but don’t for one second think you’re invincible. 

*The name of the kind stranger has been intentionally withheld at the request of his family.


10 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

FACT: The Number ONe cause of deatH IS too many birthdays.

For the Bucket-List

10 Must-Do’s Before You Die...

Reved asked: What must every Revelstokian do before shucking this mortal coil? HERE COME THE WATER WORKS

WALKING DEAD

— Watching the dam spillway in action is a sight to behold. BC Hydro frequently releases water to maintain a minimum flow of 5,000 cubic feet per second. However, that usually correlates with low-electricity periods, (overnight, for example) and is done without any warning. This may explain why you've lived your entire life here and never seen the magnificent industrial waterfall. That said, very rarely, when lots of water is coming into the system, the dam uses its spillway over the course of a few days and notifies the public. Before 2012, the most recent spill was 1997. But hey, maybe this year!

— There are many incredible stories of pioneers buried in the local cemetery. Luckily for us, Revelstoke Museum & Archives curator Cathy English is here to bring them to life. (The stories, that is, not the people — she’s not a miracle worker.) English gives colourful, informative and occasionally bone-chilling Heritage Cemetery Tours unearthing our town’s rich history. Guided tours start at 3 p.m., cost $5 per person and take about an hour-and-a-half. You can either meet at the cemetery gates or call the museum for a ride. The next tours are June 14, 28, July 12, 26. (For groups of hardcore history buffs, she can arrange a private tour.)

GET AXED

— Life is simply too short not to throw sharp, heavy objects. Thankfully, Revelstoke now has a sweet new axe-throwing joint to huck axes until your axe-hucking heart’s content. Peak Axe Throwing (415B Victoria Road) is open and owner Dustin Roskam has personally given the building the makeover of a lifetime. It can host groups of four or more. It costs $25 per person per hour, which includes proper supervision and throwing tips … so you don’t accidentally kill yourself/anybody.

SIP OF DEATH — Throw back a

shot of “Don’t Fear The Reaper” at Monashee Spirits. It is just like Dawson City’s famous Sourtoe Cocktail, only, more “full-bodied.” (The distillery is next-door to the funeral home… ) Seriously, though, local barkeep and boozinator Josh “the “Undertabler” McLafferty makes a deadly drink.

PED TIL UR DEAD

— Get out for a night with the hard-bikin’, hard-boozin’ Thursday night Pedal n’ Pint crew … even if you’re out of shape and exercise will probably kill you. The physiological high you get afterward, along with perhaps the, ahem, actual high, can be very rewarding.


WOULD IT KILL YA TO WRITE A LETTER? EDITOR@REVED.NET

BECOME ONE WITH THE EARTH — Tear up some dirt… before becoming it. Go dirt biking at the Revy Riders Club. You can buy a yearly membership (at Rough Country, Infinite Power sports or Glacier House Resort), or purchase a day pass at the kiosk. Help keep the non-profit club alive, grooming and growing more trails.

Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 10 ½

RIVER OF LIFE

 

— Paddle up the Columbia under the bridges and around Big Eddy flats while the water is high. Then, go with flow as the river brings you back to your car.

RIVER OF DEATH — Float the Mighty Illecillewaet ... of DEATTTHHHHHH. It’s the thrill of a lifetime, whether you’re 9 or 99 and not nearly as deadly as you may think. Local rafting outfit Apex has been guiding on the river for 25 years with a top-notch safety record; the only significant injuries to speak of have been two little cuts.

POUR ONE OUT WITH YOUR HOMIES

— Beer. How could humans ever live without it? In fact, historically, without beer the Dark Ages would have been a whole lot darker. People of every age drank beer; nobody drank water. Water was contaminated. Boiling it for beer purified it into a delightfully drinkable liquid. What better way to honour the drink that saved the human race than by taking a tour of our local life-saving Mt. Begbie Brewery in its spanky newly opened digs.

SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS ...

OBITUARY MATERIAL Volunteer! Before it’s too late. Sure, it’s not a death-defying act to pitch in on a bottle drive or spend an evening trail-building. But it certainly helps keep the community spirit alive. Lots of events and organizations fully rely on volunteers to survive, so consider being a lifeline and lend a helping hand.

KISS THE SKY

-

— We’re all going to die some day, anyway. Why not launch yourself off a mountaintop today! Paraglide off Cartier. You can fling your own carcass to the wind if you don’t mind it being a one-time thing, or, better yet, opt to go tandem so you can sit and enjoy the heavenly view of Rogers Pass from high above Mount MacKenzie.

LEAVE A LASTING LEGACY Local techonaut Jean-Marc LaFlamme was sent to Revelstoke from the future where humankind has already achieved immortality. He says living forever totally succccks if we can’t solve very real, very large challenges such as housing, food, transportation, the economy and climate. While alive, be part of positive social, environmental and technological change.

MANY THANKS!—to everyone for submitting ideas and photos for this issue.


THE OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK OF REVED QUARTERLY.

Heavy Metal News

Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 11

Death on-air

The men of Monday Mayhem talk life, death metal & their wildest funeral fantasies “dad beer” — the three bat around their morbid funeral fantasies. “Yes,” says Robinson, having already considered it thoroughly, “I want a buffet

ing that the article suggested playing bridge or meeting

“I want a buffet around my casket.”

T

here simply can't be an issue about DEATHHH without a bit of death metal.

The hosts of Stoke FM's Monday Mayhem — Lerritt Robinson, Matt Gawler and Chris Ford — truly know death ... metal ... although, they mostly play punk, heavy metal, sludge metal, doom metal, stoner rock, black metal (an offshoot of death metal) and, really, just a sprinkling of pure death metal. As one of StokeFM's longest-running, most prolific shows they've treated local head-banging faithful to an assault of the airwaves every Monday night for two hours over the last five years. “We’re the only show with a bumper sticker,” states Lerritt. Lerritt and Chris like death metal but it’s not their favourite cup of heavy metal tea. Matt says: "As long as it has balls, you can play it on this show.”

DEATH WISHES Between giant gulps of Sleeman cream ale —

around my casket.” Ford has also given his funeral some thought: “Like Hunter S. Thompson, I want to be shot out of cannon. But not cremated. I would like my corpse to be shot out of it,” he says, and quickly clarifies ***frozen*** so that he doesn’t just plop out the end like sausage. “Greased and naked,” adds Matt, who, in fact, has a family lineage of funeral services. Gawler Funeral Services in the US buries all the American presidents. "They buried Reagan, they buried Jackie O when she died,” he explains, “—so when are they going to bury Trump?” jokes Chris. Matt inquired how much it would cost to carry out his funeral wish—just chuck his body in the woods. The answer was a million bucks. "It would cost that much in bribes because it’s completely illegal. If somebody finds the body, you’re f●●●●●. It’s a tricky proposition. But that’s how I’d like it—just rot in a tree."

FRIENDSHIP FUSED IN METAL The Revy trio are lifelong friends from Toronto. They met in high school and formed a metal band called the Lerritt Robinson Trio. They even played at Toronto’s El Mocambo, a legendary nightclub where the Rolling Stones' first live album was recorded. They won a battle of the bands and, all in the same night, got banned for life. But the health benefits of heavy metal are well documented — at least, the health benefits of hosting a heavy metal radio show with your closest buds. “I read that the surest way to extend your lifespan is to have a regular function where you hang out with old friends,” notes Matt, add-

friends at Starbucks on Wednesday. “This is our version of Starbucks

TOP LEFT: An artistic interpretation of Chris Ford's funeral; ABOVE: Monday Mayhem is fueled by candy and dad-beer; MIDDLE Lerritt pilots the Good Ship Debauchery; Monday Mayhem bumper stickers for sale ONLY! at the Big Eddy Pub.

SIMPLY TO DIE FOR AT THE SPRING FARMER’S MARKET:

HOISINGTON ORGANIC FARMS WHOLE CHICKENS $4.50/POUND

Farmer Craig Hosington makes a deadly chicken sausage. While Hosington sells turkey, garlic and other veggies, most notable are his whole, raw chickens, raised and grazed on a four-year rotation pasture of cover-crops — wheat, oat, clover, etc —supplemented with non-GM, non-medicated feeds, plus apple cider vinegar to boost their immune systems, all living out their happy, healthy chicken lives to the ripe old age of about two months.

COCORECO PROBIOTIC DEODORANT $22

Cocoreco owner Jamie Kraus really doesn’t want to dye ... which is why she sells all-natural probiotic deodorant. Her body products — shampoos and conditiooners — all come in bulk, refillable containers ($18/kg) She is also experimenting with hand-dyed, hand-made clothing using textiles rescued from the landfill, that have dyed and gone to clothes heaven.

VISTIGE POTTERY TRAVEL MUGS $75

People say ‘You can’t take it with you’ when you go,...’ but if you could, you’d take one of these perfectly hand-crafted travel mugs with a cork “to go” anywhere (minus the afterlife). They are made with potter Jacqueline Palmer’s signature ash glazes and hand-painted local pictures.

Pretty good little ad space here. Just saying.


12 Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018

FACT: Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But, smoking bacon cures it.

Some Edumacation

Did’ya Know ... ?

FROM THE ARCHIVES

THE STORY OF DEATH RAPIDS

>> With research & files courtesy of Cathy English at the Revelstoke Museum & Archives

K"

A. K. REE . A C L BA I N

b

AN

"C

R

oss Cox was a clerk for J.J. Astor’s American Fur Company which reached Astoria, Oregon in the spring of 1812. He was present when Astoria was surrendered to the North West Company in 1813. Anyway, he was in the fur trade, so he ended up in some hairy—pun—situations. He was in the Big Bend north of Mica dam (known as Boat Encampment). Seven men in his party were too weak to make the trip across Athabasca Pass and were ordered south. It was felt they could arrive safely at Kettle Falls in three days and were thus given three-days provisions. What could possibly go wrong ... The seven men made it to Upper Dalles (now, “Death Rapids”) where they disembarked, tied a line to the canoe’s stern and used poles to keep it from the rocks. But halfway down, the canoe caught a current and swirled around. The line snapped and the canoe was engulfed and smashed. All the provisions were in the canoe, and the men were now without a boat, food or tools. By Day Three, one of the men was dead and several others unconscious and not far off. As Cox described it, they were “determined to keep off the fatal moment as long as possible. They therefore divided his remains in equal parts between them, on which they subsisted for some days.” Finally, only two men, La Pierre and Dubois remained alive. LaPierre was found on Upper Arrow Lake by two First Nations men who took him to Kettle Falls. La Pierre said that he and Dubois were at Arrowhead when their food was exhausted. LaPierre grew suspicious of Dubois. One night, he feigned sleep and observed Dubois cautiously opening his clasp knife to try and cut his throat. La Pierre stated he managed to get the knife from Dubois, then in self-defence, cut his throat. A few days later, he was rescued by Sinixt men. Remains of other members of the party were found, with indications of murder. La Pierre was sent east to trial with one First Nations man going as a witness but the testimony was circumstantial and he was acquitted. There are now crosses erected at Boat Encampment and at Arrowhead. 

DEATH, IN OTHER WORDS: OBITUARIES OVER THE YEARS HAVE USED MANY EUPHEMISMS

Museum curator Cathy English’s personal favourite obituary is from the Revelstoke Review Feb 24, 1944: “Robert Tapping Answers Call.” She imagines a man answering the phone—hello?— and Death on the other end is, like—Hey, it’s Death. Such a distanced euphemism for death was perhaps needed during the war years. As death became more frequent, newspapers became creative at preserving the dignity of the dead. Or maybe it is just how they spoke back then. Like from March 1944: “Mrs. Anderson had plans to return to Vancouver when death terminated her preparations.” Or, on August 1925, Mrs Samuel Wright passed away. The paper noted clubs in which she was a member had “suffered a distinct loss by her sudden removal.”

Or Mrs. John Brill, who on June 18, 1915, “ided very suddenly,” then described her final hours: “The deceased lady while complaining of feeling unwell … arose as usual and dressed herself, and just as she finished dress-

ing, she reeled and fell down, death being almost instantaneous.” There are surprisingly detailed deaths, especially murders and suicide, which even by today’s lax standards would be TMI. September 16, 1938, the paper wrote of the 83-year-old Antonio Rabouchere: “Aged Man Had Evidently Committed Suicide in Fit of Despondency.”

One of the nastier deaths and obituaries concerns the murder of Jennie Kiobara (or Kiohara), a 24-year-old Japanese woman working as a prostitute on Front Street. She had been in Revelstoke about two years when, on April 19, 1905, she was found murdered in her house. The murderer was compared to Jack the Ripper, and as there was no such thing as a publication ban, the newspaper reported in detail: “The woman’s throat was cut in front and there was a frightful gash on the back of the neck so that the head was nearly severed from the body. The woman’s hands were cut and hacked where she had struggled to obtain possession of the knife or ward off the work of the assassin, whose butchery was of the fiendish description.” 


REVVVERYTHING!!!. . .

YOUR

GUIDE TO

EAT, DRINK & BE MERRY

YOUR GUIDE TO GOOD FOOD, A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP & FEELING GOOD.

Zzz...

Mmm...

IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR ....

Ahh... Ohm... Bzz ...

YOU SHOULD ALSO KNOW THAT ....

AMAZING BREAKFAST & LUNCH MADE FROM SCRATCH MAIN STREET CAFÉ—317 MacKenzie Ave ▪ 250 837 6888

They're closed Mondays.

THE BUSIEST COFFEE SHOP EVER

THE MODERN —212 MacKenzie Ave ▪ 250 837 6886

They're closed Sundays ...

STACKED BREAKFAST BAGEL SANDWICHES

LA BAGUETTE ESPRESSO BAR—607 Victoria Rd. & Garden Ave.

They’ve just finished renovations and it looks amazing in there.

THE BEST COFFEE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND

DOSE—Corner of Mackenzie & 2nd St.

Lauren & John make coffee art. Daily 7 am–5pm.

INDIAN/GERMAN/THAI FUSION

PARAMJIT’S KITCHEN—116 1st St W ▪ 250 837 2112

Everything Goldie makes is incredible. (See back cover.)

FINE DINING & SMOOOOOTH JAZZZZZ

112 BISTRO —Inside the Regent Hotel

The River City Pub next door has late-night music and entertainment.

A KILLER OPEN MIC

LAST DROP­­­—200 3 St W ▪ 250 837 2121

The Drop has a $5 menu plus a killer open mic (Wed).

CHEAP WINGS ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT

GRIZZLY PUB—314 1 St W ▪ 250 837 5576

The Griz has liquor store delivery, pool and Keno.

DEEP-FRIED CHEESE CURDS

CHUBBY FUNSTERS—114 MacKenzie Ave

There are also weird and wonderful cocktail concoctions..

A PANZO THAT COULD KILL A MAN

THE VILLAGE IDIOT—306 MacKenzie Ave ▪ 250 837 6240

They also have lotsa beer and make a mean Moscow Mule.

A SERIOUS SMOKED BRISKET MANWICH

BIG EDDY PUB & LIQUOR STORE—Alllllll the way at 2108 Big Eddy Rd. It's totally worth the drive all-l-l-l the way over the bridge.

MMM...DONAIRS AND/OR PIZZA

PADRINO’S PIZZARIA—200 1 St W ▪ 250 837 3300

Jess and Dave sell pizza by the slice or by the pie.

MMM ... POUTINE AND/OR PIZZA

NICO'S PIZZERIA­— 112 1 St W ▪ 250 837 7117

Nico has unique poutine combos and the squeakiest cheese curds.

STEAK AND POTATOES WITH ALL THE FIXINS'

ZALA’S STEAK & PIZZA—½ block off Hwy 1 ▪ 250 837 5555

Courtesy limousine service! Not too shabby.

ANTARCTICA-THEMED MEN'S ROOM

WOOLSEY BISTRO—600 2 St W ▪ 250 837 5500

That's a weird thing to go to a restaurant for.

A SWEET NEW VIETNAMESE PLACE

MINH TUYET'S BISTRO— 415 Victoria Rd ▪ 250-837-3788

Fancy schmancy, yet affordable!

A KILLER MAC N' CHEESE

CRAFT BIERHAUS— 107 2nd St E ▪ 250 805 1754

Trev also has regional beers & board games. (Check p.8!)

A TACOOOO OR BURRRRRRRRRITO...?

TACO CLUB — 206 MacKenzie Ave ▪ 250 837-0988

They make a deadly homemade gingerbeer.

CHICKEN STRIPS, FRIES & A SHAKE

THE NOMAD FOOD CO— 1601 Victoria Rd ▪ 250 837-4211

They won the "People’s Choice" best poutine and shakes.

THE SPANKIEST SPOT IN TOWN

THE QUARTERMASTER EATERY — 109 1ST ST ▪ 250 814 2565

This totally reno'd hotel has a secret scotch sipping boiler room. Shhh...

100% LOCALLY SOURCED SPIRITS

MONASHEE SPIRITS CRAFT DISTILLERY— 307 Mackenzie Ave ▪ 250 463 5678 Just go. Trust me. Just go and thank me later.

A CHIC, UNIQUE, COOL PLACE TO STAY

THE CUBE—311 Campbell Ave ▪ 250 837 4086

Owner Louis Marc Simard is a gem.

A PRIVATE ROOM HOSTEL

POPPI'S—313 First St. East ▪ www.poppis.ca ▪ 250 837 9192

It's the adventure of a hostel, comfort of a hotel and awesomeness of Poppi.

A QUIET LITTLE PLACE IN TOWN

MONASHEE LODGE — 601 3 St W ▪ 250 814-2553

New owners Mike & Carolyne offer a laid-back B&B.

SWISS CHALET MOTEL—1101 Victoria Rd W ▪ 1 877 837 4650

Eric offers non-smoking rooms, free breaky & Aquatic Centre passes.

ANOTHER CENTRAL YET QUIET PLACE TO STAY

GET IN THE GUIDE TO REV-ERYTHING CONTACT ME, PETER — EDITOR@REVED.NET BEER ACCEPTABLE AS PAYMENT.

YOU WILL FIND IT HERE ....

Reved Quarterly SPRING 2018 13

AN EMERGENCY PLACE TO LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD MY COUCH—Near Courthouse Inn ▪ 867 222 4556

It’s my actual couch. (Great rates!)

DEEP-TISSUE MASSAGE & ACUPUNCTURE

Diane also offers a selection of specialty teas.

WELWINDS SPA — (250) 837-6084 ▪ 509 4 St W

REFLEXOLOGY BETH PURSER MASSAGE— 250-814-3679 ▪ Inside Best Western

Beth also offers yoga and amazing retreats. (See page 6.)

DEEP-TISSUE MASSAGE & MANUAL LYMPH DRAINAGE REVELSTOKE MASSAGE THERAPY—250 837 6677

Dave also offers somatic release.

A ROMANTIC AND RELAXING GETAWAY

HALCYON HOTSPRINGS—1 888 689 4699 ▪ Hwy 23, Nakusp

These hot springs are just a short, magical drive and ferry trip away.

ACUPUNCTURE & CHINESE MEDICINE

JADE MOUNTAIN—250 847 3900 ▪ jademountain.ca ▪ 101 1st St W

Erin is a registered traditional Chinese medicine practitioner.

ALL TYPES OF YOGA FOR ALL LEVELS ...

BALU YOGA & WELLNESS ▪ 250 837 3975

... at all times of the day and all days of the week.

GUIDED ENERGY WORK & SOUL COUNSELING

HEART TO HEART HEALING—250 837 3724 ▪ Frieda Livesey

Freida also offers soul awareness writing and is an inspiration.

YOGA TEACHER TRAINING

NAMASTE YOGA & WELLNESS CENTRE—www.yogasalmonarm.com

200hr Yoga Alliance International Cert. starting Oct. 14.

SOME HELP GETTING YOUR ASANA IN GEAR

REVELUTION (ENTER ON ORTON)—www.revelution.ca 250 814 9929 Yoganna love it.

AN ECO-FRIENDLY (AND JUST REGULAR-FRIENDLY) SPA

BIRCH & LACE­—250 814 2508 ▪ 113 2nd Street E

BYO containers for their soap dispensary of Canadian products.

THE BUSIEST SALON I (PERSONALLY) HAVE EVER SEEN

FIRST IMPRESSIONS—250 837 2344 ▪ 300 1 St E

They have the BEST coffee while you wait.

THE CHEAPEST CUT IN TOWN

THE BARBERSHOP—300 First Street W

It’s a real barber’s barber. $17. First come, first cut.

"I hope if I choke to death on gummy bears people will say, ‘I was killed by bears’ and just leave it THAT.”


14 Reved SPRING 2018

HORRORSCOPES

Your Spring Horrorscopes & Misfortunes

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23): Being responsible and exceptionally bear aware, you glean all your fruit and store it securely in your butthole. Sadly, that’s where bears will always start to eat you from, anyway.

VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23): You decide to spend all of your children’s inheritance on one of Brandon Bowers Funeral Home’s top-of-the-line glass caskets. Was it worth all that money? Remains to be seen…

LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23):

MIKE

"The Medium" MURPHY

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Spring hath sprung! Unfortunately for you, it’s a springbok and it kicks you in the face.

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21) This tax season, you try to file your return but mistakenly go to a taxidermist who has you stuffed and mounted. The CRA still audits you.

GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21): You die the worst death there is: never ever having watched Dumb & Dumber. “What’s the soup du jour?” You’ll never know. (Because you’re dead.)

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 23): Pretty ironic how you die, Cancer — eaten by a giant crab.

In spite of staying on top of all the latest health trends — charcoal, fermented foods, probiotics — you’re no spring chicken. So, you try cryotherapy, but end up accidentally being cryogenically frozen and forgotten about. You’re discovered generations later in a block of ice when a family in the future digs you up in their backyard. (They’re putting in a pool.) You live out your life in an Encino Man-type scenario. Even thousands of years later, it’s a mystery how Paulie Shore was famous.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Stephen Hawking is right about infinite possible universes existing simultaneously. Similarly, there’s a dimension of space where time doesn’t exist —no beginning, no end, and objects persist in long, undulating cross-sections like slices in an infinitely long loaf of bread. You fall into this dimension, but it’s not like the film Interstellar. That movie was lame. (Quiet, Christopher Nolan fans! Sure, Memento was great. Maybe his best. Or the Prestige. And Dark Knight, too, I mean, how great was Heath Ledger?) Anyway, where was I? Oh right, you’re alone for eternity and never truly live because death gives meaning to existence.

&

CATSIFIEDS PURRRDY GOOD GIFT IDEA...

ACTUAL CATSIFIEDS

You are trampled in a Black Friday sale at Red Apple. But not our Red Apple, On no, Sagittarius, no, no — the Red Apple in Prince George. Your death was bad but then it got worse.

CALL STEVE! GREEN CAT CONSTRUCTION

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21): CATSIFIED ADS ONLY $5. Milk acceptable as payment.

(250) 814 0014

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Whoozagoodkittywittycats looking for adoptionwoption right meow at the Revy Humane Society (250) 837-8578. You can also try Nakusp PALS (Protecting Animals Life Society) at (250) 265-3792.

You will spend a lifetime uploading daily videos on your YouTube channel that feature dried pasta sculptures, which no one watches with the exception of your only three subscribers: Your mother, your cat — for whom you created a channel and cross-subscribed — and someone named MARCaroni81 who always, always hits the dislike button whenever you post a macaroni sculpture.)

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19):

PHARMACIST DAVE Owner of Family Pharmacy is in the Catsified ads and you can be, too! Rrarr!...

Just like Monday Mayhem’s Chris Ford, you will be shot out of a cannon when you die. Unfortunately, you die because you thought you could practice being shot out of a cannon alive. Helmets. Save. Lives.

PISCES (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You will die in line at Tim Horton’s after never winning Roll Up The Rim To Win.

Sherri McEwen was reading Reved, and when she finally put it down, her cat Murph picked it up. (We like it if you read Reved. But it’s OK to use for shade or warmth as well...)

#CATNOEING

WITH MOUNTAIN MIKE WATSON & HIS MOUNTAIN FRIENDS

DISCLAIMER: Mike is highly skilled at predicting your misfortunes, but he and Reved take absolutely zero responsibility if—no, when—they come painfully true.

“Death is not the worst that can happen to men.” — Plato 348 BCE

BAD-ASS GLADYS

Hard at work catfood-bagging every Friday at the Community Catnections Food Bank. (Read about this lovely lady at REVED.NET)

PLEASE PLAY MORE CAT STEVENS. I MEAN, YUSUF ISLAM.

ARE YOU KITTEN ME?!

ALL #CATSIFIED ADS ARE FREE!

ONE OF MANY ALLEY #BIERHAUSCATS

WARNING

CAT BURGLAR!

(After getting friend-zoned.)

DOSE COFFEE

CAILA...

101 2 St E.

...says cats are pur-r-r-r-fect.

Krista Manuel’s kitty steals her attention from studying.

... IS WHERE THE COOL CATS GO.

HOW REVY CATS ROLL #SHOTGUN KITTY

KAT CADEGAN

Find this clever cat and local

LEGENDS AND HEROES TOYS & APPAREL NOW HAS GAMES TO RENT. $3/ 3 DAYS OR $5/ 7 DAYS. BUY AFTER RENTAL AND SUBTRACT COST FROM THE PURCHASE OF YOUR

NEW FAVOURITE GAME.

LET’S ALL GO TO CHUBBY’S AFTER. Open: Monday — Sunday 11:00 to midnight (250) 837-2014 114 Mackenzie Ave

silversmith on Instagram

GET THE

BEST OF REVED

BOOK!

10 YEARS ONLY $10

@katcadegan

ARTSY CAT? STAY AT THE CUBE HOTEL

TWEET, INSTAGRAM OR FACEBOOK YOUR #Catsifieds to @REVEDQ


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Reved Quarterly — Spring: The DEATTTHHHHHH Issue  

In this issue, you’ll meet remarkable Revelstokians with an intimate connection to death and dying (Life in a Small Town Funeral Home, p6 an...

Reved Quarterly — Spring: The DEATTTHHHHHH Issue  

In this issue, you’ll meet remarkable Revelstokians with an intimate connection to death and dying (Life in a Small Town Funeral Home, p6 an...

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