Marriage Counseling Vienna VA

How to Transform an Enemy Into a Friend The Value of Having a Common Vision in Marriage INTRODUCTION Whether it is marriage counseling Vienna VA or marriage counseling Ashburn VA, a marriage counselor’s effort to make peace among couples is of paramount importance. The question is, “How can peace replace the fighting that has characterized the relationship?”If you are in need of Vienna VA marriage counseling as well as Ashburn marriage counseling, learn the lesson contained in the following two scenarios.

Scenario One During the summer of 1954, Muzafer Sherif and his colleagues conducted what is now seen as a classic social experiment in conflict resolution. He took 22 eleven-year-old boys who attended a three-week sleep-away summer camp and divided them into two groups.

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During stage one, each group of boys, unaware of the other’s existence, had an opportunity to build positive relationships.

During stage two, the two groups were brought into reciprocally frustrating contact to create competition, antagonism, and conflict between the two groups of boys (the Rattlers and Eagles). Members of each group were unified in their dislike for the other group and engaged in acts of hostility against the other (e.g., name-calling, burning of the other group’s flag, raiding and ransacking the other’s cabin and stealing items, and even fighting. Experimenters had to intervene on more than one occasion).

During the third and final stage, various attempts were made to reduce the conflict and build cooperative and harmonious relations between the two groups and among all the boys, regardless of which group they were in.

Initially, nothing worked during stage 3, which worried the experimenters. Finally, Sherif and his team createdharmony by introducing “superordinate goals.” These goals are critically important to members of two (or more) groups in conflict but cannot be attained by either side alone. To reach these goals, both sides need to work together.

In stage three of the camp study, breakdowns with the water system, the truck that delivered food, and the need for money contributions for an onsite movie, and the like were staged in such a way that required a collective effort by both groups to solve the predicament or obtain what was wanted. The impact of each successful joint venture was cumulative. As the successes began to pile up, “the change in behavior and patterns of interaction between the groups was striking to all observers.” The boys in both groups became friends. Sherif summarized, “When a state of interdependence between groups was produced for the attainment of superordinate goals, the groups realistically faced common problems. They took them up as common problems, jointly moving toward their solution, preceding to plan and to execute the plans which they had jointly envisaged” [emphasis added].

Counselors who engage in marriage counseling Ashburn as well as marriage counseling Viena VA agree that sharing in a joint vision is vital for a healthy marriage.

Scenario 2 Mediator Paul Lederach told of his experience in Cambodia. He worked in an educational setting with officials representing all the factions that formed the government in 1994. The Cambodians had lived through the genocide of approx. 1.7 million of their countrymen (about a fifth of the nation) at the hands of its former ruler, Pot Pol, and the Khmer Rouge. The people at this gathering had all lost family members and friends and/or participated in the killing. Both victims and oppressors were now part of the new government.

Lederarch asked how they could work with people who previously were their mortal enemies.

There was a common answer. “I do it so my children and grandchildren will never have to suffer as we did.” One Cambodian said, “We must keep our eyes on the children.” Each side's love

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for the generations to come was the superordinate value that each side prized and shared.

Relevance of the Two Scenarios The interdependence that developed between the two groups of boys at camp and former enemies in Cambodia was based on a shared vision of what could be with each other’s help. In the former case, the boys found a common problem/enemy they had to work together to overcome. In the latter case, Cambodians from different political perspectives shared a vision of peace because of their common desire to create a better future for their children. In both cases, enemies were transformed into friends because what united them was stronger than what divided them.

Application to Marriage This same principle readily applies to marriage. It can be put in the form of a series of questions. “What common vision do we share? What is it that unites us? What goal do we both want to achieve that is greater than our immediate differences?” Providing for one’s children, emotionally and physically, is one such greater goal. Uniting against financial ruin (a common enemy) is another. Living healthier, happier, and longer lives (benefits of a strong marriageas demonstrated by numerous studies) is a third.

Vienna VA marriage counselors as well as Ashburn marriage counselors are of the same mind. If a couple can find a greater goodthat they both can support, differences are more likely to be constructively addressed and resolved. Such a vision can help transform your conflicted marriage into a more harmonious one.

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