Distorter 2015

DISTORTER APRIL 2015 reporter.rit.edu

Please Recycle

DISTORTER EDITOR IN CHIEF Boss Ass Bitch PRINT MANAGING EDITOR Dr. Payne ONLINE MANAGING EDITOR The Distorter Twitterbot COPY EDITOR Stella Howler NEWS EDITOR Joe Mahmah TECHNOLOGY EDITOR Cunt Blacula LEISURE EDITOR Lenny Fattitz FEATURES EDITOR Seymour Butts SPORTS EDITOR INFINITE $ORROW VIEWS EDITOR Lindsey Graham’s Unread Email Address WRITERS Seymour Butts, Joe MahMah, Francis Scott, Dan Glysack, Mnemosyne, The Distorter Twitterbot, Robert Jones, Lou Skunt, Ophellia Balls

ART ART ART DIRECTOR Dr. E. Ville ONLINE ART DIRECTOR Clementine Krushinski

SENIOR DESIGNER Beyonce STAFF DESIGNERS Bluberry YumYum, Amy Winehouse, Edward Spoonhands, Boom Boom, Edna Mode, Dr. Mantis Toboggan, MeiMei, Miss BananaBread, Anna Conda, Smidgen Pigeon, Al Fresco

CONTRIBUTING ILLUSTRATORS Margelump, Corn on the Cob, Anita Lyfe, Clementine Krushinski, Shibby-Sama, Bud Light, Beyonce, Smitty Werbenjagermanjenson

PHOTOGRAPHY PHOTO EDITOR Klemb(.)(.)bz CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Klemb(.)(.)bz, Georgia O’Keeffe, Unknown, Jar Jar Kinx, Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

BUSINESS BUSINESS MANAGER Dusty Carr AD / PR MANAGER Kandi Apple PRODUCTION MANAGER Joy Rider ONLINE SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR Dan Glysack WEB MANAGER Moe B. Dick VIDEO EDITOR Polly Ester ADVISOR Your Mother PRINTING Your Grandmother CONTACT 585.475.2212

DISTORTER RESPONDS TO CRITIQUES ABOUT REPORTER Reporter is far too kind to tell you all what they really think about your non-stop whining and complaining about their magazine, so we decided to do it for them here. Below you’ll find some of the most common critiques that Reporter gets and how Distorter feels about them.

“I miss the security reports you used to do.”

Yeah. We do too. You can thank public safety for that. The way the reports are written, Reporter would be writing incredibly vague articles on what might have happened. So, you can either get an article that reads like “Unknown suspect broke into house in colony and took items that could not be disclosed,” or you can let them focus on more important things like sparkly shit. Your choice.

“Your design isn’t uniform enough.”

Well sorry that they want to give their designers some creative rights, you uniform piece of crap.

“There’s a minute typo on an article.”

Sorry they’re human. Besides, you’re going to complain about something, so they might as well throw you a boner.

“You didn’t quote me correctly in that article.”

Actually, they did. Reporter records all interviews, so we have you on tape saying it. Idiot.

“Your content isn’t that great.”

Yeah well ... actually you got us there.

Boss Ass Bitch Editor in Chief

This magazine is fake you idiot. If you believe anything or want to complain because we offended you, send Letters to the Editor to wdfwu@rit.edu.

Reporter Magazine is published monthly during the academic year by a staff comprised of students at Rochester Institute of Technology. Business, Editorial and Design facilities are located in Room A-730, in the lower level of the Campus Center. Our phone number is 1.585.475.2212. The Advertising Department can be reached at 1.585.475.2213. “What’s a better way to say ‘whore out Destler?’” -J.M. The opinions expressed in Reporter do not necessarily reflect those of the Institute. Reporter is not responsible for materials presented in advertising areas. Reporter takes pride in its membership in the Associated Collegiate Press and American Civil Liberties Union. Copyright © 2014 Reporter Magazine. All rights reserved. No portion of this Magazine may be reproduced without prior written permission.

cover photography by JarJar Kinx | table of contents photography by JarJar Kinx

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This cover is a photo for all of you that complained the February Issue featured unrealistic body types for men. By the way? His abs are real.

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PRESENTED BY

ANIMAL PLANET

‘

by Ophellia Balls | design by Edna Mode

| photography by Kelmb(.)(.)bz

cover photography by Llyod McCullough table of contents photography by Kim Bubello side from being the ultimate time-waster and making me question why I go to this God-damned school, Yik Yak is quite possibly the closest thing we have to an Animal Planet documentary: And here we see the wild Top Hat Guy in his usual hunting ground. The scared college students chatter, or “yak,” to alert others to his presence.

In the chemistry classroom, we can observe Chemkid trying to impress the females of his species. Although there is only one other documented member of his species, known as “Chemgirl,” it seems that Chemkid mistakes a classroom full of college students as members of his own species. Chemkid’s mating call involves asking questions to his mentor, Lanzafame, also known as Yak Master Joe. Yak Master Joe is generally irritated about being interrupted from his lecture. Meanwhile, the idle college student is wondering, ‘If this whole lecture is going to be about ex-wives, can I just leave?’

Yak Master Joe seems to think that Heidi Klum has something to do with chemistry, and brings her up often. If Yak Master Joe were as passionate about chemistry as he is about Heidi Klum and his ex-wife, then his students might actually learn something.

Chemkid doesn’t bother actually listening to the Yak Master, instead looking up the material online before class so he can attempt to sound smarter when speaking. This is an attempt to impress Chemgirl, a mating technique only seen in this particular species.

Chemkid is only loosely related to the college student species. Field experts usually determine the difference with an observation of mating habits. While Chemkid’s mating

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calls usually make their appearance in the lecture hall jungle, the college student yaks its mating call.

Although many of these recorded yaks seem to talk to one person in particular, field experts are still unable to determine if the messages yield much result.

Occasionally, a call will come out addressed to no one in particular. Instead of using the typical diction of a college student, these calls ask for “cuddles.” A positive response will only sporadically appear in the form of a “kik.” Field experts have yet to determine what a kik is.

The college student will often yak for purposes other than mating. It is often used as a sort of forum for complaints. College students seem to be bothered by what is collectively named “First World Problems.”

THE SCARED COLLEGE STUDENTS CHATTER, OR, ‘YAK’ TO ALERT OTHERS TO “TOP HAT GUYS” PRESENCE. If the college student cared about human rights as much as they did about their seats being taken, then we would have solved all of humanity’s problems by now. Instead of coming in one day to class and passive-aggressively complaining to YikYak about having to sit in a different seat, there would be outrage

against the detention camps in North Korea. But the college student would rather keep updated on the status of Laptop Guy. Laptop Guy is similar to Chemkid in that he cannot quite be classified as a college student. Although he comes from the same family as Homo sapiens, Laptop Guy has a much more distinct trait that makes it easier for field experts to classify him. Growing out of one of his appendages is a laptop — thus the name. Field experts are baffled as to what the evolutionary advantage of this mutation is.

There is much yet unknown about these secretive species, which live only in special designated reserves. YikYak is the perfect companion for anyone looking to begin a rudimentary study of college students and their relatives, Chemkid and Laptop Guy.

SMART AGLET YOUR SECRET SAVIOR

by Cunt Blacula | design by Smidgen Pigeon | illustration by Anita Lyfe

H

ey, Cunt Blacula here! I’m the resident expert in all things new and improved. Boy, do I have a product for

you!

Have you ever just been sitting looking down at your shoelaces and wondering why they have a plain old piece of plastic or metal on the end? Have no fear, the smart aglet is here!

Gone are the days of having to tie your own shoes! Gone are the days of having chronic back pain because of the arduous task of bending over, touching your toes and preventing yourself from falling flat on your face by securing your laces! Gone are the days of actually having to put in any effort to lean over your giant, overflowing beer gut to stop your body from catapulting forward after stepping on those damn pieces of string hanging from your foot coverings!

“ GONE ARE THE DAYS OF HAVING TO TIE YOUR OWN SHOES!”

per-fast response from the smart aglet. Your shoes are instantly tied!

Along with the voice commands, the aglet can also vary the type of knot. Not only can it do single, double, triple and even quadruple knots, this marvel of modern technology can tie intricate sailing knots, Boy Scout knots, lynch knots and bondage knots.

I mean, imagine this: you are in the throes of passion with your lover. You’re engaged in a steamy scene that in no way resembles the atrocious smut you didn’t watch when you didn’t see “50 Shades of Grey” last month, and they are screaming your name.

They want you to to tie them up. They want to feel your strong, sensuous hands wrapping them in the perfection that is the knot tying ability they assumed you had when you wrote “skilled in the fine art of BDSM” on your Tinder profile — again, in no way gathered from when you absolutely didn’t watch “50 Shades of Grey” for the seventh time last night.

You forgot to mention that you don’t actually know how to tie a knot. Hell, you barely remember how to tie your shoes, all thanks to the smart aglet! Hold it right there, buckaroo.

The smart aglet has heard your lover’s cries!

Within seconds, they are tied up into the most beautiful pretzel your sex-crazed eyes have ever seen. All you can mutter through the guttural, primal moans of lovemaking is, “Thank you, smart aglet. Thank you.”

Purchase the smart aglet at www.superusefulthings.com/xxx!

The smart aglet is equipped with stateof-the-art robotic capabilities that allow it to self-tie any pair of shoes. The robot encased within the aglet is programmed to employ the use of millions of tiny fingers that find their way through the shoe eyelets (by the way, stay tuned for a riveting review of the smart eyelet in the near never), under, over and through the rabbit holes, all the way into a single, double, triple or quadruple knot for extra support!

The smart aglet can also be voice activated! It was purposfully designed to be activated by any voice, so when you’re walking down the street and a stranger notices your shoe is untied, a simple “Yo, idiot! Your motherfucking shoe is untied!” will illicit a hyDistorter 5

APP REVIEW:

FISHER

by Cunt Blacula | photography by Kelmb(.)(.)bz | design by Al Fresco

H

ello, to my loyal followers! Cunt Blacula here with another rave review of an amazing product! I know we have all heard of the exclusive dating app Tinder, but I am here to tell you I have found something better. Are you just as tired of having to wade through profiles upon profiles of unassuming alpha males posing in mirror selfies just to get to the sexy fishermen? Well, I was! So, I went on a search to find an app for my refined taste. On my quest, I found what my heart truly desired: Fisher. It is a beautiful app full of profiles of desirable men waiting to satiate my appetite for seafood and hot, naughty sailboat sex. Here is a small selection of the men available, and let me tell you, they’re a catch!

“Will you be my Fisherella? Swipe right for ‘yes.’”

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“I’m a romantic kind of guy. Fishing under the moonlight and drinking beer under the stars. I’ve got two beers, who wants the other?”

-Ryan

“I’m a frat boy fisherman.

I rep Gamma Rho Theta the national fishing frat. It’s a new thing I started. Don’t look it up. We aren’t fratty enough yet.”

-Pat

“Yes, I’m a black fisherman. As hard as it is for you to believe, we do exist.

Swipe right for diversity!”

-Jordan

“I like the taste of raw fish... if you know what I mean.”

-Phil

“I can handle my rod in ways you can’t even imagine.”

-Henry

“I got a big fish and big dreams. Hope to one day fish for the big leagues.”

-Brandon Distorter 7

102 REASONS WE LOVE

RIT

by Lou Skunt | design by Boom Boom | illustration by Smitty Werbenjagermanjenson

11 Code that DOES work for no apparent reason.

12 A nime

accurately represent how many of us would actually survive a zombie apocalypse (i.e. none of us).

fanatics for reminding us to READ THE MANGA.

35 P eople who slip and fall when there’s ice

ly, but you come out … lonely. Only now you have ice cream.

ask three different people if it’s okay to put cheese on a sandwich that doesn’t usually have cheese.

on the Quarter Mi- OH, CRAP!

13 Q uirky Alone Day. You might go in lone- 36 Working for dining services and having to 14 Blazing fast internet that makes us bang

our heads on our keyboards when we go home over break.

15 Middle-aged

men in the Fitness Center locker rooms. If they can walk around naked and not be ashamed, then so can I. When I’m 65.

16 T he sensual sounds of two Deaf people having sex in the room next door.

17 That

one person that always tries to seem smarter than the professor.

18 T he distinctive scent that fills the Davis

37 Classes that are 10 minutes apart and on

opposite sides of campus. How else am I going to get my cardio?

38 G oing

to a school where my boogers freeze on the way to class.

39 RIT mosquitos, for helping me get rid of all that unneeded blood.

40 Destler’s weather machine.

41 Despite RIT Players’ best attempts, I’m still not sure what Urinetown is.

Room during RWAG and EGS events.

42 No matter how good you are at some-

mons soda machines into one cup.

We’ve named it Satan’s Piss.

43 N o matter how bad you are at some-

Bottle Return for closing three minutes before I remember to take out the recyclables.

45 Trying to blow your nose or wipe up a spill

19 Mixing all of the sodas from the Com20 Sol’s

21 People who ace tests without studying.

22 A ccidentally studying chapter 7 for a

thing, someone at RIT is better at it than you.

thing, someone at RIT is worse at it than you.

in another room with the blow driers in the bathrooms. Because paper towels are wasteful.

test on chapter 6.

46 For every force, there is an equal and oppo-

people I don’t get along with.

47 W alking in on your roommate mastur-

23 Neckbeards, because they only grow on

site wind tunnel.

01 Blowjobs in the library. bating.

24 T he RIT Message Center. You’ll never feel lonely when you’re getting 27 02 Binary.

48 Your roommate walking in on you masturemails a day. bating.

03 Toilet paper so thin that it sets unreal25 P rofessors that stand in front of what 49 W istic expectations for other toilet paper. hen someone doesn’t flush and your RA they’re writing on the whiteboard. has to report a biohazard to maintenance.

04 Gracie’s patented anti-constipation pro26 P laying a horror game and accidentally 50 The Sentinel. We’ve all been told that it gram. Be more regular than you ever screaming at 2:00 in the morning. Because wanted to be after just one meal!

05 The third and fourth floors of the Wallace Center for being ideal, quiet places to obnoxiously talk on the phone.

06 P eople who take video games way too

seriously. They remind us that all normal people come out of the womb with the ability to pull off flawless combos in Smash Bros. and that everyone else is a failure.

if I’m not sleeping tonight, neither is anyone else.

eaters that can spontaneously turn 27 T he skunky, dank smell of students study- 51 Hyour room into a nice, steamy sauna or ing.

28 L ying

explode.

to yourself about how much homework you have tonight.

52 That

he’s actually really cool.

53 P rofessors who outline EXACTLY what’s

29 Laptop Guy. 30 Bathrobe Scooter Guy. I’ve met him, and

07 Those kind souls in the residence halls 31 That that lull the rest of us to sleep with music like “Get Low” or “Soulja Boy,” played at 140 decibels.

looks like a man on a horse from above, but we’ve never really bothered to check.

group of people who wear fancy clothes and walk down the Quarter Mile singing show tunes. I don’t know who you are, but don’t ever stop doing what you do.

moment when you’re juuuuust about to fall asleep … Then you remember that Mastering Physics assignment you have due tomorrow. on the final. You the real MVP.

54 Thinking that 30 degrees is a heat wave.

55 That kid in your class who’s developed

five websites, made nine apps and is 08 The euphoric amount of fedoras. working on winning a Nobel Prize.

09 Bytes, Artisano and Ben and Jerry’s for 32 T he Quarter Mile, for not actually being 56 People who smoke in the alcove by Gleateaching us that the “freshman 15” is very, a quarter of a mile long.

VERY real.

10 C ode that doesn’t work for no apparent reason.

33 Fall Humans vs. Zombies games for better acquainting freshmen with the campus than any tour ever could.

34 Spring Humans vs. Zombies games. They 8 Distorter

son. The lobby just wouldn’t be the same without that fragrant, smoky aroma.

57 G uys who act like the ratio is the reason

they can’t get a girlfriend and not the fact that they don’t shower.

58 People

who don’t wipe. God bless the poor souls who live with them.

79 The excitement of taking an important 101 T he

how many times you climb into them.

80 When your RA hints to others that you’re

59 Loft beds that don’t feel safe no matter 60 The fact that RIT is a dry campus. A dry campus with TWO GODDAMN BARS.

61 People who bike down the Quarter Mile.

Nothing makes a walk to class more fun than having to constantly dodge serious bodily harm.

62 Outlets that are hidden behind dorm fur-

niture. I didn’t really want to feng shui my room, anyway.

63 The fact that almost all of someone’s tuition is going toward balloons.

64 Those Casanovas who know that the key

to a girl’s heart is to stare at her uncomfortably from across the room.

65 The wonderful, musty scent of “intelligence” in Golisano.

66 Wearing yoga pants in a blizzard and not knowing why you’re cold.

67 Academic Advisors, for

supporting you when you’re struggling. There is no joke here.

online exam and praying the internet doesn’t go out. gay, but you’re actually straight.

81 The amazing artwork people can create with colored tape.

82 The ongoing acappella war.

83 The fresh air you can get

Fireside piano. Nothing brightens my day more than music from The Legend of Zelda while I’m doing homework.

102 Getting weird looks when you take 10 plastic forks from Commons.

103 D istorter

articles that seem easy to write, but turn out to be fairly difficult.

when your

roommate sexiles you.

84 Being

the only healthy person in your group of friends and trying to dodge their germs.

85 Putting a shirt in a res hall washing machine and taking out a fur coat.

86 T he anticipation of waiting for that really important exam grade to be posted to myCourses.

87 People who mysteriously come out of the shower smelling worse than they went in.

88 Our

high-and-mighty Computer Science major overlords.

89 Hating slushy walks to class, then wish-

ing for slush when it’s too cold for slush.

68 People who never learned to make Easy 90 The Golden Rule of Calculus: if you think Mac. Fire alarms don’t let you oversleep, after all. You’re the reason we can’t have nice things.

you’re doing it right, you’re doing it very, very wrong.

91 YearOne, for extending freshman orien69 The tiger ice sculpture will last forever. tation across an entire semester.

70 All of the immature people.

92 R oommates that give you time to relax between your shower and brushing your 71 RIT’s brick fetish. teeth by swooping into the bathroom 72 If you’re a girl, you can easily clear a while you’re grabbing your toothbrush room by saying you have a boyfriend. At least five guys will leave.

73 If

you’re a guy, you can easily clear a room by lifting your hands over your head. Everyone will either run from the odor or drop dead.

74 The

hard-hitting decision making that comes with coffee shops that open at 8:00a.m. when you have an 8a.m. class.

Do I go to class on time and fall asleep, or get to class late and stay awake?

75 The

RIT Yik Yak community, for being an absolute goldmine of witty posts that were copied from Reddit.

76 F eeling awkward walking through a sign

language conversation, then feeling even more awkward when you know it’s rude to apologize for doing so.

77 L iving in the dorms for a second year.

Just imagine how good an apartment will feel after two years of living in a shoebox!

78 W hen girls shed enough to turn their dorm floors into shag carpets.

from your desk.

93 When literally everything ever is due on the same day. Sleep is for the weak!

94 A djusting

your eyes to sunlight after three months of snowy darkness.

95 Bringing popcorn to a STAR meeting and

watching the fireworks. Jerry Springer ain’t got nothing on the sci-fi club.

96 The satisfaction of crawling into bed at the same time your roommate pulls out his homework.

97 Residence

hall elevators. Why bother making both work? We only really need one.

98 Slush puddles so large that they give us the chance to pretend to be Super Mario.

99 Girls who wear bright green headbands during Humans vs. Zombies then look at us funny when we point our blasters at them.

100 Checking

to make sure no one is around, then belting out your favorite song in the tunnels.

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FINDING NEW WAYS OF SHREDDING ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS WHILE SAVING PLANET EARTH ALL IN ONE BRUTALLY HONEST SWIPE.

by The Disorter Twitterbot | photo by Unknown | designed by Anna Conda

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h, Career Fair. A day of opportunity, of wonder, of wardrobe malfunctions. A day of opportunities lost, of frantically modifying your resume at one in the morning, of really long lines for companies you’ve never heard of. Once upon a time, companies had to go through all the effort of taking your resume, pretending to read it, maybe even interviewing you before ultimately shredding your resume and forgetting all about you. But no longer!

It seems that every time companies visit RIT, the campus works harder to make them feel welcome. “It’s the most organized Career Fair we come to,” said National Security Agency (NSA) recruiter Jane [REDACTED].

“That takes a lot of phone calls late at night. I should know,” she said as she winked.

The next step in RIT’s continuing CareerFair-based innovation comes in the form of complementary shredders for every company. Now the companies can shred your resume right before your very eyes, saving time and energy for all participants. Distorter asked Senior Vice President of Career Services Molli Cannoli for comment.

“Oh, yes. By providing shredders to companies, we were able to save them thousands of dollars in electricity, not to mention the cost of transporting those huge stacks of resumes to their own destruction facilities,” she said.

“It really makes a lot of sense.”

The shredders, Cannoli explained, come in two models, at the individual company’s discretion. There are the Cummins-Allison 569’s, which can handle over 15 reams of paper and are approved by the NSA, according to [REDACTED], and the energy-efficient Intimus EcoLogic. “We take our shredders very seriously,” Cannoli explained.

And that’s not all Career Services has provided. There are over 30 rooms in the Field House that have been set up as temporary interview/shredder rooms. Many companies, Cannoli stated, prefer to shred in privacy.

With these dual-purpose rooms, each company will not only be able to conduct interviews but they can also transmute the interviewee’s painstakingly-constructed resume into confetti in equal privacy, before the interviewee even leaves the room.

We reached out to Google recruiters for comment, but they simply spun in circles, flailing their arms and cackling maniacally.

We did however catch a sobbing student on the way out.

“I just worked so hard on that resume,” complained third year Computer Science student Sneerhardt Graft. “I spent three hours picking out fonts. FONTS!” Graft went on to describe the painstaking way the Google recruiter had fed page after page of Graft’s resume — 20 pages in all — into the shredder.

“All that time deciding between Comic Sans and Papyrus for nothing!” he lamented. “Who on earth thought this was a good idea?”

“Oh, come off it!” exclaimed a nearby Illustration student, fourth year Joanne Jones.

She explained that most of CIAS was talking about the new policy. “For years, people have joked about our dismal Career Fair hiring rates.” Across the room, a shredder sounded to a mechanical engineer’s agonized shrieks.

“Hahahahaha!” Joanne commented. “HAHAHAHAHA!”

Students aren’t the only ones excited about the innovation. We sat down with Ingrid Bluejay, RIT’s chief sustainability kibitzer.

We asked Bluejay about how the shredder policy would impact RIT’s “Carbon Neutral by 2030” policy. Surely the sheer power-draw from 250 companies running shredders at once would set back the campus’s carbon footprint.

“It’s really just wonderful,” the official RIT eco-guru commented from within in her bark office-hut. “Not only are some of the shredders eco-friendly, but you have to think about the alternatives.” She asked us to remember

earlier eras, when companies would have to schlep hundreds or thousands of resumes back to their own offices — in many instances across the country from our own campus.

“The carbon footprint from all that trucking and flying is practically incalculable. Think about it like eating locally,” she said.

But Distorter is a serious publication, and not so easily balked. When you consider that some of these big companies like Amazon or Microsoft might be shredding four or five student resumes at a time, it really adds up.

Concerned for the well-being of our planet, Distorter met up with President Wrestler to further discuss the ecological ramifications of the decision.

“It’s true,” Wrestler said in his smooth baritone, “the environment is our top concern. But I think you might be missing out on the bigger picture here. Those shredded resumes don’t just disappear.” Wrestler went on to explain that the estimated 17 tons of resume paper (approximately two pounds per student) will be used as fertilizer along the Quarter Mile.

“The walk smells like shit,” Wrestler said.

“You know it, I know it, everyone knows it.” After recent failed attempts to use a semen-based fertilizer, the administration is

now turning to strips of standard 24-pound resume paper.

This new fertilizer will be used not just on the quarter mile, but all over campus. “In the community gardens, that CV you worked so hard on for the biochem startup. On the hills of Pi Quad, thousands of bits of Software Engineering resumes.” He smiled that winning Wrestler smile. “Come spring,” the president intoned, “the campus will smell like cherry blossoms and unemployment.”

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PICTURE THIS: You look up, and it’s you. Exiting the library, walking down the Quarter Mile, you watch them as they slide by unnoticed.

YOU HAVE MET YOUR DOPPELGÄNGER. While before you lived your life in peaceful ignorance, there is no going back. Now that you have noticed them, they will turn up seemingly wherever you go. Slowly, your doppelgänger becomes aware of you as well.

HOW TO DE A L WITH YOUR

DOPPELGANGER IN FI VE E A SY STE PS

by Ophellia Balls | photography by Unknown | design by Miss BananaBread

Then it is a matter of avoiding eye contact while brushing past each other in the hallways. It is a tangible awkwardness, as if the universe is realizing its mistake. Two humans, exactly alike in looks, is a statistical improbability. There are some minor differences, noted only in personality and behavior. You have dubbed your doppelgänger “Pothead You,” based mostly on the copious amounts of pot that they seem to smoke.

This cannot continue any longer. There cannot be more than one of you. How do you deal with your doppelgänger? How do you rid the world of this anomaly? Follow these simple steps, and the world will be free from your doppelgänger.

STEP ONE: INITIATE CONTACT

STEP THREE: GAIN THEIR TRUST

STEP FIVE: CONVINCE THEM TO STAY

This may be the hardest part. You must find an excuse to speak to your doppelgänger.

This will take some form of infiltration over a course of months. When you find you’re in, you can proceed to step two.

our doppelgänger must believe that you Y are a friend. It may be difficult to ignore the elephant in the room, but you must do so.

During this process, you may find that your doppelgänger lives a better life than you.

You can decide, after your doppelgänger has been taken care of, to take over their life completely. This is a much more difficult process because you will have to gather extensive data on their every relationship and even their major. This is not the suggested route to take, but it is possible.

I t is possible that your doppelgänger will want to stay of his own free will. However, this is not likely. Your best bet is to dress similarly to your doppelgänger, commit some crime and then frame them. Canada will put them in jail. After your doppelgänger finishes his jail term, he will have been brainwashed into believing that Canada is awesome, and will not want to leave.

STEP TWO: SPEAK TO YOUR DOPPELGÄNGER nce you have something in common as an O excuse to speak, you must carefully word the first contact. There will be significant awkwardness, but you must pretend to be completely oblivious. Your doppelgänger will think that he is only seeing things.

Don’t pull a Tina Belcher. The conversation should go something like this: You: Hello, [insert name here]. Could you help me with [insert your excuse here]?

Doppelgänger ( with some hesitation): Sure… *Continue conversation as if this person was not an anomaly of nature that needs to be corrected.* 12 Distorter

STEP FOUR: CRITICAL PHASE lan the perfect vacation with your dopP pelgänger. It is very important to get all the details correct. You will be flying to Cuba.

There is no better vacation than sticking it to the government, so you say. The truth is, your flight will stop in Canada. Canada is the perfect place to leave your doppelgänger. In fact, Canada was founded entirely by doppelgängers. Now, your doppelgänger will be confused when your layover in Canada does not result in a nice trip to Cuba. Tell them not to be alarmed, that this is what is best for everyone.

YOU CAN NOW RETURN TO YOUR NORMAL LIFE, HAVING RID YOURSELF OF THE DOPPELGÄNGER ANOMALY.

WILLIAM WRESTLER LOCAL BANJO LEGEND

by The Distorter Twitterbot | design by Boom Boom | illustration by Smitty Werbenjagermanjenson

B

REAKING NEWS — We are all undoubtedly familiar with RIT’s distinguished President Wrestler; And I’m sure each and every one of you with middle-aged soccer moms is familiar with the smooth, soulful rhythms of William Tiger, jazz banjoist.

The local legend’s hypnotic chords and mellow demeanor have owned haunts of elderly and elderto-be alike for years now.

Just in case you’ve been living under a rock for the past eight years, go familiarize yourself with Tiger’s work. Go on, I can wait.

Back? Good. Well, get your socks on, ‘cause I’m about to blow them right off.

RIT’s President Wrestler and sweet soul musician William Tiger are the same person.

On Tuesday afternoons, you can usually find Wrestler in the Brick City Café eating lunch with students, or sketching out new fountain schematics. But if you wait for the dead of night — say, 5 or 6 o’clock — and head down to Snugg’s Forty-Plus Pub, you’ll find a transformed man. At first, it’s hard to tell that Tiger, plucking out those famous melodies that caress your very ear canals with tender emotion, is Wrestler at all. His face is obscured by the smoke from once-a-week cigarettes and the very fervor of the room. But a trained eye can identify Wrestler’s stunning eyes and firm physique on the album covers for “Autumn Leaves in Spring” and “Tiger’s Eye in Evening,” or his chiseled brow on the iconic 2012 album “Tomorrow’s Winds of Yesteryear.”

I dropped by the pub last week to savor the sonorous noisesounds of Tiger’s soft sounds. The

chill jazz rhythms drifted through the smoke, over the dyed hairdoos and single moms who managed to get a baby sitter. After every song, you’d think you were at a Girl Scout Camp’s complementary Justin Bieber concert.

Tiger is usually too swamped with autograph requests from swooning middle-aged women after his sultry shows to comment, so I went to Tripletime Recording Studio to talk to his agent. “Tiger is a world-caliber musician,” the agent said. “But what he does on his personal time is not my concern.”

“With all his touring, he must not have time for anything else, though,” he said. Earlier this year, Wrestler went to a weeklong Professional Development retreat at the campus in Croatia.

Simultaneously, Tiger’s “Fifty Shades of Jazz” world tour visited the coastal region. Every so often, a stylish student misplaces a fedora.

Tiger’s signature fedora wardrobe seems limitless. Wrestler’s eyes are filled with pain and sexual tension: the same eyes that stare out with unfathomable deepness from the cover of Tiger’s “Walk Through The Winter With Me” single. Simply put, the coincidences are too numerous and too conclusive, to refute.

President Wrestler declined to comment.

Distorter 13

REPORTER/FOX NEWS MERGER ANNOUNCED

by INFINITE $ORROW | design by Edward Spoonhands | illustration by Corn on the Cob

When Reporter launched in 1951, it had one goal: to provide staunchly conservative “news” with aggressive, questionable authority. Today, we’re proud to announce that we’re one step closer to achieving that goal. We can finally unveil something that’s been in the works at the Reporter offices for quite some time now: Reporter has (finally) merged with 21st Century Fox. If there’s one thing that the staff at Reporter hates more than journalistic integrity, fact checking and wage equality, it’s existing as a publicity machine for the vicious, vapid liberal media. Day in and day out, we’ve been forced to spew out socialist propaganda sent down from Führer Obama’s freemason stronghold. Hands shackled to the unbreakable restraints of healthcare reform and celebrity gossip columns, Reporter has been a shamefully gutless institution to work for since Obama’s violent coup for the oval office.

We’ve sat idly by for too long while the four horsemen of the liberal apocalypse wreak havoc upon our American ideals and salt the land so that no Wal-Marts can ever be grown again. This merger with 21st Century Fox marks the dawn of a new era of journalism, one guided by the torch of truth and the beacon of Reaganomics. For once, Reporter is 14 Distorter

going to be a magazine worth being proud of.

21st Century Reporter Fox News Magazine for Liberty and the Protection of Christmas Forward Slash Family Values (or 21CRFNMLPCFSFV, for short) is a journalism outlet for the RIT student who doesn’t fall prey to liberal deception tactics like “facts” and “actual, existing data.” Such an enormous institutional overhaul is bound to come with some serious changes, and the very foundation of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is built on real change, not the kind that snake oil peddler in the white house sold you all those years ago. First thing’s first, 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is going to hold a large public burning of every single back issue of Reporter in existence. As long as copies of our old self still remain, our quest toward truth and freedom cannot be fully realized. Every copy of Reporter will be loaded onto a funeral pyre on Lake Ontario and burned at sea. Directly after the ceremony, 21CRFNMLPCFSFV will hold its first annual Tasteful American Celebration event, in which aspiring 21CRFNMLPCFSFV staff writers will get the chance to rub elbows with some of 21st Century Fox’s brightest human rights violators. “Triumph of the Will” will also be projected over the festival grounds the entire night.

Each upcoming issue of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV

will devote its first 10 pages to praising the legacies of presidents who held office between 1981 and 1989. These “Reagan Pages” will serve to divert attention from the cruel reign of Barack “Actually the Antichrist” Obama and toward some prouder moments in our nation’s history.

21CRFNMLPCFSFV IS GOING TO HOLD A LARGE PUBLIC BURNING OF EVERY SINGLE BACK ISSUE OF REPORTER IN EXISTENCE. The “Reagan Pages” will feature fun crossword puzzles (every single answer is either “Ronald,” “Reagan” or “The answer is Ronald Reagan”), brain teasers (“Which president is the best one? Hint: Ronald Re_gan”) and little-known facts about our country’s all-time greatest leader. For example, did you know that Reagan once foretold of “President” “Obama”’s presidency in a spastic fever dream on his death bed? Gripping Nancy Reagan’s

perfect, delicate hand with his fatherly digits, Reagan warned of “the firmament splitting open like a spectral bratwurst,” “crimson flames cascading from the very heavens” and “-unintelligible nonsense.-” And what do we have now, just as he predicted? Barack Obama. Your move, millennials.

21CRFNMLPCFSFV will also get rid of some of Reporter’s more deplorable and misleading sections, and by some of, we mean all of them. In the past, the Features section has displayed a frightening lack of shirtless photos of Glenn Beck, so that will be remedied immediately. Sports has had a tendency to focus on distasteful foreign sports like “ice hockey,” which are harmful and dangerous to traditional American family values. Starting with the first issue of 21CRFNMLPCFSFV, the Sports section will be repurposed as the “Shirtless Photos of Glenn Beck” section, the News section will be done away with entirely to create more ad space and Views will be merged with Leisure to create the “Shirtless Photos of Glenn Beck” super-section, complete with a centerfold poster every month.

The Merger is also going to see a complete staff overhaul. Reporter Editor-in-Chief Alyssa Jackson is a world-renowned communist sympathizer who starts every day by rolling out of bed and spitting on an American flag for 10 minutes. She is being removed from her position and replaced with a painting of a boat. In addition, the entire editorial staff of the Reporter is being incinerated for treason and replaced with a bag of cheeseburgers.

It’s these sort of changes that drive the practice of journalism forward, and these are the changes that Reporter has been ignoring for

far too long.

The very first thing that popped into our heads the second we signed the merger with 21st Century Fox was “Holy shit, we are going to make so much money.” This was almost immediately followed by “No, seriously you guys, we are going to make a stupid amount of money.” After screaming at the top of our lungs and pouring priceless bottles of wine into trash cans for a couple of hours, we calmed down a bit and thought about all the money we were going to make while giggling uncontrollably. Somewhere down the line we probably thought about what this is doing for the current diminishing state of journalism or some boring shit, but who cares about that? 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is the end result of decades worth of awful journalism finally being recognized as something credible and profit-making. The important thing here is that 21CRFNMLPCFSFV is going to make us all millionaires and provide you with the news you can trust from an organization like 21st Century Fox: sensationalist, dictated entirely by corporate money and based on no facts whatsoever.

The way God intended it. The American God. God bless America.

IN ADDITION, THE ENTIRE EDITORIAL STAFF OF THE REPORTER IS BEING INCINERATED FOR TREASON AND REPLACED WITH A BAG OF CHEESEBURGERS.

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THE

PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2

by Lenny Fattitz | design by Beyoncé | illustration by Margelump

T

he universe is an incessantly cruel place, devoid of answers and offering only cold, relentless silence as a retort to our most daunting questions. What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? What is the secret to happiness?

Who the fuck is the black guy in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and what kind of monster were these pills designed for?

I took two of these little, round, off-white tablets wrapped in a cellophane cigarette-pack wrapper I got from a rather unscrupulous female friend that pulled them out from between her breasts about half an hour ago. She described them as having been purchased from a man with a severe case of bipolar disorder or maybe schizophrenia. Apparently the doctors aren’t quite sure what exactly is wrong with the guy. I wanted to ask why on Earth she was associating with someone who would likely be lobotomized if this was the 1950s.

Then again, she’s associating with me, and my Saturday agenda is to get strung out on

anti-psychotics and review Hot Tub Time Machine 2, so who am I to judge?

Rob Corddry just got his dick shot off.

I currently feel as if I’m wearing a suit exquisitely tailored out of my own skin. I didn’t find that funny, that’s not funny at all.

That’s his dick, man. Anonymous black guy whose been in every comedy of the past 10 years and kid who looks like a blend of the little fat kid from “2 and a Half Men” and Andy Milonakis bring him to the hot tub where they proceed to get utterly smacked on booze, bongs and drugs.

After all of this, did he finally think he found the answer, texting this girl and asking her if she wanted to go see a matinee of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 this Saturday? Is this for hours?

what normal people do? Is the guy in the back of an empty movie theater scribbling into a notepad while his tongue slowly melts into the back of his throat really the person that should be making the decision of what’s normal? Can he be trusted with that

WHO THE FUCK IS THE BLACK GUY IN HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2 AND WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WERE THESE PILLS DESIGNED FOR? There’s a 16-or-so-year-old kid sitting about two rows ahead of me in the theater with a young blonde girl leaning against his shoulder. I’m wondering, is this a date?

Are they dating? Did this kid ask this girl out, go home, think for awhile, call his friends for advice and stand in a mirror styling his hair in all different fashions

kind of authority?

Apparently, when they get a certain level of fucked up, the time machine just throws them somewhere in the past or future. The whole point, I think, was to get him back in time far enough to save his Johnson. Instead, they’re sent to 2024. They look in a mirror and they have aged 10 years. I refuse to

ROB CORDDRY JUST GOT HIS DICK SHOT OFF. 16 Distorter

“I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE.” accept that this makes any fucking sense. In the first movie, the same shit happens, where they travel into the past and are actually just themselves at that time period with their 2014 brains. No matter how you spin that, their actual selves, as in the person living in that time period, must have a pretty fucked up life after they inevitably travel back to present day. Either there are a couple days of which they have no recollection or they’re aware that their bodies were invaded by themselves from the past or future. In which case, how exactly does that help them become successful musicians or entrepreneurs, as Corddry and Craig Robinson, his name is Craig Robinson, are?

What I mean is, think about yourself. What you’re capable of, what you could tell your past self if you were to travel back in time.

More than likely, it’s not much. You

could probably let 16-year-old you know that you shouldn’t date “X,” or you should spend more time applying for scholarships.

But could you tell them how

to make the iPhone 6?

There’s this entire implied idea in the Hot Tub Time Machine franchise that being a time traveler heading to the past gives you some sort of advanced knowledge. But if you were to travel back to 1832, would you be able to tell them how to make the telephone? Or build a car?

Even more depressing is the fact they are looking at their future selves. There is no implication that this time machine travels to different tangential universes and gives them a glimpse at a possible future, but not an exact one. In

fact, given that when they travel into the past they can only reach events which actually happened in the past, it can be assumed that the time machine travels along a linear timeline. That is, time is not malleable. It is a constant. The Americans will always win the Revolution, the Nazis will always lose, Rob Corddry will always lose his doogan. What is represented in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 is a nihilistic rendering of the nature of time. It is a cruel, uncaring bastard

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT THIS MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE.

giving those it rules over a false sense of free will, fueled only by ignorance of the course.

And those unfortunate souls given the curse of seeing the trail ahead are only offered a glimpse into the mouth of madness, as any action they take to circumvent this future is meaningless meandering into the depths of insanity.

I need to get out of this place.

I stumble up on my newborncalf legs while the sound of the lips smacking between two normal people on a normal date becomes the only sound I can hear. As I pass their seats I realize they are not even kissing. They could be brother and sister for all I know. I don’t know much.

WHAT I DO KNOW, AS I STAGGER THROUGH THE POPCORN-KERNELLITTERED CARPETS TOWARD THE SUN BLARING LIKE THE GATES OF HEAVEN THROUGH THE FRONT ENTRANCE, IS THAT IF THERE IS A GOD WRITING SCRIPTS FOR OUR EXISTENCES, HE PUBLISHED THE STORY AND ABANDONED US LONG AGO. Distorter 17

E F I L CKS! A H ITE

by

LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE. Let’s be perfectly honest with each other about this for once: aside from two to five minuscule things like love and friendship (which are already pretty overrated), life is just a relentless maelstrom of rejection and disappointment. When you sit down and really try to fabricate reasons to continue dragging out your pathetic existence, nine times out of ten all you’re left with is a gaping chasm where any semblance of a promising future used to be and an even larger sense of existential dread. You are an insignificant, utterly worthless piece of cosmic irrelevance that will die cold and alone with insurmountable debts to pay to those you burdened with your pitiful wants 18 Distorter

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and needs. Alone, you don’t stand a chance.

You need guidance, a hand in the dark to shepherd you toward something that even remotely resembles meaning in your shitlife. You need to cheat, and cheat as often as possible.

This is where Life Hacks come in. You might have seen these around on one of your 3:00 a.m. Tumblr binges, eyes glazed over in the soft blue glow of your laptop screen.

They’re handy, cute little tips designed to help bring some fleeting joy into your dayto-day life. They range from instructions on how to microwave two bowls at once to how to make your entire apartment smell like vanilla. Your mother probably posted one on your Facebook wall once in a not-so-subtle attempt to get you to call her, but you didn’t because, like, this semester has just been really hectic also can I borrow $200? While Life Hacks do succeed at trivial joy-inducing, they utterly lack actual practical relevance.

Sure, squeezing pancake batter out of an old ketchup bottle might bring some happiness into your life for a couple of minutes, but what happens when the pancakes are gone and you’re standing naked in your kitchen at four in the afternoon wondering exactly

where it all went so wrong?

Here are some Life Hacks that will genuinely make your life easier. These are guaranteed to inject a much-needed cocktail of drive, passion and substance into the femoral artery of your life: 1. LITERALLY JUST BREAK THE SPEED LIMIT ALL THE TIME. You should already be doing this every single day of your life. In fact, you probably already do to some degree, but not nearly to the extent that you need to in order to live like a damn human being. No one’s going to bat an eye when they see your Geo Metro cruising by at 18 in the 15-mph zone. A general rule of thumb for this one is to take the speed limit, double it and add 15. Sick of grinding to a near-halt at that school zone every morning on your commute? Nothing wows impressionable children more than endangering their precious little lives as you weave in between their tiny bodies at a cool 50 mph. The best part about this rule is that every time a cop pulls you over (and you should probably expect this to happen often — fascists), simply lower your reflective aviators an eighth of an inch, look

him or her directly in the eyes and say, “Hey, it’s cool, man.” The police officer will then immediately relinquish his or her badge and gun upon witnessing how cavalier you are about basic traffic laws and the lives of others. They have to, it’s the law. I’m a lawyer.

2. FIGHT EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Everyone is fighting their own little battles, which is why you should be actively getting in physical confrontations with complete strangers on a daily basis. Are you just going to let that guy, that chump, say “bless you” to your girlfriend when she sneezes at the movies? Who the hell does he think he is, talking to her like she’s an autonomous human being with thoughts and feelings?

Does he think he’s better than you? You’re telling me you aren’t going to climb over four rows of seats and teach this bozo a lesson in humility with a little help from the 20 rings currently lining your sausage-fingers? You didn’t steal that Regal Cinemas gift card from your stepdad just to have your moviewatching experience ruined by Mr. Johnnyis-Polite-to-Women. You should probably also start bench pressing shirtless in your parent’s front yard while blasting Hatebreed. Their neighbors will appreciate it. And if they don’t, maybe it’s time you introduced them to your fucking fists.

3. CONSTANTLY VIOLATE ZONING CODES. So you woke up today and decided that the time has finally come to build that hothouse in your backyard so you can kickstart your pineapple-growing business. But look, here comes ol’ Mr. Government to squash your fun, as always. “You can’t build that here, there are codes and regulations to follow,” he says, gold-flaked porridge dribbling down his endless chins as he shovels tax payers’ money into

a laughing furnace. “Now go fetch me a truncheon to murder this bald eagle with!”

The government knows that zoning codes are meaningless, just like the economy and insulin. For the sake of the citizens of this country, you and you alone must shatter this illusion. Build a thousand terraces in your backyard, and once the horizon is no longer visible, build ten thousand more.

Rest assured, nothing will be handed to you in this life. The only thing that is certain is your inevitable death and probably some ice cream somewhere in the middle. It’s up to you to steal everything your grubby hands can clasp. There’s an entire world of possibilities barking at your door, and all you need to do is gather the strength to lift yourself off the floor and go choke the life out of it. Hopefully these Life Hacks will set you on the path to a righteous future and you’ll find yourself years later in an above-ground pool full of foreign currency, a plump lobster tail in each hand.

If not, don’t call me from jail. We don’t know each other, you hear me?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PANCAKES ARE GONE AND YOU’RE STANDING NAKED IN YOUR KITCHEN AT FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON WONDERING EXACTLY WHERE IT ALL WENT SO WRONG?

Distorter 19

DO YOU

by Mnemosyne | design by Edna Mode | illustration by Bud Light

A

re you a college student? Do you go to RIT? How do you like it? What year are you? Why did you pick RIT? Was it because of the classes? Or the co-op program? Did they give you a lot of scholarships?

Or is Gracie’s the reason you came here?

Why are you in college? Are you here because your parents want you to get a degree?

Did you need a few more years before entering “the real world?” Or did you come here to learn?

What is learning? How can we take information from one person and give it to multiple people? Doesn’t that just blow your mind?

What is blowing your mind? Is it possible for your mind to actually explode, or is it just an expression?

Aren’t brains weird? If all our thoughts and memories are stored there, then are we really just brains? Do we live inside of our brains?

Are our bodies just things that our brains live inside? Like really complicated houses?

Aren’t our bodies awesome? Don’t they have the coolest features, like digestion? And hair?

What about our hands? Have you ever looked at your hands and wiggled them around? Aren’t hands awesome? How do so many little parts work together perfectly? How does that even happen? Was it evolution that gave us hands or some big person in the sky?

Why do people think their God lives in the sky? Wouldn’t we have seen Them by

SHALL WE GET BACK TO THE POINT?

20 Distorter

now? Or maybe They’re invisible? Isn’t that a scary thought? How do we know They’re not right above us right now, watching us walk to classes? Could They be watching us when we’re sleeping? How about when we’re awake? Don’t people say God knows if we’ve been bad or good? Doesn’t that sound like Santa Claus?

Is God Santa Claus?

If Santa Claus isn’t God, how is he still alive? Wouldn’t Kris Kringle have died a long time ago? Is the fountain of youth in the North Pole or is he surviving because of elf magic? What about the Easter Bunny?

What is the Easter Bunny? Is it a giant anthropomorphic bunny? Or some immortal guy in a bunny suit? Why does he leave eggs?

Does that mean he’s a giant mutant rabbit that lays eggs all the time? Aren’t holiday figures weird? How did we ever come up with a giant bunny for a holiday or a tiny fairy that buys our teeth? Why does the Tooth Fairy even want our teeth?

Is it for some weird black market deal? Are we all just black market mules for fairies?

Why is it called the black market? Why not the illegal market? What about the trade of illegal goods is “black?” Why not the white market? Or the blue market? Don’t you think the people for sale in the market are feeling blue? That was dark, wasn’t it? Do you think that’s why it’s called the black market, because it’s so dark? Where does the black market even happen? When you think of a market, what do you picture? Wegmans? The Public Market? Marketplace Mall? So why is it called a market? Do you think they have different isles for different goods? Are the human organs next to the heroin or the elephant tusks? What about organic and non-organic?

Don’t you think we’ve gotten a bit distracted? Shall we get back to the point? Are you a college student? Why’d you pick RIT? Isn’t it such a great school? Isn’t college amazing?

Isn’t everything amazing? How wonderful is the world we live in? Aren’t we so blessed to be alive?

But seriously, is God Santa Claus?

by Cunt Blacula | design by Beyoncé | illustration by Shibby-Sama

R

IT is known for its long-storied past of brutal lake-effect winters. From December to March we are battered with snow and sub-zero temperatures, but we have one savior: our champion RIT Plowing team.

The RIT Plowing Team has been the National Champion since 1983. They are the number-one plowing team in the world, beating out the Soviet Union and Canada every year. RIT has a plowing record that is almost perfect.

“Yeah, we’re pretty much the best,” said Mason Cummings, seventh year Sexual Education and Women’s Studies major. Cummings has lead the team to numerous victories in his last five years on the team.

This year, Cummings plowed his way to victory. His incomparable technique and unbridled skill with a plow that can’t be ignored. He made his way into the Plowing Hall of Fame in February after the brutal winter storm that struck campus with temperatures of 32 degrees below zero and an unfortunate epidemic of rock-hard nipples. He and his loyal plowers managed to plow the entire campus clean in a single morning. There were no complaints, and people were raving about the amazingly safe walkways and completely snow-free parking lots. Future Interpretive Dance major Dan C. Fiend would not shut the hell up about how excited he was.

“I just can’t believe it. I can dance without falling!” Dan said while twirling in a fanatically flamboyant manner around me. I attempted to move away and he followed me in a flurry of leaps, all of which were perfect landings on the dry, freshly-plowed asphalt — evidence of impeccable plowing skill.

harshly against the ground when I fall. Thank you for plowing me, RIT Plowing Team!”

Fiend raved.

After that unwanted interruption, I visited the site of the RIT Plow-A-Thon, which is a combination charity event and fundraiser.

All donations go to the official western New York chapter of the Plowers and Distributors of Ice Chipping Knowledge (P-DICK), an organization that aims to raise awareness of the importance of plowing to the human experience. They host plowing events, plow seminars and even run a “Get Plowed Quick” plowing service. P-DICK wants everyone to know that with regular plowing, winters are safe and fun and sore nipples are a thing of the past. RIT has hosted

“WE GO HARD, AND WE GO RAW.”

this event for the past 32 years as a part of their duty as reigning champions and chapter founders, and this year raised a banging $69,000.

The keynote speaker for the Plow-A-Thon this year was former team captain Dirk T. Sanchez. His speech was full of uplifting stories and quotes, but one short monologue caught my attention. He started off with a bit of information we already knew. You know, the standard “RIT has the best plowing skills in the world” and “Cummings soon will be recruited by international plowers everywhere,” but the part that hit home was this: “Whether it was plowing at night in alleyways with strangers, having a quickie plow session in the gym or practicing my plowing technique while my girlfriend diligently watched every day, I always took it one step further to come in at number one.”

The sheer determination we see in Sanchez is exactly what our team has, and what has taken us so far. Our skills in the plowing department have not gone unnoticed, and will continue to shine through. The Plowing Team’s admirable grit is truly a testament to their team motto: “We go hard, and we go raw.”

Plow on, boys. Plow on.

If you would like to use the “Get Plowed Quick” service offered by the P-DICK, call them at 1-(800)-WeP-lowU to set up your first plowing session for free!

“The RIT Plowing Team has changed my life! No more will my nipples scrape Distorter 21

IT’S NOT COLD IF YOU CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING

by Joe Mahmah | design by Amy Winehouse | illustration by Clementine Krushinski

ROCHESTER IS COLD,SO GET YOUR NERVE ENDINGS REMOVED.

T

hink about it: you can’t get cold if you can’t feel anything. Not only that, but you’ll never hurt yourself stubbing your toe or feel what it’s like to hold your own son or daughter or to have sex. Not that it’s important, you go to RIT; you’re not having sex anyway.

This procedure is seriously expensive and not covered by Obamacare. Fortunately, RIT administration has you covered. If you’ve been wondering about that 3.8 percent increase in tuition, every member of administration was required to get the procedure done.

As President Wrestler said in the Institute Council meeting for March, “I’m glad to announce that the procedure was done safely and effectively. I literally streaked my way into my office and didn’t feel a thing.”

Dick Hardman of the Board of Trustees says the adjustment was initially uncomfortable. “It’s rather difficult at first, but you get used to it as time goes on,” Hardman said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “I can’t taste this anymore, but I believe it makes me look more official and relatable.”

“I feel like one of the hardest challenges to overcome is my clumsiness,” Hardman said as he spilled coffee into his lap. “I notice sometimes that I run into things or spill them without knowing.” Hardman looked down.

“Oh, look at that. Can’t feel a thing.”

David Chap, a member of the Strategic Planning Committee, also commented: “The only problem I’ve encountered so far is that I’m unable to tell how fast I’m going because I can’t feel the pedal. Not that it matters too much anyway, I’m already speeding whenever I come here.”

The procedure has prevented the possibility of a snow day, something many students have been hopefully anticipating for months.

Facilities Manager Joseph Krabs believes the 22 Distorter

move is smart. “Well, here you have a bunch of kids wanting to get the day off so they can ‘take marijuana’ or whatever. It’s sickening. I don’t care if two got hypothermia and another is seriously hospitalized, they should’ve slept in the library.”

An activist group on campus has already taken a stand against the policy, believing it to be unjust toward students and those who can’t afford the procedure. Second year Computer Science major Hugh Jazz cites the rising disparity between the rich and poor.

“It’s unfair, man. First they turn off the fire in Global Village, next they get a procedure done so they don’t have to deal with the cold.

It leaves us students completely on our own.”

Another student, fourth year Marketing major Jessica Weiner, believes the funds that went to the procedure were ill-obtained. “I think it’s bullshit … I thought [administration] spending $40,000 a year on balloons alone was bad enough. Are they gonna ask for an arm and a leg next?”

The activist group, “Cold Balls,” has organized multiple protests at RIT and in Henrietta. The group calls for a reversal of the procedure and for snow days “whenever we don’t really feel like doing shit.”

Terry Arschloch of the Student Affairs department retaliated against the activists. “If you all weren’t poor, you wouldn’t have to deal with the cold.”

The lack of snow days has forced many students to find ways to stay warm. The already busy-as-balls Student Alumni Union (SAU) building has become the equivalent of the subway during rush hour. Those brave enough to not take the shortcut and go in between Eastman and the SAU are absolutely fucking crazy.

The action by RIT’s administration has spread to other New York campuses as well.

New York University’s president attempted

the procedure, but the operation was not a success.

If you’re like me, whenever winter rears its ugly head, you’re ready to turn tail and head home. College is hard enough, my nipples shouldn’t be the same way.

Interpretive Dance

by Seymour Butts | photography by Princess Consuela Banana Hammock | design by MeiMei

“IF I COULD DANCE TO, ON OR AT ANYONE INSTEAD OF TALKING TO THEM, I WOULD,” said Dan C. Fiend, soon to be the first-ever Interpretive Dance student at RIT, before refusing to answer any of my following questions without exaggerated body movements.

Fiend is very excited to start the year in one of RIT’s newest and most innovative majors not yet offered anywhere else in the country. Newly instated under the American Sign Language (ASL) and Interpreting Education Department in NTID, this bachelor’s program will allow students and faculty to work together in order to develop a new form of communication to bridge the gap between those who hear and those who are hard-of-hearing or deaf.

“We did it before when we developed C-print as a speech-to-text technology. Now we are developing something that is speech-to-full-body-movement,” explained Dr. Mo V. Meant, the professor who has taken the initial steps of developing the new program in recent months.

“I always felt that words, sounds and letters were such an outdated way of conversing,” danced Fiend.

Meant and other faculty within the new

program seem to agree with this perspective.

“I’ve heard that over 70 percent of communication is through body language.

Now we are trying to make that 100 percent,” he expanded.

TESTING Through initial classroom tests with Fiend’s moves and a combination of hearing, hard-of-hearing and deaf students, Meant has been able to gain some rough data about how this form of communication will work when it starts being used in the mainstream.

Feedback has been collected from students and professors alike. “I like watching the dance much more than listening to the professor,” said hearing student Lacy But, third year University Studies student. “It’s more entertaining. I’m not always sure what is being said through the dance, but either way, Dan’s moves can be pretty impressive.”

This perspective, shared by many students, has raised some concern from professors who not only want more students paying attention to the PowerPoints they’ve spent weeks developing and decorating with clip art, but who have also raised concerns that students may not be absorbing the main points discussed in class.

“I would love to watch a dance show, too,” said Professor Bo C. Pants. “But I have a lesson to teach, and students have a lesson to learn, and I don’t want to worry about being grand battement-ed in the shin again while trying to accomplish that.”

Nonetheless, the majority of students who have had their classes interpreted through dance have responded positively to the experience. The opinions of the minority were considered biased due to these students’ close calls or full collisions with Fiend’s flailing limbs.

GREATNESS THROUGH DIFFERENCE RIT administrator Ian Charge explained that the development of this major adheres to the Institute’s mission: to achieve greatness though difference.

“I guess my major goes with RIT’s mission,” agreed Fiend. “I mean, every time I tell people I’m going to school for interpretive dance they say, ‘That’s different.’ And there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s a great thing.”

Many students agree with this, including both the students who look forward to watching the classes and those with the passion to dance.

“My department has always said that interpreting is a fascinating, challenging and rapidly-expanding field that offers an endless variety of opportunities and rich linguistic and cultural experiences,” Meant said. “The addition of Interpretive Dance to our program is just another way that interpreting, at least at RIT, is expanding and incorporating more forms of culture.”

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THOUGHTS I HAD WHILE TRIPPING

by The Baddest Bitch | design by MeiMei | illustration by Bud Light

“W

hy would anyone willingly put this in their mouth?” I ask myself as I smell the foul-looking mushrooms sitting in my hand. The drugs look daunting, and I’m concerned about how I will react to taking shrooms for the first time. I read up on the drugs beforehand, and I have a sober friend with me to ensure that I am safe and taken to the hospital if I have a bad reaction. I look fearfully at my friend during my long pause of consideration.

“Just pinch your nose and don’t chew them too much,” he says with a straight face, as if this was groundbreaking advice. “The more you chew, the worse they taste, and the harder they are to actually swallow.”

I nod fearfully and check to make sure that the glasses of water and orange juice are indeed full so that I have some sort of liquid to wash down these dry, cow-turd-scented potpourri pieces with. I take a deep breath, count to three in my head and toss all of the mushrooms into my mouth.

I slowly begin chewing, which did indeed make the mushrooms taste even worse. A cross between chewing dirt and some indescribable, horrible-smelling baby’s diaper, mushrooms are not something I can see myself snacking on often. Finally, through gags and retches, I force the mushrooms down my throat.

Grabbing the orange juice and gulping excitedly, I look at my friend, who had tripped on mushrooms beforehand.

“Just give it a few minutes,” he reassured me. “In maybe 30 minutes or so you’ll start to feel it.”

I sit back and start to relax, waiting impatiently to feel different. All of a sudden, a sort of warmth starts to spread over my body. I look around the room, which sunny and open, surprised by how beautiful everything looks and my lack of realization of this beauty beforehand. Everything warm and exciting and funny. I suddenly start to giggle uncontrollably while my friend smiles knowingly.

It was starting.

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Wouldn’t it be great to be a mozzarella stick?

Maybe it’s because I feel so warm and comfy and mushy-feeling inside, but I can’t get the visual of gooey mozzarella out of my head.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just be some hot, melted cheese in a warm-breaded cocoon? Of course it wouldn’t if someone were to eat you or something, but imagine up to that point.

Cheese is so wonderful, especially when it’s melted. And mozzarella sticks are so wonderful as well. All I want now is to be a mozzarella stick, specifically the cheese in a mozzarella stick. I don’t think a mozzarella stick really has to worry about job interviews or keeping grades up. I admit that I don’t know much about mozzarella stick culture. Maybe they’d find it racist if I just thought they were lazy, fried bits of breadcrumbs and cheese lounging on TGI Friday’s plates. “Cheesist.”

How did the first person find the “Friends” theme song?

I’ve only ever heard the “Friends” theme song on “Friends.” I’ve never heard it on the radio or anything. I don’t even know who sings it. How did the first person hear this song?

How did they come to the conclusion that this was the song that would brand this television series forever?

How does anyone find those random theme songs, like the one for “The Office?” That’s not even an actual song, it’s just instruments. What is the process for these sorts of things?

Does anyone else see the water dripping on the ceiling?

I’m looking up at my ceiling while sitting down and I swear I see water dripping. It’s running along the ceiling, dripping. I want to touch it but I don’t want to look weird.

But that water is definitely real, right? If my imagination was going to start hallucinating something, it wouldn’t be that the roof was dripping, would it? What if all roofs are leaking at all times, but you need to be tripping just hard enough to see it?

Why is orange juice sweeter than the actual orange?

No explanation needed.

The water is definitely real.

It has been answered: the water is real.

I feel it dripping on my head.

Unless I’m imagining that, too.

When did I stop doing somersaults for fun?

When I was a kid I used to roll around and somersault and go crazy all the time. What makes us stop that? Why can’t we still somersault when we’re in college? MY DEGREE DOES NOT MEAN I SHOULDN’T SOMERSAULT. Keep calm and somersault on, man.

By the way, somersault is one of those words that loses all meaning after saying it five times. It could mean anything.

Shakers of salt chilling on the beach.

All I want to do now is frolic.

Because the weather in dreary Rochester has finally broken, my friend and I make our way outside to get rid of some of the crazy energy that I have. I start running, doing cartwheels and skipping. I miss being this carefree. Shoutout to RIT for making me one lame-ass responsible person. I just want to be a kid and trip all the time!

I’m getting paranoid.

Everyone can tell that I’m tripping.

My friend and I make our way back inside.

This is what adulthood feels like.

Why am I whispering?

My friend has told me that I’m whispering, but I feel like I’m talking so loud. I have to be quieter. You know how sometimes people tell you that you’re being loud? Imagine how ants must feel. Even me whispering me must be like a jet engine to them. All city ants must have severe inner-ear trauma. I’m sorry, I really am.

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ROCHESTERIANS TO MAYOR:

IT'S TIME FOR US TO MOVE

by Dan Glysack | design by Beyoncé | illustration by Beyoncé

T

here is not a doubt in anybody’s mind that this past winter was cold as fuck. RIT’s Facilities Management Services (FMS) had all but given up on clearing Siberian hell-scape from the sludgy snow. Though spring has officially arrived, there’s no guarantee we’re in the clear yet.

Most people from the Rochester region have collectively agreed that we cannot and will not put up with another winter of our discontent next year.

This past weekend, about 700 Rochesterians gathered outside of City Hall to show support for Rochester Mayor Personable Warren’s plan to cede control and location of our fair city to the Sunshine State of Florida. Similar to Patrick in the hit television show “Spongebob Squarepants,” the basic concept is that we need to take Rochester and move it somewhere else. The main bulk of this petitioned movement was planned by students at RIT who have just about had enough with this wintery bullshit.

RIT Student Body President RayChell Carinturn was quoted as saying, “Though we understand that Florida is made up primarily of white trash on the panhandle, old folks in the middle and fist-pumping guidos in the south, we are willing to take the risk if we don’t need to put up with this cold for another god-damned winter.”

The main source of Carinturn’s anguish comes from the decision not to close the RIT campus during the snow shitstorm earlier this year. RIT’s President William Wrestler, who is famous for the invention of the weather machine, is not fazed by the cold. In fact, he thrives on it. Wrestler is very big into renewable energy. During the winter months, the Earth is closer to the sun, and hence his solar panels get more sunlight. Though the opposition by Wrestler and his wrinkly crones is strong, Warren is not going to go down without a fight.

Though she does not yet have official word from the City Council as to whether or not we can in fact move rusty old Ra-Cha-Cha,

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“THOUGH WE UNDERSTAND THAT FLORIDA IS MADE UP PRIMARILY OF WHITE TRASH ON THE PANHANDLE, OLD FOLKS IN THE MIDDLE AND FIST-PUMPING GUIDOS IN THE SOUTH, WE ARE WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK IF WE DON’T NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS COLD FOR ANOTHER GOD-DAMNED WINTER.” she is urging all residents to start throwing out any unnecessary belongings to make the chore of pushing Rochester down the Eastern Seaboard easier. Fortunately, because Rochester is a dying city that is constantly losing residents, we shouldn’t have to deal with moving too many people. In fact, evidence has recently come to light that the demise of Kodak was a plan to decrease the city’s population for this move. Who knew?

As this movement progresses to its climax, we all just need to buckle down and hope the dandruff of God stops falling down upon us. When the time for the great exodus does come, remember one thing Rochester — lift with your knees and not your back.

TO SECEDE OR NOT TO SECEDE THAT IS THE QUESTION

by Robert Jones | design by Dr. Mantis Toboggan | illustration by Anita Lyfe

I

n the aftermath of the brutally cold winter of 2015, which included the coldest February on record that Rochester has ever experienced, there has been much discussion over ways to survive the freezing weather. One of the possible solutions that has resulted in equal amounts of derision and enthusiasm is a petition filed to secede Rochester from New York to Florida. This begs the question: Does the superhero called Earthquakeman, who can move cities from place to place, really exist, or does he live in the petitioner’s fantasy?

The idea, like so many other pointless and idiotic ones, originally surfaced on RIT PawPrints, RIT’s premiere website for student petitions and online (read: couch potato) activism. Richie Stones, a sixth year student from the Department of Meteorology, fed up with having to rewrite his project report every time the temperature fluctuated, decided to take matters into his own hands and filed a petition on PawPrints to move Rochester to the much warmer state of Florida.

WAS THE MAYOR’S OFFICE CONSPIRING TO KEEP SECRET AN IMPORTANT PART OF PUBLIC RECORD? The idea gained momentum after a particularly cold Monday when the population was divided by the temperature, much like the blue-black/white-gold debate, into people who like cold and people who hate it. Suspiciously, the former comprised most of the students at RIT. Whether it was a ploy by the utterly lazy RIT student body to try and get

an extra day off or not remains unconfirmed.

While RIT refuses to budge on snow days, the petition has continued to find support in unlikely quarters. A source in the mayor’s office revealed that the administration is seriously debating the move, while being simultaneously concerned about potential resulting pitfalls.

When pressed further, the source managed to smuggle a document out of the office on a flash drive, crediting Edward Snowden for the inspiration. Distorter can now exclusively reveal that the mayor’s office has been secretly safeguarding itself against a move to Florida.

Unsurprisingly, Mayor Personable Warren jumped to her own defense and blasted the attempts as being short-sighted. “Seceding into Florida is a temporary solution to the cold weather. Accepting the move would open the door to similar petitions in the future. What next? Moving to Seattle when Florida becomes too hot in July? Los Angeles in September?

Sooner or later, we would end up overseas, potentially somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.

It would be a bureaucratic nightmare to organize passport and international travel documents for that number of people every four months, not to mention that it would lead to increased illegal immigration. The City of Rochester is determined to do everything possible to stop that.”

RIT’s administration remains torn on the issue, even though University of Rochester has come out in support of the move. RIT’s reluctance boils down to the lower tax rates in Florida. “We are committed to maintaining a standard of education that offers our students the best value for their money. Unfortunately, that standard requires heavy investment, and having to pay lower taxes doesn’t go well with the policy of hiking tuition,” read a statement from the administration’s office.

Of course, not all members of the community are in opposition. In an interview, Dexter

Morgan, a former blood analyst with the Miami Police Department said, “I used to live in Miami with my son. Sadly, a family emergency required me to leave the state. I miss the sun and the surf.”

Touchingly, Morgan teared up at that point, making further inquiry impossible. His poignant tale of heartbreaking loss changed my mind as well. We must support Rochester seceding to Florida. For a sad father and for the unfortunate student who wants nothing more than to complete his project report.

RIT’S RELUCTANCE BOILS DOWN TO THE LOWER TAX RATES IN FLORIDA, WHICH MIGHT LEAD TO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS IN THE STUDENTS FOR A DROP IN TUITION FEES.

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PAWPRINTS: SOME HONEST RESPONSES

by Francis Scott Coollove | design by Amy Winehouse | illustration by Clementine Krushinski

The following statements were leaked from an undisclosed source. They were written in response to petitions on the website PawPrints, but were apparently never published. The veracity of the following has yet to be confirmed.

“ WE SHOULD HAVE MORE BUTTER PECAN ICE CREAM. I LIKE BUTTER PECAN ICE CREAM.” I would love to have a life in which ice cream flavors are the central cause of my angst, but being born with a functioning frontal lobe kind of complicates that. But let’s say we fix your problem and give you all of the ice cream your little heart desires. You would be happy for five minutes, and then you’d go right back to PawPrints and whine about wanting rainbow sprinkles or cookies or whatever other diabetes- inducing shit you so pine for. Do you know what poverty-stricken families in Angola do when they want butter pecan ice cream? Nothing, because they don’t fucking have it. So not only should you be happy with the ice cream flavors that you have. You should be grateful that the administration feeds you, because you seem to have

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the self-agency of a limbless infant. Just go to Wegman’s or Target or literally any grocery store in the Western Hemisphere and buy your own fucking ice cream. You’d like RIT to give you butter pecan ice cream? I’d like for people to practice safe sex, but you’re here so it’s a little late for that.

“ THE WIFI IS BAD. THIS IS A PRESSING ISSUE. I WANT BETTER WIFI.” Do you even know what you’re saying?

The internet is a miracle, and it’s being wasted on you and that is a tragedy. There’s unlimited information on it, and yet you choose to remain ignorant and childish. Instead of bitching about of your League of Legends game lagging, take a step away from your computer and really think about importance of what you’re doing. Go outside.

Call your mom. “But I need the internet for homework!” you might protest. But if the bandwidth you use on a daily basis were proportional to the importance of what you were doing, you would be doing Nobel Prizewinning research instead of binge-watching

“Friends” and downloading Estonian balloon porn. Here’s a life hack, just for you: instead of starting a petition, why don’t you just pretend it’s the 90s and that you’re not a whiny little shit?

“ NOT ONLY IS ICE SLIPPERY, BUT IT FORMS ON THE GROUND! I EXPECT AN IMMEDIATE CHANGE.” Thank you for your spirited concern. I would advise you to speak to your councilor about transferring to a school that’s not so cold, dumbass.

Let me get this straight: you intentionally move to Rochester, one of the coldest and snowiest cities in the continental US, and you complain about ice in the winter time?

Do you complain about dampness when you go swimming? Do you put scissors in your mouth and complain how salty the taste of blood is?

Stop me if I’m assuming too much, but I think at some point in your life you looked at a map and thought to yourself, “Hey, I’m going to college in upstate New York.” If the existence of ice is so troubling to you, you could have went to one of the thousands of schools in one of the dozens of states where it does not snow. We all go here. Do you know how we’re not all sacks of bruises and broken bones? We don’t step on the ice. Sorry if watching where you step is too much for your mental faculties to handle.

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A FUCKING

by Lenny Fattitz | design by Beyoncé

WORD

CROSS

DOWN 1 You own, or associate with someone who owns, a My Little Pony t-shirt, poster or any sort of memorabilia 2 You’ve used the phrase “I think I’m just going to travel when I graduate” 4 You don’t want to rely entirely on raiding campus events for free pizza 5 You pay over $30,000 a year to go here and just want to park on campus for free?

7 You’re pretty sure you’ll have an aneurysm if you hear someone sing “Do You Wanna Build a Fucking Snowman” one more time 8 You just want to have a conversation that isn’t about fucking anime 9 Asking for an extension on a deadline 10 You didn’t want to sit next to the kid in the trench coat who reeks of stale pipe tobacco 13 What every intern recruiter who’s ever seen your resume thinks 15 What your mother thinks every fucking time she sees you 16 What your professor thinks of your in-class debate points 17 You decided on a Political Science major and are very adept at convincing people why that’s better than a Philosophy major ACROSS 3 You actually are doing this puzzle 6 You carry an umbrella when it's not even fucking raining 11 You actually kinda want to wear a fucking fedora sometimes 12 Not planning on being in debt for life?

14 You decided on a Philosophy major 18 You wish you didn't know the exact time frame it takes condoms to expire 19 What the guy at Java's thinks when you order your stupid, complex ass drink 20 You just want to wear a T-shirt and shorts 21 You just want to eat a decent meal without spending your last $5 22 You carry an umbrella, like you're too good to get wet or something. Asshole.

23 Asking out that girl in the “Dr. Who” T-Shirt who seems just nerdy enough to not have too high of standards 24 What Destler thinks of your fucking scholarship requests 25 What everyone else thinks of your in-class debate points 26 What you should do

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GRANDPA DISCOVERS RINGS

by Lindsey Graham's Unread Email Address | design by Edward Spoonhands | illustration by Corn on the Cob

Disclaimer: The Rings found here were responded to unknowingly by an elderly individual. Distorter is currently investigating this high breach of security. The dates have either been lost or fabricated.

7:17 p.m. [Text] I think I just made a deep spiritual connection with my overturned laundry basket.

10:35 a.m. [Text]

Grandpa: Jim, in my moments of emotional turmoil, I think back to my golden years in the War of 1812: we taught those British candy asses what for and reminded them that we never lose at war. Tell that laundry to turn itself back over!

1:03 p.m. [Text] Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough

5:21 a.m. [Text]

Grandpa: I said this to your Grandmama once.

A cactus moved us out of Arizona.

1:13 p.m. [Call] Rings, I don’t understand, what’s with all these text messages all the time? Why can’t we go back to having phone calls for like, nostalgia? Like Power Rangers in the ‘90s?

6:03 a.m. [Burning semaphore flags while on top of a unicycle]

Grandpa: That’s what I would like to know! I still think phones are a fad. If you agree, please respond back using burning semaphore flags while on top of a unicycle. Now that was efficient communication!

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?

CAN YOU MATCH WHAT WE WERE LOOKING AT 1. A GIF of a duck erection 2. Severe blackhead removal 3. Gaping open sore so big you can see someone’s teeth through their cheek 4. An animation video containing giraffes in a sac race 5. A girl in a schoolgirl outfit who is concealing a penis 6. The hairiest toes you have ever seen

7. An animation video containing a man roller-skating on lizards

13. A horrible case of frost bite on someone’s foot

8. A video of a severe cavity filling, up close and personal

14. A note asking Nathan to go on a date with the photographer

9. Weiner dogs dressed up as cops

15. Mangoworms being extracted from a dogs paw

10. The worst case of nail biting you have ever seen 11. A woman who charges money to crush men with her enormous breasts 12. A cow eating a baby chick

16. A natural birth being performed by the mother herself in the great outdoors on a yoga mat 17. The weirdest GIF containing cartoon cows coming out of a toilet and multiplying