F
or Halloween, I’ve compiled a list of the great monsters
that have scared me the most. This is not a list of the typical monsters that would generally show up on such a compilation (Dracula, the Mummy, Shia LaBeouf). These are the monsters that gave me, specifically, the heebie-jeebies. I am weird, so, consequently, some of my selections are weird.
B ruce
(from Jaws): Bruce, the pet name Spielberg gave to his great white shark star, is unrelenting, unhinged and totally unsympathetic. There’s a friendly nude lady swimmer helplessly alone? He’ll eat her. How about a little boy minding his own business on his inflatable raft thing? Lunch. Dogs? Brunch. Some crusty dude who amazingly survived the shark apocalypse that was the Indianapolis? His date with a shark’s gullet has finally come. Bruce is my winner for all time movie monster.
K ing K ong :
The original King Kong was just a puppet, but, man, that thing was nasty when you took a bunch of pictures of him and edited them together. The dude was biting people’s heads off and smooshing them into the ground with his feet all the way back in 1933! I’ll also
give props to the Peter Jackson incarnation, a tremendously effective use of CGI. Rick Baker’s ape suit in the 1976 remake was OK, but that giant robot one in the same movie was stupid.
M ichael Myers
(Halloween): Some white spray paint, a storebought William Shatner mask, some overalls; put them together, and “Voila!” you get the all-time greatest psycho stalker. John Carpenter’s slasher movie has never been topped in the genre, and I doubt it ever will be. His take on this monster is the only one that matters. Rob Zombie should be ashamed of himself.
Wilford B riMley
(The Thing): John Carpenter’s creature took on many guises in one of the scariest movies ever made, but none was more terrifying than the infected
oatmeal spokesperson, Wilford Brimley. Remember that moment where he shoved his hand in a friend’s mouth and just started melting his face? I do, and I wish I didn’t. When I watch The Firm, I like to pretend that the evil security guy played by Wilford Brimley is actually the Thing-infected Wilford Brimley.
The X enoMorphs
(The first two Alien movies): Acid for blood, extending teeth things, those big-assed heads. Structurally, these things are everything you wouldn’t want to encounter at a party. Also, basically, they are not very nice at all.
c ave c reaTures
(The Descent): The cavemen who never left the cave. They are an ancient race of bat-like cannibals who eat girls and ruin their spelunking expedition.
B ill paXTon
(Near Dark): This is my choice for scariest vampire, although the original Nosferatu and those things in Salem’s Lot score high for me. Gary Oldman was a little too romantic as Dracula, and Bela Legosi always made me laugh. Nope, Paxton’s punk rock vampire in Kathryn Bigelow’s forgotten classic gets my vote for creepiest bloodsucker.
The r ancor
(Return of the Jedi): It almost ate Luke Skywalker, and it definitely ate the Gamorrean Guard. Bit that sucker’s head right off. Scared me a lot more than the stupid Sarlacc Pit.
B oB
(Twin Peaks): Great monsters sometimes appeared on TV first. The actor who played the murderous Bob (Frank Silva)
MONSTER HITS Halloween costume ideas? The RN&R film critic picks his favorite movie monsters.
By B oB g riMM
ILLUSTRATION BY BRIAN BRENEMAN
16 | RN&R |
OCTOBER 30, 2014
