Think Free
Bad harem day
90 Auto Center Dr. • 852-4010
28 | RN&R |
MAY 15, 2014
I’m 30, and I’ve been married to my sweet, beautiful wife for three years. I am a bartender at a club and have numerous opportunities to cheat dangled in front of me. After coming close on several occasions, I finally told my wife I wasn’t happy, and we separated three months ago as a prelude to divorce. I moved in with a friend and started taking advantage of my new single life. However, it’s already getting old. I miss my wife and her intelligence and our connection. How do I start the conversation with her about getting back together? Even couples who keep having sex almost never have it as hot—or as regularly—as they did at the start. Part of the problem is the way we view monogamy—as the inevitable next step after falling in love. It’s just assumed that a couple will be sexually faithful for a lifetime. There’s typically no discussion of how, exactly, they’ll accomplish that or even of whether they can. Of course, for many people—women especially—there is no acceptable alternative to monogamy. “Open marriage, honey?” Right. You may as well suggest, “You know, we should spend the afternoon disemboweling squirrels.” Also, many people mistakenly believe that a happy and loving marriage is a magical fidelity wand that wards off the temptation to wander. Infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, in Not ‘Just Friends,’ calls this a “misconception … not supported by any research,” though it is commonly cited on TV and in self-help books as a way to “affair-proof your marriage.”
Additionally, some people seem to have a biological and psychological profile that makes them more prone to long for the sexual variety pack. One factor in this is being high in what psychologist Marvin Zuckerman calls “sensation seeking”—craving novel, varied and intense sensations and experiences and being willing to take risks to get them. Sensation seeking has repeatedly been associated with high testosterone, and men with high testosterone tend to divorce more often and have more sex partners. This isn’t to say these factors are an excuse for cheating. (“Biology made me do it!”) You ultimately have the ability to make choices—difficult as that may be in the moment when you’re feeling very much like a penis-controlled robot. Sure, you miss your wife now, but if you get her back, will you start pining for the parade of bar floozies? Testosterone does decline significantly with age, as does sensation seeking, so you may find monogamy more doable at 40 than you do at 30. Assuming your wife, like most women, requires monogamy, what you owe her is honesty about the trouble you have with it so she can decide whether she’s willing to put herself in harm’s way. If you do get back together, talk about what you both need to do to avoid temptation (like, for you, maybe finding a job where you aren’t surrounded by hot drunk girls flashing you their thong for free drinks). Ω
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica,CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
