AUTUmN oN THE biG SCrEEN
Fall movies have a big job—making up for summer’s cinematic sins by bob Grimm |
bgri mm@ news re vie w .c o m
blAir WiTCH (SEpT. 16) They are cranking up this franchise again, which means more people pissing on walls and more stick figures in the woods. Seriously though, this one has promise—and might actually deliver on the creepy premise that was only slightly scary in the original and completely stupid in the sequel.
bridGET JoNES’S bAby (SEpT. 16) Shamefully, the attention will surely focus upon Renee Zellweger’s face and whether or not it’s been surgically altered rather than the actual contents of this film. I think she looks pretty good. Everybody shut up.
SNoWdEN (SEpT. 16) It’s a controversial subject, so Oliver Stone must address it, right? Next up for Stone after Oh, the autumn. A this: The Kitten Who Liked time for apple cider … a time Clowns and Bundt Cake, for burning leaves in the backyard and a heartwarming tale of a scaring the shit out of your dog … a time kitten who conspires to for shooting last year’s unwanted boots stuffed assassinate a unicorn with dead mice and rocks out of a cannon and into with the help of circus your neighbor’s swimming pool, forcing them to dive friends. Or did the into really cold water in order to fish them out, thus kitten act alone? hampering their efforts to cover the damn thing. Hmm … It’s my favorite time of the year. It’s also a time for going to the movies with hope for THE mAGNifiCENT better cinematic explorations. Autumn is the intellectual SEvEN (SEpT. 23) antidote for big, dumb summer movies. Hopefully, this autumn will please that part of your brain that likes This one falls into things that go boom, too, because, man, the blockthat rare category of busters this past summer sucked. “Remakes That Might Below is a listing of highlights coming Be Worth a Dick.” Denzel your way before the end of the year. It’s Washington and Chris Pratt frivolous in parts. That’s how I put on their six shooters and roll. I have issues. travel with five other guys to blaze away at bad dudes. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children
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dEEpWATEr HorizoN (SEpT. 30) Mark Wahlberg is on an oil platform in the middle of the ocean when the bastard blows up. I’m thinking this development upsets his character a tad.
miSS pErEGriNE’S HomE for pECUliAr CHildrEN (SEpT. 30) This is a Tim Burton movie, so I’m thinking it will feature a lot of palefaced people with darkness around their eyes and a Danny Elfman soundtrack. Good lord, I’m wrong! No Elfman! That’s weird!
THE Girl oN THE TrAiN (oCT. 7) Emily Blunt tries to apologize for The Huntsman: Winter’s War with this mystery about a girl who sees something, and might not be firing on all mental cylinders.
THE birTH of A NATioN (oCT. 7) Not to be confused with 1915’s The Birth of a Nation, one of the more fiercely racist, moronic films ever made. (I don’t care if it’s considered a classic. It belongs in the garbage can.) This one, about a slave uprising, was directed by Nate Parker, who is having a rough time in the press these days.
THE ACCoUNTANT (oCT. 14) Ben Affleck travels the globe doing dirty books for terrible people. At night, he puts on tights and a cowl and drives around in this thing called the Batmobile. No, wait …
