12 | The CNM Chronicle
FEATURE
March 26, 2013
Safe, sane and consensual: Exploring the world of BDSM
The cardinal rules of BDSM
Safe: Always have safeguards for every situation, including safe words and honest communication. Sane: Always be clear headed, sober, and in a healthy state of mind Consensual: Always talk about and agree on what will happen. Remember that all participants have the right to change their minds at any time – even after a session has started.
Know the terms
PHOTO BY CLAUDIA LITTLE COURTSEY KEN CORNELL
By Rene Thompson Staff Reporter
The world of BDSM, or bondage; discipline; sadism and masochism, is often misunderstood by those who do not live the lifestyle. BDSM can seem extreme by those who see sex in a more conventional way, but three rules of BDSM are: safe, sane and consensual, Julian Wolf, sexuality lecturer and enrolled student said. “Conventional relationships are not much different from ours, in the sense that some people communicate better than others about what is wanted form a significant other,” she said. R o x a n n e Youngblood, former student and submissive, said that she began to explore the BDSM lifestyle after learning about it in a Human Sexuality class at CNM.
“I had urges that were not understood in my previous relationships. I wanted to explore what it is that I really am, if I’m straight or bisexual or gay, as well as be able to have my particular needs be met in a BDSM relationship,” she said. Youngblood has been in a submissive/ dominant relationship for eight months and wears a collar from her dominant, she said. The collar is an outward symbol of their relationship, similar to a promise ring. The relationship can be ended by either side at any time. “At any point, if I am not into it anymore or I am not happy, I can take off the collar and walk away,” she said. Being in an environment that allows and approves of sexual
exploration has help Youngblood to accept herself, she said. “I have a much better understanding of what I want out of my relationships, and I am so much happier because I am able to fulfill my needs, and not just sexually,” she said. Ken Cornell, a long-time dominant in his private life and in public performances, said that every relationship needs communication, but BDSM relationship simply cannot survive without it. “You have to be honest about what you want up front, because if not, people can become uncomfortable in what they are seeking, and no one wants that from a BDSM relationship,” Cornell. Aside from communication, a dominant also has the responsibility of guiding a submissive and others new to the lifestyle,
so that they understand that submissives still have the right to say no at all times and that being a submissive does not mean a person has absolutely no control over what happens with them. “As a Dom I feel like a protector of my subs, in guiding them through what needs they really have, and showing my subs that there is complete trust from me to do what they want me to do and figure out what they need,” he said. Many safeguards are in place to protect all parties in BDSM relationships, such as safe words, signed agreements and having first aid kits on hand, just in case. “We have to be completely honest with one another about our needs and expectations to better understand what is really wanted from both parties,” he said.
Want to learn more? To learn more about the BDSM lifestyle, Wolf, Youngblood and Cornell recommend the following: Wolf: fiftyshadesromance.com – this is a pay site that explores the good and bad ideas in the
“50 Shades Trilogy” while providing step by step guides to entering into a BDSM relationship. Youngblood: latches. webslaves.com/checklist. htm – The free latches list is a pages-long document makes it easier for
new participants to talk about fetishes and kinks. Cornell: “Sanctuary Under the Crypt” is a monthly club night at Evolution Night Club, 6132 Fourth St. NW, that always includes a public fetish show. The
next show will be on March 30 at 9 p.m. the club is 18+ and charges an $8 cover. Books on BDSM: “Screw the Roses, give me the Thorns”, and “BDSM 101”.
Like most communities, those who live the BDSM lifestyle have words with special meaning within the group. Here is a list of some basic terms. Bondage - Any practice involving restraints placed on the body to restrict freedom of movement. Bottom - A practitioner who submits to bondage, training, role play and/or corporal punishment, but who is not necessarily emotionally committed to his/ her dominant partner. Top - One who takes the active role in physical scene, but does not necessarily engage in emotional/ mental control. Conditioning The term used in psychology for the deliberate process of creating a psychological link between a desired response and an unrelated stimulus. Much of what the SM community refers to as training uses classic conditioning techniques. Corporal Activities that involve the striking of one individual by another are called corporal from the term corporal punishment. Typically corporal activities include spanking, flogging, paddling, and caning. Dominant, Dom, or Dominatrix - The person who is given control in a consensual exchange of power. Dominatrix refers to
women. Dominant or Dom can refer to either sex or gender. Heavy - Intense whipping or hitting, usually with a toy such as a flogger or cane that is capable of delivering intense sensations. Masochism, masochist - The erotic enjoyment of pain, humiliation, and/or being dominated. Polyamory - The practice of having more than one intimate or sexual relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Safe word, Safe signal - A word, phrase, or action used as a signal to stop or reduce the intensity during sexual play. Sadism, Sadist Deriving pleasure from giving pain, humiliation, and/or domination to another. Sadomasochism, SM - Advanced practices incorporating the consensual use of pain, humiliation, and power exchange for erotic enjoyment. Submissive, Sub - One who surrenders control of his or her body and behavior, within pre-defined limitations, to another for erotic play. Switch - A person who enjoys taking either side in SM role or physical play: i.e. top or bottom, Dom or sub. Also, a slender flexible branch from a tree used for corporal punishment. GRAPHICS BY SCOTT M. ROBERTS