TheColdRail
Thecold,graytileswereinstarkcontrasttotherestofthetrainstation,withrustic,oiled sprucebeamsglimmeringoverheadintheyellowlightofwarmincandescentbulbs.AsIwalked throughthesprucepoststhatseparatedtheheatedstationfromtheblizzardingairoutside,a cloudoffrostexitedmymouth,justbarelyvisibleinthedarknessoftheAlaskannight.Ileaned againstawoodenpillar,thewindwhippingatmyleftcheekandnearlynumbingitwithin seconds.Afewmomentslater,ditchlightsbegantocasteerieshadowsonthepostsandbenches thatbrokeuptheconcreteslabofaplatform.Asmallcommutertrainslowlycametoahaltin frontofme.ThefaintglowfrominsidelookedlikearefugefromthewhiteoutconditionsasI steppedforward.
Itwasstillbriskinsidethetrain,butnotparticularlycoldcomparedtooutside,andthe dimLEDlightstripsalongeachsideofthecaraddedtothecontrast.Thebluecanvasseatswere worn,yethadacertainlevelofcheerfulnesstothemthatinvitedmetositdownonone,putting mybackpackonanothernexttome.
Inoticedthenthattherewereonlytwoothersonthetrain,acoupleintheirmid-twenties, andIfeltcalmedbythequietatmosphere.Ibegantolookoutthewindow,thetrainstillnot moving,whenIfeltavibrationinmypocket.Isighed,almostforgettingIevenownedaphone. AsIreachedintomypocket,thenotificationglowedafaintwhite,slightlyilluminatingthe dimlylitcar.Itwasatextfrommybrother,Erik.Iclosedmyeyesinalong,drawn-outblink beforeputtingthedevicebackintomyjeanspocketwithoutreadingthemessage.Iwantedtotell himwhyIwasangry.IwantedtotellhimwhyItookmyhalf-dilapidatedJeepuptheAlaska
Highway,whyIsolditforafewgrandwhenIarrived,andwhyIhadbeenhitchhikingaround thestatefornearlyayear.ButIdidn’t.
Somethingsaren’tmeanttobeshared.
Thetrainbeganmovingafewmomentslater,andtheglowofthestationwasreplacedby pitch-blackness.AthomeinIdaho,itwouldbetwilightatthistimeofday,andthewarmwinds wouldstillbescatteringtheyellowpaperbirchleavesoflatefallthroughoutthesun-warmed mountains.Instead,theonlywindscomingthroughherewerethecold,unforgivingguststhat drovedeepthroughyourbones.
Ajoltmademecompletelydisconnectfrommytrance.Adeafeninggrindingnoise followed.Gunshots?No.Brakes?No,waytooloud.BeforeIcouldfigureoutwhatwas happening,Iwasslammedagainstmywindowasasuitcasefromtheoppositesideofthecar crashedintomyback,andinasplitsecondIflewacrossthetraintotheotherside,crashinginto aheavysheetofmetalasthetrainflipped.Iheardadeafeningcrackasthewarmaironmyface wasreplacedwithnumbingcold.
Thenallwentblack.
Noise.High-pitched.Runningwater?No,wind.Somuchwind.Snow Cold. Black.
ThenextthingIcouldrememberwasmelyingonasheetofcold,unyieldingmetalinside thecrumpledshellofthetraincar,thewindhowlingthroughbrokenwindowsandtorn-apart doors.Itriedtoopenmyeyes,butonlymanagedtoopenone,astheotheronewasdeeply swollenshut.Icould,however,seethedarkinteriorofthetraincar,rippedapartanddestroyed. Thedarknesswasthickerthanbefore,darkerthananythingIhadexperienced,buttheopeningin frontofmewasbarelylitbyastandofburningsprucetrees.ThecarIwasinwascompletely overturnedonitsside,andaftergettingagoodlookattheopening,Irealizeditwasn’tadooror awindow,butashatteredskylight.
Whathadhappenedwasclear.
Aderailment.
Couldtherehavebeenothersurvivors?IrealizedthenthatIhadn’tevenlookedinmy owntraincarforotherpeople.Theinsidewasincrediblydark,butasIletmyeyesadjustand beganlookingtomyright,Ifeltbilecomeupmythroat.
Ihadseendeathbefore.Huntinginthevalleys.Eatingfishinthemountains.Quiet funeralprocessions,protectedbywhitelinenclothsandcoffins.Butthiswasdifferent.Tooraw. Toohuman.
Thebilealmostcameallthewayout,butImanagedtoswallowitasIstumbledoutof thetraincar,landinginthesnowasmymindspunincircles.
Frozenbloodandshatteredbonesfilledmyvision,thoughthesightwasnowgone. WhenIlookedup,theviewsbarelyvisibleinthedarknesssentshiversalongmyalready numbbody Downagentleslope,litbysmoulderingstandsofSitkaspruceandtrainwreckage,
wereoveradozenderailedtraincars.One,thesecondfarthestfromme,wasalmostcompletely obliteratedbyapileofsharp,granite-lookingboulders.Another,slightlyclosertome,wasdeep inagroveofjuvenilespruce.Yetanothertraincarwasburiedsodeepinsnowdriftsthatonlya cornerwasstickingoutofthesnow,onlyvisibleduetoanotherbehinditburninginthecold darkness,thethickmetalexteriortheonlythingnotengulfedinglowingflames.
Thenexttraincardownthehillfrommedidn’tlookintoobadofshape.Itwasn’tonits side,Idon’tknowhow,andlookedrelativelyintact,unlikemostoftheothercrushedsodacan remnantsoftraincars.
Perhapsthereweresurvivorsthere.Perhapstherewashelp.
Ibeganmovingforwardthroughthedrifts,andtotheircredit,mylegsdidmanagetodo theirthingfortwentyorthirtyyardsbeforeIcollapsedfromhorrible,dizzynausea.Ispatoutthe mouthfuloffrozen,powderysnowthatfilledmymouthbeforerollingmyselfupintoastanding positiononceagain.
I’mnottoosurehowlongittookmetogettothetraincar Bythetimemyfeetcontacted thehardfloorofthecar,thewhiteofthesnowandtheblackofthethick,unrelentingnighthad fadedintobloodred.AsIcollapsedontheground,theloudgroanofmetalgrindingonicefilled thetightspace.
Thecarshookviolentlyagain,themoanofgrindingsteelechoingdownthetrain.Thered begantofadeintothecornersofmyvision,beingreplacedbyafaintflickerofyellow,thesource aburningtreethirtyorsoyardsoutsidethedoors.Ipushedmyselfup,mypalmsslidingalong cold,powderyfrost.
ItwasthenthatIbegantolookaroundtheinteriorofthetrain.Mostoftheseatshad scrunchedupintoonecorner.Afigurewasinthemessofseats,crushedbetweenthem.
Notalive.Ididn’tneedtocheck.
Therewasn’tanyoneelseinthecar.
Ibegantowonderhowmanypeoplewereevenonthetraininthefirstplace.Ifthere wereonlyahalfdozenpeopleonthetrain,whichwasverypossible,andIhadfoundmostof themdeceasedalready,wasthereanybodyelse?
IfeltasurgeofangeratwhyIhadcomeuphere,whyIwastheonewhohadtobeon thistrain,andwhyIhadtobetheonewhosurvived.Smashingmyfootintoanunbrokenbut alreadycrackedwindow,itshattered,thewindblowingsandyshatteredglassdeepintothetrain car’sinterior.Igrittedmyteeth,myjawclenchinguncontrollably.ItwasErik’sfault,Idecided. HewasthereasonIwasuphere.HewasthereasonIwasangry.
He’dtakeneverythingafterMomdied.Theland,themoney,everything.
Mymindslowedastimepassed.BythetimeIopenedmyeyesagain,athickblanketof snowcoveredmyrightsidewherethewindhadwhippedintothetraincar.
ThewindfeltstrongerthanbeforeasIexitedthecar.Itscreechedthroughthetornmetal behindmeasIsankdeepintothesnow,practicallycrawlingasIcametotheburiedtraincara fewminuteslater.Icouldheargroansofsteelfromunderneathandfeeltherawcrumplingof
solidsteelfromtheweightofthesnow.Istoodthereforamoment,wonderingwhyIhadeven comeoverhere.
Itwasthen,throughthenoiseofthecrumplingtraincar,thatIheardamuffledcry.The screams,barelyaudiblethroughthewhippingwind,soundedliketheywerecomingfrom underneathme.
Anotherscream.
Ibegandiggingthroughthedrifts.AfterhalfaminuteIfeltthecold,unrelentinglyhard metalbelow.
Anotherscream.
Thecarshiftedagainunderneathme,myteethcrashingtogetherbythesheerforce.
Ikickedthesnowaway,thepowderrisingingreatplumesasIdidso.Eventually,Ifound atearinthesteelbetweenasmallwindowandwhatlookedlikethebaseofaseat,barelylarge enoughtofitanarmthrough.Fromthelightofasmallstandofsmolderingtrees,Icouldseea littleboy,perhapssevenoreightyearsold,wedgedinsidethecrumpledcar Hewasaboutfour feetinsidethecavity,andwhenthelightcastfromtheburningtreesontohisface,heletouta whimper
“Help,”hesaidthroughaquiet,raspyvoice.
Iliftedonalipofsheetmetalandmanagedtoopenitaboutafootwide.Ithen,perhaps notfullythinkingthrough,slidbetweenthenarrowgap.Thefrigidmetalpresseddeeplyagainst myflanneledback.Mylegspoweredmeforwardthefirstfewfeetbeforemyprogressslowed.`
Ifeltanothershiftfromthesnowabove,andcouldphysicallyseeaquarterormoreofthe cavity,nowdarkenedintoatwilight-brightspace,crumpleinonitself.
Theboywasonlyafootortwofrommygrasp,butmyshoulderswerenowwedged tightlybetweenthetwomaterials.
Icouldn’tmove.
PanicbegantosetinasIfeltmylegswerestuckaswell.Itookabreathtocalmmyself.
Icouldn’tgiveupnow.Notaftereverything.Icouldn’tdielikethis,half-upsidedown andwedgedbetweentwopiecesofsteel.Stoppingnowwouldmeanlosingeverything.Losing myself.
IpushedwitheverythingIhad,reachingtheboyandbeginningtodraghimbacktheway wecame.Mybackbegangrindingagainstthesharp,twistedmetal,andIcouldfeeltheblood seepingthroughalready.
Ididn’tcare.
Twofeettogo.
Themetalbegantodriftfrommyback.
Onefoottogo.
Theshiftofthetraincarcrumpledthecavitymore. Wewerefree.
Thecold,freshwindneverfeltbetteragainstmyface.Theboygaspedaswell,hisface coatedinsicklysweat.
Afewmomentslater,thecavitycollapsedwithacracklouderthanusual,andwhenI lookedback,thegapwascompletelycrushedbytheweightofthesnow.
Idon’tknowhowlongIwaslyingtherebeforethepeoplecame.Beforethebig,warm stretcherscame.Idon’treallycare.
IdecidedatsomepointintheprocessthatIwouldgohome. PerhapsIdahoandthemoneyandthelanddidn’tmatter. Thelightwaswarmagain.