“Back to Sleep”
byAnna SchumacherAll five of my senses have been overruled by the pain The world around me is dark black, speckled with blurred starry light I hear the high pitched ringing that means reality is fading, and my senses of smell and taste have been limited to a metallic bloody sensation My limbs burn, almost to the point of feeling numb The pain increases until I know I can’t bear to be conscious for much longer I’m on the brink of collapsing when it abruptly ends The feeling is like a cup of hot chocolate on a biting winter day, warming me from the inside out I sink into the mattress beneath me, easing open my eyes to take in my surroundings
I’m in a tiny room, with enough space for the bed and not much else Despite this, the room isn’t small in a claustrophobic manner, but rather a cozy one It feels like a childhood home; a place I could stay forever. When feeling returns to my left arm, I realize someone is caressing it.
“Who’s there?” I croak, heart racing. I’m lying on my right side, with my back to whoever is touching me. My breath quickens as I attempt to turn over and look, but to no avail.After a lengthy struggle, my companion aids me.The hand that was on my arm rolls me onto my left side, allowing me to take in the appearance of the person attached to it.
It’s a kindly woman, with long gray hair and skin rippling with age. She has a timeless beauty about her; a majestic aura. She’s wearing a black robe that looks impossibly soft, and her outfit is topped with a matching black hat
“You’re alright, sweetheart,” she tells me, her voice inconceivably smooth “You need some rest
Go back to sleep
”
I would rather do anything other than close my eyes I imagine slipping back into the frightening subliminal space where everything around me ceases to exist Everything, that is, except for the pain It’s like putting your hand on a stove, I think, only the stove is your entire body and your reflexes won’t let you stop touching it I shake my head vigorously, indicating that I will not be sleeping anytime soon The friendly woman smiles gently at me
“I can see that you’re afraid,” she murmurs, smoothing my hair behind my ears I sigh and melt into her touch “I’ll tell you a story Will that help?”
I find myself nodding and settling into the sheets like a small child I don’t know where I am, or who the woman is, but something about her makes me feel safe. It feels as if she knows me, more than anyone ever has. More, at this moment, than even I do.
She gently eases my eyes closed, resting her thumbs momentarily on my eyelids. Rather than beginning to tell a story as I expect, the old woman starts creating a fictional world in front of me. She sets each scene like a movie, first easing me into that of a young girl.
The girl is in the same position that I am, curled up in a bed with someone sitting beside her. She has coarse black hair, which is laden with sweat and clinging to her tiny face. She’s screaming about the monsters in her dream; yelling that they are everywhere Shouting that everyone wants to hurt her The man beside her picks her up and cradles her in his arms until she calms
“I would never hurt you, Leila,” he whispers to her, over and over again “I love you too much to do that ”
“I love you too, Daddy,” the girl mumbles as she slips back into sleep
The scene begins to morph, the room remaining the same but the characters aging The girl appears to be around eight now She’s on the floor inching away from her father, eyes wide with
terror He kicks her face and scarlet blood begins to spurt from her nose I yell for him to stop, but neither of them hear me, so I scream at the woman controlling the story instead
“Make it stop,” I plead, but it appears there is no pause button The girl curls in on herself as the blows continue When it finally ends, she’s sobbing uncontrollably, shaking on the ground
“You said you’d never hurt me,” she cries out, but the man is gone I rush to comfort her, but the scene is already changing
In this scene, it’s clearly the same girl Leila, her father had called her but she’s in her early teens She’s sitting on her bed, with another girl kneeling behind her braiding her hair Leila is smiling and giggling, a sharp contrast to what I just witnessed I inch closer to hear their conversation
“Leila, I feel like we’ve been friends for, like, ever,” the unfamiliar girl declares, putting the final touches on Leila’s braid. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course, Britt,” Leila replies without hesitation. She seems almost offended by the question.
“Prove it,” the other girl—Britt—dares. “Tell me a secret.”
Discomfort flashes on Leila’s face, but only for a second. She lowers her voice and whispers in Britt’s ear. I only catch snippets, but Leila appears to be disclosing that wears her clothes multiple times before washing them to help her family save money Leila smiles, content to have gotten something off of her chest
“Just between us, though?” Leila asks, anxiety clouding her expression
Britt nods, smiling comfortingly at Leila I begin to relax, adjusting to the casual nature of this scene It doesn’t last, and the next shift changes the location
Leila is in a lunchroom now, sitting alone and fighting back tears I recognize Britt, who is eating with a group of gorgeous girls They all keep glancing at Leila, then looking away and laughing
“Dirty girl,” Britt mouths across the room at Leila, as the pretty girls snicker Leila puts her hand over her mouth, choking on the tears she can’t hold back So much for trust, I can practically hear her thinking
The ground suddenly drops out from underneath me and I’m back in Leila’s bedroom She looks around seventeen now, with her arms around a boy He’s holding her in a tight hug as she sobs quietly
“You know you can tell me anything,” he comforts her She shakes her head, burrowing deeper into his chest He gently grabs the sides of her face, raising her chin until she meets his eyes
“I love you,” he insists “No matter what it is, I’ll be here, by your side ”
“Levi,” she cries, stepping away from him and walking to her dresser. She opens the top drawer and pulls out a pregnancy test, the two lines clear from across the room. “I’m keeping it.”
He backs away from her, panic in his eyes. He continues his steady retreat, eyes locked on the test, until his back hits the wall. He breathes heavily; brings his hands to his face.
“No,” he hisses. “Lei, you can’t. I can’t. Not now.”
The bravery drains from her face, leaving nothing but a scared little girl.
“No matter what, Levi.You said no matter what.” I can barely make out what she’s saying through the tears The boy staggers to the door of her room, a deer in the headlights
“Yeah but not this ”And he’s gone Leila sinks to the ground, the scenery sinking with her Rather than a solid scene materializing, the next few blur past rapid fire Her father’s funeral Her miscarriage An unfamiliar man The story latches unto the man, and a new scene comes into focus around him
He’s kneeling in front of mid twenties Leila in a restaurant, holding a ring in his hands He beams up at her, but she’s shaking her head vehemently
“I love you,” he tells her, “and I ”
“You’ll just leave,” she begins coldly “You’ll break all your promises and you’ll leave Like the rest of them ”
The man sets the ring down and reaches to comfort her; to reassure her She pushes him away and storms out of the restaurant It’s pouring outside, disguising her tears I watch her sit on the curb and bring her knees to her chest Amysterious woman in a black raincoat approaches Leila, easing herself onto the concrete beside her
“Who are you?” Leila inquires, without any emotion in her voice
The figure chuckles, replying, “My name is Solitarity, but I go by Sol I’m here to help you Come with me, dear, and you’ll be safe ”
“Why?” asks Leila, wiping tears from underneath her eyes
Sol tucks Leila into the raincoat with her, shielding her from the storm. I sit on the other side of Sol, who moves the raincoat to cover me as well. It appears that Sol can see me, but Leila still can’t. Sol turns back to Leila, continuing the conversation.
“I’m offering you a life where you won’t have to trust or rely on anyone. If you can learn to be safe in yourself, you’ll always be safe. If anyone tries to get close to you, you can just shut them out. It might hurt at first, but you’ll never get hurt again. I’ll help you forget.”
Leila stares into the depths of Sol’s black eyes, contemplating the proposal. Seconds drag by like hours, and finally, Leila offers Sol a sad smile
“I’ll do it ”
And suddenly I’m no longer looking at Leila but I am Leila, and the world is spinning, and I remember that Leila has been me all along Everything hurts, more than anything has ever hurt in my life My body is on fire, a searing sensation as I’m torn away from everything I’ve ever known The pain intensifies until it abruptly fades to nothing I come to in a bed, with someone’s hand on my arm
“Who’s there?” I rasp, confused I try to remember how I got here, but I can’t recall anything concrete The hand helps me turn over, which leaves me facing an elderly woman in a black cloak and matching black hat
“Everything’s alright,” she reassures me “Just go back to sleep ”