To help support your children’s mental health as part of our Middle School’s Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) program, throughout the school year I will share with you the psychological issues our students commonly face and offer strategies to help them navigate these challenges.
— Atara J. Berliner, Ph.D. Director of Guidance and Learning Center
HELPING EARLY ADOLESCENTS HEAL FROM LOSS: A TORAH AND PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE
Reflecting on the school year, I have seen students come forward with striking frequency to process their grief over the loss of a grandparent—perhaps influenced by a collective awareness of mortality and national sorrow, particularly given the painful events in Israel. Below are some reflections and strategies to help guide your child through what is often their first encounter with significant loss—drawing from both a psychological and Torah perspective.
VALIDATING A MIDDLE SCHOOLER’S GRIEF
The death of a grandparent holds a unique place in an early adolescent’s psychological and emotional development. Grandparents are generally not a child’s primary attachment figure; however, their role is often imbued with warmth, stories, traditions, and bypasses typical parent - adolescent conflicts. As a result, their passing can leave a quiet but significant void—one that is sometimes underestimated. Adults may unintentionally minimize the loss with well-meaning reassurances like, “They lived a long and full life,” which, while true, can invalidate the child’s experience of grief. Further complicating matters is that adolescents may not only mourn their grandparents but also may be deeply affected by seeing their own parents in pain. Watching a parent grieve may lead to feelings of anxiety and a misplaced responsibility to “be strong” or an obligation to comfort others. What children need most is compassionate presence and honest emotional modeling. Saying, “I miss my father very much, but I know that in time, I’ll feel stronger,” validates the pain while also expressing resilience.
THE TORAH’S PERSPECTIVE ON
LOSS
Judaism offers a profoundly healing perspective that helps reframe the notion that the relationship between a grandchild and a grandparent ends with death. Rather, the relationship is transformed from the physical to the spiritual, during which the descendants’ actions have the power to uplift the soul of the departed. According to Torah tradition, every mitzvah, act of chesed, or Torah learning—especially the study of Mishnah (whose rearranged letters form the word neshama, or soul)—can bring an aliyah, an ascension, to the soul in heaven. (This is not limited to parents. The Shulchan HaEzer extends this power to grandchildren acting on behalf of grandparents.) It does not stop there; when the deceased see their progeny performing mitzvot with them in mind, filled with pleasure, they beseech Hashem to bestow upon their descendants a long life, prosperity, and mercy.
How empowering for a grieving middle schooler! In a time that can be marked by helplessness, grieving adolescents discover they can do something meaningful. They stop feeling like passive victims of loss, and instead, are imbued with a sense of purpose and agency.
CARRYING THE LEGACY FORWARD
One of the most poignant customs that illustrates this eternal bond is the tradition, attributed to the Zohar, of placing a wedding invitation on the grave of a deceased relative. This ritual expresses the belief that the souls of grandparents attend the weddings of their descendants. Your middle schooler may be years away from such a milestone; however, this tradition reflects that every stage of life presents an opportunity to include, honor, and connect with those who came before.
THE PATH TO HEALING
It is important to remind ourselves that emotional struggle is not a sign of weakness, but a portal to strength, resilience, and transformation. When adolescents are given tools, validation, and a framework for meaning, even loss can become a source of empowerment. Healing means remembering loved ones in a way that carries light forward.
