The Imperfect Shot: Shooting Excuses, Gaffes and Blunders

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THE

IMPERFECT SHOT SHOOTING EXCUSES, GAFFES AND BLUNDERS

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THE

IMPERFECT SHOT SHOOTING EXCUSES, GAFFES AND BLUNDERS

J C JEREMY HOBSON ILLUSTRATIONS BY

OLIVER PRESTON

QUILLER

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Copyright Š J C Jeremy Hobson (text) 2015 Copyright Š Oliver Preston (illustrations) 2015 First published in the UK in 2015 by Quiller, an imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978-1-84689-208-0 The right of J C Jeremy Hobson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patent Act 1988 The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. All recommendations are made without any guarantee on the part of the Publisher, who also disclaims any liability incurred in connection with the use of this data or specific details.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the Publisher in writing.

Book and jacket design by Sharyn Troughton Printed in China

Quiller An imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd

Wykey House, Wykey, Shrewsbury, SY4 1JA Tel: 01939 261616 Fax: 01939 261606 E-mail: info@quillerbooks.com Website: www.quillerpublishing.com

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CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS page 7

PREFACE page 9

1 SHOOTING DAYS AND SOME GUNS’ WAYS page 11

2 GAMEKEEPING GAFFES AND BEATERS’ BLUNDERS page 35

3 MAKING A MEAL OF IT page 56

4 ROUGH AND READY page 72

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5 IT’S A DOG’S LIFE page 86

6 WARDROBE MALFUNCTION page 107

7 IN THE NEWS page 123

8 TALES TOLD OVER LUNCH page 137

BIBLIOGRAPHY page 151

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

HE ANECDOTES AND TALES included in this book have come from my own experiences and also from those of friends and acquaintances… some of whom I have credited. Some are, however, deliberately left unattributed (by request in some cases!) in order to tantalise and tease – and also possibly to save embarrassment!

To find out more, I invited comments via various shooting-related Facebook groups… the members of which were not slow to respond.

Thank you all! I am also grateful to Mrs Millington for permission to use a couple of stories from Hedley’s memoirs The Cocker Man; Imogen Plouviez at HarperCollins, Debbie Jackson and Ali Myers at F & W Media International Ltd, and Josh Spero at Spear’s (for granting use of quotes from Clarissa Dickson Wright). The quote outlining ‘hard mouth’ on page 96 is the copyright of The Kennel Club Limited, and is reproduced with their permission.

As well as recounting the verbal tales of many I have, in addition, drawn much inspiration from various articles in shooting magazines, books and internet forums. In the case of where more than a few words have been used, every reasonable effort has been made to contact possible copyright owners. However, in accordance with my understanding of the UK’s copyright laws, I have not necessarily sought permission to quote very minor extracts taken from book, magazine and internet – but can assure anyone concerned that I have not taken any

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quote and used it out of context‌ or to the detriment of what was intended by the author. Nonetheless, should any that I have been so far unable to trace (or, for whatever reason, they have chosen not to respond by the time my words went to print) happen to read this, I would be delighted if they would get in touch with either myself or the publishers in order that the situation can be rectified in any future publication.

Specific and effusive thanks must, of course, go to the wonderful Oliver Preston – without whose superb and imaginative cartoon illustrations there would be no book. I have, for many years, been enjoying his cartoons in The Field and elsewhere, and sending his greetings cards to my shooting and country-based friends. It is, therefore, no hyperbole when I say that I am honoured he has agreed to be a major part of this particular project.

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PREFACE

IKE THAT REGRETTABLE TEXT OR EMAIL sent in haste and without due consideration, we’ve all experienced that feeling of blind panic and terror in the cold light of day when we realise just how crass and banal an error of judgement or faux pas we’ve committed on the shooting field – one which, unlike a shot bird, can never be retrieved.

Dangerous shooting can never be forgiven – and is the subject for books other than this: it cannot be overlooked though, and should never be made light of, but, having said that, I just could not resist including the fact that, J K Stanford (author of The Twelfth and other shooting tomes), once recalled the time that his sister-in-law, was touched by shot from a High Court judge on the next peg. When, after the drive was over, she remonstrated with the offender, he replied; ‘I couldn’t possibly have done that, dear lady. I simply hate doing that sort of thing.’

No, the types of error and ill-judgment this book is designed to illustrate are more the experiences and exhortations of those who have committed minor faux pas and misdemeanours on the shooting field (and who of us have not – what is it that the Bible says about ‘He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone’?!) and to offer advice that might sometimes be tongue-in-cheek.

In what could be considered to be a cross-over between Quiller’s highly successful publications 101 Shooting Excuses (Bryn Parry, 2005);

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The Keen Shot’s Miscellany (Peter Holt 2008) and Rosie Nickerson’s How To Be Asked Again (2009), The Imperfect Shot delves even deeper into the shooting world and gives voice to many light-hearted incidents that also immediately bring a mental picture to mind.

It even gives (and provides for future use by others!) some novel excuses used by pickers-up who have failed to bring back that pheasant which apparently fell 200 yards back and ‘was definitely dead when it hit that oak tree’. In similar vein, during my many years as a gamekeeper, it was often necessary to think on the hoof and deliver a plausible reason as to why a particular drive didn’t go exactly as it should. Sometimes my explanations were so outrageous as to be laughable – which often diffused a potentially difficult situation – and on occasion, caused a comment such as, ‘I’ve never heard that one before… how did you think that one up?’ To which I inevitably replied; ‘The Gamekeeper’s Book of Excuses… page 58’.

It was then, thinking about this imaginary tome which set me on the road to writing and collating what follows. Some tales might, of course be apocryphal – and I’ll leave it for the reader to decide which they might be!

J C Jeremy Hobson

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1 SHOOTING DAYS AND SOME GUNS’ WAYS

NYONE WHO HAS BEEN SHOOTING for a while can always recount a shoot day faux pas, an embarrassing error or a funny story; indeed some have turned such anecdotes into an art form and, in doing so, add greatly to the day’s pleasure!

Michael Smith, a syndicate member in Suffolk, recalls: ‘We used to have a Gun who missed more than he hit but was a brilliant raconteur

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and received far more invites on the strength of his story-telling and sporting reminiscences than ever he did for his shooting prowess. On several occasions, the next drive was delayed whilst Guns, pickers-up and sometimes beaters would all stand round listening like he was some latter-day prophet – not that his chosen subject matter was always that godly!’

IN SEARCH OF THE ULTIMATE EXCUSE We’ve all done it – desperately sought out an excuse to give credence as to why we missed that not-so-spectacular bird – ‘my safety catch stuck’; ‘the sun got in my eyes’; ‘I left it for you and wasn’t ready when it turned to me at the last minute’.

Some people have even turned the excuse into an art form and furnish all who will listen with a veritable plethora before the shoot captain has even had the opportunity to go through the safety notes at the start of the day: ‘I’m not sure how well I’ll shoot – we had to go to our son’s school Parent’s Evening last night and they served us some really rough Hungarian red wine’; ‘I picked up my wife’s/husband’s 20/12 bore this morning by mistake’, or, one which really impressed; ‘I’ve just had an in-growing toe-nail seen to and my chiropodist said I shouldn’t put pressure on it!’

The ‘eyes’ have it Wearing spectacles on a wet, rainy shooting day doesn’t exactly make life easy – but it does, on occasion, provide something of an excuse for missing:

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‘Have you thought about trying drink?’

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With the rain on my glasses, I could see seven pheasants rather than one; and I must have shot at the wrong one.

Another Gun tells of the time shortly after he’d made the decision to switch from prescription shooting glasses to a pair of contact lenses.

As my field of vision was greatly enhanced and my eyesight was corrected to 20/15, I could pick out every detail of the first bird of the day which, as luck would have it, came straight over my peg. So astounded was I at the clarity and my ability to see the cock pheasant overhead far more in focus than I ever before recalled, I completely forgot to mount my gun until the bird was long gone over the wood behind us!

Don’t shoot the white one!

Anticipation of a driven bird heightens the senses and, whilst loading, I’ve seen many a Gun tense and make to shoulder his weapon when he’s seen a blackbird or similar fly down a hedgerow or line of trees. Half a dozen white pheasants are often released on several estates as ‘marker’ birds and, at the beginning of the day, the host will tell his guests not to shoot one of them. Why is it that when such a bird flies over (invariably accompanied by calls from the beaters’ line), a Gun who might have been shooting indifferently up until that point, will, without fail manage to bring the bird down stone-dead?

Not wanting to attract the fine which some shoots impose on such a bird, some Guns will, if out of sight of the rest of the gun-pegs, attempt to stuff the bird down a convenient rabbit hole… and hope no pickerup comes by. If not, there’s no other option but to pay up and blame the fact that ‘the sun came out just as the bird came over and I could only see its silhouette.’

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The sun came out just as the bird came over and I could only see its silhouette

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