Reclaiming Sluttiness- page 62 - Discussing Polyamory with Polyamorous Cardiff Students

I asked the main question I think most monogamous people have regarding polyamorous relationships; how do you control your own jealousy? How do you define loyalty?

To be polyamorous is characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. A quick google search can tell you this and it is great to see that consent is highlighted thoroughly. But are poly relationships as ‘typically’ sexual as any other monogamous relationship would be? Monogamy is having a sexual relationship with only one partner at a time.

I spoke to two polyamorous Cardiff students, Ellie (she/ they) and Sam (he/him), who trusted me to share their relationships with - and I am very thankful for their contribution.

Sam had explained “monogamy is not for everyone”, just like polyamory also is not for everyone.

I started by asking: so, when did you start exploring polyamory?

I think like any other intimate relationship you don’t just trip and fall in but often it is unexpected…

Ellie: ‘‘If you’d asked me before my partner told me about their other partner whether I could ever be polyamorous I would have said absolutely not. Yet here I am two years later with three amazing partners, with space for one more.”

Then they added: ‘For me, and in my experience, the human capacity for love is infinite. It’s the logistics of a 24-hour day and a 2-day weekend, not to mention monogamous societal norms, that are the limiting factors of our capacity for deeper connections.’

Highlighting the fact that each polyamorous experience is different and “it is consensual for all parties involved”. Sam also explained, agreeing with Ellie’s comment about infinite love, that “there is a societal pressure to search for ‘the one’.

I completely agree and believe a person can have multiple soul mates, so should we be limited to one? Furthermore, I asked:

What would you want others to know about polyamory?

Sam: “Polyamory is not polygamy”, polygamy is where a husband/ wife is married to more than one partner at a time, and mostly on occasion treated in stereotyped religious terms.

Sex isn’t everything and polyamory is not just sex, just like most monogamous relationships are not only romantic but also involve enjoying sexual pleasure with their partner.

It’s beyond sex. To Ellie, “Each partner I have is utterly unique and utterly amazing. My partners are kind, loving, beautiful, intelligent and hilarious in different beautiful combinations and I love them all very deeply but differently.”

Sam further illustrated that polyamorous relationships are not just “kinky”, they create “actual connections with one another.”

Can one person always fulfil each of your sexual desires?

“Sex is just another form of communication in my book (albeit a highly enjoyable one) and, for now, I can’t quite get my head around why I should limit that to one person”, Ellie believes.

I asked how, as anyone else should, they take care of their sexual health:

Ellie: “Of course, sexual health is important but communication and regular testing can be achieved and takes away any concerns of having multiple partners who may or may not also engage in polyamory or having intercourse with others.”

Ellie comments on why they should wait, especially during COVID when they cannot see their other partners who live overseas to engage in pleasure. I have been in the same situation and can confirm phone sex is not like the real thing for sure…

So, how do you control your own jealousy? How do you define loyalty?

Ellie and I also discussed that some may question her own loyalty when we had spoken about her engaging in other romantic partners whilst a partner was overseas. But as stated before, everything is consensual, nothing is secretive, and it is not like their partner does not know or is not engaging with other partners themselves.

It comes down to what we define loyalty to be, and in Ellie’s definition: “Loyalty comes down to the security of attachment and I don’t quite know how or why but I just do not have the slightest doubt that any of my partners would intentionally hurt me. If they did, we would discuss it and resolve like rational adults, in the same way from my perspective I love and care about them and we have talked about the importance of freedom to meet and connect new people in whatever way.” We all have different expectations of what we think loyalty should be. Especially in the age of social media, some believe liking other people’s pictures on social media questions loyalty whilst others do not. We all have different expectations for romantic partners and some of us have a preconceived opinion about polyamory maybe because we would feel insecure with our partners dating others.

So, are there any feelings of jealousy?

Ellie: “I truly believe that the deepest expression of love is freedom- if you’re restricting your partner/ partners beliefs and forcing them to conform to whatever bounds you gave deemed suitable/ acceptable then that’s not from a place of love Granting them complete freedom to be and act as themselves, is true love. And if in that container of freedom, what feels good to them and to you is to give you their full energy as a monogamous partner then that’s great!”

But also, “if what feels good for them and for you is to see other people/ engage with polyamory then that’s also great and doesn’t in any way reduce or diminish the commitment you’ve both made to the deepest and free-est of loves.”

Ellie explains that it is about your own perception of a romantic relationship: “You still act with complete respect for your partners at all times and in essence, I think I am trying to say is that the idea that love is conditional or can only exist within predefined and agreed boundaries is completely incompatible with the form of polyamory I have crafted with my partners.”

“Granting them complete freedom to be and act as themselves, is true love.”

It is not about, “comparison or competition, they are all unique human beings and between them, I am able to have each and every one of my needs met.”

After this Ellie said, “I am not needy I promise - it just nice to share the load sometimes”. That got me thinking, can we expect one partner to fulfil our every need? I, in my relationship, have spoken to my partner about how I would never expect them to fulfil my every need. I have friends and other intimate friendships who compensate for what a partner cannot manage. Is polyamory different to this?

Also again, just like any other relationship Ellie explains, “Jealousy is something that is there and if you ignore it, it won’t go away so part of a relationship (poly or not) is exploring that and discussing where it has come from to understand how to develop a healthy relationship further.”

Ellie introduced me to the phrase, ‘compersion’ which in poly terms, is the opposite of jealousy. It means feeling happy for your partner in their new experiences. “I think many people might find that weird but it is not that weird when you think about how happy you are for a friend or family member when they experience something new that makes them happy”, they said.

Ellie and I continued this discussion and I compared it to a new job or travelling opportunity. You are happy for them as is - if you love them their happiness is the main priority.

So, in the confinements of happiness, Ellie said, “Why would them seeing someone else be any different?”

I started thinking of it again as that new job example, where my partner does not lose the love, they have for me when finding love elsewhere, that love is different. My partner can still have a love for me if they find love and happiness elsewhere.

Concluding the interview with the fact polyamorous relationships can be just like any other form of an intimate relationship - the main priority being consensual, reciprocated love. Thank you, Ellie, and Sam!

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

Interviewed by: Hope Docherty Design by: Isabel Brewster Illustrations by: Sian Hopkins

Photography by: Hannah Layton, @laytonhannah Models: Moses, @moemagick Amarie Jones, @._amariejones._