Molly Davis by QMC

The Life Of Adoption. Connecting to family origins can offer new understandings. Change, Connection and Perspective.

Now I am here. Because I got adopted.

I used to live here when I was little...

Molly Davis September 2015

Have you ever wondered about the life of adoption and what are the issues? What is it like having two sets of parents? By understanding where you come from and the circumstances of your adoption – does this perspective help you know more about yourself? I have thought about this and over the past term I have researched the issues around adoption and interviewed people who have been adopted, the parents of adoptive children and a person who organises adoptions from overseas. This has come together in my presentation that follows. I would like to thank all the people who have kindly given of their time to help me in this project. I appreciate their honesty. To my uncles Richard and Michael McCort, my Grandparents Anne and Graham McCort, Gabe Tully and Mr Ioannou my sincere thanks and I could not have written this without you. I developed three main areas I wanted to discuss with each person I interviewed. v Many adopted children really want to know their birth parents. Why is this so important? v Does knowing more about our birth parents help us to know more about who we are and ourselves? v Does understanding our own family's history and our country's cultural history help us understand who we are? In this report you will see all my findings. Before I interviewed these people I did some research around the subject of adoption to better give me an understanding of the issues before I interviewed them. The following is a summary of my research. Why do people adopt? There can be many reasons why people adopt children. Some of the main reasons why people adopt children include that they can't give birth to a child. Another reason is they want to give a child a stable and a loving home for them to grow up in. The last main reason includes adoption between family members so the child stays within the extended family if they cannot be brought up by their birth parents. 4.

Apart from that we would all be thinking 'why does the child go out for adoption'? Several of the main reasons why children are offered for adoption include the parents are too young to care for the child; they could be criminals and have a lot of drugs that is not safe for the child and people in charge of the child's welfare (the State) want them cared for by people other than their parents -‐ this is where other more responsible family members are often asked to adopt the child; They don’t have enough money to care for the child (in times gone by some really poor people put their baby wrapped up in a blanket in front of a wealthy looking house or left them at a church so that other people could take care of the baby)These days there is government support to help people who are struggling financially or have no job -‐ but this has not always been the case. Many children were also left in orphanages in the past when their parents couldn't care for them; The parents already have too many children to look after and in some families the child is adopted by another member of the family who has room for them-‐ this is often an unofficial adoption. 5. There is a single mother looking after the child and it is too much work for her. Opinions of adoption. This year in 2015 we are having a debate, 'Should adopted children be allowed to seek their biological parents without consent?' There is a lot of different opinions on both sides. I found some opinions on http://www.debate.org/opinions/should-adopted-children-beallowed-to-seek-their-biological-parents-without-consent Here is 2 opinions from the aggrement side. 1. 'The adopted children have the right to know who their biological parents are, and they should keep in touch with their biological parents because they need their birth parents with them as they are growing up. Some adopter parents don't want to tell the children who their birth parents really are, but I think the children should be given the option whether they want to know who their birth parents are. Moreover, the adopted children have blood relationship with their real parents, they are families anyway'. 2. 'childbirth makes it very certain who a child's mother is. No child should be deprived of knowing who brought them into the world. It is wrong to coerce women to give away their children and there should be a law against it. Only children who are orphans should be adopted, and these children would still have a right to know who brought them into the world. If the shameful treatment of mothers would end, there would not be the pressure to take a child from the mom and sell it to a family that is headed by a male. This human invention is totally unnatural when comparing how mammal mothers raise their children'. Now, here are some opinions from the other hand. 1. ‘Some birth parents give their children up because they feel they are too young or they can't afford a child. However, some birth parents have darker reasons. Maybe the child was a product of rape or incest. Maybe the parent hated children but was against abortion. Maybe the parent wanted to abort but was forced into adoption. Could you imagine the pain a birth parent would go through, if the child was a product of rape or incest, having to relive their trauma? Could you imagine finally finding your birth parents just to learn that they hate you, or that they never wanted you, or that they tried to abort you?’ 5.

2. ‘Its the law... Just the simple truth. If I dont want to know my adopted child then I dont want to. Its my choice. If I knew that I was giving up a child only to come seek me and remind me that I left a child back then I'd be more inclined to aborti’. 3. ‘Reported in the Dominion Post recently was the debate as to whether children of sperm donors have the right to find out who their biological father is. These donors say that they wanted to help infertile couples by donating sperm but never thought they would be traced or be faced with meeting all these children in the years ahead.Is it the rights of the donor or the child?’ To find more opinions about this debate you can go to the website that I said where I found these opinions. The following is a summary of my interviews. Interviews. Interview with Mr Ioannou: "I have a orgainisation that helps orphans find homes and when a family accepts them they are an adopted child. My organisation helps with Chile orphans. Many children that are adopted from Chile are from orphanages -‐ they are living there because their parents have died or as is usually the case they have abandoned the child for one reason or another. Some children are found wandering the streets alone with no home and so taken to live in the orphanage.Most children who live in the orphanage are around 6-‐7 years old. In 2003 my orginisation started.My orgianisation helps Chile orphans because 2-‐3 years before we started we had to prove to the Chilian government that we where trust worthy. We promised that we would find families for the orphans to live with in New Zealand. Though apart from that, it is a very big thing to leave your home country.Everything has to be done right to help the child settle into a new culture and family. The children ask a lot questions about the new country and family and they pair the children and adoptive parents well by giving them a much information as they can. They find that as the children get older and into teenage years they often become more inquisitive about their birth parents. The Chilean government has information about their parents and will see if they can meet up with them when they turn 18 years old. Compassion for Orphans believes that it is important for these children to know about where they come from, their culture and birth parents, as this helps you understand who you are and where you are going if you know where you came from." Interview with Gabe Tully: "I had 5 adopted children in my family and 1 of them died. We were adopted because my mother and the father couldn't give birth to any children. I have always known that I was adopted when I was a child. The parents that brought me up I feel like that this is my main family. I never felt treated differently when I was adopted I felt treated the same if my care giver gave birth to me.My birth mother lived in Sadeland in England. I meet my birth mother when I was 23 and I was really suprised when I found out she was living in Auckland because 6.

I thought that she was living in England! I haven't met my father though and don't know the ancesters on his side." Interview with Mike McCort: "I have known I was adopted almost as long as I can remember, maybe I was 5 or 6 I am not sure. But I think it helped to know this form a young age as it was never a problem for me. It was something that made me different from other kids and to me that was a little special. I was little bit curious I guess, but never really pondered it too much, I just thought that my parents must have had good reasons to give up a child, as it would not be an easy thing to do. I don’t think Rich and I were treated differently because we were adopted, there is always a little bit of difference in how children are treated as a result of personality, age, abilities or interests. I met my birth parents when I was 15 years old. They were living not far from us in Auckland in the suburb of St Johns . My natural father was not there at the time as he was on a retreat so I met him later, but I met my natural mother (Rose) and my brother and sister (Demian and Bryony) . For me over the years I have realized through spending time with my siblings: -‐ I had a very good and privileged childhood . I had a very stable up bringing with relatively few changes of school or home. Where my siblings did not, they moved every 2 years, changing not just schools or homes but towns as well. There are definitely parts of us that are genetically based and things that are learned . -‐ how our brains function and how we process information in our brains is fixed by our genes. This influences wheather we will have a natural ability for something like building over languages or maths over languages. This is not to say you cannot learn other things but that some things are much easier. How we act or behave around other people and how we interact are learned. These things we learn from our parents by copying their behavior, following their rules… I went from having a small extended family, with only one uncle and aunt on either side and all my grandparents had passed away to an enormous extended family with 7 uncles and aunts on my natural fathers side and 6 uncles and aunts on my mothers side and all the grandparents were still alive. Mike also mentioned in his video interview that he believes knowing your biological parents and family medical history is important. Mike has suffered from asthma -‐ as do his biological siblings. He also has a biological sister who has had breast cancer in her thirties and this sort of family history can be helpful to know. Interview with Rich McCort: I cannot remember the time when I was told that I was adopted. Mum and dad must have told me when I was very very young. I remember asking mum and dad the occasional question about them, but it never was a big deal to me as I felt very much part of the Mccort family. I dont feel that I was treated any differently from Mike or Jane and Maree, and I dont think Mike would feel he was either, I dont know how Maree or Jane would view it. I was about 18 when I first met my birth mother and 22 when I met my birth father. It 7.

was very emotional meeting my birth parents, especially my birth mother, whether it was different meeting my birth father because I had already been through the experience with my birth mother first, or maybe just different meeting my birth father because I automatically felt very in touch with him as we are very similar, I dont recall being particularly curious about them, but asked them about their family and the circumstances of my birth and adoption, and their life afterwards, why they split up, did they have more kids etc. Personally I feel mum and dad did an amazing job of empowering mike and I with the knowledge of our adoption and the whole method in which they helped manage our meetings with our birth parents. I never had any interest in meeting my birth parents, and I cannot say I thought about it at all, was very happy being part of the mccort family, and it wasnt until dad gave me a letter that my birth mother had written to me that I felt any emotional connection to my adoption, I still consider myself to be a mccort even though I can see great deal of myself in my birth parents and I can understand why I am who I am which maybe I wouldnt have without knowing them. This had led me to think about nature and nurture,how much who we are comes down to our genetic programming and how much er were raised ( environmental influences).I used to think nurture played a massive role but after meeting my birth father I tend to think nature plays a bigger role than I had originally thought,whilst I certainly recognise parts of my persona that have come from my dad ( I probably worry more than I ought to) and other parts of my personna that ooriginate from personal experiences, the amount of myself that I recognise in my birth father is massive,across the whole spectrum of my personality-‐ from what I value,to what interests me and what I don't find interesting, I am very much like my birth father in these respects, both of us have an innate love of nature and an inherent scepticism of humanity and topics such as religion etc. Physically I can see parts of my birth mother and birth father in me,emotionally I see a lot of dad in me,which is interesting as I can also recognise how this conflicts with some of the traits that have come from nature. Interview with My Grand Parents: We were initially a little nervous, as we wanted the best outcomes for our whole family. We were also very mindful of the fact that the birth parents of the little baby had made a huge decision that no doubt caused them much heartache. But at that time they unselfishly considered adoption to be the best option for their baby. They did not behave differently to the others. They were just like little individuals with their own personality within our family. They did not behave differently to the others. They were just like little individuals with their own personality within our family. We told Richard and Michael they were adopted from an early age and when they were around 10 -‐ 12 years we also mentioned that one day they may be able to meet their birth parents. At the time they did not show interest in following that idea up. It seemed to us that they felt that adoption did not make them any different, they knew other children at school who had also been adopted.

When they reached 15 or 16 we mentioned the idea again. They already had some knowledge about their birth parents family history that we had previously been given by Social Services. Initially they were reluctant and then decided it was worth following up on. That is when Gag and I became nervous. What if the birth parents did not want to make contact? What if only one of our boys was able to make contact and the other was rejected? We need say no more...... Both boys successfully met their birth parents and families and I am sure they will tell you about that in their part of your project. Richards birth parents live overseas but return to New Zealand to visit their parents so Richard was able to meet them here initially. He also flew over to visit them when he graduated from University. Mikes family all live in NewZealand so it has been easier for him to make contact. We are very grateful to have become part of a wider family group of lovely people and it is very satisfying to see how worthwhile it has been for Richard and Mike to belong to them. In Summary. There are many different reasons that lead to children being adopted. This may be because the parents could be too young, really poor, had a severe injury, death or even abandonment and the children have not being cared for properly. These adopted children have a different story to tell about their life. Some stories will be wonderful and show how by connecting with your past this offers a new perspective and a wider family circle, others are sad though, apart from that, most adopted children want to know where they came from and who they are. On a much bigger scale you could say that when a country takes in refugees, who have fled their home country because they fear for their lives, then we are adopting them as a country. New Zealand takes in refugees every year and in the past there have been some times when we have been called on to help out particular groups of people. During the Second World War New Zealand took 700 Polish children and 100 adults who were in need of help. Most of the children were orphans and were adopted by New Zealand families. These children maintained their links with each other though through a well-‐established Polish Association in NZ and in 2014 the 70th reunion was held for the Polish children who came here together during the war and have continued to support each other and maintain their links to their Polish heritage. The world is facing another refugee crisis -‐ the biggest since World war ll. 13.5 million people have been forced to leave their homes across Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey and the Kurdish Region of Iraq and in Syria itself. New Zealand has announced that we will take in an extra 600 Syrian refugees over the next 2 years. They will become our country's adopted people for us to look after. 9.

Bibliography. 1. http://www.debate.org/opinions/should-adopted-ch ildren-be-allowed-toseek-their-biological-parents-without-consent 2. http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-‐ style/parenting/pregnancy/conception/adoption/10819238/Adoption-‐My-‐birth-‐ mother-‐chose-‐not-‐to-‐see-‐me-‐after-‐I-‐was-‐born/ 2. http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/adoption 3. http://www.deeperweb.com 4. Adoption – Child, Youth and Family 7. http://www.cfo.org.nz/index.php/general-‐information 8. http://anyquestions.co.nz 9. https://www.lucidchart.com/documents#docs?folder_id=recent&browser=icon&sor t=saved-‐desc

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