Arcing by Adria Bailton

Arcing Adria Bailton

Arcing

by Adria Bailton

Trigger Warnings: Offscreen Domestic Violence, Fade-to-Black Consensual Sex Between 18-21 year olds, alcohol use/abuse, references to BDSM, cheating on a romantic partner

Copyright © 2024 by Adria Bailton

Rights Reserved First Digital Publication December 2024 Published by PULP Literary Magazine

I arrived at the carnival later than planned. The air smelled like freedom. Freedom from having to hide from my friends. Freedom from having to hide from Mama and Papa.

I strolled up to Destiny and Jackie outside the beer tent. They already had bottles in hand and directed me in. Yes, we were underage. So was almost everyone here. Calliope’s Carnival was a pop-up party held hours outside the city in a cleared and fallow farm field – a celebration for those who could get here on their own, without the frowning faces of guardians.

I wore my typical long sleeves, despite the Indian summer heat. The gawking of strangers at the scars on my arms crawled my skin. Best to cover them and avoid stares. To compensate, the shirt had a cut-out back and my shorts barely covered my ass. I was never allowed clothes like this at home.

I hadn’t completely moved out of the house. Not yet. But Mama was unbearable, pining after Papa, telling me how unfair the entire situation was. Meanwhile, Cella and Nina could not come home. Nina had brought it on herself, but Cella didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve this. Sleep eluded me in my old room, though, without them there. Most nights I spent at one of my friend’s. They let me crash on their couches. If I were honest, it was almost as hard to sleep in any room alone as it was to sleep alone in the room I’d shared with my sisters.

Tonight was about fun. And new boundaries.

I strode into the tent and toward the end of the bar. All the tables and seats were filled, but I only wanted to grab a beverage and head out. A man not much older than I who wore jeans, a dark tshirt and apron with shaggy, dark hair moved cases of bottles. As I stepped up to where he worked, he turned to me. He flashed a smile at me, and before I returned it, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. Like we were long-lost friends. Unexpected, but part of the fun of my night of sweet freedom. I hugged him back, raising up on my toes ever so slightly to rest my chin on his shoulder.

His hands splayed on my open back, work-roughed calloused fingers on my pristine skin, and his breath caressed the small hairs on the crook of my neck. We stood there long enough for me to wonder what we were doing and what was going on. He pulled back and I reluctantly let my hands drop away from him. He smelled like hard work and cheap soap.

“Will you meet me here tonight, after close?” he asked, his warm brown eyes filling my soul.

“Yes,” I answered without hesitation.

He nodded and resumed moving crates of bottles.

I met the gaze of another bartender as she handed me a bottle of beer I hadn’t ordered yet. She smiled knowingly at me. I took the proffered drink. Halfway to the exit, I was stopped by another man in a purple suit peddling a different beer.

I didn’t care about the drinks. I wasn’t sure I’d paid for the beer in my hand. I paid an entry fee to the fairgrounds, which covered the rides and the concert. Maybe it covered food and beverages too. Or some subset. Or maybe the agreement I’d just made to meet the man-who-hugged-me later got me free beer.

The salesman kept talking at me until I finally said I’d try it. He handed me a lightweight can, still sealed. Apparently, “try” was only a few swigs. I kept moving with my two beers in hand and he started his spiel at loud volume to someone else.

Outside the tent, I tasted the canned beer. I frowned – not good – and handed the can to Destiny, a friend who hadn’t left the area for university. She was not picky with her alcoholic beverages.

“I’m meeting someone tonight,” I said.

Destiny snorted. “Of course, Rosa shows up to the party and the guys fall all over themselves to ask her out.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Both my friends were taller than me, which wasn’t exactly a difficult prospect to achieve. I cleared that five-foot bar, but barely. Jackie bleached her hair and wore a contact-color-of-the-day, her beauty ethereal. Destiny had been born into money, and had the dark black hair, sculpted features highlighted exactly so with make-up, and toned body that having to keep a picture-perfect family required. Men turned when she walked by. They didn’t do that with me. It didn’t matter. Most men didn’t want what I wanted. Not the way I wanted it. But I didn’t talk to my friends about that.

“Will one of you take my car? I don’t want it sitting here overnight. Just in case.” I needed my car. I had to get to class. I would need it for a job.

“I can,” Jackie said.

I grinned at Jackie and handed her my keys

“Details,” Destiny demanded.

“The guy in there,” I gestured vaguely back towards the tent, “the one moving bottles.”

Both leaned ever-so-slightly to better peer through the tent opening. I chuckled and took a small taste of the remaining bottle in my hand.

“The one with the nice ass?” Destiny asked.

I shrugged. I considered the brief moment he’d been turned away from me, and concluded his ass was decent.

“He’s looking at you,” Jackie teased.

“He’s looking at the two of you checking him out,” I said. “Let’s go.”

We moved off to observe the rides. It wasn’t the safest, but we climbed into a ride that spun around and around, laughing the whole while.

One ride after another, flirting with strangers, drinking and eating, and laughing. Hanging with my besties far away from home propelled this to a nearly perfect night.

I nursed my beer; I didn’t want any concerns about sobriety later. But each time Jackie or Destiny wanted a new drink, they sent me to the beverage tent. Apparently their first beers had not been free. I didn’t cross paths with my date-for-later during those missions. He distributed beer to tables or moved cases. He smiled at me from across the room, but I didn’t approach him, and he didn’t approach me. We didn’t speak further.

A stage encompassed the far end of the grounds, where a band played loud, heavy-guitar and screaming vocals. It wasn’t my kind of music. Nina would have liked it. Nina loved music, all kinds of music. I’d caught her and Cella playing something exactly like this and bouncing around the kitchen after school more than once. I pushed thoughts of my younger sisters away. Tonight was for fun, for liberation.

Destiny and Jackie threaded through the mass of bodies, and the crowd hid the band from me. Eventually, I left them to make their moves and sat at a table. As the music died down, they found me.

“The music is loud,” I complained “Find anybody interesting?”

Destiny rolled her eyes. “Bunch of kids.”

I laughed. Our ages landed us smack dab in the middle of the crowd. No one was much younger than us.

A hand reached over and twirled my finally empty bottle. I followed the length of the arm up to meet the eyes of its owner, and the man from the beer tent gazed down at me, his eyes full of promise that tightened everything from my throat to my toes.

“I thought you were coming to the tent after,” he said.

“Is it time?” I had no idea when the tent closed.

He nodded and took my hand in his, stepping away and tugging gently. I smiled at my friends as I rose to follow him.

“Have fun,” Destiny stage whispered.

I winked and turned back to follow him. The namelessness needed to be remedied soon. As I expected he led me to a car a decade or so out of date. I took in the state of his vehicle, which was neater than I anticipated. And then he sat across from me, seated in the driver’s seat, eyes roving my body.

“What’s your name?” I asked him.

“Dan,” he answered, flashing white teeth at me. A plain name. I hoped for more than plain tonight.

“Rosa,” I answered the question he didn’t ask.

He ran his thumb along the bone of my cheek. “Beautiful. Just like you. May I kiss you?”

They all said I was beautiful. Those words meant nothing. The request for a kiss both boded well and did not. I was still learning the rules of the things I wanted. I was still learning about who I wanted to do them with.

“Yes,” I answered, my yearning lacing the word.

His lips pressed against mine, his fingers again finding the bare skin on my back. Shivers raced away from his touch He pulled me closer and braced me against him as our kiss deepened and intensified. I returned the hot kiss with fervor.

I relaxed under him, his lips, his tongue. He ran his hand through my hair, tugging slightly. Just a common tug, the one that doesn’t inflict pain except for the very soft. I took the invitation and ran my teeth across his lip. He chuckled low in his throat. I bit harder. Not hard enough to break skin or draw blood, but hard enough for a spike of pain.

He pulled back. “Is that what you like?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Your place or mine?”

“I don’t have a place.”

He released me and resettled himself into the driver’s seat. I sat back, and the engine grumbled to life.

“I don’t live close. About an hour drive.”

“That’s fine,” I said, observing other departing vehicles through the window. I only wondered if I was going to have one less or one more hour to get home in the end.

The car didn’t move.

He continued to stare at me.

“How much did you drink tonight?” he asked.

“Just the one beer. I kept going back to get my friends free booze.”

“How old are you?” he asked.

“Eighteen. Nineteen next month.” The past month felt like an entire year. “How old are you?”

“Twenty.” He smiled, then he put the car in gear and backed away from the fence.

We passed the hour in the car discussing safe words and what we liked and wanted. I was revved up after that conversation So was he

He barely had the vehicle stopped in the driveway of a small house before he was out of the car. Taking his cue, I exited. The temperature had been dropping since the sun went down. Leaving the warmth of the vehicle cooled me off right away.

Dan moved around the car and took my hand, leading me to the house. Our Indian summer was over. I rubbed my knees together to keep my bare legs warm for the moment, annoyed with my open back shirt.

The house boasted only two rooms. Dan pulled me through the front room which consisted of a small living space connected to a kitchenette. It was tidy, but the furniture older and worn. When we entered his bedroom, he released my hand and opened the second drawer of his dresser. I stood next to him and stared at the tools and toys. I ran my finger down a sharp blade, drawing blood.

“You didn’t say anything about cutting,” Dan reminded me.

I sucked the blood off my finger. I needed to learn more about cutting. I shook my head. Instead, he took a different item from the drawer, and led me to his bed. The pleasure mixed with pain was exquisite. I buried all my secrets in his skin, and let the hours fade into redemption.

I awoke bare-skinned in an unfamiliar bed, facing a grey wood-paneled wall, and freezing. The threadbare blanket covering me did little to keep the cold out. Dan laid next to me, an arm thrown over his face in a pose I worried meant he regretted bringing me home last night. I’d never stayed the night with someone before. To my chagrin, I’d slept the best I had since my sisters were taken away.

His eyes slid from the ceiling to me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey. Um, I’ll get dressed. I didn’t mean to stay the night.”

“You mean sleep a few hours after excellent sex?” He shook his head and puckered his lips. He reached out and pulled me to him, wrapping himself around me “I’m sorry I didn’t have the heat

on last night. It’s been so warm.”

He rubbed his hands against my arms and back, trying to warm me. Instead, he put pressure on my sore spots.

“And you were sleeping,” he said so quietly I barely heard him.

“How did you know that you could hug me last night and invite me for …?” Except for that embrace, everything else he’d done had been checked first with me. It made little sense.

“I dream of worlds, other worlds. Some of those worlds contain you.”

This response made even less sense. And it reminded me of Nina, who told me stories of things we’d done when we were kids. Things we hadn’t done. She’d get a dreamy expression, not so different than Dan’s right now. Then she’d return to herself. She never said anything about other worlds, but her stories told of families – the same yet different than ours.

“You and I are amazing together in some other world,” he said and kissed me. Nina’s oddities were erased from my mind.

We were really getting going again when his phone dinged several notifications. He stilled and sighed heavily.

“I have to check those.”

I nodded my understanding.

“I’ve got to make a call,” he said after a quick check of his phone. He slipped out of bed, pulled on jeans from the floor nearby and left the room.

I sat up and swung my legs out of the bed. It was quite cold, and my skin raised in bumps.

I gathered my clothes and dressed, unhappy about the lightweight options I’d selected for the night before. I texted Destiny and Jackie if they’d gotten home before calling a ride share. Jackie had gone, but Destiny was at a hotel not too far away. She promised to pick me up. After freshening up in the adjacent bathroom, I entered the other room.

Dan stood in the kitchenette, examining his phone.

“With the cold, the carnival is over here. I need to head back and help dismantle it,” he said. “I’ll drive you back to the grounds or maybe take you home Where is home?”

“Omaha. I have a ride coming. My friend took my car. Can I wait ‘til she gets here?”

“City girl, huh?” He smiled.

I smiled half-heartedly and tried not to shiver or let on how cold I was now.

“Yeah, you can wait. I have to get going, though.”

I nodded. “Where will Calliope’s go next?”

His lips twitched. “South, probably Texas.”

I shouldn’t ask the next question. This was fun. It was what I wanted and needed. I didn’t have relationships with the men who did the things I wanted to me. I’d had a couple boyfriends in high school. Boys who stayed inside the lines, living up to appropriate and expected. I’d had sex with one of them. It was plain, fumbling, and dissatisfying. Besides, university pressed in upon me. I didn’t have time for a 90-minute drive one-way, for a boyfriend or for good sex.

“Do you go with them?” I asked.

He nodded. “It’s my job. Do you need warmer clothes? I have sweats and long-sleeve shirts. They’d be a little big on you.”

I bit my lip. I shouldn’t ask. “How long before you head south?”

He shrugged. “Couple days.”

I had to get my stuff from my room. I had classes on Monday and homework to complete. I had to find a permanent place to stay. I needed to find a job that paid rent. I couldn’t make it work. Regret dripped down my body, pooling in bruises.

“I don’t have a way to get anything back to you. I shouldn’t take it,” I said.

He rolled his eyes. “If you say so. I need to get dressed. There’s not much in the fridge, but if you want something to eat, you’re welcome to it.”

The hole in my belly wouldn’t be filled with food. “Thank you.”

He stopped near the thermostat and the heat kicked on. I explored the small space, moving to keep warm. A calendar hung off a corkboard. Images of girls who resembled Dan and a couple who were probably his parents littered the months. On a whim, I applied my lip color and pressed my lips to yesterday’s date, leaving a mark. I pulled a pen from my purse and signed Rosa. Something to remember me by.

I contemplated leaving my number there, too. But it was too obvious, or maybe it would ruin his family calendar – his one-night stand writing all over it. Destiny arrived before I committed the digits. And before Dan returned to the room. I left without saying goodbye. I’d meant to. I briefly considered leaving a different note. But he was heading to Texas in two days. I certainly wasn’t starting a long-distance relationship based off one night even if it had been everything I wanted and needed. This had been to release myself from my life for a single night. The imprint on the calendar would have to be enough.

Destiny’s mansion-on-wheels hulked across the street. I rushed over and she rolled down her window.

“Girl, you must be freezing! Grab some warm clothes from the back.” Destiny kept an entire wardrobe in the back of her vehicle. Like magic, the rear hatch opened. I dug through and found some stretchy, warm pants and an extra sweatshirt. Dan’s sweatpants might’ve fit me better. I climbed into the front seat, clothes tucked under one arm.

“How was your night?” she asked, punching some dash buttons and pulling away. My body suffused with warmth from the seat and the vents.

“Good. Very good.”

The dark tint of the windows concealed me from the view of anyone outside the vehicle, and I shucked off my shorts to pull on the pants.

“What the – do I need to fuck someone’s shit up, girl?” Destiny asked as she slammed the brakes. She stared at large marks on my thighs from the night before, her eyes wide.

“No. This was a part of the good night.”

“Oh,” she said. A pause. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” I finished pulling on the pants and the sweatshirt and buckled in. Destiny was still stopped, looking at me with too much white around her eyes and her mouth ajar

“I’m ready; let’s go.”

The vehicle lurched forward.

“How was your night?” I asked.

“I had a little fun. Nothing that left bruises.”

“Okay. I get it. But I promise it was all okay.” Teeth and toys played through my mind. If I were prone to blushing, I would have. I smiled a little and my breath hitched.

She grinned. “Now I want details. Including when you’re hooking up again.”

“I doubt we’ll see each other again. We didn’t exchange numbers.”

“I will turn around and we can remedy that.”

“He was heading to work and then to Texas. Either my good night wasn’t as good for him so he really gave me a story to ditch me, or, well, he’s going to Texas. Even if he were here, I don’t have time for...”

“For what? Good sex? A boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“You deserve happiness.”

“That’s not what this is. This was a fun night that I get to have once in a while. Besides, do you think with how easily all that went he doesn’t collect a girl most nights of the week working the beer tent? He doesn’t want a girlfriend. And he doesn’t need a booty call that lives a ninetyminute drive or several states away if he is going to Texas.”

“Oh, I don’t care about him at all. I just want you happy. And fulfilled.”

“Aw, thanks. But I’m satisfied with the current status. Anyway, I only got a couple hours of sleep. Can I rest my eyes a bit or do you need me to keep you awake?”

“I still don’t have the details I want,” she complained.

I rolled my eyes at her. “Very well.”

Three sharp knocks on the front door distracted me from scrubbing Nina’s blood off the living room wood floor. All the emergency services had gone by then. Nina and Cella had been bundled up quickly and taken by ambulance to the hospital. Investigators had taken Papa to assessment, and Mama had followed him.

I told myself I’d go to the hospital for Cella once everything was clean. The knocks startled me. I rose from my knees, drying my hands on my pants, and opened the door a crack. Outsiders weren’t welcome here

“Rosa, I’m Cheri Harbin from Family Services. I just came from visiting your sisters at the hospital. I thought you might be there.”

The time was later than I’d clocked. “I was cleaning up here. I’m going soon.”

“Visitors are closed for now. Nina wasn’t awake yet from surgery anyway. You can go tomorrow.”

“Where will Cella stay?” Concern over my thirteen-year-old sister’s sleeping situation squeezed my chest.

“They’re sharing a room tonight. That’s what I’m here about – what happens to you girls now. May I come in?”

Mama and Papa would be angry if I let her in. But the investigators had said someone from Family Services would come to talk to Mama and me. Mama had left anyway.

“What do you need?” I asked, unwilling to break the house rules, even after so many strangers had been here.

“Your father is not coming home for a long time. Your mother has been assigned to a different social worker. When we got word she went to assessment instead of the hospital, well, that’s not good. My job is to make sure you girls are safe and cared for– today and in the months and years to come.”

“I’m eighteen,” I said.

“You have protections until you’re nineteen and then other assistance is available.” She held my gaze “You’re really not going to let me in?”

“I can’t.”

She nodded. “Would you like to go somewhere where we can talk? It’s important that we talk, Rosa.”

I acquiesced. I left her standing on the front porch while I washed up a little and changed into clean clothes.

Cheri took me to a restaurant. We didn’t talk about the day’s events. She said they already had everything they needed. Instead, we talked about all the years before.

When I got home, the house was still empty, reflecting my inner hollowness. I finished cleaning the floor and went to bed. It had been fifteen years since I last slept alone in a room. I used to crave the opportunity that never came. Now, sleep evaded me without the soft sounds of my sisters’ breathing.

Mama returned late in the night. I stood in my bedroom door as she creaked up the steps.

“They wouldn’t let your papa come home tonight,” she said.

“Were you there all this time?” What were the rules for visitors at assessment? If visitors at the hospital were closed when I went to dinner, how were they open at assessment?

“I waited in the car for him. They asked me to leave the parking lot, so now I’m home.”

Her anger and dejection pricked at me.

“I’m going to the hospital in the morning to visit Cella and Nina. Do you want to come, too?” I asked.

Scorn covered her features. She dismissed me with a sharp motion of her arm and turned away to her own room without another word.

I slid my bedroom door shut and returned to my bed, only to stare at the empty ones until the sun rose.

Cella was awake when I arrived at the hospital. Her arms were well bandaged. Nina was asleep.

“She woke up during surgery the nurses said,” Cella said. “They’ve put her on some really strong stuff.”

“Has she been awake at all?”

Cella nodded. “We talked last night. She doesn’t remember anything.”

That was typical of Nina when she had an episode, the event that led to all this mess.

“Did you talk to the woman from Family Services? Cheri?”

“Yeah. Is Mama coming?”

“Maybe after work,” I suggested. Mama had gone to work as if nothing different than usual had happened in our home yesterday.

“Did she say that?” The hope in Cella’s eyes broke me.

I slowly shook my head. Her hope crumbled.

“We’ll get through this. Just like we get through everything,” I said, hugging my little sister.

I left when lunch arrived for Cella and Nina still hadn’t woken. Cheri’s comments about finding homes and support surfaced. Doing well in university was no longer a matter of keeping Papa happy, but the way I was going to take care of Cella. I spent the afternoon talking to a career counselor about the fastest route to self-sufficiency and changed my major from business to nursing. My coursework didn’t change with the major, a perk of taking the generic first term at university classes.

Less than a week of Mama coming home late because she went straight to assessment first, snapping at me and making life miserable, turned my evenings spent at Jackie or Destiny’s turned into overnights more often than not.

“What do I need to do to get Cella?” I asked Cheri at one of our weekly meetings.

“She’s going to a foster family.”

“Why?”

“Has your mother not told you?” Cheri took a long drink of her coffee.

“No. We go to Mass on Sundays and have breakfast. She talks about Papa and the poor decisions I’m making with my life.”

“Mm-hm. Your mother never once attempted to visit your sisters. Did you know that?”

I gave a single nod. Cella and Nina both mentioned Mama had never come.

“Rosa, you are a smart girl. This willful ignorance about your mother does not serve you. She’s being charged with abandonment. Cella and Nina will not be returning to her. Your father will go to rehabilitation for a long time. His case is unlikely to go any other way.”

“Then I should get Cella.” Cella and I texted multiple times a day. She didn’t want to come home, and I couldn’t blame her. Every time I walked through the front door, my stomach cramped painfully.

“Where are you living right now?”

I bit my lip. Home the nights I needed to do my laundry. Someone’s couch most other nights.

“I’ve got good news. Because of the status of your parents, you have housing assistance. Have you found a job yet?”

“My friend Jackie is also in nursing and has a job at the hospital. She’s helping me find something similar.” I held Cheri’s gaze. “I want my sister.”

“Get a job, get your own place. Then we’ll talk if you have a case for your sisters.”

“I –” I stopped myself. Telling Cheri I didn’t want Nina, that she was too hard, probably wouldn’t help my plea for Cella.

The next few months passed with weekly meetings with Cheri, weekly Mass with Mama, and focusing on schoolwork There were no more carnivals Not in the winter I continued to date Few of the classmates I went out with met my needs, and I had a few liaisons that did. Nothing lasted. But relationships weren’t my interest. Dating and liaisons wouldn’t help me help Cella. I did well in my classes. I found a job at Patience Hospital because the hospital and university had a program as a part of the preparation for becoming a nurse.

Mama’s abandonment case provided extra support for me. I qualified for housing near the hospital. It was small – a single bedroom and a narrow living room and kitchen. The bathroom had a small bathtub with shower and just enough counter space for me. My car stayed parked in the street. I could walk to the hospital, and a bus route ran regularly from there to the university. For the first and only time in my life, things were going my way.

I aged out of working at Calliope’s Carnival. Texas had allure, but instead, I went home. Despite being happy to see me after eight months, my family had no help to give. They’d cleaned out my rental when I’d followed my job so abruptly. I moved to the big city. It wasn’t big compared to the major cities in Texas, but it was the biggest in the state.

At least now I could legally do the job I’d done for the carnival. So, I did. I drove a truck delivering a local craft beer to the local bars. It kept me in the area. And there were perks.

After a few weeks on my route, I grew tired of eating at the lunch time bar stop. However, there was a café next door. I would get food to eat in my truck and finish my route early. Plan made, I left my truck behind the bar and entered the café.

“I’d like to-go,” I told the man behind the register.

“Do you have an order ready?” He asked, bringing his attention up to me.

“No. I need to order.”

He handed me a menu. “Have a seat over there and I’ll be by shortly.” He smiled at me, a dimple forming in his left cheek and his hazel eyes crinkling. I smiled back. I’d be getting more than just food today.

I sat at the indicated booth. The next one down didn’t have anybody seated in it, and the second one down had a couple. A large man who wore a staff shirt and apron had his back to me, and someone smaller his bulk hid from view. I read the menu.

The large man spoke. “She’s fine. I’m glad you finally came.”

His boothmate did not answer.

“You’re welcome any time. Whether it’s during Nina’s shift or not.”

“Thank you,” a woman’s voice answered, quiet as if from farther away than the other side of the booth.

“You stay and eat. I’ll send Nina over with some food.”

The man angled himself out of the booth attracting my attention. I immediately recognized the woman. Rosa.

Rosa. I dreamed of her. Every few weeks I dreamed of her on other worlds – sometimes we were together, sometimes we were not. And nearly weekly I dreamed of her, of the night we spent together. Finally meeting her last fall after all the years of dreaming about her, she’d been more than I’d ever imagined. I’d been so excited when she’d appeared before me at the carnival, I’d forgotten myself and taken her into my arms. It had taken a full minute for me to come to my senses. I’d hoped I might run into her again, but hadn’t expected it. Not with my job taking me to bars and her being underage. Not with a city of half a million and no idea about her other than she’d shown up once at Calliope’s Carnival and our amazing night together. And the remembrance on my calendar.

Rosa had lost weight since the fall. And she had so little weight to lose. I studied her profile as she contemplated the restaurant. I followed her line of sight and spotted a girl who was sixteen or so with a staff t-shirt and bulky, metal braces on her arms carefully stacking dishes.

The large man blocked my view. “Are you ready to order?” he asked.

“Almost,” I said.

He leaned a bit menacingly. “Eyes on your own paper.”

I swallowed and nodded, returning my attention to the menu. Maybe I would just get my food and go, Dimple and Rosa both slipping through my grasp.

Dimple appeared at the table. “Are you ready to order?” He had no smile for me now. Whatever barrier I’d breached for the older man had been passed on.

“Yeah. I’ll have the burger and fries.” Easy enough to eat in my truck without creating a mess, though not much different than the bar food. Sticking with my earlier reaction, I added, “And your number.”

“Why?” he asked

“Why” was never one of the responses I received. I either got the number or a no. The no’s from men were usually ones who hadn’t figured out themselves yet. This one hadn’t been confused at the register.

“Never mind then. I just thought you felt the same electricity I did,” I said.

His eyes brightened. There we go.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said and stepped away.

I pulled out my phone, trying to figure out how to approach Rosa. The girl she’d been watching walked past my table carrying a plate of food. Now I knew why, with their matched nearly black hair and brown eyes. Their similar facial features with broad lips and perfect cheekbones could be the difference in photos of the same person a few years apart. With this closer view, I recognized her as Nina from Dream Rosa’s younger sisters. I encountered this one frequently with Rosa, though not always.

Nina placed the plate in front of Rosa and plopped down next to her.

She launched into some explanation in a language I didn’t comprehend, but it was familiar. Familiar the way Rosa had been familiar. One I’d heard on many different worlds, whenever the two were together. I kept my eyes averted from them, despite longing to stare at Rosa across the tables. Their voices were music.

I held my phone at an angle, trying to keep Rosa in my peripheral view. She never took her gaze from her sister. Dimple arrived with my food and to collect payment. His smile returned. I flirted a bit. Just enough to regain his interest. Just enough that my receipt came with his name, Bob, and number on the back. I texted him before leaving the café and received a dimpled smile cast my way before I left.

I didn’t see Rosa again. Not for a while. But I saw Bob, and a lot of Rosa’s sister, Nina. If I didn’t already know better, I would have thought she was Bob’s little sister. He was very protective of her. So protective that I’d get texts canceling dates that the only explanation was a simple, “Nina needs me.”

I tried to ask about Nina, but Bob would deflect. Then, one evening, while I ate dinner at the café with Bob on his break, Nina did … something. Bob perceived the change instantly, his head snapped to her before the plate shattered on the floor, bringing the café’s attention to her. She stared at the table she was clearing, absolutely still. Bob was out of the booth and checking her hands, murmuring to her Another busser hurried over and picked up the pieces at Nina’s feet She stared at him until Bob drew her aside, just enough that the person wasn’t so close to her.

He told her to breathe. She followed his lead. Then she returned to clearing the table. She didn’t smile, the expression she was often so free with, though. She didn’t have any expression. I’d never observed anything like it. Her soul had fled her body. She was always quiet and reserved. Somehow, she withdrew even further into herself. She moved stiffly, but she executed her job

duties.

Bob returned to the table, sat, and pulled out his phone. He texted briefly with someone before speaking.

“I’m going to make sure Nina gets home tonight. I’ll come over after. Okay?”

“Sure.” At least now I understood why he sometimes canceled our plans, if she did this and he wouldn’t leave her.

I had no evening plans, so I hung around. Bob shadowed Nina. It wasn’t busy, and my table wasn’t needed. At her break, Bob sat her in the booth with me. He placed a plate of food in front of her, but she didn’t eat. She didn’t speak. She simply sat with her hands folded on the table in front of her. She didn’t remain seated long. After ten minutes, she rose and resumed clearing tables, starting with the food sitting in front of her.

My university term ended. Nina had spent a month in the hospital, then moved to a care home for a few months before settling into the same foster home as Cella. I’d taken Cella and visited Nina at the care home once per week per Cheri’s recommendation. The positive relationship free of the influence of our parents required nurturing. I was still trying to get Cella to live with me, though being in university and working did not necessarily provide the stability the system wanted. Considering the amount of training her foster home had gone through so that Nina could join Cella there to accommodate her recovery needs, I’d never qualify for Nina. Which was fine with me.

I visited Mama every Sunday for Mass and breakfast. Papa’s rehabilitation term was determined to be eighteen months. Mama tsked about Nina every chance she got. I understood her blame of Nina. I blamed Nina, too. I always told Mama about Cella’s good grades but she rarely acknowledged her youngest child. Cella’s devotion to Nina had soured her in Mama’s eyes.

Besides our weekly meeting, once a month Cheri did a home check at my apartment to make sure it passed the requirements of my financial assistance. I hoped it would be an okay place for Cella to live with me. Once they were both in the foster home, the weekly visits disappeared. Cheri was adamant I find a way to continue them.

Nina was simple enough. Once her arms had healed sufficiently, she’d resumed her job at the café that she’d only gotten a few weeks before her accident. I was welcome at the café and tried to stop in often during one of Nina’s shifts. I began to give her rides for work on occasion. While I lived near the hospital, and the café was between the university and hospital, it was not close to her foster home.

Frustratingly, Cella was more difficult. She didn’t have a job, being only thirteen, so we had to make specific plans. Every couple of weeks, the three of us got together. Tonight, we viewed movies at my apartment. Cella waited in my car while I ran into the café.

Nina waited a few feet inside the door, out of the way but close .

“Ready?” I asked.

“Yes. Can you help with some snacks the kitchen sent?”

I nodded, heading further into the café, and caught sight of a person I never expected to encounter again. He sat at the staff family and friends booth. I stopped short. Dan already stared at me and nodded as though he fully expected me there. I gave him a small wave.

Nina stood beside me holding out bags of food towards me. “That’s Dan, Bob’s boyfriend. Do you know him?”

“We met once,” I said. I bit my lip remembering the night we spent and then focused on my sister.

“Do you want me to reintroduce you?” she offered, shoving the bags of food into my hands.

I considered it. But the “Bob’s boyfriend” bit staied my interest. I gave a small shake of my head.

“No. Let’s go.”

Dan’s gaze lingered on me, and I smiled at him before following Nina out the door laden with food. Cella reached through the car window and collected the bags out of my hands.

“Is there a cinnamon roll?” she asked, rifling through the bags now in her lap in the front passenger seat.

Nina laughed as she opened the back door. “Of course! There’s three! But wait until we’re on Rosa’s couch to eat them.”

“What else did they send?” I asked Nina.

“Sandwiches, fries, cake.”

“Dinner and dessert? And breakfast? You can’t stay over. I have to take you home by midnight.” We operated under strict rules. I was showing the system I could take care of my sisters.

Cheri waited at my apartment. She spot checked for safety and security. Cella followed her, chatting amicably. Nina clammed up. She stood in the kitchen unpacking the food in slow motion.

“You don’t like Cheri?” I asked after the social worker left.

“She reminds me of the hospice center.” She rubbed her arms absently and frowned.

Cella cast Nina a doleful look. Nina didn’t do it on purpose, I was certain of that. But the rock that thumped into my stomach had no sisterly love attached.

Nina disappeared into herself. Cella bumped her shoulder gently against Nina’s, gaining her attention. It was all it took. Nina sorted out our sandwiches and we sat on the couch, ready for the action movie Nina suggested. I had a Rom Com queued up. And so our first movie night began.

In all this time of dating Bob, and being at the café having lunch or dinner on his break, Rosa had never reappeared. Nina didn’t talk much. Between the very few words I’d pried out of her and getting Bob to tell me a bit about this girl he was so protective of, I’d learned she and her younger sister lived in a foster home, and Rosa was on her own. My hopes of running into Rosa grew thin. Until she’d shown up the one night a couple of weeks ago. She’d waved and smiled with only a slight twitch of her lips.

That was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Bob. None of us knew it yet.

Bob was having a party in celebration of the solstice. I helped him get his place ready. It was a come and go as you please event with a guest list encompassing nearly everyone he knew. Despite this, and knowing how close he was with Nina, I was still surprised when she walked in the door, followed by Rosa.

They wore identical, thin but opaque, black fitted long sleeve shirts. I knew what lay below Rosa’s sleeves. Scars littered her arms in some of my dreams as well. Sometimes I was an outsider with my Dream Rosas, sometimes we were good friends, and sometimes we were together. Rosa wore short-shorts, a nod to the heat. Nina’s hair supported a crown of flowers through a mess of mini-braids. Rosa had a smaller bun with some flowers. After all those years elsewhere, I’d taken the chance I’d had with her here. And now she gave me another chance. Bob and Nina hugged, and Nina dragged him to the stereo system where they began discussing music. Rosa appeared like a cat beside me. I might have jumped if I hadn’t kept a surreptitious eye on her the whole time.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

“How was Texas?” Rosa asked.

“Busy. Fun. Hot.”

“And what brought you here?” Her voice held an ounce of suspicion.

“Opportunity.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, skepticism rich in her voice.

“I really did go. It wasn’t a line to put you off. I should have gotten your number.” The only thing I regretted about that night and the next day was not asking for her number.

Her eyes darkened. “It wouldn’t have worked out.”

“Can I get it now?”

“Aren’t you Bob’s boyfriend?”

“Yes, and Bob is nice and tender. He’s so sweet to your sister. But I only do nice and tender and sweet for so long.”

I held her gaze. She maintained an unreadable, cool exterior until she relented with that slight upcurve of her lip.

“Should I just rattle it off or…” She held out her hand.

I thumbed my phone unlocked and handed it to her. I couldn’t help the smug smile that graced my face. She handed it back.

“Can I take a photo for the contact?” I asked.

“Sure,” and she posed. After I snapped her photo, she added, “I have to get going. Nina plans to text me when she’s ready to be picked up. Text me if you want her out of your hair early.”

“You’re not staying for the party?” My disappointment stung more than I expected.

“You’re not the only one with solstice plans.” She glanced at Bob. She patted my hand and left. Even that light touch ignited me. * * *

I texted her the next day. Her response was fast. We texted on and off for days. Normally, texts with a new person I’m interested in went according to plan. Not with Rosa. I’d talked with her so many times in my dreams, but this was the real Rosa. Learning about her, getting to know her, made me happy. The anticipitaton of her response to my messages nearly killed me. For the first time ever, I paced myself because I wanted to respond immediately each time. Somehow, we delved into questions about her life and favorites and my life and favorites.

Which brought us to meals. Her lack of knowledge of places to eat needed to be rectified. What a perfect opportunity to have lunch with her. If I could have swung lunch right away, I would have. But she was working inconveniently when my lunch hour fell. I had good leeway with my truck and deliveries, but not enough to get by her hospital and enjoy a lunch with her. She also didn’t get much time for her breaks.

We agreed I would bring her take out from my favorite chicken place on her lunch on Saturday, since I didn’t drive on Saturdays. It was only a few days away.

I arrived at the picnic tables in the hospital courtyard, bag of chicken and utensils in hand. I picked a table in the shade and texted her. She came out in scrubs with long sleeves underneath a short sleeve shirt.

“Won’t you be too warm?” I asked.

She only gave me a long look while unpacking the lunch I’d brought her.

“This is a lot of food,” she commented instead.

I merely smiled. I had a plan.

Lunch went too fast. Our conversation interrupted by her phone buzzing on the table. She stood and I followed, staying close.

“Thanks for lunch. I can’t believe how much there was. You’ll have leftovers for a week!” she said.

“Take it,” I suggested.

“I can’t.”

“You can. They like to give me extra.”

She frowned. “Besides, I don’t have a place to store it. I don’t have access to the staff fridge.”

That was a problem. “I’ll bring it to you after your shift.”

“Don’t you have plans tonight?”

I shook my head. “Plans to bring you chicken.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sure, then. I’ll text you when I get home.”

I didn’t want to go without feeling her skin under my fingers. Her hand pat from the party had been ever on my mind, but I didn’t want to embarrass her at work.

“May I give you a hug goodbye?” I asked.

Her mouth turned up at the edge. Her smiles were always so reserved. She nodded and I wrapped my arms around her small frame. She rested her chin on my shoulder the same as she had that first time I hugged her. I held onto her a moment longer than I should.

When I released her, her smile widened. Then she strode across the courtyard. I gathered the food and went home to wait.

It was a long wait. She let me know she picked up more hours. She constantly worried about money, and things like making rent. Her car needed repairs, too. She needed the extra hours, despite my impatience.

She texted me she was home late that night, a courtesy more than an invitation at that point. But I already had her address. And she didn’t live far.

I texted her from outside her door, and she opened it within seconds. She shed her clothes downs to a long-sleeve white shirt, which clung to her physique leaving nothing to the imagination, and a pair of pajama shorts. I held up the food.

“I brought your leftovers.”

She waved me into her small apartment and accepted my offering. While the apartment was smaller than mine, her furniture was nicer.

“Did you get dinner?” I asked.

“Yeah. I got a sandwich from the cafeteria.”

I raised my eyebrows at her. “Only a sandwich?”

“I’m fine. Really.”

I let it go. “What are your plans for the rest of the evening?”

“I was heading to bed,” she answered.

“Oh?” I asked, adding a hint of suggestion to my voice. She laughed. “Maybe later.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

“Do.” I sat on her couch. She sank down next to me and I admired her a moment.

“How was work?” I asked.

More than our texts, I enjoyed talking to her face-to-face. While we’d had a specific focus in my car all those months ago, I found I enjoyed talking to her and learning her small expressions.

Soon she was supporting her head on her hand and collapsing in on herself. She had worked twelve hours, and her job was physically demanding. And she didn’t eat enough. I’d push that later.

“I should get going,” I said, standing.

She rose. “Thank you. I have to get up early for – I have to get up early.”

I nodded. This time I hugged her without asking, and she fit herself perfectly to me. I pressed my face against her neck, inhaling her scent. We stood like that far longer than we had earlier. She pulled back, tilting her face towards me.

“May I kiss you?” I asked. She had been much more restrained now than when we first met.

“I should say ‘no’,” she answered. But she closed the small distance between our lips.

This was the feisty Rosa I’d met last October. Her teeth skimmed my lips. I tightened my hold on her. If she hadn’t just expressed doubt, I would have taken her to the bedroom. But she had and I wanted none of that. I broke our kiss and stepped away.

“Goodnight, Rosa.”

I went home pleased with my day.

In the morning, I sent her a meme. I got a laughing emoji back for my efforts.

I asked about her morning.

Her response came, “Can’t text. Call if you want.”

I don’t know what she was doing, but we talked for twenty minutes before she had to go. Thus began our daily phone calls in addition to our regular texting. Sometimes we talked for five minutes, sometimes an hour.

I convinced her on her day off to ride along with me. It started with her asking about my workday. She arrived with coffee and scones. That day she deflected all questions about her and instead we talked about me. I told her about my family and growing up in a small town out in the boonies, and the magic that existed there.

She accepted my stories. I hinted at the Dream Rosas. I was never in control in those dreams. But it was real. And Rosa never said a word contrary to my experience, she only donned a thoughtful expression.

“Have you ever been wrapped in ribbons?” Dan asked during our daily phone call.

“Yes,” I said, recalling a liaison who specifically requested binding. I’d found I needed to have more trust in the person.

“Did you like it?” he asked.

“Have you ever wrapped someone in ribbons?” I asked instead of answering.

“No. But I’d like to wrap you in ribbons.”

My breath hitched. Once in my head, the idea of Dan binding me would not leave me alone.

“Do you want to come over?” he asked.

“I’m on my way.”

“What do you want for dinner?”

I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, discussing a meal I cared nothing about. Dan greeted me at his door with a kiss that did aught to cool me off. But he insisted on dining first, the food arrived shortly after I did.

The evening progressed well. Very, very well. Until it was time for me to leave and my phone was missing. We tried calling it on Dan’s phone with no luck. Did I leave it in my car? Dan pinged it, showing it in the apartment. Eventually we found it under a couch cushion. I accepted the ping, which allowed future pings if he ever needed to.

It took another couple of weeks for our schedules to match up properly. We encountered each other at the café a couple times. How not, with Bob and Nina working similar schedules?

Rosa and I planned to meet again tonight, for the third time since I’d gotten her number almost a month ago. I’d broken up with Bob today over lunch. As I’d told Rosa, nice, tender, and sweet were not things I did for too long. Rosa had already given me more than Bob ever could. And I wanted more from her. Bob hadn’t signed up for this. He’d suspected I’d met someone else, citing my inability to ignore texts ever since the solstice.

“Who is it? I’ve been trying to figure out who you met at my party.”

“Rosa.”

He guffawed. “Rosa? Really?” He looked everywhere but me. “Rosa. Is that who you went to pick up in the middle of the night last week?”

“She’d taken an extra half-shift and I worried about her walking home in the rain at that hour.”

He stared at his thumbs on the table. “Do I want to ask what happened once you took her home?”

“Nothing happened,” I answered. Not that time.

I wished him well and told him I’d stay out of his hair if he preferred. We figured we’d run into each other, attached as he was to Rosa’s sister. It was as amicable a breakup as any. I purchased a rose on the way home. Rosa texted she’d gotten delayed on her errands, but she’d message me when she was ready. Based on our previous trysts, Rosa thought we were meeting to perhaps get too carried away again. I wanted to take her on a real date. It disappointed me. I’d planned to ask if she wanted to get dinner, starting our evening earlier than a rendezvous entailed.

I filled my time, but my edginess persisted. Half-an-hour after we were supposed to meet, I texted her if she had an idea when we’d get together tonight. No response. I gave it another half-hour and another text, asking if she wanted me to bring dinner. No response. Two-and-a- half hours later with no responses to my texts, I got in my car and drove over to her place anyway.

This was all too strange. I broke up with my boyfriend today for her. No way was she ghosting me.

I knocked on her apartment door. No answer.

I pinged her phone and got a distance indicating she was either in her apartment or one of the nearby ones.

I knocked again, and called loudly, “Rosa, I know you’re in there. Please let me in.”

The locks clicked and the door opened a handspan. Half of Rosa’s face appeared.

“I’m sorry. I should have responded and just canceled. Tonight’s gone bad,” she said through clenched teeth. She stood oddly angled to the door, and her skin was mottled and puffy.

“Are you okay?” Strange turned to concern.

“I’m fine.” Anger coated her words. I didn’t understand.

I held out the rose towards the cracked door. She stared at it. Established boundaries and consent was the entirety of our relationship so far. I’d already broken one by showing up after she’d told me not to. What I did next might ruin us.

I placed my hand against the door and pushed firmly. I didn’t want to hurt her. I met resistance, so I didn’t force it. But I didn’t release the pressure either.

“You don’t seem fine to me. Please let me in,” I said.

She sighed and the door swung inward as she turned and walked further into the apartment. Her shirt had a strange texture, like it had gotten wet with something sticky and dried.

“What’s going on?” I asked, shutting the door behind me.

She turned. The entire side of her face was swollen, and bruises patterned a purple motif. I reached out a hand and she smacked it away. I stepped toward her to – I don’t know for sure. She raised her hands, fending me off and knocking the rose out of mine. It fell to the floor, both of us tracking its trajectory in stillness.

A noise emanated from her throat that I had never heard from a human before and certainly never from Rosa.

“Why are you here?” she asked, temper bubbling through her words.

I’d come because we had plans and she never texted me back. It was unlike her. I’d come because I wanted something more. Did showing up when she’d been silent warrant this response?

“We had plans-”

“Yes. And I should have responded and canceled. Why are you here?” Her voice became quieter and more controlled. Ice encased her words.

My impetuosity incurred her ire. I sighed.

“Go home, Dan. I’ll text you –” She waved a hand. Her voice was still icy.

“No.”

“No? No? What gives you the right?” Her anger was warming. I could deal with that.

I slowly picked up the rose and held it out to her.

“I don’t want your rose. I want you to go. Now.”

“Why?” I asked, putting a demand in my voice.

“Because I don’t want you here.”

“Why not?”

“I have to have a reason?”

“Yes. We had plans you failed to cancel. I’m here because this isn’t like you.”

“You don’t know me!”

I took a breath. There was a lot of hurt in that sentence. “You’re wrong. I know you. I know you’re a bit standoffish, except when you’re not. I know you work harder than anybody, and you are a firecracker when you let yourself be free. I know there’s a well of pain inside you that you’ve created a fortress to hide.”

She took a heaving breath, her chest raising and falling, then another and another. I took a step toward her and she allowed it. I closed the distance between us while she stood like a frozen deer.

I wrapped my arms around her, careful of unseen injuries.

She trembled in my arms. Her constant underlayer was moist and sticky. I held her as lightly as possible while keeping a firm hold. After a few moments, I released her.

“Do you want to change into clean clothes? What have you done for your face?”

“I haven’t been home long. I haven’t done anything.” She swallowed thickly.

“Rough day at work?” I guessed.

She shook her head. “No more than usual. Busy.” Her words broke off.

“Did you get a chance to eat?” Rosa skipped meals far too often. Her fridge was frequently nearly bare.

“No. No chance.”

I nodded.

She stood completely still.

“So, about your clothes?”

“A shower.” Her disconnect concerned me. I considered taking her back to the hospital for shock. Or something worse.

She moved toward the bathroom. She didn’t move too stiffly, though she had to be in a ton of pain.

“Do you need help?” I offered.

“I don’t need help,” she answered through gritted teeth.

“Okay. I’m right here if you need me.”

Her head bobbed in acknowledgement as she closed the bathroom door. I ordered delivery from a bar with late hours. I wasn’t leaving her like this.

She came out with a towel hugging her body. Welts and broken skin covered her arms and shoulders.

My stomach dropped. If someone hadn’t gotten violent with her at work, what caused this? She waited with wary eyes.

“Did I misunderstand us?” I asked.

She shook her head.

A knock at the door interrupted my next question.

“Don’t answer that,” she said too fast.

“I ordered us food. You said you haven’t eaten today.”

I moved to the door.

“Check to make sure,” she said as she picked up a long flashlight and held it like a weapon.

It was only the food delivery.

“Do you want to eat in your towel or get dressed?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’ll dress.” Her anger hadn’t dissipated.

I put the rose in some water in a cup. I found a couple plates and utensils and set everything out on her coffee table. The only table she had. She returned in a tank top and shorts. Before sitting to eat, she went to the kitchen and got down a first aid kit. She pulled out gauze wrap. She sat on the couch, trying to wrap her left arm with her right hand. She was failing and becoming more frustrated and angrier.

“Let me help you with that,” I offered.

She dropped her hands to her lap along with her eyes. “My sisters used to do this.” She said it so quietly I barely heard her.

“Should I get Nina to come?” It would be an awkward call to Bob to have him bring Nina, but

I’d do it. For her.

Her head snapped up. “No!”

I moved closer, gently taking the gauze and her arm. “Tell me what you want.”

“Wrap it, from the wrist all the way up.”

I start the first row and she placed her finger to hold the end at her wrist.

“Run it around a couple times so it stays in place. That’s right.”

“Tell me if it’s too tight or too loose.”

She shook her head slightly.

“Rosa, tell me if I get the pressure wrong. I don’t want to cut off circulation to your arms or cause more pain.”

“It’s fine. You’re doing fine,” she said through clenched teeth. Was it pain or anger?

“Just make sure each area is covered over twice.”

I nodded and worked slowly and carefully.

“Now what?” I asked when the gauze wrapped no higher. She produced a clasp from seemingly nowhere. She must have grabbed it while I focused on wrapping her arm.

“Cut it. Right. Now hold it.” She pressed the clip deftly to the gauze.

“Ready for the other side?” I asked.

She nodded and turned a bit.

I inspected both of her wrapped arms, and was immediately struck of the first time I’d seen her sister, with double long-sleeves under a short-sleeve shirt, on a warm day in May. No one had ever told me why Nina wore arm braces. No one ever acted as though Nina’s and Rosa’s proclivity to wear long sleeves all the time was anything out of the ordinary.

She disappeared to her bedroom and returned in loose tank top and shorts. I kept my questions to myself. I was rewarded for not pushing because over our meal she told me she’d gone to her mother’s to collect her summer clothes and the last of her things.

“Papa was there. I didn’t know he was home from rehab.” She choked through recounting her visit. He’d wanted her to move back. He’d wanted her sister’s address. She refused all of it.

“What did he use?” I asked.

“His belt. He always used his belt. I used to protect my face. But this time I called emergency services. I’ve never called them on him.”

“Rosa-”

“No. I always thought it was because of Nina. That she caused all of it. But the way he went after me. After Mama.” Instead of tears, she clenched her hands, like she wanted to throw punches back at him. Or at herself.

“You didn’t deserve this.”

“I know that!” But the look in her eye, the words she said, she didn’t.

“How long?” I asked.

Instead of answering she shoved food into her mouth.

I didn’t know how to ease her anger. I fed her and tried to get her to talk. She was cold and silent. But she let me hold her.

Eventually, I let her go and stood. Much like the night after giving her a ride home in the rain, it wasn’t a night for anything more. Her eyes darted to the locked door.

“Stay?” she asked.

“Of course.” I eyed the couch as she rose from it, expecting an uncomfortable night ahead of me.

“No, with me,” she said, taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom. She laid on her bed as she was, resting on her less bruised side with her back to me.

I undressed and crawled next to her, careful of her sore arms. I kissed a spot on her neck and laid my hand on her hip. She interlaced her fingers with mine and pulled my arm around her. No matter our position, she fit so perfectly with me. She slept within moments, and I followed.

I dreamed that night of a Dan who pined after a Rosa who circled some other man who didn’t treasure who he had. It broke my heart.

My alarm buzzed from my phone. I turned it off. Rosa stirred.

“I have to go to work,” I whispered to her.

“Me, too,” she mumbled.

She barely opened her swollen eye.

“Let’s get you set up for recovery. You should call in sick today.”

“Can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Are you really able to do your job with your arms wrapped and the pain you’re in?”

“Yes.”

I couldn’t believe this woman. “And are the doctors and nurses going to let you do your job?”

She clenched her jaw and got out of bed, moving carefully.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling in sick. Do you need something to eat? I have cereal.”

I nodded, figuring if I ate, she’d eat.

She called in, and we ate bowls of cereal. I put all the dishes in the sink and set her up with ice packs to help the swelling.

“When I text you today, I want you to answer. No more than two hours if you take a nap. Otherwise, I’m coming over and check on you. Okay?”

She made a grunt of agreement. She responded to all my texts, though at noon when I debated if I had time in my route to bring her food, she texted she was taking a nap. She didn’t respond to texts for three hours and I sped through the end of my day to get to her.

It’s a hard line to find when you want to pound on someone’s door, calling their name, but they’re recovering from someone pounding on them. She answered the third time I called her name.

“Weren’t you going to text?” I said, opening the door to Dan’s urgent knocking.

“I did text. You stopped answering them. And now I’m done with work, so I’m checking on you.”

My emotions were a roller-coaster ride. I’d always been able to hide things before. Dan was the first person other than my sisters who had ever seen the immediate damage from Papa. He’d just shown up, worried. I shrugged and returned to the couch, leaving the door open for him.

He closed it and followed me, bending to examine my face. The swelling was down.

“After your nap, did you keep icing? 20-on, 20-off?”

“No. How do you know about that?”

He smiled. “When you do the things we do, you learn how to take care of yourself later.”

“Oh. No plans tonight?”

“My only plans are to check in on you.”

“What’s Bob going to say about that?”

“He’d probably be happy for me since I broke up with him to be with you.”

“Oh.” What was happening? He broke up with Bob? “When?”

“Yesterday.”

“Yesterday? Why didn’t you say anything?”

He blinked a few times. I was rather taciturn last night. And we didn’t talk much. I let it go.

If I were honest, Dan and I spent a lot of time texting and calling. More than I had with any boyfriend. In the last week, I’d communicated with him more than any other person, including Jackie and my sisters. But I’d never told him more about my family. He knew Nina, and that I had another younger sister, Cella. And that was all he needed to know. Until now. Until he

elevated our relationship beyond a couple nights of magnificent sex or friends regularly texting. I didn’t press it. My stomach growled. I hadn’t eaten since our cereal this morning.

“Did you bring food this time?” I asked. He was always bringing me food. Or ordering us food. I didn’t have much on hand and I wasn’t up for cooking the things I had.

He smiled. “What do you want?”

We discussed softer foods. The burger last night had been a nice thought but it was not easy to consume. I’d mostly eaten the greasy fries.

The evening was calm. Quiet. We didn’t talk about anything serious. He asked a few prodding questions but stopped when I avoided answering. I wasn’t ready for that discussion. Embarrassment I’d told him as much as I had last night filled me.

He asked to stay the night again. The best sleep I’d gotten in the past year had been in his bed or his arms. I consented.

Wrapped in him, I was safe. He pressed his lips to my neck and I turned. He kissed the corner of my lips, careful to avoid my bruises. I kissed him back, craving the loving touch. He was gentle and sweet this time. He gathered me in his arms again, after. He was the first lover I ever had to do that. He’d held me our very first night together, the night I hadn’t meant to stay. I remembered how he said there was a world we were amazing together–whatever that meant–and I allowed myself to hope that could be our world.

Stillness brought me out of my sleep. Blessed, restful sleep had eluded me for months, then Dan had asked to stay over last week. Though it had been hard to allow him, house rules of letting others in held like steel, he’d taken care of me. No one but Mama and my sisters had done that. And everything had been okay. Better than okay.

Dan must have left the room. I rolled over and called, “Dan?”

He was right there, so absolutely still he almost appeared dead. His breathing was shallow without sound or movement I pressed my fingers to his wrist and then inside his elbow, finally finding the slow pump.

“Dan?” I pushed at him, trying to wake him. He was limp and heavy. A slow déjà vu crept in as I tried more ways to wake him, including pinching him, and closing his nose. When my choice was to smother my boyfriend or admit I’d somehow found someone else with Nina’s same rare condition, I relented.

Nina’s episodes often lasted hours. When they started during the night, she never woke until the episode ended, often resulting in school tardiness. Dan never mentioned he had a rare neurological disorder, though we’d only just started spending so much time together.

“Oh, Dan,” I sighed, and cuddled down next to him. He didn’t respond in the least. Despite my attempts, I didn’t sleep until his breathing returned to normal and he shifted an hour and a half later.

Over breakfast, I asked, “Have you seen someone about your episodes?”

“What episodes?”

“Episodes are what we call Nina’s neurological attacks. You know, when she sort-of goes vacant.”

He furrowed his brow and shook his head. “I don’t have those.”

“You did - last night while you were sleeping. You had one just like Nina does when she sleeps.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and shoved nearly a whole slice of toast into his mouth.

I weighed arguing. Maybe it was just a one-off thing. But I doubted it. He told me the first morning after we met how he dreamed of other worlds and I couldn’t help but think of how Nina spoke of other worlds before the consequences of her words caught her. I was convinced they both had similar hallucinations and physical manifestation.

But our relationship was new and it wasn’t my place. I didn’t pursue the discussion. Still, the worry wedged itself in a corner of my brain, announcing its presence every few weeks when Dan had another episode.

I should have known better. When does a guy like me get to stay with a girl like her?

Unless she let me know she had evening shifts or plans with her friends, I showed up at her door every night after my route was done. Some nights I brought food. Some nights I went home and showered first. Some nights I ended up there without any stops. Some nights she studied. Some nights we talked and talked. Some nights we didn’t talk at all. Most of those nights, I stayed over.

She healed, and as she was up to it, as she wanted more from me or to do to me, I followed her lead Then, after a week of her working evening shifts where we didn’t see each other at all, she confirmed she didn’t work the Friday evening and we could sleep in the next morning, I went home and gathered some of my tools in a box and a new overnight bag. I stopped for some takeout, slightly higher end than what I’d brought other evenings.

Being officially anything was childish. But I wanted our exclusivity. And I wanted to talk about that tonight.

When I reached her place, the aroma of pizza and girly chatter eeked through the door. I made out the same sisterly language from the booth in the café, from my dreams with Rosa and her sisters. Should I knock? We hadn’t exactly made plans. Why wouldn’t she mention she’d had them? Had I misunderstood us?

Instead of knocking and interrupting, I returned down the apartment complex hallway and drove home. I threw the food in my fridge, uninterested in eating. I placed my tools back in my drawer, and simply tossed the overnight bag next to the dresser.

I clicked on a movie without paying attention to it, my mood ruined.

Hours later, at least a movie and a half and several beers, my phone dinged.

Rosa’s face showed in the notifications. I almost ignored it. Almost.

“Do you want to come over?”

Yes. But now I was too inebriated to get there. Why did I always misread us? I put the phone down, angry and upset. Angry that I couldn’t get this right. Upset that I wanted to get this right. I was too young for this shit I didn’t want someone to settle down with

But Rosa was so beautiful, and she got me.

Some hours later, I startled at the soft knock on my door. My head spun when I stood. I’d fallen asleep and I was sloshy. I pulled the door open to Rosa. She wore the same outfit I’d first met her in, short shorts and a long-sleeve halter top that covered her arms and breasts and that was about it.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

“Hey,” I said back. “Come on in.” My apartment was a mess. The bottles from my effort to dull my disappointment sat on all my tables in a vocal testament to how I’d spent my evening. The soft click of the door behind me caused me to turn back.

“Why didn’t you text back?” she asked. Her head tilted slightly as she gazed at me.

I shrugged. If I fucked things up, might as well fuck them up royally.

She stepped toward me and wrapped her arms up over my shoulders. I held her, the same way I’d held her the first time I met her and recognized her from my dreams. I splayed my hands against her back and pressed my lips against her neck. I breathed in her scent. Even though she hated it, she smelled like the flower that bore her name. Her chin rested atop my shoulder, and unlike the first embrace, she melted against me. We held each other and time stood still. She was heady and calm at the same time.

I pressed my fingers into her back the way I knew would get a rise from her. She pulled back, smiling slightly, then brought her lips to mine. Her kiss lacked gentleness and calm. She devoured me and I welcomed it.

“You are not sober enough for this,” she said.

Damn!

She pulled me to the couch and gave the bottles on the table a pointed look.

“Why did you drink so much tonight?”

Dozens of Rosas paraded through my fuzzy brain.

“I came by tonight. I didn’t know you had plans. Why didn’t you tell me?”

She sat up straight and shook her head. “I told you. You asked if I worked and I said no, but that my sisters were coming over. Nina gets a Friday night off once a month and they come over for a movie. The foster system rules prevented them from staying the night. When you asked about coming over, I said I’d text you. Did you not listen?”

I blinked over her shoulder, carefully avoiding her. I supposed I had not. I’d heard she wasn’t working and promptly made plans. I wasn’t usually so bad at listening.

“Oh, Dan. Let’s get you to bed.”

She took my hands in hers and guided me to my feet. How did I deserve the attention of this woman? One night, I understood. That she’d permitted me to pursue her, to show up on her doorstep night after night, I was in awe.

She turned slightly and smiled again at me, and I smiled back. She pulled me into my room, pushed me onto my bed, and helped me undress.

“Will you stay?” I asked, keeping her hand in mine.

“Of course,” she answered, crawling in next to me. As I did every time, I marveled at how well we fit together.

This wasn’t real. Dan had brought me to his hometown. He could have come home alone, but he wanted to get me out of the city, away from work, away from my obligations, away from everything.

“I miss this most,” he said.

We gazed at a leafless tree, an oak or maple. And in the moonlight, the birds that flew around it glowed blue.

“Do you know why it’s like this?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “Does it matter? It’s a piece of magic in our mundane world. It’s something unexplained. You don’t need everything explained. Allow yourself this bit of magic and wonder.”

I didn’t take my eyes from the sight before me, and I felt his gaze on me, willing me to let go of my grasp on hard reality. Willing me to accept there were things I could not explain. It was too much. I let him have this moment. But I worried about him and the other things he’d said, about other worlds and me.

He had episodes similar to Nina’s, though only when he slept. I’d asked him to do a sleep study last week. He’d told me he would if it made me happy.

Sometimes I felt like Dan was practice for taking care of Nina and Cella. Well, Nina mainly. I’d spent the hours between coursework and working trying to find out how to become Cella’s guardian. But it was not to be. Nina would leave the system before Cella in a couple years. Talking with Bob who spent more time with her than I, I learned that Nina wasn’t getting better.

I spent so much time repairing my relationship with my younger sisters, making amends, striving towards a future for all of us. Destiny and Jackie occasionally intervened, as they had throughout school.

And Dan was often there, making sure I did things for me. He was non-judgmental about my past. About me. He hadn’t blinked twice when I’d dropped everything to answer Cella’s call that Nina wouldn’t get out of bed, sobbing and heartbroken and refusing to speak. Food waited for me when I came home. And when I remained silent, he didn’t press, just held me while I counted the ways I’d failed my sisters.

His cousin married this weekend. Dan brought me as his guest. We also celebrated our nearly one year meeting anniversary. It was a nice weekend away from everything and everyone.

I pretended to read news on my phone while really watching Rosa sit on top of a washer studying. We were almost always together, when not working or when she wasn’t with her sisters. We were in love. I never thought I’d fall in love. That’s when I got the idea. We wanted to be together all the time. Why did we live apart?

“We should move in together,” I said.

Her head came up very slowly and she set her pen down carefully. Rosa rarely wasted movement. I hadn’t expected her to jump into my lap in joy at this proposition, but her straight face and pensive eyes were unanticipated.

“Dan, I love you.” She took a breath and my heart sunk to my stomach. “But I can’t.”

“It was just an idea,” I said, trying to mimic her coolness while my world crumbled around me.

I didn’t need to pretend to stare at my phone now. I couldn’t bear to look at the woman who had crushed this little light with three words. The air in here stifled me.

“Dan?” She stood directly in front of me, a fresh load out of the dryer in her arms.

“I need to go. I got a text.” I held my phone up for her inspection, despite the blank screen.

She nodded. I rose and pushed passed her. I got in my car and drove to a bar with dark seats where I drowned my feelings in peace. Several beers later, I realized I left Rosa with both our laundry and no way to get home. She had just broken my heart, but I still loved her. I paid my tab, and carefully drove back to the laundromat. She was gone, along with all our clothes. I checked my messages, but she hadn’t texted. I went home.

I drank until the ache in my head overcame the ache in my heart. I managed to work the next day. During my route, I pondered Rosa’s reaction. Maybe it wasn’t love if she didn’t want to take the next step with me. I wanted more and she didn’t. By the time I reached home, I was ready for another night of drowning my thoughts in alcohol.

Rosa waited at my door.

“I brought your clothes.”

“Thanks,” I answered, opening the door to let us both in. Curiosity got the better of me. “How’d you get home last night?”

“I took a ride.”

“Why didn’t you text?”

“You wanted space. I gave you space. But I have your clothes, so I came over tonight. We can talk or I will go. Your choice.”

“What is there to say?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk. “You don’t want to move in together. That’s that.” My chest ached as my mouth resisted forming the words.

“My sisters. I have to have everything exactly so or I won’t be able to help them.”

If I were a better person, I wouldn’t resent her choosing her sisters over me. But I did.

“Thanks for my clothes.”

She set the basket down. I hoped she’d hear the dismissal in my voice. But she didn’t. Or she ignored it.

“Some nights, you sleep like her.”

“Who?”

“Nina. My sister. When she’d have an episode during the night, when sleeping. She was different. You’re like that some nights. You never have an episode when you’re awake. I asked you about it last summer.” She paused, her gaze taking in everything but me. “I should take care of her. I need to be there for Cella. The two of you having episodes is beyond me.”

I’d seen Nina’s episodes more than once. I didn’t have anything like that, and I didn’t remember Rosa talking about it last summer. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What does your sister has to do with me, with us?” I tried to articulate my confusion. Instead, my anger poured forth. “If you don’t want to take our relationship forward, we should end it.”

She drew herself up. I watched her build a wall between us, brick by brick. Watched that icy calm sluice down and fill her cracks. My anger cooled away as I realized what I’d done.

What I’d said. She nodded.

“Let me gather the things I’ve left here, then, and I’ll go.”

“You won’t even fight for us?”

She didn’t answer, simply moved around the apartment, collecting her few things accumulated here over the months. She didn’t cry. She didn’t show any emotion. She simply did exactly as she’d said in silence.

I left. She’d lock the door. I couldn’t bear for her to walk out of my life, even though I told her to go. I brought someone else home that night. Someone to drown myself in. Someone to forget the only woman I loved. I kicked them out when we were done. It hadn’t worked.

I didn’t want it to end. But I understood. If we didn’t move to the next step, he didn’t want to stay in a relationship going nowhere. Maybe someday I could give him what he wanted, but not until my sisters were out of foster care, which was still years away. It was unfair to ask Dan to wait for me for that long.

I didn’t sleep that night. Instead, I gathered all the things Dan had left at my place and put them in boxes. There was a lot. He’d already been basically living with me. But right now, he had a place to go home when I needed, like when my sisters came over every month for a movie or when Cheri checked in on my living situation His things had been easily hidden or maybe I had a slightly eclectic decorating sense as the year progressed. How not with hand-me-down furniture from Destiny and dishes from the thrift shop?

I didn’t let my heart break. I wrapped it in the ice I’d designed when living with the terror in my home. The ice and walls I’d created to keep myself safe when I couldn’t help my sisters. After my shift at the hospital shadowing an emergency nurse, I took the boxes to Dan’s. He was home when I rapped on the door. He had showered at least, though he looked terrible, as though he hadn’t slept and had been drinking since I saw him last.

“I have your things from my apartment. There’s two more boxes in my car if you’ll come help me.”

“Sure,” he said, his voice rough.

He followed me to my car.

“I’ll take both boxes. You don’t have to come back up,” he said, balancing one box, the other on the trunk.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

I almost tried to explain that my life was too complicated for anything more serious than we had right now. That it wasn’t him, it was the timing. But he didn’t want to hear it. There was nothing I could say to mend his heart. There was nothing I could say that would mend mine. His eyes traveled my body and I wished he would kiss me. If he kissed me, he would regret this. And we would stay together.

But he didn’t. He didn’t move toward me. He didn’t say a word. He took his two boxes and disappeared in the building.

I drove to the café. Bob and Nina were both working. I sat in the family booth, had a free meal, and reminded myself that I had chosen my sisters now. That I should have chosen them all along. I should have stepped in that morning Papa had almost killed Nina before Cella threw herself over her to protect her. That I should have called emergency services years and years ago when Mama would never. That losing someone I loved now was the price I paid for not choosing them before.

Of all people, Bob recognized my pain.

“Was there someone else?” he asked quietly as he refilled a basket of fries on the table. I glanced at Nina. Bob turned.

“I see.” He touched my hand, then left.

My sister executed her job with deftness, until an episode claimed her and dishes crashed to the floor while a table of teenage boys laughed. Bob covered for her, and I took her to her foster home. This is who I chose, and I did not regret it.

Adria Bailton (she/they) imagines entire worlds and universes to share while spending her days studying atoms, the smallest unit of matter. More of her stories where she strives to create characters that reflect her own bisexuality, neurodiversity, and disability appear in The Colored Lens, Worlds of Possibility, ZNB Presents, Constelción Magazine, and Wyldblood Flash. She creates from the US PNW, on the traditional territory of several Indigenous nations, including the Stillaguamish, Suquamish, and Duwamish, and is a Codexian and an SFWA Associate Member. Find her at www.adriabailton.com