"Psychologically Flinching" Childhood Abuse and Trauma Guide

Psychologically

Gianna Karabulut Gianna Karabulut

&

What to Expect

You did it. Your here. Breath.

My name is Gianna and I am going to be your guide through this incredibly hard healing process.

You've done the hardest part, recognizing that you need help to heal and that already puts you ahead.

Doing this already makes you better than them. Please don't forget that!

In this process we are going to look at all aspects of Childhood Trauma and Abuse.

We are friends now. We are family now. And, we are already bonded by our shared experience.

You will cry, you will want to scream, you will most likely have negative feelings toward what I am telling you (perfectly normal remember you were abused) but I promise you. This will be healing.

Who am I?

You did it. Your here. Breath.

Growing up wasn't easy for me. I lived in a home that was terrifying. The only thing I could count on was the yelling and fear. I spent most of my days alone in my bedroom. Nothing I could do was right. I was a child. I was depressed and anxious. I tried to kill muself. There was no love. The people I was supposed to go to in my hard times, created my hard times. Then, I was left to figured it out on my own.

All I wanted out of my life was to wake up and feel peace and safety, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Being a mom was something I had always wanted. I wanted to have a husband who would take care of me, children to do better by and my own home to make feel safe.

I never expected having what I always wanted would be the beginning of my trauma really coming to the surface.

Once I had my first son, my anger bubbled up. This fierce protective energy washed over me. I loved him so much. Immediately, there was nothing that this little human could do that would make me treat him anything other than wonderfully. Unfortunately, That is the moment I realized I was never loved.

I am you. I am no better or greater than you. I am just future you.

How could they?

You did it. Your here. Breath.

There will be a lot of people that want to give you an excuse as to why your parents treated you the way they did. I'm here to tell you ITS ALL BULLSHIT. Don't ever let anyone give you an excuse. There isn't one. I used to give into these.

"But, they're your parents you can't just cut them out" "The way they grew up was different" "They didn't know any better"

"Kids don't come with a handbook"

ALL BULLSHIT

I'll give you the answers to these.

1.) Just because you birthed me doesn't give you the right to abuse me.

2.) I'm sorry they grew up so horribly. But now, so did I and I'm here trying to change it for my kids. You just wanted me to hurt as much as you did and that's horrible.

3.) If you love someone you treat them like you love them and even if you don't love someone you treat them with respect. You don't see them walking around treating co-workers and friends the same way they treated you did they?

4.) No, kids don't come with a handbook but they come with hugs, kisses, love and smiles. If your child isn't doing all those things in your presence then you can pretty much guarantee you're doing it wrong.

How could they? Cont.

You did it. Your here. Breath.

Bottom line, they were the adults. They knew better.

Just because they may have fed you, put a roof over your head and gave you clothes to wear doesn't make them parents. Those are basic human needs....

FOR THE CHILD THEY CHOSE TO HAVE

That one always gets me. When people will list out to me what my parents have done for me.. It's always basic human needs.

They took on the responsibility. The moment you decided to keep your child you made the ADULT choice to take care of them forever. They chose to be a mom, dad, grandma or grandpa, teacher, and provider of love and support.

It is not your fault that they failed.

Everyone wants to act like there were no resources for parents back then. Pretty sure they had books, churches, therapists, friends and family. If they cared enough and were having a hard time, there were people to help. They just didn't CARE ENOUGH.

I'm sorry this is your reality as it is mine. I wish I could of been your mom and dad. I'm sorry you never had parents.

Psychologically Flinching

You did it. Your here. Breath. IwanttostartoutbyexplainingalittlebitaboutwhatPsychologicallyFlinchingisandwhere itcamefrom. WhenIstartedmyjourneyIdidalotofthinking.Therehadtobeanameforwhatwewere doingeveryday.BeingabusedlooksdifferentlyforeveryonebutIreallytookthetimetofind theonethingthateveryonecoulduniversallyrecognizethattherehasbeenabuse.

Ithinkwhatalotofabusedchildrengetwrongasadultswhentryingtohealislookingfor participationinothersespeciallyourabusers.Wewantthemtoacknowledgewhattheydid asifassoonastheytakeaccountabilityallofourissueswillbefixednotrealizingthat everytimewewereabusedwhenwewereyoungalittlepieceofusnotstuckintimethere. Likeapicturesnapshot.Thepathwaysinourbrainswerereroutedtothink,observeand reactinadifferentwaythanwewouldhavebefore.

Flinching

You did it. Your here. Breath.

Listening doesn’t equal obeying. This is another area I had a lot of trouble with as an adult. When I was supposed to listen in any capacity I had a flinch to this because any type of listening made me defensive. Listening to another human equaled me obeying them in some way and that was a trigger for me to flinch and try and add something to the conversation wether that be an idea or a rebuttal to what they were telling me. I flinched at people trying to give me advice because it felt like a form of control. I did not realize other people didnt feel so guarded and defensive when others tried to help them.

People will often see you as combative or hard to work with because of this “flinch”. They are are failing to see if a person who was abused and beaten down physically, mentally or emotionally into submission over and over again with no voice of their own. They don’t see the flinch as an outward motion so they don’t recognize the abuse behind your reaction. They were not programmed or conditioned in the way that we were to be protective of ourselves from everyone at all times.

Each and every time this happens the cycle of abuse continues, the only difference is we are abusing ourselves over and over again by not dealing with our flinches.

The Hurt

You did it. Your here. Breath.

Noonetalksabouthowmuchithurts.Howmuchithurtsandfeelslikeahuge holeinsideofyouwhenyouseequoteaboutgreatmomsanddads.Onesthat articulatehowmuchithurtslosingaparentbecauseforoneweneverreallyhad oneandcan’trelatebutwecanrelatetomourning.Mourningtherelationships wewillneverhavewithparents.TheIloveyou’sthatwewillneverhear.The hugsandkissesthatwillneverbehad.Thetimespentwithaparentandthe teachingtheyaresupposedtodoforyou.Andthecomforttheyaresupposedto bringus.Theworstpartistheyarestillaliveandchooseeverydaynottoloveus thatwayandinfactmakeushavetoprotectourselvesandourchildrenfrom them. Whenweseeeventhingsontvsuchasabusivesituations,itwillinvokefear. Heartracing.Tearsstarttofillup.Angerbubblingtothetop.Weare psychologicallyflinching.Wewillwatchshowsandmoviesthatwillfilluswith tearsoftenwithstorylinesoffamilieswithmomsanddadsthatwilldoanything fortheirchildren.Andit’sheartbreakingandcomfortingallatthesametime.We willhavetearsfallingwithasmileonourface.Andwhataconfusingemotionto have.Terror,fear,happiness,sadness,comfort,alonenessallatonce.Gilmore girlsisoneofthoseshowsforme.Itbringsmehappinessandcomfort.That’s sadisn’tit,thatIhavetoturntoashowaboutamomwholovesherdaughterso muchandisherbestfriendtofeelthesupportofamother.Ioftenthink,what wouldtheGilmoreGirlsdo? Asanadultweshouldbeabletobeourownsupportright?Weshouldbeable toregulateourownemotions.Notletanythinggettous.Havecopingskillsand peoplewhosurrounduswhenweneedit.Thingsshouldn’tfeelliketheendof theworld.Weshouldn’tfeelworthlessandpowerless.Unfortunatelyforus,we do.Fromthetimewewerelittlewewereconditionedtoseeaworldfullofgray darknessinsteadofbrightwarmcolors.

Trauma Response's

You did it. Your here. Breath.

Noonetalksabouthowmuchithurts.Howmuchithurtsandfeelslikeahuge holeinsideofyouwhenyouseequoteaboutgreatmomsanddads.Onesthat articulatehowmuchithurtslosingaparentbecauseforoneweneverreallyhad oneandcan’trelatebutwecanrelatetomourning.Mourningtherelationships wewillneverhavewithparents.TheIloveyou’sthatwewillneverhear.The hugsandkissesthatwillneverbehad.Thetimespentwithaparentandthe teachingtheyaresupposedtodoforyou.Andthecomforttheyaresupposedto bringus.Theworstpartistheyarestillaliveandchooseeverydaynottoloveus thatwayandinfactmakeushavetoprotectourselvesandourchildrenfrom them. Whenweseeeventhingsontvsuchasabusivesituations,itwillinvokefear. Heartracing.Tearsstarttofillup.Angerbubblingtothetop.Weare psychologicallyflinching.Wewillwatchshowsandmoviesthatwillfilluswith tearsoftenwithstorylinesoffamilieswithmomsanddadsthatwilldoanything fortheirchildren.Andit’sheartbreakingandcomfortingallatthesametime.We willhavetearsfallingwithasmileonourface.Andwhataconfusingemotionto have.Terror,fear,happiness,sadness,comfort,alonenessallatonce.Gilmore girlsisoneofthoseshowsforme.Itbringsmehappinessandcomfort.That’s sadisn’tit,thatIhavetoturntoashowaboutamomwholovesherdaughterso muchandisherbestfriendtofeelthesupportofamother.Ioftenthink,what wouldtheGilmoreGirlsdo? Asanadultweshouldbeabletobeourownsupportright?Weshouldbeable toregulateourownemotions.Notletanythinggettous.Havecopingskillsand peoplewhosurrounduswhenweneedit.Thingsshouldn’tfeelliketheendof theworld.Weshouldn’tfeelworthlessandpowerless.Unfortunatelyforus,we do.Fromthetimewewerelittlewewereconditionedtoseeaworldfullofgray darknessinsteadofbrightwarmcolors.