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THE PROSPECTOR CUPERTINO HIGH SCHOOL’S
YEARBOOK LIBERATES JOURNALISM
NOW A SUBSIDIARY OF THE NUGGET, TINO’S GLORIOUS YEARBOOK
10100 FINCH AVENUE, CUPERTINO, CA
ONLINE AT: WWW.CHSPROSPECTOR.ORG
APRIL FOOLS’ 2011
Journalism properly renamed “Newspaper,” YEARBOOK BASKS IN RIGHTFUL GLORY ANTHONY KAO little brother
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
I
NINJA SKILLZ | Yearbook editors demonstrated their awesomeness by rapidly liberating lazy Journalism Newspaper editors
n an auspicious event foretold by a swallow and marked by the appearance of a double rainbow and a new star in the heavens, Yearbook took over Journalism in the early hours of April 1, 2011. Using über-ninja skills, Yearbook staffers gallantly completed the liberation in under 3.14159 minutes. Casualties were unsurprisingly light; one yearbook staffer suffered slightly from friendly fire only because no one could tell the Journalism and Yearbook jackets apart. The Yearbook liberators immediately made Journalism a subsidiary of Yearbook and correctly renamed Journalism to “Newspaper” (which “Journalism” shall henceforth be referred to as). “I’ve been waiting for this moment for years,” said Yearbook Assistant Editor-in-Chief Yelena Muratova, “‘Journalism’ refers to much more than just a newspaper, yearbook included. It wasn’t just an insult- it was a obvious misuse of the word.” Newspaper staffers welcomed their benevolent liberators with open arms and unbridled optimism. “Now that we’re part of the Yearbook, maybe people will actually keep our paper forever instead of throwing it away,” said Grammar Policeman Jamin Shih whilst bear-hugging an unsuspecting Yearbook liberator. Newspaper’s newly appointed Minister of Truth Eric Jang also expressed loving enthusiasm for his new overlords. “I love how being under Yearbook rule automatically makes the opinions in my section truths,” said Jang. “All hail Yearbook! May they establish a thousand-year empire!” Yearbook leaders were quick to capitalize upon such enthusiasm, immediately blessing their Newspaper minions with the opportunity to attend Design Re-Education and improve their skills. Said Yearbook Editor-in-Chief Sarah Choi, “Newspaper has been committing design crimes for years. Their layouts are like first degree murder to my eyes. It’s about time someone taught them proper grid design and how not to abuse the power of Photoshop.” Newspaper staffers reacted to this opportunity with the same enthusiasm that has characterized the entire liberation. As News Minion Anand Hemmady quite appropriately summarized, “this is the best thing that’s happened since Gandhi gave us dehydrated water and flying pigs!”
We so excited to get down on Friday? Whoops, it doesn’t exist!!! with her junior high peers. To make matters worse, these under-aged drivers sped through highways in their luxurious cars with all of their friends sitting on the edges rather The International Time and Date branch of the United than safely and wisely buckled inside. Nations eliminated the day Friday from the week due “It was the strangest thing I have ever seen. Suddenly to massive chaos caused by Rebecca Black’s new single, all of the students began trying out for choir thinking, ‘If “Friday.” When Black’s new song came out on Thursday, Rebecca Black can be a singer, so can I,’” said choir teacher February 10, 2011, turmoil struck the internet, disturbing Ikant Singh. innocent YouTube watchers. The next day, this commotion Some concerned teachers witnessed their students having reached classrooms worldwide, terrifying many teachers. emotional breakdowns while pondering which seat to take, The once-intelligent students were no longer able to remem- even though only one chair was available. Other educators ber the days of the week, constantly forgetting what comes also became distressed due to incessant shouts of “Party and before and after Friday. In addition, the amount of automo- party and yeah, fun, fun, fun, fun.” biles accidents rose by 37%, since middle school students However, this issue seemed elementary when the English attempted to drive their parents’ cars to school, endangering language began to shatter as soon as the next Friday came the lives of many students and teachers. That is, these stualong. From toddlers to educated elders, people across the dents observed Black’s fun voyage to school in a convertible globe frequently forgot verbs in their sentences, frivolously AZADEH RONGERE news minion
stating incompressible phrases such as, “We so excited.” In fact, by the end of Friday, IQ test scores dropped tremendously, while English-speakers were practicing a gibberish language. “This song has ruined our country and the English language. ‘Friday’ only gave children and even adults a negative urge to constantly engage in parties instead of education,” declared President Barack Obama. However, ‘Friday’ did yield a positive effect. According to the International Occupation Evaluation, the job occupation of an orthodontist became the most popular job considering over 80% of the entire world requested braces, wanting to be just like Rebecca Black’s co- stars. Shortening the week to only 6 days obviously causes problems; however, many may have to disregard this universal commotion to prepare for the retail-struggle of abolishing jeans due to Jenna Rose’s new song – “My Jeans.”