Surviving & Remembering A conversation on Survivor’s Guilt
is a deep feeling of guilt often experienced by those who have survived a catastrophe that took the lives of others.
In part from feelings of being unworthy relative to those who died.
SURVIVORS GUILT
• Under-recognized
• Little studied
• Rarely discussed in the context of cancer survivorship
• Dismissed
• Minimized
But… It’s so much more
• Loss of a fellow cancer survivor companion
• News of a recurrence in a fellow survivor
• Being an earlier stage relative to fellow survivors
• Having fewer or less invasive treatments
• Receiving “good news” in the presence of others
• Not doing cancer “well”
• Not being “enough” of a survivor
• Not having an epiphany or life-changing moment
Survivor’s Guilt Decoded
Empath y Sadnes s
Grief Anxiety
Pressur e PTSD
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY
WHY? WHY? Why? Why? WHY NOT ME?
THE “WHY ME” STRUGGLE
• Many survivors struggle to understand why they survived, and others have not.
• Not worthy of survival (doing well)
• Feelings of relief or appreciation for survival/health alongside shame or guilt for those feelings.
• Feeling shame for personal struggle in the presence of others with more advanced disease.
• Not necessarily a sign of unhealthy grief
• When the feelings become intrusive, seek support
Am I grieving?
Recognizing Symptoms
• Crying
• Lack of energy
• Uncertainty
• Changes in sleeping or eating habits
• Feeling withdrawn or unmotivated
• Irritable, demanding, underlying “buzz” of anger
• Hyperactivity, fear of slowing down
• Decreased productivity, trouble concentrating
• Avoidance of others or fear of being alone
WHAT CAN I DO?
Acceptance – guilt is a normal feeling. Stigmatized and often made to feel wrong for feeling. You are not alone – more common that acknowledged.
Two feelings can exist at once – grief and appreciation for your life can be experienced together.
Allow for grief response – honor what you have lost.
“What is” vs. “What if/Why”? –
Engage with the present moment, catch when the past or future distract you from right now.
Through the middle of grief…
Toxic Positivity from yourself
Feeling guilt or shame for struggling
“Shoulds” (with feelings of shame)
Comparing to others (laced with self criticism)
Rigid expectations of self
Minimizing or dismissing struggle
Pretending you are ok when you feel different. www.julielarsonlcsw.com
Self care
• Many survivors with guilt feel a strong need to find meaning for their survival.
• Critically think about what you are/feel capable of doing to support others.
• Is there someone you trust who can mentor and support you in new ventures.
FIND WHERE YOU MATTER
• Meaning and purpose of wellsprings of hope.
• When we recognize our value to someone (or something) else it gives us a place to focus that is outside of our uncertainty.
• How does the life around you still need you despite the uncertainty you feel?
BREATHE. BEGIN AGAIN.
• Listen to yourself. Come to understand what you are feeling, thinking and needing.
• Learn how to care for yourself.
• Decide who the best audience is for you today related to what you need to express.
• Know your emotional “hot spots”.
• Reach out to good friends or a therapist to help you better understand your feelings and support you as you