Prizm Magazine February 2020 by PRIZM News

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8 Books for 8 stages of your relationship Couples therapists share their best advice

• The evolution of the LGBTQ+ wedding industry

February-March 2020 | PrizmNews.com February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

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February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

February-March 8 BOOKS FOR 8 STAGES OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP Why rely solely on others’ romance advice when a good book can show you what (not) to do?

WHEN PATIENTS LEAD, HEALTH FOLLOWS How focusing on access to trans care improves overall health

ART HISTORY Groundbreaking exhibition Art After Stonewall, 1969-1989 arrives in Ohio this March

THE CASE FOR LOVE AND EQUALITY How the wedding industry is catching up to our LGBTQ+ nuptials

RELATIONSHIP RESCUE Therapists from across Ohio share their top tips for couples seeking counseling

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX Cleveland sex therapist breaks new ground in providing support to the LGBTQ+ community

A BOOK OF BREAKUPS New anthology hits the shelves showcasing deeply personal tales of queer breakups

SEXUAL EVOLUTION Longtime Ohio LGBTQ+ community members relate experiences in sex and sexuality DEPARTMENTS Letter From the Editor One of Us

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Photo by Quintin Gellar

February 2020 PrizmNews.com

Chief Executive Officer Bill Hardy Publisher Carol Zimmer Clark carolzclark@Prizmnews.com

Letter From the Editor

Associate Publisher/Advertising Director Joe Matessa joematessa@Prizmnews.com Editor Ken Schneck kenschneck@Prizmnews.com Designer Patrick Butler patrickbutler@equitashealth.com Contributing Writers Lou Barrett, Garth Bishop, Peter Kusnic, Mike McGraw, Kirsten Palladino, Liz Rose-Cohen, Ilona Westfall Contributing Photographers Ian Argo, Staley Jophiel Munroe, Entendre Photography

It was May of 1992. I was approaching the end of my freshman year of high school and things had not gone well. The tween hormones that had aimlessly careened off the lockers in the middle school hallways had become decidedly more acute and focused in high school. Everyone was suddenly dating and hooking up and breaking up in a frenetic cycle. And I was a thing apart. Though the word “gay” was not in my lexicon, I knew I was different and that I would find no fulfillment with the girls of Pascack Hills High School. So I retreated. But that withdrawal was not without its consequences. John Countouroudis and Phil Delzotto found any available to call me a faggot, constantly highlighting that I was in some way not adequately performing my duties as a male pursuing a female. So I retreated further, convinced I would never find the love everyone else seemed to have.

Prizm encourages feedback from our readers. Share your comments at joematessa@prizmnews.com For news consideration, event listings, letters to the editor and inquiries about freelance writing, email kenschneck@prizmnews.com For photography submissions and inquiries about modeling/styling assignments, email kenschneck@prizmnews.com Address subscription inquiries to Joe Matessa, Prizm Magazine 7575 Huntington Park Drive, Columbus, Ohio, 43235 © 2020 Prizm magazine. For permissions and questions contact joematessa@prizmnews.com Prizm is a proud member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce Cover Photo by Staley Munroe

Enter: The Indigo Girls. I was obsessed with The Indigo Girls. “Closer to Fine” had become my anthem and my rallying cry. I raced to Sam Goody that May to pick up their new album Rites of Passage. I popped in the cassette and was instantly transfixed by this new offering of harmonies. And then I got to the 5th track, the last one on side A, “Love Will Come to You.” Out of nowhere, Amy and Emily were singing a chorus directly into my soul:

These many years later, I have loved, I have lost, I have loved again, and, yup, lost again. Rinse and repeat. The scoresheet is all marked up, but that there are marks there at all is a testament to the unbelievable privilege I have had to connect with others on this journey. This issue celebrates that privilege. From a Cleveland sex therapist charting new territory, to a new book detailing queer break-ups, to relationship advice from those supporting our pursuits, these pages embrace all the different aspects of our LGBTQ+ love.. Whether it’s a meet-cute, a swipe left, a fulfilling marriage, or a painful divorce, the fullness of our experiences with love have aspects of those relationships of our heterosexual siblings but also can be distinctly queer in our approach and delivery. And that’s a beautiful thing. We must note that not everyone has this privilege to love. There are households here in Ohio where individuals do not have the freedom or support to seek out the LGBTQ+ love that they need and deserve. Though I can’t send the Indigo Girls to show up at every house in the Buckeye State, I can send the sentiment into the atmosphere. LGBTQ+ love is out there, now more than in 1992, and hopefully even moreso tomorrow.

I say love will come to you Hoping just because I spoke the words that they’re true As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through

Ken Schneck Editor

Where there’s now one there will be two. It was 28 years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. I remember where in the basement I was sitting when I heard those words. I remember my sharp gasp of breath when I grasped their meaning. And I remember the enormous lump in my throat that was roughly the size of all the hope I had that I too could some day find love.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

8 B o o ks f o r 8 Stag es o f Yo u r R e l at i o n s h i p Why rely solely on others’ romance advice when a good book can show you what (not) to do? Stage 1: When you’re playing the field and can’t make up your mind

Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh (Penguin Press, 2015) Ever find yourself staring dead-eyed into your phone screen, waiting for the text confirming your crush has been meaning to proclaim their love since that date three weeks ago, but just hasn’t found the time? Infatuation can be fun early in a relationship, but it can lead to dark places. In Eileen, the titular narrator looks back on the run-up to the fateful Christmas of 1964 – the night Eileen’s obsession with a beguiling femme fatale reaches an unthinkable climax. The twist is too good to give away, but let’s just say it makes the narrator want to both slap her younger self, and thank her.

On your dating app, you get a match (or five…who’s counting?). Each has charms, quirks, pros, cons. All look hot in their curated photos. As author of your own love life, the ball is in your court – but sometimes you just want to flip ahead to see what the result of your decision will be. In My Lady’s Choosing, you’re the heroine of an eighteenth-century romance, and a number of bachelors and bachelorettes are after your heart. As in any pure romance, whatever suitor you pick in this bisexual choose-your-ownadventure always leads to happily ever after – or does it?

Stage 2: When you’re falling hopelessly, achingly in love Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson (Vintage, 1998) No matter how old you are, falling in love can make you feel like a teenager – a hopeful, gullible maelstrom of hormones. Anne Carson’s mesmerizing novel/ poem Autobiography of Red is a volcanic comingof-age epic that reimagines the ancient myth of Geryon and Herakles as a contemporary gay love story. Sensual, surreal, and full of longing, Carson’s language emulates the queasy contradictions of love—of wanting to both give and protect yourself, to belong to someone and to be free—that make it impossible for others to understand.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

When it comes to relationships, we’re all our own protagonist: the moral center of the story (until we’re wrong), the sole point of view (until our partner chimes in), the one who knows best (until we don’t). Friends and family may try to give advice, point out red flags, tell us we’re overreacting and to give our partner another chance, but what do they know? Like a magic mirror, a good book can show you what you most need to see, whether or not you’re ready to see it. We have selected eight books to help you get into, through, and out of eight stages of your relationship… and boost your literary cred in the process!

Stage 3: When you’re infatuated, but for all the wrong reasons

My Lady’s Choosing by Kitty Curran and Larissa Zageris (Quirk Books, 2018)

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Stage 4: When your sex life needs a spark (or a flamethrower): The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson (Graywolf Press, 2015) Inevitably, the honeymoon ends. Sex starts feeling like a chore, and you worry equally about scaring off an otherwise great match by speaking up, or enduring more lackluster lovin’ by not. The key to great sex is strong communication, both with your partner and with yourself. In her genre-bending memoir The Argonauts, Maggie Nelson explores her own sexuality as her gender-nonconforming partner discovers theirs, and in the process offers some of the most incisive thinking on sex and identity published in years – a no-holdsbarred guide to finding (and using) your voice in life as well as the bedroom. Pairs well with Nelson’s Bluets (Wave, 2009).

Stage 5: When they’re just using you, but your sensitive soul refuses to see it What Belongs to You by Garth Greenwell (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2016) Sometimes love is lopsided. You care/do/ give too much—or not enough—and see your partner doing the opposite. Compromise is crucial, but what if one goes too far and the other not far enough? Who gets to say? Such questions drive Greenwell’s luminous debut What Belongs to You. When an American teaching English in Bulgaria goes cruising in a public men’s room, he’s surprised to find love in Mitko, a street hustler. At first, both men find getting what they want from each other easy until the dissonance in their motives becomes too much to bear.

Stage 6: When you realize your friends were right all along Sula by Toni Morrison (Knopf, 1973) When love goes south, admitting to yourself that your friends were right can be difficult – let alone out loud to your friends. But once you get past your pride and their I told you so’s, you realize they were only looking out for you. The grimmest realizations about your relationship require input from your truest ride-or-dies: an indomitable Sula to revive your wounded Nel, like in the Toni Morrison classic; Sula who “made her laugh, who made her see old things with new eyes, in whose presence she felt clever, gentle and a little raunchy.” Isn’t that what friends are for?

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

Stage 7: When it’s not you or them, it’s just being a human Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari (Harper, 2015) With break-ups can come dread, as one life phase ends and a new, uncertain one begins. For this, perspective provides a potent remedy – and Sapiens by gay historian Harari offers a bird’s eye view: a brief, warts-and-all history of humanity that’s both immensely readable and thoroughly mind-blowing. Like our hunter-gatherer ancestors who started cultivating wheat 12,000 years ago couldn’t fathom the scale and scope of agribusiness today, who knows what triumphs and calamities life post break-up will bring? Though if things turn out like Harari’s 2017 Sapiens follow up Homo Deus predicts, an algorithm will be able to tell you precisely someday soon.

Stage 8: When you remember you’re a part of a community that’s always got your back House of Impossible Beauties by Joseph Cassara (Ecco, 2018) Moving on from a relationship takes courage, and while looks may be read and Real Housewives realness may be served, there’s strength in community. Nobody gets you quite like your LGBTQ+ family, and Cassara’s House of Impossible Beauties, a fictionalized reimagining of Paris Is Burning, illustrates this unique bond through the 80s Harlem ball scene and the brave, brilliant trans women of color who pioneered it. Not only does the novel give a lost history vivid texture and authentic voice, it also serves as a reminder that only an open heart can be filled. Whether it winds up broken is another story. ••• Peter Kusnic is a writer and editor based in Cleveland, OH. February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

W h e n Pat i e n ts L e a d , H e a lt h F o l l ow s How Focusing on Access to Trans Care Improves Overall Health

By Liz Rose-Cohen With almost four years of trans care services on record, Equitas Health’s patient data shows gender-affirming treatment is an integral and essential part of the spectrum of preventative care. Simply put: Equitas Health patients engaging in gender-affirming care—including those using Medicaid or other programs for low-income people—are achieving higher health outcomes than the general population. Lead Nurse Practitioner Mimi Rivard attributes this success to a patientcentered approach to care. “Rather than starting with a one-size-fits-all program for trans patients, we begin with each person who walks through the door,” says Rivard. “We get to know them, spend time learning about their goals, suggest a few goals they may not have considered, and together we develop a treatment plan.” It’s a model rooted in the principals of palliative care, prioritizing patient autonomy and dignity. According to the agency’s Quality and Evaluation Department, the average trans patient comes to Equitas Health with five diagnoses. In a typical primary care model, a health provider would likely prioritize some of the co-occurring conditions—prediabetes, hypertension, or depression for example—over the patient’s need for gender affirming care. “The palliative approach begins by determining and addressing the patient’s most acute discomfort,” Rivard explains. “If the patient’s most pressing need is to relieve their gender dysphoria, then that’s where we start. And what we are learning is that the rest follows.” Among a sample of 995 trans care patients at Equitas Health, 96% have healthy blood pressure, compared to 68% of American adults. Of those living with HIV, 87% have achieved viral suppression, stopping the virus from harming their immune system and rendering it untransmittable to sexual partners, a level of health reached by just 49% of people living with HIV nationwide. Of those Equitas Health trans patients with diabetes, 80% have controlled their blood sugar levels, a remarkable achievement given that in the general population nearly one in four adults living with diabetes doesn’t even know they have it. The trend continues for smoking cessation, mental health diagnoses, and chronic disease prevention. According to Rivard, meeting requirements for gender alignment surgery is the primary motivator to obtain optimal health levels for some patients, but many trans and non-binary patients never seek surgical treatment. “They come to us for HRT and then once they’re here, experiencing what is often their first positive healthcare environment, they realize that overall health is within reach,” says Rivard. The positive change in trans patient health outcomes is steady across patients of all incomes and backgrounds. Just over half of Equitas Health trans patients are enrolled in Medicare, Medicaid, or other government health insurance programs, or have no insurance and use the community health center’s income-based sliding fee scale. The overall improvement of health outcomes among trans care patients at Equitas Health, particularly those enrolled in Medicaid, is noteworthy in light of a new report by the Williams Institute at UCLA that found less than half of the estimated 152,000 transgender Americans who are enrolled in Medicaid live in states that provide comprehensive genderaffirming care: care that Equitas Health has shown to be critical to improving overall health. Equitas Health, the parent company of Prizm, is a regional nonprofit community healthcare system and one of the largest LGBTQ+ and HIV/ AIDS serving healthcare organizations in the United States. More info at equitashealth.com ••• Liz Rose-Cohen is the Content & Copywriting Manager of Equitas Health and a creative non-fiction writer living in Columbus, Ohio.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

Art H i st o r y Groundbreaking exhibition Art After Stonewall, 1969-1989 arrives in Ohio this March By Ken Schneck You would think that the major museums of the world have hosted largescale exhibitions of art associated with the advancement LGBTQ+ equality. You would be wrong. Thankfully, the Columbus Museum of Art (CMA) has led the way with the creation of Art After Stonewall, 1969-1989, the first national museum show of its kind to survey the impact of LGBTQ+ liberation on the visual arts. Recently named one of the 10 most significant exhibitions of the past decade by Art News, this breathtaking and downright inspiring display of art will be on view in Columbus from March 6-May 31. To get a sense of the history that is headed our way, we spoke with Dr. Daniel Marcus—the Roy Lichtenstein Curatorial Fellow at CMA and one of curators for this exhibition—to get his thoughts on four pieces that caught our eye.

CATHY CADE, CHRISTOPHER STREET WEST, LA: NONE OF US IS FREE UNTIL ALL OF US ARE FREE, 1972. (Above) Cathy’s work appears in illustrations, history books, and has a presence on the internet, but it’s not well known in the art world. When I look at this photograph, I want to see it again and again in other shows. It is a protest photo in a sense, coming out of a tradition of artists who showed up as bystanders or participants, and it’s a shot that only could only have been taken by someone intimately involved in the gay and women’s movement. What’s striking is that it is a photograph of children. We tend not to think of children as protagonists during this high energy time of the early 70s. The signs they are holding are moral slogans, but they’re also political slogans. Overall, it’s a remarkable document of the freewheeling and open nature of the activist movements organized around gay rights and women’s rights.

ROBERTA GREGORY, DYNAMITE DAMSELS, 1976. (Left) I don’t think people really know that there were feminist and gay comics. It’s not the medium that we thought of when we started to put the show together, but works like these represent an expansion of the field of comic art. Here you have this woman sitting atop a horse with a leopard pelt and she’s kind of a Prince Valiant figure but here remade as a crusader of feminism. You see the symbol of the women’s liberation movement on her shield, and behind her you see the shining army of feminism. The woman and the cat are pondering that thought about whether the feminist movement was a lesbian plot, and that question was most certainly present as part of the slog in the movement. The comic is poking fun at that fear, but it also is a celebration of aggressive, dynamic, heroic women who are leading a movement of women.

ROBERT FORD, THING NO. 1, 1989. (Right) The problem with the show to some extent is that it is rich in documents like this. We questioned a lot how to feature these artists, knowing that people can’t read the rich content contained beyond the cover. The art is as much about the zine itself as it is about Robert Ford’s milieu: a fertile, imaginative, and utterly rebellious queer zine movement in the late 80s and early 90s. I can’t not think the design is a reference to the pink triangle of the “Silence=Death” AIDS activism movement of the late 80s. The potency of the image makes it so arresting.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

TSENG KWONG CHI, ANDY WARHOL, JEAN-MICHEL BASQUIAT COLLABORATION (NEW YORK), 1985. (Above) Photographer Tseng Kwong Chi was a real force in the downtown scene in the 80s. He would wear a kind of Chairman Mao outfit with a press badge that would say “Slut for Art” and set up the camera to take party photos with him in it. Warhol was like a kingmaker, able to launch people into superstardom. He was unmistakably a queer figure. This is an intimate portrait of two men, Warhol and Basquiat, who shared a genuine interest in each other’s work. Conspicuously, the photographer has positioned them in front of the genitals of a massive figure as if to mark her femininity. What we see on the left is a working through of racial identity that I don’t think the picture resolves. There are questions that linger in the mind. One thing that I love is that these are questions worth asking and they are posed pretty directly.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

On View March 6 – May 31, 2020 “One of the ten best art exibitions of the decade.” – Artnews

Adam Rolston, I am out therefore I am. Courtesy of the Artist.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

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A SPECIAL PRIZM SECTION

The Case for Love and Equality HOW THE WEDDING INDUSTRY IS CATCHING UP TO OUR LGBTQ+ NUPTIALS BY KIRSTEN PALLADINO February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

In the fight for marriage equality, our rally cry has long been “love is love”—and rightly so. Shouldn’t our love be considered equal to that of our cisgender, heterosexual neighbors, friends, and colleagues? All of us are capable of feeling great big love that causes our hearts to quake with joy and equally capable of being shattered by heartbreak when a relationship ends. We are no more or less deserving of feeling loved, accepted, and wanted. Our marriages are equal to cishet marriages, and America finally got a chance to prove it. When we won marriage equality on a federal level on June 26, 2015, all same-sex couples nationwide were afforded the right to legally wed. Ohio played a pivotal role in this win. It was Ohioans Jim Obergefell and David Michener, two widowers, and Robert Grunn, a funeral director, who challenged the Ohio constitutional and statutory marriage recognition bans. Their court case led to the Supreme Court overturning the 6th Circuit decision and ruling that state bans on samesex marriage are unconstitutional.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

Upon the approach of the five-year anniversary of this historical moment, I can report from the frontlines that the wedding industry has made vast improvements in its treatment of LGBTQ+ couples and our weddings, but there’s still much work to be done. In March 2010, my wife, Maria, and I launched Equally Wed, a global online wedding magazine exclusively for LGBTQ+ couples and the wedding professionals who celebrate them. For the past decade, our website equallywed.com has featured LGBTQ+ weddings and engagements around the world; marriage equality news; travel recaps of LGBTQ+ safe honeymoon destinations; fashion, beauty and grooming tips; and interviews with top wedding professionals. We’ve also built a directory of LGBTQ+ inclusive wedding venues and vendors who are eager to serve our community with the respect we deserve, and in 2019, we launched Equally Wed Pro, an online educational portal with a digital LGBTQ+ inclusive certification course for wedding and event pros. In doing this work for 10 years, I’ve spoken at numerous conferences and workshops for wedding and event professionals around the United States and abroad. This has allowed me the privilege of doing on-theground research into what wedding professionals are feeling about LGBTQ+ marriage. The conversation has absolutely evolved. Maria and I launched Equally Wed because we personally experienced challenges when planning our own nuptials, including not feeling represented or acknowledged in the wedding magazines, books and blogs that we found, and finding vendors who were interested in working with us on our wedding. These challenges were the seeds that helped us decide to give our community something we didn’t have yet but something that was so sorely needed. At the onset of Equally Wed, we heard from many vendors around the country who were neither interested in working with Equally Wed nor with our readers (primarily engaged LGBTQ+ couples). At that time in 2010, only five states in the U.S. and the District of Columbia had marriage equality and the general support for same-sex marriage was 53 percent in favor and 45 percent against, according to Gallup. (For contrast, two-thirds of Americans were opposed to legalized same-sex marriage in 1996, with 27 percent in favor.)

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February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

There is a direct correlation between support for same-sex marriage and wedding equality. As an early fighter in the movement, I define wedding equality by the equal treatment of LGBTQ+ couples by wedding professionals. In order to properly operate within the parameters of wedding equality, wedding vendors, and venues must not merely tolerate LGBTQ+ couples getting married but must also celebrate them. Celebrating LGBTQ+ couples includes, but isn’t limited to, using LGBTQ+ inclusive language throughout their business communications, including their website and social media, contracts, marketing brochures, and the way the pros speak in person and in email with their clients. To be truly LGBTQ+ inclusive, a person must actively work to welcome, affirm and celebrate all people in the LGBTQ+ community, not just cisgender gays and lesbians but transgender, bisexual, gender nonconforming, nonbinary, pansexual, asexual, and queer folks as well. Five years ago when we achieved marriage equality in this country, there was a huge shift in support for LGBTQ+ weddings within the wedding industry. Some of it was driven by financial thirst, eyes wide with hope for more weddings equaling more business. But there was also a national awakening, an evolved understanding rather, that not only do LGBTQ+ couples deserve to love and be loved, but we also deserve to have legally recognized marriages, and all of the social and governmental graces and rights that accompany those marriages. In the five years since the passage of federal marriage equality, I’ve witnessed wedding pros growing more interested in LGBTQ+ weddings in a more generous way. Instead of what I first saw happening—LGBTQ+ allied wedding pros interested in working on LGBTQ+ weddings but trying to make the couples fit into premade heteronormative boxes—now more wedding pros are working hard to try to understand how to be LGBTQ+ inclusive, and to honor the traditions and history within the LGBTQ+ community. News continues to break of wedding venues and vendors refusing to serve LGBTQ+ couples, which proves we are not where we need to be in terms of wedding equality. But the quantity of these stories is slowly decreasing as more LGBTQ+ couples marry and show the world who we are and demand the respect we so deserve, along with our allies in and out of the wedding industry fighting for our inclusion. Just as we had to fight for marriage equality, we are still needing to make a case for wedding pros being more inclusive in the wedding industry. We’re not just two brides or two grooms getting married in two gowns or two suits. Our community is richly varied in our gender expression, our gender identities, our sexual orientation, our pronouns, our titles, and our worldviews. And with every “I do,” we get closer to our goal of our marriages seen as valid and worthy by the cishet community at large, which leads to better treatment of us as equal citizens.

••• Kirsten Palladino is the editorial director and cofounder of Equally Wed (the world’s most popular LGBTQ+ wedding website), the lead educator at Equally Wed Pro, and the author of Equally Wed: The Ultimate Guide to Planning Your LGBTQ+ Wedding (Seal Press / Hachette Book Group). equallywed.com

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

R e l at i o n s h i p R es c u e Therapists from across Ohio share their top tips for couples seeking counseling By Mike McGraw Tis the Valentine’s Day season: candy, flowers, cards…and an onslaught of media content that reinforces the mirage that relationships are always perfect and easy to achieve. Given that the reality is often something quite different, many couples seek out counseling to get a fresh perspective on their relationship. Therapists can help show you both how patterns of communication are not working optimally and how they might be improved. Here in Ohio, many therapists have experience with the particular issues same-sex and LGBTQ+ couples bring into the therapeutic encounter. We asked professionals from across the state for the top advice they would give those couples considering the brave step of initiating relationship therapy. 1) Keep in Mind: LGBTQA+ couples bring along special challenges as a result of societal challenges. “Same gender relationships are highly impacted by the marginalization and oppressive constructs imposed by hetero-normative society.” - Caitlin Yılmazer, MA, LPCC-S, Waybridge Counseling, Cincinnati, OH “All of us have internalized homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, etc., because we have grown up in a culture soaked in these phobias. We feel shame inside then we act it out in our relationship. We feel shame and then blame the other. We have to know how this pain operates in us and our relationships so we can grow and have healthier relationships” – David Dagg-Murry, Namaste Counseling & Consultation, Carroll, OH.

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2) Listen: Pause and really try to hear the other person. “Consider that your meaning making may be off the mark” - Jayne M. Treinen-Yager, Ed.D., LPCC-S, Holistic Counseling Care of Cincinnati, OH “LGBTQ people are acutely aware of being invalidated: not heard, dismissed, ignored. Listening is about taking in what the other says, experiencing it, and sharing your internal experience with the other. ” -Dagg-Murry “I notice there’s this unsaid expectation of higher emotional intelligence (almost to mind-reading level of superpower) among lesbian couples I see. Women tend to be socialized with higher skills for emotional labor in relationships, so I often notice in lesbian couples that there is a higher expectation for understanding needs and emotions without communicating them to one another. ” -Yılmazer 3) Desire(d) Communication: Don’t avoid talking about topics of intimacy. “Talk openly and frankly about sexual compatibility. We grow up in a predominantly heterosexual, JudeoChristian culture that teaches myths [about sex that] are [not] supported by research on human sexuality, much less LGBTQ experience and behavior.” -DaggMurry 4) Be Patient: Neither Rome nor a relationship solution were built in a day.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

“There are no magic wands….There are no quick fixes…Relationships can improve if both parties are willing to do the hard work that this necessary for this relationship” –Treinen-Yager “Relationships are like seasons, so even the most compatible and healthy couples will experience periods of lower intimacy and relationship satisfaction” -Yılmazer 5) Trust Your Gut: Find a therapist who is the right fit for you both. “Understand that the initial appointment is not just to share what is going on with the therapist. It is also the clients’ time to interview the therapist to make sure they are a good fit. Personal referrals are always great. Many therapists may put on their profiles that they are LGBTQ friendly, but that does not mean they understand the community or have any specialized training.” –Jill Mysonhimer, One Step Counseling & Coaching Services, Blue Ash OH For a vetted list of providers, check out Prizm Magazine’s Ohio’s LGBTQ+ Health Provider Guide tinyurl.com/PrizmPG2019 ••• Mike McGraw is a freelance writer residing in Cleveland Heights. He has published about community development and poverty in several northeast Ohio regional publications, particularly the Cleveland Street Chronicle.

PRESENTS

the musical! $7 for adults / $5 for students March 27 and 28 at 7pm March 29 at 2pm Visit artcollegeprep.org for more details

Photo courtesy of the Gender Specturm Collection

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

Let’s Talk About Sex Cleveland sex therapist breaks new ground in providing support to the LGBTQ+ community By Ilona Westfall Matt Lachman talks about sex for a living. Matt Lachman Photo by Ian Argo

It’s a career choice that probably either sounds like your dream job or worst nightmare. For Lachman, a Licensed Professional Counselor and the founder of Cleveland Sex Therapy, it’s most definitely the former. While it is pretty normal for people to be terrified to talk about sex, that reluctance is exactly why he set out to create his Cleveland-based practice. “We don’t really talk about sex because we shame it so much, but it’s such an integral part of our life and our identity,” he says. “My job is getting people comfortable talking about those things.” Lachman explains that discomfort is amplified for the LGBTQ+ community who can experience from an extra dose of stigma related to their sexuality and a lack of representation and education on topics related to sex. As a member of the LGBTQ+ community himself, Lachman is uniquely equipped to address that anxiety when he becomes the Cleveland area’s first LGBTQ+-focused, American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) certified sex therapist. “My tagline is ‘nurturing sex positivity and inclusivity’ to limit as much shame as possible,” he says. The AASECT certification and a sex positive approach are what sets him apart from others claiming to be a “sex therapist.” The term, he explains, is not currently protected or regulated, so anyone can conduct “sex therapy,” even if it is negative-based like shaming patients for things like porn addiction. When Lachman finishes the extensive training for certification this August, he’ll join only a few certified AASECT therapists in the region and the only one who identifies as LGBTQ+.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

Interestingly, sex therapy wasn’t his first career choice. Lachman initially had hopes of going into sports psychology, before returning to school to get a second Master’s degree to become a Licensed Counselor. He started work as a General Behavioral Health Therapist with the Cleveland Clinic (where he still works), but in 2018 did some soul searching. Recalling a human sexuality course he took and loved, something clicked. “I gravitated towards sex therapy because it’s more than just talking about sex. It’s understanding who you are as a person and how your identity is shaped throughout all of your experiences,” says Lachman. “I have friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community and I heard all of this sex shaming, slut-shaming stuff. And I was like, Why is this happening? Let me look into a path that will help me be an advocate.”

We don’t really talk about sex because we shame it so much, but it’s such an integral part of our life and our identity, Soon after, he found AASECT and, inspired by entrepreneurial relatives, started Cleveland Sex Therapy, which now has a private office at Limelight, a co-working space in Cleveland’s Ohio City neighborhood. While his services are open to any individuals or couples interested in a safe space to talk about gender identity, kink, non-monogamy, sexual health or dysfunction, or any other sex-related topic, he is determined to focus on some of the LGBTQ+ community’s specific needs. “It’s heartbreaking because people keep trying to fit into this heteronormative heterosexual view of what a healthy relationship looks like,” reflects Lachman. “And there’s just so many ways of having a healthy, successful relationship.” Lachman is a believer in normalizing consensual non-monogamy, destigmatizing HIV and STIs, and getting rid of rigid adherence to labels in gay relationships (e.g. – top/bottom, butch/femme, etc.). And he’s not going to stop his advocacy with Cleveland. He hopes to expand Cleveland Sex Therapy, offering virtual sessions statewide to stem the spread of sex negativity. “It’s a movement really,” he says. “That’s what I’m trying to start.” For more information on Cleveland Sex Therapy, visit ClevelandSexTherapy. com, and for more information on the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, visit AASECT.org. ••• Ilona Westfall is a Cleveland-based freelance writer and regular contributor to Cleveland Magazine and FreshWater Cleveland. Follow her on Twitter at @ IlonaWestfall.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

A Book o f B r e ak u p s By Lou Barrett With a distinct lack of models of healthy sex and love in mainstream media, I created Purpled Palm Press (PPP) to publish work about life’s pleasures within the context of the queer community. As the goal was to feature work about all parts of relationships—not just the happy times—the first submissions I started taking were about breakups. The result? Our first anthology, The Breakup Book: Essays on Queer Breakups, came out September 2019 and includes work by 14 queer writers. A lot of queer media focuses on love first. While promoting the book, I’d joke that we’re constantly asserting, “Look straight people, we’re good at relationships. They’re really successful and last a long time. Give us rights.” The obsession with respectability politics dismisses any “negative” part of queer life, like breakups, which are just a facet of life regardless of gender and sexuality. I wanted to challenge queer people to share stories about their exes and breakups that weren’t all trash talk and hurt feelings. Given our heteronormative culture, most relationship guides are written by and for straight people. As a publisher, I’m interested in finding ways for us as a queer community to give each other tools and ideas that are specifically relevant to us and our experiences, which are nuanced. I was completely blown away by the submissions we received. The stories people shared ran the gamut from flings that ended too early to relationships that probably lasted too long.

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My favorite quote from the book comes from Anna by Alejandra Solis Herrera who submitted to The Breakup Book all the way from Mexico, They’re wrong when they say that the first cut is the deepest. Each breakup is an accumulation of breakups. When we let someone go, we are actually freeing ourselves from all of the partners we’ve ever had. If we’re the ones getting dumped, we ache with a pain that’s compounded by all of the insecurities every single one of our partners brought out in the past. Heartbreaks are never about that one person. Or, to put it another way, heartbreaks are more about us and less about them. And when you are starved for love, as I was - am - you will go to great lengths to deny that your heart has been broken. These essays hold respect and value for their past. They’re sad, heartfelt, and oh so tender. I’m confident that anybody looking for solace in a relationship ended will find it in these pages. ••• Lou Barrett is a writer focused on femme identity and queer culture. They run Purpled Palm Press and Let It Out. Follow their work at loubarrett.com and on purpledpalmpress.com, where you can pick up a copy of The Breakup Book.

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Sexual E vo l u t i o n Longtime Ohio LGBTQ+ community members relate experiences in sex and sexuality

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By Garth Bishop No matter their individual journey, older members of the LGBTQ+ community have seen substantial progress in attitudes toward sex and sexuality. And all hope their experiences—both the good and the bad—might be informative to younger community members who, despite the generational differences, stand to face some of the same issues. We spoke with just a handful of them to get their take on how times have changed.* Dramatis Personae •

Ron Clemons, Cincinnati: Age 66, gay, out 44 years, single

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Gayle DeGeorge, Cleveland: Age 62, lesbian, out 17 years, in a new relationship

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The Rev. Gene Finnegan, Sandusky: Age 87, gay, out 34 years, in a long-term relationship (married 2015)

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Darryl Fore, Cleveland: Age 60, gay, out 42 years, single

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Tim Tavcar, Cleveland: Age 72, gay, out 52 years, single

Conversations have been edited for clarity.

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What were the circumstances around your coming out experience? Clemons: When I actually came out to my parents, they kind of said, “Well, we’ve known that since you were 4.” When I came out after college, I just thought, “I’m not going to live in shame, I’m not going to be embarrassed by this.” I haven’t looked back since that day. DeGeorge: I came out after a 22-year marriage. I had one lesbian experience before I was married. Because the experience wasn’t a good one, I questioned, maybe that’s not who I was. Even though it felt right, it just wasn’t the right person. Finnegan: (Husband the Rev. John Rainey) and I had known each other for years, and came out to each other in 1980. He was separated, and I was still married. I didn’t see any way out; I was so deep in the closet. When I came out in 1986, I’m sure a lot of people were surprised. Some of my friends turned their back and walked away; for some of them, it didn’t make a difference. Fore: I came of age towards the end of the sexual revolution in the late 1970s. Personally, I did not care for meeting people at the bookstores, parks, and other public places. The fear of being arrested and being publicly shamed outweighed the risk. Besides, I had several friends who had picked up the “wrong one” and ended up getting robbed or, worse yet, murdered. My solution was to patronize bathhouses. Tavcar: When I came out, it wasn’t all that long since you were a criminal or you were crazy for being crazy, and you could be hospitalized for it. But I’ve always been employed in the fine and performing arts, and there was always support there. What are some of the most meaningful changes you’ve seen with regard to attitudes about sex and sexuality?

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Clemons: On some level, we’ve become a lot more – well, “puritanical” might be a little strong, but a little bit more judgmental about sex. In the gay community, we’ve gone from being very sex-oriented to being more relationshiporiented. We want to be more acceptable to the larger culture, so we’ve kind of erased that part of our lives, to the point of almost shaming people who were involved in that. DeGeorge: I can remember, when I met my partner after I got divorced, going to Snickers Tavern and being on that patio where we could get together and hold hands. Now, I feel you can kind of do that anywhere; younger people are really out and aren’t bothered by any of that. Fore: Life in these United States has become highly sexualized. We are constantly bombarded with sexually suggestive images and language. Because of this, and life in this digital age, people do not have open and honest conversations about sex. That is the reason why there is a high rate of STDs among young people. What are some things you wish you’d known when you were younger?

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Gayle DeGeorge Photo by Ian Argo

Rob Clemons Photo by Entendre Photography

Clemons: I would tell that younger self that the amount of sex you have isn’t necessarily based on your level of attractiveness. But at the same time, I would say to enjoy your sexuality, not be so hesitant to engage in it because it actually is a pretty wonderful thing, even sex that doesn’t necessarily come with a relationship or dating. DeGeorge: I wish I’d known there was an LGBT center, a place to go to talk about what I was going through in my late teens. Finnegan: I would say, “You’re OK, there’s nothing wrong with you.” Fore: I wish I understood the difference between love and sex earlier in my life. How have your attitudes toward sex and sexuality evolved? Clemons: I’m more open to talking about sex, but I’m also more open to talking about the other things that go along with it. In relationships, it’s about being able to talk about the types of sex you like and enjoy. It’s important to be able to talk about that, because I don’t have another 40 years to explore my sexuality. Fore: When I was younger, I had no problem talking about sex – at any place at any time. Maybe because I had so much sex between the ages of 18 and 45 supposedly looking for love and a good time, I realize that sex is overrated. I am at a point in my life where I cherish companionship. What message do you have for young people who are dealing with issues now that you dealt with years ago? Clemons: I’d tell them to explore, play and not take it so seriously. Sex isn’t always going to lead to a relationship, and that’s OK, but it’s important to be able to explore their own sexuality, what they like and what they don’t like. Know your limits, know what you’re about, protect yourself, and be smart. DeGeorge: If there’s an LGBT center, a youth group or something like that, seek it out. Finnegan: Try to build a network of people who love and accept you. Fore: Always have a sense of humor. The person that can make me laugh will always have my heart. Because nothing is the end of the world except the actual end of the world. ••• Garth Bishop is a freelance writer and a longtime Columbusarea journalist. He serves as president of the Society of Professional Journalists – Central Ohio Pro Chapter. February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

ONE OF

Sophia Fisher Age: 50 Identifies as: Gay Woman Pronouns: She / Her / Hers Hometown: Elmore Current Residence: Toledo

Sophia Fisher not only has a story to tell, but she knows how to get you to hear it. As the Digital Marketing Director of Urban Adrenaline, a Toledo-based creative design studio, Fisher uses her unique lens to shine a light on the rich diversity in the LGBTQ+ community, particularly in western Ohio. She recently created a powerful and emotional video that explores progress, authenticity, and identity, all set against the backdrop of Toledo Pride. For Fisher, it’s just reminder of the power of being yourself. “Stand out,” she says. “I say it over and over again, and it’s true every single time.” What was it like growing up in Elmore? Elmore is definitely a rural community. Being a triple minority [gay, Hispanic, female], I always knew I was different. I could speak Spanish at 3 better than I could English. Even though my parents were very accepting of me—my brother was gay, so there were two of us out of five children—I was closeted until I was about 40. It just wasn’t something that was talked about. Sell our readers on Toledo. When you look at Ohio, you’re talking the three C’s. But Toledo is a place that deserves to be showcased. It really has changed a lot. There’s the opportunity here to be a part of an LGBTQ+ community that is actually diverse. And there are significant parts of the city that are approaching living here from a social determinant perspective, which means LGBTQ+ people are being integrated into society in truly meaningful ways. How do you approach your work differently than your peers? We’re a full-service digital marketing and communications agency that

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com

specializes in the diverse American marketplace. But we don’t throw around words like diversity and inclusion as buzzwords. It’s really our passion. People often rely on bigger cities and larger brands to be the first ones to showcase the LGBTQ+ community. I want to bring it to the local level. We need small to mid-size businesses to have the confidence to not just be gay for a day on Pride—which is great—but also do it throughout the year. Have a billboard that stays up there all year with LGBTQ+ representation. There is a market there, but you can’t grow a relationship and a brand if it’s just on Pride. What advice to you have for others who are a triple minority? Be your authentic self and don’t settle. It’s unfortunate that we have to educate others, but it also means that we’re in a position to help others understand the multifaceted issues facing our community. It’s not only ok to be different; it’s powerful. What’s making you smile these days? That [Toledo LGBTQ+] video wasn’t supposed to be released until 2020. I’m getting my certification in diversity and inclusion, and the video was the first piece of a project. Someone leaked it prior to the release. People asked, “Do you want us to pull it down?” and I said, “Absolutely not.” The promotion has been grass-roots and raw. There was no PR behind it. I wanted to see what kind of legs we could get out of this. It makes me smile how it ended up in so many people’s hands and how it has inspired, educated, and given people a sense of Toledo.

Photo by Brian Carpenter One of Us is a bi-monthly portrait celebrating the diversity of Ohio’s LGBTQ+ community.

February-March 2020 PrizmNews.com