'OWN your calm ' WITH EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

by Jenna Hermans

"The Queen of Calm"

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS A TWO-WAY STREET

Communication consists of two parts: expressing yourself and listening to others. Communicating isn’t only about getting your ideas and concepts heard and acted upon, it also requires that you listen, understand, and take action on what other people say. This is called active listening and if you do it right, you’ll find that effective communication is less about talking and more about listening.

Active Listening

You know that listening is a much-needed skill let’s go over how to do it right. Active listening means to focus completely on the person speaking, understand their message, comprehend and integrate the information, and respond thoughtfully. In order to actively listen, you must make a conscious effort to not just hear what someone is saying but to also really absorb it — to digest the information and truly understand.

NOW, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT:

SHOW YOU'RE LISTENING

1. Turn your body to face the person talking to you.

2. Make and maintain eye contact.

3. Notice nonverbal signals, such as facial expressions and body language. All of this is a part of the conversation and the information they’re telling you. Are they tense? Open and loose? Are their arms crossed defensively? Are they rubbing their eyes as if they’re tired or upset?

4. Don’t impose your opinions or go immediately into problem-solving mode unless invited to do so.

5. Nod your head, smile, and make affirming noises, like “yes” and “uh huh.” It sounds small, but doing these things shows you’re listening and encourages the speaker to continue.

Be Present

Make eye contact. Don’t look at your watch or phone (place your phone facedown if needed). Try to refrain from fidgeting or playing with your hair or fingers.

Eliminate distractions. If you can, silence your phone or even turn it off. If you’re on a video conference call, don’t try to check your email or play a game. You’ll lose focus and the speaker will pick up on it.

Pay attention. Don’t plan what you’re going to say next while someone is speaking. If your attention is on what you’re going to say, you aren’t fully able to hear what is being said.

Take notes. In more elaborate discussions, tell or ask the person if you can take notes so you can jot something down and come right back to listening. If you notice a distraction, return to listening. If you do get distracted, like the doorbell rings during a call or your kid melts down, notice the distraction and come straight back to listening.

Avoid drama dumping. I have a colleague with a teenage daughter and her friend group has an effective way to stay out of the drama dump that I think is brilliant. Before they text a dramatic situation or feeling (I mean, they’re teenage girls!), they ask, “Is it a good time to talk to you about something heavy?” And if they need to vent, they clarify, “I just need to vent; feel free to respond later!” Go teen calm!

Don’t interrupt. Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts to completion before you respond with your questions or thoughts.

Repeat back. Paraphrase the other person’s words to make sure you heard them correctly and to validate their thoughts. You can say, “So what I’m hearing you say is . which makes you feel like ” or “I want to make sure I understand can you repeat ?”

Ask questions. To show you are engaged and to clarify meaning, you might ask something like, “What do you mean when you say ?”

Be Curious

Ask open-ended questions. Seek first to understand instead of to be understood. By showing curiosity and interest in the other person’s perspective, you gain their trust and they will share more honestly.

DON'T JUDGE

You can’t be empathetic if you’re judging someone (even silently) as they’re talking,. Making judgmental statements or judgy body language (eye-rolling, dismissive hand-waving) will stop the other person from sharing. Extend respect, compassion, grace, and forgiveness to the degree that you would like it extended to you.

For more tips on how to create more calm in your life, visit Jenna’s website at JennaHermans.com