The Obsession Issue (Spring 2023)

editor letter

Dear Prattlers,

If you’re like me, specific moments in time can be best pinpointed by a key fixation. To combat extreme childhood anxiety and insomnia, I was given a stack of books, a reading light, and the instructions to read until my eyes couldn’t physically stay open. This awoke in me the voracious need to consume books as if they were oxygen. My teenage access to Wattpad led to trying my hand at writing, which turned me onto the path I follow today as a writing major. A childhood infatuation with “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” still sculpts my work and the emo phase I never quite got over sets the soundtrack. What I mean to say is that maybe our obsessions never fully leave us and instead just snowball into something bigger until they become a part of our personality and lifestyle. Without these long-term fixations, who might I have become? Would I be here, writing this letter today?

For this issue, we chose to focus on the role of how “Obsession,” a large part of being human, plays into so much of our daily activities and choices. Was it not an obsession with the arts that drew you to Pratt Institute? Does this not continue to fuel your drive and hard work as you persevere through the spring semester?

This issue was born out of a need to speak about our obsessions within today’s popular culture–– our fixation on the lives of celebrities, our infatuation with “sad girls” and their beautiful tragedies, and the morbid rise of true crime entertainment, just to name a few. But is this overwhelming passion inherently good or bad? Find out within the pages of this issue.

Enthusiastically Yours,

BEHIND THE COVER

In the emergence of the digital age, an exaggerated sense of self-importance and the desire for attention or validation leads to a distorted sense of reality, causing oneself to become obsessed. We succumb to the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts, consumed by the desire to enhance ourselves beyond recognition. When creating the cover for this issue’s theme– the thought of using my own model seemed most appropriate. The thought of seeing my own face magnified and reproduced in countless copies seemed most fulfilling.

Once I had scanned myself in 3D, I abstracted the figure to evoke a sense of emptiness, in response to the undeniable void that arises when we become solely fixated on obsessing over something. The sharp needle detailing that pierces through the model serves to intensify the feeling of inadequacy that can come from neglecting other aspects of life, pulling us deeper into the void. The mirrors add depth to the metaphorical and literal act of reflecting upon ourselves. My aim was to create visuals that were captivating– and in a way, dreamy, as an attempt to illustrate the romanticized way that one might view an obsession towards something. Or perhaps even the illusion that this sensation may induce, as one may fantasize about.

The pull of obsession is unique to oneself; an intensely personal experience. But let us not shy away from this pull, for in it lies the source of our greatest passions and potential for self-discovery. Let us relish in it while we can, and let our art be a reflection of our innermost obsessions.

Continuing on the same theme–I’d like to express the utmost gratitude toward my own efforts and hard work.

MELANIE LEUNG WWW.MELANIE.WTF

By Ian M. Fastert

Trent Bangle

Emma Vall

Tanvi Kumar

By Daniel DeMarse

Hannah Power

Krissy Williams

Naomi Desai

Hadley Uribe

THE CYCLICAL CANVAS

BY ANNA MONTALTO

True Crime Obsession

BY REACE DEDON

ART BY SERENA Y. CHENG

Does enjoying true crime entertainment make us bad people? This is a question some may have been pondering in lieu of the recent surge in true crime entertainment. As the numbers of true crime fans rise, the demographic of female fans becomes more obvious. What could be so enthralling about hearing your worst nightmare victimizing another? The answer is more complicated than it may seem.

Spotify’s 2022 data revealed that seventy percent of true crime podcast listeners were women. Psychological theorists such as Dr. Sharon Packer, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, have suggested that women feel more strongly about these stories due to their greater capabilities of empathy compared to men, thus becoming more invested. Dr. Packer proposes that women associate true crime with a “dress rehearsal” of sorts, seeing as most of the victims are women. This, of course, is relative to the understanding of gender-based studies, and it does not work as a blanket statement as gender is not binary. The data, however, does tell us that gender

in to “Unsolved Mysteries,” “Dateline” and “20/20” weekly for years. They warned us as children the same way we warn our peers now with safety tips like, “Make only right turns if you think you’re being followed, scream ‘fire,’ not ‘help’ and tell at least one other person where you will be on a date.” Our imminent danger has always been a concern, but the retelling of these tragedies by people not related to the victims for monetary gain often feels insensitive. Several of the most popular podcasts, like “Crime Junkie,” are criticized for recklessly spreading false information about crimes and profiting off of stories many families are still grieving over.

While listeners of true crime often feel safer by listening to these stories, it’s important to consume mindfully. When searching for true crime content, it’s best to subscribe to podcasts that don’t sensationalize. Instead, look for those that rely on primary sources, speak respectfully, and donate to related charities. It’s also important that we, as consumers, understand how unspoken social contracts impact the acts of crime and its consumption. Often, predators count on the fact that women are more likely to feel obligated to assist a stranger in need for fear of being assumed rude. They may also feel safer engaging readily with a stranger since rejection can also fuel violence. The majority of crimes against women are perpetrated by someone familiar to the victim, and the social obligations women feel towards family and peers in these instances are ever further strained. As consumers, we must question our motives. While the pool of women whose obsession is fueled by internalized misogyny is small, no woman is immune to its effects outside of the true crime community.

Despite any amount of soul-searching and therapy one might receive, the expectations of female behavior in today’s society often feels like an immovable weight. Just as women must look out for themselves, they must look out for others. There are victims and survivors all around us. The implications of true crime as an entertainment medium may make these instances feel distant and escapable, even. While there is no shame in consuming true crime, it’s important to maintain your ethical responsibility and to do so with reverence.

CHAMBERLAIN OBSESSION: DOES SHE DESERVE THE TITLE OF GEN Z’S ICON?

WORDS AND ART BY ALEX KASEL

Who doesn’t love a success story?! Well sure, if the heroine is college-aged and has a coffee company, an Architectural Digest-worthy home, and a portfolio of work with brands such as Louis Vuitton and Vogue, one might feel a little jealousy, but on my part, there’s also a whole lot of admiration. Over the past seven years, Emma Chamberlain has risen to have not only internet fame, but global influence. She went from filming YouTube videos in her parent’s modest home to walking the red carpet to the tune of a 12-million-dollar net worth at the age of only 21. In spite of all this, a huge part of her reputation is just being a “normal” girl with a good sense of humor and style. She’s famous for being herself, which is an impressive feat in the oversaturated world of the internet. I’m obsessed with the trajectory of her influence, success, and growth as a human being—how could I not be when I watched her get there every step of the way?

Like many of her fans, I grew up alongside Emma. I was learning to drive when she posted videos about getting her license, and I was going to Target with my friends after school as she posted hauls from that very store. Unlike previous YouTubers I’d watched, Emma didn’t pretend to have her shit together any more than the rest of us. It seemed she came up with an idea, like crafting or cooking, and then filmed herself giving it her best shot, tossing comedic comments in left and right. This new wave of casual videos was exciting. It felt real! She was one of the first to do it and keep doing it, landing on the Time’s 2019 list of “The 25 Most Influential People On The Internet,” which wrote that she “pioneered an approach to vlogging that shook up Youtube’s unofficial style guide.” Another aspect of Emma’s influence that has grown tremendously

within the past four years is her podcast “Anything Goes,” where she discusses an enormous array of topics including travel, mental health, relationships, morality, and identity, to name a few.

It’s very telling of Emma’s appeal that her fame revolves around her personality, style, and opinions when we consider the current cultural obsession with niches and personal aesthetics. She appears at home in her identity (visual and otherwise), but like most young people she took a journey to get there. Emma was the origin of the “VSCO girl” aesthetic in 2016. A photography-based app used by Gen Z, VSCO briefly defined a subgenre of personal aesthetic in a way Tumblr had once done, popularizing scrunchie hair ties and reusable straws. Oddly enough, as Emma herself has discovered a more sophisticated style, “VSCO girl” content on the app has also pivoted to cater to more luxurious tastes. But while Emma maintains a certain aesthetic, she still doesn’t pretend to be perfect. In an online world that’s obsessed with appearances, it’s inspiring to both admire someone for their taste and success and to be reminded that they have down days, pet peeves, and mistakes of their own. It makes her life seem relatable and achievable.

Many modern influencers have garnered an audience by promoting a certain aesthetic right down to the food they eat and activities they partake in. For example, to act within the aesthetic of “dark academia” one might record their trip to the library looking for classics, while to enact the lifestyle of the “that girl” aesthetic, one might get up early and drink a smoothie before showcasing their productive day. Especially due to the short form aspect of TikTok and Instagram Reel videos, many creators promote unachiev

able standards of particular aesthetics rather than using them as tools to find one’s personal style. The fact that Emma Chamberlain now refrains from using TikTok in order to protect her mental health rather than using it to further her influence is relatable, especially considering her status as a member of the last generation to grow up without it.

However, a major critique of Emma has been her silence on political and social subjects. Emma has been sharing content on the internet since she was 16, so it unfortunately makes sense with her upbringing as a middle-class white woman that she wasn’t always knowledgeable about social justice. But as she grows and learns, Emma is ready to tackle serious topics. In a recent episode titled “is ignorance bliss?” Emma discusses the pros and cons of thinking critically as opposed to going with the flow. In discussing the cons of ignorance, she neglects to mention that there are some things it’s a privilege to be ignorant about. It’s not okay to be willfully ignorant about the struggles of systematically marginalized people, or how one’s daily behavior and vocabulary can move to uphold or reject these systems. If Emma is to be truly considered a role model for her impressionable audience (made up largely of young women in their teens and 20s) she needs to consistently incorporate larger social issues into her explorations of difficult subjects. This critique could be restated for many influencers and celebrities, but because Emma shares her opinion on such a wide array of topics, when there are glaring worldly issues she doesn’t mention, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

I could see Emma taking this step because she’s open to sharing her unfiltered opinion and she’s also willing to change her mind. I’m not saying she needs to tell us who she’s voting for, but as someone who uses her platform to talk about the intricacies of

human behavior, it seems out of character that she would tiptoe around “sensitive” topics to avoid backlash from those who disagree. She even recently shared an episode responding to critiques she’s received about previously discussed topics. In response to an episode about the pros and cons of being your own boss, where she romanticized nine-to-five jobs and voiced her issues with being her own boss, she quickly agreed with listeners that it is a privilege to be in her situation as her own boss, and that regardless of the obstacles she may face in organizing her time and creating work/life boundaries, it could be far worse to be working a job she wasn’t passionate about for an unkind boss. Another topic she revisited and corrected was her stance on female friendships, noting that she did not want to add to the false narrative of hyper-competition among women, and that healthy female friendships do exist. In all these instances, she offered up gratitude to her listeners for sharing their perspectives and creating this learning opportunity for her.

I would say (and I’m sure her sixteen-million plus followers would agree) that the world is already obsessed with Emma Chamberlain, and I don’t think that’s going away. But if she made her platform an even more inclusive space (hopefully as she starts to receive guests on her podcast this will be the case) I could truly call her the most successful, positively influential, and relatable celebrity to break out of Youtube.

“The world is already obsessed with Emma Chamberlain, and I don’t think that’s going away.”

SLIPPING BY ELLA BEARD

IG: @arts. ella

When Rewatch Becomes Obsession

BY IAN M. FASTERT

The feelings gained from a piece of art you love – in any form, from fine art to television and song– are some of the most personal emotions one can have. Your bond to that work, whether in admiration of its craft, themes, “so me” value, or the pure escapism it brings, is unique to you. It shapes your perception of it, and if unchecked, it starts to shape you back. We’ve all experienced a piece of art for the first time and stood in awe of the emotion it brought us. Connection to art helps form our personalities, find others who share our interests, and provide an outlet through which our inner emotions can be let loose for a few brief moments before we’re needed to return to the reserved normalcy of social life.

This is not obsessive. These feelings are shared by everyone at some point or another, relationships forming between art and person infinitely through time. Rarer though are the works that truly bury themselves deep within our thoughts; art that completely and utterly resonates in ways difficult to explain, manifesting into life compulsively. Rewatching episodes you love is normal – watching the same episode every day for a week is when things start to go off the rails.

In my sophomore year of high school, I watched The Social Network four times in one week for many of the reasons one obsesses over works: it was tragic, brilliantly put together, and endlessly quotable. This alone may not have endeared it to me as strongly if it weren’t for how I had been feeling that week of my life – isolated, confused, and in need of emotional release. On my first watch, by

ART BY ASHELY YU IG: @mono xlan.art

the finale of the film (where the semi-fictionalized Mark Zuckerberg is left alone, refreshing the Facebook page of someone who hates him) I was so enthralled by everything I had just watched, pummeled by the quiet devastation the movie built up and unloaded onto me, that I was deeply attached to it. I needed to see it again.

The subsequent watches helped me understand why I was so obsessed; from the perfection of the casting, almost resembling a Shakespearian drama as performed by preppy Harvard students, to its interrogation of future isolation brought through the dawn of social media. It was an eye-opening piece of filmmaking on its own, but as something that spoke to my fears and worries at that moment of my life, it was catastrophic. Its most painful moments looped in my head for days, and it was clear I was rewatching simply to stew in those feelings.

Did this help me work through some of those emotions? Maybe, but the rewatch is a double-edged sword, and every attempt to recapture the original feeling dulls its power for future observations. It was more akin to coping than searching for any new revelations about movies or myself. Yet it remains a part of who I am, a reminder that no matter where I end up in life, I will have once watched The Social Network four times in a week. It’s no way to live, but the rush of allowing yourself to become completely obsessed with a piece of art is unforgettable and links that work to you forever.

BY EMMA VALL

HOOKED ON TO ‘ You ’

AND ART BY

Media portraying complicated relationships and a myriad of darker emotions, such as jealousy and obsession, have grown to rank #1 in our watch lists. While some shows take seasons to build an ordinary but sinister character that viewers are torn between loving and hating, “You” pulls it off with twisted confidence.

Netflix’s psychological thriller follows Joe Goldberg, played by Penn Badgley, a serial obsessor in his mid-30s who hides behind the guise of an awkwardly charming and thoughtful boyfriend. The story chronicles his obsessions with a series of women, which blossom after just one encounter. Even his expressions of love – “everythingship” and “I wolf you” – foreshadow and fetishize the all-consuming transition of his lovers into victims. But, there are twists and a twist to end all twists, and every season Joe meets a woman who mirrors his violent nature. Ironically, Joe rationalizes the obsessive women into repulsive antagonists, portraying himself as “the better man” to justify eventually murdering them.

After its second season, I remember my friends describing how nauseating the show is and myself responding with, “it’s hard to keep watching.” Yet, when the third season premiered in January of 2020, we watched it until the end, within two days. It seems that feeling infuriated with every twist and dark humor is central to the “You” experience.

While Penn Badgley’s unsettling, dark-eyed gaze and obsessive character drives the series, the internal monologue keeps us gripped. He uses the second person, addressing his victims as “you” to project his own fan-

tasies and preconceived notions onto other characters. This intimate view of the world through Joe’s eyes and the closeness that extends beyond the characters to the audience being addressed as “you” reframes relatable romantic tropes into nightmarish intrusions. The title and the show speak about us and to us, causing us to compare our own toxic behaviors to those exaggerated in the series, such as stalking on social media and feeling compelled to check our partners’ phones to satiate our trust issues.

Despite Joe’s lack of remorse for his sociopathic actions and delusions of love, his quick-witted persona and conventional good looks make him likable, coaxing us into empathizing with him – and falling into his manipulative trap. Furthermore, the flaws of his victims make his actions justifiable to himself and coerce us into giving him another chance at redemption (more than once). We also see moments of kindness and support from Joe when he helps his young neighbors escape their turbulent childhoods.

“You” highlights the grey areas between good and bad, leaving us conflicted about who we want to root for versus who it is ethical to be rooting for. Our love-hate dilemma for this problematic protagonist seduces us into being Joe’s victims, unable to condemn him to rightful punishment, but also Joe himself, obsessed and unable to stop watching. Lucky (or unlucky) for us, the fourth installment of this messy show is returning, still every bit as sinister, stinging, and willing to screw with its eagerly waiting audience.

WORDS

TANVI KUMAR

For Your Convenience

WORDS AND ART BY DANIEL DEMARSE

When marijuana was decriminalized in New York state, it did not mean that it was legal to sell, only to possess. Nonetheless, convenience stores around the city started selling it under the table. One of such stores is located outside of Pratt. Since attending Pratt, this store has been a part of my academic routine of obsession. I would usually purchase an IPA before class, and, if I had some extra dough, these sour gummy edibles that were way too potent.

A story of obsession, in my case, must be a story of ingestion. I like ingesting things before I do things. Always have. It is my form of officiation. It cinches both sides of the action, its beginning and end. That’s why I smoke cigarettes. That’s why I used to drink IPAs before class.

I got it all from the same place—my beloved convenience store next to Luigi’s pizza. I have gotten to know the guys at the register a little bit. There’s Jimmy, a tall gangly guy who smokes joints outside the store; and London, who allegedly works there, he said he did, but I think he’s just a haunt. I spoke to him once about worker’s comp and angling on the Hudson upstate, all while I polished off two IPAs and a pizza.

The more interest I showed in their marijuana products, the friendlier they were to me. You have to understand—this is how the exchange works. I think they were also impressed with how much I could drink. I told Jimmy that I got toasted so I could study. This is true.

But one day, I took way too many gummies before class and entered Bizarro World. That’s not to say that I am not used to Bizarro

World, but it didn’t bode well that day for me. I was knee-deep in ideas of reference, a psychotic situation in which everything about the external World seems relevant to oneself, and everything everybody said meant something judgmental about me or was just generally ominous. I was wearing the only mask I could find at the time, but it was one of those gag ones with a smiley on it that in the wake of the pandemic may have seemed out of touch, and everything I said just sounded pretentious. Anyone with self-esteem issues knows how these piddling details can give you unexpected grief, especially when one is stoned.

A lesson to learn from all this must be that I shouldn’t officiate my actions by ingesting, consuming. There is enough to consume when it comes to the sense-stimulus around keeping track of my academic responsibilities. Enough anxiety to consume myself in flame.

These days, I am more responsible about my responsibilities. I save the IPA for after class. Sometimes.

A few days ago, I went to enact my usual officiation at the convenience store. There were cops inside and two patrol cars outsideone of which was a van. They told me to wait to come in. I thought, maybe they finally got wise. Maybe the cops were always wise. But at this point, the illegality of selling marijuana is such a gray area, that maybe I can write this article about it without ‘blowing up their spot’ as the kids say. Hopefully, this effort can even give them more business.

Just, don’t buy the unregulated gummies.

BECOMING THE PERFECT WOMAN

BY KRISSY WILLIAMS

In today’s world, media consumption has become an integral part of our daily lives. From social media to movies and TV shows, we are constantly exposed to images and stories that further shape our understanding of the world and ourselves. However, for some individuals, this constant consumption can become obsessive, leading to a blurring of the lines between reality and fiction.

This phenomenon caught my attention when I read the article “Standing on the Shoulders of Complex Female Characters’’ by Rayne-Fisher Quann, an activist and social media influencer known for her discussions on feminism and pop culture. Quann’s perspective and critique of the societal trend of “mental illness chic” piqued my interest. This is a trend where individuals romanticize their struggles with mental illness for aesthetic or entertainment purposes, or to gain attention. Quann shares a dream where she seeks help, but a Hollywood producer is more interested in turning her experiences into a movie than in assisting her. She also talks about how she tries to romanticize her own experiences with depression through the way she writes them in her articles to make them more intriguing for her audience, like eating chocolates in bed and writing poetry. The article’s exploration of societal pressure on women deeply resonated with me, as it reminded me of my own obsessive experiences with mental illness. I felt pressure to make my tweets on my private Twitter account entertaining and introspective while downplaying the reality of my issues to avoid causing concern.

The prevalence of “mental illness chic” can be attributed to a combination of factors, including the glamorization of mental illness in media and the normalization of self-disclosure and sharing online. Social media has created a platform for individuals to share their personal experiences and struggles, and in some cases, this sharing can become performative, with individuals striving to make their experiences more interesting or appealing. In addition, the media has portrayed mental illness in a way that romanticizes it, making it seem like a desirable trait to have.

Consequences can be detrimental, particularly for young women. Women are often subjected to societal pressures to conform to a certain standard of beauty and behavior. These pressures are amplified in patriarchal societies, where women are expected to be submissive and domestic. As a result, many young women use their experiences with mental illness to relate to fictional characters who are also struggling with similar issues. Shows like “Fleabag” or “Euphoria” have gained massive popularity, particularly among young women, for their portrayal of characters dealing with mental health issues. These characters provide a sense of representation and validation for individuals who may feel isolated in their own experiences.

ART BY DIZZY STARFIE IG: @dizzy_starfie

The danger lies in the tendency to romanticize and glamorize these characters’ struggles, leading to the normalization of mental illness as an aesthetic rather than an issue that requires proper treatment. By shifting the focus from romanticization to understanding and supporting those who are affected by it, we work towards a more empathetic and informed society.

By Trent Bangle

DonaCon, Mirror of NarCissus

BY HANNAH POWER

Skilled hunter, son of Cephissus, man of god-like vanity, with eyes of riverbank brown, face sculpted as if by Pygmalion, body forged by Hephaestus, rejector of man, woman, nymph and god. None are deserving of Narcissus, the god among men.

Looking was never the proper option.

You need me, as I need you.

Nemesis took notice upon you, revenge so sweet, bewitching you to my banks, luring you to glance upon me. Meet my water, my gaze, and I shall show you your bloom.

My stagnant waters mirror your desires.

Never shall you leave me. I am what you desire. I am all you need. Touch me not, for you shall ripple perfection.

Intangible love, dying as one.

Waste and wither, join my banks, my waters. Your mortal skin holds you back no more.

Beauty on beauty, we will become one for all of eternity.

ART BY AVERY SLEZAK

IG: @ artvery

ART BY YOO YOUNG CHUN IG: @yyounggy

The Mindy Kaling Dilemma

BY NAOMI DESAI

I grew up in Silicon Valley, where the majority of my peers have Asian immigrant parents, like me, who worked hard to provide an affluent life for their children. That work ethic has been passed down from generation to generation which meant the majority of us defined the obedient, nerdy Asian stereotype which I sometimes still identify with today. So few people at Pratt come from the same background as me, which leads me to the media to feel represented. Instead, I end up disappointed that my only options are these white-washed characters that don’t tell my story.

Mindy Kaling is the most famous Indian American female voice in American entertainment. I can’t fully commit to hating her, because she is one of very few successful South Asians and I look up to her in some ways, but she also only got this far by emulating whiteness and making fun of her own culture.

Her coming-of-age Netflix show features Indian American main character Devi Vishwakumar who is openly embarrassed by her Indian culture and obsessed with reinventing herself to be popular. Devi spends most of the show in a love triangle with Ben, a white guy who belittles Devi’s intelligence despite them being equal in their year for best grades. Not to mention the microaggressions he throws at her, referring to her entirely WOC friend group as the “UN” (unf*ckable nerds), calling her “David” instead of by her name, and saying she has a mustache. All of this is played off as cute banter catering to an enemies-to-lovers romance. This was the first time I got to see someone who looks like me as a lead on a Netflix show and now it’s just something that I hate-watch in the background.

Kaling started on “The Office,” where her character Kelly subverts the smart, obedient Indian girl trope by acting as the popular girl who bullies her fellow female coworkers and is in a toxic relationship with a white guy. The only episode that touches on Indian culture titled “Diwali” crudely refers to the holiday as “Indian Halloween.” In one of Kaling’s new shows “The Sex Lives of College Girls” Bela, the sex-positive South Asian character, gets into a relationship with a white guy who initially didn’t believe her claims of being sexually assaulted because the assaulter was his white friend. Eventually, he chooses to stick up for her, which somehow redeems him enough to qualify as a love interest.

To be a Gen-Z second-generation Asian American is to be overwhelmed. I’m in a constant tug of war to be American enough and Indian enough and the middle ground between the two is completely undefined. Cultural gentrification is happening to the descendants of immigrants growing up in America. We are being infected with whiteness which creates a generational cascade that erases our culture more and more at every step.

Mindy Kaling is the epitome of the bare minimum. She gets away with this by supposedly subverting stereotypes when in reality she creates new ones where brown people should strive for whiteness. The media has so much room for improvement, leaving room for new voices.

No one can tell your story except for you.

Journal for Estella

BY HADLEY URIBE

October 1, 2022

Estella,

My little star. I think about you daily. Your soft hair and your beautiful eyes plague my mind as I go through my days. My sweet baby girl—you are a mother’s dream.

Yesterday, I remembered the letters my mother, your grandmother, wrote for me while she was pregnant with me. I knew my mother loved me, but I couldn’t grasp how she could have so much love and adoration for someone who hadn’t even been born. Now, you’ve allowed me to understand. I can’t imagine loving anything more than I love you. I bought this journal to write to you, so one day you’ll understand how special you are to me.

I heard a song on the oldies radio today and I instantly imagined you. I can’t wait to meet you. Can’t wait to hold your little hands and watch you laugh for the first time. Most days I worry about when that’ll be. I don’t want to wait seven or ten years to meet you. I need the happiness you will bring now, little star. Listen to “Have You Ever Been In Love” by Celine Dion. It’s our song. With Love, Tilly

October 3, 2022

Estella,

You are the life of our family. I like to think you’ll look like your dad. I imagine he has dark hair and dark eyes. He likes literature but only modern novels. Declan? Colin? Bartholomew…? We can’t all have good names.

I like Declan. Declan will say you’re his “Daddy’s Girl,” but you and I will both share a giggle when he says that because we know better.

You will complete me, sweet Estella James.

With Love, Tilly

October 5, 2022

Estella,

I told myself I wouldn’t write to you today, but I need you more than ever now. Today is my dad’s birthday. I always imagined you would call him “Papa” or “Poppy.” This will all probably be confusing for you, as you won’t have a grandpa from my side of the family. I promised myself I wouldn’t let you feel the type of hurt I felt, but I don’t know who else to turn to right now. My mom says I should call him—wish him a “Happy Birthday,” but I can’t. He got rid of any love he had for me to make room for a new kid, new family. How can you love someone after they leave you? I will never leave you, my Stella. You are my shooting star.

Thank you for being my baby.

With Love, Tilly

ART BY YI SHEN WEI IG: @P.PAPPLE_ARTIST

December 6, 2022

Dear Tilly,

I’m worried about you. You come home from school and retreat to your room. I miss you, Tilly. I understand life is hard. I understand you miss your dad—don’t you think I do, too? Writing about the future can be therapeutic for some people, and help them realize that better times are ahead. I thought that’s what this was—you would feel better and then you would stop. This has turned into incessant harmful behavior towards yourself. You have let this fantasy hang over your life like a cloud, ready to rain on anything that could make you happy now.

You’re falling behind in school; you haven’t made plans with friends in over a month. Plato scratches at your door every night and you ignore him. Instead you focus on a person you do not know and will most likely never know.

I am your mother, and losing you this way makes me feel as though I have failed at that. I am sorry that you don’t like your life right now, but I want to remind you that this is your life, not those letters, not that child you have created in your mind. I am your family. So, please, just come out of your room. Eat dinner with your family.

With Love, Mom

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