ARTS&CULTURE
A Star Drawn with My Left Hand rhythms of reality in iu's "celebrity" by nicole kim Illustrated by caroline dai Stepping into the departures terminal at SFO, my suitcase filled with various fermented Korean sauces and clothes I probably wouldn’t be wearing to Zoom University, I felt the same sense of relief wash over me that I’ve always experienced when I fly out to Providence. It had been almost nine months
The music video for the song opens with IU half-
since I last made the trip I usually take around half a
kneeling, half-sitting dramatically on a carpeted floor,
dozen times per year. Even with the knowledge that
her iridescent blue cape billowing out onto the carpet
I was going to be spending most of the semester in an
behind her like a soft, velvety expanse of ocean. There’s
apartment befriending my laptop screen, my desperate
an edge to IU’s voice in this opening sequence, just
brain was soothed by this false pretense of normalcy—
like her. At first glance, she might seem traditionally
/ Can’t you see how beautiful / Spring will be tomorrow?
the streamlined process of traveling from origin to
attractive, with the doll-like features and ethereal long
The video cuts to another IU in a fancy red dress and
destination: following the moving walkway at the airport
hair that is common in the Korean music scene. But then
decadent jewelry as the melody echoes with the familiar
and seeing myself reflected in the blacked-out windows,
IU makes direct eye contact with the camera and smirks
“You’re my celebrity.” I grin into my mug as I watch her
listening to my sister’s playlist whilst sitting by the gate,
into the microphone as she effortlessly hits a high note,
run into the night, away from flashing cameras, sharing
nursing an almond milk latte while waiting for my flight
and you can almost see the bad b*tch energy radiating
in her newfound sense of freedom and selfhood.
at Washington Dulles. The rhythm of movement and
off her (cue swoon).
tension in the song breaks as we return to the chorus one last time, the lyrics slightly altered: “잊지마 이 오랜
겨울 사이/언 틈으로 피울 꽃 하나/보이니 하루 뒤 봄이 얼마나/ 아름다울지 말야.” Don’t forget that through this long winter / A flower can bloom through the frozen cracks
To me, “Celebrity” describes the feeling of being
passing hours felt familiar and comforting. I like flying
The irony of “Celebrity” is that IU, a singer
trapped in our own reality. Whether we’re a famous
because it resembles a break in time, a moment when
whose renowned fans include a horde of popular
musician or a college student, tracing the same patterns
I’m not occupying my life at home or in college. I’m just
artists, is telling the listener/the person the song is
through each day can feel overwhelmingly lonely and
me, moving through the world with nothing really to
addressed to that they are her celebrity—essentially,
suffocating at times—as if we’re an iceberg slowly
do and no one to talk to. It’s a nice feeling, this strange
the celebrity of the ultimate celebrity. The song isn’t
melting away, not really sure what’s happening or if
sense of obscurity.
necessarily romantic, but rather filled with a kind of
anything is changing. Within the landscape of the music
The quiet and independence I experienced
patient, soothing love. Despite the deceivingly upbeat
video, I get the feeling that IU is reassuring herself.
during the nine-ish hours of travel quickly gave way to
instrumentals and high-pitched vocals, “Celebrity”
Telling herself that this “real” you exists, both when you
overwhelming anxiety during my first few days back.
carries a tinge of sadness that I can’t shake off. The
occupy the role of the glamorous celebrity and when
Left to fend for myself after a nine-month retreat from
storyline of the video follows “celebrity” IU as she
you feel distant from it. “Celebrity” reminds us that we
“real life,” I suddenly felt threatened from all sides.
coincidentally runs into her doppelganger, “fan” IU,
can’t escape ourselves, no matter how hard we try. And
Despite the various stressors that came with living
who is sitting at a cafe, looking a little bored as she
that, conversely, we don’t have to, because it is in facing
at home, the semester I spent in California had been
distractedly plays with her coffee. Still reeling from
our fear and doubt that we find freedom from the world
accompanied by a level of seclusion that both eased and
shock, “celebrity” IU attempts to follow “fan” IU, but
around us.
encouraged my anxious mind. While the repetitive cycle
loses her in the crowds of people on the street. She ends
Talking to my therapist this week, I told her that I
of eating, sleeping, and doing schoolwork had cleared a
up returning to her apartment, flopping onto her bed
hadn’t been sleeping well and my appetite was a little
little too much space for worrying about the future, it
defeatedly as she looks out at the Seoul skyline. I can’t
low. “You seem a little depressed,” she observed. “Have
also allowed me to avoid making decisions I now had to
help but think that she looks very lonely.
you been having other symptoms?” Oh, so this is what
face at school. Now, I worried that my pod-mates (both
An echoey hollowness colors the world of the music
I’ve been experiencing, I thought to myself, feeling a
of whom are close friends of mine, but hadn’t really
video. Other than the two IUs and the dancers, the other
cooling sense of relief at this realization, knowing that
known each other previously) would feel uncomfortable
“people” in the video only appear as limbs or faceless
this is something I can sit with and tend to.
with one another. I worried that I had bought too much
bodies, passing IU by on the streets, holding up makeup
There’s only about a month and a half left of spring
spinach and was creating food waste, contributing
brushes to her face, or, at one point, circling around
semester of junior year. Somehow, that makes me feel
to global warming. I worried that I wouldn’t get into
her draped in fairy lights. The effect is eerie, as if IU is
both relieved and disappointed. Maybe I should be
graduate school next year. I worried that I wasn’t doing
living in a dollhouse or musical set where she is the only
making more of this time? Am I spending my energy
or being enough.
sentient being, while everyone else moves around her in
on the right things? Will I regret these decisions? I find
In these first few weeks of fogginess, the digital
a mechanical rhythm. I’m sometimes reminded of how
myself groping around for a sense of agency. And despite
single “Celebrity” by renowned Korean singer-
loneliness can feel like a soft cocoon, when I’m wrapped
desperately wanting a break from everything, I’m also
songwriter Lee Ji-eun, better known by her stage name
up in its intimate, isolating hold and don’t have the
afraid of who and what I’ll be once all of the dust clears
IU, came to me like fresh snow on a winter morning. The
energy to escape. As if I’m sitting by a big window and
and the noise settles. If I don’t have a fancy internship
electro-pop track jump starts with a crisp, bouncy beat
watching the people, cars, and pets pass me by, a little
this summer, without all of the work and business that
and IU’s clear, watery vocals, describing an unspecified
detached. Wanting to join them, but mostly wanting to
pummels me through the school year, what will I do?
individual who is rejected by the world for who they are:
keep sitting there. Towards the end of the video, the two IUs end up
hard and frightening and makes me want to crawl away
At the world’s edge, crookedly shaped, an outsider. As the
side-by-side at the edge of the bed in the aforementioned
from myself into my blankets forever. Maybe this means
lyrics illustrate, this person seems to be out of sync with
apartment. In a ripple of movement, the IU on the right
that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Or I’m just
(celebrity IU? it’s unclear at this point) reaches out to
experiencing imposter syndrome. Nevertheless, I feel
“세상의 모서리 구부정하게 커버린 골칫거리 outsider....” the expectations of those around them: “걸음걸이 옷차림 이어폰 너머 play list 음악까지 다 minor.” The way they
If I’m being honest, sitting with that uncertainty is
touch the IU on the left (fan IU?), just as the IU on the
held because I know that I’m still showing up. Despite
walk, the way they dress, through their earphones their
left sweeps her hair back with her hand. Just before
everything that’s happening and everything that’s
playlist—-even all of their music is minor. Still, to her—
they make contact, fan IU leaves the room. Celebrity
moving too fast, I know that I’m okay and things will
the speaker and/or IU—everything about this person
IU once again rushes after her, but when she turns the
pass, as they always do, because I have myself and people
is perfect and perfectly beautiful. “Celebrity” is a love
corner, the other IU is gone, and she is faced with her
who love me, who know the real me. I’m looking into my
letter to this person and to the listener, reminding us
own reflection.
own reflection, stopping momentarily—at the airport, in
that despite everything we feel and the doubt we harbor, to those who love us, we are already whole.
6 post–
Gingerly, she reaches her fingertips up to the mirror, looking into her own eyes wide with fear. The
the windows I pass on my way to get my COVID test, in my apartment bathroom. Confirming that I’m real.