Issuu on Google+

FREE EVERY WEDNESDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 32 / DECEMBER 26 - JANUARY 1, 2012 / Balking Amid Concerns of Hooliganism Since 2000

P R E D I CT A B LY, OUR P R E DI

FO R

C T IO

NS

2013!

P. 5

URY’S THE MERC

R’S A E Y W E N

Y T R A P E EV

! T S I L MEGA Y T R A P T A E R FI N D A G ! D E E T N A R A U G P. 11

BEST

THE BEST NEWS STORIESS YOU FORGOT ABOUT!!

P.7

THE BEST ANGRY MERCURYY

READERS OF 2012!!

P.3

THE WORST “BEST OFF 2012” LISTS IN TOWN!!

PICK A PAGE


for a full schedule visit WWW.mikETHRAsHERPREsENTs.cOm follow us online at: facebook.com/mikethrasherPresents twitter.com/mikethrasherPdX · www.mysPace.com/mikethrasherPresents 21 AND OvER sHOW!

H A W T H O R N E T H E A T E R

NEXT ADVENTURE

hEAdBAnGEr’s nEW yEAr’s EvE BALL

& THE suiciDE NOTEs

Inform · Outfit · Excite

21 AND OvER sHOW!

Hellion

thIs

Holy Diver 29 HigHway Star

sAT DEc

thIs

sAT

mON DEc

(A trIButE to dIo)

7:30pm doors 21 And ovEr

31

21 AND OvER sHOW!

11

7:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

13 WOE is mE

BAss pLAyEr for joE sAtrIAnI, stEvE vAI And ErIc johnson

& EARTH TO AsHEs mON jAN

TickETs GOiNG fAsT!

TExAs iN july vOlumEs & cAPTuRE THE cROWN

revolver and roCkstar present

21

brotHers of brutalIty

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

5:30pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

26

sAT jAN

i DEclARE WAR AT THE skyliNEs uPON THis DAWNiNG & vERAH fAlls

6:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

CHAOS DRAKE NECK TUBE ONLY $4.99

855-Cas-tIXX X2

BELL BIKE HELMET OUR PRICE $14.99

CTR BALACLAVA LIST $20 SALE $14.99

20

suN jAN

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

fEATuRiNG

kARl DENsON

& yOuNGblOOD HAWkE

TuE jAN

& mARlON AsHER

8

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

1332 W burnsIde st

855-Cas-tIXX X2

pennywise

23

WED jAN

FLOW MERC ATOMIC HATCHET FLOW VENUS LIST $310 LIST $399 LIST $310 OUR PRICE $259 SALE $279 OUR PRICE $259

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

on sALE

fRi

10:00Am 503-224-tIXX

22

fRi fEb

& WARbEAsT

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

8 nW sIXtH avenue

W O N D E R b A l l R O O m

15 LED FLASHLIGHT WITH LASER $6.99 EACH OR 3 FOR $15

23

THE PlOT iN yOu & ObEy THE bRAvE

& THE ATlAs mOTH

BLUNDSTONE BOOTS These pull-on boots are just fantastic. ADULT $149.99 KIDS $89.99

MILWAUKEE VAPOR II SAFETY GLASSES Cuttin’ wood or ridin’ bikes! $1.99 EACH OR 3 FOR $5

WED jAN

uNEARTH

DEviN TOWNsEND PROjEcT

c R y s T A l b A l l R O O m

R O s E l A N D T H E A T E R

OR E

6:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

fRi jAN

1 5 0 7 s e 3 9 t H a v e n u e

PDX

8:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

(A trIButE to dEEp purpLE)

suN jAN

ITASCA WINTER BOOTS Men’s, Women’s, and Kids. OUR PRICE $29.99

mON

(A trIButE to judAs prIEst)

503-224-tIXX

LITTLE GIANT CABLE LOCK 6ft. of security. OUR PRICE $11.99

& juDGEmENT DAy

THu mAR

TECHNINE SPLIT T LIST $170 SALE $99 TREKKING POLES Many brands and styles. STARTING AT $14.99 / PAIR

7

YUKON CHARLIE SNOWSHOE KITS Includes snowshoes, trekking poles, and carry bag! ONLY $59.99

7:30pm doors 21 And ovEr

24

THu jAN

8:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

EVEREST DESIGNS BEANIES $9.99 EACH OR 3 FOR $20

jOHN fullbRiGHT

HYDRO FLASKS Back in stock! $19.99–$27.99

BRING IN YO UR USED -BUTNOT-ABUSE D OUTDOOR GEAR FOR STORE CRED IT!

OUR BARGAIN BASEMENT IS FULL OF USED SKIS, SNOWBOARDS, BOOTS, APPAREL AND MORE! OUTFIT THAT GROWING FAMILY FOR LESS!

877.4.fly.tIX 128 ne russell st

cOmiNG sOON: 2

LAdy stArLIGht · d.r.I. · sABAton · doro · hot WAtEr musIc nomEAnsno · souLfLy · thE WAILErs · thE rEsIdEnts uLI jon roth · G-EAzy · frIGhtEnEd rABBIt · murs · nILE

portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

go to

www.mikethrasherPresents.com for complete details and info on how to get your tickets early

M–F 10 –7, SAT 10 – 6, SUN 11–5 503-233-0706 • 426 SE GRAND • NEX TADVENTURE.NET


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

NOTES lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

[Welcome to the 2012 edition of our annual roundup of the best Mercury letters/comments of the past year! Enjoy the memories, and don’t forget to write to us in 2013!—Eds.]

FECKLESS FRAUD FOAMING RE: “The Creepiest Love Songs of All Time” [Music, Feb 9], which should be self-explanatory. The story you wrote about CREEPY songs is WRONG. Get your facts straight or DON’T write. Silverhills

BRAVE NEW BIRDS DEAREST MERCURY—The seagulls are the greatest recent addition to the city. I don’t care for all the shitbags driving around, acting like their lives are in any way meaningful. When I see a seagull casually plop out a white blob of poop onto the dirt in the Park Blocks, it satisfies me so much to think that all of these atheist-political assholes will complain about having to pay tax dollars to repair the Park Blocks if the rain doesn’t wash it away. Chance

Food

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

PLAIN AS PLACENTA RE: One Day at a Time [April 5], in which author Ann Romano expresses distaste at the notion of January Jones eating capsules of her placenta (not that gross) and Alicia Silverstone chewing up her baby’s food and spitting it in his mouth (hella gross). DEAR MERCURY—Ann feigns shock at the pagan peasant practice of new mothers eating their placentas, a trick learned from observing the smart beasts they once lived among, and passed on to January Jones by her doula. Afterbirth placenta is full of vitamins and minerals that quickly replenish the new mother’s body, not to mention strengthen her up for the next 52 weeks of sleepless baby care. Women who gobble down the internal organs of cows, pigs, and chickens without a qualm, but then go “EEK!” at the notion of ingesting their own post-birth body part, as nature recommends, mirror the frail Victorian lady who gasps and faints at the sight of blood, when everybody knows she sops up her own menstrual fluid every month from age 12 or so, with rags she must wash out and reuse, no pills, tampons, scented undies, etc. Not to mention carrying around another human body inside her body for 10 months, then delivering it in a howling red horror flick scenario sufficient to make not only her, but often her male partner, vomit and/or swoon. This stiletto bitch faux “femininity” grows tiresome, even as a gossipy joke. Scary tough women live smarter, longer, and have more fun. Good show, January and Alicia Silverstone. Barbara Mor

The best Mercury letters of 2012!

DAD HUMOR RE: “Daddy Dearest” [I, Anonymous, March 8], in which the author complains that the mommies of Portland unfairly judge his parenting ability. Finally, an interesting I, Anonymous! Fitting that it’s in an edition celebrating whiny contraceptors, too. Guys like this will soon run the no-plastic-except-to-wrap-myschlong childless aging Portlandia types into the sea, as our grandchildren renege on paying Social Security to their self-indulgent STD-laden selves, leaving them to starve to death as they watch old reruns of West Wing, HAHAHA!!!! posted by NeroFather Haw haw, good one! Except that the extreme left-wing liberal contraceptors won’t be starving to death. They’re too busy running the media, cranking out their LIES about real Americans, drinking lattes in their liberal limousines, coming up with new sex acts and new ways to redefine marriage, having orgasms and catching STDs from using condoms, and composting food scraps like queers, while they’re SUPPOSED to be having children and burning fossil fuels and eating meat and potatoes and apple pie! posted by geyser portlandmercury.com

SYMPHONY GUY: STILL ANGRY

Bagdad TheaTer

Monday, December 31 · New Year's Celebration with

3702 S.e. hawthorne 503-236-9234

Featuring: Jenny Conlee-Drizos & The Paul Brainard Horns! $20 adv · www.jerryjoseph.com

mcmenamins.com

Jerry Joseph AND The

JACKMorMoNs

CRYSTAL

THE

HOTEL & BALLROOM

CRYSTAL BALLROOM McMenaMins and True WesT presenT... New Year’s eve ruN 2012!!

thur and fri dec 27-28 all ages

Abstract Earth presents

RailRoad EaRth

TWO NIGHTS!

Dec 29, 30 & 31

12/29· Tumbleweed Wanderers 12/30· Fruition all ages (12/31 is 21+)

BEATS ANTIQUE

80s VIDEO DANCE ATTACK

Mardis Gras Party!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28 8 PM $5 21+OVER

WITH VJ KITTYROX

LOLA'S ROOM fri jan 11 all ages

RE: Music Listings [May 17]. DEAR MERCURY SHIT-FOR-BRAINS— Really?! Our brilliant Oregon SymphoContinued on pg. 9

COVER PHOTO:

Floater Tiny Lady

Dr. theopolis tue feb 12 21 & over

(feat. members of danava & Witch Mountain)

90s danCe flashBaCk-lOla's 12/29 happy hOur w/ flOating pOinte-ringlers 1/18 80s weekend: 80s VideO danCe attaCk 1/19 80s weekend: last ChanCe winter danCe w/ radiCal reVOlutiOn 1/20 slightly stOOpid 1/25 sChOOl Of rOCk: Best Of pOrtland 2 1/27 Crystal Birthday w/ hOt Buttered rum 2/6 ellie gOulding 2/8 super diamOnd 2/16 leftOVer salmOn 2/21 sOund triBe seCtOr 9 2/23 galaCtiC 2/27 fade tO ligh 3/1 mOe. 3/2 alaBama shakes 3/15 Big head tOdd & the mOnsters 3/20 fun. 3/21 jOsh ritter 3/22 geOrge ClintOn 3/23 reBelutiOn · j BOOg · hOt rain 4/7 the airBOrne tOxiC eVent 4/25 lOCal natiVes 4/28 dawes/dr dOg

12/29

COVER ART:

danceonair.com

Be first iN! David Wien davidwien.com

115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Por tland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • info@portlandmercury.com

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Wm. Steven Humphrey

INTERNS Kathleen Marie-Barnett, Rose Finn, Cara Mico,

MANAGING EDITOR Marjorie Skinner

Cheyenne Sophia Ruth

NEWS Denis C. Theriault, Sarah Mirk

DIRECTOR OF CIRCULATION Jay Williams

SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann

SALES DIRECTOR Rob Thompson

ARTS/WEB EDITOR Alison Hallett FOOD Chris Onstad

SALES COORDINATOR Tonya Ray

COPY CHIEF Courtney Ferguson CALENDAR Bobby Roberts

DIGITAL SALES MANAGER James Deeley

PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Davis

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Sarah Elliott, Katie Peifer, Marissa Sullivan

SENIOR DESIGNER Nick Olmstead

ALTPERKS OPERATIONS MANAGER Michelle David

AD DESIGNER Nami Bigos

OFFICE MANAGER Noah Dunham GENERAL MANAGER Katie Lake

ART DIRECTOR Justin “Scrappers” Morrison

PUBLISHER Rob Crocker

AL’S DEn at CRYSTAL

HOTEL

Early entrance to Crystal shows with any pre-show purchase from Zeus Café, Ringlers Pub, Al's Den or Ringlers Annex

FREE LIVE MUSIC nIghtLy · 7 PM 12/27-29

RedWOOd sON

12/30-1/5

MATT BROWN

ED FoRMAn Show - lATe-NighT TAlk shOW Mix Of cOMedy, Music, ANd iNTeRvieWs – ThuRsdAys ThRu sATuRdAys AT 10:30PM

Ballroom: 1332 W. Burnside · (503) 225-0047 · Hotel: 303 S.W. 12th Ave · (503) 972-2670 mcmenamins.com

CASCADE TICKETS

cascadetickets.com 1-855-CAS-TIXX Outlets: Crystal BallrOOm BOx OffiCe, Bagdad theater, edgefield, east 19th st. Café (eugene)

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com

3


MIND-BLOWING MELDING OF HIP-HOP AND CLASSICAL FROM ONE WOMAN POWERHOUSE

EMILY WELLS THURSDAY!

AN EVENING OF SOULFUL R&B AND ELECTROPOP

REVA

FRIDAY!

DEVITO

RADIATION

NATASHA KMETO +DJ K MARIE

FRIDAY DECEMBER 28

CITY

2

$8 ADVANCE

$12 ADVANCE

DOUG FIR PRESENTS THE ANNUAL NYE BLOWOUT

Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room

THE RETURN OF THE POST-NYE REBOOT WITH

& THE NORWAY RATS

SATURDAY DECEMBER 29

MAKE IT A NIGHT

$10 ADVANCE

CASEY NEILL

830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

SASSPARILLA

SATURDAY JANUARY 5

RESOLUTIONS

Stop smoking

+ANCIENT HEAT

SUNDAY DECEMBER 30

2013

+BURN THE STAGE

$12 ADVANCE

A SPECIAL EVENING WITH PDX’S REIGNING BEST NEW BAND

SUPERSUCKERS SATURDAY!

+TIMMY STRAW

THURSDAY DECEMBER 27

A PRE-NYE EVENING WITH THE “GREATEST ROCK N’ ROLL BAND IN THE WORLD”

Lose 15 lbs

+MCDOUGALL

$12 ADVANCE

AN INTIMATE AND ACOUSTIC EVENING WITH

AUGUSTANA

BACARDI PRESENTS THE “BACK TO BASICS” SERIES HOVERCRAFT RECORDS SHOWCASE

CLOROX GIRLS SUICIDE NOTES BOOM! COURTNEY AND THE CRUSHERS GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH +HEY LOVER

+LAUREN SHERA

$15 ADVANCE

MONDAY DECEMBER 31 •

$22 ADVANCE

A ROCKSTRAVAGANZA ALBUM RELEASE WITH

(ACOUSTIC)

TUESDAY JANUARY 8

+ THE MINUS FIVE

THURSDAY JANUARY 10

CROWN POINT

Shoot 1080p or higher

$5 ADVANCE

HAUNTING GOTH-FOLK FROM LA SINGER/SONGWRITER

SOUL-SONIC INDIE ROCK FROM SF

GEOGRAPHER

CHELSEA WOLFE

WESTERN AERIAL +THREEBIT BOURBON

FRIDAY JANUARY 11

$8 ADVANCE

AN EVENING OF SULTRY SMOOTHNESS FROM PDX

SHY GIRLS SATURDAY JANUARY 12

+ON AN ON

$10 ADVANCE

Classes start Jan 14

+KING DUDE

SUNDAY JANUARY 13

LO-FI FOLK ROCK FROM BAY AREA DUO

$12 ADVANCE

BUZZWORTHY SYNTHPOP FROM SWEDEN

NIKI & THE DOVE

TWO GALLANTS

+FUTURE TWIN

SATURDAY JANUARY 19

$15 ADVANCE

+VACATIONER

THURSDAY JANUARY 24

Clarify your new year resolutions this winter.

$13 ADVANCE

FRIDAY JANUARY 18

DE LA WARR +MAGIC FADES

$8 ADVANCE

OM 2/9 North Mississippi Allstars 2/12 Ramona Falls 3/1 Divers + Broncho 3/4 Hillstomp 3/15 + 3/16 Lianne La Havas 3/25 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

Before you commit join us for SATURDAY WORKSHOPS

Jan 5—Only $10

KRIS ORLOWSKI 1/25 • TRISTAN PRETTYMAN 1/26 • WILLY MASON 1/27 • BUILT TO SPILL 1/31 & 2/1 • EMELI SANDE 2/2 ADAM GREEN & BINKI SHAPIRO 2/4 • BENJAMIN FRANCIS LEFTWICH 2/6 • MARCO BENEVENTO 2/8 • OM 2/9 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

nwfilm.org/school 4 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


Gossip

News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

ONE DAY

Food

at a time THE YEAR IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

I

T’S T I M E A G A I N to fill our martini glass with the cheapest gin imaginable and release our nominations for the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012 Ever! Last year it was malodorous gargoyle Kim Kardashian—who will top the list in 2012? Here are the top nine nominees… with the absolute worst person in the world for 2012 (ever) getting their own column next week! ENJOY! (Grimace.)—Ann

#10 “WORST PERSON”: SNOOKI FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3 This weekend on Jersey Shore, America’s creepy little living troll doll, Snooki, had a teeny accident. As thesuperficial.com noted in its Pulitzer-worthy coverage of the momentous episode, Snooks “just literally starts peeing all over the dance floor of a club before going to the ladies’ room and spraying her hooch with perfume before anyone can figure out it was her.” You still with us, dears? Good because there’s more, and we can’t deal with it all on our own: “It’s almost impressive how quickly she moves,” the Superficial adds, “until you realize she’s done this before and left God knows how many victims in her piss-wake.” MEANWHILE... “FINALLY!” said Fergie. “Finally, another D-list celebrity has an ‘accident’ in public! Now will you shameless gossipmongers please stop making fun of me for peeing my pants onstage in 2009? Will you? Will you?!” (Confidential to “F”: No. Never forget.)

#9 “WORST PERSON”: GWYNETH PALTROW THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 According to InStyle magazine, the worst person in the world (other than Kim Kardashian) Gwyneth Paltrow only lets her children watch TV if it’s in “French or Spanish.” Because she’s the worst person in the world (other than, of course, Kim Kardashian).

#8 “WORST PERSON”: LINDSAY LOHAN WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22 And now it’s time for the “Lindsay Lohan Legal Tip of the Day.” TMZ tells us that LiLo is being seriously eyeballed by police for an incident that went down this past weekend at a posh Hollywood Hills party in which the owner was robbed of “several expensive watches and sunglasses”—and of course, Lindsay’s pals are the primary suspects! The owner of the multi-million dollar mansion who was tossing the all-night soiree invited Lindsay, who in turn brought along brother Cody, her assistant, and the two allegedly skeevy suspects. Lindsay and crew were leaving the party around noon the next day (!!), when the owner suddenly discovered he’d been robbed, and told everyone to stay until the police arrived. Now—here comes the legal advice to which everyone should always adhere: When the cops began to question Lindsay about the stolen articles, she replied, “Am I a suspect?” When the cops answered, “no,” Lindsay bid them both a good day and hopped on the next flight out of state. NICE. (Don’t be shocked! When you get into as much trouble as Lindsay, you learn a thing or two about the law.)

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.” Upon hearing this apology, a long-time Twilight fan hopped on Twatter to issue her statement. “EFF YOU KRISTEN...HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ROB...all he’s done was love you and you cheat on him AAAANNNNDDDDD YOUVE BEEN LYING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG AT EVENTS AND SHIT and when it looked like you and rob were finally showing some PDA, it was a lie because you had cheated so THANKS.” So say we all, anonymous Twihard twatterer. So say we all.

#6 “WORST PERSON”: ASHTON KUTCHER THURSDAY, MARCH 22 We’ve got some good and bad and more bad Ashton Kutcher news—which would you like to hear first? Okay, here’s THE BAD: According to today’s New York Daily News, gorgeous—but c’mon, let’s say it—dumb pop starlet Rihanna (who can’t seem to stay away from her former abuser Chris Brown) was spotted taking a late-night stroll into Ashton Kutcher’s Hollywood home (digest that. Now let’s continue.), where she stayed for four hours before finally slinking out at 4 am. Girl? We don’t even. THE GOOD: Ashton Kutcher is going to be flung into outer space! Too bad there’s THE MORE BAD: He’s actually paying $200,000 for a ride on Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo rocket plane, which is scheduled to carry him and other celebs for a joyride into outer space as soon as 2013. And... wait. This just in… MORE GOOD NEWS: “Don’t you worry, Ann,” said a sinister-sounding Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, gleefully rubbing his tentacles together. “I’ve got this one.” TUESDAY, JUNE 26 The incessant rumors about a possible (ugh!) romantic relationship between the beautiful Mila Kunis and the douchebaggish Ashton Kutcher simply won’t stop. We reported on their three-day getaway outside of LA, this past spring—however, as of last week the pair has been spotted grabbing frozen yogurt as well as zooming about on his motorized douchebike, while this past weekend they were caught sharing a romantic bite to eat at LA’s intimate Giorgio Baldi restaurant. “[Ashton] looked really into her,” said a gabby eyewitness to this horrible spectacle. “He didn’t take his eyes off her once!” BLECHH!! Quick, Mila! Go take one of those Silkwood showers!

#5 “WORST PERSON”: DONALD TRUMP TUESDAY, MAY 29 CNN’S Wolf Blitzer and “Mayor of Idiot Town” Donald Trump got into a hilarious televised slapfight today over the billionaire’s birther beliefs. After Trump repeatedly asserted his dumbshit theory that President Obama wasn’t born in this country, Wolf responded, “Donald, you’re beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.” This caused Donald to shoot back, “No, I think YOU sound ridiculous”—at which point Trump’s toupee flipped up in the air, and a little bird wearing an “Uncle Sam” outfit popped out of his head, squawking, “I think this entire discussion is ridiculous.” Upon witnessing this, the Republican Party immediately dropped their nomination of Mitt Romney, and threw all their support behind “Uncle Sam the Bird Living inside Donald Trump’s Head.”

#4 “WORST PERSON”: NICOLE SCHERZINGER

#7 “WORST PERSON”: KRISTEN STEWART

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31 The second worst ugly monster bitch in the world (that would be Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and judge for the terrible reality contest The X Factor) has been FIRED. According to the Hollywood Reporter, producers of The X Factor rightly recognized that Nicole had all the personality of an infected hangnail, and gave her the boot (along with host Steve Jones, and co-judge/funnier-when-shewas-high-on-pills Paula Abdul). Wheeeeeeeee!!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 25 Us Weekly has obtained photos of Twilight’s 22-year-old Kristen Stewart—romantically involved for years with co-star/glitter-skinned vampire Robert Pattinson—steamily making out with her 41-year-old Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders... who just so happens to be MARRIED. Oooooooh!! And also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Realizing she was stone-cold busted, Kristen issued a quick public apology: “I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31 The headline from Us says it all: “Kim Kardashian Dyes Her Hair!” According to the monster’s Twatter feed that included a picture of the new ’do, “I dyed my hair lighter yesterday! I’m loving it! New hair color = new beginnings for me. You like?” First of all Kim, thank you for notifying us that you dyed your hair—otherwise we might have wondered, “Who’s that ugly monster bitch with light hair that looks like that other ugly monster bitch Kim Kardashian?”

#3 “WORST PERSON: KIM KARDASHIAN

Portland Mercury’s Predictions for 2013! 100 PERCENT ACCURATE-ISH!

P

REDICTION! Coming soon we’ll vote on whether we should add fluoride to the city’s water supply—inspiring anti-fluoride protesters to push for more of their own municipal pet projects: renaming the Morrison Bridge, “9/11 Was an Inside Job Bridge.” Making Portland a “Chemtrail-Free Zone” (thereby reducing bio warfare, population control, and weather tampering). Also: replacing the city’s water supply with kombucha. PREDICTION! The Portland Police union will stop defending “bad-apple cops” who unjustly shoot or Taser citizens. Their new contract will also state that offending officers will also no longer receive free appetizers at Fuddruckers, 50 percent off outerwear from Burlington Coat Factory, or regular soapy handjobs from “Candy” the police union prostitute. PREDICTION! Due to rising production costs, the creators of Portlandia will outsource their show to Canada, renaming it Canadia— which everyone agrees is a funnier idea anyway. PREDICTION! Thanks to the legalization of same-sex marriage and marijuana, the city of Vancouver, Washington, will be declared by the New York Times as “infinitely way cooler” than Portland. This will inspire a mass exodus to Vancouver, jamming the northbound lanes of I-5 with Priuses, Car2Gos, food carts towed by bikes, and thousands of indie rock bands just arriving from Lincoln, Nebraska. Horrified by this invasion, redneck pickup-driving Vancouverites will migrate south, buying up all the craftsman houses, ripping out the antique fixtures and replacing them with stuff from the Jantzen Beach Home Depot. In a matter of months, every hip new Portland restaurant will be an Arby’s, “mom jeans” will be worn unironically, and Mayor Charlie Hales will be forced to move to Portland so he can continue to pay out-of-state taxes. (Last one to leave: Please shut off the light… and don’t forget your compost bucket!)

Secondly, your hair looks like shit. Thirdly, next time try dying your soul. Fourthly, and on second thought, just die. SATURDAY, APRIL 7 What sounds like a painfully unfunny Saturday Night Live sketch continues to be an actual, painfully real occurrence, with TMZ now closely examining Kim Kardashian’s filthy neck for evidence of Kanye West nibbles. (Ugh. We just typed the words “Kanye nibbles.” UGH! We just did it again! KIP! PURELL, STAT!) “Psoriasis, shmoriasis,” the gossip site brays. “TMZ has uncovered THE TRUTH about the suspicious mark on Kim Kardashian’s neck... and it definitely originated from Kanye West’s mouth.” The correct response to this, dears, is, VOM.

#2 “WORST PERSON”: RUSH LIMBAUGH FRIDAY, MARCH 2 Breaking news: Rush Limbaugh is a misogynistic prick. Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke recently spoke out about her campaign for contraception coverage at her Jesuit school, which naturally inspired Limbaugh to call her a “slut” and a “prostitute.” “She’s having so much sex she’s going broke buying contraceptives and wants us to buy them,” Limbaugh shouted. And: “She’s having so much sex, she can’t afford it.” And: “She’s having so much sex it’s amazing she can walk.” We’ll stop there, because fuck you, Limbaugh. ON THE UPSIDE... Limbaugh’s comments might take him off the air, as droves of advertisers pulled their ads, and conservatives like House Speaker John Boehner and Rick Santorum called Limbaugh’s remarks “inappropriate” and “absurd.” In response to the blowback, Limbaugh grudgingly posted an online crappy little “apology.” “In the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir,” Limbaugh bragged. “I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.” Hey Rush, take it from someone else you’d probably call an immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman: You deserve every misery you have coming to you, you hateful sack of Oxy-addicted shit. And our #1 WORST PERSON of 2012? Tune in next week to find out! Mwaaah!!—Ann

THIS WEEK ON Portlandmercury.com Blogtown

OUR WEB EXCLUSIVE REVIEW OF PROMISED LAND THURSDAY!

Shopping

50% OFF OUTDOOR GEAR! MERCPERKS.COM

Tweet

SET YOUR TWEET MACHINE TO “FOLLOW.” @PORTLANDMERCURY December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com

5


Monday 12/31

NEW YEARS EVE:

ON SALE NOW

2012 MUSIC YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

The Hand That Bleeds,

Rllrbll,

Fist Fite, The Rotties open 10:30am - 2:30 am daily 2025 N. Kilpatrick St. 503-285-3718

CODY CHESNUTT Landing On A Hundred

DAN DEACON America

ALT-J An Awesome Wave

$10.95-cd

$11.95-cd/$16.95-lp

$11.95-cd/$17.95-lp

NENEH CHERRY & THE THING The Cherry Thing

IRIS DEMENT Sing The Delta

TY SEGALL Twins

$13.95-cd/$14.95-lp

$13.95-cd/$19.95-2xlp

$12.95-cd/$17.95-lp

Sale prices good thru 1/6/13

RS EVYE A E Y W E OPENNENW YEAR’S DA & DOWNTOWN s 1313 W. Burnside s 503.274.0961 EASTSIDE s 1931 NE Sandy Blvd. s 503.239.7610 BEAVERTON s 3290 SW Cedar Hills Blvd. s 503.350.0907 FOR ANY & ALL USED CDs, DVDs & VINYL OPEN EVERYDAY AT 9A.M. | WWW.EVERYDAYMUSIC.COM

This is a classic piece of Sailor Jerry flash, unmatched in its attention to detail. (Check all the rigging. They’re correct down to the last sheet bend.) Consisting of a schooner ship–usually a memento of a successful trip around Cape Horn– surrounded by two sweetheart-style mermaids and balanced by two flags, this design harkens back to a time when “ships were made of wood and the men were made of iron!” find out more at sailorjerry.com

and facebook.com/officialsailorjerry RESPECT HIS LEGACY. DRINK SAILOR JERRY RESPONSIBLY.

6

portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

©2011 Sailor Jerry Rum, 46% Alc./Vol. William Grant & Sons, Inc. New York, NY.

MERMAIDS


Gossip

News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

Set It and Forget It! The 2012 Stories We’re Probably Jerks for Reminding You About by Denis C. Theriault and Sarah Mirk

S

ORRY, LOSERS! The world didn’t end in 2012 like a lot of you might have hoped—unless, that

is, your name is Charlie Hales. And by “world” you mean a cushy life in the private sector where no one hollers at you over sewer rates and $25 million deficits and police shootings. But that doesn’t mean 2012 was any less crazy. We wept over tragic deaths at home but mostly ignored them in places like Syria and Palestine. We kept around Barack and Amanda, watched Jefferson Smith implode and Eileen Brady float away, and awkwardly waved goodbye to Sam. And Portland found itself branded with the letter “F”: fluoride, the fight over Ron Frashour, and federal action against our police bureau. We’d tell you more, but that’s all you’re going to be reading this week. So why bother? Instead, enjoy our patented version of a New Year’s roundup, the one with all the stories you've already forgotten. Lucky you! Now you get to forget them all over again. EXPOSING THE TSA: Portland business traveler John Brennan got fed up with airport security’s increasing invasion of privacy and decided to show he had absolutely nothing to hide. When Portland’s Transportation Security Administration agents pulled Brennan aside for “additional screening” in April, Brennan began stripping off his clothes until he stood bare-ass naked in the security line. A county judge upheld Brennan’s act as a legitimate protest in July, clearing him of indecent exposure charges because he was engaged in “symbolic nudity.” POLICE BURN YOUR POT: In the good old days of 2011, if police confiscated your medical marijuana in connection to a crime (like, say, cops searched your house because your roommate robbed a Plaid Pantry) you could put in a request to have your Oregon-legal weed returned. But a little-noticed rules change from Attorney General John Kroger last January directed Oregon police to follow federal law and incinerate all confiscated pot. Now it all goes up in smoke. OLCC 2, AMANDA FRITZ 0: Portland doesn’t have an Office of Temperance, but if it did? City Commissioner Amanda Fritz would be its Eliot Ness. In March, Fritz picked a fight with the Oregon Liquor Control Commission (OLCC), trying to stop it from handing a liquor license, for the first time, to a food cart pod. The OLCC did it anyway and Fritz got the city to sue. But in the meantime? That beer-slinging cart pod, Cartlandia on SE 82nd, has been the picture of decency—hardly the open sore of alcoholism Fritz worried about. Meanwhile, over the summer, Fritz got some more bad news from the OLCC: Her much-hyped plan to ban malt liquor, tallboy, and fortified wine sales downtown had fallen apart over a legal technicality. Turns out the OLCC also knows some lawyers. OF BONDAGE AND BEEF HEARTS: Portland played some shitty, if newsworthy, pranks this Valentine’s Day. First, there were the North Portland lovers who thought it would be hot (and maybe it kind of was) to drive around a New Seasons parking lot with the woman naked, bound, and duct-taped in the backseat—scaring the shit out of shoppers and drawing an army of cops. Then there was the poor couple in Northwest who walked out to check the mail the next day only to find a grisly ol’ cow’s heart all dead and glistening on their doorstep. It was another juicy mystery for the law—until a woman called up and said she’d meant to deliver the heart (a “joke gift”) to a different address. BOB CALDWELL, RIP: Oregon journalists, business leaders, and politicians all found themselves somberly genuflecting when the Oregonian reported, one weekend in March, that its longtime opinion editor, Bob Caldwell, had died of a heart attack in his car. And then they all ran for the hills, because a few days later, the Oregonian had to take back that story in a highly embarrassing reversal. Caldwell, the paper eventually reported, had checked out in the apartment of a 23-year-old prostitute. The first, sanitized story came from a Caldwell family friend who also worked as an editor at the paper. She was fired, adding another weird twist in a story that briefly became national news.

TV

Fun

THE (FACE-)SIT/LIE(-NAKED) ZONE: Summer was a boom time for people sleeping on the sidewalks outside city hall, drawn at first by a (still-going) prayer vigil and camping protest and then by activist Cameron Whitten’s month-plus hunger strike. City hall was cool with it—for a little while. Until a warning went out: “No one should be having sex on the sidewalk; it is a violation of Oregon law.” Asked bluntly if people really were doing it on the sidewalks, the mayor’s spokeswoman deadpanned, “Everything is on there for a reason.” THIEF STEALS GUNS FROM MOVIE MADNESS: Oh man, remember when a dude pretended to rent a video from SE Belmont’s Movie Madness but then actually busted into the store’s beloved movie prop display cabinets and made off with a shotgun and a rifle once used

SARAH MIRK

JEFF SHERIDAN

WILDER SCHMALTZ

NATE MILLER

ALEX CHIU

BIKE BOXES AREN’T ALWAYS SAFE: Portland’s years-long experiment in cutting traffic crashes by painting green “bike boxes” at dangerous intersections has resulted in depressingly mixed results. While the bike boxes have cut the right-hook crashes they set out to reduce, crashes at intersections citywide with bike boxes have doubled in the past four years. Now the city faces a tricky situation: how to fix those bike box intersections to make them truly safe. CITY HALL’S KALE-LOVIN’ CAT: Why Hungry the Cat wasn’t a national sensation is anyone’s guess. The adorable, fluffy cat took up residence at Portland City Hall this summer as homeless hunger strikers staged a weeks-long protest on the sidewalk outside. While hunger striker Cameron Whitten subsisted only on juice and vitamins, the cat dubbed Hungry was kept well fed with dry food. She spent much of her time playing in the kale garden that abuts city hall’s front steps. STUDENT LOANS ARE THE NEW CREDIT CARDS: One of the biggest scandals of the year should have been that Americans now have more student loan debt than credit card debt. But Hulk Hogan’s sex tape snagged more headlines than this economic travesty. Portlanders protested the rising cost of college tuition and falling government support for affordable student loans last June in Pioneer Courthouse Square, beating pots and pans.

SARAH MIRK

by John Wayne? Yeah, we forgot, too. But that was ridiculous. DOWNTOWN BEACH LIVIN’: Portland tends to forget that it has a river in the middle of it, and that the river is actually a great place to swim. The organizers of summer swim-the-Willamette event the Big Float pitched an idea that hopefully the city will remember next year: Turning the river banks near the west end of the Hawthorne Bridge into an inviting, sandy beach. NOT IN MY PARKING LOT: The rollout of the Portland Housing Bureau’s “overnight sleeping” program—essentially letting homeless Portlanders camp semi-legally in church or nonprofit parking lots—was supposed to happen quietly. No fuss. No headlines. No spotlight. That plan pretty much blew up, however, when blindsided neighbors of the program’s first host, Moreland Presbyterian Church, FREAKED OUT and started sending supercharged emails to city hall laden with stories of rape, robbery, and other stereotypical ugliness. It almost killed the program, and it was a reminder of how little some people know about the real nature of homelessness in Portland. FREE RAIL ZONE, RIP: Riding the MAX downtown used to be free. That was a very good thing for poor people, the elderly, commuters, and tourists. Then TriMet got into a pissing match with its operators’ union and decided to spend a lot of money on projects like the streetcar and a new

line to Milwaukie. And now that very good thing has gone away. ALL HAIL!: It sucks, sometimes, having to take a cab in this town. They’re hard to find in the wild, and when you call for one, you find yourself waiting in the cold like a shivering dummy. Thankfully, in November, Portland City Council actually decided to let more taxis into the game. A new co-op, Union Cab, won the right to 50 new permits—the first such expansion in the city in more than a decade. SHOT ON THE STREET: The morning after Mardi Gras, Portland woke to the terrible news that two men sleeping on SE Belmont beneath the Morrison Bridge, Carter “Joe” Hickman and Albert “Allen” Dean, had nearly been killed in a drive-by shooting. The men, who are partners, spent weeks in the hospital. Police eventually released security camera footage of the car used in the shooting, but no answers ever emerged in a story seen as a wakeup call about the fragile line between life and death for homeless people. Later in the spring, Street Roots and Multnomah County put out the first-ever snapshot of that harshness: In 2011, their report found, 47 people in Multnomah County died while homeless. PARKING-FREE BUILDINGS ARE OKAY: Neighbors brewed up a massive hubbub over a spate of new buildings going up in central Portland with little or no parking attached, like the ecoFLATS on N Williams and NE MLK’s Shaver Green Building. City code doesn’t require parking for high-density projects built near transit, and NIMBYs ruled the headlines, complaining that the new condo and apartment residents still own cars and eat up all available on-street parking. A study of the building boom’s impact should have put minds to rest: The report found that while most residents of new low-or-no parking buildings own cars, half of nearby on-street parking spots are unfilled during peak weekday hours. PORTLAND: TERRIBLE FOR YOUTH RETIREMENT: The entire country knows the joke about Portland: It’s where young people go to retire. Two Portland State University researchers dug into the economic data to find whether the “Portlandia hypothesis” has merit. Researchers Greg Schrock and Jason Jurjevich found that, on the contrary, Portland is the place where young people are underemployed and underpaid. The city has the highest underemployment rate of any major city in the country among young people. There’s not really a punchline in the data. Just tears. NOT FORGOTTEN: In a year that’s seen police bureau commanders tolerate a federal crackdown on our cops’ treatment of the mentally ill, a mayor who made it his mission to keep from reinstating the cop who killed Aaron Campbell, and a pugnacious police union president dealing out low blows (and campaign checks), it’s worth remembering something just as important: the names of the men involved in police shootings this year. In chronological order, through mid-December: Bradley Lee Morgan (killed), Adalberto Flores-Haro, Jonah Potter, an unidentified 17-year-old boy, Billy Wayne Simms (killed), Michael Tate, and Joshua Baker. HARDLY A SHOCKER: Reining in some Portland cops’ excessive Taser use looms large in the federal police reform package now working its way through the courts. But community members, well before the feds issued their findings, were already sending strong messages about the need for change. The city’s Citizen Review Committee, which probes police policy and hears appeals in misconduct cases, wrote a report asking cops to use their Tasers less often. And twice this year juries awarded large settlements to men who were dog-piled and Tasered. Dan Halsted agreed to collect $258,000 from the city in the spring. And just this month, Gallagher Smith was given $306,000. THE END OF THE WORLD: Oh … wait… sigh. Fucking Mayans.

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com

7


8

portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

NOTES lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

Continued from pg. 3 ny crams close to 90 musicians onto the Schnitzer stage for their final blowout concert of the classical season, but you can’t be bothered to bestow one of your measly little recommendation stars on the event? I swear to fucking god I am never reading your socalled newspaper again. Brian Horay, Angry Symphony Guy

OMG SO GOOD RE: The @endhits Twitter feed, your portal to the Mercury’s music blog—the bestest music blog in Portland—and more!

Food

Film

Sex

MUSIC EDITOR NED LANNAMANN RESPONDS: No. Thanks for following!

INDIANA FAIL RE: My, What a Busy Week! [July 5], in which we accompanied our endorsement of a screening of Raiders of the Lost Ark with a still from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, also repeated on Blogtown on Monday, July 9, the night of the screening in question. If you were wondering if you could get away with that—apparently you can’t. WHOA MERCURY, WTF?—Do you think us rubes? Do you believe us to be so benighted a readership that we can’t differentiate separate works of great art? Look at the man’s own stunned look, tossed into My, What a Busy Week! ostensibly promoting Raiders of the Lost Ark, with his shirt clearly half Bruce Springsteened from Temple of Doom. Why not just plop in a crystal skull? Because, hey, who fucking cares—it’s only Indiana Jones, right? Colton Hicks

DIRTY RE: “Dog Water” [I, Anonymous, July 12], in which an anonymous author rails on the practice of allowing dogs to drink from public water fountains. DEAR DOG WATER—To help ensure the safety of your child’s water, I wanted to include other things that have come in contact with the water fountain: ƒ Run-off rain ƒ Pigeons ƒ Nasty pigeon poop ƒ People with STDs/prostitutes ƒ Other people in general ƒ Other people’s kids who eat sand, pocket portlandmercury.com

Fun

change, and anything/everything that’s on the floor ƒ Urination from drunken people ƒ Alcohol ƒ Old beverages that are being disposed of For future cleanliness, I would suggest bringing a bottle of water. While you’re at it, you probably shouldn’t have your child play on the playground, play in the downtown fountains, have friends, eat un-organic food, or ever swim in a public pool. Always watch them sleep. Also, I sincerely doubt you have any pets (unless you count the stick up your ass). Concerned for Your Child’s Welfare

WE KNOW WORDS RE: “True Tales of TriMet Terror” [Feature, Aug 9] and “Great Gobbledigook” [Music, Aug 9], a purposefully facetious Sigur Rós article. The other one was totally straight-faced.

“Get your facts straight or DON’T write.”

DEAR MERCURY—You know, I sometimes really love reading your End Hits tweets. And then there are the inconcert tweets, which are just so fucking awful. “This band is so good.” “This band is SO good.” “No one on earth understands how fucking good this band is.” We got it the first 15 times: You love the fucking band. So could you please just split those off into a separate feed? Peter

TV

DEAR MERCURY—Twice in one issue the word “inchoate” pops up? That shit flies off the page like a kitten in a catapult. Don’t let it happen again, showoffs. p. royale

ALBANIAN SUNSET

RE: “So I Saw The Expendables 2 for You Guys” [Blogtown, Aug 20], in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen briefly contends that there are no sunsets in Albania. REALLY? They don’t have sunsets in Albania? That’s weird because it is a country that’s right in the Mediterranean—for those who DON’T KNOW—smack in the middle of Southeastern Europe with the most amazing sunsets at sea, mountain, lake, rivers. It might have been a VERY poor country—what do you expect after living 50 years under a communist tyranny? They have done the best they could, trying to learn everything from the beginning. Think of it this way: Albania was revived after being 50 years in a coma, and has to learn everything as a newborn, so don’t go making fun of Albanians and Albania. It is a shame that it is being used as the backdrop for a lot of crime-infested movies, the least you could do is [not] slander the populace and the God-given sunsets. posted by Rezarta Dyryzi-Zotaj

BEARDS, BURNSIDE, BOOBS

NEW YEAR’S EVE CRUISEon the Portland Spirit

RE: “‘Beards for Breasts’ Photoshoot Leads to Standoff on Burnside Bridge” [Blogtown, Aug 29], regarding a bizarre episode in which police shut down the Burnside Bridge after receiving a report of a group of bearded men with an assault rifle. It turned out to be a photoshoot for a calendar raising money for breast cancer research.

DECEMBER 31; 10PM-1AM LIVE MUSIC EVER-CHANGING SCENERY RING IN THE NEW YEAR IN STYLE

Thirteen guys with beards got into trouble? The last time that happened, Leonardo da Vinci got a painting out of it. posted by Todd Mecklem

THE SICK AND ELDERLY MERC—Perry Mason no longer airs at noon. I was instead subjected to Rachael Ray on my sick day. Please send a journalist to KPTV and find out who is responsible for this sacrilege posthaste. Doug Young

115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Portland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • info@portlandmercury.com

Let’s Celebrate

Lunch - Brunch - Dinner - Sightseeing Local family owned since 1994

Portland Spirit River Cruiseswww.portlandspirit.com December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com

9


BENEATH THE HISTORIC

RIALTO POOL ROOM

4th & Alder Downtown Portland www.rialtopoolroom.com 503-228-7605

12/29Alamo Bowl Party @5; Lovejoy NW Doors Tribute @9 12/31NYE Time Machine no cover @9 1/1Free pool and Happy Hour all day!

529 SW 4th Ave.

Rx Glasses

$125

I

Dedicated to donating 100% of profits to animal rescue and adoption.

fetcheyewear.com

Shandong www.shandongportland.com

10 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


Gossip

News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

a toilet sans toilet plunger (nota bene, the mess was not my making).

e h T

Best

Lost Lander, Aan, Dana Buoy

l l Bar ps o D

BEN MOON

Backspace, 115 NW 5th, 8 pm, $12, all ages One of Portland’s only all-ages New Year’s Eve celebrations has a dark cloud hanging over it: The cherished Backspace venue—one of the only remaining all-ages venues in town—will be evicted on January 1, 2013, unless it can raise $10,000 by year’s end. For more info on that, visit indiegogo.com/savebackspace, but meanwhile, Lost Lander’s Matt Sheehy tells us about the night’s festivities (which hopefully won’t be Backspace’s final hurrah). What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? MATT SHEEHY: The great thing about Backspace is that it’s an all-ages venue. You can still drink there, though, if you’re 21 and over. Your little brother could be your designated driver!

in

n w o T

Do you have anything special planned for this show? Absolutely. We’ll have tons of glowsticks, black lights, and I’m working on creating fake snow. I grew up in Alaska and I never had the chance to attend a rave, so I’m hoping we can approximate something along those lines. But with totally different music. At midnight, will someone in your band be available for kissing? The world wants to know. We will all be available for kissing/hugging before/after/during the countdown to midnight. We’re also completely disease- and boundaryfree, collectively.

Weinland’s NYE Supergroup, the Minus 5, DJ Safi Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $22-25 What do you have planned this year? ADAM SHEARER (WEINLAND): The Minus 5 start the night with their amazing music and builtin all-star greatness. Then the Weinland NYE Supergroup will play around 25 of the most classic dance songs of all time. We represent every genre from the last 40 years and turn it into a best-of, performed by a group of 20-plus Portland musicians, all of whom are selected for their specific skill sets. Chet [Jeffrey Lyster of Eels] shreds, Steven Bak can sing anything, no one can sing the Bee Gees like Brian Perez, and on and on. We’ll have songs from Prince, MJ, Journey, Bell Biv Devoe (yes, I said that), Beastie Boys, the Stones, and heaps more. Will someone in the band be available for kissing at midnight? Yes, we all make out with everyone. The songs are selected to subconsciously push you all toward this. Do you have any favorite New Year’s traditions? Every year we do this. This is our fourth year. Bring your sweetheart or come alone and remain open to adventure. Anything else? If you put our picture on the cover, we will bring Ned Lannamann on stage and force him to dance with himself to “Dancing with Myself.”

What song will you play at midnight? “Auld Lang Syne”? We have a cover, but I can’t spill the beans! I will say that I’ve never been more excited to play four minutes of dance music. Anything else to add? A short plea, perhaps: Please don’t let Backspace go under! This is vital to our under-aged Portlanders.

Typhoon, Wild Ones, the Morals

ALICIA J. ROSE

Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $18-20

End the Year Right with the Mercury’s Mega-Guide to New Year’s Eve

N

by Ned Lannamann

EW YEAR’S EVE is all things to all people, from seasoned, sozzled party veterans to those youthful, scampish amateurs, but there are so many parties on the big night that you might not know where to stick yourself. That’s why we asked 14 of the bands, DJs, and venue owners in town about what we can expect from their New Year’s Eve throwdowns. They gave us all the juice about the parties they’ve got planned, so you’ll know exactly where to be when the ball drops.

What do you have planned for this show? KYLE MORTON (TYPHOON): I had a dream a few nights back in which we played our new songs with old songs embedded into parts of them. I woke up thinking that was a pretty good idea, so we set to hashing it out in real life. And yes, there will be snacks. At midnight, will someone in your band be available for kissing? We talked about it—like, for example, having a Typhoon kissing booth next to a Typhoon herpesscreening booth. Will you be playing “Auld Lang Syne”? Good idea. If we get our shit together, yes. What was your best New Year’s Eve? And your worst? Best: washing dishes at my dad’s restaurant growing up, everyone working their asses off with pizza, champagne, and a good sleep to look forward to at the end of the night. Worst? Last year, I found myself in the position of having to plunge

Two Beers Veirs w/Laura Veirs and Guests LaurelThirst Public House, 2958 NE Glisan, 9 pm, $25 What makes your show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? LAURA VEIRS: We have the best-looking band in town. Also, I’ll be six months pregnant, wearing a sparkling crown and a Les Paul. Anything special planned? Cover songs? I worked hard to learn Jimi’s solo for “The Wind Cries Mary.” Now I have to get it to flow with a rockstar spread-legged stance, instead of the tight-lipped-nerd-hunched-over concentrated look. At midnight, will someone in your band be available for kissing? We are all married, so give it a try and see what happens. What will you play at midnight? Led Zeppelin’s “The Song Remains the Same.” I

Continued on pg. 12

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 11


Gossip

News

Feature

Picks

Music

Continued from pg. 11 had to practice it for two months. Our lead singer Annalisa Tornfelt does a mean Robert Plant. Do you have any favorite New Year’s traditions? Joining a gym and getting the body of my dreams. How would you describe your 2012, overall? I bought a red Porsche and had a midlife crisis. What is your New Year’s resolution for 2013? To be more patient. Godammit.

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

It’s Anjali’s turn this year, and she’s not telling.

Champagne is traditional for New Year’s, but what drink do you recommend for your set? Well, if you want to honor the “Blue Album,” you’ll spend the evening drinking Heineken. But considering this is Portland, and we have so many other, and better, beers to choose from... I don’t really see that happening. Who knows—maybe when we sing the lyric “somebody’s Heinie is crowding my icebox,” there will be a sea of Heineken-holding hands raised to the sky!

What was your best New Year’s Eve? And your worst? Our first New Year’s Eve party together was a ton of fun. Between nudity and illicit substance use, people were getting kicked out by the dozens. The worst? How about the most different? At a hotel New Year’s Eve party at a hill station in Central India, we learned that at these functions all the vices are sequestered in a corner where the alcohol, tobacco, and meat are discreetly served and hastily consumed.

What song will you play at midnight (if you can spill the beans)? Pre-midnight, you’ll be hearing “Only in Dreams,” as we’ll be wrapping up the “Blue Album.” But there is a special song planned for immediately afterward. It is a secret.

What was your best New Year’s Eve? Surely last year at the Woods, it was epic. It closed one week later. I’m still so very sad about that. What is your New Year’s resolution for 2013? To get better at doing the “Cabbage Patch” and the “Roger Rabbit.”

Lord Dying, Long Knife, Bi-Marks, I Need Lunch

Quasi Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $12-14 What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? SAM COOMES (QUASI): I didn’t know there were any other shows. Do you have anything special planned for this show? A miniature reproduction of Qin Shi Huang’s tomb in marzipan. Champagne is traditional for New Year’s, but what drink do you recommend for your set? Depth Charge and kava. Will you play “Auld Lang Syne”? I’m not really interested in “Auld Lang Syne,” but if people are screaming for it, who knows. Is this a song that makes people happy? Is this something people actually want to hear? I don’t really know. I’ve never gotten anything out of it, personally. It’s got an interesting title, though.

At midnight, will someone in one of the bands be available for kissing? Everybody in Long Knife (except the bassist) will be available for kissing. It is encouraged, in fact. Any favorite or memorable New Year’s traditions? Not that I can remember. Maybe that is the tradition. What was your best New Year’s Eve? And your worst? They are one and the same, I suspect. How would you describe your 2012, overall? Awkward, but filled with love... like a giant pink gorilla trapped in a bedroom closet. What is your recommended hangover cure for New Year’s Day? No sleep; keep the party going until the 2nd and pay the price then.

Bossanova Ballroom, 722 E Burnside, 9 pm, $15

What makes this show the best New Year’s Eve show in town? EVAN WAY (THE PARSON RED HEADS): At no other show will you find two of the greatest albums of the ’90s being performed from start to finish! Our dear friends Ozarks (who I am playing drums for these days) are covering Grandaddy’s epic Under the Western Freeway, and the Parsons are playing Weezer’s “Blue Album!” You won’t see these sets performed by these bands again, so it’s pretty once-in-a-lifetime. We wanted to make sure this year was special in its own right—we’ve performed “classic” albums from front to back before (Tom Petty’s Wildflowers, the Beatles’ A Hard Day’s Night), but nothing quite like the “Blue Album.” And it is also just about the

What song will play at midnight? Miracles Club will be on stage at that moment, so I’m sure they’ve got something brilliant planned. What is your New Year’s resolution for 2013? Figure out what yoga is all about.

Anything special planned for this show? THE INCREDIBLE KID: With the help of Shane Carruth, we are building the first operational time machine, which will be the arrival point for the first visitors from the future at the stroke of midnight at our party. Champagne is traditional for New Year’s, but what drink do you recommend for your set? Mahua: the Indian “country liquor” created from the flowers of the Madhuca longifolia tree that is brewed by Indian tribals. Only drink one cup! Will someone be available for kissing at midnight? No one will be able to get a tongue in edgewise. Will you be playing “Auld Lang Syne” at midnight? “Auld Lang Syne?” Hell to the no. Definitely something fresh. Definitely a banger. Truthfully, Anjali and I switch off playing the midnight song every year.

12 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

CHRIS LAEL LARSON

DJ Nine Inch Nilina, DJ Uptown Alley Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, free What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest in town? NILINA MASON-CAMPBELL: It can be anything you want! Your full-time destination, a stopover on the way to the next event, something free to do, an ultimate dance party, beautiful young pretty things—you name it! Do you have anything special planned? What kinds of stuff will you spin? We’re planning to do a balloon drop once the clock strikes midnight. Look forward to having your photo snapped by moi, too! I’ll be playing a mix of electro, rap, old-school (think 1978), Top 40 (Miguel, Biebs, RiRi), and more. DJ Uptown Alley will also be gracing the decks and I know she has a love for all things disco. And Bruce Springsteen. The best summation is that Valentine’s will be pumping like an up-tempo jukebox.

At midnight, will you be available for kissing? I may (insert wink). I’m a single lady this year, but it all depends on who shows up. A high-five is a definite guarantee, though!

DJ Anjali and the Incredible Kid

White Eagle, 836 N Russell, 9:30 pm, $12-15

What drink do you recommend for your set? Well, I’m not above Red Bull and vodka, so if you need that sort of thing to stay awake until the wee hours, do your thing. But if you’re anything like me, you’ll maintain a steady flow of cheap white wine to the gullet. Anything, really, except for heavy, bitter microbrews. That stuff is a gut bomb.

Champagne is traditional, but what drink do you recommend? I recommend sparkling wine topped with St. Germain. Ultra classy, boozy, and bourgie.

Recommended hangover cure for New Year’s Day? Acid.

The Parson Red Heads, Ozarks, Josh and Mer

Do you have anything special planned for this show? I’ve got the über-talented boys of Brainstorm backing me up and we’re working on some tight collaborations that include the disco and house vibes I work with, combined with the jangly, West African sounds they’re so good at conjuring.

Do you have anything special planned for this show? The first three bands have original material (in this order: Bi-Marks, Long Knife, and Lord Dying). I Need Lunch, the final band of the evening, will be all Dead Boys covers... and they will most definitely dress and act the part.

What makes this New Year’s Eve show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? DJ COOKY PARKER: Wow, so many things. The DJ lineup is incredible, two of my favorite Portland bands are performing, and oh yeah, free limo rides!

At midnight, will you be available for kissing? Indeed I will be!

What is your New Year’s resolution for 2013? Become a little less of a Portland secret.

Star Bar, 639 SE Morrison, 9 pm, free What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest show in town? JOSH DAVIS (STAR BAR): First, it’s free. Four bands. Champagne toast at midnight. Party favors. All for free.

Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand & Union/Pine, 525 SE Pine (limo service between venues provided), 8 pm, $15

Champagne is traditional for New Year’s, but what drink do you recommend for your set? Absinthe?

Fun

single most fun album to play EVER.

Get In!: Magic Mouth, Shy Girls, DJ Cooky Parker, & more

Anything special planned? We are recreating the lighted ball drop from the Woods last year.

TV

The Miracles Club, Jeffrey Jerusalem Band, Brainstorm, Hosannas, Magic Fades, DJ Beyondadoubt, DJ E*Rock, DJ Zack; pre-party cocktail hour w/Zac Pennington & Luke Wyland duo Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm (7:30 pm cocktail hour), $18-25 What makes this the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? JEFFREY JERUSALEM: The diversity and talent on the bill is insane. Some of Portland’s most entertaining performers have a hand in this one. From Beyonda to Miracles Club to Brainstorm? Kind of unbeatable.

Do you have any favorite or memorable New Year’s traditions? When I was a kid, my mom and I would step out the door and bang on pots and pans. Now it’s just making sure the right song is on.

’60s Groove Pop Revival & Motown Get Down w/the Satin Chaps, Brownish Black, DJ Hippie Joe, DJ Von Tussle Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm, $15 What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? PETER DEAN (THE SATIN CHAPS): Our saxophonist will be removing an item of clothing every hour on the hour starting at 8 pm. Spoiler alert: He’s starting the night only wearing four items of clothing.

Continued on pg. 15


Natural American SpiritŽ is a registered trademark of Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Co. Š SFNTC 4 2012

get your trial offer.

cigarettes

Trial offer restricted to U.S. smokers 21 years of age or older. Offer void in MA and where prohibited. Additional restrictions may apply.

TryAmericanSpirit.com 1-800-435-5515 CODE: 92027

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 13 Portland Mercury 12-27-12.indd 1

12/12/12 2:38 PM


DODGEBALL KICKBALL BOWLING & PING PONG REGISTRATION NOW OPEN WWW.RECESSTIMESPORTS.COM 1 1/24/12 3:40 PM

merc_horiz0049_12_pdot.pdf

C

M

Y

CM

MY

CY

CMY

K

14 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


News

Feature Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Continued from pg. 12

Food

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

What was your best New Year’s Eve? And your worst? New Year’s Eve is my favorite and always good. It’s everyone’s birthday at once! Non-commercial, apolitical, irreligious.

Tony Starlight’s AM Gold ’70s Soft Rock Show

ANDY BATT

Anything special planned for this show? As stated above, there may be nudity. Beyond that, we have a virtual cornucopia of surprises planned. But if we told you what they were, they wouldn’t be surprises. Suffice it to say, people will tell their children about this night—children that may well be conceived as a direct result of the aforementioned surprises.

Tony Starlight’s Supper Club, 3728 NE Sandy, 8 pm (dinner show) & 10:30 pm (cocktail show), $25-70 What makes your show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? TONY STARLIGHT: It is easily the softest rocking in town. Do you have anything special planned? We dress in 1970s American native clothing. The finest polyester and the tightest of slacks. What drink do you recommend for your set? I’ll be drinking Maker’s Mark and soda.

Champagne is traditional for New Year’s, but what drink do you recommend for your set? Milk. It might be counterintuitive, but with the amount of getting down that’s going to be going down, folks will need the nutrition that can only be delivered by a good old-fashioned glass of icecold two percent.

Will you be playing “Auld Lang Syne”? Yes.

Will someone in your band be available for kissing at midnight? As luck would have it, a full 50 percent of the band will be herpes-sore-free and ready to smooch away at the strike of 12.

What is your New Year’s resolution for 2013? To be a little less humble.

Do you have any favorite or memorable New Year’s traditions? It’s New Year’s when I say it’s New Year’s, despite what time your phone says.

What song will you play at midnight? We’re big fans of a German NYE song called “Guten Rutsch (Ins Funky Neue Jahr).” What was your best New Year’s Eve? And your worst? Best: The whole crowd singing along to “Celebrate Good Times,” 12:00 am, January 1, 2011. Worst: An audience member throwing up on our organist, 12:02 am, January 1, 2011. What is your recommended hangover cure for New Year’s Day? Hair of the dog that bit ya: two percent milk.

MIKE MELNYK

Caleb Klauder Country Band, the Barn Door Slammers The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $15 What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest in town? CALEB KLAUDER: Well, it’s a honky-tonk at the Spare Room, one of the best dive bars in town. It’s got a great dance floor, so it’ll be an all-out dance party with “good vibes” as the main attraction.

Egyptian Lover, Jamie Jupiter, Etbonz, White Rainbow, DJ Maxx Bass

Anything special planned for this show? We are planning a Rhinestone Cowboy contest. Dress your best and bring on the bling. And at midnight we will have a special song for you all.

YU Contemporary, 800 SE 10th, 9 pm, $15-20 (free entry after 1 am w/Holocene stamp) What makes your New Year’s Eve show the finest New Year’s Eve show in town? JARED WHITE (DJ MAXX BASS): Egyptian theme! On account of Egyptian Lover. Plus the late-night shared ticket with Holocene. Plus the venue with the largest windows!

Do you have any favorite New Year’s traditions? Well, I love a big ol’ bonfire, but we can’t do that at the Spare Room. I am into the idea of a great social gathering with dancing and singing as a way of throwing off your old baggage. I like the paper boats with candles sent down the river to take away your fears and to make room for new opportunities in life.

Do you have anything special planned? Working on a pyramid. Wear gold and black!

What is your recommended hangover cure for New Year’s Day? What’s a hangover? Just kidding. Two parts coffee and Bailey’s, one part eggs and bacon, one part couch, one part good ol’ western movie, and a sauna in the late afternoon. Oh, and a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

What song will play at midnight? “Bitter Sweet Symphony”? “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” Boyz II Men? “Once in a Lifetime,” Talking Heads? We will see. Dealer’s choice.

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 15


Fri 12/28

Garcia Birthday Band 9:30 p.m.

Sat 12/29

Justin Rayfield 9:30 p.m.

Mon 12/31

The Parson Red Heads Ozarks Josh and Mer 9 p.m.

thursday, december 27 5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

brOthers OF the hOuNd steVe haLe 8:30 p.m.

FrIday, december 28 5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

reVerb brOthers saturday, december 29 4:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

the studeNt LOaN suNday, december 30

OpeN mIc/sINger sONgwrIter shOwcase fEATurinG porTLAnd’s finEsT TALEnT 6:30 p.m. siGn-up; 7 p.m. music

tuesday, JaNuary 1

bOttLecap bOys 8:30 p.m.

wedNesday, JaNuary 2

ambush party aNdrew’s aVeNue muFFaLuFFagus 8:30 p.m.

upcoming ticketed shows: 1/4

VAgABond And tRAmp JAcoB miLLeR And the BRidge citY cRooneRs

16 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


Picks

My, What a Busy Week!

Destination Party

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF DECEMBER 26-JANUARY 1

by Rose Finn and Courtney Ferguson

Wednesday, December 26

SEXY MUTHA—You’ve been stuck inside with your godawful family for days, so the time is nigh to throw on something slinky and dance to the sweet, panty-dropping sounds of Prince. DJs Nathan Detroit and Black Dog will show you what it sounds like when doves cry, so be prepared to shake it like you stole it. CF Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand, 9 pm, FREE

Thursday, December 27

Friday, December 28

THE DUDE > SANTA—Congrats, you survived Christmas! Celebrate with the Dude. The Clinton Street Theater’s annual screening of The Big Lebowski on 35mm is the perfect way to wind down after putting up with all the bullshit that the holidays entail—and you’re encouraged to come in your pajamas. So that’s a bonus. EH Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, Wed Dec 26-Thurs Dec 27, 6:50 & 9:20 pm, $6

WELL, WELLS—Occasional Portlander Emily Wells delivered one of the year’s finest albums in Mama, a dizzying array of classical, hiphop, pop, and beyond. Outside of the studio, Wells is an arresting performer, using loops and her formidable multi-instrumentalist skills to combine beats and string-laden atmosphere that’ll move your body and your mind. NL w/Timmy Straw; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $12-14

CIAO, 007—Part of the three-day Spaghetti Fest (featuring groovy Italian flicks of the ’60s and early ’70s), tonight’s Euro Spy Night is a treat for fans of 007. Mission Bloody Mary (1965) and the awesomely named From the Orient with Fury (1965) both star Ken Clark as Dick Malloy, Agent 077 (!!) battling super villains and banging beautiful broads. WSH Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 7 pm, $8, go to portlandmercury.com for more screenings

E

HOMETOWN HEROES—It’s another installment of great comedy showcase Funny Over Everything! One-time Portlanders Ron Funches and Matt Braunger have moved on to sunnier climes, but they’re back in town for the holidays to grace us with their hilarity at tonight’s show. There’s a reason these two got good enough to leave Portland—don’t miss ’em. AH w/Ian Karmel, Shane Torres; Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 8 pm, $10

Saturday, December 29

Sunday, December 30 CINDY SHERMAN—You’ve seen her photos. You know they’re amazing. But computer screens and art history textbooks can’t really capture all the spookiness and texture of Cindy Sherman’s elaborate portraits. Today’s the last day to see her photos in person at the Portland Art Museum—get down there! SM Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park, noon-5 pm, $15

INSTITUTIONAL—Featuring members of legendary Portland band Dead Moon, Pierced Arrows are a tour de force and represent some of the bedrock that the local music scene was founded on. If you’ve never seen either act, don’t be surprised if someone revokes your citizenship. MS w/the Suicide Notes; Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE Cesar E. Chavez, 8 pm, $8

WIND IT UP—The year ain’t quite over yet, but it’s time to Wind It Up with a super-sized bill of great local bands, including the zooted, shortattention-span sex jams of the Woolen Men, the Memories, the gnarled psych of Wooden Indian Burial Ground, and plenty more. It’s all free, too, which means this Sunday night could very well be the best one of 2012. NL w/Charts, Regular Music, & more; Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 6 pm, FREE

Tuesday, January 1

GRINDHOUSE—Kick off 2013 right—by heading back to the ’70s. The Hollywood’s being tight-lipped about what three movies they’re showing at their New Year’s Day Grindhouse Secret Movie Marathon, but one’s about “giant monsters battling,” another is “a gritty ’70s crime fi lm,” and the third is “an extremely rare kung fu movie.” Plus: 35mm grindhouse trailers before each movie! EH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, $10 for all three or $7 for final film, movies start at 3, 5, & 7 pm

CALEB KLAUDER COUNTRY BAND!— Hands fucking down this is the best New Year’s Eve shindig you’ll find in Stumptown tonight! Go watch the honky-tonk shenanigans of the boottootin’ Caleb Klauder Country Band at the awesome Spare Room. Wear your rhinestones and your best white cowboy hat! It’s about to get real… real country. CF The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, $15 CHARLIE FM ’80S PARTY—Nothing celebrates “2013” like “1982.” Charlie FM is hosting a huge party with Tommy Tutone, ’80s tribute band the Poor Sports, two floors of dancing, DJs, food, drinks, and the standard midnight champagne toast. After hearing “867-5309” for the 8,675,309th time, you’ll be wondering whose balls are dropping—the ones on the ceiling or your own. RF Tiffany Center, 1410 SW Morrison, 7:30 pm, $99-139 CHOCOLATE! BUBBLES!—Trust sweetmongers Pix Patisserie to throw a fête worth getting drunk for. Join ’em at their new location for champagne sabering (slashing at bottles with swords!), a six-foot flowing bubbly tower, confetti, free chocolate buffet when you buy a bevy, chestnut roasting, 300+ sparkling wines on hand, and sweet tunes from DJ Action. CF Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside, 10 pm, FREE OVER THE HILTON—The Hilton is hosting its annual Champagne Ball, equipped with ’80s bands and DJs, three dance floors, go-go dancers, and people that weren’t alive during the ’80s. RF Hilton Portland and Executive Tower, 921 SW 6th, 8 pm, $89-129 VIDEO DANCE ATTACK—Don’t have enough cheddar in your pocket to dance like an ’80s music-loving rich person tonight? Don’t seethe in silence. Dance it out at the always fun Video Dance Attack, which is taking their music video projections out of Lola’s Room to get expando at the Wonder Ballroom. CF Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, $17-20

Monday, December 31 DIG A PARTY—Twofer! One ticket gets you into Get In!— a combo dance party at Dig a Pony and Union/Pine… with free limo rides between venues! Pony will feature ass-shaking makers Magic Mouth, Shy Girls, and more, while Union Pine will be making you sweat with DJs Cooky Parker, Jimbo, and Sex Life DJs. Get in! WSH Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand; Union/Pine, 525 SE Pine, 8 pm, $15, FREE limo rides!

New Year’s Eve 2012

VERY YEAR, we drag out last year’s glad rags, throw back some Jell-O shots, kiss our best friend at midnight, and try not to puke while standing. And this year will be absolutely no different! You just need to find the right spot with champagne and “handsome” strangers. Here are some of your best options:

AND ANOTHER THING—While all your friends are out of town for the holidays and the social calendar looks bleak, And And And will welcome you in with their shared passion for Pavementesque rock and their summertime pursuit of the fine sport of Rigsketball (it involves a van and a basketball hoop)! So chin up: You do have friends, and their name is And And And. MS w/the We Shared Milk, Pictorials; Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy, 9 pm, FREE

WELL HEELED—All you need to know are the two best names in the world: Alaska Thunderfuck and Jinkx Monsoon. Those two ladies— well known as über queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race—are throwing down the dance party tonight at Rotture. Time to bust out the glitter and heels so tall they violate FAA regulations! SM Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $8

Fun

PARDO—There are no shortage of dance parties tonight, but if you’d prefer to spend your New Year’s Eve sitting down—and perhaps laughing convulsively?—then consider ringing in the year with the reliably hilarious stand-up Jimmy Pardo. Helium’s also throwing in a free ticket to a future show and a dessert buffet after the late set. AH Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 7:30 & 10 pm, $25-52

WE’LL WHISPER—So you emptied your brains into several glasses of dark liquor last night, and now you’re facedown, head throbbing, on your bed. But good news! The only place you’re going today is your futon! Change the bong water, grab a cheese steak, and settle in front of a screen. You can always clean the puke out of your bathtub tomorrow! DCT The hole you call “home,” somewhere embarrassing, all day, FREE

BASS ODYSSEY—If you like going to really loud 18+ raves at the Oregon Convention Center, this will be the best... until next year. RF Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK, 7 pm, $35-61, 18+ STORM LARGE—If you haven’t gotten enough of Storm Large, here’s your chance for another round of music and theatrics. RF Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, Sun Dec 30, 8 pm, $50, all ages, Mon Dec 31, 10 pm, $75, 21+ “BEST OPTION” AT ROTTURE—From Onuinu’s disco-hop rhythm to DJ Fatboy’s E-40 cuts, your booty won’t have shaken so hard since your best friend dropped a slug down your pants in the 3rd grade. What better way to cover up the wounds of childhood than with some nasty freak-dancing to fat beats?With Reva DiVito, Stewart Villain, TxE, and more; RF Branx/Rotture, 320 SE 2nd, $10 in advance, 9pm, 21+

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 17


Gossip

W

News

Feature

Picks

Music Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

The Best Moments of the Year in Music

UP & COMING

This Week’s Music Previews

WEDNESDAY 12/26

The Best Shows, Songs, and More: What Made 2012 Great

E ASKED Portland musicians, bookers, club owners, music enthusiasts, and more about their favorite musical moments of 2012. They responded with lots of great stories about what made the past year in music so great. We’ve got some for you here; for many more, visit the Mercury’s music blog, End Hits, all this week. Ian Hunter at the Aladdin Theater on September 1. Ian is 73 years old and he put on a show that would put many twentysomething-yearold bands to shame. Ian rocked and played material from his 44-year career, including solo material and Mott the Hoople, with a band that has to be one of the best out there. This was his first time to Portland since 1989; talk to anyone that was at that show and they will all say it was the musical highlight of the year. —Terry Currier (Music Millennium)

PUSSY CONTROL: NATHAN DETROIT, BLACK DOG (Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

THURSDAY 12/27 EMILY WELLS, TIMMY STRAW (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

AND AND AND, THE WE SHARED MILK, PICTORIALS (Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

PETUNIA AND THE VIPERS, WHAT HEARTS

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND AT THE ROSE GARDEN, NOVEMBER 28 One of the best musical moments of the year, and one of the greatest photos as well. JASON QUIGLEY

Swans at the Hawthorne Theatre for MusicfestNW. Brutal, visceral, and no bullshit. I was ecstatic the entire time and left so humbled by such mastery of restraint. One of the most hypnotic musical experiences of my life. —Luke Wyland (AU) Pure Bathing Culture at Valentine’s. My first time seeing them live. It was intimate, the sound was mysteriously superb, and the room soaked up their vibes like a sponge. —Dan Vidmar (Shy Girls) Every live performance I caught of Like a Villain. Holland Andrews is the musical equivalent of a majestic beast. —Claudia Meza (Stay Calm) Father John Misty eating mushrooms backstage and then going onstage at SXSW to do an improvised version of “Apples and Bananas.” —Jordan Kinley (Into the Woods) Drunk Dad at Baby Bar in Spokane. Drunk Dad were up first, but only two of [the band members] were at the show and they couldn’t find the other two. The others had apparently fallen asleep in the van, and no one knew where the van was. Long after they were to have started—and after a lot pacing (and at least a little yelling)—the missing two showed up, having just woken up. Moments later they launched into one of the loudest, most crushingly sick sets I saw all year. Rock and roll. —Josh Hughes (Rabbits) Hosting legendary UK peace-punk forebears the Mob was definitely one of the more rewarding moments of the year for us at the Know. It seems too often that “reunion tours” offer a castrated or hodgepodged version of the original band that had once left such a strong impression. The Mob, however, absolutely bucked this trend. People were packed so tightly into the room that people were practically on top of one another to catch a glimpse of

the performance on stage. Several times throughout the show the audience became an impromptu choir, as the volume with which they sang along to their favorite songs exceeded that of the sound system and band! It was a beautiful thing to watch. —David Rose (the Know, Bulkhead Records) One of my favorite musical moments of 2012 was seeing Joanna Newsom karaoke “The Last Unicorn” at Alberta Street Pub. —Tonality Star (PWRHAUS) If you had told me the two best shows I’d see in 2012 would both be at the Rose Garden, I’d have told you to go screw. But here we are. Not very punk rock, I guess. Back in May, Roger Waters performed The Wall—one of the most nihilistic, hateful albums ever to have been cauterized by classic-rock radio overplay—to a rapturous crowd. It was technically the most impressive live spectacle I’ve ever seen, and, amazingly enough, one of the most thought provoking, too. Then there was Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in November; the man mainlined pure, giddy, unadulterated joy directly into the hearts of 15,000 Portlanders for a miraculous three hours and 20 minutes. The Boss commands legions of devoted, slobbering fans, and I’d never fully understood why—until that night. —Ned Lannamann (Portland Mercury) Elvis Costello is my favorite musician of all time, and thanks to an amazing friend, I had front-row seats to his Spinning Wheel Tour at the Schnitz. When it came time for Costello to pick an audience member to spin the wheel, on his way back toward the stage he stopped, eyeto-eye not two feet from my face, and sang to me. Everyone I’ve told this to asks what song he was singing, to which I have no reply. —Anna Jensen (Doug Fir) Randomly crossing paths with comatose J Mascis in three of Portland’s quadrants during MusicfestNW.

—Morgan Troper (Mercury contributor, Your Rival) The Shaky Hands’ first reunion show at Backspace. It was a phenomenal set by one of my all-time favorite Portland bands, and easily my best music moment of the year. —Louie Herr (Banana Stand Media)

(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) It’s two days after Christmas, and you’ve eaten enough candy canes to ensure psychedelic spit and sugar bumps through at least the end of the year. It’s officially time to get out of the holiday malaise, and it’s tough to imagine a more swingin’ way to brush off the blues than with Vancouver, BC’s Petunia and the Vipers. Petunia’s Jimmie Rodgers croon, pedal-steel soul, and easy-doesit cowboy tunes recall shooting-star nights sitting around the campfire on the range. The band’s excellent self-titled debut switches gears from track to track, proffering juke-joint scorchers like “Maybe Baby Amy” against smoldering, yodel-led retro-western tunes like album opener “The Cricket Song.” RYAN J. PRADO

FRIDAY 12/28 DON’T, THE BLOODTYPES, THE RANSOM

June 12. Seeing the terrible accordion player outside of Powell’s being attacked by a seagull. —Leonard Mynx Seeing Hungry Ghost’s record release at Bunk Bar when I’d just had a baby. I was totally floored by the unflagging ferocity of Sara Lund and Lorca Wood—both mothers, both complete badasses. —Heather Larimer (Eux Autres) I can’t even remember what happened two months ago. —Johnny Magdaleno (Mercury contributor) The most transcendent concert for me was the performance of original and live scores to René Laloux’s animated feature films at Holocene. In particular, the music that WL wrote and performed to accompany the film Gandahar left me speechless. I gasped when I learned later how quickly WL had put it all together (it was something absurd like three days). That event drove home why I love Portland so much. —Brent Knopf (Ramona Falls) Caleb Klauder at the Spare Room, every time. —Sean Spellman (Quiet Life) Sharon Van Etten at the Aladdin Theater. She’s an incredible songwriter, charming, witty, and adorably self-deprecating on stage. Her live arrangements are really something special. —Courtney Sheedy (Houndstooth, Point Juncture, WA, What Hearts) Continued on pg. 21

(Club 21, 2035 NE Glisan) Before Portland earned its reputation as a playground for young adults, it was (and continues to be) home to individuals who devoted themselves to lifelong efforts at creative endeavors. Thankfully, this side of the city endures amid escalating stereotypes, and is on display with the musical project Don’t. Formed in 2009, the band combines the talents of legendary local musicians Sam Henry (drummer of the Wipers, member of the Oregon Music Hall of Fame, and tonight’s birthday boy) and Dave Minick (bassist for Napalm Beach and more), with the pioneering spirits of guitarist Dan Lowinger (the Love Lasers) and vivacious frontwoman Jenny Don’t. The result is music that sounds effortlessly timeless, while pulsating with that new and earnest energy we call rock ’n’ roll—soon to be captured on a new 7-inch for DIY Long Island imprint Dead Broke Rekerds. MARANDA BISH

ITAL, ACID FARM, DASANI REBOOT (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Ital is the façade erected by Daniel Martin-McCormick to stand in front of his experiment in dance music, where “dance” means whatever you want it to. Martin-McCormick is a cerebral Brooklynite whose past collaborations include Black Eyes and Mi Ami, but Ital is not a reinvention—Martin-McCormick’s output is defined by constant experimentation. This year, after a string of EPs, Ital has released two records, Hive Mind and Dream On. Though tinkering with dance music is all the rage right now, Ital’s albums are deliberate and thoughtful and certainly not fashionable. Ital transgresses the idea of what dance music has traditionally meant—a sweaty, sexualized medium for people whose main interest is the activity of dancing—and offers up a challenging, impressionistic, fractured alternative. Sometimes, it’s even very beautiful. It’s what might happen after staying up all night reading Derrida and listening to the Prodigy’s entire catalog. REBECCA WILSON

THE NO TOMORROW BOYS, THE CRY, STUMBLEBUM, A HAPPY DEATH (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Doug Rogers took the reins of Slabtown back in February, and he’s closing out 2012 with a bang: a four-day weekend with some of his favorite bands that have played the club since

Continued on pg. 21

THIS WEEK ON THE MERCURY ’S MUSIC BLOG Trouble

NEW MUSIC AND VIDEOS FROM PORTLAND’S BEST BANDS!

18 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

Music

LOTS MORE OF THE BEST MUSICAL MOMENTS OF 2013!

Tweet

FOLLOW @ENDHITS ON

TWITTER BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!


December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 19


20 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


W / DANTE’S & STAR News

Feature

Picks

MERCURY / DANTE’S & STAR + PIZZA Music

Arts

Food

Film

Sex

The New ly Res tore d His tori c TV

Fun

UP & COMING

Best Moments from pg. 18 Tupac hologram. I was at Coachella [for] week one, and the return of Tupac was icing on the cake. Right before he materialized, 226-6630 • Open Daily 11am-2:30am • www.StarTheaterPortland.com w w wthe. dvideo a n screens t e s l showed i v e . ca post-apocalyptic om lightning storm and all that came out of my www.facebook.com/StarTheaterPortland www.facebook.com/DantesLive This Week’s Music Previews mouth was “The world is about to end.” TuContinued from pg 19 DAY pac shouts, “Whatsup, Coachella!” and 80,000 FRIDAY DEC 28 his tenure started. Tonight kicks things off in fine form 28 people lose it. It was beyond crazy. with a quartet of Portland’s rowdiest and rockingest. PLUS —Gabriel Granach (KPSU) The No Tomorrow Boys kick out punk-rock jams perSPECIAL GUESTS formed at full speed, and their 2012 Animal italianEyes SATURDAY DEC 29 electrifying indie folk reverb, rock like My favorite local music moment this year, by 7-inch is appealingly cloaked in rockabilly Eddie Cochrane and the Ramones co-hosting an allTHE THE TURDAY a mile, was Edna Vazquez at PDX Pop Now! night kegger. The Cry, meanwhile, have a splendid 29 —Ross Beach power-pop platter with their self-titled debut, packed

Lord Dying

0PM

FRIDAYDEC 28 THE $7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

TCSICS A SPAAFRZOM DISIA

ADV 0PM

BITTER ROOTS

SATURDAYDEC 29 TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

Mbrascatu

MONDAY DECteenage 31 kicks. Stumblebum makes with glam-rock MODAAYDEC

THEE && TH Pickathon—the whole thing—was my favor-

roaring, angry punk that would make Lemmy’s mole tremble in fear. And A Happy Death makes lysergic, spookily romantic psych rock for your prettiest waking nightmares. NED LANNAMANN

$30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • ALL AGES + BAR 21+

ite musical“The moment 2012. I have a love/ Best Show of In Town!” NDAY hate relationship with music festivals, so I’d 30 steered clear of Pickathon until this year. The lineup wasbsoastacked r e twith groups that I love ca that I just had to check it out. I was far from 9pm LOVEBOMB GOGO MARCHING BAND 9pm - LOVEBOMB GOGO MARCHING BAND disappointed. My favorite moments were Cactus Blossoms, NDAYwatching - NEWthe YEAR’S EVE Thee Oh Sees, Y la Bamba, Dr. Dog, and so many others play 31 in the Galaxy Barn. It is no exaggeration when I say that I was one of the last people to leave Pendarvis Farm after the festival wrapped. Pickathon forever. —Theo Craig (Smoke Signals, Rontoms)

SINFERNO SINFERNO

$12 ADV 9PM

ROBOTS & NURSES NYE PARTY

SMOOCHKNOB

My favorite musical moment of the year was definitely Lizzy Ellison of Radiation City covering Etta James’ “At Last” at the end of their PDX Pop Now! set this summer. A huge surprise and not an easy song, vocally, to cover! —Tope (Living Proof, TxE)

& THE SMOOCHGIRLS

SATURDAY 12/29 PIERCED ARROWS, THE SUICIDE NOTES (Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

THE SUPERSUCKERS, BURN THE STAGE (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) The Supersuckers, and their mustachioed, perma-smirked frontman Eddie Spaghetti, have been proclaiming themselves the “greatest rock ’n’ roll band in the world” for years now. Whether or not the claim holds true is up for debate (and should be debated, because this is America). But just making such a bold proclamation is pretty fucking rock ’n’ roll. And the band’s been at it for years, a modern-day AC/DC where every song is essentially “Shoot to Thrill” done over and over. Or in the Supersuckers’ case, “Creepy Jackalope Eye.” Hey, even these guys released a singles collection called The Songs All Sound the Same. Supersuckers shows are a good excuse to drink, flail, and forget about the grind of life. If that’s not rock ’n’ roll, I don’t PRESENTS know what is. MARK LOREBURLESQUIRE A FIRST THURSDAY

PLUS DOSE AMERAKIN OVSETRRONAUT S & THE A T ROBOT! ATLAThe IANyelling, “That’s what I’m E Gkept KYguyTHwho & BLIN talkin’ abooouuut!” after every single song THURSDAYJAN at THURSDAY JAN 33 the David Byrne and St. Vincent show at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in October. —Ryan J. Prado (Mercury contributor)

$5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

ALL-MALE REVUE WITH EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE

BOYEURISM FRIDAY JAN 4 FRIDAYJAN ES L C A N PYN LITTLE LORD FAUNTLEROY, M.A.R.C., HEARTS OF PLAID

(Foggy Notion, 3416 N Lombard) From first note, Little Lord Fauntleroy appeals immediately to the musical weirdo. Their debut recording, Sexual Exploits Perhaps I thought of this because it happened•$521+ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME ONLYfrom a Gruesome Coffi n, launches with raunchy saxoso recently, but Federale’s show at Doug Fir a phone riffs uncommon to garage rock, soon joined couple weeks ago was absolutely EPIC! Their by sweltering synths, joyous syncopation, and an acnew album is so wide in scope and has so cented lyrical delivery reminiscent of Of Montreal’s Barnes in both tone and provocatively bizarre many musical elements, but they managed to Kevin $12 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT MATINEE subject matter. ThePERFORMING project originated with a group of • 3PM SHOWTIME SHOW • ALL AGES + BAR 21+ fully pull it off in the proper sequence, includ- 3PMmusicians THE BEATLES who have been playing prolifically across ing a ton of special guests, like a men’s choir EVENING Portland stages in recent years—in bands like MatSHOW 9PM tress and the Reservations—and seems predicated and an accordion player. $10 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT on a relentless inclination to experiment and revel SHOWTIME —Brendan Grubb 21+ ONLY 12/28 Lord(Ancient Dying Heat)•• 9PM in musical styles that band members find pleasing, 12/29 The Spazmatics despite unusual or unconventional combination or The Aphrodisiacs Standing on the side of the& stage while watch- culminating effect. MB

toric

The New ly Res tore d His tori c

503-226-6630 • Open Daily 11am-2:30am •

www.danteslive.com

www.StarTheaterPortland.com www.facebook.com/StarTheaterPortland

www.facebook.com/DantesLive

Lord FRIDAY Dying Lord SATURDAY Dying PAZMATICS 503-226-6630 • Open Daily 11am-2:30am •

FRIDAY FRIDAY DEC w w 28 w . S THE tarTheaterPortland.c w w w . d a n t e s l i v e . c o mFRIDAYDEC

DEC 28

www.facebook.com/DantesLive

9:30PM

PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS

DEC 28

9:30PM

PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS

THE THE

$5 ADV 9:30PM

COMING SOON

12/30 Sinferno & Lovebomb SATURDAY FEB 16 ing the Austin band White Denim absolutely GoGo Marching Band WITH PAPA melt the Galaxy Barn 12/31 at Pickathon. For an enSmoochknob DYNAMITE tire hour, everybody around 1/2 Siouxme was exchang1/4 Nick Curran Tribute ing looks of utter disbelief at what we were WIND IT UP 2012: THE WOOLEN MEN, 1/5 Tony Smiley THE MEMORIES, REGULAR MUSIC, witnessing. & Grand Royale WOODEN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND, —Dave Depper 1/9 Sulfur Valley Wranglers

NICK CURRAN TRIBUTE

SATURDAYFEB16 SUNDAY 12/30 $15 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 8:30PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

CHARTS, JJAAXXNN MAR FRIDAY MAR 88 1/11 Power of County (Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy TURDAY Brit-pop act Pulp played& aThesingle Dirty Handnon-festival Band $21 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

Week!, pg. 17.

1/12 The half Romanes reunion show in the western of the Unit1/18 Plum & Ten Pound Rain ed States this past spring. I attended partially RADIATION CITY, ANCIENT HEAT 1/26 dada & 7 Horse Fir, 830 E Burnside) Have you visited Radiaout of obligation to my younger self; a guilty (Doug 2/2 Monsters Of Rock PDX3 WITH LEGION tion City? It’s WITHIN a dreamy place, a midcentury relic filled nostalgia jaunt to San2/6Francisco that I could Slim Cessna’s Auto Club with butterfly roofs, reverb, and the heady promise of a TICKETS AVAILABLE AT STAR THEATER, DANTE’S couple with copious2/9Mission burritos (six Kultur Shock MORE SHOWS nuclear-powered utopia. Spam and martinis are AND what’s www.StarTheaterPortland.com Electric Six and aDECfor OR CALL 503-345-7892 Naturally, doo-wop pervades. But it’s been in two days! Why am3/7 I proud of this?) 28 dinner. - THE BITTER ROOTS DECinverted, 29 - MBRASCATU tossed in a pastel blender with shards of soul TICKETS AVAILABLE AT ITH BEASTIE BOYS sense of TRIBUTE dutiful musical fandom completion. DEC 31 - ABNEY PARK & WANDERLUST CIRCUS DANTE’S, STAR THEATER & and synth, and fed to a girl group that has shrugged off 3 - BOYEURISM Yet it was better thanWWW.DANTESLIVE.COM all that. So, so muchJAN JAN its 4 - PYNNACLES Radiation City’s THE full-length OR CALL 503-345-7892 EARLYBoys 3PM -Allowed SCHOOLsign. OF ROCK PERFORMS BEATLES JAN 5 - No better. In one of the greatest performancesJAN debut, 5 - RAMBLE PERFORMS “LEDYou, ZEPPELIN The ON Hands That Take rides IV” the line beJAN 11 BERGAMOT BURLESQUE LEGENDS SHOW THE 20-YEAR I have ever witnessed, Pulp sounded as con-JAN tween nostalgia and theYEAR here WITH and now, like hearing the 12 - OLD RUSSIAN NEW CHERVONA ANNIVERSARY TURDAY JAN Shirelles 18 - ROSEHIP REVUE ANNIVERSARY through the3RD decayed speakers SHOW of the future. temporary as ever, emerging unscathed from OF JAN 26 - APPETITE FOR DECEPTION 6 at once comforting and stimulating. Which is a good 1 - CODY CHESTNUTT the nostalgia tar pit for wayward rock ’n’ rollFEB It’s FEB thing, 2 - JUST PEOPLEAncient CD RELEASE because Heat is a hard act to follow. The 8 - FEDERALE dinosaurs—this, despite their best song (“Dis-FEB horn-fueled disco pleasure band is just as aesthetically FEB 14 - STONE IN LOVE 16 - ZZ WARD & DELTA RAEit’s just that their world feels co 2000”) having reached its expiration date FEBminded as Radiation City, JERAD FINCK & 7 HORSE MAR 8 - KMFDM over a decade ago. All we wanted was some less like a David Lynch movie and more like an orgy. RW cheap sentimentalism; instead, we received a brilliant reminder of why we still hold lingering flames for bands we’ve idolized since we were teenagers, why we cross state lines See our overstuffed New Year’s Eve rundown, pg. 11, to hear music, and why a two-decade wait and Destination Fun, pg. 17. can make everything better. —Ezra Ace Caraeff (Mercury contributor, the Old Gold) $10 ADV 9:30PM

EEGAN SMITH

TONY SMILEY

MORE SHOWS

RANDE ROYALE

dada

MONDAY 12/31 TUESDAY 1/1

You did just fine, kiddo. Be good to yourself today.

BITTER ROOTS FRIDAY DEC FRIDAYDEC 28 italian THE SATURDAY DEC 29 electrifying SATURDAYDEC indie folk rock BITTER ROOTS

THE THE SATURDAY ODISIACS THEE AFR && TH $10 ADV 9:30PM

DEC 29

$7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

Mbrascatu electrifying italian indie folk rock Mbrascatu

TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

SATURDAY DEC 29 SATURDAYDEC 29 MONDAY DEC 31 MODAAYDEC TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY $30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • ALL AGES + BAR 21+

MONDAY DEC 31 MODAAYDEC

“The Best Show In Town!”

$10 ADV 9:30PM

www.facebook.com/StarTheaterPortland

$7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

S S C I T A M Z A P S SUNDAY IACS THEE AFRODIS && TH

DEC 29

SINFERNO SUNDAY SINFERNO SINFERNO MONDAY - NEW YEAR’S EVE DEC 30

$30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • ALL AGES + BAR 21+

c a b a r“TheeBestt Show In Town!”

DEC9pm 30 -- LOVEBOMB 9pm LOVEBOMB GOGO GOGO MARCHING MARCHING BAND BAND

cabaret

$12 ADV 9PM

9pm-- LOVEBOMB LOVEBOMB GOGO GOGO MARCHING MARCHING BAND BAND DEC 31 9pm

ROBOTS & NURSES NYE PARTY ROBOTS & NURSES NYE PARTY & THE SMOOCHGIRLS PLUS &ATHE SMOOCHGIRLS OSE MERAKIN OVERD

MONDAY - NEW YEAR’S EVE DEC 31

$12 ADV 9PM

SMOOCHKNOB SMOOCHKNOB SLTURSONAUT ATLAS & THE GPAIA BOT! KYETRHAEKIN NOTVREORDOSAEUT & BLAINM THURSDAY JAN 33 STRON THURSDAYJAN ATLAS & THE GAIA ! T O B O R T N E H T Y K IN L B & BOYEURISM THURSDAY JAN 33 THURSDAYJAN FRIDAY JAN 4 FRIDAYJAN ES $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

BURLESQUIRE PRESENTS A FIRST THURSDAY ALL-MALE REVUE WITH EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE

$5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

BURLESQUIRE PRESENTS A FIRST THURSDAY ALL-MALE REVUE WITH EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE

BOYEURISM CL A N N Y P JAN 4 FRIDAY FRIDAYJAN ES L C A SATURDAY JAN 5 SATURDAYJAN N PYN $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

$5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

SATURDAY JAN 5 SATURDAYJAN 5

DAY

ADV 0PM

The Newly Restored His

LiveMusic, Music, Cabaret,Burlesque Burlesque&&Rock-n-Roll Rock-n-Roll Live Cabaret, WW / DANTE’S & STAR

FRIDAY JAN 4

COMING SOON

MATINEE SHOW 3PM

$12 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 3PM SHOWTIME • ALL AGES + BAR 21+

EVENING SHOW 9PM

PERFORMING THE BEATLES

SATURDAY JAN 5 SATURDAYJAN 5 MATINEE SHOW

$10 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

$12 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 3PM SHOWTIME • ALL AGES + BAR 21+

PERFORMING

3PM THE BEATLES 12/28 Lord Dying EVENING COMING 12/29 The Spazmatics SHOW FRIDAY 9PM & The Aphrodisiacs SOON JAN 4 12/30 Sinferno & Lovebomb 12/28 Lord Dying SATURDAY FEB 16 GoGo12/29 Marching TheBandSpazmatics WITH PAPA 12/31 Smoochknob & The Aphrodisiacs DYNAMITE 1/2 Sioux12/30 Sinferno & Lovebomb SATURDAY FEB 16 1/4 Nick Curran Tribute GoGo Marching Band WITH PAPA1/5 Tony 12/31 SmileySmoochknob DYNAMITE & Grand Royale 1/2 Sioux 1/9 Sulfur Valley Wranglers 1/4 Nick Curran Tribute FRIDAY MAR 8 1/11 Power1/5of Tony CountySmiley SATURDAY & The Dirty Hand&Band Grand Royale JAN 5 1/12 The 1/9 Romanes Sulfur Valley Wranglers FRIDAY MAR 8 1/18 Plum &1/11 Ten Pound Rain of County Power SATURDAY 1/26 dada &&7The Horse Dirty Hand Band JAN 5 2/2 Monsters1/12 Of Rock ThePDX3RomanesWITH LEGION WITHIN 2/6 Slim Cessna’s Auto Club 1/18 Plum & Ten Pound Rain TICKETS AVAILABLE AT THEATER, DANTE’S AND 2/9 Kultur 1/26Shock dada & 7MORE Horse SHOWS STAR www.StarTheaterPortland.com Six Of RockDEC 3/7 Electric OR CALLWITHIN 503-345-7892 2/2 Monsters PDX3 28 - THE BITTER ROOTS WITH LEGION DEC - MBRASCATU 2/6 Slim Cessna’s Auto Club29 TICKETS AVAILABLE AT WITH BEASTIE BOYS TRIBUTE DEC 31 - ABNEY PARK & WANDERLUST CIRCUS TICKETS AVAILABLE AT $5 ADV 9:30PM

$5 ADV 9:30PM

NICK CURRAN NICK TRIBUTE CURRAN TRIBUTE $10 ADV 9:30PM

$10 ADV 9:30PM

KEEGAN SMITH TONY SMILEY

SATURDAYFEB16

$10 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

$15 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 8:30PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

SATURDAYFEB16

$15 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 8:30PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

FRIDAY MAR 8 $21 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

FRIDAY MAR 8 $21 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY

MORE SHOWS

STAR & Shock KEEGAN SMITHDANTE’S, 2/9 THEATER Kultur WWW.DANTESLIVE.COM GRANDE ROYALE 3/7 Electric Six OR CALL 503-345-7892

MORE SHOWS SHOWS

STAR THEATER, DANTE’S AND JAN 3 - BOYEURISM www.StarTheaterPortland. JAN 4 - PYNNACLES ORBEATLES CALL 503-345-7892 OF ROCK PERFORMS - SCHOOL JAN 5 - EARLY 3PMDEC 28 - THE BITTER ROOTSTHE JAN 5 - RAMBLEDEC ON PERFORMS “LED ZEPPELIN IV” 29 MBRASCATU TICKETS AVAILABLE AT WITH BEASTIE BOYS TRIBUTE JAN 11 BERGAMOT BURLESQUE LEGENDS SHOW DEC 31 ABNEY PARK & WANDERLUST CIRCUS THE 20-YEAR DANTE’S, STAR THEATER & - OLD RUSSIAN JAN 12 YEAR WITH CHERVONA JAN 3 -NEW BOYEURISM ANNIVERSARY WWW.DANTESLIVE.COM JAN 18 - ROSEHIP REVUE 3RD ANNIVERSARY SHOW JAN 4 - PYNNACLES OF OR CALL 503-345-7892 JAN 26 - APPETITE JAN 26 EARLY 3PM - SCHOOL OF ROCK PERFORMS THE BEA JANFOR 5 -DECEPTION FEB 1 - CODY CHESTNUTT JAN 5 - RAMBLE ON PERFORMS “LED ZEPPELIN IV” FEB 2 - JUST PEOPLE CD-RELEASE JAN 11 BERGAMOT BURLESQUE LEGENDS SHOW $18 ADV THE 20-YEAR 9:30PM FEB 8 - FEDERALE JAN 12 - OLD RUSSIAN NEW YEAR WITH CHERVONA ANNIVERSARY FEB 14 - STONE JAN IN LOVE 18 - ROSEHIP REVUE 3RD ANNIVERSARY SHOW OF FEB 16 - ZZ WARD DELTA RAE JAN&26 - APPETITE FOR DECEPTION JAN 26 JERAD FINCK & 7 HORSE MAR 8 - KMFDM FEB 1 - CODY CHESTNUTT FEB 2 - JUST PEOPLE CD RELEASE $18 ADV 9:30PM FEB 8 - FEDERALE FEB 14 - STONE IN LOVE FEB 16 - ZZ WARD & DELTA RAE JERAD FINCK & 7 HORSE MAR 8 - KMFDM

TONY SMILEY

SATURDAY GRANDE ROYALE

dada dada A STEAMPUNK NEW YEAR’S EVE MONDAY DEC 31 ABNEY STAR THEATER PARK

SATURDAY

WANDERLUST CIRCUS JENNY PENNY

$30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT 9PM SHOWTIME ALL-AGES + BAR 21+

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 21


Music

PETUNIA AND THE VIPERS Mississippi Studios, 12/27

Live Music

LISTINGS WEDNESDAY 12/26

AL’S DEN—Redwood Son, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Second Player Score, Swim Atlantic, Give it FM, 9:30 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Henry Hill Kammerer, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Nicole Glover, 7 pm BUFFALO GAP—Andy Stokes, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Ryan Sollee, Nick Jaina, Paleo, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Muriel Stanton, 7 pm, free; Radical Revolution, Last 7 pm, free EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic JADE LOUNGE—Karyn Patridge, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Mary Flower Trio, 7 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, noon, all ages; Sam Hirsch, Hank Hirsch, Harry McKenzie, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages RED & BLACK CAFE—Music for the Working Class, 7 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris: Lost & Found, 9 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—6th Annual Bachxing Day: Classical Revolution PDX, 9 pm WILF’S—Ron Steen, Laura Stillwell, 7:30 pm

THURSDAY 12/27 AL’S DEN—Redwood Son, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Borikuas, 7 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Acoustic Village, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Siren’s Echo, Eastern Sunz, Monster’s Ink, Eminent, 9:30 pm, $6 BACKSPACE—The Sorry Devils, Jacob Miller & the Bridge City Crooners, Right on John, 9 pm, $7, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Josh Bigg, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Steve Bradley, Jim Mesi, 7 pm CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Kokichi Tagawa, 8 pm CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Beats Antique, 9 pm, $25-30, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Emily Wells, Timmy Straw, 9 pm, $12-14 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Bluestar, 9 pm, $3 EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Oh Darling, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Julian’s Ride, No Hero, 9 pm, $6 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm

22 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Deal, Kinetic Emcees, DJ Tan’t, 9 pm, $5 HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm JADE LOUNGE—Scott Deams, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—42 Ford Prefect, Vacillators, Smash Bandits, 9 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 6 pm; The Pickups, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jimmy Boyer Band, 9:30 pm THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Tobias, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Petunia & The Vipers, What Hearts, 9 pm, $12 O’CONNORS VAULT—Kathy James Sextet, 7 pm, $5 THE PRESS CLUB—Coconino Trio, 8 pm RED ROOM—Yo Adrian, Secnd Best, Rabble Rouser, 9 pm, free RETRO RHYTHM—Ron Steen, 8 pm, free THE SECRET SOCIETY—Hack, Stitch & Buckshot, 6 pm, free, all ages SHAKER AND VINE—Koshanin, 8 pm, free SLABTOWN—Lucifer’s Child, The Daggers, 9 pm THE SPARE ROOM—Open Mic, 9:30 pm TAPALAYA—Milneburg Jazz Band, 6 pm, free TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free ★ TONIC LOUNGE—And And And, The We Shared Milk, Pictorials, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Everything’s Jake, 8:30 pm, $5 WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Steve Hale, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ellen, Gene & Jean, 7:30 pm WONDER BALLROOM—Seven Lions, Zebo, 7 pm, $18.50-25

FRIDAY 12/28 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Jerry Joseph & The Jackmormons, 9 pm, $15 AL’S DEN—Redwood Son, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Dan Diresta, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Fluid Spill, Gnosis, A Killing Dove, The Charlie Darwins, 9:30 pm, $5 ★ BACKSPACE—The Taxpayers, No Gentlemen, Youngins, 9 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Sam Eliad, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Billy D & The Hoodoos, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Bridgetown Sextet, 9 pm ★ BRANX—Larry & His Flask, Dirty Kid Discount, Hopeless Jack & The Handsome Devils, Ether Circus, 8 pm, $10, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Eddie Parente Trio, 8 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Andre St. James, 8 pm CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ CLUB 21—Don’t, The Bloodtypes, The Ransom, 10 pm, free CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Beats Antique, 9 pm, $25-30, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Reva Devito, Natasha Kmeto, DJ K. Marie, 9 pm, $8 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Chad Rupp, Hank Shreve, Ben Rice, Matt Potts, 9 pm, $7 EAST BURN—Solovox, 10 pm, free EAST END—Ion Storm, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Colleen Raney, 7 pm, free GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—Norman Sylvester, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—P.L. Young, Quinn Blodgett, 6 pm, free; Murietta, McDougall, 8:30 pm, $6 HOTEL FIFTY—Stephanie Cooke, Dana Elizabeth, 8 pm, free


(5 0 3) 2 3 2 - 0 0 5 6 Music

www.eastendpdx.net

WEDS. 12/26 - THE ECLECTIC SOUNDS OF DJ COURIER THURS. 12/27 - NO SWEAT

ONUINU Rotture, 12/31

Live Music

LISTINGS

JADE LOUNGE—Jeff Donovan, Krystyn Pixton, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Kari Newhouse, The Druthers, Brownish Black, Ty Curtis Band, 8 pm, $10 KELLS—Pass the Whiskey, 9:30 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Damn Divas, 9 pm, $5 ★ THE KNOW—Toys That Kill, Divers, Faster Housecat, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—WC Beck, 6 pm; Countryside Ride, 9 pm LANGANO LOUNGE—Gregory Miles Harris, Audie Darling, 8 pm, free LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Alice Stuart, 6 pm; Garcia Birthday Band, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Applicants, 6 pm; The Dust Settlers, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Ital, Acid Farm, Dasani Reboot, 9 pm, $10 MOCK CREST TAVERN—The Adequates, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Jersey Rising West: A Benefit for Sandy Survivors: Mystic Canyon, Jimi Hardin & Friends, Ninja Hippie, 8:30 pm MUDDY RUDDER—Bass Mandolin, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—John Bunzow Band, 8:30 pm, $5 PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Lock Stock & Barrel, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—Everything’s Jake, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—Christian Profeta, La Dona, 8 pm RED ROOM—8 Ohm Prophet, Kris Ashby, Wormbag, Not Sure, AC Lov Ring, 9 pm, $5 RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Brent Martens, 6:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Slow Children, 9 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—Pete Krebs & His Portland Playboys, 6 pm, free, all ages ★ SLABTOWN—No Tomorrow Boys, The Cry, Stumblebum, A Happy Death, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—City Squirrel, Foxtrot, Reign the Arcade, 9 pm STAR THEATER—The Bitter Roots, 9 pm THE TARDIS ROOM—Arthur Moore, 8 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Neil Diamond Tribute Holiday Special: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $16 VIE DE BOHEME—Acoustic Minds, The Sale, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Garcia Birthday Band, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Tony Pacini Trio, 7:30 pm

SATURDAY 12/29 AL’S DEN—Redwood Son, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Shelter Red, Ancient Warlocks, Spatia, 9:30 pm, $6 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—29 Steps, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ron Stephens & Freak Flag Fly, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Nix, 9 pm BRANX—Finish Ticket, Koruscant Weekend, Ninja Turtle Ninja Tiger, Fringe Class, 8 pm, $7, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—The Martens Combination, 8 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Tummybuckles, 8 pm, free CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Railroad Earth, Tumbleweed Wanderers, 8 pm, $25-30, all ages DANTE’S—The Spazmatics, The Afrodisiacs, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—Supersuckers, Burn the Stage, 9 pm, $12-14 DUFF’S GARAGE—Ken Derouchie Band, 9 pm EAST BURN—The Oh My Mys, 10 pm, free

★ EAST END—No Tomorrow Boys, The Cry, Don Juan Y Los Blancos, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Will Kinky, 7 pm, free ★ FOGGY NOTION—Little Lord Fauntleroy, M.A.R.C., Hearts of Plaid, 9 pm, $3 GOODFOOT—The Quick & Easy Boys, Eldridge Gravy & Court Supreme, 9 pm, $8 GOTHAM TAVERN—The Disappointments, 9 pm GRACE MEMORIAL EPISCOPAL CHURCH—A Spotless Rose: Christmas with the Ensemble, 8 pm, $15-20 HALIBUT’S—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm, free ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Pierced Arrows, The Suicide Notes, 7:30 pm, $8 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Abnorms, Kings & Vagabonds, The Fabulous Bad Cats, 9 pm, $5 JADE LOUNGE—Renee Muzquiz, Gaea, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Linda Hornbuckle Band, Andy Stokes, 8 pm, $10 KELLS—Pass the Whiskey, 9:30 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Bevelers, Lynnae Gryffin, 9 pm, $5 THE KNOW—Salted, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Shorty & The Mustangs, 9 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—James Low Western Front, 6 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Petty Cash, 4 pm, all ages; The Darlin’ Blackbirds, 6 pm; Love Bomb Go Go, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Jerry Joseph & The Jackmormons, Truckstop Darlin’, 9 pm, $15-17 MOCK CREST TAVERN—DC Malone & The Jones, 9 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm NORSE HALL—Christa Burch, 8 pm, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Clay Chambers & the Last Ride, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—Discovery Music Series: Meester & Meester, Greg Ewer, Michael Papillo, 9 pm RECORD ROOM—Abusive Consumer, Jatun, Sun Hammer, 8 pm RED ROOM—Year of the Wolf, Chase the Shakes, Krix, 9 pm, $3 REVIVAL DRUM SHOP—Loren Chasse, Marcus Fischer, 8 pm, $5-15 RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Tracy Kim, Doug Bundy, 6:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Travis Petersen, 9 pm ROTTURE—Alaska Thunderfuck, Jinkx Monsoon, Carla Rossi, Little Tommy Bang Bang, Kaj-Anne Pepper, 9 pm, $8 THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Clambake Combo, 6 pm, free, all ages SHAKER AND VINE—Haley Horsfall, Jay Haser, 8 pm, $5 THE SPARE ROOM—DC Malone & The Jones, 9 pm, free; The Way Downs, 9 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—Mbrascatu, 9 pm, free TIGER BAR—Set in Stone, 9 pm, $5 TONY STARLIGHT’S—The Best of the Tony Starlight Show: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $15 VIE DE BOHEME—Cameron Quick, 6 pm; Tommy Hogan Band, 9 pm, $5 THE WAYPOST—Everybody’s Robots, Reign the Arcade, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Justin Rayfield, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Devin Phillips Quartet, 7:30 pm

SAT. 12/29 - NO TOMORROW BOYS, DON JUAN LOS BLANCOS PATAHA HISS, THEE FOUR TEENS, RAY CHARLES CAKEWALK MON. 12/31 - NEW YEARS EVE - FEATURING

PERFORMANCES BY BAUHAUS - THE CURE - THE SMITHS (TRIBUTEBANDS)

SUNDAY 12/30 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Storm Large, 8 pm, $50 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—The Bobs After Christmas Holiday Show: The Bobs, 7:30 pm, $20-22 ★ AL’S DEN—Matt Brown, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Good Wolf, Jibstick, Secnd Best, Sleepy Creek, 9 pm, $3 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Pete Petersen, 8 pm

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 23


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

24 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

COME CELEBRATE WITH US ON OUR 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY NEW YEARS PARTY

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 25

CO WI

A NEW


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

26 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

New Year’s Eve Extravaganza!

Champagne Sabering at Midnight! • Six Foot Flowing Champagne Tower

FREE Chocolate Buffet! 10PM - 2AM

2225 E. Burnside St. • 971.271.7166

TRIPLE NICKEL NO COVER!!!

3646 SE Belmont Singin g Dancin & c on t e s g ts prizes for a giveaw nd ay s !

s, 3 8 b e er nd a , s cider on wine tap!!

Dance, Sing, and Toast to new beginnings with us this

New Year’s Eve! en KJ Chris Gre use ho e th will be in and n fu ur yo to triple ar ye w ne bring in the ! ng ba with a

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 27


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

Open on New years day 9am - 4pm

READY FOR A GOOD TIME? (we are)

north  williams   28 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

New Year’s Eve 2012


NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE

New Year's Eve Party! No cover.

Vinylogy will be mixing beats all night

$15 bottles of champagne and drink specials.

MON 12/31 -NEW YEARS EVE!!!! THE SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW

SUN 12/30 QUICK & EASY BOYS SAT 12/29 -QUICK & EASY BOYS ELDRIDGE GRAVY & THE COURT SUPREME FRI 12/28 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 12/27 - JULIAN’S RIDE, NO HERO WED 1/2 - PHILLY’S PHUNKESTRA FRI 1/4- DJ MAGNETO & FRIENDS SAT 1/5- McTUFF MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 1/8 - THE ROSELAND HUNTERS (Damien Erskine, Michael Quimby, Reinhard Melz)

GOODFOOT irs upsta aily d open :30 2 5 s stair downn at 9 ope w nights o on sh

2845 SE STARK * WWW.THEGOODFOOT.COM * 503.239.9292

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 29


VERY VERY IMPORTANT NEWS About Your Portland Mercury Newspaper

Music

REQUIRED VIEWING

TYPHOON Mississippi Studios, 12/31

Live Music

LISTINGS

CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Railroad Earth, Fruition, 8 pm, $25-30, all ages DANTE’S—Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Radiation City, Ancient Heat, 9 pm, $10-12 EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Jon Koonce, 5 pm, free ETHOS/IFCC—Lisa’s Hotcakes, Piefight!, Lather Rinse Repeat, 7:30 pm, $5-10 FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, noon, free, all ages GOODFOOT—The Quick & Easy Boys, 9 pm, $8 JADE LOUNGE—Soulful Sundays: Morgan Quin, 7 pm KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray, Ian Miller, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free LV’S—Blues, Brews & BBQ, 6 pm MIGRATION BREWING—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Collin Warren, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Jerry Joseph & The Jackmormons, Polyrhythmics, 9 pm, $15-17 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—The Bobs, 3 pm, free, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Wind it Up 2012: The Woolen Men, The Memories, Charts, Regular Music, JAAXXNN, Wooden Indian Burial Ground, 6 pm ROTTURE—Branes, Concrete Floor, Jizz Wisard, FreaqMasons, 9:30 pm, $5 SLABTOWN—Blood Buddies, Sharks from Mars, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hive: DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Skully, DJ Waisted, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free STARKY’S—Stark Raving Queens, 6:45 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Gary Smith’s Mardi Gras AllStars, 5 pm, $8

MONDAY 12/31 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Storm Large, 10 pm, $75 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—David Grisman Bluegrass Experience, Shook Twins, 7 pm, $40-50; David Grisman Bluegrass Experience, Shook Twins, 10 pm, $45-55 ★ AL’S DEN—Matt Brown, 7 pm, free ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Pink Martini, Portland Youth Philharmonic, 10:30 pm, $45.50-105, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Raise the Bridges, Goodyear, Drawback, Big Bang, Rendered Useless, Ninjas With Syringes, 9 pm, $6 ★ BACKSPACE—New Year’s Eve Bash: Lost Lander, Aan, Dana Buoy, 9 pm, $12-15, all ages BAGDAD THEATER—Jerry Joseph & The Jackmormons, Jeff Crosby & The Refugees, Bret Mosley, 8 pm, $20-25 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Funk Shui, Treefrogs, 9 pm, $10 BLUE DIAMOND—Deep Blue Soul Revue, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Soul Vaccination, 7 pm, $25, all ages; Soul Vaccination, 10 pm, $30 BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Will West & The Friendly Strangers, 9 pm ★ BUNK BAR—Quasi, 9 pm CRYSTAL BALLROOM—2013 New Year’s Eve at the Crystal: Railroad Earth, 8 pm, $55

30 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

INGRID RENAN

DANTE’S—New Year’s Eve Robot & Nurses Ball: Smoochknob, 9 pm, $12 ★ DIG A PONY/UNION PINE—Get in: Magic Mouth, Shy Girls, DJ Cooky Parker, Bobby Dangerous, Hostile Tapeover, Nathan Detroit, DJ Freaky Outty, DJ Jimbo, Sex Life DJs, 8 pm, $15 ★ DOUG FIR—Fir Ball 2013: Weinland NYE Supergroup, The Minus 5, DJ Safi, 9 pm, $22-25 DUFF’S GARAGE—New Year’s Eve Blues Bash: DK Stewart Sextet, Kevin Selfe & The Tornadoes, 9 pm, $20 EDGEFIELD—Polyrhythmics, Polecat, Sonny Hess Trio, 9 pm GOODFOOT—Scott Pemberton Trio, DJ Aquaman, 9 pm, $16 THE GOVERNOR HOTEL—First Annual New Year’s Eve Governor’s Ball: Patrick Lamb, DJ OG-1, 7 pm, $50-150 HALIBUT’S—Jim Wallace, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Hellion, Holy Diver, Highway Star, 8 pm, $8-10 ★ HOLOCENE—New Year’s Eve: Miracles Club, Jeffrey Jerusalem, Brainstorm, Hosannas, Magic Fades, DJ Beyondadoubt, DJ E*Rock, DJ Zack, 9 pm, $18 JIMMY MAK’S—Wheels in the Sky, Excellent Gentlemen, Nicole Berke, 8 pm, $20-25 ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Water & Bodies, Violet Isle, Symmetry/Symmetry, DJ Vinyl Blows, 8 pm, free KENNEDY SCHOOL—Dr. Theopolis, Freak Mountain Ramblers, 9 pm, $20 LANDMARK SALOON—Miller & Sasser, 9 pm, $5 ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Two Beers Veirs New Years: Laura Veirs, Nate Query, John Moen, Jon Neufeld, Annalisa Tornfelt, Luz Elena Mendoza, Garth Klippert, Mike Coykendall, Virginia Brooks & The Brooks Brothers, 9 pm, $25 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Typhoon, Wild Ones, The Morals, 9 pm, $18-20 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Irish New Year’s Eve: The Chancers, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Pigs On The Wing, System & Station, 8 pm, $12 NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Patrick Harry, Randy Rollofson, 9 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Jack McMahon Band, 8 pm, $10 PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Rodeo Rose, 9 pm, $10 PORTLAND SPIRIT—New Year’s Eve Cruise: Rendezvous, Linda Lee Michelet, 10 pm, $100 RADIO ROOM—The Keplers, Ramune Rocket 3, 9 pm, free RED ROOM—The Mentors, Nekro Drunkz, Compulsive Slasher, Gate of the Gods, Hyborian Rage, 8:30 pm, $10 ★ RED SEA CHURCH—Armageddon Survival Party: Bison Bison, Otis Heat, Child Children, Irie Idea, $10 RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Pete Krebs Trio, 7 pm ★ ROTTURE—Best Option: Onuinu, Stewart Villain, Reva Devito, Roane Namuh, TxE, Illa, DJ Fatboy, 9 pm, $10-15 THE SECRET SOCIETY—Horns & Halos: An Afterlife Masquerade: Saloon Ensemble, Lovebomb Go-Go, 9 pm, $20-25 SHAKER AND VINE—Finn Dixie, 6 pm, $5 ★ SLABTOWN—The Bloodtypes, Chemicals, Fasters, 9 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—New Year’s Eve ’60s Groove Pop Revival & Motown Get Down: The Satin Chaps, Brownish Black, DJ Hippy Joe, Von Tussle, 9 pm, $15 ★ THE SPARE ROOM—The Caleb Klauder Country Band, Barn Door Slammers, 9 pm, $15 ★ STAR BAR—Lord Dying, I Need Lunch, Long Knife, Bi Marks, 9 pm, free STAR THEATER—Wanderlust Circus, Jenny Penny, 9 pm, $30 TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Dinner for Wolves, Go Ballistic, Advisory, 9:30 pm


Music

★ TONY STARLIGHT’S—New Year’s Eve with Tony’s AM Gold Show: Tony Starlight, 10:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Blues Tsunami: Terry Robb, Lloyd Jones, Mitch Kashmar, La Rhonda Steele, 9 pm, $24-28 ★ WHITE EAGLE—The Parson Red Heads, Ozarks, Josh & Mer, 9:30 pm, $12-15

TUESDAY 1/1 ★ AL’S DEN—Matt Brown, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Honky Tonk Union, 8 pm MOCK CREST TAVERN—Johnnie Ward & The Eagle Ridin’ Papas, 8:30 pm VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm WHITE EAGLE—Bottlecap Boys, 8:30 pm, free

DJ LISTINGS WEDNESDAY 12/26

BEECH ST. PARLOR—Mudslide McBride CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—Put Your Head Out: DJ 60/40 CROWN ROOM—Proper Movement: Desero, Vein, 4 Horsemen, Torrent, ZK, Most Hated, Azazel, 10 pm, free ★ DIG A PONY—Pussy Control: Nathan Detroit, Black Dog, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Overcol, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Sweet Relish TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—Muscle Milk: Bianca Radd, Ill Camino, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—Sister Sister, 9 pm

THURSDAY 12/27 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Old Frontier CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—Bicephonics: DJ Rema, DJ Anna, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free DIG A PONY—Newrotics, 9 pm ★ EAST END—Drunk Dad, Emotional, Jerry Rogers, Sewers of Paris, DJ Overcol, 9 pm, $5 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Dirty Red, 10 pm SWIFT LOUNGE—DJ Drew Groove TIGA—DJ Cuica TUBE—Big Trouble in Little Chinatown: DJ Zimmie, Dev From Above, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40

FRIDAY 12/28 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Soulbowl BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Dev From Above: DJ TJ, 9 pm, $5 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ Jimbo, 10 pm ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ A-Train, 10 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—DJ Notaz, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Snap! ’90s Dance Party: Doc Adam, Colin Jones, DJ Freaky Outty, 9 pm, $3 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—Skullfuck: DJ Horrid, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—MonkeyTek, Gulls, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ROTTURE—Blown: Nicky Mason, Rap Class, Mode 7, D. Poetica, 9 pm, $5

SAUCEBOX—HomoDeluxe: Roy G Biv, Mr. Charming, 9 pm, free STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Paultimore, 10 pm ★ TIGA—Beacon Sound TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Hood Rich: Ronin Roc, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Hwy 7, 9 pm

SATURDAY 12/29 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BERBATI—DJ Kypros, 9:30 pm, $5 CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Trap Funeral: Sinjin Hawke, Barisone, Cestladore, Most Custom, Gang $ign$, 9 pm, $7-10 DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Sex Life DJs, 10 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—DJ Sonero, Last 9:30 pm GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ GROOVE SUITE—After Dark HOLOCENE—Jai Ho! Glow Blacklight Dance Party: DJ Prashant, Brett Bell, DJ UV, 9 pm, $10 JONES—’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu STAR BAR—Go French Yourself: DJ Cecilia Paris, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Rndm Noise TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm VALENTINE’S—Consequences Party: New Dadz, Honest John, 9 pm

SUNDAY 12/30 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Super Cardigan Brothers, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free RADIO ROOM—DJ Nature, DJ Stray, 6 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ vs. Nature, Salted, 9 pm

MONDAY 12/31 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Bad Wizard BERBATI—Deff Ro, DJ Kypros, P.K. O.Blivion, Hawn Solo, Mykle Wave, 9:30 pm ★ BOSSANOVA BALLROOM—New Year’s Eve Dance Party Extravaganza: DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid, 8 pm, $15 CLUB 21—DJ Cecilia, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Doc Adam, #MostCustom, Gang $ign$, Kellan, DJ Rad, 9 pm, $15 EAGLE PORTLAND—Trannyshack NYE: DJ Danimal, Heklina, 10 pm, $8 EAST BURN—5th Anniversary New Year’s Eve Celebration: DJ Gray Matter, 10 pm, $10 ESCAPE—New Year’s Eve Dance Party: DJ WildFire, 8 pm, free ★ GROUND KONTROL—20XX NYE Free Play Party: DJ Epor, Capcom, 5 pm, $15 ★ HOLOCENE—NYE Pre-Party Cocktail Hour: Pennington, Wyland Duo, DJ Beyondadoubt, 7:30 pm, $25 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Tom Jones, Erica Jones, DJ Horrid, 9 pm MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Blackhawk, Every other 10 pm, free SUKI’S BAR & GRILL—DJ Ikon TIGA—KM Fizzy, Sweet Jimmy T, DJ Jen O ★ VALENTINE’S—NYE Bash: DJ Nine Inch Nilina, DJ Uptown Alley, 9 pm, free WONDER BALLROOM—New Year’s Eve ‘80s Video Dance Attack, 9 pm, $17 ★ YU CONTEMPORARY—Egyptian Lover, Jamie Jupiter, Etbonz, White Rainbow, Maxx Bass, 9 pm, $15-20

TUESDAY 1/1 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Tom Waits Night: DJ Full of Bourbon, 8 pm; Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm

503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com

8pm doors/ 9pm show BarBar all ages until 9pm 21+ unless otherwise noted

An infectious blend of hillbilly, boogie and western swing

PETUNIA AND

Ambient house music from Brooklyn wunderkind

THE VIPERS

ITAL

WHAT HEARTS

ACID FARM DASANI REBOOT

Thu, Dec 27

$12 Adv

— TWO NIGHTS —

Soulfulness and swagger return with Jerry Joseph for a New Year’s Eve pre-celebration

JERRY JOSEPH &

THE JACKMORMONS

Sat, Dec 29 $15 Adv TRUCKSTOP DARLIN’ Sun, Dec 30 $15 Adv POLYRHYTHMICS

Fri, Dec 28

A New Year’s Eve of indie-rock symphony

TYPHOON WILD ONES THE MORALS

Mon Dec 31

Bubblin Presents: Eclectic dance-infused electronic music

DANNY CORN (PDNEXT)

$5 Adv

Jack Daniels Presents Mississippin’ with: Acoustic and alt-country from a trio of talents

DKOTA

FEDERALE THE UPSIDEDOWN THE PURRS

Sat, Jan 5

$5 Adv

$10 Adv

Transcendental guitar from multi-talented artist of the Sun City Girls

SIR RICHARD BISHOP

AUDIOS AMIGOS BEN VON WILDENHAUS

MELVILLE • SPIRIT LAKE

Thu, Jan 10

$18 Adv

A lively resurgence of the music from the 1960’s Italian-made Western films

GULLS (BOOMARM NATION) JOSH T & DRUMPLESTILTSKIN (VINYLOGY) LINCOLNUP (BUBBLIN) BEN TACTIC (BUBBLIN/THINK2WICE)

Fri, Jan 4 9pmDoors/10pmShow

$10 Adv

Fri, Jan 11

$10 Adv

An authentic Seattle voice of jazz, blues, and rock

A delectable dance party

Sat, Jan 12 6:30pmDoors/7pmShow $10 Adv

Sat, Jan 12

Hip-hop at it’s finest from local tastemakers

OPBMusic Presents PDX/Rx: Experimental and innovative pop from Portland tastemakers

PAULA BOGGS BAND

TxE

Coming Soon... 1/16: BIRDS OF CHICAGO 1/17: RANDY ROGERS BAND 1/18: DENVER 1/19: THEMES 1/20: JENNIFER O’CONNOR 1/23: KEN STRINGFELLOW 1/24: THE PARSON RED HEADS

$5 DoS

AND AND AND

VINNIE DEWAYNE

Sun, Jan 13

10pm-2am

$6 Adv

OHIOAN SUN ANGLE Tue, Jan 15

1/25: PBR PRESENTS: CITIES 1/26: CAT DOORMAN (EARLY) 1/26: ELEPHANT REVIVAL (LATE) 1/31: CRUSHED OUT 2/1: REVA DEVITO 2/2: BLACK PRAIRIE 2/3: TUMBLEWEED WANDERERS 2/5: SEAPONY

Free Show

2/6: AAN 2/7: NICKI BLUHM & THE GRAMBLERS 2/9: MRS W/ DJ BEYONDA 2/10: WILD CUB 2/13: UUVVWWZ 2/14: KURT BRAUENOHLER 2/15: STEELHEAD 2/16: KRIS ALLEN

mississippistudios.com December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 31


ND ORTLA P L A GIN Y STYLE I R O ENCH FR

Can Jesus renew us?

 1 NW

6TH

USA AVE

5PM-1:30AM RI/ S AT T• F IGH COCKTAILS N ID ING RV

MON -T H

UR 5P NOW M-M SE

101 1

IE

258 .226.1 • 5 03

.lehappy.com www

AC REˆ P

ER

TAU RES

AR ND B A T RAN

ThinkRenaissance.org

skeleton key tattoo 1729 se hawthorne blvd. 503-233-4292

safe, sterile, friendly custom tattoos walk-ins and by appointment LOW-COST BANKRUPTCY FREE CONSULTATION

KELLY K. BROWN BANKRUPTCY ATTORNEY

503·224·4124 www.kellybrown.com

Stop foreclosure and garnishment Evening and weekend appointments

i

B nk

ww

32 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

e fo re Yo u

To

p.

Th

We are a debt relief agency. We help people file for bankruptcy under the Bankruptcy Code. 520 SW Yamhill · Suite 420 · Portland 97204

Ge

t t h e Fa c t s

.

try es w.c for ityo fvancouver.us/urban


Gossip

News

2012 REVIEW

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

The Year in Arts

2012 Happened. Here’s What We Remember. by Dylan Meconis (art) and Alison Hallett (words)

2012

WAS AN EVENTFUL YEAR for the Portland arts community—it included high-level turnover at major organizations, a voter-approved arts tax, and more than a few moments in the national spotlight. Rather than try to compile a list of the “best” or “most significant” things that 2012 brought, here’s an entirely arbitrary list of some of our personal highlights from the last year.

1

In the 2012 election, Portlanders approved a $35-per-person arts tax to restore arts education to Portland Public Schools, as well as provide support to Portland’s arts organizations. It was a measure strongly supported by departing Mayor Sam Adams, whose support for the arts was a hallmark of his administration.

2

It was a huge year for Portland author Cheryl Strayed: Her best-selling memoir Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail solo, became the first book in Oprah’s new digital book club. She also came out as therumpus.com’s wildly popular online advice columnist Dear Sugar, and released a book of Sugar columns titled Tiny Beautiful Things.

3

Li’l Portland was represented at one of the biggest fashion events in the world, when the band Chromatics was invited to play Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel runway show during Paris Fashion Week.

4

Surprising many in the dance community, Oregon Ballet Theatre’s Christopher Stowell announced his resignation after nine years as artistic director, stating that he is “not the best candidate” to lead the organization under the “new business model” being adopted by the OBT Board of Trustees. His resignation is effective as of the end of December.

5

For the fourth year of their five-year mission, popular summer-theater staple Trek in the Park moved to a larger venue: St Johns’ Cathedral Park. But just as in years past at the smaller Woodlawn Park, the show played to packed crowds every weekend.

6

Portland’s art galleries made a splash on the national scene when the Wall Street Journal wrote a lengthy piece about our alternative art spaces, pointing to venues like Recess Gallery and FalseFront and suggesting that Portland might be poised to become a “new art capital.”

7

Kickstarter emerged as a powerful force in the local publishing scene, particularly for comics creators, who raised nearly $150,000 for projects including a collection of essays and comics from political cartoonist Matt Bors and an autobiographical comic from creator Lucy Bellwood. This last year also saw the Kickstarter-funded establishment of new comics festival the Projects, which invited international comics creators to Portland for a fun, hands-on festival at the Independent Publishing Resource Center’s new location on SE Division. (Oh yeah: The IPRC moved to SE Division!)

8

Social Malpractice Publishing got national attention when the fan-fic collection Fucking James Franco (a collection by writers imagining doing just that) caught the attention of Franco himself, prompting a back-and-forth that went viral.

9

After 25 years at the helm of Artists Repertory Theatre, Artistic Director Allen Nause announced his retirement from the theater, along with his longtime associate artistic director, Jon Kretzu. Thirtyeight-year-old Dámaso Rodriguez is scheduled to take the reins in 2013, ushering in a new creative era at one of Portland’s most successful long-standing arts organizations.

10 11

Haters gonna hate, but Portlandia is renewed for a third season anyway.

Wordstock, Portland’s annual book fair, got a new festival director after the resignation of Greg Netzer—and under the purview of new Festival Director Katie Merritt, Wordstock’s showroom floor saw the addition of a sex-themed “red chair district” (a reference to the festival’s red chair logo).

BONUS:

Portland’s stand-up comedy scene continues to thrive. Let’s play Find the Ian Karmel!

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 33


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Sold Out

by Marjorie Skinner

Best of 2012 Fashion

I

T’S THAT TIME again: time to look back at the year in fashion in Portland and beyond. It was the year that saw creative breakthroughs across mediums (Adam Arnold’s costuming for Oregon Ballet Theatre’s awesome Chromatic Quartet, longtime Portland model Ruth Radelet performing live at the Chanel show in Paris with her band Chromatics), retail gains (the Haberdashery, Table of Contents, Backtalk, Demimonde, Rhapsody, a physical Yo Vintage!, the Shoe Store) and relatively few losses (IDOM, Isaac Hers). There were a slew of successful fashion shows, from Fade to Light to Open Season to a re-branded Portland Fashion Week calling itself FASHIONxt, as well as the broadly encompassing, first-ever Design Week Portland and the third edition of Content. In between were about a million Solestruck parties, more pop-ups than you could shake a stick at, and an overall sense that despite our challenges, the city’s fashion and retail culture is making progress. I personally can’t wait to see what 2013 will bring, but in the meantime, here are the hits of 2012, according to some of our local insiders.

TITO CHOWDHURY executive producer of FASHIONxt, fashionxt.net My favorite style moment was seeing a look from a Portland runway grace a full page of Time magazine’s October 15 issue, and our fashion week event topping the list of fashion weeks in the US outside New York City. My favorite event was obviously FASHIONxt, it being the forerunner of a fashion week event that captured the most contemporary definition of fashion, which is our overall expression. Other reasons [are that it’s] by far the best experience of a fashion show and exhibit in Portland, introducing Portlanders to what a high-end fashion show needs to look like, and what the impact of a fashion show is for a designer or exhibitor. My favorite collections [in terms of ] local exhibits: Michael Costello’s spring/summer 2013 collection for its grace and beauty, and Seth Aaron’s fall 2013 collection for a change in his creative direction.

CHARLOTTE REICH owner of Palace, palacestore.com My favorites from 2012: Hansel from Basel socks and bright socks matched with monochromatic apparel; friendship bracelets; women’s preppy/tomboy styling; sheer blouses; Peter Pan collars, and rayon. Locally killing it: Stone and Honey, Hazel Cox, Bridge & Burn, OLO Fragrance, and BOET.

ELIZABETH MOLLO fashion show producer, MOD contributor, mod.portlandmercury.com For me, 2012 was all about learning about what we wear, where it comes from, and how it’s made. With the release of Overdressed:

Fashion Food

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

The Shockingly High Cost of Cheap Fashion and various tragic/unflattering news stories that reveal the true nature about the apparel industry, I think the general public, albeit slowly, is finally becoming aware of why what they buy is so cheap and the devastating repercussions fast fashion has on the people who work in the factories, the economy, the environment, and our sense of style here and around the world. This awakening has led some of the world’s biggest companies (H&M, Zara, etc.) to change their policies and become more ethical in the way they produce their clothing, but we still have a long way to go.

CRISPIN ARGENTO owner of Pino, pinoportland.com Books: Overdressed: The Shockingly High Cost of Cheap Fashion; Grace: A Memoir by Grace Coddington; Fashion and Sustainability by Kate Fletcher and Lynda Grose; and Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon (copy everything—Tom Ford knows that!). Men’s fashion: Burberry Prorsum; Michael Bastian; leather jackets, updated Fonzie/ James Dean; blue; gray; and the trim suit, not 1960s, it’s modern, new, clean, trim, in bold colors and patterns. Women’s fashion: the return of Jil Sander to Jil Sander (YES!); Marc Jacobs/Louis Vuitton spring/summer 2013; mod look, stripes and checkers; Chanel (Karl is still king); and Helmut Newton.

LINDSEY REIF designer and owner of Reif Haus, reif-haus.com Nontraditional hair colors: I love seeing ladies with amazing pastel locks. It’s refreshing to see alternative hair colors look so chic, and hopefully it will pave the way for even more crazy hair colors! Statement lipstick: Nontraditional lipstick colors also made it to the forefront this year, and I’m very happy about it. Locally we have Portland Black Lipstick Co., which makes every color under the sun. I love pairing a crazy shade of lipstick with a super simple outfit—it’s like the easiest way to make an outfit special. Lucite! I’ve seen so many amazing lucite accessories this season, and I am obsessed with shoes with lucite heels. I love things that are see-through or sheer—it’s a great way to create texture and it lends a futuristic feel to any outfit. Fave collections: I love Alexander Wang’s spring/summer 2013 collection, and of course Ann Demeulemeester as well. I am always attracted to designers that can create something amazing without too many bells and whistles. That’s the mark of a good designer, in my opinion.

MARIANNE SCHNELL style blogger, thestyletrial.com The Portland scene in 2012 was all about this Ziggy Stardust rocker-meets-whimsical fairy look with its sheer high-low skirts and cutout tops paired with clunky booties, wild manis, and color-streaked hair. Frankly, I couldn’t be happier to watch these trends wash away. @MJSkinner800 on Twitter

THIS WEEK ON THE MERCURY ’S FASHION BLOG mod.portlandmercury.com Shopping

34 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

IT'S COLD AND UGLY OUT THERE.

STAY IN AND LOOK AT PRETTY THINGS.


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food Food

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

Last Supper REALITY CHECK Where I Spent My Own Money in 2012 by Chris Onstad

Cibo

O

Cedo’s NOLAN CALISCH

NE CENTRAL CONFLICT of professional restaurant writers is that our dining life is nothing like a normal one—yet we are ostensibly writing for everyone. We don’t spend our own money, we go out five nights a week, and we don’t go to a place just to satisfy ourselves—we try to assess it for a variety of lifestyles and tastes. Restaurants are work foremost, then pleasure. So where do I actually return with my own money, once the review is done? Where do I go that never was or never will be up for review? What happens in real life, when I just want to be happy someplace? Here at year-end, after 40-odd critiques, I’d like to tell you about the places I rely on—where I go when I want a sure thing, a quiet booth, or to do something professionally forbidden: to be known by the house, to experience hospitality based on familiarity. The point of a restaurant, to me, is to feel like I’m at home, like I’m cared for. Many people can cook great food, but fewer can become a part of my life by way of the warmth and sincerity of their intentions.

Smallwares

4605 NE Fremont I take my seven-year-old daughter to Smallwares every Thursday after school. This isn’t to broaden her palate with Johanna Ware’s masterpieces of culturally unrestricted five-point flavor; she will have none of it. She gets the $1 rice, the $1 noodles, and the $1 broth (I usually just go for the $10 lemongrass pork banh mi). We only see each other a couple times a week, so I treat her to a Shirley Temple and a Scotch pudding. They know her order by heart. I love that, and I know she’ll remember the way she was treated on our little dates there for the rest of her life.

Cibo

3539 SE Division What Marco Frattaroli did right here is dead simple: solid Italian food in a classy dining room with prices so reasonable I can go there on a whim. The $14 hanger steak with rosemary-scented fried potatoes would be $10 more anywhere else, and the $5 happy hour margherita pizza painlessly rounds things out. The waiter often assumes the role of a fellow father who is complicit in providing the theater necessary to get little kids to eat—a gesture so appreciated that if I ever go there and they’re closed, I’ll just nail my money to the door.

Stanich’s

4915 NE Fremont Stanich’s has been serving griddled, loaded burgers with American cheese (white or yellow?) since before my father was born. The endless flow of human souls through the old room has

Tanuki CHRIS ONSTAD

ELIZA SOHN

worn even the gravity thin; you don’t visit so much as sink in, calm down, and lose your ego. It’s like being five, 60, and Buddha at the same time.

Pause

5101 N Interstate Pause doesn’t get a lot of press, but they make one of the most substantial and well-grilled cheeseburgers in town. My girlfriend and I split this, a hefty Reuben, and the pile of thick, handcut fries that amasses between them. If you try this food, you will say thank you. Maybe not to me, but to whoever is standing in the vicinity.

Tanuki

8029 SE Stark No review has ever gotten this place right. It’s the embodiment of its owner/operator, and this owner/ operator has the strength of an ox and a 12-gauge personality. She’s also deeply loyal, a sharp judge of character, and a world-class slinger of tantan udon in spicy chicken peanut sauce. When Janis Martin is dead, she will be a religion, and Stark Street will be renamed Toad Pain Panty Hunger Street, or something else from her DVD catalog.

 

 

Cedo’s Falafel and Gyros 3901 NE MLK

Their falafel and gyros somehow seem to have gotten even better since my initial review in May: bigger, prettier, more flavorful. I love going back to a place after the first romance is over and finding that it wasn’t all in my mind.

     Â?Â? Â? Â?Â?Â?Â?Â? Â? Â?   Â? Â?  

Salt & Straw

2035 NE Alberta & 838 NW 23rd Salt & Straw’s roster of ice creams is updated many times each season. That kind of aggressive risk-taking, especially when built on collaborations with ambitious local chefs, has led to unique and successful new flavors. (Aviary’s toasted coconut ice cream with cracked sesame toffee and boysenberry ginger jam comes to mind.) Once a week, however, I just get a “walkin’-around scoop� of their almond brittle with thick, chewy, salted chocolate ganache.

The list of shoutouts could go on and on, but I’m running out of space and have to start with the honorable mentions. Pyro Pizza’s wood-fired pies. Meet BBQ’s Kansas City-style ribs. Sok Sab Bai’s $5 Cambodian sandwich. Double Dragon’s banh mi. Lincoln for happy hour patty melts and onion rings. George’s fried chicken. Many of these places will be on the next yearend roundup and the one after that, but I’m looking forward to discovering their competition, and sharing it with you.

Find restaurants, bars, and reader reviews at portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 35


W E N K! LOO

NEW ! Y A D

Shit.) d l O e (Sam

Now on Wednesdays!

It’s an Irvington thing

New Year’s Eve Paella

Two Seatings 5pm, 4 courses - $30

Antipasti, lobster bisque, Seafood Paella and dessert

9pm, 7 courses - $45

Two separately plated starters, lobster bisque, Arugula salad, Seafood paella, after dinner cheese course, final dessert

36 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

Dinners Tuesdays-Sundays Lunch 7 Days a Week Saturday & Sunday Brunch Make your Reservations today Call for more details

503-360-1048 1411 NE Broadway


Film

Y

Chatum Alert!

Hereafter, Let Us Refer to 2012 as “The Year of Channing Tatum” by Erik Henriksen

ET AGAIN, eating, sleeping, and girls managed to foil my illadvised plans of seeing Every Movie Released in 2012—but I still saw way too many of them. (Congrats, me! I guess?) These were the best ones, and this is a list many of you will take umbrage with. Umbrage away, jerks, and hit the comments on portlandmercury.com to remind me (and everybody else) about the great movies in 2012 that I forgot about. (Note: No, I did not forget about Les Misérables.) 15. Moonrise Kingdom (dir. Wes Anderson)—This thing started off like a parody of a Wes Anderson movie—as even-more-precious-than-usual production design collided with precocious Boy Scouts hiking around, I wondered if it should’ve been titled Twee Patrol—but then something great happened: It steadily, sneakily turned into a very, very good Wes Anderson movie and an earnest, sweet story about two kids in love. Say what you will about Anderson’s affectations, but he makes them pay off in ways few others can.

tic comedies are generally cynical, soul-sucking sitcoms. This one is great. 7. Beasts of the Southern Wild (dir. Benh Zeitlin)—On one hand, it might as well have been titled Squalor Porn About Magical Negroes. On the other hand, Benh Zeitlin still managed to create a phenomenally powerful—and visually staggering—film about both Katrina and childhood. 6. The Master (dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)—If I were going to pick one movie from 2012 to watch over and over… well, it’d probably be Django Unchained. But The Master would be a close second, because I’m pretty sure nobody—not Paul Thomas Anderson, not Philip Seymour Hoffman, not Amy Adams, not Joaquin Phoenix, not the Thetan Holo-Spirit of L. Ron Hubbard—has figured this one out yet. 21 JUMP STREET Let the erotic fanfic begin.

5. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (dir. Stephen Chbosky)—Not many movies are both heartwarming and heartbreaking; Stephen Chbosky’s adaptation of his own book is. Remarkable and charming and sad and funny, Wallflower reminds you what it felt like to be a teenager, which is a horrific, amazing thing.

14. Looper (dir. Rian Johnson)—The dude behind Brick and The Brothers Bloom made one of the sharpest, darkest, coolest movies of the year—a weird, bold, time-travel action flick starring Bruce Willis and Joseph GordonLevitt as the same guy. 13. 21 Jump Street (dirs. Phil Lord, Chris Miller)—CHATUM ALERT: This is merely the first Channing Tatum film on this list. 2012’s number-one candidate for “Movie Most Likely to Humiliate Everyone Both Onscreen and in the Theater” turned out to be the funniest movie of the year, thanks to whip-smart direction from the guys who made Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and the pairing of Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, who, wow, what a weird sentence this is to write, should really make some more movies together.

4. Killing Them Softly (dir. Andrew Dominik)—A viciously cynical crime thriller that—thanks in no small part to its setting in post-Katrina New Orleans, just as America’s economy implodes—turns out to be greater than the sum of its parts. 3. Django Unchained (dir. Quentin Tarantino)—Quentin Tarantino’s western blaxploitation revenge buddy comedy is an exhilarating, bloody, troubling, messy movie. See it big, see it loud, and cringe and laugh, and know that you won’t be able to get it out of your head. ZERO DARK THIRTY Like Where’s Waldo? but with Osama bin Laden!

2. The Queen of Versailles (dir. Lauren Greenfield)—Lauren Greenfield’s documentary started as a portrait of the obscenely wealthy Siegel family—overlords of a massive time-share business, flaunters of tacky décor, and owners of an under-construction, Versailles-inspired mansion that will be bigger than the White House. But then the economy crashed, so Greenfield’s film became about how the Siegels’ money disappeared. And about how they had to fire their servants. And send their kids to public school. And learn to feed themselves. What started as a movie about wealth became a movie about money— and the people who need it. Who are all of us.

12. Magic Mike (dir. Steven Soderbergh)— CHATUM ALERT: This is the second Channing Tatum film on this list. Steven Soderbergh’s male-stripper movie—inspired by the erotic dalliances of young Mr. Tatum—actually turned out to be Matthew McConaughey’s male-stripper movie. If McConaughey doesn’t win an Oscar for his turn as Dallas—the stripper who’s just like you’d think Matthew McConaughey would be like as a stripper, except so much better—then the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences should be burned to the ground. 11. Haywire (dir. Steven Soderbergh)— CHATUM ALERT: This is the third, and final, Channing Tatum film on this list. Soderbergh’s excellent action flick didn’t get nearly as much love as Magic Mike did. Just goes to show: Even when you have both the amazing Gina Carano and Channing Tatum in a movie, you should probably include a cameo from Matthew McConaughey as Dallas. Just to be safe. 10. Bernie (dir. Richard Linklater)—Here’s an unexpected sentence: Jack Black is fantastic in Bernie, playing a loveable, super-nice guy who just happens to murder an old lady and cram her body in a freezer. Based on a true story, Richard Linklater’s dark comedy was funny and creepy and great—and it featured Matthew McConaughey’s second-best role of

THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES Pictured above: the American dream.

2012! Do you notice a theme emerging? (If you said, “Matthew McConaughey had a great year!” you are close, but incorrect. The correct answer is, “One day Channing Tatum’s face will be on all of our currency.”) 9. The Cabin in the Woods (dir. Drew Goddard)—The rule of horror: 99.99 percent of horror movies are misogynistic bullshit. But that .01 percent? Those are fucking phenomenal. Not only was Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon’s riff on horror movies the clever-

est movie of the year, it was also legitimately scary—and it’ll make you feel better about having watched all those horror movies that fit into the 99.99 percent, too. 8. Safety Not Guaranteed (dir. Colin Trevorrow)—Unexpected and goodhearted, this story of a young reporter (Aubrey Plaza) getting to know a dude who claims to have a working time machine (Mark Duplass) was the smartest romantic comedy of the year. Or the past five years. Or… I don’t know. Roman-

1. Zero Dark Thirty (dir. Kathryn Bigelow)— This won’t open in Portland until January 11. Start bracing yourself now. Kathryn Bigelow’s follow-up to The Hurt Locker is a devastating, uncomfortably thrilling examination of the hunt for Osama bin Laden. Starring Jessica Chastain as an American intelligence operative, Zero Dark Thirty’s already stirred up no shortage of controversy and criticism—almost all of it wrong-headed and beside the point. Like the real world, Zero Dark Thirty is complex and horrific and painted in a dizzying array of grays; it is, at times, the hardest film of the year to watch, but it’s also the one with the most to say, and it pulls off the trick of being relentlessly, aggressively entertaining as it says it. And it does all that, somehow, without either Matthew McConaughey or Channing Tatum.

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 37


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Film Film

Sex

TV

Fun

Film Shorts

PROMISED LAND “Look, I’m just saying the British version didn’t turn to shit after a few seasons, that’s all.”

★ ANNA KARENINA Prediction: Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina is going to be the Speed Racer of literary adaptations—defended by nerds, derided by other nerds, and baffling to the public at large. It’s an audacious interpretation of Leo Tolstoy that’s overstuffed and overflowing with style. I can’t be sure that it’s a good movie—but I was so overwhelmed by its boldness that I can’t deny I kind of loved it. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters. ★ DJANGO UNCHAINED The world’s first western blaxploitation revenge buddy comedy, Django Unchained is one of Quentin Tarantino’s best movies—a brutal, hilarious, thrilling, messy bastard of a thing. It’s the result of Tarantino gleefully making a balls-out western after years of almost doing so, and it’s excellent that he did: The genre hasn’t been served this well since Deadwood, No Country for Old Men, and Red Dead Redemption. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

FILM MOVEMENT: A DECADE TRIBUTE The NW Film Center presents a series of double features, all made up of foreign and independent films distributed by Film Movement. More info: nwfilm.org. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

“milK” an sant, nting” and frOm gus v r Of “gOOd Will Hu directO

FLIGHT A clumsy, preachy, feature-length infomercial for AA. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

ALLy c I t S A t N A F “ Ng! I N I A t R E t N E ing, wonderful film.”

THE GUILT TRIP A mother-son road comedy (mom-com?) starring Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. Is this a Barbra Streisand movie with Seth Rogen in it? Or a Seth Rogen movie with Barbra Streisand in it? (It seems inconceivable that they could really share billing or, for that matter, a significant audience demographic.) In the interests of science, and because I am not history’s greatest monster, I invited my mother to the press screening to see which one of us would like it better. And... we both liked it about the same. Well played, Hollywood! The Guilt Trip isn’t a great movie, but it’s not terrible. (“Just so-so” was my mom’s verdict.) BEN COLEMAN Various Theaters.

A rivet

–FILM.cOM

S AMON hA “MAtt Db tER! t E b N E E R E v E N g! .” ELEctRIFyurIN es of the year st pict One of the be

–cbS-tv

HITCHCOCK

IS tREAt th “A RAREy !” N O LIDA SEAS hO –FOx-tv MON IS “MAtt DA OF At thE tEO!”P hIS gAMOOD LLyw –AccESS hO

frances

The making of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic 1960 horror film Psycho is fodder for this by-the-numbers biopic. Making a movie about one of the most celebrated filmmakers of all time is a dangerous game, and while Hitchcock is competent—and occasionally even breezily entertaining—it mostly plays like a TV movie. NED LANNAMANN Various Theaters.

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY Hal

H HOlBrOOK H deWitt rOsemarie

D N A L D PROMISE JOHn

H KrasinsKi damOn matt

y By JOHn screenpla

H mcdOrmand

s ave egger stOry By d n O m a d nsKi & matt

Krasi

PORTLAND MERCURY_PRL_1227 exclusive engagement starts friday, decemBer 28 PORTLAND Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10 (800) FANDANGO #327

CHECK THEATRE DIRECTORY OR CALL FOR SOUND INFORMATION AND SHOWTIMES

SPECIAL ENGAGEMENT NO PASSES OR DISCOUNT COUPONS ACCEPTED

Regal Fox Tower 26th, Stadium 38 PORTLAND portlandmercury.com December 2012 10 (800) FANDANGO #327 CHECK THEATRE DIRECTORY OR CALL FOR SOUND INFORMATION AND SHOWTIMES

SPECIAL ENGAGEMENT NO PASSES OR DISCOUNT COUPONS ACCEPTED

MERCURYFRIDAY, JANUARY 4 IN THEATRESPORTLAND EVERYWHERE

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” That’s how proto-nerd J.R.R. Tolkien began The Hobbit, his charming children’s book that inspired The Lord of the Rings, one of the most extraordinary doorstops of English literature. Compared to the gloomy, intricate Rings, The Hobbit is a short, fast-paced, goofy adventure. Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, though, is something else: Hollow, meandering, repetitive, and tedious, it covers only the first part of Tolkien’s book, yet somehow feels longer than any of Jackson’s excellent Lord of the Rings films. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ HOLY MOTORS Monsieur Oscar (Denis Lavant) traverses Paris in the back of a massive white limousine. With faithful driver Céline (Edith Scob) at the wheel, and with the limo’s cabin packed with a makeup table and more rubbery prosthetics than Cloud Atlas, Oscar goes to a number of “appointments”—and at each, he drastically changes his face, his hair, his clothes, his mannerisms, his cohorts. First he appears as a privileged businessman, then a filthy, deranged, fucked-up leprechaun; sometimes he’s

a decrepit, panhandling old woman, later he’s a father, an assassin, a guy wearing a motion-capture unitard who goes down on a woman wearing a motion-capture unitard. Holy Motors might very well be brilliant, and it also might very well be 2012’s version of the emperor’s new clothes. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON Bill Murray can do no fucking wrong. His Franklin Delano Roosevelt obviously isn’t the so-good-it’s-scary, soul-deep possession of Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abraham Lincoln. It’s not like you ever forget that he’s Bill Murray. But he’s excellent anyway: He gets the president’s playfulness, his condescending, patrician air, and his inherent inaccessibility, and he makes it his own. His performance is a masterful sketch that looks easier than it probably is. It’s a shame Murray is stuck in the middle of such a pedestrian movie. PAUL CONSTANT Various Theaters.

★ JACK REACHER Werner Herzog plays the villain in a solid, pulpy, funny, Tom Cruise-led adaptation of Lee Child’s thriller One Shot. Here’s something Herzog says in the movie: “I spent my first winter as a prisoner in Siberia wearing a dead man’s coat. I chewed these fingers off before the frostbite could turn to gangrene.” Here is something Tom Cruise says in the movie: “I’m going to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot.” I liked this movie quite a bit. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ KILLING THEM SOFTLY The story of Killing Them Softly is timeless: Here are a bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money. While it’s based on George V. Higgins’ 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, Killing Them Softly feels utterly contemporary—largely because writer/director Andrew Dominik has picked up Higgins’ story and plopped it down a few decades later. Now it plays out in the gray ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans, with a soundtrack of news stories about the 2008 financial crisis leaking from every TV and car radio. Suddenly, that bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money is part of a bigger story. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ A LATE QUARTET At the start of A Late Quartet, Christopher Walken’s character explains to a group of his cello students that Beethoven’s late quartet, Opus 131, is not the standard four movements but instead has seven parts and that you have to play them straight through with no breaks, which causes your instruments to go all out of tune with one another. “It’s a mess,” he says. It’s also a metaphor about how basic entropy affects togetherness. The togetherness, say, of a musical group that’s been playing together for 25 years when the oldest member finds he has Parkinson’s and can’t go on. Walken plays that character. Has he ever been the emotional center of a film before? It’s magical. For much of A Late Quartet, the camera follows the storm of the other characters’ drama—often, melodrama—until it finds a resting place once again on Walken’s alien face, quietly registering the effects of old age. JEN GRAVES Various Theaters.

LES MISÉRABLES

Look, I like Les Misérables. If it was playing at a reputable theater company in Portland this weekend? I would go see it! But good lord, the new movie is garbage. It’s like Trapped in the Closet for white people who aren’t in on the joke. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

★ LIFE OF PI Ang’s Lee’s overblown but nonetheless quite beautiful adaptation of Yann Martel’s 2001 novel of the same name. Like the novel, it’s a parable disguised as an adventure story; like the novel, some people will think it contains

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 28-THURSDAY JANUARY 3, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.


News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Film

Sex

TV

Fun

Film Shorts

JACK REACHER Werner Herzog: A god amongst men.

profound truths, and some will find it unbearably overwrought. Others—me!—will appreciate some of the best 3D we’ve seen to date, and enjoy the adventure despite its self-seriousness. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

LINCOLN

bound to be over praised, but Hunt and Hawkes are so damn good, and the scenes between the two of them so rich in awkward, funny, premature ejaculate-y tenderness, that the strengths of this odd little true story far outweigh its imperfections. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

Oscar bait doesn’t get much more baiting than this: Steven Spielberg directing Daniel Day-Lewis with a Tony Kushner script about the final months of America’s most beloved, tragic president. By and large, Lincoln wanders many of the same paths Spielberg’s other Oscar bait-y films have taken—this one feels particularly like Amistad, though there’s some War Horse in here too. Lincoln is a generally well-made film, but it’s also one stitched together from Day-Lewis’ dramatic monologues and cinematographer Janusz Kaminski’s reverential sepia tones: Even when it tries to humanize Lincoln, it’s mostly just here to reaffirm what a Great Man he was and how he made some Very Important History. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS Martin McDonagh’s feverish story about a drunk screenwriter, Marty (Colin Farrell). And the probably insane Billy (Sam Rockwell). And a charming, doddering dog thief (charming, doddering Christopher Walken), and an Amish sociopath (Harry Dean Stanton), and an exceedingly troubled man with a bunny (Tom Waits), and a trigger-happy crime boss (Woody Harrelson). Things get a bit meta, and they get impressively bloody, and there might be one or two women in it? Briefly? There is definitely a dog in it. This isn’t a movie for everybody, but it’s well aware of that fact, and it’s a hell of a good time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ NEW YEAR’S DAY GRINDHOUSE

MOVIE MARATHON

SHOPLIFTING FROM AMERICAN APPAREL

NOW, FORAGER

“A docudramedy that melds Tao Lin’s autobiographical novel about getting arrested with a film crew’s misadventures with indie filmmaking.” Director in attendance. Clinton Street Theater.

See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Hollywood Theatre. A “tale of love, food and fungi” that the Village Voice called “like Scenes from a Marriage for foodies.” So that’s... troubling. Living Room Theaters..

PARENTAL GUIDANCE Two grandparents (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler) are tasked with taking care of their grandkids. Shenanigans ensue! We did not review this film. Various Theaters.

★ PROMISED LAND Read our review at portlandmercury.com on Friday, December 28. Various Theaters.

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS Based on the beautifully illustrated books of William Joyce, Rise of the Guardians re-imagines the origins of childhood’s greatest heroes (Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman, and the Tooth Fairy) as an Avengers-style team that—in addition to their day jobs—protects the innocence of kids around the world. Alas, three quarters of Guardians involve unnecessary, dizzying action sequences, rather than focusing on building characters, plot, and the subtext of the story. While the ending works, it does so just barely—and makes one long for the great, gorgeous, thoughtful children’s film that Guardians could’ve been. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Various Theaters.

★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN Detroit singer/songwriter Rodriguez released two obscure albums of introspective, Dylanesque agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, then promptly vanished. Documentary filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul picks up his thread in South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music has amassed a huge following over the decades—and where nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man behind the records. If this is the first you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the film. Even if you do know what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. NED LANNAMANN Various Theaters.

★ SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK As someone who’s skeptical of silver linings being an actual thing, so too was I skeptical of Silver Linings Playbook, the would-be feel-good holiday release from I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. Midway through the trailer, I half expected a voiceover to proclaim it was “from the producers of The Blind Side of the Help.” But while the path of this thing seems obvious, the film’s romance sneaks up on you: Russell disguises his love story by shooting Silver Linings Playbook with the same visceral immediacy he brought to The Fighter, cloaking the courtship in the manic energy of mental disorders. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters.

THIS IS 40

Everybody knows that couple. They’re pretty, everybody likes them, and they’re fun to hang out with—until they aren’t, since they’re always fighting. Not screaming, crying, throwing-whatever’s-at-hand fighting, but that sort of passive aggression with just enough tension to make everyone slightly uncomfortable. Spending two hours with them is kind of like watching This Is 40. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ A VERY WES ANDERSON CHRISTMAS While Anderson’s 1996 debut Bottle Rocket is a cult favorite now, at the time it merely hinted at what was to come, and the seeds of the Anderson aesthetic were only just taking root. This should be especially evident for those who partake of all three films at Cinema 21’s “A Very Wes Anderson Christmas.” Watch them in order—Bottle Rocket, Rushmore (1998), and The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)—and observe the evolution of a filmmaker learning to walk on his own two feet. (Wearing carefully chosen, artistically pleasing boots that he designed, no less.) Plus, they’re in 35mm, which a film fetishist like Wes Anderson would likely insist is the most proper viewing method. JAMIE S. RICH Cinema 21.

★ THE SESSIONS Helen Hunt plays Cheryl, who’s been hired to indoctrinate paralyzed writer Mark (John Hawkes) in the ways of S-E-X. Mark contracted polio as a kid, and the iron lung has seriously hindered his game—so after realizing that other disabled people still manage to have sex lives, he contacts Cheryl to figure out just what kind of experiences his paralyzed body is capable of having. The Sessions is

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 28-THURSDAY JANUARY 3, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

Portland’s Historic non-Profit tHeatre

enter taining Por tl and since 1926

4122 NE SaNdy BoulEvard

EVENT HOTLINE: (503) 281-4215

now servInG Beer & wIne. All AGes stIll AdmItted!

FuNNy ovEr EvErytHINg PRESENTS

Matt BrauNgEr XMaS SPECtaCular

FrIdAY decemBer 28 · 8:00pm

tHE grINdHouSE FIlM FEStIval & KuNg Fu tHEatEr PRESENT

New Year’s DaY

GrIndhouse SECrEt MovIE MaratHoN!

a trIPlE FEaturE SurPrISE oF MINd-BloWINg ‘70s CINEMa IN 35mm!

tuesdAY JAnuArY 1 · 3:00 & 5:00 & 7:00 pm See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

w w w .H o l l y

w o o d T H e a T r e . org December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 39


  

Savage Love

  

    



   !" #  $

3 Locations Open 24HRS!!!

by Dan Savage

The Third Wheel

I

just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I’ve asked if it’s okay that we’re fucking, and he said they’re in an open relationship so it’s okay. I asked if it’s okay that we’re in love, and he said yes. So why the secrecy? My lover’s only explanation is that his boyfriend doesn’t want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The whole situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can’t figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he’s not cheating, or that jealousy is an issue for them and that’s why I can’t meet him? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax? The Other Person

M

onogamous couples h a v e one rule about fucking other people—“don’t fuck other people�—but nonmonogamous couples have all sorts of different rules, TOP, and sometimes a particular couple’s particular rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he’s sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship. That said, most couples with a “don’t want to know about the other people you’re fucking� rule—and that’s a pretty common rule—also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they’re fucking. So if it’s against the rules for the guy you’re seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, TOP, odds are good that swapping “I love yous� with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules, too. Someone is being lied to here. Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship or he’s lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with the other guys he fucks. Whichever it is, TOP, I don’t see a future for you with this guy—or much of a future for him and his boyfriend, frankly. But to answer your question: No, TOP, don’t relax. DTMFA.

I

’m a feminine, submissive dyke. My girlfriend is absolutely amazing, and our sex life is awesome and really kinky. The problem is two of my friends. I’ve formed a pretty tight trio with two hot, funny tops. I’ve got tiny, manageable crushes on them both. My girlfriend knows, but she’s secure enough in our relationship that she isn’t bothered by it. The problem? My friends are fucking each other. They’re also in happy open relationships with other women. Sounds great, right? Even though they’re great friends most of the time, they definitely leave me feeling like the third wheel once in a while. How can I gently remind them that, even though they’re not sleeping with me, I’d like a little more platonic attention friendship-wise? Satisfied under Butches

I

s u p p o s e y o u c o u l d s i t your friends down and say, “Hey, when you two move out of your friends-in-open-relationships-with-benefits honeymoon phase, I could use a little more friends-without-benefits attention.� But there’s almost no way to say that without coming across like a jealous, controlling bag of dykenuts, SUB. So I would urge you to hang back and trust that this honeymoon phase, like all honeymoon phases, will eventually pass, and these two friends will have more time for you in the future. In the meantime, fuck your girlfriend lots and hang out with other friends. And remember: When you’re feeling like the third wheel, SUB, it’s because you’re probably functioning as the third wheel. While first and second wheels can

Sex

make an effort to prevent thirds from feeling like the thirds they are, thirds that make a decision to roll elsewhere generally wind up feeling better.

Y

ou are so fun! My hubby is 62 and I am 52. We are empty nesters now and we love it! We are experimenting sexually, but my blowjobs don’t do it for him. I’ve watched videos, read articles, and finally bought some flavored lube. He loves having his balls licked while I jerk him off. But what can I do about my blowjobs?!? Any advice would be great! Ho Ho Ho

M

y a d v i c e : Lick your hubby’s balls while you jerk him off. Your husband either can’t get off from a blowjob alone—and there are men out there who can’t—or your blowjobs just don’t do it for him. In the interest of marital harmony, HHH, let’s give your blowjobs the benefit of the doubt and assume that your husband is one of those guys who can’t be gotten off by blowjob alone. If you love sucking dick and your blowjobs are in no way traumatizing—if they don’t leave your husband curled up on the floor sobbing—then go ahead and blow your husband. Telling him the blowjobs are for you, HHH, will take the pressure off him and—who knows?—he may relax and enjoy the blowjob JOE NEWTON more. He might even get off. Bonus pro tip: You know that flavored lubes don’t do anything for the person being blown, right? They’re for people who don’t like the taste of dick, HHH, and it doesn’t sound like you’re one of those people. Until they come out with Chord Overstreet-flavored or Cheyenne Jackson-flavored lube, there’s no reason you should be slathering your hubby’s dick with artificial flavorings and aspartame.

I

’m a Canadian 25-year-old gay man in a four-year relationship with a 22-year-old. Over the course of our relationship, we’ve explored each other’s kinks and been very understanding and GGG. The sex is amazing and varied. The problem: He has this fantasy that I’m having trouble pulling off. He wants me to piss in his ass. But peeing while erect is not my forte. I’ve tried, but I have to concentrate on peeing to actually go, and that just resulted in my going soft while I was inside him. By the time the urine was actually flowing, my dick was so soft that his sphincter was actually pinching my urethra closed, making it impossible for me to pee. He hasn’t bottomed in a couple of years, since I realized how much I love it, so I’m assuming his tightness isn’t helping. I just can’t think of what more I can do to fulfill this fantasy for him. Do I need to just learn how to pee while erect or is there an easier way? I’m stumped and worried I won’t be able to make this happen for him. Dripping out Urine Confounds His Enema

I

’ m g o i n g t o a s s u m e that you two are in a committed relationship, that you’ve both been tested and have either no STIs or the same STIs, that neither of you is having unprotected sex with anyone else, that you rarely eat asparagus or beets, that you don’t plan on doing this in front of your pets, etc. Okay, DOUCHE, I feel like Santa Claus right now because I have the perfect toy to put under your tree. (Your tree is still up, right?) Go to forttroff.com, click “Enter,� search “ass tunnel,� then watch the video demo. It’s an after-Christmas miracle. (For the idiots in my readership, that link is NSFW. And, yes, I’m assuming DOUCHE and his BF celebrate Christmas. But only because all the piss-in-assers I’ve ever known were homeschooled Liberty University graduates.) Happy holidays, everybody! mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. 40 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012


I❤ TV

TV

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Quote Me on That

[I

N LIEU of an informative column, here is a truncated list of things I said in 2012, provided entirely out of context. (As if that would help.)—Humpy] JEREMY EATON

“I do not outwardly dislike old people. This is because when I do outwardly dislike them, they tend to shake their walkers at me, accuse me of being ‘ageist,’ and then wander off, forgetting what they were yelling at me about in the first place.”

“MEN’S GYMNASTICS: Other than engorging my penis with blood, why does this event exist?”

“Ben Franklin felt lonely as he stepped out of the shower. Rubbing the rough towel over his moist naked body, he was struck by the realization he hadn’t felt the soft caressing touch of a lover since that cold, cold winter he dry boned Betsy Ross. Suddenly... the bathroom door flew open. It was Wm.™ Steven Humphrey dressed as a British Redcoat! ‘Hahaaa!’ Humphrey noisily purred, his bulging groin pulsating with sexual intent. ‘Me thinks a certain founding father is in need of a patriotic dry boning!’”

“YAY SURROGATE MOMS! YAY GAYS! BOOO LITERALLY COOKING BABIES! BOOOOOO GLEE!!”

“So the twins were instructed to decide between themselves who would drink the donkey semen and who would drink the donkey urine— a true ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ wouldn’t you say?”

“UGHHNHH! Why is everybody always trying to manipulate me? Just 10 minutes ago, my editor tells me I need to write gooder. Psssht! I’ve been writing this column for more than 15 years, and my writing has only improvend. (Or at least it had not been more worsenening.)”

“Holocostco—that’s a terrible name for a discount store.”

OUT OF CONTEXT: The year in ridiculous stuff I said.

“Have I mentioned that America loves fireworks? That’s because they metaphorically symbolize us sticking a Roman candle up the fanny of King George—which is both hilarious and disturbing. I mean, that would really hurt. But maybe having an exploded, burned anus taught him a valuable lesson about taxation without representation.” “QUESTION: If common mouthwash can be 10 percent alcohol, then why can’t I sell 10 percent Valium pills over the counter? ANSWER: I can and I will.”

“A crude but effective vibrator can be fashioned by attaching an angry hive of bees to the end of a cucumber. HA! Electricity-schmecknicity. WHO NEEDS IT?!?”

“Batman is a total... dick. First, he calls himself the ‘world’s greatest detective.’ Umm... Encyclopedia Brown is the world’s greatest detective, dick!”

“Hey, I did MY job over the last four years... pleasuring each and every one of you to the best of my epic abilities. I upheld my end of the bargain! So even if the president isn’t a magical unicorn genie who shoots sparkly rainbows and Skittles out of his bottom, I am STILL Wm.™ Steven Humphrey—and I STILL love you, long, LONG time.” Twitter! Quote me on that. @WmSteveHumphrey

This Week on Television WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26

9:00 CBS KENNEDY CENTER HONORS Celebrating the lives and careers of such notables as Dustin Hoffman, David Letterman, and (YES!) Led Zeppelin. 10:00 E! THE SOUP It’s the annual “Clipdown Special” featuring the most hilariously humiliating TV clips of the year!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY: ALL STARS The contestants are ordered to design a Broadwayinspired line of what will surely be terrible clothing. 11:00 SHO DAVE’S OLD PORN Season finale! Dave Attell’s comedian friends sit around making fun of classic porn. (Which is better than watching them masturbate, I guess?)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28

10:00 E! FASHION POLICE It’s the end of the year roundup, which means that anyone who didn’t get insulted, will get insulted. 10:00 LIF TEEN TROUBLE Debut! A reality series where a therapist helps families with “out-of-control teens”—JUST LIKE YOU.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29

8:00 LIF SHE MADE THEM DO IT—Movie (2012) The true story of an escaped female murderess—co-starring Mackenzie “One Day at a Time” Phillips! EEEE!!!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30

9:00 E! THE REAL 50 SHADES OF GREY An E! “investigative report” about real housewives who were inspired by the book to… to… BLECHH!!! I CAN’T SAY IT!!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31

10:00 ABC DICK CLARK’S NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE Host Ryan Seacrest looks on lustfully as the ball drops. 10:00 NBC NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH CARSON DALY Host Carson Daly looks on lustfully at Ryan Seacrest.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1

8:00AM HALL ROSE BOWL PARADE For anyone not nursing a hangover, or refusing to go to sleep. (Lay off the cocaine, BTW! The party’s OVER.)

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 41


THE PORTLAND MERCURY & THE OREGON BREWERS GUILD PRESENT

Portland

503.299.9911 Salem

503.689.8080

FREE to listen & reply to ads! FREE CODE: Portland Mercury For other local numbers call:

1-888-MegaMatesTM

24/7 Customer Care 1(888) 634.2628 18+ ©2012 PC LLC 2349

WHY WAIT – Hookup TONIGHT! FREE TO TRY UNLIMITED VIP MEMERSHIP $19 FOR 1 WEEK Always FREE TO CHAT WITH VIP MEMBERS

503-222-CHAT

SAT FEBRUARY 2ND • 2PM-MIDNIGHT

WONDER BALLROOM

TICKETS AVAILABLE SOON MALTBALL.STRANGERTICKETS.COM 42 portlandmercury.com December 26th, 2012

VANCOUVER 360-696-5253 EVERETT 425-405-CHAT TACOMA 253-359-CHAT SEATTLE 206-753-CHAT BOISE 208-350-2500 STRAIGHT/GAY/BI

www.LiveMatch.com


Gossip

News

Feature

Picks

Music

Arts

Food

Fashion

Film

Sex

TV

Fun Fun

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

H

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

by Ian Karmel

EY BEST FRIENDS! I’ve been get- man’s Gun Club’s Detective Agency and Cribbage Club, and (3)The Stars Holting really reflective about 2012: low Periodontist’s Wives’ Comaking tea, bobbing the teabag e B e st h T alition of Concerned Murder up and down and up and Solvers and Easter Crossdown, while staring out a Stitchery Knitters and Co. second-story window at a foggy field, listening to LCD Two Acts That I Saw in Soundsystem and nodding to 2012 That Make Me Glad myself at choice parts (like a reI’m an Oregonian ally subtle, knowing nod… kind of (1) Mosley Wotta (mosleywotta. a “Hey, this vaguely Philip Seymour Hoffman-looking dance musician gets it, com) is a hiphop outfit from Bend that he gets ME” kind of nod). I’ve even been recall the bouncy melodies and sharp skipping stones over bodies of water while lyricism of Blackalicious. Yeah, it’s the mid-’90s alternapop songs play in the type of uplifting college rap you listened background. I know you’ve probably read to in your early 20s, but it’s really good, a bunch of Best of 2012 lists, but I’m only and it’s even better live. Get over your pretty sure that you can’t anymore before cynicism and appreciate Jason Grayou take a swing, I wonder, what are we ham’s gift of gab and the sharp skills of his band. fighting for? Here’s another one! (2) Portland’s comedy scene is one of the best in the country, and Christian Ricketts The Best Thing I Ate for the First (@aheavyboy on Twitter) is one of PortTime This Year The pizza-style Italian sausage sandwich land’s best stand-up comedians. With a from Michael’s Italian Beef and Sausage repertoire that perfectly balances satire, Company (1111 SE Sandy). This isn’t a absurdity, and an incredibly sharp and cute sandwich, it’s not a fresh take on an unique wit, Ricketts is the rare comedian old idea, it’s just a goddamned time-trav- who will get laughs from the paying cuseling wonder sandwich. The sausage is tomers in the front of the room, and even rich and intoxicating, the gravy is perfectly louder laughs from the jaded comedians spicy and sweet, the sharpness of the pro- in the back. See him while those seats in volone bursts through the swirling mael- the front of the room are still cheap. strom of savory deliciousness for just a Best Graffiti I Saw This Year moment before falling back into the totality of the flavor profile LIKE A GODDAMNED The word “Fartbarf” on an awning in HUMPBACK WHALE BREACHING Seaside. I know it’s a band, I don’t care THE SURFACE FOR BUT A MOMENT, what they sound like, it can’t sound as EXHIBITING ITS GRANDEUR, LETTING good as the word “Fartbarf.” YOU INTO ITS WORLD OF—FUCK, I’M Most Dopest New Block: SO HYPED ON THIS SANDWICH. NE 24th and Glisan, AKA, the Ocean. It has Slowburger, Basa Basa, Uno Mas, The Three Best Fake Book Titles I 24th and Meatballs, Tails & Trotters, and Made Up That You Can Use the Pie Spot, all in one place—it’s like if at Parties (1) The New Brunswick Fishwife’s Bee- The Expendables was about making me @IanKarmel hive Society, (2) The Milkmother’s Police- even fatter.

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN

A SUGGESTED RESOLUTION Dear Portland: Stop this motherfucking mustache and bacon Band-Aid bullshit, please! I am about to crawl into your hot pink mustache panties and take a baconscented doo-doo. You have gotten lazy. You have become a predictable cliché. You have become the uncle who insists, “Pull my finger!” It’s not funny anymore. It was funny for one hour of one day, maybe. But now it’s boring and annoying. Keeping Portland weird has become synonymous with conformity. I challenge you to actually be weird. What does it mean? You would ask for a recipe. It means stop copying the answers off your neighbor’s paper and just be your fucking self. If you are willing to be real and not “pretend-weird” like all y’all are so into, maybe you’ll consider trading in your fixie for a dolphin-powered jet ski that you can use to carpool up and down the Willamette. Or maybe you will take that salted-chocolate-deer-flavored gelato and insert it in your tattooed/gauged asshole. Just stop acting like you’re so crazy because you have a vegetable tattoo. How about you tattoo Regis’ face over your face?—Anonymous

UNDERWORLD // KAZ

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.

December 26th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 43


The Portland Mercury BULLETIN BOARD online > > > www.portlandmercury.com/backpage (503) 294-0840

BANKRUPTCY - Fresh Start Get financial relief this New Year! FREE consultation. Payment Plans. CALL NOW (503) 808-9032 Scott Hutchinson, Attorney. Since 1997. www.Hutchinson-Law.com

SALVIA AND KRATOM!

Quick Fix Synthetic Urine now available. Your hookah headquarters. Glass pipes, discount tobacco, detox products & vaporizers.

Still Smokin’ Tobacco For Less 12302 SE Powell 503-762-4219

Vasectomy * Essure Lovejoy Surgicenter 503-221-1870 82ND AVE TOBACCO & PIPE LTD

LOCAL HAND BLOWN GLASS PREMIUM CIGARS, SPECIALTY TOBACCOS 82nd & Stark 503-255-9987 82ave.com

THE STASH GIFT & SMOKESHOP

“ONE OF THE ORIGINALS” ALWAYS ON THE CUTTING EDGE NEWLY EXPANDED PIPE/TOBACCO AREA 17411 SE McLOUGHLIN BLVD 503-654-9199 CIGARS, RYO, E CIGS, GLASS, VAPES...

DUIs SUCK!

Our Attorneys Rock. pdxnotguilty.com - 503.683.3642

SMOKE SIGNALS ON SANDY

Vaporizers, hookahs, glass pipes, tobacco, gift items

3554 NE SANDY BLVD. 503-235-0504

ADOPTION

Abundant love, patience and security are what we offer your baby. Travel, excellent education, arts and adventure await with two committed dads. Please call, TEXT or email anytime about Mark and Jeff; 503683-2043 or markandjeff1@gmail.com

Area 69

7720 SE 82nd Ave • 503-774-5544 Adult Movies, Video Arcade and PIPES! New Variety of Kratom pills!

Chronic Relief

OMMP Delivery is offering “receive a free eighth” with donation of similar for first time patients with this coupon at time of redemption. Call 503-853-9988

Junk Cars Wanted Quick Cash

Ask for Jake (503) 936-5923

House Of Pipes - Glass and Tobacco

925 NE Broadway 1009 Mollalla Ave Portland, OR Oregon City Glass Pipes, Tobacco, Kratom

Revived Cellular & Technology

SELL US YOUR USED CELL PHONES

Monday-Friday 10:30 - 7:00, Saturday 11:00 - 5:00 7816 N Interstate - near Fred Meyer - 503-286-1527

Help Wanted at Revived Cellular 7816 N Interstate Ave

Part-time technician and part-time customer service representative positions available. If interested call the store at 503-286-1527

Oregon Wage Claim Attorneys

Helping Oregon employees collect their wages and penalties!

Free Consultation - Schuck Law (503) 974-6142 / (360) 566-9243 http://wageclaim.org

from BISHOPS

Poppi’s Pipes

1712 E. Burnside Pipes, Detox, Scales, Hookah, Shisha New Kratom! New Store Hours! Mon - Sat 10 am - 9 pm! 503-206-7731

Poppis pipes NEW LOCATION NOW OPEN

3619 SE division • 971-229-1760 Come in - Free gift & Medible for OMMP!

In Through the Out Door

Non-Profit Medical marijuana collective serving OMMP card holders. Local Top shelf Indica, Sativa, extracts, tincture and edibles. A safe and friendly Environment. Located at the back of The Master Peace. 3623 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

bishopsbarbershop.com

Professional MANSCAPING 503-841-0385

Bodyhair grooming for guys by guy in NoPo. PDXadult.com

TOBACCO FOR LESS INC

KRATOM, VAPORIZERS, PIPES, HOOKAHS GOOGLE TO SEE INSIDE STORE 4071 NE SANDY BLVD 503-327-8276

CLASSES & EVENTS HOST YOUR EVENT HERE!! BOSSANOVA BALLROOM 722 E Burnside 503 206 7630 Bossanovaballroom.com CURIOUS COMEDY CLASSES!

Improv, Stand Up, Sketch Writing. Best comedy training in Portland. Register Now! Classes weekly Jan 8th through Feb 22nd! www.curiouscomedy.org

BRAZILIAN JIU JITSU

Learn ground defense skills under black belt instruction Info @ nwfighting.com. 503-740-2666

Tai Chi Classes

Enhance awareness via moving meditation nwfighing.com or call 503-740-2666

www.mellowmood.com ll d

4119 SE Hawthorn Hawthorne,, Portland ph: 503-235-PIPE (7473 (7473)

FREE NYE SHOW Lord Dying I Need Lunch

(Dead Boys tribute)

Long Knife Bi-Marks Starts @ 8pm

639 SE Morrison star-bar-rocks.com


The Portland Mercury, December 26, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 32)