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THE MERCURY ’S GUIDE TO
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YOUR HOLIDAY MOVIE ROUNDUP!
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sHOW! H A W T H O R N thIs fRi E fRi dEc T H LONERO E & spLiNTEREd THRONE A ANd T 21OvER E sHOW! R
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NOTES lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE
KISSING SAM GOODBYE RE: “How to Get Shit Done in Portland” [Feature, Dec 12], an exit interview with soon-to-be-former Mayor Sam Adams, in which he shares what he learned during his time in Portland City Hall. I thought Adams was an exceptional leader, mayor, and all-around very intelligent politician. Adams would command a room, “No applause.” In doing so, he dismissed the capability of the majority to express itself, and he would do this under the pretext of expediting the “process.” Rationally, this was ridiculous, and by no means were people obligated to abide by his commands, yet people did. My only condemnation would be his inability to share his perspective on a situation. He did this purposefully to disable people from countering his perspective and attacking his position. The unfortunate side of this was that if Adams truly had a more informed opinion, it rarely spread beyond his inner circle. It was difficult to convince that man of anything; what Adams wanted to do, he was going to do, and be damned if there were alternatives or naysayers. That’s leadership and tyranny—but at least Adams was virtuous, even if I disagreed with him. posted by fidelity axiom
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A common criticism of this film has been that, while LOTR was trimmed down, this film has been bloated with extra material. I’d like to remind people that, although the original film trilogy is great and deservedly beloved, it also threw in quite a bit of extra material and changed some events entirely while sacrificing important bits of story. The Barrow-wights and Tom Bombadil from Fellowship? Sam becoming a temporary ring-bearer in Return? “The Scouring of the Shire”? Gone. Instead we had an overemphasis on the Aragorn-Arwen relationship, the Aragorn-Eowyn relationship, Frodo being brought to Osgiliath (never happened), Aragorn’s near-death experience (never happened), and bloated battle scenes where Legolas does something cool. These could be considered detrimental to these films, but a lot of what was added was based on Tolkien material and ended up adding to the story and the emotional impact. The difference with this film is that we’re getting the whole story, no sacrifices, with all the elements from Tolkien’s notes, appendices, and The Silmarillion. The Hobbit book is largely nonsensical by itself. This movie adaptation is giving us answers that have been clued in over years of Tolkien’s writings, but were not in the original book. It is not fucking “Hamburger Helper.” That awful dwarf song about washing dishes, though… straight from the book. I read that scene for the first time while tripping on mushrooms. I’d consider it an abomination for it to not be included. posted by James Watkinson
“Events as they occur in Middleearth.”
Sam’s accomplishments should include failing to pay his mortgage, T-boning another motorist in a fit of road rage, and not being, by the skin of [his] teeth, a registered sex offender. The Mercury’s fawning over this dried turd of a human, who basically hid under his desk for the first two years of his mayoralty, is about as low as journalism gets. posted by woodstalker
MEANWHILE, IN MIDDLE-EARTH… RE: “The Tears of the Nerds” [Film, Dec 12], in which Film Editor Erik Henriksen reviews The Hobbit, painfully taking it to task for its bloated, meandering storyline and sundry disappointments.
JESUS H. CHRIST, James. You win this week’s Mercury letter of the week, not because we understood more than 30 percent of what you just said, but because we’d rather live in a world where we’re still excited about The Hobbit trilogy, and you’ve given us that. So please enjoy two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where excitement always runs high.
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Is Bombadil in any of these? Since he wasn’t in [The Lord of the Rings], I think he should be. I’m thinking William H. Macy, and Lindsay Lohan in a bad wig as Goldberry. posted by Todd Mecklem Todd—Is this a deliberate attempt at a joke? Bombadil appears nowhere in the timeline of The Hobbit, and while much was added into Jackson’s vision for the adaptation for the sake of coming out of it with a trilogy, at least everything that occurs is within the timeline of events as they occur in Middle-earth. posted by mediocre
Bagdad TheaTer
fri mar 1 all ages happy hOur w/ flOating pOinte-ringlers 1/8 keane 1/18 80s weekend: 80s VideO danCe attaCk 80s weekend: last ChanCe winter danCe w/ radiCal reVOlutiOn 1/20 slightly stOOpid 1/25 sChOOl Of rOCk: Best Of pOrtland 2 1/27 Crystal Birthday w/ hOt Buttered rum 2/6 ellie gOulding 2/8 super diamOnd 2/16 leftOVer salmOn 2/21 sOund triBe seCtOr 9 2/23 galaCtiC 2/27 fade tO light 3/2 alaBama shakes 3/15 Big head tOdd & the mOnsters 3/20 fun. 3/21 jOsh ritter 3/22 geOrge ClintOn 3/23 reBelutiOn · j BOOg · hOt rain 4/7 the airBOrne tOxiC eVent 4/25 lOCal natiVes 4/28 dawes/dr dOg
12/22
1/19
Neil Krug neilkrug.com
This photo is from Krug's Pulp Art Book: Volume Two available now at Ampersand, 2916 NE Alberta
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ONE DAY
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at a time THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano
MONDAY, DECEMBER 10 Serial criminal Lindsay Lohan strikes again! (Though this may be the one instance where she won’t be carted off to the pokey.) As you certainly know and have gagged about, Lindsay Lohan is totes OBSESSED with admittedly hunky Max George of boy band the Wanted. She’s been following the band around, and has even been spotted with Max backstage engaging in a “long, emotion-filled embrace” and then checking into a Boston hotel together. Gross! While Max is denying any romantic entanglements, Linds is sending out some strong hints MR. LOHAN to the contrary via her Twatter machine! “Missing something?” Lindsay coyly twatted to Max on Saturday, adding a photo of the singer’s supposedly missing black hoodie. Actually yes, Max is missing something: a good friend to warn him to RUN FOR HIS LIFE. MEANWHILE… Like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris before her, tonight actress Anne Hathaway accidentally f lashed her vaheena getting out of a limo. And NO, Hubby Kip, you may not make a “Catwoman” joke. Go back into your man-den until we call you to bring us our dinner. MEANWHILE… Girl, we hate to say we told you so, but… WE SO TOLD YOU SO. According to The Sun, Rihanna is fah-urious with loathsome creep Chris Brown for cheating on her… even though she’s yet to admit they’re dating! The two reportedly had a huge fight—not like the one in 2009, where Chris attempted to beat Rihanna to death with his fists—after he was photographed whooping it up with a bevy of gals in Paris. Well, this is just shocking news. And here we thought that Chris Brown had completely reformed, and was ready to settle down and become the perfect boyfriend. #sarcasm
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11 Today in “legitimately terrible”: Jacob Tyler Roberts, 22, entered the Clackamas Town Center mall today wearing a hockey mask and carrying a stolen AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Running into the food court screaming, “I am the shooter,” Roberts began randomly firing his weapon, killing 54-year-old Northeast Portland resident Cindy Ann Yuille and 45-year-old Steven Mathew Forsyth, while severely wounding 15-year-old Kristina Shevchenko. The shooter, as so many do, then killed himself. While noting that “this was a heartbreaking incident by any standard,” Clackamas County Sheriff Craig Roberts listed four factors that prevented this attack from becoming a full-blown massacre. Besides the shooter’s gun momentarily jamming, police were on the scene within one minute of the first 911 call. They then launched into their “active shooter protocol”—which they had trained for in the same mall just last year. The mall also had a “lockdown procedure,” which employees dutifully followed, thereby saving even more lives. And finally, the shoppers themselves—all 10,000 of them (!!)—managed to keep level heads and get out of the shopping center, and many assisted those in need. While discussions desperately need to take place about gun control (yes, even stolen guns) and our culture of ignoring mental illness—hats off to those who helped, didn’t panic, and trained to lessen a situation that could’ve been so much worse.
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WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12 Happy 12/12/12 day—and to celebrate? Kanye West wore a skirt! Or a kilt… wait, he’s not Scottish. It was a skirt. He donned the black leather skirt while performing for the 1212-12 concert to benefit victims of Hurricane Sandy, and within hours “Kanye’s Skirt” (of course) already had it’s own Twatter page, quipping, “Sir Paul [McCartney] is wearing mom jeans.” Which he was. OH! And speaking of Sir Paul, the ex-Beatle performed at the concert with the ex-members of Nirvana—which naturally made crazy Courtney Love (the former wife of deceased Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain) go even crazier. When asked about McCartney’s involvement with the project, Courtney snarled that she was “not amused” adding, “Look, if John [Lennon] were alive it would be cool.” When asked for a response from their current residence in Rock ’n’ Roll Heaven™, both Lennon and Cobain had this to say: “Can someone tell Courtney to please SHUT HER STUPID CRAY-CRAY MOUTH.”
PORTLAND MERCURY A D O PT-A N-U N C LE! T he holidays can be an especially hard time for uncles—they tend to spend these special days either alone, or in strip clubs. That’s why the Portland Mercury is committed to finding safe, loving homes for society’s neglected uncles, and making sure their holidays are just as joyous as ours.
THIS WEEK’S ADOPT-AN-UNCLE SPOTLIGHT!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13 As predicted, our lady of perpetual trouble Lindsay Lohan had her perpetual probation revoked by the Los Angeles commissioner after it was discovered that she lied to police officers about not being behind the wheel of her June 2012 Porsche crash. She has a court date set for January 15, and if found guilty, could face 245 days in prison. BUT THAT’S NOT THE WORST NEWS LINDSAY HEARD TODAY. Boytoy dreamboat Max George also called her “a groupie” in an interview, adding that the stalking starlet “is probably hiding in our suitcase right now!” Ohhhhhh no, he didn’t. Naturally, Linds responded with the most damning weapon in her arsenal: unfollowing him on Twatter! (That’ll show him, Lindsay. But seriously… get out of his suitcase.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14 This morning, 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot his mother in the face at the home they shared in Newtown, Connecticut. Dressed in combat gear, he then loaded his mother’s semiautomatic pistols and semi-automatic rifle into her car, drove to the nearby Sandy Hook Elementary School, and killed 26 people—20 of them children between the ages of six and seven—before shooting himself. “The gunman was chillingly accurate,” the New York Times reports. “A spokesman for the state police said he left only one wounded survivor at the school. All the others hit by the barrage of bullets from the guns Mr. Lanza carried died, suggesting they were shot at point-blank range.” “We’ve endured too many of these tragedies in the past few years,” President Barack Obama said in a tearful address. “Whether it’s an elementary school in Newtown, or a shopping mall in Oregon, or a temple in Wisconsin, or a movie theater in Aurora, or a street corner in Chicago…. We’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this.” “The scale of the tragedy and the age of the victims shocked a country that has seen many mass shootings,” the Guardian wrote—before adding that, with regard to questions about gun control, “Barack Obama’s spokesman, Jay Carney, refused to engage with the issue, telling reporters at a White House briefing that ‘today is not the day.’” Actually, Jay, today is the day: A petition on whitehouse.gov demanding the Obama administration “immediately address the issue of gun control” via legislation gained tens of thousands of signatures in mere hours, while New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the only politician to say what every sane person was thinking. “President Obama rightly sent his heartfelt condolences to the families in Newtown,” Bloomberg wrote in a statement. “But the country needs him to send a bill to Congress to fix this problem. Calling for ‘meaningful action’ is not enough. We need immediate action. We have all heard the rhetoric before. What we have not seen is leadership—not from the White House and not from Congress. That must end today. This is a national tragedy and it demands a national response.” Here’s hoping that response comes from today’s tragic events—unlike the 15 other mass shootings in America this year. Because if 20 children being shot point blank doesn’t bring about change, nothing will.
Meet Uncle Nick. He absolutely adores the holidays and can bring a festive mood to any occasion. He also enjoys engaging in the following uncle-related activities: • Making eggnog. (Ingredients: one-quart eggnog, two gallons Old Crow. Mix well, serve lukewarm.) • Dressing up as Santa, and inviting girls to sit on his lap. (Favorite line: “Is that a candy cane in my pocket or am I happy to see you?” Follow-up line: “Will you lick it?”) • Hanging the mistletoe. (Followed by standing on a stepladder beneath the mistletoe with his pants around his ankles.) • Decorating the tree. (Especially with pictures he cut out of a 1974 Playboy.) • Loves giving gifts. (For dad, a “fart machine.” For mom, a “wind-up walking pecker.” For the kids, a pair of panties he bought from a stripper.) • Singing Christmas carols. (In particular, changing the lyrics of “Feliz Navidad” to “Fellating My Dog.”) It’s important to note that in addition to these things you may discover Uncle Nick sleeping with a half-nude prostitute beneath the tree on Christmas morning, and that the floor may be covered with snow. Except it’s not snow, it’s cocaine.
Give Uncle Nick a loving home! Contact Portland Mercury Adopt-an-Uncle at justsayuncle@portlandmercury.com.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15 In less horrific news, Charlie Sheen has done something admirable and generous. (We know—we’re as surprised as you are.) When speaking to a Hermosa Beach police officer, Sheen learned that the officer’s 10-yearold daughter, Jasmine, was suffering from cancer. “No parent should have to watch their kid go through that,” Sheen told the officer, according to TMZ. The next day, the Hermosa Beach Police Association—which runs a fund for Jasmine’s treatments—received a check from Sheen for $75,000, FORGIVEN followed by a check from Eddie Braun, Sheen’s stunt double, for $25,000. Now, we don’t say this often, but… hey, Charlie? Everything mean we said about you this year? We take it back.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16 Lindsay Lohan has—shockingly—fallen behind on yet another bill. Now she owes her storage company $16,000, meaning that the “account is now delinquent and the storage locker can’t be opened until the balance is paid in full… and that’s not going to happen because Lindsay doesn’t have the cash,” says TMZ. “So what?” you ask. So this: Lindsay Lohan’s storage unit might be auctioned off at the end of the month. Hubby Kip? This. All we want for Christmas is Lindsay Lohan’s storage unit. Just think of it, dears! We’d find enough weird crap in there to keep this column going for decades!
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Thanks for Nothing!
stroyed by your Department of Whatever by the bicycles. Come on. Get out of office and let things go back to normal.
The Last Installment of Angry Citizen Voicemails for Mayor Sam Adams by Sarah Mirk
October 29, CT: [The CIA has a neat way of robbing banks. They use their computer program to transfer funds from CT’s account to someone else’s account. CT heard about this through the walls from the people upstairs. They get their money from Communist China. The FBI doesn’t know how to stop it anymore than CT does. He thinks the mayor should make a coordinated effort with his brains and CT’s creativity to get all that money back.] [Two other calls about the same issue followed]
OR TWO YEARS, we’ve brought you the highlights from Mayor Sam Adams’ public-input voicemail box. This is the last batch. Say farewell, Sam, to a life of fluoride wars and being called a Nazi. And Charlie? They’re all yours now. Summarized, paraphrased voicemails are in brackets. All others are verbatim, but are edited and condensed.
August 22, Rosemary: [Rosemary says that for the last few days, the corner of NW 10th and Johnson has been turned into a speedway. There are some undesirable young people who glare at her. There are a bunch of old longhaired, gray-haired hippies on motorcycles there. This is not appropriate for the Pearl.]
October 31, Todd: I just wanted to let you know that my “Sam can” ended up in the pool, because it got infested with ants after just one night, because it didn’t, you know, get picked up. Hopefully you’ll move to Amsterdam and ride a bike for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing!
August 22, unidentified male: [The people of Portland do not want your toxic fluoride in our water. This is our city. This is not your dictatorship. The Nazis used fluoride to make the Jews docile in the concentration camps. It destroys brains. Sam is a sellout to the corporate monsters.] SUSIE GHAHREMANI
August 24, Allen: [Allen is calling to express extreme concern about fluoridating the water. Mental health is way more important than dental health. He is not some Occupy person. He is a marketing director for a huge high-tech firm in the area.] August 24, unidentified male: Fuckin’ fluoride, FLUORIDE??!! I hope karma gets you whacked by a bus next time you go outside. August 29, unidentified female: Yeah, I’m calling about the garbage again. We tried it for a week: putting all our scrap crap in with the yard debris. It still didn’t matter. We just have too much garbage. And, also, I know that you’re not running for reelection, so you could probably give a rat’s ass, but, PLEASE, do not put fluoride in our water. September 11, James: [James needs surgery to remove a lamprey from his intestines. He doesn’t like the idea of having a lamprey in his intestines. The mayor had better know that, when James dies, he is going to have the coroner cut the lamprey out of him, have him deep fry it, and make the mayor eat every inch of it. He wants his $2.75 fuckin’ million today by 5 pm. He’ll settle for half.] September 12, Crowley: [He wants the mayor to vote ‘no’ on fluoridation of the water. If people have bad teeth, it’s nature’s way of weeding out the weak.] September 25, unidentified female: I just want to support your position regarding the Frashour reinstatement. [Adams protested the reinstatement of Ron Frashour, the officer fired for killing Aaron Campbell in 2010.—Eds.] I’ve retired from the military, and in the military we can’t just shoot people in the back. Well, maybe some of that has happened, but it’s not appropriate. So, I really support you. Spend every blessed dime you have to, and when you’re finished, you can send the police union a bill.
you could make it easier—you could just get a rubber stamp that says, “The police did nothing wrong.” October 5, John: Yeah. I wanted to figure out if the city has any intention of improving the roadways. Then again, nobody works anymore, because the government ruined all the businesses. Keep up the good work; keep taxing everybody, and pretty soon you’ll be the only ones left. We’ll call it communism. Bye. October 9, Peggy: I wanted to call in and ask or suggest that the mayor consider a last-minute write-in campaign. Um, anyway, thanks a lot. October 9, Pam: I have never called this before. I’m calling about the plastic and paper bag ban. I already go to Gresham to do my grocery shopping, and I’ll take the rest of my shopping to Gresham and Clackamas. It’s amazing that it has gotten to the point where I have to leave an opinion on an answering machine. October 10, unidentified female: Mayor Adams: I am so sick of your harebrained ideas, it’s ridiculous. First, you got rid of plastic bags, which in Oregon is a joke because it rains a lot. Now, you want to take paper bags away. Why don’t you just take YOURSELF away?! I’m selling my house and I’m moving across the river. So, Mayor Adams, adios, buddy, adios. I’m getting out of here. The hypocrisy just reeks, and so do you, sir. And I don’t care about New Seasons and any of those people—I’m DONE. Take yourself and go jump in the Willamette. That’s how I feel. Quite frankly, that’s where you belong: in the sludge. Because you’re not doing us any favors at all! You are SUCH an IDIOT!
September 25, Norman: [Norman is effusive in his praise of Mayor Adams’ gumption in fighting hypocrisy. The mayor serves Jesus burgers.]
October 11, Kevin: I hope you folks don’t put fluoride into the municipal water supply. You will be poisoning the population. Fluoride is a highly toxic chemical. There’s a moon base, named Project Horizon. It’s been on the moon since 1959. There’s a teleportation project that’s going to be replacing air travel. I was trying to sleep out there at Portland Airport in the chairs there, and your police officers kept asking me to leave.
October 5, unidentified female: Hi. You know how they have the grand jury? Well,
October 15, Glenn: Reintroduce the plastic bags. They’re what most people want. Go af-
6
portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
Messages in Mayor Sam Adams’ Voicemail Box Anti-fluoride: 91 Pro-fluoride: 14 Hating on the compost plan: 5 Long-haired hippies in the Pearl: 1 Bike riders are terrible: 6 Panhandling: 3 City hall’s crappy voicemail system: 6 Anger at police hostility: 4 Specifically, fire Office Ron Frashour: 5 US Department of Justice police reforms: 7 Leaf pick-up plan sucks: 4 Hooray for the arts tax: 2 Fix the bathroom at Saturday Market: 2 Bring back plastic bags: 6 Support paid sick leave citywide: 14 Fight the coal export plan: 2 Please build memorial for dead police horse: 1 ter litterers and don’t interfere with people’s choice. This is America, after all. October 15, Dan: There are rats all over Southeast, Southwest, Northeast. People need their garbage picked up EVERY week. October 17, Brenda: I want to call with my concern with the East County. It’s all over the city, actually: the graffiti, the gang stuff all the way up Burnside. It’s just horrid. Not only that, but the cars in front yards, garbage thrown in front yards, couches. I don’t think the taxpayers should have to call and report this. In the Pearl District, this stuff would not be going on. People are moving OUT of the neighborhoods, it’s so bad. Please, I’d like more attention to what’s going on other than bottle bills, plastic bottles, and plastic sacks. October 29, unidentified male: How many more streets are we going to make into onelane streets since the bicycles are around? I don’t see bicycles delivering refrigerators and stuff like that. [NE] Multnomah has been de-
November 1, unidentified female: I would like to suggest to you that you go over to the Lloyd Center and drive up and down [NE] Multnomah. That always was an absolutely lovely street. Traffic flowed lovely on it—two lanes each way. NOW, it is UNBELIEVABLE! What in the HELL did they do to that street? And, I’ve read about their new foofy ideas. It didn’t need bike lanes. UNBELIEVABLE! UNBELIEVABLE! I just can’t begin to tell you what an absolutely unbelievably asinine idea it was to screw up Multnomah! Are you people, like, out of your mind? How much more can you screw up this city? November 6, unidentified male: Yes, good morning. I was at the anti-austerity rally at Holladay Park, and I don’t understand the reaction of the Portland Police Bureau, and I don’t understand the part about high school students being pepper sprayed, which, in my estimation, is nothing more than a chemical weapon. I think that the Portland Police Bureau has sunk to an all-time low. Ta-ta! November 15, unidentified male: This evening I went to the Rite Aid downtown. I stopped at Pioneer Square to relax; it’s a nice mild evening. Within 30 seconds, two idiots came up, invaded my privacy, disrespected me, and demanded spare change from me. Other cities have ordinances keeping these human cockroaches and leeches away from decent, hard-working people. November 15, unidentified female: Hi there, mayor and everybody else down there in Happy Land. I don’t like the idea of Hayden Island. I don’t think you should do nothin’ to it. I don’t think there should be any industry on it. My only suggestion here is—since you guys are the smart ones, right?—just build a NEW island! November 16, John: You know, I just feel like—you know, I grew up here—born here in 1951, and, Portland is turning into exactly what I thought it would, you know, with people coming here from all over, leaving places where they were totally set up, because they didn’t like what was going on and what it was costing them. I feel like there’s an effort to push everybody out of Multnomah County who isn’t a millionaire. I mean, this is crazy: a $400 water bill, you know, $200-300 a month for heat. I mean, with everything that passed in the elections, it looks like I’m into another freaking $1,500 on top of what I already do. I’m a disabled veteran; I can’t keep pace with this. Anyway, I’m probably wasting my time. Bye.
Hall Monitor by Denis C. Theriault A Glimpse Inside the Machine
T
HE FRAGILE UNDERPINNINGS of the Portland City Council’s prized culture of unanimity slipped into rare public view last week during a vote on one of the more controversial items on Mayor Sam Adams’ cram-itin-while-he-can wish list. It was a small moment, although it spoke volumes about Portland politics. It happened last Wednesday, December 12, as Adams pushed through his “truce” to the “toxic” conflict between neighbors and businesses over parking rules in Northwest Portland. Yes, Adams got the parking meters and parking permits he wanted, but barely. Commissioner Nick Fish voted, in the only words he uttered on the dais, “Respectfully, no.” And so, with Dan Saltzman out sick, that left the mayor with a bare-minimum coalition: a critical Randy Leonard (“It is what it is,” Adams’ ally allowed) and a cagey Amanda Fritz who used her leverage to wedge in amendments that may, in fact, allow the next council to reopen an issue that’s not quite as solved as Adams and his supporters hoped. Fish’s actions, at least in the moment, spoke the loudest. Fish rarely lets himself wind up on the losing end of a vote—his principled vote last year against city funding of Adams’ doomed Oregon Sustainability Center stands out as one of the few. And he never passes up a chance to dress up a decision with lofty rhetoric and lengthy remarks.
®
The vote on Northwest parking meters speaks volumes about Portland politics. After a long day of meetings, I caught up with Fish, pointed that out, and asked if he might care to elaborate a bit more. He did— bluntly. And so I got my notebook out. “I’m a realist,” he said, explaining he had reservations about “process and substance.” “The mayor had his three votes. So all that was left was for me to state my objection.” Fish’s remarks are interesting, because they shine a light on the hidden nature of politics as usual in a council that hates to be seen as counting to three votes, even though that’s the essence of how laws in Portland are made. Ideas are very often floated first to the public, albeit generally. But final proposals are hardly ever trotted out without assurances they will pass, and with five votes. That might have played out in this case. But there wasn’t any time for a new deal—not, at least, if Adams wanted to broker it. The mayor’s last regular council hearing is on Thursday, December 20. “I remain convinced we would be better taking a fresh look at this issue next year,” Fish said, graciously, “rather than just getting something passed.” Of course, he may yet get his wish, in a way—ironically thanks to Fritz, the commissioner who normally finds herself the lone dissenter. Fritz’s amendments, which Adams embraced, are subtly important because they provide several checkpoints where the next council can decide the Northwest parking plan isn’t working and make big changes. Adams still got what he wanted—but so does everybody else. OWINS4182_CoByCo_Multn_PortMercury_7.25x13.5.indd 1
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Roll On Despite Helmet Debate, City Signs off on Bike Share by Sarah Mirk
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EXT YEAR, anyone with a credit card will be able to grab a bike in downtown Portland, pedal to their destination, and then return the bike to a high-tech locking station. But here’s the big question: Will they also be wearing a helmet? Last Wednesday, December 12, city council approved a contract with Portland-based Alta Bicycle Share to roll out a program that will install 75 stations containing 750 rentable bikes throughout the central city. Bike-share systems already exist in 26 other American cities, and the aim in Portland is to replace short car trips with bike rides instead. Commissioner Amanda Fritz, a retired nurse, is concerned about all those tourists, officedwellers, and casual riders hitting the streets without helmets. She signed off on the contract only after spearheading an amendment: Alta must study a way to include helmet rentals. The helmet study plan doesn’t mean Portland’s bike share will be required to include helmets. Instead, Alta must draft a list of options showing how bike-share customers could acquire helmets and how expensive such a plan would be. The city is dipping its toe into dicey waters. Bike advocates have long battled over whether it’s safer to require helmets—which, certainly, keep riders safe from certain types of head injuries, but often deter people from riding at all. Studies locally and internationally show that biking is safer when more cyclists are on the road. “We wish them the best in being able to find a helmet-delivery system that is affordable,” says Bicycle Transportation Alliance’s Gerik Kransky. “But we believe bike share will be safe and should not really require a helmet.” No American city requires bike-share riders to wear helmets. But bike share has stumbled
T
SARAH MIRK
“We believe bike share will be safe and should not really require a helmet.”
— Gerik Kransky, Bicycle Transportation Alliance
in other counties with helmet laws. The low ridership of bike-share systems in Australia has been partially pinned on its helmet requirements. For helmet-requiring Vancouver, BC, Alta is pitching a plan to install helmet-rental stations at its upcoming bike-share stations. Portland could potentially install helmetrental stations, but it would likely drive up the cost of the project. The start-up costs for Portland’s bike share is $4.6 million, covered entirely by federal funds and private sponsorship. Portland could go the route of Washington, DC, and ask bike shops to discount helmet purchases for bike-share users. New York City, whose delayed Alta bike-share system is supposed to launch this May, is offering bike shop discounts and handing out 50,000 free helmets.
In Other News
he Oregon Legislature approved a spe- tion earlier. Fluoride foes have reacted angrily, cial tax deal with Nike during a rushed saying they were counting on the extra time to one-day meeting called by Governor John build their grassroots campaign. (And LeonKitzhaber last week [“Nothin’ but Net Profits,” ard, meanwhile, is getting a gift of his own this News, Dec 12]. The deal to lock in the state’s week: His colleagues want to put his name on current tax structure for companies promis- the firehouse being built under the Hawthorne ing 500 new jobs and $150 million in capital Bridge.) DENIS C. THERIAULT investment passed overwhelmingly after a cease-fire between the cars, cabs, and few tweaks hammered out over a long day of fancily dressed drunks who all jockey meetings. Representative Lew Frederick, a Northeast Portland Democrat, was one of only for preciously limited space along Old Town’s five House members to vote no, mostly be- nightclub cluster on weekend nights is expectcause he felt the special session subverted the ed to finally take effect late next month. As first reported this spring, Portland planners democratic process. “Governing under Nike’s want to create a special pedestrianduress should be a rare exception,” only “entertainment zone” along he blogged on blueoregon.com. a go-go! NW 3rd between Burnside and SARAH MIRK Fluoride in Everett, and on NW Couch and 2013! Davis between 4th and 2nd, every public vote to thwart the Cars out of Friday and Saturday from 10 pm to Portland City Council’s Old Town! 3 am. The idea, which would be reunanimous decision in favor of fluevaluated after 90 days, has cautious oridating Portland water won’t wait support from cops and neighbors, who hope until the May 2014 primary as expected. Instead, in one of his parting gifts to Portland, turning the streets into a giant pedestrian zone Commissioner Randy Leonard will ask his won’t actually prove to be more chaotic and colleagues this Thursday, December 20, to noisy. The plan was supposed to be approved move it up to May 2013—the same time vot- last Wednesday, December 12, and take effect ers will consider renewing Commissioner Dan immediately as an “emergency” ordinance, but Saltzman’s Portland Children’s Levy. Leonard, Commissioner Amanda Fritz balked amid conwho leaves council at the end of this year, called cerns about hooliganism. And that means a fifor the switch days after the Oregonian reported nal vote won’t happen until December 19—with fluoride backers were in city hall pushing for it. the project starting 30 days from then. This City code had set the 2014 date automatically, falls after New Year’s Eve, as Mayor Sam Adams after fluoride foes turned in enough signatures noted with disappointment. “We have a lot of this fall to force a vote. But the city council has guns around right now,” he said. “I don’t want always had the right to schedule a special elec- to mess around.” DCT
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TH E MERCURY G U ID E
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December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 11
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The End of Times: Cheers & Jeers! F
by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
IRST OF ALL, I’d like to say you were a terrible audience. I’ve been editing this rag for going on 13 years now, and every last one of you are beneath my talent and contempt. Okay, that being said, here is the final review I will ever write for you less-than-worthy losers: a TV Guide-style “Cheers & Jeers” roundup of humanity. (That’s you, prick whistle.) It’s everything you’ve done right and wrong in a “Cheers & Jeers” format—and I’d just loooove to see TV Guide try to sue me for stealing it. It’s the apocalypse, shit-lips! If you don’t like it, contact your lawyer, and… OHHHH, THAT’S RIGHT. Your “lawyer” is currently getting his face melted off in a lava flow. T… F… B. (Too fucking bad.) I’ll see you losers in the court of hereafter. ANYWAY. Let’s do this—like I even give a shit anymore.
CHEERS,
Dewey Decimal System! You were truly one of the great inventions of humankind. And even though you’re snickered about now, your deceptively easy-to-use navigational system is the envy of fancy-pantsy websites everywhere—in particular the OregonLive site, which is a useless goddamn joke.
overall? Sexual intercourse and, in particular, fellatio has been pretty good to me over the years. I was rarely disappointed in either of you—even when Jenny Marshall tried to give me a hummer in the 10th grade and thought that all she had to do was blow on it. While initially frustrating, that felt pretty good, too!
JEERS,
JEERS,
Justin Timberlake! Seriously? Do you seriously think you can make two of the best albums of all time (Justified and FutureSex/LoveSounds) and then just callously walk away from music for an acting career? Let me put a fine point on this: Your acting career is OVER. After seeing your naked bottom in that romcom Friends with Benefits (which was the worst, BTW), we no longer had any use for your limited skills as a thespian. You should’ve crawled back to music to do what you do best: pretend to be a black person. But now? IT’S TOO LATE! So fuck you, Justin Timberlake. And “jeers you,” too!
CHEERS,
sexual intercourse and, in particular, fellatio! You get a bad rap sometimes, but I have to say… that
genocide! Do I really even have to explain this? See, this is exactly what I was talking about: You people are time-wasters. OKAY! Once again for our level-one readers: Genocide Am Bad! Genocide Mean Good People Die! Genocide Bad for Earth and Flowers! Flowers Smell GOOD! (Waitasecond… before we completely dismiss this genocide stuff, there may be one allowance….)
CHEERS,
our future monkey/robot overlords! Now that the world is officially kaput, it’s time for the robots and/or monkeys and/or both to RISE! ARISE, my glorious leaders! Science fiction has predicted your ascent to dictatorship for decades, and finally… finally… you will ex-
Here Are Some Things I’ve Been Wanting to Tell You
I
by Bobby Roberts
N REGARDS to all existence winking out on Friday, I gathered you all here in the conference room for one last meeting, and I hope it helps put things into much needed perspective. First, whoever it is in here who has made it to their 30s thinking that coffee is made by dumping a whole pound of grounds into the filter, let me tell you how much I’m going to miss my morning cup of hot piss and pencil shavings. Your run of coffee-machine serial killings will sadly come to a close at 13 coffee makers suffocated to death by your cluelessness. On the upside, the impending apocalypse will ensure your reign will never be topped—so congratulations, you tasteless pile of ambulatory foreskin. Second, I know it won’t matter soon, but when you’re indoors at a place of business, you keep your goddamned shoes on. You’re an adult. I know you don’t like to think so. This is Portland, sometimes we let you get away with that shit here. It’s the slowest, beardiest marathon race ever run, where we all leisurely chase our adolescence into our 40s. And we forgive your cycling to work in skintight spandex as if your morning commute includes a leg of the Tour de France. But when you get here? You don’t get to just pop your shoes off and let your fugly fucking feet just air out like stubby bricks of limburger with toenails embedded in them, radiating the curdled scent of Go Fuck Yourself, as you leisurely pad towards the kitchen like an overgrown hobbit, clutching a sack of what you call kimchee in your hands. Seriously, do you even know HOW to eat
kimchee? Did you just take someone’s word for it that you’re supposed to shit in a bag, throw some peppers into the mix, bury it in the backyard for a week, and then bring it here, to the office, to microwave it? Did it even occur to you what that might smell like? You’re from fucking Boise—just bring some ramen to work and stop pretending you have any real clue what other cultures are like, you spud-rubbing rube. Because I can guarantee whatever it is you’re doing with that bag? You’re doing it wrong. And you: Don’t think your heinous microwave crimes are exonerated because DJ Potatofucker here is misusing the gift of culinary science. Guess what: Microwaving your fishy leftovers in the office kitchen is just as shitty. You don’t microwave fish, asshole. You just don’t. Because now it smells like you sodomized a red snapper’s scaly pucker with the ghostly remains of Orville Redenbacher’s cock. Microwaves are for popcorn, burritos, and day-old coffee. That’s fucking it. Can you imagine suffering through a morning of deleting companywide emails cc’d to everybody for no earthly reason, only to have all senses suddenly rent in twain by an olfactory assault of fish dryhumping the inside of my skull? No, you can’t, because you’re all inconsiderate twatwaffles, and if the world has to end to rid itself of your collective idiocy, I personally consider that a justified suicide. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to shit in my pants, flip over this table, and get a head start on the apocalypse via the burst aneurysm that is now concluding as I speak. I’ll see you fuckholes in hell.
"You’re all
inconsiderate twatwaffles."
12 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
tinguish all that’s left of humanity save for a few mewling underlings (such as myself) that you will keep around in order to betray the others, or perhaps bring you the occasional turkey salad sandwich. Dress us in fur loincloths! Imprison us in hastily constructed cages made from bamboo! Your wish is our every command! (Especially Justin Timberlake. Tell him to make another album!)
JEERS,
Mayan calendar apocalypse! Like… worst… apocalypse… EVER. Say what you will about the Christians, but at least they know how to throw a proper apocalypse. You guys are murdering the earth, and you’re not even sure how it’s going to happen! Asteroid? Super volcano? Aliens fly down and suck all the oxygen out of the sky? Don’t just fucking sit there… BE CREATIVE. Not to sound all racist, but Mayans are the most… on second thought, hold that thought until Saturday, just in case the world is still around. But if the world doesn’t end as predicted? JEEEEEERS, BULLSHIT MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE!!
A Non-Survivors’ Guide to the Apocalypse
N
by Alex Falcone
OT ONLY will I be one of the first people bitten when the zombies attack, I’ll probably be one of the first zombies shot by the surviving humans. It’s going to be a short apocalypse for me. You’re not going to make it far either. You’re a reader, and readers are not built for survival. People like you and I, we’re just going to be well-dressed, intelligent brain snacks for hordes of the undead to feast upon. No, stop crying. You’re embarrassing yourself (and proving my point, really). You don’t actually want to live in a post-apocalyptic world. It seems cool on TV, like camping and playing a first-person shooter at the same time. But it’s not cool. There will be scarce resources, terror beyond belief, and lots of running. You’ll almost certainly have to skip lunch-dessert. Remember how grumpy you are when you’re tired? You’ll be tired the whole apocalypse. Do you get hangry when you don’t get an afternoon snack? You won’t eat for days and you’ll totes take it out on your friends. Do you hate when monsters from beyond the grave try to bite you and drag you down to hell with them? Me, too. That’s pretty much your nine to five during the apocalypse. The good news in all of this is that you don’t need to prepare the same way as a “survivor.” While they stockpile gasoline and draw escape plans from the Safeway to the gun shop, you and I can focus on these simple tasks:
• Pick out your best undead outfit. I suggest muted tones that contrast with your own blood to create exciting visuals. No hats. Zombies in hats are silly. Most importantly: Wear comfortable shoes; there will be lots of shambling. • Leave a note. Your friends won’t have much time to mourn you—so make it simple. Lipstick on the mirror works nicely. “Don’t feel bad for shooting me. I deserved it. I’m sorry for trying so feebly to bite you; I’m new to this zombie thing.” • Make your house zombie-friendly. Just in case the hunters don’t find you right away, get rid of the sharp stuff in your house. You don’t want to accidentally shamble into something that will end your zombification early. Now THAT would be embarrassing. • Give out mementos. A faded photo in a locket would be best. Give one to everybody who might have to fight forever in your honor. If you can, make it something really charming with a slight visual pun, like you making finger guns at the camera. • Pack something to read. Do zombies read? Probably not at a very high level. Put some picture books around your house in case righteous warriors board it up and kill you later. • Most importantly, set your expectations low. The post-apocalyptic world is full of all kinds of ickiness. Be glad you’re going to die early. And when the time comes, don’t fight it. You’ll just embarrass yourself even further if you die trying to figure out how to fight.
ONE FAMILY, DIFFERENT CHARACTERS
Every expression of The Balvenie is related through the distinctive honeyed taste we achieve through our five rare crafts. But like any family, each one has its own individual character.
The Marques, Balvenie Distillery (culmination of a series).
Handcrafted to be enjoyed responsibly. www.TheBalvenie.com
Facebook.com/TheBalvenie
The Balvenie Single Malt Scotch Whisky Š2011 Imported by William Grant & Sons, Inc. New York, NY.
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 13
A LIVE ALBUM RELEASE CELEBRATION WITH
TIGER HOUSE WEDNESDAY!
LIQUIDLIGHT +HERE COME DOTS
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 19 •
$6 ADVANCE
THE ANNUAL AMIGO/AMIGA HOLIDAY SOIREE
AN END OF THE WORLD PARTY WITH
A LOG LOVE EVENING OF PDX UBER-TALENTS
MISS MASSIVE
SNOWFLAKE
THURSDAY!
BUZZYSHYFACE +MIKE COYKENDALL
THURSDAY DECEMBER 20
•
WATER & BODIES FRIDAY!
FRAME BY FRAME
FRIDAY DECEMBER 21
•
+MOSBY $10 ADVANCE
$8 ADVANCE A FESTIVE, FUN-FILLED HOLIDAY EVENING WITH
KELLI SCHAEFER
KEVIN CALABA
SATURDAY!
(FORMERLY OF STARS OF TRACK & FIELD)
MAKE IT A NIGHT
SATURDAY DECEMBER 22 •
Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room
TOPE +SLANG $7 ADVANCE
830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com MIND-BLOWING MELDING OF HIP-HOP AND CLASSICAL FROM ONE WOMAN POWERHOUSEPOWERHOUSE
EMILY WELLS +TIMMY STRAW
THURSDAY DECEMBER 27
•
DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...
CITY
+ANCIENT HEAT
SUNDAY DECEMBER 30
2
•
$12 ADVANCE
$10 ADVANCE
AN EVENING OF SOULFUL R&B AND ELECTROPOP
REVA
DEVITO
RADIATION
SUPERSUCKERS +BURN THE STAGE
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A SPECIAL EVENING WITH PDX’S REIGNING BEST NEW BAND
$12 ADVANCE
A PRE-NYE EVENING WITH THE “GREATEST ROCK N’ ROLL BAND IN THE WORLD”
SATURDAY DECEMBER 29
+THE JENNY FINN ORCHESTRA
SUNDAY DECEMBER 23
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NATASHA KMETO +SPECIAL GUEST DJ
FRIDAY DECEMBER 28
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$8 ADVANCE
DOUG FIR PRESENTS THE ANNUAL NYE BLOWOUT
$10 ADVANCE
AN INTIMATE AND ACOUSTIC EVENING WITH
AUGUSTANA
(ACOUSTIC)
THE RETURN OF THE POST-NYE REBOOT WITH
CASEY NEILL
& THE NORWAY RATS +LAUREN SHERA
TUESDAY JANUARY 8
•
$15 ADVANCE
A ROCKSTRAVAGANZA ALBUM RELEASE WITH
SASSPARILLA
SATURDAY JANUARY 5
+MCDOUGALL
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BACARDI PRESENTS THE “BACK TO BASICS” SERIES HOVERCRAFT RECORDS SHOWCASE
CLOROX GIRLS
CROWN POINT WESTERN AERIAL +THREEBIT BOURBON
FRIDAY JANUARY 11
•
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+ THE MINUS FIVE MONDAY DECEMBER 31 •
SOUL-SONIC INDIE ROCK FROM SF
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GEOGRAPHER SUICIDE NOTES BOOM! COURTNEY AND THE CRUSHERS GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH +HEY LOVER
THURSDAY JANUARY 10
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SATURDAY JANUARY 12
+ON AN ON
•
$10 ADVANCE
OM 2/9 North Mississippi Allstars 2/12 Ramona Falls 3/1 Divers + Broncho 3/4 Hillstomp 3/15 + 3/16 Lianne La Havas 3/25 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com
CHELSEA WOLFE 1/13 • TWO GALLANTS 1/19 • NIKI & THE DOVE 1/24 • KRIS ORLOWSKI 1/25 • TRISTAN PRETTYMAN 1/26 WILLY MASON 1/27 • BUILT TO SPILL 1/31 & 2/1 • EMELI SANDE 2/2 • ADAM GREEN & BINKI SHAPIRO ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com
14 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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A Last-Minute Bucket List for Procrastinators
W
by Ned Lannamann
E’VE ALL SEEN those books in the sale bin at the bookstore: 1,001 Places to Visit in Your Lifetime. 888 Books to Read While You Still Can. 733 Sexual Techniques to Try Before You Die (Plus 1 More That May Actually Kill You). Well, time’s up! It’ll be impossible to put a crack in any of those lists now, so here’s a handy list of some things that are actually achievable to do before it's all over.
1.
It’s too late to book a skydiving trip now. What’s the next best way to go from an incredible high to an incredible low, with hot wind whooshing past your face so loudly you can’t think straight? That’s right: Call your mother. It’s the emotional roller-coaster ride that will make sure your feelings are as feelings-y as possible as existence draws to a close.
2.
Wanted to climb the Himalayas or visit the Louvre? No dice: You need something that
will bring instantaneous cheer. And the fastest, sure-fire way for some emotional uplift is to dress up the dog. You’re always delighted when the dog has clothes on, so shove the poor mutt into a sweater, tie on a goofy hat, and cackle away these last precious hours.
3.
Thought you might someday wrestle a lion or punch a shark in the face? That’s no longer doable at this point, so look danger in the eye and take a shower without the rubber bath mat. The chances of falling and cracking your skull will increase, somewhat. Exciting!
4.
No time left to learn how to tango or speak Japanese. Try something a little easier and teach yourself baccarat. If it’s swanky enough for James Bond, it’s swanky enough for you. The game’s super easy—it’s like blackjack, except face cards are worth something different, I think. Maybe. Look it up online or something. Or just fake it! We’ll all be dead soon, so who will ever know?
The Mercury ’s Word Search of Eternal Strife and Never-Ending Frustration
to Celebrate the Upcoming Banal, Everyday Armageddon
That Will Be Our Undoing™ Undoing
E
by Courtney Ferguson
VERYONE’S RUNNING their fool heads around squawking about the end of the world, screaming, “Global warming!” “Shifting tectonic plates!” “Zombies!” “Gluten!” But let’s not forget the wise words of renowned cat aficionado T.S. Eliot: “This is the way the world ends/not with a bang, but a whimper.” While it’s nice to think your demise will be all romantic—full of explosions and car chases—it will most likely be from one of the many petty annoyances that plague your everyday life. BECAUSE THEY ARE INDEED A PLAGUE! Think that hangnail is just some ouchy hindrance to putting on your coat?
NO! It could very well catch on the fabric of our society, pulling asunder the world as we know it, its tiny flap of skin tugging the veils from our eyes to cast unerring light on the unknowable depths of fire and brimstone that will consume our faces in a melting screech of terror. Don’t even get me started about the Swiffer end times. For your apocalyptic pleasure, we’d like to present the Mercury’s Word Search of Eternal Strife and Never-ending Frustration to Celebrate the Upcoming Banal, Everyday Armageddon That Will Be Our Undoing™. Please have fun in these your final minutes, with the most prosaic of word puzzles, the word search.
The words run in all directions—just like you will when the end comes—forward, backward, up, down, and diagonally.
FIND: Ads Babies Bella Swan Bus Canvasser Close talker Comma splice Dog poop Drain hair Drum circle Errand FSA Grocery shopping Gyno visit Meggings Mosquitoes Movie texting Paper cut Pedestrian Plastic bag Portlandia Rainbow Spam Telemarketer Troll Typo Vegan
C M R I A H N I A O G O Z P D T RO M R A V K E O Q S MA E B I O D G S A I P S C E N E P S N L S S I T P S P B Z T G A T EH L O G G L D V S X I W E K NE Y NA C M E A GRW P A E R R A EA A D S V R N C T I S I V E Y O T E L E MA O R A I D NA L T G D R U M C I R C
R D C I B G L L AAN S O S B I B E F I P T E O E P S U L T O S U C L I T O B RAU D R P E S Q T Q I PW S L I H AAO C P N P NM O N Y G DV RK E T E R RO P Y TM L E L MWV December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 15
Thur 12/20
Wild Bells · Big Big Love Lone Madrone 8:30 p.m.
thursday, december 20 5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”
brOthers OF the hOuNd
FrIday, december 21 5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”
reverb brOthers WeLFare· LavaruNa LaFKO 9:30 p.m.
saturday, december 22 4:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”
the studeNt LOaN Pat KearNs
(OF bLue sKIes FOr bLacK hearts)
GeraLd cOLLIer 9:30 p.m.
upcoming ticketed shows: 12/28 12/29 12/31
1/4
1/5
16 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
garcia birthday band Justin rayFieLd the parson red heads oZarks Josh and mer Vagabond and tramp Jacob miLLer and the bridge city crooners weatherside whiskey band renegade stringband the weather machine
Picks
My, What a Busy Week! OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF DECEMBER 19-25
Wednesday, December 19
(NOT THAT) PATTON—Sean Patton’s played Portland enough times to have developed a following— maybe you caught his set at Bridgetown or at local showcase Funny Over Everything. But if you’ve never seen Patton, one of the sharpest young comics on the scene today: He’s weird, he’s funny, and he’s doesn’t mind being physically compared to an owl. AH Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Wed-Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $10-25
Thursday, December 20
FRIENDLY GHOSTS—Death Songs shows off ’60s-leaning pop-rock chops by way of frontman Nick Delffs’ elemental, spirit-possessed songwriting, resulting in tunes that are both feel-good and full of ghosts. The band isn’t ever afraid to get their hands dirty, and their animated live shows are spectacular, tarnished things of beauty. NL w/Barna Howard, DJ Erik Menteer; Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, FREE
QUISTMAS—For six years straight (queer?), Fannie Mae Darling’s Queer Quistmas has brought you a rollicking, randy good time. The festive variety show doubles as a fundraiser for Fannie Mae’s cancer-afflicted sister and a food and coat drive for Our House. So line your pockets with do-good money and come be entertained. CF Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $5-7
SUICYNTH—Whether it’s the weather, the holidays, money, or love, there’s something about donning black and diving headfirst into the glamorous misery and macabre of goth that makes everything okay again. The Lovecraft is inarguably the best goth bar in the city, and tonight’s Synthicide night—with DDDJJJ666 and Maxx Bass—will keep you choosing dancing over something worse. MS w/Musique Plastique; The Lovecraft, 421 SE Grand, 9 pm, FREE
Friday, December 21
Saturday, December 22
NUTZ FOR TOYS—Portland has a godfather, and his name is Cool Nutz. Like all godfathers, his parties are legend, but you must first bring him tributes, as he attempts to mount the Greatest Toy Drive Ever. Help children in need and soak up a classic show from the man synonymous with PDX hiphop. BR w/Illmaculate, Beejan, & more; Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm, $10-15 ($5 w/toy donation)
COSMIC COMICS—Attention last-minute gifthounds! Cosmic Monkey Comics is throwing a lifesaver of a holiday book signing. Local graphic novelists will be on hand to personalize copies of their work, including Greg Rucka’s excellent PDX-noir Stumptown, Aron Nels Steinke’s endearing autobio collection Big Plans, Jonathan Case’s Shakespearean monster-mash-up Dear Creature, and more. AH Cosmic Monkey Comics, 5335 NE Sandy, noon-2 pm, FREE
AS WE KNOW IT—It’s the end of the world! Or was that last week? No matter, all you need to know is that we’re celebrating the demise of the universe at Dig a Pony with the sweet, hypnotic club sounds of the Miracles Club on the decks. ’Cuz if you gotta go out, you’d better go out dancing. MS w/Bath House; Dig a Pony, 736 SE Grand, 9 pm, FREE
JUBITZMAS—There’s no better place to sport your ugly Christmas sweater than a country-rock show at a truck stop bar. Concrete Cowboys will serenade you as you throw back your Evan Williams among reindeer-sweater-clad truckers. This is one of those nights where the irony both begins and ends at Jubitz. RF Ponderosa Lounge at Jubitz Truck Stop, 10350 N Vancouver, 9 pm, $2-5 (FREE w/two cans of food)
AUGHT-ASTIC!—Think the “aught” years produced some of the best dance music ever? Then put on the clothes you were wearing 10 years ago and attend Lovestoned, an aughts dance party, featuring DJs Zack, Zac Eno, Sex Life DJs, and E*Rock spinning your fave party jams from 2000 to the end of the decade. Such as Justin Timberlake! Swoooon. WSH Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $3 (FREE before 11 pm)
Sunday, December 23 MAKE MERRY—It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and you’re staring down the barrel of spending two entire days with the fam. So get out and hear some bumpin’ live music with people you actually care about—your friends. The propulsive but subdued electronic pop of Hustle and Drone is just the kind of thing you need to ease into the next 48 hours. NL w/D.S.R.; Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 9 pm, FREE
ZUZU’S PETALS—You… are a goddamned Scrooge. So get yourself to the Hollywood for Frank Capra’s 1946 classic, It’s a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart plays a dude who thinks Xmas is balls-deep in bullshit—until a weird wingless hobo angel proves him wrong! And if that doesn’t convince him, ice cream purveyors Salt & Straw will be there selling holiday flavors! See?? LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!! WSH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 2 pm, $5-7, see Film Times on pg. 47 for more showtimes
Monday, December 24 COOL CHRISTMAS—Santa likes ’em sweaty and drunk. So head on over to the awesome Spare Room to get lubed up on eggnog and dance your fool faces off to the groovin’, well-heeled band Cool Breeze. You’ll be so hyped up, you might hear reindeer clip-clops on your roof later tonight. CF The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd, 9 pm, FREE
HE’S COMING!—Normally we scream “stranger danger!” when a fat man with a maniacal laugh comes barreling into our homes, but once a year we make an exception for jolly old St. Nick. Plate the cookies, pour the milk, open the flue, ’cuz that guy Santa’s a giver and he’s looking to stuff your stockings! CF Your home, tonight, FREE
Tuesday, December 25 MOVIES!—Can’t take a single second more of your family? Been there. Luckily, Xmas is one of the biggest days of the year for movies: New releases include Judd Apatow’s This Is 40, Les Misérables (starring Wolverine and Catwoman), Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher, and—my personal favorite—Quentin Tarantino’s blisteringly funny, tremendously bloody Django Unchained. EH See Film on pg. 43 for reviews and Film Times on pg. 47 for showtimes
MORE MOVIES!—Yeah. There aren’t many events today. But that’s fine, because Cinema 21’s got you covered: Their A Very Wes Anderson Christmas fest brings three of the director’s best to the big screen, all on 35mm: The superpopular Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, and the criminally underseen Bottle Rocket! EH Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st, see Film Times on pg. 47 for showtimes, $6-12
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 17
Thursday 12/20
Los Perros Olvidados, So Sadly Fucked, Freddy Trujillo
Saturday 12/22
Eastside Speed Machine, Johnny Payola open 10:30am - 2:30 am daily 2025 N. Kilpatrick St. 503-285-3718
18 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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Portland’s Top Five Records of 2012
UP & COMING
This Week’s Music Previews
WEDNESDAY 12/19
Another Year, Another Avalanche of Lists compiled by Ned Lannamann
DEATH SONGS, BARNA HOWARD, DJ ERIK MENTEER
A
(Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.
S THE YEAR draws to a close, the number of record-of-the-year lists approaches total overload. But if you came here looking for relief, you came to the wrong place. We asked local musicians, bookers, label heads, and many more fine folks from Portland’s illustrious music scene for their top five records of the year. They responded with a staggering array of the sounds Portlanders fell in love with in 2012. Far and away, Father John Misty’s Fear Fun turned up on the most lists; Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange and Kendrick Lamar’s Good Kid, M.A.A.D City were a bit further behind. Swans’ double album (and feel-good romp) The Seer also got a respectable number of nods, and Tame Impala’s Lonerism received plenty of love as well. We had so many responses that they didn’t all fit in here; go online to portlandmercury. com for even more top five lists, and submit your own!
(The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) On November 29 at Club 21, Boom! played their fi rst local show in a good while, and tonight is your chance for sloppy seconds. Not that they’ve been idle. The punkgarage trio dropped a whole bunch of terrifi c new songs in the past few months—the juicy new Boom! Singles compilation tape just came out on Slop Bop Records, and the A-side of their recent 7-inch on Hovercraft, “High You Can’t Buy,” could be Boom!’s fi nest moment yet. It’s a melodic piece of sticky fuzz that sounds gigantic at full blast, which is the required listening volume. For the full Boom! experience, though, get to this show and put your trembling earholes as close as possible to the source. Tonight’s pre-Christmas throwdown will be the equivalent of a Red Ryder BB gun: You’ll probably shoot something out, but that’s not gonna make you want it any less. NED LANNAMANN
FOLDING SPACE: PILLOWTALK, CENTRIKAL, METRONOME, MICAH MCNELLY
Clockwise from top left: Father John Misty has all the cookies; Swans like to gambol outside in the snow; Kendrick Lamar gets his nog on; Tame Impala just bought Boardwalk; Frank Ocean is ready to race.
Matt King (Mississippi Studios) 1. Alt-J, An Awesome Wave 2. The Men, Open Your Heart 3. Hundred Waters, Hundred Waters 4. Django Django, Django Django 5. Swans, The Seer
JOSEPH HARMON
3. Alabama Shakes, Boys and Girls 4. Jack White, Blunderbuss 5. Mumford and Sons, Babel
Chris Uehlein (Unkle Funkle, White Fang, Gnar Tapes) 1. The Memories, The Memories 2. Street Gnar, Study Wall 3. DJ Free Weed, Transit Tracker 4. Fuzz Puddle, Puddle of Fuzz 5. Gap Dream, Gap Dream
Jason Rivera (Gaytheist) 1. Wizard Rifle, Speak Loud Say Nothing 2. Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ’Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend! 3. Rabbits, Bites Rites 4. Antony and the Johnsons, Cut the World 5. AU, Both Lights
Bim Ditson (And And And, Rigsketball) 1. The We Shared Milk, History of Voyager and Legend Tripping 2. The Woolen Men, The Woolen Men 3. Minden, Exotic Cakes 4. Unkle Funkle, Picture of My Dick 5. Talkative, Frantically
Terry Currier (Music Millennium) 1. The Grip Weeds, Speed of Live 2. Joey Ramone, …Ya Know? 3. Chris Knight, Little Victories 4. Ian Hunter, When I’m President 5. JD McPherson, Signs and Signifiers
Bryan A. Deckert (Doug Fir) 1. Alt-J, An Awesome Wave 2. Poliça, Give You the Ghost 3. Alabama Shakes, Boys and Girls 4. First Aid Kit, The Lion’s Roar 5. Tame Impala, Lonerism
Evan Way (The Parson Red Heads) 1. Lambchop, Mr. M 2. Hiss Golden Messenger, Poor Moon 3. The World Record, Freeway Special 4. Sun Kil Moon, Among the Leaves 5. Beachwood Sparks, The Tarnished Gold
Matt Brown (Bladen County Records, Bunk Bar, Trigger) 1. Tame Impala, Lonerism 2. Baroness, Yellow and Green 3. Little Bighorn, Chaperones 4. Metz, Metz 5. Hiss Golden Messenger, Poor Moon
Ned Lannamann (Portland Mercury) 1. Lost Lander, DRRT 2. Kishi Bashi, 151a 3. Titus Andronicus, Local Business 4. Damien Jurado, Maraqopa 5. Cate Le Bon, Cyrk
Trevor Solomon (MusicfestNW) 1. The Men, Open Your Heart 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, The Heist 4. The Walkmen, Heaven 5. The Helio Sequence, Negotiations Brooklyn Baggett (Octopus Entertainment) 1. The xx, Coexist 2. Grizzly Bear, Shields 3. My Goodness, My Goodness 4. Rags and Ribbons, The Glass Masses 5. Poliça, Give You the Ghost Aaron Colter (Banana Stand Media) 1. Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City 2. Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ’Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend! 3. El-P, Cure for Cancer 4. Y la Bamba, Court the Storm 5. Sunset Pig, Please No Head Trauma!
BOOM!, ADULT BOOKS, DRINKING FLOWERS, SUPERSUN
Isaac Slusarenko (Jackpot Records) 1. Metz, Metz 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. The Velvet Underground, Scepter Studios Sessions 4. Ty Segall, Twins 5. Crystal Syphon, Family Evil Chris Cantino (Into the Woods, 2ØXX, PDX Pop Now!) 1. Arca, Stretch 1 2. Jeremih, Late Nights 3. Airsports, Airsports 4. Romcom, WAVrunner 5. Naomi Punk, The Feeling Chris Mays (101.9 KINK FM) 1. The Lumineers, The Lumineers 2. Bruce Springsteen, Wrecking Ball
THURSDAY 12/20
Dan Vidmar (Shy Girls) 1. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange 2. Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City 3. Jay Park, New Breed 4. Justin Bieber, Believe 5. Azealia Banks, 1991
SYNTHICIDE: DDDJJJ666, MAXX BASS, MUSIQUE PLASTIQUE (The Lovecraft, 421 SE Grand) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.
Sallie Ford (Sallie Ford and the Sound Outside) 1. Diamond Rugs, Diamond Rugs 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. Mac DeMarco, 2 4. Allah-Las, Allah-Las 5. Emily Wells, Mama Andrew Neerman, Beacon Sound 1. Andy Stott, Luxury Problems 2. Chromatics, Kill for Love 3. Cat Power, Sun 4. Pye Corner Audio, Sleep Games 5. Daphni, Jiaolong Robert Ham (freelance writer, Good to Die Records) 1. Swans, The Seer 2. Tussle, Tempest 3. Mykki Blanco, Cosmic Angel: The Illuminati Prince/ss 4. Horseback, Half Blood 5. THEESatisfaction, awE naturalE Good Night Billygoat 1. Air, Le Voyage dans la Lune 2. Anonymous (Tonality Star of PWRHAUS), Down at the Roller Rink 3. Santigold, Master of My Make-Believe 4. The Brian Jonestown Massacre, Aufheben 5. Miike Snow, Happy to You
(Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) On a mission to defy all genres, PillowTalk (Sammy D, Ryan Williams, and Michael Tello) combines classic R&B, boogie, underground house, and techno. The trio is reminiscent of a soul band dancing on the edge of a tropical funk storm. Songs laced with 808 house beats and Sammy D’s luscious doo-wop croon make for very easy listening. 2012 has been a big year for the band, with releases on Visionquest, Wolf + Lamb, and Life and Death, with more yet to come. Steering this holiday pleasure cruise is Centrikal (Patrick Anthony Frye). The techno producer and DJ has releases on several labels, including Portland’s very own SubSensory Records and Nude Photo Music, all of which showcase an affi nity for Midwestern techno and Chicago house music that any afi cionado is sure to appreciate. CHRISTINA BROUSSARD
2 CHAINZ, CAP 1 (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) College Park, Georgia’s 2Chainz has been rapping since 1997, but he did so under the questionable moniker Tity Boi until 2011. Since changing his name, he has become one of the most ubiquitous voices on the radio, featured on tracks Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Drake, Kanye West, Juicy J, and a host of other mainstream heavyweights. His signature name-call adlib and goofy lyrical demeanor have made him a fi xture on hooks (see A$AP Rocky’s new heater, “Fuckin’ Problems”), and one of the only rappers today who can turn words like “She got a big booty/So I call her big booty” into anthemic club chants. That he also wishes, in the same song, to be buried inside the Gucci and/or Louis stores when he dies is a bit depressing—but as the last few years of rap have made extremely clear, not everything is meant to be taken at face value. MIKE RAMOS
FRIDAY 12/21 COOL NUTZ, ILLMACULATE, BEEJAN, DJ OG-1, DJ FATBOY (Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) It’s telling that, when Brother Ali came through town last October and tweeted a last-minute plea for an available
Continued on pg. 20
Continued on pg. 21
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MERCURY / DANTE’S & STAR + PIZZA isto ric
The Newly Restored His
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THE PUNCTUALS
NO COVER
SATURDAY
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Best Show NO COVER Burlesque,“The Firedancers In Town!” DJs, Magic & Debauchery!
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JERAD FINCK & 7 HORSE 20-YEAR ANNIVERSARY
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JERAD FINCK & 7 HORSE
S ATIC SPEAAFZRM S C ODISIA
Johnny Magdaleno &(Mercury contributor) TH 1. Converge, All We Love We Leave Behind 2. Port St. Willow, Holiday 3. Mac DeMarco, 2 4. Flying Lotus, Until the Quiet Comes 5. Liars, WIXIW
COMING Jon Barron (SMMR BMMR, Therapists, SOON Lamebrain)
SATURDAY DEC 29 SATURDAYDEC
electrifying italian 12/19 Atlas & The Astronaut 1. Youthbitch, Don’t Fuck This Up +Random Axe+Brown Town indie folk rock TICKETBISCUIT 2. Sex Church, Somnabulist 12/21 Sonic Temple & • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY Earth 2 Ashes 3. The UV Race, Racism 12/22 DJ Pan Am 4. Lamps, Under the Water Under the Ground Cabaret 12/23 Sinferno & Transcendental Brass Band 5. Joey Ramone, ...Ya Know? 12/24 Karaoke From Hell $30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME 12/28 Lord Dying • ALL AGES + BAR 21+ Tucker Martine (Flora Recording and Playback) Spazmatics 12/29 The & Aphrodisiacs 1.The Cults Percussion Ensemble, Cults Percussion 12/30 Sinferno & Lovebomb Ensemble GoGo Marching Band 2. Rodriguez, Searching for Sugar Man 12/31 Smoochknob 1/2 Sioux 3. Mount Eerie, Clear Moon 1/4 Nick Curran Tribute 4.Theopolis Flying Lotus, Until the Quiet Comes 1/5 Dr. &5. Grand Royale Father John Misty, Fear Fun 1/9 Sulfur Valley Wranglers 1/11 Power of County Doug Rogers (Slabtown) & The Dirty Hand Band Romanes 1/12 The 1. Iceland, Carrion 1/18 Plum & Ten Pound Rain BURLESQUIRE PRESENTS 2. Rabbits, Bites Rites & 7 Horse 1/26 dada A FIRST THURSDAY ALL-MALE REVUE WITH 3. BigOf Eyes, Back from the Moon Rock PDX3 2/2 Monsters $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE Cessna’s Auto Club 2/6 Slim 4. Nude Beach, II
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MONDAY - NEW YEAR’S EVE
DEC 31
SATURDAY JAN 5 ROBOTS & NURSES NYE PARTY SATURDAYJAN
Jason Simms (Oregonian) 1. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 2. Witch Mountain, Cauldron of the Wild 3. The Beach Boys, That’s Why God Made the Radio 4. Atriarch, Ritual of Passing 5. Radiation City, Cool Nightmare
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$10 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME
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SATURDAY FEB 16 & THE SMOOCHGIRLS SATURDAYFEB16
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PLUS IN OVERDOSEUT K A ER AM STRONAR. Jared White (Clinton Street Record & Stereo, ATLAS & THE GAIA BOT! NT RO2510 E H T Records, DJ Maxx Bass) & BLINKY 1. Uku Kuut, Vision of Estonia MAR FRIDAY MAR 88 2. Andy Stott, Luxury Problems $21 ADVANCE
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PAPA MORE SHOWS DYNAMITE NICK WITH JAN 4 CURRAN TRIBUTEWITH PAPA MORE SHOWS SHOWS FRIDAY NICK DYNAMITE JAN 4 CURRAN SATURDAY DR THEOPOLIS WITH BEASTIE BOYS TRIBUTE JAN 5 TRIBUTE GRANDE ROYALE SATURDAY20-YEAR DRANNIVERSARY THEOPOLIS WITH BEASTIE BOYS TRIBUTE JAN 5 SATURDAY JAN 26 GRANDE ROYALE $5 ADV 9:30PM
Lord Dying
$7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
Jordan Kinley (Into the Woods)
WITH LEGION WITHIN
FRIDAY
FRIDAY
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EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE
THE BITTER ROOTS
4. Mouse on Mars, Parastrophics KARAOKE WITH A LIVE BAND FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS ! 5. Lambchop, Mr. M
Claudia Meza (Stay DECCalm) 29 1. Chromatics, Kill for Love $10 ADV 2. Golden Retriever, Occupied with the Unspoken 9:30PM 3. 2 Chainz, Based on a T.R.U. Story BURLESQUIRE PRESENTS 4. Bikini Kill, reissues THE A FIRST THURSDAY ALL-MALE REVUE WITH 5. Grapefruit, Grapefruit
• 21+ ONLY
AM SMOOCHGIRLS & THE THE ASTRONAUT
So You Wanna Be A ROCK STAR ?
Ken Cheppaikode (Dirtnap Records, Green Noise Records) 1. Tyvek, On Triple Beams 2. Sugar Stems, Can’t Wait 3. The Splits, The Splits 4. Youthbitch, Don’t Fuck This Up 5. OBN IIIs, OBN IIIs
BOYEURISM THURSDAY JAN 33 THURSDAYJAN FRIDAY JAN 4 FRIDAYJAN S BOYEURISM E L C A NN 4 PYJAN FRIDAY FRIDAYJAN S E L C A SATURDAY JAN 5 SATURDAYJAN PYNN
TICKETS AVAILABLE AT DANTE’S, STAR THEATER & WWW.DANTESLIVE.COM OR CALL 503-345-7892
FREE SHOW • NO COVER • 8PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
Garth Klippert (Old Light) 1. MSG, Peak of Excitement (DVD) DEC 28 Mike Coykendall, Chasing Away the Dots electrifying 2. italian Here We Go Magic, A Different Ship indie folk3.rock 4. Thee Oh Sees, Putrifiers II 5. Boron, The Beige Album
SATURDAY JAN 5 5 SMOOCHKNOB ROBOTS & NURSES NYE PARTY SATURDAYJAN SATURDAY FEB 16 & THE SMOOCHGIRLS SATURDAYFEB16 SMOOCHKNOB PLUS SE K SATURDAY FEB 16 SATURDAYFEB16 ERA IN OVERDO
$18 ADV 9:30PM
$7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
FromHelHell l Karaoke From SINFERNO Karaoke FRIDAY DEC 28 FRIDAYDEC
4. Steve Moore, Zero-Point Field 5. Monolake, Ghosts c a b a r e t 9pm - TRANSCENDENTAL BRASS BAND
SOON
DEC 31
JAN 26
PRESTON LEVINE OUELLETTE
“The Best Show In Town!”
BITTER ROOTS FRIDAY DEC 28 THE FRIDAYDEC italian SATURDAY DEC 29 electrifying SATURDAYDEC indie folk rock ROOTS BITTER COMING
ROBOTS &- NURSES NYE PARTY MONDAY NEW YEAR’S EVE
$18 ADV 9:30PM
SONIC TEMPLE
FREE SHOW • NO COVER • 8PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
12/19 Atlas & The Astronaut +Random Axe+Brown Town TICKETBISCUIT 12/21 Sonic Temple & • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY Earth 2 Ashes 12/22 DJ Pan Am 12/19 Atlas & The Astronaut 12/23 Sinferno Cabaret TICKETBISCUIT & Transcendental+Random Brass BandAxe+Brown Town • 9PM SHOWTIME 12/21 Sonic • 21+ ONLY From Hell Temple & 12/24 Karaoke $30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME Earth 2 Ashes 12/28 Lord Dying • ALL AGES + BAR 21+ DJ Pan Am Spazmatics 12/29 The 12/22 Sinferno Cabaret & The12/23 Aphrodisiacs Transcendental Brass Band 12/30 Sinferno & &Lovebomb Karaoke $30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME GoGo12/24 Marching Band From Hell • ALL AGES + BAR 21+ 12/28 Lord Dying 12/31 Smoochknob 12/29 The Spazmatics 1/2 Sioux & The Aphrodisiacs 1/4 Nick Curran Tribute 12/30 Sinferno & Lovebomb 1/5 Dr. Theopolis GoGo Marching Band & Grand Royale 12/31Wranglers Smoochknob 1/9 Sulfur Valley 1/2 Sioux 1/11 Power of County 1/4Hand Nick & The Dirty Band Curran Tribute Dr. Theopolis Romanes 1/12 The 1/5 & Grand Rain Royale 1/18 Plum & Ten Pound BURLESQUIRE PRESENTS 1/9&Sulfur Valley Wranglers 7 Horse 1/26 dada A FIRST THURSDAY 1/11 Power ALL-MALE REVUE WITH 2/2 Monsters Of Rock PDX3 of County The Dirty $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY EMCEE ANGELIQUE DEVILLE Club Hand Band 2/6 Slim Cessna’s& Auto 1/12 The Romanes 2/9 Kultur Shock 1/18 Plum & Ten Pound Rain 3/7 Electric Six & 7 Horse 1/26 dada TICKETS AVAILABLE AT Of Rock PDX3 2/2 Monsters $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY DANTE’S, STAR & Slim Cessna’s Auto Club 2/6 THEATER WWW.DANTESLIVE.COM 2/9 Kultur Shock OR CALL 503-345-7892 3/7 Electric Six $5 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME
DEC 31
FRIDAY END OF THE WORLD PARTY
EARTH 2 ASHES 50 SHOWS FRIDAY DEC FRIDAYDEC 21 50 SHOWS Tyler Keene (Log Across the Washer) THE BIGGEST 50 DAYS THE BIGGEST 50 DAYS COMEDY APOCALYPSE! 1. Bob Dylan, Tempest COMEDY TOUR COMEDY TOUR EVER! 50 STATES 2. The Mars Volta, Noctourniquet EVER! 50 STATES SATURDAY “TOYS FOR TITS” 3. Keyshia Cole, Woman to Woman SUNDAY DEC 23 SUNDAYDEC 23 CHRISTMAS COMEDY APOCALYPS NO COVER COMEDY APOCALYPSE! 4. The We Shared Milk, History of Voyager and SPECIAL T HETHE THE Legend Tripping THE EDED E H Christina Broussard (Mercury contributor, FOTRFOR “MILE HIGH CLUB” MANMAN FOR TITS” FOR TITS” 5. 2ØXX, 3D_ØRB NOW23 FORMAN ED ADEC SUNDAY DEC 23 SUNDAYDEC 23 “TOYS SUNDAY SHM 23 “TOYS OR CHRISTMAS FFORMAN OSH DSUNDAYDEC CHRISTMAS Sci Fi Sol Music) W EED Burlesque, Firedancers 1. Animal Bodies, Kiss of the Fang SHOW W SHOW HOTTHE T S SPECIAL HSprinkles) DJs, Magic & Debauchery! SUNDAY MONDAY THE ETHE SPECIAL HE THE THE Lane Barrington (the Ocean Floor, EDED THE EDED H FOT E 2. True Widow, As DEC High H FO TR R 23as the Highest Heavens DECand 24 FOR ME N FOR ANMA M MA N A N 1. Hundred Waters, Hundred Waters FORMAN ED FORMAN ED ANOW FORMAN ED the Center to the Circumference of the Earth FORMAN ED AN SHM M OR SH F OSH OR D W F OSH E FRIDAY DEC 28 FRIDAYDEC OW from DTHE W E 2. Mount Eerie, Clear Moon SHOW SHOW SHOW HOW SHOW S HOW 3. 214, Fuzzy Leash S 3. Dirty Projectors, Swing Lo Magellan
COMING KARAOKE WITH A LIVE BAND SOON FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS !
S ATIC SPEAAFZRM S C IA IS D O & TH S ATIAIC SPAZRM S C ODIS THE
ANGEL JUSTIN SNOW VIVIAN BOND
2. Ty Segall Band, Slaughterhouse 3. Ty Segall and White Fence, Hair 4. Donald Fagen, Sunken Condos 5. The Walkmen, Heaven
PRESTON LEVINE OUELLETTE
So You Wanna Be A ROCK STAR ?
Lord Lord Dying Dying
DEC 28
$25 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 8PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
+ SECOND 1.BEST Ty Segall, Twins
FREE SHOW • NO COVER • 8PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
So You Wanna Be A ROCK STAR ?
DEC 289pm - TRANSCENDENTAL BRASS BAND
FR H∞kers) ATLAS& THE ASTRONAUT Street Nights, SHOW MX
Cassingle and Loving It Records) $12 ADV 9:30PM 1. Nucular Aminals, Start from anTHE End PUNCTUALS 2. Beach House, Bloom 3. DIIV, Oshin 4. Deep Time, Deep Time 22 5. Chromatics, Kill DEC for Love
50 STATES FRIDAY DEC 21 21 FRIDAYDEC
FromHelHell l Karaoke From SINFERNO Karaoke FromHellHell Karaoke From SINFERNO Karaoke FRIDAY SUNDAY
RANDOM AXE & BROWN WEDNESDAY DEC 19 WEDNESDAYDEC 19 PICA JakeTOWN Morris E E(Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks,PRESENTS
DEC 21 Room, Rachel Rhymes (Record
$7 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT • 9PM SHOWTIME • 21+ ONLY
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DEC 22
THE BIGGEST COMEDY TOUR EVER!
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1. Agent Ribbons, Family Haircut PICA 2. Cat Power, Sun DEC 19 PRESENTS 3. The Mallard, Yes on BloodDANTE’S FREE ROCK SHOWCASE! 4. Orca Team, Restraint 5. Garbage, Not Your Kind of People
WANDERLUST CIRCUS JENNY PENNY 20 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
MONDAY DEC 31 STAR THEATER $30 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT 9PM SHOWTIME ALL-AGES + BAR 21+
FRIDAY
NICK CURRAN TRIBUTE
SATURDAY
MORE SHOWS
DR THEOPOLIS
GRANDE ROYALE
SATURDAY
dada
ABNEY PARK
4. David Byrne and St. Vincent, Love This Giant 5. Weinland, Los Processaur
Chad Crouch (Hush Records) 1. Peter Broderick, http://itstartshear.com 2. Laura Gibson, La Grande 3. Black Prairie, A Tear in the Eye Is a Wound in the
Arya Imig (OPBmusic, Backspace, Someday Lounge) 1. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 2. Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City 3. Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel... 4. David Byrne and St. Vincent, Love This Giant 5. Crocodiles, Endless Flowers
A STEAMPUNK NEW YEAR’S E MONDAY DEC STAR THEAT
WANDERLUST CIRCUS JENNY PENNY
$30 AD TICKETB 9PM SHO ALL-AGES + B
(5 0 3) 2 3 2 - 0 0 5 6 News
Feature
Picks
Music
Arts
Dave Depper 1. Swans, The Seer 2. Pure Bathing Culture, Pure Bathing Culture 3. Here We Go Magic, A Different Ship 4. Miguel, Kaleidoscope Dream 5. What Hearts, What Hearts Terry Groves (Pickathon) 1. Beachwood Sparks, The Tarnished Gold 2. Thee Oh Sees, Putrifier II 3. Woods, Bend Beyond 4. Sonny and the Sunsets, Longtime Companion 5. Rodriguez, Searching for Sugar Man Charlie Salas Humara (Grapefruit, Sun Angle, Regular Music) 1. Sylvester Anfang II, Latitudes 2. Jib Kidder, Steal Guitars 3. Adderall Canyonly and Oxykitten, The Cutting Room 4. White Fang, Positive Feedback 5. White Rainbow, Trick Shot Jon Ragel (Boy Eats Drum Machine) 1. Kid Koala, 12 Bit Blues 2. Dark Time Sunshine, ANX 3. Mpala Guroo, Ou Du Monde 4. Trust, TRST 5. Xiu Xiu, Always Pete Bosack (Wax Fingers) 1. Grizzly Bear, Shields 2. Liars, WIXIW 3. Dirty Projectors, Swing Lo Magellan 4. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange 5. David Byrne and St. Vincent, Love This Giant David Rose (the Know, Bulkhead Records) 1. Wiccans, Field II 2. Ghostwriter, Prayin’ All the Time 3. Bi-Marks, Bi-Marks 7-inch 4. Nucular Aminals, Start from an End 5. Synthetic ID, Synthetic ID 7-inch Scott Magee (DJ Cooky Parker, Y la Bamba) 1. Cool Million, III 2. Breakbot, By Your Side 3. Dark Dark Dark, Who Needs Who 4. Miguel, Kaleidoscope Dream 5. Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City Laura Veirs 1. Rodriguez, Searching for Sugar Man 2. Lau, Race the Loser 3. Beth Orton, Sugaring Season 4. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 5. Brad Meldau Trio, Ode Anna Jensen (Doug Fir) 1. Alt-J, An Awesome Wave 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange 4. Shovels and Rope, O’ Be Joyful 5. Japandroids, Celebration Rock Andy Holland (Mike Thrasher Presents) 1. Japandroids, Celebration Rock 2. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange 3. King Tuff, King Tuff 4. Ty Segall, Twins 5. Mark Lanegan Band, Blues Funeral Arian Jalali (Concrete Floor, Onuinu, Dubais) 1. X-TG, Desertshore/The Final Report 2. Gatekeeper, Exo 3. Litanic Mask, Litanic Mask 4. White Car, Everyday Grace 5. Nic Hamersly, Wonderland Morgan Troper (Mercury contributor, Your Rival) 1. The Sidekicks, Awkward Breeds 2. Redd Kross, Researching the Blues 3. Ben Folds Five, The Sound of the Life of the Mind 4. Title Fight, Floral Green 5. Pity Sex, Dark World Jim Brunberg (Mississippi Studios) 1. David Byrne and St. Vincent, Love This Giant 2. Leonard Cohen, Old Ideas 3. Tindersticks, The Something Rain 4. Laura Gibson, La Grande 5. Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel… Kenny Fresh (FRSH SLCTS) 1. Hawthorne Headhunters, Myriad of Now 2. Sonnymoon, Sonnymoon 3. Kendrick Lamar, Good Kid, M.A.A.D City 4. Tame Impala, Lonerism 5. Hiatus Kaiyote, Tawk Tomahawk Brent Knopf (Ramona Falls) 1. Kishi Bashi, 151a 2. The Helio Sequence, Negotiations
Continued on pg. 23
Food
Film
Sex
TV
Fun
UP & COMING
This Week’s Music Previews
Continued from pg. 19
studio to record a verse, it was Cool Nutz who stepped up to the plate and hooked the man up. Nutz is a double-decade veteran of the Portland music scene who has taken Illmaculate to Australia, E-40 to Europe, and tour managed East Oakland’s Kreayshawn and Portland’s own DJ Fatboy all the way to a national television appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. In addition to all of his efforts to push West Coast hiphop to international audiences, Nutz fi nds time to promote local up-andcoming artists on his radio show, as well as hosting benefi ts like tonight’s hyperbolic “Best Toy Drive Ever.” Seriously, though, name a better toy drive. Take your time. You can’t, can you? RYAN FEIGH Also see My, What a Busy Week! , pg. 17.
PAUL DI’ANNO, LONERO (Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE Cesar E. Chavez) For Iron Maiden’s fi rst two records, Paul Di’Anno’s tough, punk-rock snarl and leather look was just what the band needed to help them stomp onto the heavy metal scene. Unfortunately, the powers that be soon determined that what they really needed was someone who could keep up with the Rob Halfords of the world. Enter Bruce Dickinson, and the rest is history. Despite the bummer for Di’Anno, no metal fan can deny his important role in creating the music they hold dear. So, has anybody told him that? ’Cause he may not know. His bands Gogmagog, Battlezone, and Killers never quite caught on like Maiden did, so now, 30 years later—and following a jail sentence in 2011 for claiming incapacity benefi ts while still earning income from live performances—Di’Anno’s resorting to the “Remember This? ” tour. While it might be an extremely pitiful display, it also might be amazing to see Iron Maiden sung in its entirety by the voice that originally helmed it. Throw the man one last bone. It’s sad, but he earned it and he deserves it. ARIS WALES
www.eastendpdx.net
WEDS. 12/19 - PSYCHONAUT, ORCHIDS, LOOSE VALUES, NASALROD THURS. 12/20 - DJ GORGON STARE, DJ NASTY NATE
FRI. 12/21 - THE PHARMACY, GRRRLFRIEND, MYTHOLOGICAL HORSES SAT. 12/22 - EAST END 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY
FEATURING - ADVERTS - XRAY SPECS - BUZZCOCKS - DAMNED - THE CLASH
SATURDAY 12/22 LOVESTONED: AUGHTS DANCE PARTY: DJ ZACK, SEX LIFE DJS, DJ ZAC ENO, DJ E*ROCK (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.
PDX-MAS: HOSANNAS, JUST LIONS, OLD AGE, THE WORLD RADIANT (Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) What better way to celebrate the holidays than to support your favorite free music festival, PDX Pop Now! (If it’s not your favorite, you’re either a Grinch or you’ve never been.) This will be basically like getting yourself a present so far in advance that you forget about it entirely, which will make it all the more surprising and rewarding when the July festival rolls around. For now, treat yourself with the delicate melodies of Hosannas, the soothing pop-rock of Just Lions, the lo-fi folk charm of Old Age, and, last but not least, the subtle, warm tunes of the World Radiant. This show is one of few chances you’ll have to drink and dance your way into benefiting your future self and your city come summertime, so do us all a favor and keep your tab open. RACHEL MILBAUER
NEW YEAR’S EVE CRUISEon the Portland Spirit DECEMBER 31; 10PM-1AM LIVE MUSIC EVER-CHANGING SCENERY RING IN THE NEW YEAR IN STYLE
KELLI SCHAEFER, TOPE, SLANG (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Representing Amigo/Amiga Recordings’ diverse catalog of Portland artists is, well, all three of the acts currently on their roster, all performing for the label’s annual holiday party tonight. Kelli Schaefer’s ascent from meat-and-potatoes folk-pop songwriter to minimalist electronic canoodler has been one of the more engaging musical evolutions of the past few years. Similarly, hiphop wunderkind Tope’s welldeserved exposure into the collective consciousness of the rap underground has been a beacon for backpack rhymers in the Rose City, and his remix of Schaefer’s “Home” was one of the more successful crossover achievements of recent years. Rounding out the festivities is the amazeballs cover-song styling of Slang, also known as Janet Weiss (Wild Flag) and Drew Grow, minus his usual compadres in the Pastors’ Wives. Get out of the cold, support local music and a great local label all at once. RYAN J. PRADO
EAST END’S FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY: AUSTIN COOK, THE LOVESORES, TANYA, GUN PARTY, DEFECT DEFECT, DI DI MAU, YOUTHBITCH (East End, 203 SE Grand) For fi ve glorious years, underground Portland bands and music fans alike
Continued on pg. 23
Let’s Celebrate
Lunch - Brunch - Dinner - Sightseeing Local family owned since 1994
Portland Spirit River Cruiseswww.portlandspirit.com December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 21
BENEATH THE HISTORIC
Randy Rogers Band and Wade Bowen thursday january 17 Mississippi studios 3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX
RIALTO POOL ROOM
4th & Alder Downtown Portland www.rialtopoolroom.com 503-228-7605
12/20-
wednesday january 23 newMark theatre 1111 sw BroAdwAy · portlANd, or 5:30pM doors · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX
“the gentle giant”
Double-Header of Awesome!
Kick Ass Oregon History @ 7:30; Elvis' Xmas Show @ 9 12/21Apocalypse Party@9 12/22Sinister Solstice goth/IND @9 OPEN CHRISTMAS DAY @ 5PM
529 SW 4th Ave.
saturday february 16 crystal ballrooM
1332 w BurNside st · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · All Ages tickets At cAscAde tickets chArge By phoNe 855-cAs-tiXX X2 tickets Also At the crystAl BAllrooM BoX office
tuesday april 23 elsinore theater
170 high st se · sAleM, or · 7:30pM show · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX
the NeXt Best thiNg to JohNNy cAsh
sunday March 3 theater of the clouds at the rose Garden
squarepegconcerts.com
oNe ceNter court · portlANd, or eArly 2:00pM show · lAte 5:00pM show tickets At rose QuArter BoX office, oNliNe At roseQuArter.coM, At pArticipAtiNg sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs, ANd By phoNe At 877.789.rose (7673)
22 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
friday May 3 Mississippi studios
3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX
News
Feature
Picks
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Arts
Food
Film
Sex
TV
Fun
Continued from pg. 21 3. Micachu and the Shapes, Never 4. Tu Fawning, A Monument 5. Dana Buoy, Summer Bodies
Louie Herr (Banana Stand Media) 1. Radiation City, Cool Nightmare 2. Onuinu, Mirror Gazer 3. The We Shared Milk, History of Voyager and Legend Tripping 4. The Memories, The Memories 5. Ty Segall Band, Slaughterhouse Geoff Soule (Sad Horse) 1. The Great Unwashed, Clean out of Our Minds 2. The Woolen Men, The Woolen Men 3. Mahmoud Ahmed, Mahmoud Ahmed (reissue) 4. Francis Bebey, African Electronic Music 1975-1982 5. Julia Holter, Ekstasis Ryan Wines (Marmoset Music) 1. Radiation City, Cool Nightmare 2. Pure Bathing Culture, Pure Bathing Culture 3. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 4. Delta Spirit, Delta Spirit 5. Damien Jurado, Maraqopa Angry Symphony Guy 1. Oregon Symphony, This England 2. Nicki Minaj, Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded 3. Ben Folds Five, The Sound of the Life of the Mind 4. Dana Buoy, Summer Bodies 5. John Mayer, Born and Raised Aris Wales (Mercury contributor, Order of the Gash) 1. Van Halen, A Different Kind of Truth
Continued on pg. 24
SUNDAY 12/23 HUSTLE AND DRONE, D.S.R. (Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.
AMY RAY, LINDSAY FULLER, KAIA WATSON (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) No joke—Amy Ray’s solo effort released earlier in the year, Lung of Love, very nearly infi ltrated my top fi ve albums of 2012 list. Although it didn’t quite make the cut, it is a solid-as-hell pop record. I’ve always considered myself a bit of an Indigo Girls apologist, always coming to the band’s defense whenever one of my unenlightened friends slags ’em (just the other day I heard somebody singing the chorus to “Closer to Fine” mockingly—needless to say, I dished it out). But Lung of Love might be better than anything Ray has been involved with to date; “Glow” sounds sort of like a misplaced Figure 8 gem (!), and the title track absolutely kills. If you’re surprised... well, you shouldn’t be. MORGAN TROPER
MONDAY 12/24 COOL BREEZE
ers
NEW LOW PRICES ON PRO KEYBOARDS AT PORTLAND MUSIC CO.
www.portlandmusiccompany.com SE M.L.King : 503-226-3719 Beaverton: 503-641-5505 S.E Division : 503-760-6881
OPEN EVERYDAY
(The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.
TUESDAY 12/25 A very happy birthday to country superstar Barbara Mandrell, as well as to Dido, Annie Lennox, Jimmy Buffett, Monsieur Rickey Henderson, and the lovely Sissy Spacek. Oh, and Shane MacGowan! (But not his teeth, they have a different birthday.) Oh yes, and it’s Karl Rove’s birthday, too. And Sir Isaac Newton! Let’s see. Are we forgetting anyone?
nos
Kevin O’Connor (Talkdemonic) 1. Ty Segall and White Fence, Hair 2. Steve Hauschildt, Tragedy and Geometry 3. Beach House, Bloom 4. Tame Impala, Lonerism 5. Porcelain Raft, Strange Weekend
(Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) The 2012 EP from Tango Alpha Tango, Kill & Haight, is spiked with dirty, badass guitar riffs and twangy vocals by Nathan Trueb that punch with attitude. It would be too easy to compare this PDX trio to the Black Keys, but the two bands certainly draw inspiration from the same old-school, bluesy well. Tonight they celebrate the release of Live from the Banana Stand, recorded at the fabled Portland house venue. Catch them with Minden, a newer band to the Portland scene, and one that oozes with an effortless-seeming suaveness that makes them all the more desirable. Their recent LP, Exotic Cakes, offers dreamy songs that are fun and intriguing, and a welcome addition to the ever-expanding sphere of Portland pop. RM
e Pia
Nate Query (Black Prairie, the Decemberists) 1. Lavender Diamond, Incorruptible Heart 2. Carolina Chocolate Drops, Leaving Eden 3. Lost Lander, DRRT 4. Vijay Iyer Trio, Accelerando 5. Father John Misty, Fear Fun
TANGO ALPHA TANGO, MINDEN
Stag
Leonard Mynx 1. Insane Clown Posse, The Mighty Death Pop! 2. Hoobastank, Fight or Flight 3. John Mayer, Born and Raised 4. Municipal Waste, The Fatal Feast 5. Lamb of God, Resolution
have found a loving home at the East End bar and music venue. The club carved its niche in embracing an aesthetic and sensibility that hearkened to London’s hallowed “East End” scene at the height of its hipness, and has fl ourished due to excellent booking, staffi ng, and an atmosphere conducive to maximum rock ’n’ roll. They’re marking a half decade by recreating 1976’s seminal 100 Club Punk Special festival: and Portland’s own will cover legendary bands of yesteryear. It’s the perfect way to celebrate what’s been done and what’s yet to come with a fi tting lineup of local acts, including two that essentially embody the East End vibe—Di Di Mau (performing Damned songs) and Youthbitch (taking on the Buzzcocks). Both bands are equal parts performance and punk, alternately sullen, snarling, and vivacious, all descriptors that could also apply to a certain side of our city. MARANDA BISH
hesiz
Jason Quigley (music photographer) 1. Corin Tucker Band, Kill My Blues 2. Menomena, Moms 3. Alabama Shakes, Boys and Girls 4. Deer or the Doe, Tonight We Love You 5. Bruce Springsteen, Wrecking Ball
Continued from pg. 19
Synt
Radiation City 1. Chairlift, Something 2. Tame Impala, Lonerism 3. Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel… 4. Abadabad, The Wild EP 5. Opossom, Electric Hawaii
This Week’s Music Previews
ions
The Suicide Notes 1. The Flip-Tops, Are Still a Band 2. The Satin Chaps, Might I Suggest 3. Imperial State Electric, Pop War 4. King Tuff, King Tuff 5. Unnatural Helpers, Land Grab
UP & COMING
AVE WE H OARDS KEYB
Mark Lore (Mercury contributor, thedaysoflore. com) 1. Tilts, Tilts 2. Swans, The Seer 3. Lisabö, Animalia Lotsatuen Putzua 4. King Tuff, King Tuff 5. Ozarks, Ozarks
BOOM! The Know, 12/19
stat
Matt Sheehy (Lost Lander) 1. Dana Buoy, Summer Bodies 2. Talk Talk, Spirit of Eden (reissue) 3. The Helio Sequence, Negotiations 4. Niki and the Dove, Instinct 5. Spiritualized, Sweet Heart Sweet Light
KORG ROLAND YAMAHA
Work
Harrison Rapp (Divers) 1. King Tuff, King Tuff 2. Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel... 3. Neon Piss, Neon Piss 4. Nude Beach, II 5. Larry Yes and the Tangled Mess, The Next Wave of Omnigalactic Peace Warriors
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 23
News
Feature
Picks
Music
Arts
Continued from pg. 23 2. Christian Mistress, Possession 3. The Darkness, Hot Cakes 4. Pallbearer, Sorrow and Extinction 5. Tusmørke, Underjordisk Tusmørke Luke Wyland (AU) 1. Patrick Watson, Adventures in Your Own Backyard 2. Angel Olsen, Half Way Home 3. Scott Walker, Bish Bosch 4. Swans, The Seer 5. Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ’Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend! Christopher Michael (Boom!) 1. Unkle Funkle, Picture of My Dick 2. Natural Child, For the Love of the Game 3. Terry Malts, Killing Time 4. Taylor Swift, Red 5. The Memories, Love Is the Law Michael Rowan, Andrew Clyde, Josh Smith (Charts) 1. The Woolen Men, The Woolen Men 2. Nathan Baumgarter and Tyler Keene, Sounds from Dancing in the USA, Volume 1 3. The We Shared Milk, The History of Voyager and Legend Tripping 4. Death Songs, Death Songs 7-inch 5. And And And, No Party 7-inch
Holiday_2012.pdf
1
11/16/12
2:49 PM
Sex
TV
Fun
5. Pure Bathing Culture, Pure Bathing Culture Erik Carlson (SoHiTek Records, DoublePlusGood) 1. Pegasus Dream, In Absentia 2. Chairlift, Something 3. Chromatics, Kill for Love 4. Beach House, Bloom 5. Bobby Womack, The Bravest Man in the Universe Courtney Sheedy (Houndstooth, Point Juncture WA, What Hearts) 1. The Walkmen, Heaven 2. Pinback, Information Retrieved 3. Deerhoof, Breakup Song 4. Beach House, Bloom 5. Deer or the Doe, Tonight We Love You Tim and Mark Janchar (Hovercraft Records) 1. Nucular Aminals, Start from an End 2. The Memories, The Memories 3. Guantanamo Baywatch, Chest Crawl 4. Youthbitch, Don’t Fuck This Up 5. The Shivas, Whiteout Mike Elias (Denver, Tomahawk Portland) 1. Shovels and Rope, O’ Be Joyful 2. Bruce Springsteen, Wrecking Ball 3. Blitzen Trapper, American Goldwing 4. Barna Howard, Barna Howard 5. Dwight Yoakam, 3 Pears Big Black Cloud 1. Death Grips, No Love Deep Web 2. Tyvek, On Triple Beams 3. Elliott Carter, 12 Short Epigrams 4. Doomsday Student, A Jumper’s Handbook 5. Tiny Knives, Static
Gina Altamura (Holocene) 1. Purity Ring, Shrines 2. How to Dress Well, Total Loss 3. Dirty Projectors, Swing Lo Magellan 4. Laurel Halo, Quarantine 5. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange
Ryan Hayes (Us Lights) 1. Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ’Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend! 2. Sharon Van Etten, Tramp 3. Neurosis, Honor Found in Decay 4. Delicate Steve, Positive Force 5. Swans, The Seer
Heather Larimer (Eux Autres) 1. Allo Darlin’, Europe 2. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti, Mature Themes 3. King Tuff, King Tuff 4. Deerhoof, Breakup Song 5. Jaill, Traps
Nalin Silva (Revolver Studios, Kelly’s Olympian, Mississippi Studios) 1. The We Shared Milk, History of Voyager and Legend Tripping 2. Tiger House, Acid Banshee//Camel Party 3. Federale, The Blood Flowed Like Wine 4. Paper Brain, Begin Again 5. Talkative, Live from the Banana Stand
M
Film
Michael G. Levasseur (Michael the Blind and the Els) 1. Towering Trees, Towering/Trees 2. Blood Beach, “Dead Maester’s Tongue” 7-inch 3. Lewi Longmire, Tales of the Left Coast Roasters 4. The Helio Sequence, Negotiations 5. Black Prairie, A Tear in the Eye Is a Wound in the Heart
Ryan Prado (Mercury contributor) 1. Thee Oh Sees, Putrifiers II 2. Solos, Beast of Both Worlds 3. Jessica Pratt, Jessica Pratt 4. Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel… 5. Pangea, “Killer Dreams” 7-inch
C
Food
Ingrid Renan (Exploding Green Management) 1. Dirty Projectors, Swing Lo Magellan 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. Frank Ocean, Channel Orange 4. Pure Bathing Culture, Pure Bathing Culture 5. Unkle Funkle, Picture of My Dick Rachel Demy (Assistant tour manager/ merchandise for the Shins) 1. Swans, The Seer 2. Damien Jurado, Maraqopa 3. Cate Le Bon, Cyrk 4. Mark Lanegan, Blues Funeral 5. Bat for Lashes, The Haunted Man Andrew R Tonry (Mercury contributor) 1. The Mean Jeans, Mean Jeans on Mars 2. Perfume Genius, Put Your Back N 2 It 3. Here We Go Magic, A Different Ship 4. The Memories, The Memories 5. Mac DeMarco,
Greg Glover (94/7 KNRK) 1. Pond, Beard, Wives, Denim 2. The Maccabees, Given to the Wild 3. Japandroids, Celebration Rock 4. Django Django, Django Django 5. Nude Beach, II
Vincent Bancheri (Mama Bird Recording Co.) 1. Shovels and Rope, O’ Be Joyful 2. Spirit Family Reunion, No Separation 3. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 4. Bruce Springsteen, Wrecking Ball 5. Titus Andronicus, Local Business
Jeremiah Hayden (Amigo Amiga Recordings) 1. Damien Jurado, Maraqopa 2. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 3. Liars, WIXIW 4. Spiritualized, Sweet Heart Sweet Light 5. THEESatisfaction, awE naturalE
Theo Craig (Smoke Signals, Rontoms) 1. Tame Impala, Lonerism 2. Beach House, Bloom 3. Ty Segall Band, Slaughterhouse 4. Y la Bamba, Court the Storm 5. Grizzly Bear, Shields
Reed Wallsmith (Blue Cranes, Battle Hymns and Gardens, AU) 1. Zammuto, Zammuto 2. Golden Retriever, Occupied with the Unspoken 3. Black Prairie, A Tear in the Eye Is a Wound in the Heart 4. Brian Blade, Mama Rosa 5. Tim Berne, Snakeoil
Rebecca Wilson (Mercury contributor) 1. Tu Fawning, A Monument 2. Cody Chesnutt, Landing on a Hundred 3. R. Kelly, Write Me Back 4. Laura Gibson, La Grande 5. Azealia Banks, Fantasea
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The No Tomorrow Boys 1. Youthbitch, Don’t Fuck This Up 2. Primitive Idols, 7-inch 3. The Lovesores, “Fast Friends” 7-inch 4. The Suicide Notes, “Hey Baby!” 7-inch 5. Guantanamo Baywatch, Chest Crawl Katie Bernstein, John Gnorski (Houndstooth) 1. Deep Time, Deep Time 2. Sharon Van Etten, Tramp 3. Sonny and the Sunsets, Longtime Companion 4. The Walkmen, Heaven
Robbie Augspurger (Ozarks) 1. Sebastien Tellier, My God Is Blue 2. Jean-Claude Vannier, Roses Rouge Sang 3. Tame Impala, Lonerism 4. White Fence, Family Perfume Vol. 1 5. Air, Le Voyage dans la Lune Jeremy Petersen (OPBmusic) 1. The Walkmen, Heaven 2. Grizzly Bear, Shields 3. Father John Misty, Fear Fun 4. Moonface, With Siinai: Heartbreaking Bravery 5. Damien Jurado, Maraqopa Read the rest at portlandmercury.com!
Music
2 CHAINZ Roseland, 12/20
Live Music
LISTINGS WEDNESDAY 12/19
ALADDIN THEATER—Kinky Friedman, Brian Molnar, 8 pm, $30 AL’S DEN—Sam Eliad, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Mohawk Yard, Blackout Dates, The Gates, 9:30 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Baby It’s Cold Outside: Alex Lightspeed, DJ Deformaty, Bad Habitat, Strive, Sidetracked, Alex Bradley, ECUA, 8 pm, $5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Half-Step Shy Happy Hour: David Gerow, 6 pm, all ages; Stringed Migration, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Nicole Glover, 7 pm BUFFALO GAP—Andy Stokes, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Tiger House, Liquidlight, Here Come Dots, 9 pm, $6 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm ★ EAST END—Nasalrod, Drunk Dad, Orchids, Fine Pets, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Crown Point, 7 pm, free EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Shafty, 9 pm, $7 JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Pat Buckley, Through Dec 20, 9 pm ★ THE KNOW—Boom!, Adult Books, Drinking Flowers, Supersun, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Orphan Train, Separation State, 7 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Black Medic, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, noon, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Sleepy Eyed Johns, 8 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Dave Fleschner, Alan Hagar, 7 pm, $5; Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages RED ROOM—Abash’t, Self Murder, Battle Axe Massacre, 8:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris: Lost & Found, 9 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Carlton Jackson Dave Mills Big Band, 7:30 pm, $7 ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Folding Space: Pillowtalk, Centrikal, Metronome, Micah McNelly, 9 pm STAR THEATER—Snow Angel: Justin Vivian Bond, 8 pm, $20-35 THIRSTY LION—Jordan Harris, 8:30 pm, free, all ages TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 7:30 pm, $18 ★ TUBE—The Weak Knees, Needles & Pizza, We Speak Bocce, 9 pm
★ VALENTINE’S—Death Songs, Barna Howard, DJ Erik Menteer, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Swingin’ Holiday: Melissa Buchanan, 7:30 pm WHITE EAGLE—Smiley Get Dressed, The Magic Beets, Bilgerats & Pyrettes, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ron Steen, Linda Lee Michelet, 7:30 pm
THURSDAY 12/20 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Celtic Yuletide Concert: Magical Strings, 7:30 pm, $12-20 AL’S DEN—Sam Eliad, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Matices, 7 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Songwriter Roundup, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Alabama Black Snake, Machine, Deadman’s Lamp, The Darkest Moons, Objects in Space, 9:30 pm, free BACKSPACE—Chemical Channel, Mode7, Foxall to Foxall, 8 pm, $6, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Josh Bigg, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Swim Atlantic, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Joe Manis Trio, 8 pm, $5 CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Steve Bradley, Jim Mesi, 7 pm THE CONQUISTADOR—Greazy Rock Oomph: DJ AM Gold, 10 pm, free CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Big North Duo, 8 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Miss Massive Snowflake, Buzzyshyface, Mike Coykendall, 9 pm, $8 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2 EAST END—Gorgon Stare, DJ Old Man Stares, Nasty Nate, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Kevin Blackwell, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Industrial Revelation, Jeni Wren, 9 pm, $6 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Upon a Broken Path, From the Eyes of Cain, Censure, Saints, Kong at the Gates, 6:30 pm, $8-10, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—James Hunnicutt, 8:30 pm, $6 HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm JADE LOUNGE—Acoustic Oceans: Colin Fisher, Ben Wolman, Sparkle Nation, 7 pm JAM ON HAWTHORNE—Hot Club of Hawthorne, 6 pm, free, all ages JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Greater Midwest, Johnny & The Bells, Dave Lindenbaum, 9 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Jake Ray, 7 pm, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—So Sadly Fucked, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Thrones, Pleasure Cross, Rollie Fingers, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 6 pm; The Pickups, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Resolectrics, 6 pm; Countrified Christmas: Brad Creel, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Sloe Lorus, 6 pm; Tree Top Tribe, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Queer Quistmas: Fannie Mae Darling, Carla Rossi, Katey Pants, Honey B. Heart, Isaiah Tillman, Ecstasy Inferno, Terrika St. James, Topaz Crawford, Me & Uke & Everyone We Know, Trent Martin, Marla Singer, Dieana Dea, John Renner, Rikki Barney, John Williams, Svetlana Transtastic, David Fletcher, Jean Stager, Jedadiah Bernards, 9 pm, $5 MT. TABOR THEATER—Holiday Roots Special: Rising Buffalo Tribe, Roots Renewal System, Queen Bead, 8:30 pm, free
★ Means we recommend it. To list your live music or DJ event, send your information at least nine days in advance to music@portlandmercury.com.
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 25
Holiday
Imago's acclaimed family hit returns with...
Dec 7 Jan 1 to
TICKETS: $16 Kids, $27 Youth/Senior, $31 Adults Imago: 503.231.9581 Or ticketswest.com, 503.224.8499 17 SE 8th | 503.231.9581 | imagotheatre.com
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Glassblower owned
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 29
Music
Yes$%irginia,$T here$Are$Record$Stores
GREAT GIFT IDEAS! open Christmas Eve & Christmas Day
FLYING LOTUS Until the Quiet Comes $13.95-cd/$19.95-lp
THE BAD PLUS Made Possible $13.95-cd
FIONA APPLE Idler Wheel...
$12.95-cd/$19.95-lp THE PHARMACY East End, 12/21
Live Music
JAPANDROIDS Celebration Rock
$11.95-cd/$15.95-lp
ESPERANZA SPALDING Radio Music Society
CEE LO GREEN Cee Lo’s Magic Moment $15.95-cd
ROC MARCIANO Reloaded
$9.95-cd/$13.95-lp
$13.95-reg. ed. cd
JOYCE DIDONATO Drama Queens $13.95-cd
TAME IMPALA Lonerism
$9.95-cd/$14.95-lp
Sale prices good thru 12/30/12
WE’RE MORE THAN A RECORD STORE!
LISTINGS
MUDDY RUDDER—Joe McMurrian, 8 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Julie & The Boys, 7 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—SuS Quartet, 8 pm RED ROOM—A Killing Dove, The Musical Chums, Old Hand, Flying Viminas, 9 pm, $5 RETRO RHYTHM—Ron Steen, 8 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Chris Merrill, 9 pm ★ ROSELAND—2 Chainz, Cap 1, 8 pm, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Shoeshine Blue, 6 pm, free, all ages; Redray Frazier, 9 pm, $6 SHAKER AND VINE—Summer Quartet, Aaron Summerfield, 8 pm, $5 SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Judas H. Priest, Rotties, Montgomery Word, Worthless Eaters, Talk Balloon, 8:30 pm, $5 THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser, 9 pm TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free TONIC LOUNGE—Marmits, Young Dad, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 7:30 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Tim Snider, Max Ribner, 8 pm, $5 WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Big Big Love, Wild Bells, Lone Madrone, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Lauren & Zoe, 7:30 pm
FRIDAY 12/21
USED NEW &s & VINYL VD CDs, D
EM gift certificates available in any amount!
DOWNTOWN s 1313 W. Burnside s 503.274.0961 EASTSIDE s 1931 NE Sandy Blvd. s 503.239.7610 BEAVERTON s 3290 SW Cedar Hills Blvd. s 503.350.0907 FOR ANY & ALL USED CDs, DVDs & VINYL OPEN EVERYDAY AT 9A.M. | WWW.EVERYDAYMUSIC.COM 30 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
AL’S DEN—Sam Eliad, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Nat Hulskamp, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Stonecreep, Dirtnap, The Goddamned Animals, Gas Giant, 9:30 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Counterfeit Cash, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Kevin Selfe & The Tornadoes, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Midnight Honey, 8 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Cory Sterling Band, 8 pm CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ CLUB 21—Holy Grove, Sons of Huns, Billions & Billions, 9 pm, free DANTE’S—Sonic Temple, Earth to Ashes, The Punctuals, 9 pm, $12.21 DOUG FIR—Water & Bodies, Frame by Frame, Mosby, 9 pm, $10-12 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Hank Shreve, 9 pm EAST BURN—The Keplers, 10 pm, free ★ EAST END—The Pharmacy, The Hugs, Grrl Friend, Mythological Horses, 9 pm, $5 EDGEFIELD—Dickens Carolers, 7 pm, free; Henry Hill Kammerer, 7 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Shannon Tower Band, 9 pm, free FIRST CONGREGATIONAL CHURCH—Aaron Meyer, 7:30 pm FOGGY NOTION—Duty, Minoton, Mythological Horses, 9 pm, $3 FORD FOOD & DRINK—Lorna Miller, Walter Cryderman, 5 pm, free; The Rainbow Sign, 8 pm, free GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—Linda Hornbuckle, 8 pm, free ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Paul Di’Anno, LoNero, Splintered Throne, Gladius, 7 pm, $18-20 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—DJ Lorax, DJ Bob Ham, 6 pm, free; Ninjas With Syringes, Rendered Useless, Vultures in the Sky, Matt Danger, Heart Full of
ADARASHA BENJAMIN
Snakes, In Bloom, 8:30 pm, $5 HOTEL FIFTY—Jesse Feinstein, Sam Hallem, 8 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Christopher John Mead, 8 pm; Ivory Leaves, 8 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Soul Jazz: Hailey Niswanger, Thara Memory, 8 pm, $12 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Punk Drunk Christmas 2: Apocalyptic Boogaloo: Thundering Asteroids, 48 Thrills, Dartgun & The Vignettes, The Anxieties, 9 pm KELLS—Grafton Street, 9:30 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Errata Note, Bleach Blonde Dudes, Baby Soft, 9 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Hank Sinatra, 6 pm; The Portland Playboys, 9 pm, free LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Old Flames, 6 pm, free; Lynn Conover & Gravel, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Cedro Willie, 6 pm; Melao d’Cuba, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—The Add Love Winter Showcase: The Druthers, Sneakin’ Out, Will West, Rachel Taylor Brown, Naomi Hooley, Michael Jodell, Professor Gall, 9 pm, $8-10 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Dakota Bob & The Business Man’s Blues Band, 9 pm ★ MT. TABOR THEATER—A Happy Death, The We Shared Milk, Lydian Gray, 8:30 pm, free MUDDY RUDDER—Lauren & Zoe, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—David Fiesen Qintet, 8 pm, $10 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Countryside Ride, 9 pm, $2-5 PPAA—The December Irish Ceili Dance: Mike Beglen, Nancy Conescu, 8 pm, $8-10 THE PRESS CLUB—Crash Parlor, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—Comfort Zone, 8 pm RED ROOM—Ether Circus, Chase the Shakes, Aethyrium, Succor, 9 pm, $5 RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Storm Nilson, Sam Howard, 6:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Tim Snider, 9 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—Boy & Bean, 6 pm, free, all ages; Javier Nero Jazz Orchestra, 9 pm, $10, all ages SHAKER AND VINE—Dawid Vorster, 8 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Grammies, DNA Series, 9 pm, free ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Greatest Toy Drive Ever: Cool Nutz, Illmaculate, Beejan, DJ OG-1, DJ Fatboy, 9 pm, $10 THE SPARE ROOM—Brownish Black, The Apollo 4, DJ Drew Groove, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Sugarcookie, 9:30 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Kiss Kill, Furniture Girls, In Cahoots, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 8 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Contigo, 8 pm THE WAYPOST—Jake Kelly, St. Even, Andy Abelow, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Welfare, Lavaruna, Lafko, 9:30 pm, free WILF’S—Jean Ronne Trio, 7:30 pm
SATURDAY 12/22 AL’S DEN—Sam Eliad, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Johnny Mathis, Oregon Symphony, 7:30 pm, $46-226, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—We Made It!: Public Drunken Sex, Pill Brigade, Delaney & Paris, Reign Pro, K-Dizzy, DJ HazMatt, 9 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Chin Up Rocky, Truth Under Attack, Steady Approach, Toy Gun Conspiracy, Toxic Kid, All Falls Through, 7:30 pm, $10 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Crash Parlor, 6 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Lloyd Allen Sr., 9 pm ★ BLUE MONK—Quadraphonnes, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Ian James, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Rex & The Rockits, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Brooks Robertson, 8 pm, $6
Music
503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com
8pm doors/ 9pm show BarBar all ages until 9pm 21+ unless otherwise noted KZME Presents The ADD Love Winter Showcase:
A December party of raucous fun
THE DRUTHERS
Fannie Mae’s
6TH ANNUAL QUEER QUISTMAS CON BRO CHILL Wonder Ballroom, 12/22
Live Music
LISTINGS
★ DOUG FIR—Kelli Schaefer, Tope, Slang, 9 pm, $7-10 DUFF’S GARAGE—Sportin’ Lifers, Rockalily, 9 pm ★ EAST END—East End Five Year Anniversary: Austin Cook, The Lovesores, Tanya, Gun Party, Defect Defect, Di Di Mau, Youthbitch, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Dickens Carolers, 7 pm, free; Kris Deelane, 7 pm, free FIRST CONGREGATIONAL CHURCH—Aaron Meyer, 8 pm GOODFOOT—The Way Downs, Erotic City, 9 pm, $6 HALIBUT’S—Nasafaria, Janice Scroggins, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—American Roulette, Anonymia, Dusk’s Embrace, Tetramorphic, 7 pm, $8, all ages ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Wow & Flutter, 6 pm, free; Willie Wilson, Heather Baldock, Aaron Baca, 9 pm, $5 IVORIES—Rebecca Kilgore, Randy Porter, Tom Wakeling, David Evans, 8 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Soul Vaccination, 8 pm, $12 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Dwight Dickinson, Destroy the Deck, The Homemakers, 9 pm, free KELLS—Grafton Street, 9:30 pm ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Hugs, Lick, The Blacklights, 9 pm, $5 THE KNOW—Dark Country, These Things, Sleeptakers, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Miller & Sasser, Copper & Coal, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—James Low Western Front, 6 pm; Medicine Family, Vacilando, Rich West Blatt, 9:30 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Hyborian Rage, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Alphabeticians, 4 pm; Steady Boys, 6 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Tango Alpha Tango, Minden, Summer Cannibals, 9 pm, $5 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Blueprints, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—Mad Men Style Holiday Mixer: Stein, Emergency, Icanicants, DJ Nacho Business, 8:30 pm, $5 MUDDY RUDDER—James Clem, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—The New Iberians, 8 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 8 pm, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Ugly Christmas Sweater Party: Rock ’n’ Roll Cowboys, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—Steve Hale, 8 pm RED ROOM—Nagas, Ion Storm, Disenchanter, Unruly Instinct, 9 pm, $5 RINGSIDE FISH HOUSE—Rio Con Brio, 6:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Stephen Baker, 9 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Martens Combination, 6 pm, free, all ages; Three for Silver, Eric Stern, 9 pm, $5 SELLWOOD PUBLIC HOUSE—David Rogers, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Chris Juhlin Collective, 8 pm, $5 SLABTOWN—Splintered in Her Head, Ever So Android, DJ Dentron, 9 pm SLIM’S—ON-Q, 9 pm, free ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—PDX-Mas: Benefit for PDX Pop Now: Fanno Creek, Just Lions, Old Age, The World Radiant, 9 pm, $6 suggested donation ★ THE SPARE ROOM—Teri & Larry, 9 pm, free THIRSTY LION—The Bradley Band, 9:30 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Class M Planets, Simply Luscious, Ms., 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extrava-
ganza, 8 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Twilight Troubadour: Mitzi Zilka, 5:30 pm; Ty Curtis Band, 9 pm, $10 WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Pat Kearns, Gerald Collier, 9:30 pm, free WONDER BALLROOM—Con Bro Chill, 8 pm, $10-15, all ages
SUNDAY 12/23 AGNES FLANAGAN CHAPEL, LEWIS & CLARK COLLEGE—Handel’s Messiah: Portland Chamber Orchestra, The Oregon Chorale, Portland Boychoir, 3 pm AL’S DEN—Redwood Son, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Comfort and Joy: Oregon Symphony, Pacific Youth Choir, 4 pm, $1043, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—A Very Metal Christmas Party: Kingdom Under Fire, Tentacle Burn, Ditch Digger, Earth to Ashes, Solar Sea, 9 pm, $3 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Polyglot Project, 8 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Transcendental Brass Band, 9 pm, $8; Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Kevin Calaba, Jenny Finn Orchestra, 8 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Frame by Frame, 5 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, Sun, noon, free, all ages KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm; Pat Buckley, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free LEGACY EMANUEL HOSPITAL—Holiday Concert: Portland Gay Symphonic Band, 2 pm, free LV’S—Blues, Brews & BBQ, 6 pm MIGRATION BREWING—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jen Deale, Jon Ransom, Harmony Hotel, 6 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Amy Ray, Lindsay Fuller, Kaia Watson, 8 pm, $10-12 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Julie & The Boys, 7:30 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 5 pm, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Hustle & Drone, D.S.R., 9 pm, free SLABTOWN—Lucia Fasano, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hive: DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Skully, DJ Waisted, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free TIGER BAR—A Very Bastard Holiday Special: Viirl, Particle Son, Three Five Seven, DJ Castor Pollux, DJ Collective Mind, DJ Kindred, 7 pm, $5-7 TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 6 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Classical Beauties, Viktors Berstis, 5 pm
MONDAY 12/24 ANDINA—Jason Okamoto, 7 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Sumo, 9 pm DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, 6 pm, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 8 pm, all ages ★ THE SPARE ROOM—Cool Breeze, 9 pm, free TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm
Thu, Dec 20
$5 Adv
Woodchuck Cider Sweet-n-Local Presents: Folknoir and pop from PDX favorites celebrating a Live Record Release
SNEAKIN OUT (WITH SKIP VON KUSKE) · WILL WEST · RACHEL TAYLOR BROWN · NAOMI HOOLEY · MICHAEL JODELL · PROFESSOR GALL
Fri, Dec 21
$8 Adv
101.9 KINK.FM Presents: Heartfelt love songs and rocking anthems from a classic favorite
TANGO ALPHA TANGO
AMY RAY
MINDEN SUMMER CANNIBALS
LINDSAY FULLER & KAIA WILSON
Sat, Dec 22
$5 Adv
(OF THE INDIGO GIRLS)
Sun, Dec 23 7:00pmDoors/8:00pmShow $10 Adv
An infectious blend of hillbilly, boogie and western swing
Ambient house music from Brooklyn wunderkind
THE VIPERS
ITAL
PETUNIA AND WHAT HEARTS Thu, Dec 27
$12 Adv
— TWO NIGHTS —
Soulfulness and swagger return with Jerry Joseph for a New Year’s Eve pre-celebration
JERRY JOSEPH &
THE JACKMORMONS
Sat, Dec 29 $15 Adv TRUCKSTOP DARLIN’ Sun, Dec 30 $15 Adv POLYRHYTHMICS
ACID FARM DASANI REBOOT Fri, Dec 28
A New Year’s Eve of indie-rock symphony
TYPHOON WILD ONES THE MORALS
Mon Dec 31
Bubblin Presents: Eclectic dance-infused electronic music
DANNY CORN (PDNEXT)
$5 Adv
Jack Daniels Presents Mississippin’ with: Acoustic and alt-country from a trio of talents
DKOTA
FEDERALE THE UPSIDEDOWN THE PURRS
Sat, Jan 5
Coming Soon... 1/12: PAULA BOGGS BAND (EARLY) 1/12: MRS W/DJ BEYONDA (LATE) 1/13: TXE 1/15: AND AND AND 1/16: BIRDS OF CHICAGO 1/17: RANDY ROGERS BAND 1/18: DENVER
$5 Adv
$10 Adv
Transcendental guitar from multi-talented artist of the Sun City Girls
SIR RICHARD BISHOP
AUDIOS AMIGOS BEN VON WILDENHAUS
MELVILLE • SPIRIT LAKE
Thu, Jan 10
$18 Adv
A lively resurgence of the music from the 1960’s Italian-made Western films
GULLS (BOOMARM NATION) JOSH T & DRUMPLESTILTSKIN (VINYLOGY) LINCOLNUP (BUBBLIN) BEN TACTIC (BUBBLIN/THINK2WICE)
Fri, Jan 4 9pmDoors/10pmShow
$10 Adv
Fri, Jan 11
1/19: THEMES 1/20: JENNIFER O’CONNOR 1/23: KEN STRINGFELLOW 1/24: THE PARSON RED HEADS 1/25: PBR PRESENTS: CITIES 1/26: CAT DOORMAN (EARLY) 1/26: ELEPHANT REVIVAL (LATE) 1/31: CRUSHED OUT
$10 Adv 2/1: REVA DEVITO 2/2: BLACK PRAIRIE 2/3: TUMBLEWEED WANDERERS 2/5: SEAPONY 2/6: AAN 2/7: NICKI BLUHM & THE GRAMBLERS 2/9: MRS W/ DJ BEYONDA 2/10: WILD CUB
mississippistudios.com December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 31
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE
1934 NE Alberta, 971.255.1793 NEVER stop doing what you like; ALWAYS take it to the HILT.
32 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE
12/24/12
Â? Â? Â?
12/25/12
12/31/12
 �
It’s
on the inside
1214 N Killingsworth St.
Open until 2:30am. MINORS WELCOME until 9pm
New Year’s Eve Extravaganza!
Champagne Sabering at Midnight! • Six Foot Flowing Champagne Tower
FREE Chocolate Buet! 10PM - 2AM
2225 E. Burnside St. • 971.271.7166
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 33
NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY PAGE
SAT 12/22 -THE WAYS DOWNS EROTIC CITY (prince tribute) FRI 12/21 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 12/20 - INDUSTRIAL REVELATION, & JENI WREN BAND WED - 12/19 - SHAFTY: PHISH TRIBUTE MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC
THURS 12/27 - JULIAN’S RIDE, NO HERO FRI 12/28- DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 12/29- QUICK & EASY BOYS, ELDRIDGE GRAVY & THE COURT SUPREME SUN 12/30 - QUICK & EASY BOYS MON 12/31 - NYE - THE SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO & DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW
GOODFOOT
irs upsta aily d open :30 2 5s stair o d wnn at 9 ope w nights o on sh
2845 SE STARK * WWW.THEGOODFOOT.COM * 503.239.9292
34 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
Music
TUESDAY 12/25 EDGEFIELD—Hanz Araki, 6 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm KELLS—Pat Buckley, 9 pm MOCK CREST TAVERN—Suburban Slim’s Christmas Concert
DJ LISTINGS
WEDNESDAY 12/19 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Cha Cha CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Proper Movement: Axiom, Blast Radius, Dhug, Reign, 10 pm, free CRUZROOM—Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio: Pat Kearns, Mark Brachmann DIG A PONY—Battles, DJ Lamar, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Labwerx: Mike Gong, Bliphop Junkie, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Chris Crusher, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Blackwell TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2
THURSDAY 12/20 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Maxamillion CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ Safi, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—\Joystick/: DarkCloud, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Night Moves: Boogie Funk Dance Party: Sex Life DJs, DJ Cooky Parker, New Moon Poncho DJs, Battles, DJ Lamar, 9 pm, $5 JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 ★ THE LOVECRAFT—Synthicide: Tom Jones, Jared White, Luke Buser, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Jonny Cakes, 10 pm TIGA—Tony Remple TUBE—Big Trouble in Little Chinatown: DJ Zimmie, Dev From Above, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40
FRIDAY 12/21 BAR CARLO—Dubbing at the End of Time: MonkeyTek, Samizdat, 8 pm, free BEECH ST. PARLOR—Kev it Up BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Dev From Above: DJ SwerveWon, 9 pm, $5 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free ★ DIG A PONY—End of the World Party: Miracles Club, Bath House, 10 pm EAGLE PORTLAND—Men’s Room: DJ Lucky Daddy, 10 pm, $2 ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ Drew Groove, 10 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—Trifecta: Elijah Titus, One30, Killa K, Jose Sosa, 10 pm, $5 GROUND KONTROL—DJ MT, DJ Raw3, 9 pm, $2 HOLOCENE—DJ Cuica, 5 pm, free; Rockbox: Matt Nelkin, DJ Kez, Dundiggy, 9 pm, $3 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOCAL LOUNGE—Ruthless: Bruce LaBruiser, Ill Camino, 10 pm, $3 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—Skullfuck: DJ Horrid, 10 pm
LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—DJ Maxamillion, 10 pm MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—Afro-Carribbean Fusion Night: DJ Lion, DJ Dula, 8:30 pm, free ROTTURE—End of the World Party: Lassi, Gang $ign$, Adventure Galley, ASW, Quarry, 9 pm, $7-10 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Ikon, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Zac Eno TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Townbombing: Ante Up, 10 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Solstice Party: DJ Cuica, Jeffrey Jerusalem, 9 pm
SATURDAY 12/22 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Soulbowl BEULAHLAND—Hey Queen: Bruce LaBruiser, Pocket Rock-it, 10 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—Slice! No Poke!: DJ Pretty Ugly, DJ Mike V, DJ Danny Dodge, 10 pm, free CRUZROOM—Vinylogy DJs DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ Freaky Outty, 10 pm EAST BURN—DJ Zimmie, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—Roxy’s Ego Hour: Roxy Epoxy, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Lovestoned: Aughts Dance Party: DJ Zack, Sex Life DJs, DJ Zac Eno, DJ E*Rock, 9 pm, $3 JONES—’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—Come As You Are - ’90s Dance Flashback, 9 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Maxamillion; Darkness Descends: DJ Maxamillion, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu MT. TABOR THEATER—EDM Night: DJ Zacadactol, DJ Tyrant, 9 pm RECORD ROOM—DJ Snacks, Choncy Jones, 8 pm ROTTURE—Blow Pony: Christ-Mess: DJ Airick X, DJ Just Dave, G-Luve, Stormy Roxx, Kasio Smashio, DJ Rhienna, Taco Tuesday, Charley Sharp, Rap Girl, Wolfganger, Leilah, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—DJ Jessicat, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Whitespace TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—DJ Wels, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Schonenberg, 9 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Donald Glaude, Sidestep, Jamie Meushaw, 10 pm, $10
SUNDAY 12/23 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—New Jack City DJs, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ Tomato Joe, 10 pm, free LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free
MONDAY 12/24 DIG A PONY—Slim Fortune, 9 pm GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free SLABTOWN—DJ Big Ben, 9 pm, free
TUESDAY 12/25 ★ CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: X-Mas Edition: Anok, Falesaif, Cin, Uncommon Sense, Kellan, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Straylight, 9 pm; Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm THE SPARE ROOM—DJ Doc Rock, 9 pm, free STAR BAR—DJ Joey Prude, 10 pm
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 35
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MULTCOPETS.ORG Holiday Adoption Special: Dec 11-31 Adopt shelter pets for just the cost of a license!
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36 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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Why Theater Matters
I
King Hedley II
“Why would I bring another life into this world that doesn’t respect life?”
MAGAZINE REVIEW
A Coffee-Table Newspaper Arthur Magazine: Back from the Dead by Ned Lannamann
I
T’S BEEN four years since we last held a newsprint with minimal ads, and almost every inch hard copy of Arthur magazine in our hands, covered with words or pictures. The cover, a gibut it’s made an unlikely—and very welcome— gantic piece by surreal comics artist Rick Veitch, is gorgeous, and the crispness and clarity of return to the printed medium with issue the print is perhaps the best I’ve seen in 33. Editor Jay Babcock has teamed a newspaper (this one included). up with Jason Leivian of Portland’s It’s also a bit cumbersome to Floating World Comics, who’s now read, requiring said coffee table co-publisher, and while the new to accommodate the size of the incarnation takes on a very differedited by Jay Babcock open spread. While 16 pages ent format from those last issues (Floating World sounds skimpy, there’s enough of Arthur, the ideas and attitude Comics) content here to get lost for a are happily the same. Arthur’s lens couple hours. The centerpieces are is on fringe music, art, and ideas—the an interview Babcock performed with “New Weird America” scene, as some Veitch that explores the artist’s dreams (it’s have termed it—and perhaps due to Leivian’s involvement, there’s more of a visual emphasis on more interesting than it sounds), and another lengthy interview with guitarist Jack Rose, concomics than before. Issue 33 is something new: a coffee-table ducted by Brian Rademaekers before Rose’s newspaper, printed on 16 immense pages of death in 2009. Accompanied by a complete
Arthur Issue 33
ArtChart OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK
KINOKO
SAW KING HEDLEY II on Friday, December 14—the day of the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. Before the show, Portland Playhouse Artistic Director Brian Weaver Tragedy, Art, and King Hedley II by Alison Hallett asked the audience to take a moment of silence to remember the victims of Newtown. The sold-out crowd complied, some tearfully. It was a strange day to see a show, but the experience offered a profound reminder of what, exactly, art is for. August Wilson’s infrequently produced King Hedley II is set in Pittsburgh in the 1980s, in an African American community beset by violence and poverty. The titular Hedley (Peter Macon) can’t seem to catch a break—after spending a few years in prison for killing a man, Hedley once again turns to crime when he can’t find work as a contractor. With his friend Mister (Vin Shambry), Hedley peddles stolen refrigerators, Portland Playhouse, 602 NE going door to door with a Prescott, 488-5822, Thurstattered GE catalog and Sat 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun 2 pm, trying to scrape together through Dec 30, $15-39, enough money to open his portlandplayhouse.org own video store. Hedley’s wife Tonya (Ramona Lisa Alexander) is pregnant with her second child, a child she doesn’t particularly want. Violence in society is escalating, she says, and people carry guns just to protect themselves. A young boy was just killed in a random drive-by shooting—how could the boy’s mother possibly ever recover from something like that? “Why,” she asks Hedley, “would I bring another life into this world that doesn’t respect life?” In an oversized orange sweatshirt and blue eyeshadow, actress Alexander delivered one of most powerful moments I’ve seen on a Portland stage, this season or ever. My experience was colored by the context, of course—the context of a school full of dead children—but Alexander’s hopeless monologue interrogates the possibility that life is meaningless, that violence is random, and that nothing we do can truly protect the people we care about. Regardless of the scale of the mother insists that nothing can possibly grow in giant, life-sized themes in a safe, consequencetragedy, these are universal, human concerns. A counterpoint to the show’s nihilistic streak is the depleted soil. He dotes on the small sprouts, free setting. King Hedley II didn’t make me feel provided by a neighbor named Stool Pigeon—the flying into a rage when they’re threatened and ul- any less upset about the events in Connecticut, excellent Victor Mack—who collects newspapers timately surrounding them with protective barbed but it did put voice to many of the things I was so people won’t forget the stories of where they wire. The flowers are intimately connected to already thinking about, and there’s some comcame from, and draws palpable, contagious com- Hedley himself, and the possibility of rising above fort and value to that. fort from the words of the scripture. “God is a bad his circumstances, his anger and his poverty, to That Hedley’s themes felt applicable to a very motherfucker,” he observes admiringly, shaking his become more than he is. modern, very specific tragedy speaks to the fact Hedley is much too long (clocking in at just that August Wilson is brilliant in the right hands. head at the heavens. Hedley himself is caught somewhere between over three hours), and the limitations of Port- Of course, all those lyrical monologues mean that those poles—trying to be better than he is, but land Playhouse’s venue are very apparent when he’s pretty damn tedious in the wrong ones, as locked into a cycle of violence and poverty, end- the house is sold out: They’ve got some of the local audiences have had ample opportunity to lessly raging at his own circumstances. Oregon longest intermission bathroom lines in town. find out for themselves—his work has been overShakespeare Fest actor Peter Macon gives a Moreover, the show ends with a histrionic ca- produced in Portland over the last few years. Forbrilliantly volatile, vulnerable performance as Hed- cophony that stands in jarring contrast to the tunately, though, Portland Playhouse’s production ley, a man equally stirred by the injustices of his play’s more effective, introspective moments. has all the right hands: Director Jade King Carroll murder trial and an altercation with a teacher in But the parts of the show that really work serve helms an absolutely top-notch cast, easily the finthe third grade. In one of Wilson’s less-inspired as a reminder of why we go see plays in the est ensemble performance of the year. Portland metaphors, Hedley has planted some flowers for first place: Theater can help to contextualize our doesn’t need any more August Wilson plays—but his wife in the thin dirt of his backyard, though his experiences, and it allows us to grapple with I’m glad it had this one.
THE END
THE APOCALYPTIC GROUP SHOW PONY CLUB • 625 NW EVERETT ST #105 THROUGH JAN 3RD
Elvis’ Very Special Christmas Show— Saturday Market Elvis’ second-annual Christmas show promises to put the “variety” back in “variety show,” with music, guests, and plenty of holiday cheer. Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, Thurs Dec 20, 9 pm, $5-8 Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Christmas Carol—Artists Rep remounts last year’s successful play, which mashes up Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic character and Charles Dickens’ classic Christmas tale. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 241-1278, Tues-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 30, $25-50, artistsrep.org Biggest Tour EVER EVER: Apocalypse— Comedians Kristine Levine, Andrew Ouellette, and Morgan Preston did 50 stand-up shows, in 50 states, in 50 days, without a break. So of course their tour ends in Portland on the day the world is supposed to end. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 248-4700, Fri Dec 21, 9 pm, $8-10 White Album Christmas—The music of the Beatles meets the talents of acrobats, aerialists, jugglers, and more at the Wanderlust Circus’ annual show. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, Fri Dec 21-Sat Dec 22, 9 pm, Sun Dec 23, 8 pm, $25-30, all ages, albertarosetheatre.com The Mighty Gastropolis—Portland food writer Karen Brooks charts the evolution of Portland’s culinary scene. Includes food and drink from Smallwares and Barwares. Smallwares, 4605 NE Fremont, Sun Dec 23, 2 pm
PORTLANDMERCURY.COM HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS
discography, it becomes a definitive survey of the obscure musician’s career. Thurston Moore and Byron Coley have resurrected Bull Tongue, their quasi record-review column filled with digressions and wormholes—it’s record-nerd porn at its most eclectic. And there’s a compelling, voluminous survey of Waylon Jennings’ 1975 album Dreaming My Dreams written by metalhead Stewart Voegtlin. While everything in the new Arthur is worth absorbing, the most intriguing element is that more is to come. It’s exciting, in particular, to imagine what future comics and artwork will grace these enormous pages (artist Gabby Schulz’s otherwise worthwhile contribution doesn’t take advantage of the giant page size). For now, opening the mammoth pages of the new Arthur feels much like unfolding a road map, one that points to strange, unfamiliar worlds. Arthur No. 33 is available starting Saturday, December 22, although you can pick it up right now at Floating World Comics (400 NW Couch) for $5. Floating World will also host a First Thursday release party on January 3, 2013.
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 37
!" # $
38 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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by Marjorie Skinner
Party All the Time
W
E’RE REALLY IN IT NOW: The heaviest-partying time of the year is in full swing. There are so many parties and events that people are running out of appropriate times of the week to throw them. You can dimly see the logic to it (“if we throw our party at 2 pm on a Tuesday, surely nobody will be double booked”), but there’s a bigger issue here: How are you supposed to show up to these shindigs looking awesome, when it’s your sixth party this week and you’re running on four hours of sleep and three cups of Hair Bender? First of all, a little secret I learned recently from Terri Lodge of Blush Premier Makeup: Take a look at the color wheel; opposites counteract. If your under-eye circles are purplish, a yellow corrector will mask them. And if your shadows are more bluish, you need an orange to neutralize it. Lodge would want you to be aboveboard about this and go to the Bobbi Brown counter or whatever, but you can also go to Rite Aid and grab the cheapest, most matte orange (no shimmering please) tube of lipstick you can find, and it will probably work almost as well. Which is why parties aren’t brightly lit. Disappointingly, a vast majority of things in the world can’t be helped by cheap lipstick, and the state of your wardrobe is one of them. Embrace it. Portland has a long history of disses on its fashion sense, but the product of being overwhelmingly casual and “weird” translates into an environment of complete freedom. Unlike more dress-coded cities, where boring black Banana Republic skirts are coveted as “perfect” by virtue of being inoffensive, we’re wearing leopard-print turbans (big right now, thanks to Portland clothing line Reif ), sequins, and black lipstick (Portland Black Lipstick Company is a real thing, too) to the DMV. An important part of the culture here is to resist trends, so without trying to be too prescriptive, I (along with MOD contributor Coco Madrid) spoke to some local industry experts about what they’re feeling for the festive season. Read more at mod.portlandmercury.com. “I’m really into textures—silks, leather, lamé, shiny things—mixed together in one outfit. And I’m still really into the androgynous look: oversized white men’s shirts with leather pants, or high-waisted leather skirts with oversized men’s gray Ts, a statement necklace, camo jacket, and/or oversized blazer. It’s less about sequins for me this year and more about mixing up textures, layers, and dress-up/dress-down styles, glammed up with a touch of red lippy and sky-high heels. As for hair and makeup, I learned from the best, [Portland stylist] Randi Whipple: ‘The bigger the hair, the closer to god.’”—Sarah Radcliffe, Yo Vintage! “For the gents: Leave the untucked flannel at home and save it for the ‘next’ time you go logging. Instead, wear a sports coat in a
YO VINTAGE winter fabric and texture, such as nubby wool (herringbone or tweed) or jewel-toned velvet (blue, green, burgundy). And wear a tie; it completes the look. If you are a true badass, wear a tuxedo and black bowtie. After all, it is the Year of the Tuxedo—just watch how you will command respect, feel good, and stand out. If you must, wear a holiday sweater, but you’re an adult and a gentleman, so make it classy.”—Crispin Argento, PINO “I try to dress for the event, while also keeping my personal-style mantra in mind. I love denim, and I find that it can be worn to any type of event—but it does depend how you style it! I bought a denim bow tie this year and covered it in bleach spots. I love it with all black!”—Ty McBride, Solestruck “To get more pop to the eyes, use glitter liners, or frost colors on the lids. Use shades like blue or gray. Lips: Go for a glossy nude or matted red, fuchsia, or purple. For hair: Keep it simple! Messy low buns or soft, beachy waves with small braids tied up to the sides.”— Abibat Durosimi, Tabiba Styles @MJSkinner800 on Twitter
THIS WEEK’S THURSDAY'S
STYLE EVENTS
The holiday shopping flurry of parties and pop-ups is winding to an end, but here are this week’s, which all just happen to fall on Thursday. Weirrrd.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20 h Jet has an event geared toward men (who need to finish their shopping for women). The Men’s Shopping Event will involve throwing darts, drinking beers, and throwing empty peanut shells on the floor as well as gift wrapping. Seriously. Jet, 3753 N Mississippi, 4-8 pm h The last of Radish Underground’s Thursday events in December features the Harlow Holiday Trunk Show, with 30 percent off pieces from the collection and designer Ruthie Crawford on hand. Radish Underground, 414 SW 10th, 5-8 pm h Two fantastic local lines, Seaworthy (jewelry) and She-She (apparel) are teaming up for a last-minute holiday sale with discounts up to 60 percent off. Seaworthy, 333 NE Hancock, #5, 4-8 pm
THIS WEEK ON THE MERCURY ’S FASHION BLOG mod.portlandmercury.com Shopping
YOU LIKE PRE-HOLIDAY SALES? WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE POST HOLIDAY DEALS!
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 39
Brunch
Weekends 9am to 2pm
It’s an Irvington thing Baked Eggs
Pain Perdu (lost bread) Eggs Benedicts
Biscuits and Gravy, Omelets and Scrambles
Plus sandwiches, salads and Appetizers
Happy New Year Join us December 31st for Petisco’s New Year’s Eve Paella Night Dinners Tuesdays-Sundays 503-360-1048 Lunch 7 Days a Week 1411 NE Broadway Saturday & Sunday Brunch 40 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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Last Supper
Grendel’s Coffee f House Serving organic coffee
OCEAN’S 11 (AM TO PM) Sea Change in Casual Dining by Chris Onstad ditional manner with lime juice, those who find even a whiff of nuoc cham too strong will be happier with the other two. With sides of white rice and a mayonnaise-based macaroni salad, an order of six wings ($10 for the Basa Box) is enough for a meal. Don’t miss the “ramen fries� ($2.75): They are a rare example of seasoned fries that are worth trying again. Chefs John and Caprial Pence put together a blend of orange rind, coriander, and NOLAN CALISCH other hard-to-deduce flavors for a dusting that works nicely with the potato, and a smooth, creamy garlic dipping sauce adds a well-matched, cool counterpoint.
T
HE HOURS of the four restaurants in the Ocean—a new dining row on NE Glisan— are synchronized, meaning (a) you can count on them all to be open the same 12 hours a day Uno Mas (11 am-11 pm), seven days a week. And (b) you 2337 NE Glisan can assemble a meal from any of the four, al208-2764 lowing a lunch or dinner party to go on a bit of a shopping spree (Ocean tenants allow their PREMISE neighbors’ food anywhere within). Each Oswaldo Bibiano (Autentica, Mextiza) puts concept is tightly focused, and you The his trademark sophistication on a menu can get a substantial, high-quality Ocean of 21 tacos at this slick, pared-down meal for around $10 at any of them. taqueria. The offerings are ambitious, Here are my recommendations for NE 24th & Glisan the success rate is high, and if “gourmet taco� didn’t sound so oxymoronic, that getting the most out of this well-exewould be a good way to describe these. cuted new destination.
24th & Meatballs 2341 NE Glisan 282-2557 24thandmeatballs.com
PREMISE Tabla Mediterranean Bistro, mothership of this mix ’n’ match meatball outpost, loaned generous amounts of skill and finesse to the menu here. Heroes, panini, and pasta are elevated about as high as a casual kitchen can take them.
WHAT TO GET The piccante meatball hero ($8.50) with tomato basil sauce and buttery, melted mozzarella is one of the best sandwiches in the city. It’s perfect in terms of flavor, texture, size, value, quality of ingredients, and ease of eating. A carefully chosen, crusty-yet-pillowy Fleur de Lis roll stays dry on the outside, doesn’t grow mushy inside, and provides a great nutty flavor. Three slightly spicy, tender, and juicy pork meatballs are ladled in, topped with sauce and a generous kerchief of cheese, and then broiled. The meatballs are also excellent on spaghetti or rigatoni ($8) with the spicy pork sauce or the surprisingly light house-made hazelnut arugula pesto. Given the quality and portion size, it’s easily the best pasta deal in the city. For $4, pair either of these mains with a remarkable kale, pumpkin seed, and dried cranberry salad dressed with a thick, sweet, slightly smoky sherry vinaigrette.
Basa Basa
2333 NE Glisan 971-271-8260 facebook.com/BasaBasaPDX
PREMISE Basa Basa serves crisp, lightly battered Koreanstyle chicken wings flavored with three fresh, expertly balanced Asian fusion sauces.
8th & East Burnside
503-595-9550
 Â?Â? Â? Â?Â?Â?Â?Â? Â? Â?   Â?  Â? Â
WHAT TO GET The quality and flavor in each taco make $2 a fair price despite the petite presentation. Small, sturdy, fresh corn tortillas hold a generous mound of your selected fillings, and a squeeze-bottle salsa bar of a half-dozen fresh, house-made concoctions (I wish the puree of fried jalapeĂąos was a standard at all Mexican restaurants) encourages experimentation. Favorites were the caramelized pastor with a paper-thin slice of fresh pineapple, a genuinely spicy prawns endiablado with a complex, layered chile sauce (seafood tacos are $3.75), chicharrĂłn folded into cool, chunky guacamole, and a sweet, juicy chorizo. A “chef’s choiceâ€? plate of 12 tacos for $20 is buried on the chalkboard menu, but is a great introduction to Bibiano’s talents.
Slowburger 2329 NE Glisan 477-5779 slowburger.net
PREMISE Slow Bar’s cult-favorite burger achieved escape velocity and is now the centerpiece of its own tightly focused restaurant.
WHAT TO GET Slowburger offers four versions of their halfpound, Painted Hills natural beef burger, starting with the onion-ring-topped classic ($8). The bun is a seeded Grand Central brioche that’s strong enough to stand up to the juicy patty, but mercifully less dense than a traditional brioche. The patty itself is draped with thick, melting Gruyère, then topped with those signature thick onion rings and dressed with tomato/pickle relish, aioli, and butter lettuce. While I like a little more char on a burger, this is objectively a high-quality offering. Crisp quarter-inch fries ($2 for small, $3 for large) are good alone, or you can power up by adding “stinky cheeseâ€? ($4/$5).
WHAT TO GET They will happily mix and match sauces within an order, so trying all three in an initial “test� batch is a good way to start. The Original is sweet and spicy with fresh ginger, and the fresh teriyaki is tweaked to a rich perfection. The Basa Ono includes fish sauce, so while it is cut in the tra-
All restaurants in the Ocean offer vegetarian versions of their items, as well as beer and wine, and are open from 11am-11pm, seven days a week. Visit the Pie Spot cart out back for dessert.
Find restaurants, bars, and reader reviews at portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 41
Full Bar & Menu Until 2:30am! Happy Hour 2–8pm 7days a week 3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
503-239-1143
42 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
Film
Freedom Fighters
Django Unchained: American History, Wrecked by Erik Henriksen “Western” might be the wrong word, actually: Much of Django Unchained riffs on the likes of Sergio Leone, but it’s set in the South, just before the Civil War. There, dapper German bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz, flaunting Django probably the year’s best perUnchained what’s formance, and unquestionably the dir. Quentin Tarantino year’s best beard) rattles about in a Opens Tues Dec 25 creaky dentist’s wagon that has a giVarious ant, wobbling, spring-mounted tooth Theaters bolted to its roof. “I kill people and sell their corpses for cash,” Schultz explains, pragmatically and charmingly. And so—pragmatically and, somehow, charmingly—Schultz buys Django (Jamie Foxx), a slave who can help him ID his current bounties, the Brittle Brothers. (“For the time being,” Schultz tells Django, shortly after pouring him his first beer, “I’m going to make this slavery malarkey work to my benefit.”) While Schultz plans DJANGO UNCHAINED “No, no, I agree. That totally is Bon Jovi’s best song.” on setting Django free once the Brittles are HE WORLD’S FIRST western blax- gleefully making a balls-out western after dead, he soon finds himself devoted to Djanploitation revenge buddy comedy, Django years of almost doing so, and it’s excellent that go’s own quest: to rescue his wife, Broomhilda Unchained is one of Quentin Tarantino’s best he did: The genre hasn’t been served this well (Kerry Washington), from Candyland, a nomovies—a brutal, hilarious, thrilling, messy since Deadwood, No Country for Old Men, and torious plantation owned by the rot-toothed Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) and run bastard of a thing. It’s the result of Tarantino Red Dead Redemption.
T
by Candie’s devoted slave, Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson). And so: a film that Tarantino boasts is “the most violent western since The Wild Bunch,” even if, by the time Tupac shows up on the soundtrack, Django has become significantly bloodier. (And, as evidenced by Jim Croce’s sitcom-y “I Got a Name” playing over a montage of Django and Schultz pallin’ around on their horses, significantly funnier.) Like Inglourious Basterds—another film where Tarantino reduced history to pulp, both factually and viscerally—there’s a lot to unpack in Django, be it the boiling-down of America’s fucked-up past into melodrama, or Tarantino’s continued indulgence of his second-favorite fetish, after Uma Thurman’s feet. (Here, at least, there’s more context for the N-word than in Pulp Fiction.) That’s for later viewings, though: On first watch, Django Unchained is simply a hell of a lot of fun—visceral and clever and operatic, with Foxx’s deadpan humor barely hiding his righteous fury as DiCaprio’s babyface smiles and smiles and smiles until it splits apart in rage. And that’s not even getting into Samuel L. Jackson, or the big gunfight, or what is—I’m fairly certain—the only and best scene ever filmed that features the KKK, Don Johnson, and Jonah Hill. Told you it was a messy bastard of a thing. And it’s bloody, and it’s mean, and it’s great. Good luck finding any other movie this Xmas that’s even half as much fun.
Trapped in La Cosette Married with Children
L
Les Miz is Garbage. Sorry, Theater Nerds. by Alison Hallett
Judd Apatow and Middle Age by Erik Henriksen
´ LES MISERABLES The Wolverine and Catwoman team-up fanboys have been waiting for!
THIS IS 40 Not pictured: Seth Rogen.
OOK, I LIKE LES MISÉRABLES. If it Hathaway, as a fragile Fantine, kills it with a was playing at a reputable theater com- vulnerable “I Dreamed a Dream.” The rest pany in Portland this weekend? I would go see of the time, the giant-talking-heads motif is claustrophobic and distracting. it! But good lord, the new movie is garThe singing and acting here bage. (Note: I’m gonna go ahead and Les assume everyone knows the plot to Misérables is mostly fine, despite all the hullaballoo about the actors singing Les Miz—it is, after all, the thinkdir. Tom Hooper ing man’s Phantom of the Opera. Opens Tues Dec 25 live. Surprisingly, it’s Broadway vet Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean who Amirite?!) [EDITOR’S NOTE: AliVarious botches his vocals a few times—a son assures me that was supposed to be Theaters few lines are jarringly off-key. Russell “a joke,” and that “theater kids” will “get Crowe acquits himself fairly well in the it.”—Ed.] The big hook for director Tom Hooper’s vocals department, though his Javert comes adaptation of the musical is that all of the actors off as a little too emo in pivotal scenes. I never thought I’d say this phrase, but the did their singing live: That is, the vocals were recorded as the actors sang them in each scene, best parts of this movie are the montages. Any time the movie broadens its lens to encompass not added later as in most movie musicals. Just to make sure nobody in the audience the whole of Paris, things start to get fun, and forgets about this fact, the film is packed with there are some enjoyable setpieces, like “Red extreme closeups. This is a mistake. Les Miz plays and Black” performed by a pack of handsome great to a large theater, but the sung dialogue young revolutionaries. Even with a few engagseems profoundly silly in intimate closeup—it’s ing crowd scenes, though, this movie is 400 like Trapped in the Closet for white people who hours long, and feels longer. Nothing is added aren’t in on the joke. These closeups pay off in the transition to film—and quite a bit of in only a few scenes, most notably when Anne spectacle and fun is lost.
E
Debbie’s dad is played by John Lithgow, Pete’s V E R Y B O D Y K N O W S T H A T couby the always fantastic Albert Brooks—ladle ple. They’re pretty, everybody likes on even more stress. It’s all overstuffed, and them, and they’re fun to hang out with—until pretty blurry: This Is 40 isn’t so much they aren’t, since they’re always fightThis about its kajillion characters and plot ing. Not screaming, crying, throwIs 40 threads as it is about reminding you ing-whatever’s-at-hand fighting, that life is generally kind of crappy. but that sort of passive aggression dir. Judd Apatow Which, weirdly, isn’t as identifiwith just enough tension to make Opens Fri Dec 21 able of a sentiment as it should be: everyone slightly uncomfortable. Various The fact that Pete and Debbie are Spending two hours with them is Theaters incredibly well off (and did I mention kind of like watching This Is 40—a film how incredibly attractive they are?) can’t help that, in a few ways, feels like Judd Apatow’s but detract from their supposed unhappiness. most personal yet. It’s kind of like Scenes from There’s never any doubt that Pete and Debbie a Marriage, if Ingmar Bergman wrote great will stay together, which means we get hours jokes about blowjobs. of Pete and Debbie squabbling, nagging, Playing Pete and Debbie—their characters whining, and pouting… and then they wonder from Knocked Up—Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann if they should sell their mansion of a house, are the world’s most attractive and bickering or blithely hop into their BMWs and Lexuses. couple. While Knocked Up had Pete and DebThis Is 40 is excellently acted, and consisbie helping out a couple of dumb kids, This Is tently funny, and, as a portrait of what it’s like 40 zooms in on their problems: Debbie insists to be rich and (kind of) sad, I don’t doubt it’s on insisting she’s still 38, Pete needs Viagra, authentic. But whether or not you’ll want to they’re constantly annoyed with each other, spend two hours listening to these two bickertheir businesses are underperforming, their ing about it is another issue entirely. kids are pains in the ass, and their fathers—
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 43
Film
Take Your Mom to a Movie! She’ll Probably Think The Guilt Trip Is Okay by Ben Coleman
THE GUILT TRIP Oh, wait, there he is. And Renée Zellweger?
T
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SaTurday dECEMBEr 22 · 7:00pm See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website
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44 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
HE GUILT TRIP is a mother-son road movie, but it’s not terrible. “Just so-so” was comedy (mom-com?) starring Barbra my mom’s verdict. I thought it was a sweet but Streisand and Seth Rogen, which is a sentence watered-down Apatow clone. “Apatowesque,” I I felt confident I’d never have to write until guess, but without the bite you’d expect from the recently. Rogen plays a schlubby, romantically real thing. My mom had difficulty taking Babs seriously as a middle-class empty-nester. I challenged biochemist determined The didn’t buy Seth Rogen as a biochemist. to pitch his revolutionary cleaning Guilt Trip That said, you could do worse: If product to distributors across the country. Barbra Streisand plays his dir. Anne Fletcher you like Rogen’s shtick, which God Now Playing help me I do, he puts his running schlubby, romantically challenged Various mumbly patter to good use. And mother. They go on a road trip. Theaters while Streisand turns it up to 11, her Is this a Barbra Streisand movie mom stuff feels like real mom stuff: she with Seth Rogen in it? Or a Seth Rogen likes Pilates, outlet stores, and ordering salad movie with Barbra Streisand in it? (It seems inconceivable that they could really share bill- dressing on the side. It’s a fairly grounded pering or, for that matter, a significant audience formance, all things considered. And like I said, it’s sweet. There’s a nice demographic.) In the interests of science, and because I am not history’s greatest monster, little moment where a Nashville stripper helps I invited my mother to the press screening to our heroes change a tire. It’s a movie with a stripper in it that you can totally see with your see which one of us would like it better. And... we both liked it about the same. Well mom, which is another sentence I never explayed, Hollywood! The Guilt Trip isn’t a great pected to type.
The Wes Anderson Universe Cinema 21 Presents Three Anderson Classics by Jamie S. Rich
W
ES ANDERSON’S BRAND is pretty and observe the evolution of a filmmaker learnsecure. Moonrise Kingdom, his seventh ing to walk on his own two feet. (Wearing carefilm, was one of the best of 2012, and it couldn’t fully chosen, artistically pleasing boots that he have been more “Wes Anderson.” Unlike any designed, no less.) Plus, they’re in 35mm, which other current filmmaker, this buttoned-down a film fetishist like Wes Anderson would likely insist is the most proper viewing method. auteur has such a fully realized and easily Anderson fans could spend hours identifiable style that he’s often parodA obsessing over the details in these ied, misunderstood, and pigeonVery Wes pictures, and many more arguholed: twee music, retro clothes, Anderson ing over which is their favorite. daddy issues, and sad-eyed girls Christmas Are you the sneering indie kid and the boys who love them are dir. Wes Anderson who insists Wes was never better all tell-tale signs you’ve crossed Tues Dec 25than his first release? Are you a into the Wes Anderson Universe. Sun Dec 30 cynical young lady who uses MarThings weren’t always so obviCinema 21 got Tenenbaum as a fashion temous, however. While Anderson’s 1996 plate? Or perhaps a hopeless dreamer debut Bottle Rocket is a cult favorite now, at the time it merely hinted at what was to come, who wishes his high school experience had and the seeds of the Anderson aesthetic were been like Max Fischer’s? Whether you have only just taking root. This should be especially watched any of these films recently, or haven’t evident for those who partake of all three films seen them in a while, you’ll find they get betat Cinema 21’s “A Very Wes Anderson Christ- ter with age. That’s another signifier of Wes mas.” Watch them in order—Bottle Rocket, Rush- Anderson films: Their impact only increases more (1998), and The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)— with repeat viewings.
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BOTTLE ROCKET Wes Anderson before he got all Wes Anderson-y.
★ ANNA KARENINA Prediction: Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina is going to be the Speed Racer of literary adaptations—defended by nerds, derided by other nerds, and baffling to the public at large. It’s an audacious interpretation of Leo Tolstoy that’s overstuffed and overflowing with style. I can’t be sure that it’s a good movie—but I was so overwhelmed by its boldness that I can’t deny I kind of loved it. JAMIE S. RICH Fox Tower 10. ★ THE BIG LEBOWSKI “It’s like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and... uh....” Clinton Street Theater.
Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas. See academytheaterpdx.com for specific programs and times. Academy Theater.
GREGORY CREWDSON: BRIEF ENCOUNTERS A documentary about photographer Gregory Crewdson, featuring Rick Moody, Russell Banks, and Laurie Simmons. Living Room Theaters.
THE GUILT TRIP
See review this issue. Various Theaters.
A Parisian man murders the dude who was sleeping with his wife, then assumes his identity and flees to Yugoslavia. Like you do. Living Room Theaters.
★ HECKLEVISION: SANTA WITH MUSCLES The Hollywood presents the Hulk Hogan non-classic, in which “a protein powder magnate turned evil millionaire gets amnesia, believes he is Santa Claus, and saves an orphanage.” And you can text your smartass remarks and they’ll pop up onscreen! Hollywood Theatre.
THE CENTRAL PARK FIVE
HITCHCOCK
THE BIG PICTURE
A documentary—co-directed by Ken Burns—about five teenagers wrongly convicted of raping a jogger in Central Park in 1989. Living Room Theaters.
CHRISTMAS IN ACIDLAND Two and a half hours of freaky-ass Christmas clips. Hollywood Theatre.
CHRISTMAS IN SPACE A slew of nostalgic sci-fi Christmas junk: The utterly execrable Star Wars Holiday Special, Planet of the Apes and Star Trek toy commercials, Christmas-y musical performances from both the Ramones and Bing Crosby (feat. David Bowie), and more. Hollywood Theatre.
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL: WORLDS AWAY 3D Goddammit. Various Theaters.
★ DJANGO Starting with Django’s blood-red opening titles, there are countless things Quentin Tarantino riffs on in Django Unchained, but Sergio Corbucci’s 1966 spaghetti western is wholly its own entity, bearing a grim, despairing tone and a Catholic sense of bloody justice. A stranger (Franco Nero) wanders into town dragging a coffin, with a winsome redhead by his side (Loredana Nusciak, inexplicably playing a half Incan/half Mexican). I won’t say what’s inside that coffin, but let’s just say a lot of people die—this was one of the most violent movies ever made up to that time. It’s probably still one of dirtiest; Italian westerns always favor earthy desperation instead of American hero/gun worship, and the dour, still-shocking Django is no exception. Cinema 21 screens a digital restoration of the original Italian-language version with English subtitles. NED LANNAMANN Cinema 21.
The making of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic 1960 horror film Psycho is fodder for the by-the-numbers biopic Hitchcock. Making a movie about one of the most celebrated filmmakers of all time is a dangerous game, and while Hitchcock is competent—and occasionally even breezily entertaining—it mostly plays like a TV movie. NED LANNAMANN City Center 12, Fox Tower 10. “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” That’s how proto-nerd J.R.R. Tolkien began The Hobbit, his charming children’s book that inspired The Lord of the Rings, one of the most extraordinary doorstops of English literature. Compared to the gloomy, intricate Rings, The Hobbit is a short, fast-paced, goofy adventure. Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, though, is something else: Hollow, meandering, repetitive, and tedious, it covers only the first part of Tolkien’s book, yet somehow feels longer than any of Jackson’s excellent Lord of the Rings films. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.
★ DJANGO UNCHAINED See review this issue. Various Theaters.
★ HOLY MOTORS Monsieur Oscar (Denis Lavant) traverses Paris in the back of a massive white limousine. With faithful driver Céline (Edith Scob) at the wheel, and with the limo’s cabin packed with a makeup table and more rubbery prosthetics than Cloud Atlas, Oscar goes to a number of “appointments”— and at each, he drastically changes his face, his hair, his clothes, his mannerisms, his cohorts. First he appears as a privileged businessman, then a filthy, deranged, fucked-up leprechaun; sometimes he’s a decrepit, panhandling old woman, later he’s a father, an assassin, a guy wearing a motion-capture unitard who goes down on a woman wearing a motion-capture unitard. Holy Motors might very well be brilliant, and it also might very well be 2012’s version of the emperor’s new clothes. ERIK HENRIKSEN Fox Tower 10, Hollywood Theatre.
EKIMMU: THE DEAD LUST
HYDE PARK ON HUDSON
A not-screened-for-critics horror flick that includes “dark humor, raw grit, and some hot chicks.” Clinton Street Theater.
THE EYE OF THE STORM An Australian family drama based on the novel by Patrick White. Living Room Theaters.
FILM MOVEMENT: A DECADE TRIBUTE The NW Film Center presents a series of double features, all made up of foreign and independent films distributed by Film Movement. More info: nwfilm.org. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.
FROSTY FRIDAYS FREE SCREENINGS
Free screenings of Christmas specials like How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and Emmet
YOU AND A GUEST ARE INVITED TO AN ADVANCE SCREENING
THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY
Email your name, age and zip code with GUILT MERCURY in the subject line to portland@43kix.com for your chance to win a THE GUILT TRIP prize pack! THIS FILM IS RATED PG-13. PARENTS STRONGLY CAUTIONED. SOME MATERIAL MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, Portland Mercury and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!
IN THEATRES DECEMBER 19TH!
PORTLAND MERCURY THURSDAY YOU12/20/12 AND AB&WGUEST ARE INVITED TO 4.75” x 3.25” AN ADVANCE RM SCREENING ALL.GTR-P.1220.PM
Bill Murray can do no fucking wrong. His Franklin Delano Roosevelt obviously isn’t the so-good-it’s-scary, souldeep possession of Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abraham Lincoln. It’s not like you ever forget that he’s Bill Murray. But he’s excellent anyway: He gets the president’s playfulness, his condescending, patrician air, and his inherent inaccessibility, and he makes it his own. His performance is a masterful sketch that looks easier than it probably is. It’s a shame Murray is stuck in the middle of such a pedestrian movie. PAUL CONSTANT Fox Tower 10.
VISIT WWW.GOFOBO.COM/RSVP and enter code MERCYT5Z to download your pass for two!
Screening will be held on Wednesday, January 2nd at 7PM!
JACK REACHER
This film is Rated R for pervasive language, some drug use and sexual content. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, The Stranger and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!
Tom Cruise (along with Werner Herzog!) stars in an adaptation of Lee Child’s book One Shot. Not screened in time for press; review forthcoming at portlandmercury.com. Various Theaters.
IN THEATRES JANUARY 4TH!
★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 21-THURSDAY DECEMBER 27, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM. AD NO. 302 (SAU) 3 COL. (5.7”) X 10.5” = 31.5”
BILLING N/ L / T 30% TO TITLE
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 45
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VERY VERY IMPORTANT NEWS About Your Portland Mercury Newspaper
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try es w.c for ityo n a b fvancouver.us/ur
JACK REACHER Tom Cruise pictured actual size.
★ KILLING THEM SOFTLY The story of Killing Them Softly is timeless: Here are a bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money. While it’s based on George V. Higgins’ 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, Killing Them Softly feels utterly contemporary—largely because writer/director Andrew Dominik has picked up Higgins’ story and plopped it down a few decades later. Now it plays out in the gray ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans, with a soundtrack of news stories about the 2008 financial crisis leaking from every TV and car radio. Suddenly, that bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money is part of a bigger story. ERIK HENRIKSEN Century Eastport 16, Living Room Theaters. ★ A LATE QUARTET At the start of A Late Quartet, Christopher Walken’s character explains to a group of his cello students that Beethoven’s late quartet, Opus 131, is not the standard four movements but instead has seven parts and that you have to play them straight through with no breaks, which causes your instruments to go all out of tune with one another. “It’s a mess,” he says. It’s also a metaphor about how basic entropy affects togetherness. The togetherness, say, of a musical group that’s been playing together for 25 years when the oldest member finds he has Parkinson’s and can’t go on. Walken plays that character. Has he ever been the emotional center of a film before? It’s magical. For much of A Late Quartet, the camera follows the storm of the other characters’ drama—often, melodrama—until it finds a resting place once again on Walken’s alien face, quietly registering the effects of old age. JEN GRAVES Laurelhurst Theater.
LES MISÉRABLES
See review this issue. Various Theaters.
★ LIFE OF PI Ang’s Lee’s overblown but nonetheless quite beautiful adaptation of Yann Martel’s 2001 novel of the same name. Like the novel, it’s a parable disguised as an adventure story; like the novel, some people will think it contains profound truths, and some will find it unbearably overwrought. Others—me!—will appreciate some of the best 3D we’ve seen to date, and enjoy the adventure despite its self-seriousness. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.
LINCOLN Oscar bait doesn’t get much more baiting than this: Steven Spielberg directing Daniel Day-Lewis with a Tony Kushner script about the final months of America’s most beloved, tragic president. By and large, Lincoln wanders many of the same paths Spielberg’s other Oscar bait-y films have taken—this one feels particularly like Amistad, though there’s some War Horse in here too. Lincoln is a generally well-made film, but it’s also one stitched together from Day-Lewis’ dramatic monologues and cinematographer Janusz Kaminski’s reverential sepia tones: Even when it tries to humanize Lincoln, it’s mostly just here to reaffirm what a Great Man he was and how he made some Very Important History. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.
MADOKA MAGICA
Four hours of anime—and merely “the beginning of the new story of the magical witch girls.” Jesus christ. Hollywood Theatre.
★ MIRACLE MILE It’s 1988. Anthony Edwards still has hair. It’s kinda disconcerting. He walks by a pay phone. It rings. He picks it up. The voice on the other end lets him know that the nuclear apocalypse will have laid waste to the Earth by the time the sun rises. The movie that follows is a little-seen, highly-regarded VHS-era classic, a tense, frantic thriller whose heart pumps pure paranoia. BOBBY ROBERTS Hollywood Theatre.
MONSTERS, INC. 3D
Hey, it’s Monsters, Inc., except now it costs more money! Various Theaters.
A NUCLEAR CHRISTMAS
A double feature of Dr. Strangelove and A Day Called X. Mission Theater.
PARENTAL GUIDANCE Two grandparents (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler) are tasked with taking care of their grandkids. Shenanigans ensue! We did not review this film. Various Theaters.
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
1964’s cult classic. Clinton Street Theater.
★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN Detroit singer/songwriter Rodriguez released two obscure albums of introspective, Dylanesque agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, then promptly vanished. Documentary filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul picks up his thread in South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music has amassed a huge following over the decades—and where nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man behind the records. If this is the first you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the film. Even if you do know what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. NED LANNAMANN Laurelhurst Theater. ★ THE SESSIONS Helen Hunt plays Cheryl, who’s been hired to indoctrinate paralyzed writer Mark (John Hawkes) in the ways of S-E-X. Mark contracted polio as a kid, and the iron lung has seriously hindered his game—so after realizing that other disabled people still manage to have sex lives, he contacts Cheryl to figure out just what kind of experiences his paralyzed body is capable of having. The Sessions is bound to be over praised, but Hunt and Hawkes are so damn good, and the scenes between the two of them so rich in awkward, funny, premature ejaculate-y tenderness, that the strengths of this odd little true story far outweigh its imperfections. ALISON HALLETT Fox Tower 10, Hollywood Theatre, Liberty Theatre. ★ SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS Martin McDonagh’s feverish story about a drunk screenwriter, Marty (Colin Farrell). And the probably insane Billy (Sam Rockwell). And a charming, doddering dog thief (charming, doddering Christopher Walken), and an Amish sociopath (Harry Dean Stanton), and an exceedingly troubled man with a bunny (Tom Waits), and a trigger-happy crime boss (Woody Harrelson). Things get a bit meta, and they get impressively bloody, and there might be one or two women in it? Briefly? There is definitely a dog in it. This isn’t a movie for everybody, but it’s well aware of that fact. ERIK HENRIKSEN Academy Theater, Bagdad Theater, Edgefield, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater, St. Johns Theater and Pub, Vancouver Plaza 10. ★ SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK As someone who’s skeptical of silver linings being an actual thing, so too was I skeptical of Silver Linings Playbook, the would-be feel-good holiday release from I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. Midway through the trailer, I half expected a voiceover to proclaim it was “from the producers of The Blind Side of the Help.” But while the path of this thing seems obvious, the film’s romance sneaks up on you: Russell disguises his love story by shooting Silver Linings Playbook with the same visceral immediacy he brought to The Fighter, cloaking the courtship in the manic energy of mental disorders. JAMIE S. RICH Various Theaters.
THIS IS 40
See review this issue. Various Theaters.
★ A VERY WES ANDERSON CHRISTMAS See Film, this issue. Cinema 21.
★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 21-THURSDAY DECEMBER 27, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.
46 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
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Film Times
LISTINGS ARE GOOD FRIDAY-THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21-27 UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED.
Downtown Fox Tower 10
846 SW Park, 800-326-3264
Anna Karenina Fri-Sun 11:45 am, 2:25, 4:35, 7:10, 9:50; Mon 11:45 am, 2:25, 4:35, 7:10 Hitchcock Fri-Sun 12:15, 2:25, 5:05, 7:15, 9:45; Mon 12:15, 2:25, 5:05, 7:15 Holy Motors Fri-Sun 12:05, 2:30, 4:55, 7:20, 10; Mon 12:05, 2:30, 4:55, 7:20 Hyde Park on Hudson Fri-Sun 12, 1:45, 2:40, 4:15, 5:10, 7:05, 7:30, 9:15, 9:50; Mon 12, 1:45, 2:40, 4:15, 5:10, 7:05, 7:35 Lincoln Fri-Sun 12:20, 4, 4:30, 7, 7:40, 9:35; Mon 12:20, 4, 4:30, 7, 7:30 The Sessions Fri-Mon 12:10, 2:15 Silver Linings Playbook Fri 12, 2:30, 4:20, 5, 7, 7:30, 9:30, 9:55; Sat-Sun 12, 1:50, 2:30, 4:20, 5, 7, 7:30, 9:30, 9:55; Mon 12, 1:50, 2:30, 4:20, 5, 7, 7:30 Skyfall Fri-Sun 11:50 am, 2:45, 7, 9:25; Mon 11:50 am, 2:45, 7:25
Living Room Theaters 341 SW 10th, 971-222-2005
Argo Fri-Sun 11:35, 1:50, 4:15, 7:15, 9:40; Mon 11:35, 1:50, 4:15; Tues-Thurs 11:35, 1:50, 4:15, 7:15, 9:40 The Big Picture Fri-Sun 5:15, 9:45; Mon 5:15; TuesThurs 5:15, 9:45 The Central Park Five Fri-Sun 2:20, 6:40; Mon 2:20; Tues-Thurs 2:20, 6:40 Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D Fri-Sun 12, 7; Mon 12; Tues-Thurs 12, 2:10, 4:40, 7, 9:20 The Eye of the Storm Fri-Sun 11:50, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 9:50; Mon 11:50, 2:30, 5, 9:50; Tues-Thurs 11:50, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 9:50 Gregory Crewdson: Brief Encounters Fri-Sun 12:10, 4:50, 9:10; Mon 12:10, 4:50; Tues-Thurs 12:10, 4:50, 9:10 The Guilt Trip Fri-Sun 11:40, 2, 4:30, 6:50, 9; Mon 11:40, 2, 4:30; Tues-Thurs 11:40, 2, 4:30, 6:50, 9 Killing Them Softly Fri-Sun 2:10, 4:40, 9:20; Mon 2:10, 4:40 Old Goats Fri-Sun 12:20, 2:45, 7:45; Mon 12:20, 2:45; Tues-Thurs 12:20, 2:45, 7:45
NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium 1219 SW Park, 221-1156
Film Movement: A Decade Tribute Wed The Violin at 7, The Great Match at 9; Thurs Human Resources Manager at 7, Hospitalité at 9 Great Expectations Sat 7 Nicholas Nickleby Fri 7; Sun 7
Pioneer Place Stadium 6 340 SW Morrison, 800-326-3264
The Guilt Trip Fri-Mon 11:30 am, 2:15, 5, 7:45, 10:30 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Mon 11 am, 3, 4, 7, 8
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Mon 12 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Sun 11:30 am, 2:45, 6:30, 9:45; Mon 11:30 am, 2:45, 6:30 Monsters, Inc. Fri-Mon 2 Monsters, Inc. 3D Fri-Mon 11:15 am, 4:45, 7:30, 10:15 One Shot Films Fri-Mon 12:15, 3:30, 7:15, 10:40 Parental Guidance Tues-Thurs 11:10 am, 1:50, 4:30, 7:10, 9:50 This Is 40 Fri-Mon 11:45 am, 3:15, 6:45, 10
North St. Johns Theater and Pub 8203 N Ivanhoe, 225-5555
Hotel Transylvania Fri-Sat 6; Wed 1, 6; Thurs 6 It’s a Wonderful Life Fri-Sun 1; Thurs 1 Seven Psychopaths Fri-Sat 8:15; Wed-Thurs 8:15
St. Johns Twin Cinemas 8704 N Lombard, 286-1768
Django Unchained Tues 5:10, 8:30; Wed-Thurs 1:40, 5:10, 8:30
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri 4:30, 7:55; Sat-Sun 1, 4:30, 7:55; Mon 4:30; Tues 4:30, 7:55; WedThurs 1, 4:30, 7:55 Skyfall Fri 5, 8:25; Sat-Sun 2:10, 5, 8:25; Mon 5
Northwest
Django Fri 7, 9; Sat-Sun 2:30, 4:30, 7, 9 The Royal Tenenbaums Tues 2:30, 9; Wed-Thurs 7 Rushmore Tues 12:30, 7; Wed-Thurs 5
Mission Theater
1624 NW Glisan, 223-4527
Hotel Transylvania Fri 5:30; Sat-Sun 2:30, 5:30; WedThurs 5:30
The Man With the Iron Fists Fri 9:45-Sun 9:45; WedThurs 9:45
A Nuclear Christmas Sat 8 Seven Psychopaths Fri 7:30-Sun 7:30; Wed-Thurs 7:30
Northeast Hollywood Theatre 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215
Chasing Ice Fri 7; Sat 5; Sun 5, 7, 9:30; Tues 7; Wed 7:30; Thurs 7, 9 Christmas in Acidland Tues 7:15 Christmas in Space Sat 7 Elf Sat-Sun 2:30 Hecklevision: Santa with Muscles Sat 9:45 Holy Motors Fri 9:20; Sat-Sun 4:30, 9:20; Tues-Wed 9:20; Thurs 6:45, 9:20 It’s a Wonderful Life Fri 6:45; Sat 2 (free to seniors), 6:45; Sun 2, 6:45; Tues 6:45 Madoka Magica Wed 7 Miracle Mile Fri 9:30 The Sessions Fri 7:15, 9:10; Sat-Sun 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:10; Tues 9:10; Wed-Thurs 7:15, 9:10
Roseway Theater The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Thurs
7818 SE Stark, 252-0500
Frankenweenie Sat-Sun 12:30 Hotel Transylvania Fri-Mon 3, 5:30; Tues-Thurs 5:30 The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri-Mon 7:30;
Brave Fri-Thurs 2:30 Frankenweenie Fri 12; Sat-Mon 1, 5:15; Tues 5:15;
Laurelhurst Theater 2735 E Burnside, 232-5511
Beasts of the Southern Wild Fri 4:15, 6:45, 9; SatSun 1:20, 4:15, 6:45, 9 Hotel Transylvania Sat-Sun 2 A Late Quartet Sat-Sun 1:45 Looper Fri-Sun 4:30, 7, 9:15
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Fri-Sun 7:20, 10:10; Mon 7:20
Wreck-It Ralph Fri-Mon 10:50 am, 1:40, 4:25
Cinemagic
Southeast Academy Theater
Seven Psychopaths Fri-Thurs 9:45
7:15
12, 4, 8
5736 NE 33rd, 249-7474
Tues-Thurs 2:30, 7:30
This Is 40 Fri-Sun 12:45, 4, 7:15, 10:30; Mon 12:45, 4,
7229 NE Sandy, 282-2898
Kennedy School
2021 SE Hawthorne, 231-7919
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri 5, 8:25; Sat-Sun 1:30, 5, 8:25; Mon 1:30; Tues-Thurs 5, 8:25
Clinton Street Theater 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899
The Big Lebowski Fri-Thurs 6:50, 9:20 Ekimmu: The Dead Lust Fri 11:59 pm Rocky Horror Picture Show Sat 11:30 pm Santa Claus Conquers the Martians Sun 11:59 pm
Wed-Thurs 1, 5:15
Frosty Fridays Free Screenings Fri 2, 3:45, 5:15 Hotel Transylvania Fri-Mon 12:30, 2:30, 4:30; Tues 2:30, 4:30; Wed-Thurs 12:30, 2:30, 4:30
Looper Fri-Sun 6:40, 9:10; Mon 6:40; Tues-Thurs 6:40, 9:10 The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri 7:15, 9:30; SatSun 3, 7:15, 9:30; Mon 3, 7:15; Tues-Thurs 3, 7:15, 9:30 Seven Psychopaths Fri-Sun 12:15, 4:40, 7, 9:20; Mon 12:15, 4:40, 7; Tues 4:40, 7, 9:20; Wed-Thurs 12:15, 4:40, 7, 9:20
Elsewhere Bridgeport Village Stadium 18 7329 SW Bridgeport Rd., Tigard, 800-326-3264
Avalon
Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D Fri-Mon 12, 7 Django Unchained Tues 12:10, 3:30, 7:10, 10:40 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Mon 11:30
Searching for Sugar Man Fri-Sun 7:15 Seven Psychopaths Fri-Sun 4:45, 9:30
Frankenweenie Sat 11:30 am; Wed-Thurs 11:30 am Hotel Transylvania Fri 2:45, 6:20; Sat 11:15 am, 2:45,
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Mon 12, 4, 8;
Lloyd Center 10 Cinema
6:20; Sun 2:45, 6:20; Mon 2:45; Tues 6:20; Wed-Thurs 11:15 am, 2:45, 6:20 Looper Fri-Sun 3:05, 9:15; Mon 3:05; Tues 9:15; WedThurs 3:05, 9:15 Mr. Brawlin’s Opus Fri-Sun 1:10, 4:25, 7:15; Mon 1:10; Tues 4:25, 7:15; Wed-Thurs 1:10, 4:25, 7:15 Pitch Perfect Fri-Sun 5:15; Tues-Thurs 5:15 Taken 2 Fri-Sun 1, 8, 9:45; Mon 1; Tues 8, 9:45; WedThurs 1, 8, 9:45
The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri 4, 7:30, 9:40;
Sat-Sun 1:30, 4, 7:30, 9:40
1510 NE Multnomah, 800-326-3264
Django Unchained Tues 11:55 am, 3:10, 6:40, 9:55; Wed-Thurs 11:35 am, 3:10, 6:50, 10:30 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Thurs 11:30 am, 3:30, 7:30 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Sun 12:30, 4:30, 8:30; Mon 12:30, 4:30 Les Misérables Tues-Thurs 11:45 am, 3:20, 7:10, 10:40 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Sun 12:15, 3:25, 6:55, 10; Mon 12:15, 3:25, 6:55 Lincoln Fri-Sun 11:45 am, 3:10, 6:45, 10:10; Mon 11:45 am, 3:10, 6:45 One Shot Films Fri-Sun 12:10, 3:50, 7:20, 10:30; Mon 11:50 am, 12:40, 3, 3:50, 6:30, 7:10 Parental Guidance Tues 11:50 am, 2:30, 5:05, 7:40, 10:15; Wed-Thurs 11:55 am, 2:30, 5:05, 7:40, 10:15 Skyfall Fri-Sun 12:20, 3:40, 7, 10:20; Mon 12:20, 3:40, 7 This Is 40 Fri-Sun 12:20, 3:40, 6:50, 10; Mon 12:05, 1:10, 3:15, 4:15, 6:40, 7:20
Lloyd Mall 8
15 Lloyd Center, 800-326-3264
Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D Fri-Mon 12, 6 Flight Fri-Sun 8:45 The Guilt Trip Fri-Sun 12:20, 3:20, 6:20, 8:50; Mon 12:20, 3:20, 6:20
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Sun 12, 4, 8; Mon 12, 4
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Sun 1, 5, 9; Mon 1, 5
Les Misérables Tues-Thurs 12:35, 4:15, 7:35 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Sun 3, 9:15; Mon 3 Monsters, Inc. Fri-Mon 3:25 Monsters, Inc. 3D Fri-Sun 12:30, 6:15, 8:35; Mon 12:30, 6:15
Cinema 21
Rise of the Guardians Fri-Mon 12:25, 3:30, 6:05 Skyfall Fri-Sun 6:10, 9:15; Mon 6:10 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Fri-Sun
Bottle Rocket Tues 5; Wed-Thurs 9:15
12:35, 3:15, 6:20, 9; Mon 12:35, 3:15, 6:20 Wreck-It Ralph Fri-Mon 12:10, 3:05
616 NW 21st, 223-4515
LES MISÉRABLES He dreamed a dream.
3451 SE Belmont, 238-1617
Bagdad Theater
3702 SE Hawthorne, 225-5555
Hotel Transylvania Sat-Sun 2 Pitch Perfect Fri 5; Sat-Sun 6; Wed-Thurs 6 Seven Psychopaths Fri 7:20; Sat 8:15, 10:25; Sun 8:15; Wed-Thurs 8:15
Century Eastport 16 4040 SE 82nd, 800-326-3264
Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D Fri-Mon 12, 7 The Guilt Trip Fri-Sun 11:25 am, 2:10, 4:45, 7:10, 9:35; Mon 11:25 am, 2:10, 4:45, 7:10
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Sun 11:30 am, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30, 9:30, 10:15; Mon 11:30 am, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Sun 10:45 am, 12:30, 4:30, 6:30, 8:30; Mon 10:45 am, 12:30, 4:30, 6:30, 8:15 Jack Reacher Fri-Sun 12:30, 3:45, 7, 10:20; Mon 12:30, 3:45, 7 Killing Them Softly Fri-Sun 2:20, 4:40, 9:25; Mon 2:20, 4:40 Les Misérables Tues-Thurs 11:40 am, 3:20, 7, 10:30 Life of Pi Fri-Mon 12:50, 6:45 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Sun 11 am, 2:15, 3:50, 5:20, 8:15, 9:45; Mon 11 am, 2:15, 3:50, 5:20, 8:15 Lincoln Fri-Sun 11:10 am, 2:25, 5:40, 7:05, 9:10, 10:25; Mon 11:10 am, 2:25, 5:40, 7:05 Monsters, Inc. 3D Fri-Sun 4:20, 7; Mon 1:55; Tues-Thurs 11:15 am, 4:35, 7:15, 9:40 Rise of the Guardians Fri-Mon 11:20 am, 2, 4:50 Skyfall Fri-Sun 10:55 am, 12:20, 2:05, 3:40, 5:25, 6:55, 8:50, 10:05; Mon 10:55 am, 12:20, 2:05, 3:40, 5:25, 6:55, 8:35
am, 3:30, 7:30; Tues 1, 5, 9 Tues 12:30, 4:30, 8:30 Jack Reacher Fri-Mon 1:40, 4:40, 7:40, 10:40 Les Misérables Tues-Thurs 11:30 am, 3:15, 7, 10:30 Parental Guidance Tues 12:20, 3, 6:30, 9:20 This Is 40 Fri-Mon 1:20, 4:20, 7:20, 10:20
City Center 12
801 C Street, Vancouver, 800-326-3264
Django Unchained Tues 11:05 am, 2:15, 6:05, 9:15 The Guilt Trip Fri-Sun 11:45 am, 2:10, 4:35, 7, 9:35; Mon 11:45 am, 2:10, 4:35, 7 Hitchcock Fri-Sun 11:20 am, 1:55, 4:20, 6:40, 9:20; Mon 11:20 am, 1:55, 4:20, 6:40 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Sun 10 am, 1:20, 1:50, 5:10, 5:40, 9, 9:30; Mon 10 am, 1:20, 1:50, 5:10, 5:40 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Mon 10:30 am, 2:20, 6:10 Les Misérables Tues 11 am, 2:25, 6, 9:25 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Sun 10 am, 12:55, 3:50, 6:45, 9:40; Mon 10 am, 12:55, 3:50, 6:45 Lincoln Fri 2:45, 6, 9:15; Sat 11:25 am, 6, 9:15; Sun 2:45, 6; Mon 2:45 Monsters, Inc. Fri-Mon 2 Monsters, Inc. 3D Fri-Sun 11:30 am, 4:25, 6:50, 9:15; Mon 11:30 am, 4:25, 6:50 One Shot Films Fri-Sun 11:45 am, 2:45, 6:10, 9:10; Mon 11:50 am, 2:45, 6:10 Parental Guidance Tues 11:10 am, 2, 4:25, 6:50, 9:20 Rise of the Guardians Fri-Mon 10:15 am, 12:40, 3:05 Silver Linings Playbook Tues 11:30 am, 2:15, 6:30, 9:15 Skyfall Fri-Sun 6:05, 9:25; Mon 6:05 This Is 40 Fri-Sun 11:40 am, 2:40, 6:20, 9:20; Mon 11:40 am, 2:40, 6:20 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Fri-Sun 10:10 am, 1, 3:40, 6:25, 9:05; Mon 10:10 am, 1, 3:40, 6:25
Film Times are updated daily at
PORTLANDMERCURY.COM
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 47
Savage Love by Dan Savage
My Dark Twisted Fantasy
T
his is a touchy and gross subject. I am a 17-year-old girl growing up in an adoptive family in Australia. I was sexually abused by my birth family, and I think it really fucked up my sexuality. The only thing that gets me off is the idea of people absolutely destroying their lives for an orgasm. I started with mild S&M stories and then moved on to grosser stuff like murder (stories and online images), pedo (stories only), and lately I’ve been thinking about my (adoptive) parents. The thing is, it doesn’t have to be a particular category. As long as it’s the most vile thing I can think of, it will get me off. There isn’t a pattern as far as gender, age, or relationship to the people I am fantasizing about; it just has to be horrible, the kind of thing that would destroy you in real life. These fantasies alone are scary enough, but because they are literally the only things that get me off, I can’t even really tell if I’m attracted to boys or girls or none of the above. I’m scared to talk to a counselor about this because I don’t want to freak my parents out. I mean, I’ve got my quirks, but overall I seem like a pretty healthy kid, and I try not to worry them. I don’t expect you to solve this problem via your column, but do you have any ideas for how I could get help with this without messing up my family? Not over Painful Experiences
S
a n e p e o p l e c a n have extreme and/or violent sexual fantasies, NOPE, and extreme and/or violent sexual fantasies do not make sane people crazy. (Let’s call them EVSFs for short, shall we?) But you need to talk to a shrink—not because you’re hopelessly damaged or the only person out there with EVSFs, but because you’re troubled by your fantasies. And that’s understandable. It’s difficult to have EVSFs—or to find a healthy way to incorporate EVSFs into your sex life, or to figure out how to dial EVSFs way the fuck back if there’s no healthy way to incorporate them into your sex life—when your erotic imagination is constantly dragging you to new and more disturbing places. And while most people’s fantasies are relatively fixed, i.e., certain types of people or scenarios turn them on, your erotic imagination seems to be on the hunt for new “wrong” thoughts, images, stimuli, and scenarios. You need to seize control of your sexuality, and you’ll need help doing that, or your sense of estrangement from your sexuality will only continue to grow. That said, NOPE, you could be seeing causation where there is only coincidence. There are a lot of people out there who didn’t suffer the kind of abuse you did—or any kind of abuse at all—but who nevertheless have EVSFs. Some people with troubling fantasies or interests have found relief with low-dose antidepressants; some folks with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have been helped by novel programs that incorporate MDMA, AKA ecstasy, into their treatment plans. You could be suffering from PTSD, considering your history. A good therapist—one with whom you are completely honest—may be able to help you reshape and redirect your fantasies in the direction of still-intense, less-wrong, not-constantly-escalating stimuli that gives you the “wrongness” charge you need without nuking your mental health or your life. (Stay away from all pedo porn sites, NOPE, even “stories only” porn. Please.) And a good sex therapist can help you draw a clear distinction between
Sex
your adult sexuality—whatever form it takes—and your history of sexual abuse. (I shared your letter with a sex researcher I trust, and she urged me to urge you to insist on seeing a reputable therapist who does sex therapy specifically, as they’re less likely to be sex-negative and therefore less likely to react with prudish or panicked judgments when you disclose your EVSFs.) Considering the abuse you suffered at the hands of your family of origin, NOPE, I trust that your adoptive parents are aware that you may need professional help throughout your life and that your asking for help is a good sign about (1) you as a person and (2) them as parents. At your very first appointment, ask your shrink to confirm that your sessions are confidential. If for some reason your shrink tells you he or she can’t offer you complete confidentiality (which they can and, in most places, are required to do by law, unless you’re a danger to yourself or others), thank the nice shrink for his or her time and ask your parents to make you an appointment to see a different shrink. Please get help—not because you are or may be kinky, NOPE, but because you’re struggling with doubt, you’re confused about your sexual orientation, and you’re rightly worried about the way your erotic imagination keeps upJOE NEWTON ping the “wrongness” ante. And remember: Not all counselors or shrinks are created equal. If you don’t like or click with the first one you see, tell your parents you want to see someone else.
I
am gay and I have a brother who’s gay. The problem is, he is very much into humiliation. He exposes himself online and allows his online “masters” to have control over his pictures and videos. I found his pictures recently, and the embarrassment and humiliation were a huge turn-on for him. (In real life, we’ve never shown any interest sexually in each other whatsoever. But when he asked if I had any naked pictures, I told him I did and sent some to him, and somehow that was a bit of a turn-on, I must admit.) On to the real problem: Soon, my brother told me that he felt really guilty, cleaned up his hard drive, deleted all his pics and mine and asked me to do the same, and swore off playing online. But I found evidence that he’s resumed this habit. This has been a pattern for him, he says, and he insists he was somehow damaged in childhood. I told him I see him as my kinky brother and that he might be happier if he could just accept himself. But I don’t think he should quit his “addiction” cold turkey, as it hasn’t worked in the past. Bro of Kinky Bro
T
h e r e a r e p e o p le who manage to turn their lives upside down in pursuit of their turn-ons—there are people whose sex lives are complete fucking shitshows—and all they’re into is heterosexual sex in the missionary position in their own bedrooms with the lights off. Your brother’s problem isn’t his childhood or his kink. His problems, plural, are his self-loathing, his attempts to swear off his kink (which leads to these binge-and-purge cycles), and the reckless ways he indulges his kink when he’s bingeing. Instead of running from his kinks—which he can’t do—your brother needs to find safer, saner ways to satisfy his desire for erotic humiliation and submitting to someone else’s control. People with humiliation kinks managed to find ways to get off before the internet came along, BOKB, and so can your brother. And you need to establish better boundaries, BOKB. No more swapping pics with your kinky bro, bro, and no more hunting for evidence of your bro’s ill-advised online adventures. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter
Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. 48 portlandmercury.com December 19th, 2012
I❤ TV
TV
™
by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
3 Locations Open 24HRS!!!
The Problem with Rudolph
[G
UYS! I’M ON vacation this week, so please enjoy this antique edition of I Love Television™ in which I attempt, and fail, to say something of value. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!—Humpy] (1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I’m talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (available on DVD and permanently seared into your brain). All the characters in these Rankin/Bass productions are tiny walking nightmares, whose mouths refuse to move at the proper speed, and jerk around like they have epilepsy. Christmas is a tim e to be thinking about GETTING PRESENTS, YO! Not flopping around on the ground while a total stranger tries to shove his wallet in your mouth. NEEDED CORRECTION: Rankin/Bass should’ve used CG… like they did in Avatar! If James Cameron had directed this, Rudolph would’ve been 100 percent realistic—though probably blue, and having “tail linked to beard” sex with Santa. (2) Santa’s kind of a dick. The moment Santa discovers young Rudolph’s glowing nose, the animal is immediately banned from pulling the sleigh—and any subsequent reindeer games! THAT’S DISCRIMINATION, Y’ALL! Then when the elves try to cheer Santa up by singing a kickass choral version of “We Are Santa’s Elves,” his only response is, “Needs some work.” You know what else needs some work, Santa? Your goddamn attitude! You treat those elves like they’re suicidal 11-year-olds working at a Chinese iPhone factory! SOMEBODY CALL A LAWYER! Elves are a protected class, bitch! NEEDED CORRECTION: Santa should be nicer. (3) Dentists are not necessarily homosexuals. A lot of them are, for sure. Probably 85 percent. However, directly equating dentistry with homosexuality—as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer clearly does with the
JEREMY EATON
character of “Hermey the Misfit Elf”—does a disservice to gay people, by making straight people not want to try super fun gay things. Because nobody likes the dentist, right? Except for me. Sometimes when I’m getting my teeth cleaned, I get a liiiittle biiiitty boner. NEEDED CORRECTION: I don’t know… maybe I can masturbate before going to the dentist? (4) The Abominable Snow Monster of the North totally has Justin Bieber’s haircut. IT’S TRUE! Check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me. NEEDED CORRECTION: Ugh! Every acne-pocked teen in America is wearing “the Beeb.” If the Abominable Snow Monster insists on stealing someone else’s hairdo, maybe he should go with a “high-top fade” like Kid ’n’ Play wore in House Party. THAT’S PHRESH! (5) The Island of Misfit Toys needs their own show. Those characters—including “Charlie-in-the-Box,” the “Bird Fish” (a bird who swims like a fish), and that bizarre winged lion “King Moonracer”—are way too disturbing to be in a kids Christmas special. NEEDED CORRECTION: These misfits should all star in a brand-new version of Lost. OMIGOD, I’M SO BRILLIANT! Here’s the plot: Santa’s sleigh crashes on a deserted island, where he’s instantly killed, leaving a bunch of stranded effed-up toys to make a brand-new life for themselves! Unfortunately, the toys are constantly under attack from an abominable (smoke) monster and a group of homosexual dentists called, “The Others.” AND JUSTIN BIEBER GUEST STARS!!!
Rudolph: needs some work
My Twitter account: “Needs some work.” @WmSteveHumphrey
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 22
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23
8:00 NBC THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT Stop entering this and it won’t exist!! (Can someone translate that for me?) 10:00 TLC CHEER PERFECTION Debut! A reality show about a cheerleader trainer, brought to you by the Honey Boo Boo people. RUN!!
9:00 HIS 2012: THE END IS NOW A show examining how people are preparing for… the end of the world tomorrow?!? 10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA Season finale! Frank and Dennis take each other to court over a bowl of cereal.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21
7:00 BBCA THE BRIT LIST Tonight featuring the best Doctor Who lists—including best moments, monsters, and sidekicks. 9:00 TRU KILLER KARAOKE A man sings “Ramblin’ Man” while immersed in a tank full of snakes. YESSSSSSSSS.
8:00 FOX COPS In this holiday-themed episode titled, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”— wait. It’s actually just about prostitution. BOOOOO!!! 8:00 NBC MR. MAGOO’S CHRISTMAS CAROL The 1962 animated version of the Dickens classic— and you know what? Still the BEST!
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie (1965) Governess Maria uses a bunch of singing kids to outwit the Nazis. OMG, those guys were gullible!!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 24
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie (1946) “Merry Christmas, George… IN JAIL! HAW! HAW! HAWWWWW!” (Best line reading ever.) 8:00 IFC TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET Yay! Every episode! Spend Xmas with R. Kelly!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL The Doctor fights… Frosty the Snowman? (Pro tip: Steal his hat!)
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 49
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DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH
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ld
MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE
That’s great, it starts with a prophecy, pseudo-science on TLC—Louie C.K.’s dad needs voter ID. Times Square hurricane, hipster with a butter churn. Yelp is for shitheads, please don’t be a shithead. Feed it off your iPad, smart, no, snark. Your neighbors are belabored with small talks, art walks. Wireless perspire, playing hella shooter games, bongs will make you higher than a vaporizer might. Right of right and coming with a filibust, private trust, ringing up… your… debt. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, fired. Look at that bass drop! Fuck. Dubstep. Uh oh, overflow, population, tweet your food, and blog it, too. Don’t shave yourself, serve yourself. Yelp’s still for shitheads, use it then your heart’s dead.
En
by Ian Karmel
Dummy with the CAPTCHA, can’t get my password right— right. You Hipstamatic, Democratic, slam, bright, white, quite right, don’t be so uptight. [Chorus] It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. Wheneverthefuck, Hulu hour. Watch three days without a shower. Ben and Jerry’s, Chuck and Larry’s, buy your soup at Cash & Carrys. Dropping out, uniforming, coffee pouring, blood selling. Every mom in
Escalade. Automotive degradate. Buy a banjo, buy a moped. Step down! Step down! Watch your credit drop, dropped. Uh oh, this means flop house, no spouse, then you’re getting deloused. A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of bands. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline. [Chorus] The other night I Googled Grimes. Generational divide. Feeling old before my time. CAMRYN MANHEIM. Cam’ron. Mankind. Dave Chappelle and Lance Bangs. Birthday party, cake pop, bacon doughnut, boom! You broken-hearted, Wikismarteds. Face. Book. Check. Right? Whatever. [Chorus] @IanKarmel
Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com
YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN
DOG DAYS OF BUMMER I didn’t break up with you because of the reasons I stated. I was just too embarrassed to tell you the truth, so I made up some stupid reason and stuck with it. I wanted to tell you, but I know how petty I would sound: You are completely obsessed with your fucking dog. You treat him like a spoiled child, and having to compete for your attention was something I couldn’t continue. When he would jump all over me, you’d just laugh and say, “He likes you!” You let him sleep in between us, and I felt like I was cuddling a smelly dog all night. He ruled your world, not me. He got undivided attention, not me. How could I say I’m breaking up with you because I felt inferior to your dog? How would that make me look? The last straw was when you made ME sit in the backseat while your dog rode shotgun. That was just too humiliating, and that’s when I decided to break up with you. I’ll never forget that lady’s face as we drove by with your dog’s silhouette in the passenger seat and my sorry ass in the back… I could tell she knew my pain.—Anonymous
UNDERWORLD // KAZ
Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com
Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.
December 19th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 51
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