The Portland Mercury, August 9, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 12) by Joe Davis

FREE EVERY THURSDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 12 / AUGUST 9 - 15, 2012 / MAJOR FUNDING FOR THIS PUBLICATION WAS PROVIDED BY JORTS-A-MILLION

CAT CIRCUS! CATS! RIDING SKATEBOARDS!? P. 38

S E L A T E U TR t Terror!

e M i r T

YOU’LL

MUSIC

A DE T A K O V E R LO

NT O O C C RA

HE S

AGA Y A W AM E

LET’S GO TO THE

ENCHANTED FOREST! P.19

JESUS

WHY PORTLANDERS

HATE CHURCH

P.8

FILM

WAIT… WHERE’S

MATT DAMON? P.45

foLLoW us onLInE At: fAcEBooK.com/mIKEtHrAsHErprEsEnts tWIttEr.com/mIKEtHrAsHErpdX · WWW.myspAcE.com/mIKEtHrAsHErprEsEnts

for A fuLL scHEduLE vIsIt WWW.mIKEtHrAsHErprEsEnts.com

AUSTIN LUCAS

H A W T H O R N E T H E A T E R

fRi Aug

21 AND OVER SHOW!

8:30pm doors 21 And ovEr In tHE LounGE

pRiMA DONNA

THE BLOODTYpES & guANTANAMO BAYWATCH

tHIs

fRi

21 AND OVER SHOW!

fRi Aug

tHIs

fRi

8:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

THe RobInSonS & PSyCHedelIC FAmIly bAndFeATuRIng KevIn & AnITA oF

ViVA VOCE/BLuE giANT

THu Aug

The

Robinsons

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

ROLL THE TANkS RENDERED uSELESS & BuRN THE STAgE

21 AND OVER SHOW!

THu Aug

A RoCKTACulAR evenT FeATuRIng lIquId lIgHTS

& 1939 ENSEMBLE

7:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

HONkY TONk uNiON & MiCHAEL DEAN DAMRON

SAT Aug

7:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

21 AND OVER SHOW!

fRi Aug

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

R O S E L A N D T H E A T E R

TuE Aug

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

THE fACELESS pERipHERY VEiL Of MAYA JOB fOR A COWBOY

THu Aug

2:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

gOATWHORE ExHuMED CEREBRAL BORE & SiSYpHEAN CONSCiENCE

3 sEts: HELLBILLy, AttEntIon dEfIcIt domInAtIon & 3 BAr rAncH Kuntry / HELLBILLy / doom fILm: trIBuLAtIon 99 no opEnInG BAnd!! BE on tImE!! THe mASTeRmInd beHInd SySTem oF A down

ASTEROiD M & WizARD ATTACk

WiTCHBuRN

TuE Aug

THu Aug

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

FISHBONE

SuN SEp

THE SENTiMENTS

THE LONgSHOTS & THE SiNDiCATE

21 AND OVER SHOW!

ABOVE THE BROkEN

SAT SEpT

7:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

TuE SEpT

WHEN THEY iNVADE

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

NEMESiS SEpARATiON Of SANiTY & guiLLOTiNE

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

POWERMAN 5000 TOxiC zOMBiE

AMERAkiN OVERDOSE STONECREEp & DEATH RiDE 2000

WED SEp

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

THE BROWNiNg

& DAVEY SuiCiDE

MON SEp

6:30pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

MOONSORROW

SuN SEp

1 5 0 7 S e 3 9 T H A v e n u e

MELODY’S ECHO CHAMBER fRi SEp

on sALE

855-CAS-TIXX X2

7:00pm doors 21 And ovEr

fRi

10:00Am

SAT OCT

fIrst sHoW

SOLD OuT sEcond sHoW

SWALLOW THE SuN SuN SEpT

THu OCT

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

855-CAS-TIXX X2

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

on sALE

fRi

10:00Am 855-CAS-TIXX X2

on sALE

& DAugHN giBSON

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

855-CAS-TIXX X2

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

W O N D E R B A L L R O O M

on sALE

fRi

10:00Am

BAYSiDE

& MAN OVERBOARD

877.4.Fly.TIX

smodcAst LIvE: fEAturInG KEvIn smItH & scott mosIEr · BIson BIson · tHE trEAtmEnt · KooL Ad of dAs rAcIst · fun. · my cHILdrEn my BrIdE · rEHAB my mornInG JAcKEt · my LIfE WItH tHE tHrILL KILL KuLt · AnImAL coLLEctIvE · otEp · tomorroW’s BAd sEEds · fAstEr pussycAt · odd futurE · LocAL H sAfEtysuIt · WILLIAm ELLIott WHItmorE · nIGHtWIsH · Hot WAtEr musIc · morBId AnGEL · cIrcA survIvE · drI · sWItcHfoot · BrotHEr ALI · ALEsAnA

2 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

TuE SEp

7:30pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

128 ne RuSSell ST

855-CAS-TIXX X2

1332 w buRnSIde ST

COMiNg SOON:

fRi Aug

& zEALE

503-224-TIXX

THe Ten yeAR AnnIveRSARy TouR

TuE SEp

8 nw SIXTH Avenue

fRi OCT

fRi

iMAgiNE DRAgONS

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

PeRFoRmIng THeIR FIRST Album Tell All youR FRIendS In ITS enTIReTy

10:00Am

AddEd!

& WEHRMACHT

6:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

855-CAS-TIXX X2

C R Y S T A L B A L L R O O M

on sALE

fRi

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

6:30pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

THE DOWNTOWN fiCTiON HiT THE LigHTS

10:00Am

THu SEpT

THE SuMMER SET

6:30pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

7:00pm doors ALL AGEs BAr W/propEr Id

fRi NOV

21 AND OVER SHOW!

SAT SEpT

TYR · METSATOLL & ANONYMiA

877.4.Fly.TIX

go to

www.MIKEthrashErprEsEnts.coM for complete details and info on how to get your tickets early

NOTES

lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

SUZETTE SMITH

LADY? GET A CLUE. VIA VOICEMAIL: “Hello, my name’s Georgine, and I’m fairly new to town. All in all, I think the Mercury’s great... your coverage of things is very lively. But I’m having trouble with the little music write-ups? The person who writes them keeps saying, ‘Anyone who knows anything feels this way,’ or ‘If you don't know this, you need to get a clue,’ and maybe that’s fun among people who know each other well, but I find it very offensive! Obviously not everyone in the world is going to like things the same way, and it makes me feel like you’re not giving me a clue of anything worth considering about this band. Everything is just, ‘the best, the best, THE BEST’ and I know you know what I’m talking about, so good luck and goodbye!”

private and people were sharing them out of goodness, not to be trashed. I saw people leave their diapers on rocks in the middle of the river. Posted by roseofportland FEMALE PRISON PEN PALS: LAST CHANCE! RE: Our summer Female Prison Pen Pals series comes to a close at long last with this final group missive, the last one in our stack. All these inmates can be reached at 15 N 2nd E, Rexburg, ID 83440. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—We would like our ads added into your newsletter. 1) Single, locked up, and sexy. My name is Gloria Hernandez. I’m a 34-year-old Latina, 5’3’, 125 lbs, long black hair. 2) Single 25-year-old looking for a pen pal. My name is Tarah Gilliland, I’m locked up, 5’1”, red auburn hair, hazel eyes. You can look me up on Facebook. 3) Single, 23 years old, Asian, 5’8”, 132 lbs, long black hair, brown eyes. 4) Locked up and lonely! My name is Samantha Lynch, I’m African American. 5) My name is Denise Hilton, I’m 5’2”, brown hair, blue eyes. Looking for a mature man to write me. FEMALE PRISON PEN PALS: THE CONTROVERSY! RE: Letters [Aug 2], where commenter BokChoy has been posting the convictions, release dates, and other publicly available information about the ladies in our summer series, Female Prison Pen Pals.

WHO’S THREATENING WHOM? RE: “Fear of A Black Bloc Planet” [News, Bokchoy, give it a rest, will ya? No one Aug 2], regarding the Joint Terrorism Task cares. You’re starting to look crazy. Force’s recent raids on homes of Portland Posted by DamosA anarchist activists. To me personally, the FBI seems to act like the real terrorists: They try to instill fear in people that are unhappy with the current establishment. Check your home for bugs if you ever get raided by the FBI/ JTTF. Fucking fascists! Posted by chicostix DOUBLE TAKE RE: “Future Shock” [Film, Aug 2], reviewing the new Total Recall movie. I thought the world was well fleshed out, and the story was explained clearly. Am I the only one who thinks those two main actresses [Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel, who don’t really look that much alike] look exactly alike? Posted by ROM THE DUMPS RE: “Start Packing,” [I, Anonymous, Aug 2], in which an anonymous author complains about people leaving garbage in nature.

Actually, BokChoy is doing a service alerting readers (and potential future victims) to the records of these incarcerated would-be pen pals. And the Portland Mercury is doing a disservice (and one with potentially serious, even fatal consequences) by treating as a continuing joke linking felons with unsuspecting suckers. Posted by MikeWB

HOTEL & BALLROOM

CRYSTAL BALLROOM

80s VIDEO DANCE ATTACK

STUKASOVERPDX nailed it: People who are in prison are almost always criminals. Please pen pal responsibly, always wear a condom, never drink and drive, and wipe front to back, okay? Okay. Stukas wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater. COVER ART:

James Jirat Patradoon jiratpatradoon.com

115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Portland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • info@portlandmercury.com

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Wm. Steven Humphrey

INTERNS Nathan Gilles, Zibby Pillote, Nate Miller

MANAGING EDITOR Marjorie Skinner

DIRECTOR OF CIRCULATION Jay Williams

NEWS Denis C. Theriault, Sarah Mirk

SALES DIRECTOR Rob Thompson

SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann

SALES COORDINATOR Tonya Ray

ARTS/WEB EDITOR Alison Hallett FOOD Chris Onstad

DIGITAL SALES MANAGER James Deeley

COPY CHIEF Courtney Ferguson CALENDAR Bobby Roberts

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Sarah Elliott, Katie Peifer, Marissa Sullivan

PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Davis

ALTPERKS OPERATIONS MANAGER Michelle David

SENIOR DESIGNER Nick Olmstead

OFFICE MANAGER Noah Dunham

AD DESIGNER Nami Bigos

GENERAL MANAGER Katie Lake

ART DIRECTOR Justin “Scrappers” Morrison

PUBLISHER Rob Crocker

sat aug 11 $6 • 9 p.m. • 21 & over • lola’s room

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 8 PM $6 21+OVER

WITH VJ KITTYROX

CRYSTAL BALLROOM

Felix Cartal Matzerath Bais Haus curated by Dim Mak Records

mon aug 13 18 & over

K Records presents a Believer Magazine Event

wed aug 15 21 & over lola's room

wed aug 22 all ages 7 p.m. show $8 adv $10 day of

“LoVe SongS for LamPS” Calvin Johnson

Positive Vibrations w/ Dos Sorella

Broken Water · Happy Noose And many more!

hot august night 40th anniversary

Conor Oberst’s 2001 rock project reunites for a limited US run…

With

DesapareciDos Virgin islands

sat aug 25 21 & over The ultimate Neil Diamond tribute band!

sun aug 26 all ages Chilean rapper

Parson Red Heads

The

OMFG! You mean people in prison are there because they were convicted of a crime? Weird. My pen pal told me she was there as part of an AmWay job training program. Posted by stukasoverpdx

We lost half the spots I had access to growing up on the Washougal because of asshats like that. Why? Because most of them were portlandmercury.com

CRYSTAL

THE

wed aug 29 all ages

Ana Tijoux Tope sun sept 2 21 & over lola's room

Remember! Tickets are available for online purchase up to one hour after show time. Buy from your mobile and pick up at will call! couvapalooza-lola's 8/24 husky 8/27 the royal concept 8/28 atlas genius 8/30 superfest 4 yeasayer 9/5-6 MfnW: passion pit 9/7 MfnW: the helio sequence 9/8 MfnW: the tallest Man on earth 9/13 hot chip 9/14 buckethead 9/20 aniMal collective 9/22 Matisyahu 9/30 citizen cope 10/2 nightWish 10/3 shpongle 10/4 glen hansard 10/5 calobo 10/10 gossip 10/11 MackleMore 10/16 joshua radin & a fine frenzy 10/18 sWitchfoot 10/21 tWo door cineMa club 10/23 Wolfgang gartner 10/28 all-aMerican rejects 10/30 toadies 11/1 orquesta aragon

8/17 8/31

danceonair.com

AL’S DEn at CRYSTAL

HOTEL

DJ’S

FREE LIVE MUSIC nIghtLy · 8 PM 8/9-11

8/12-18

The eD forMan MIKe Show Brown 8/10 DJ Miss Martini · 8/11 DJ Lord Smithingham

Ballroom: 1332 W. Burnside · (503) 225-0047 · Hotel: 303 S.W. 12th Ave · (503) 972-2670 mcmenamins.com

CASCADE TICKETS

cascadetickets.com 1-855-CAS-TIXX outlets: crystal ballrooM box office, bagdad theater, edgefield, east 19th st. café (eugene)

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 3

Discover Goddard FREE INFO SESSIONS » August

14 in Everett, WA » August 15 in Seattle, WA » August 16 in Olympia, WA

For locations and times visit: www.goddard.edu/info

New This Fall Low-residency bachelor’s degrees. » BA in Sustainability » BA in Health Arts and Sciences » BA in Individualized Studies

Scholarships available!

» Study at home in a community that will

shape your learning.

» Connect with students, faculty

and staff during an 8 day residency.

» Design your degree with individualized

guidance from faculty advisors.

PLAINFIELD, VERMONT | PORT TOWNSEND & SEATTLE, WA

More info at 800.906.8312 or www.goddard.edu

FREE LASIK EYE EXAM

CALL 877·78·JOFFE OR VISIT WWW.JOFFE.COM

P EST RIC

495 LASIK

Act by Aug 31

R ANT

The Joffe Difference Excellent LASIK Care & Affordability, because you deserve both.

See for yourself why Joffe is the Smart Choice for LASIK

CALL 877·78·JOFFE OR VISIT WWW.JOFFE.COM to schedule your Free LASIK Eye Exam Offer ends August 31st, 2012. Some restrictions apply. See center for details.

Dr. Howard Straub Medical Director

OVER 20,000 PROCEDURES PERSONALLY PERFORMED

Custom technology to treat nearsightedness, farsightedness,and astigmatism.

4 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Personalized follow-up care and free enhancements, because we care.

Affordable LASIK means life changing results without spending your life savings

Flexible financing plans and Best Price Guarantee to make LASIK more affordable than ever.

Joffe Portland | 16037 SW Upper Boones Ferry Rd. Tigard, OR 97224

ONE DAY AT A TIME

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Portland Street People Theater Presents…

THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

KRISTIAN DONALDSON

MONDAY, JULY 30

If we ever decide to leave our Hubby Kip—at which point he’ll probably be killed in an avalanche of discarded Cheetos bags and videogame cartridges—we hope we do it the way Twilight star Robert Pattinson dumped lip biter/home wrecker Kristen Stewart: with cruel, but hilarious verve. As you undoubtedly remember, KStew was stone cold busted tongue wrestling (and perhaps oral sexing) her Snow White and the Huntsman director/icky Limey Rupert Sanders. After issuing a deliciously humiliating public apolog y, K r i st en wa s u nceremon iLOVIN’ IT ously booted from Robert’s mansion—but for some reason neglected to take her car. No worries! According to the Superficial gossip site, Rob had her car towed out of his driveway and parked across the street from a McDonald’s. Yessssssssss. We are indeed “lovin’ it.” MEANWHILE… While Kristen bites her lip and pines away— we don’t care where, because she’s a lip-biting tramp—wherefore art the jilted Robert Pattinson? According to Us Weekly, Rob is hiding out at Reese Witherspoon’s vacation house! Upon hearing of his woes, Rob’s Water for Elephants co-star offered him a private getaway at her sprawling Ojai, California, ranch that sits on seven acres and sports a barn, a swimming pool, and a guest house originally built for Reese’s chin. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) MEANWHILE… Across the ocean, England’s Telegraph is reporting that Liberty Ross—the spurned wifey of Kristen Stewart-licking director Rupert Sanders—has already forgiven her hubby for his “momentary indiscretion.” (Aren’t Brits the BEST?!) Rupert’s father, 76-year-old Michael Sanders, pish-toshed the infidelity in a wonderfully British way: “This girl’s a pretty young thing and if you’ve been gadding around for five months, or what have you, you’re bound to get a bit friendly.” GADDING ABOUT? Ohhhh, that’s the best term ever for oral sex. (“Tuppence for the birds” = Rim jobs.)

TUESDAY, JULY 31

In case you haven’t heard, Lindsay Lohan is desperately trying to rehab her life and career—and her latest move involves a new role in the Paul Schrader fl ick The Canyons, costarring porn star James Deen. However, it sounds like LiLo is doing some acting behind the scenes as well, because according to TMZ, Linds was “EXTREMELY hesitant” to shoot a topless sex scene— even though she happily went boob-loose in Robert Rodriguez’ Machete, as well as her recent and terrible Playboy spread. Luckily for all, Lindsay eventually agreed to once again set her twins free… after the crew agreed to also strip down to their underpants. (We bet that exact scenario happens all the time at your office, right?) MEANWHILE… In Snoop Dogg news: Snoop Dogg is no longer called “Snoop Dogg.” According to the New York Times, Snoop recently underwent a “spiritual rebirth” while in Jamaica— you see where this story is going? Anyway, long gossip short, Snoop has converted to Rastafari, and has been renamed “Snoop Lion” by Rastafarian priests. So call him “Snoop Lion” now. (Laugh if you want, but this is still

THIS WEEK ON

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

by Dougie Mulbane

100 percent less ridiculous than anything involving Scientology.)

ure, it’s a “Portland institution” or whatever… but aren’t you and your brats sick of the crowds and heat at Trek in the Park? Who wants to see a bunch of asthmatic four-eyed nerds reenacting episodes from Star Wars? You want something new! You want… Shrek in the Park! It’s like Trek in the Park, but instead of Captain Spock it’s got a green monster that farts. KIDS LOVE FARTS! Plus the farting monster rides a donkey, has adventures, and if he’s lucky, scores some poon. Otherwise, it’s just like Trek in the Park. Except it ain’t in a park. It’s in that nice, cool, dark alley by SW 4th and Ash. Don’t worry, though! Everything is perfectly safe.* We gonna sweep up

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1

In continually distressing news, hottie Mila Kunis and creepy, still-not-divorced Ashton Kutcher have tiptoed off to a “Bali love nest,” says the New York Post—a five-star Indonesian resort which features romantic four-post beds, sunken indoor bathtubs, and “ultra-private pools” where the two are most certainly “gadding about.” (In other words, dump in some extra chlorine.) MEANWHILE… Scandal at the Olympics! Eight Chinese badminton players were expelled today after it was discovered they just weren’t trying very hard. The champion shuttlecock bashers were apparently throwing matches to get “a more favorable draw going forward” according to the Los Angeles Times. The players allegedly dumped serves, and refused to put forth much effort, infuriating the crowd as well as top-ranked badminton player Hans-Kristian Vittinghus of Denmark, who dramatically twattered the following: “Hard to see the sport I love like this! What a disgrace! Disastrous day for badminton.” (One Day at a Time Factoid: Yes, badminton is actually a sport, and people other than children actually play it.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2

New couple alert! After gadding about, marrying, and then divorcing Limey non-comedian Russell Brand, jiggling pop star Katy Perry has been spotted gadding about with musician / know n gadabout John Mayer. The pair were spotted on a romantic dinner date at the posh Chateau Marmont where, a c c or d ing to Us Weekly, John and Katy were “ holding hands across the table, sneaking LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE kisses, and laughing.” Now for those with short memories, John Mayer is best known for unceremoniously dropping and shit-talking Jennifer Aniston, dilly-dallying and dumping country singer Taylor Swift, and in his famous Playboy interview, comparing gal pal Jessica Simpson to “sexual napalm.” So in other words… still a big leap up from Russell Brand. Good luck, you crazy kids! You have our blessings.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3

“Fresh off Tom Cruise’s split from Katie Holmes, the actor took his daughter, Suri, 6, to the Magic Kingdom,” reports People. “Suri looked like she was in heaven,” elderly Tampa resident Marianne Cohen happily gushed. “She was walking around like she owned the place, having the time of her life.” “That’s because she does own the place!” Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII bellowed when informed of Tom and Suri’s vacay. “Marianne Cohen of Tampa! I decree that when the Great Thetan Schism of 2016 splits your meager planet asunder, your screams of geriatric anguish will echo to the Baxtilian Quadrant! Queen Suri shall drink your tears, vomit upon your soul, and… and.... Oh. I’m sorry, Marianne. I got a little carried away. I’m just feeling… I don’t know. Left out, I guess? Was this like a ‘Daddy Daughter Day’ or something? Because Tom knows I’ve always wanted to ride Space

the needles real good so your brats can sit on the asphalt and cheer when the monster kicks his donkey and farts. We got us a good cast, too! Check out this shit: SHREK: We got Fat Pete playin’ Shrek ’cause he found that old can of green paint behind the True Value. He’s big, too! Murdered a guy once. PRINCESS FIONA: Jillian the Whore is out of rehab and ready to make her triumphant return to the stage. Previous credits include Ibsen’s Peer Gynt, the CHIERS drunk wagon, and the cover of Busted magazine. DONKEY: I dunno. We’re gonna find a goat or somethin’. Should be a real treat or whatever. Fuck it. And yep, refreshments will be provided—if you get my drift. If you don’t, I’m talkin’ Olde English and PCP. Still too hot for ya? Relax on Fat Pete’s urine soaked mattress—that is, when we’re not using it during sex scenes. Hey, I’ll even throw in a couple of needles—gratis. Them pansy Trek Jedis sure as fuck don’t do that. So we’ll see YOU at Shrek in the Park—a play or whatever about a goat, a whore, and a fartin’ green monster. (Oh, bring cash. You’ll need plenty of cash.) Shrek in the Park, Sat-Sun 11:30 pm, through August 25, that alley by SW 4th and Ash, FREE *Note: Shrek in the Park uses strobe lights, fog machines, and actual guns, and includes scenes depicting drug use, graphic violence, and extreme sexual content. On August 18, the role of “Donkey” will be played by a threelegged syphilitic dog.

Mountain.” MEANWHILE… The Olympics continued to meander on, interesting absolutely no one… except Samuel L. Jackson, who’s been bombarding the world with thousands of giddy, rabidly patriotic tweets! A sampling: “DREAM REALISED!!!!! US Gymnastic GOLD!! Strong performances! Pressure makes DIAMONDS!!! Go USA!” “Heeeeeere We Goooooo! Women’s Gymnastics! I BELIEVE!!!! Go USA!!!” “BUTTAFUQQINFLY WORLD RECORD!!!! Dayummmm! Go USA!” He also saw fit to comment on other nations’ competitors: “Okay, that was Drunk Lady Staggering Flip dismount! Made famous by many girls missing the top step in da club!” “Can’t imagine what kinda Fuckin’ up musta been goin’ on for Russia to win Silver! Gotta be Ass Busting’ worthy of our amusement!!” Let it hereby be known: Should we unexpectedly perish in USA! USA! USA! a Manolo Blahnik incident, please have Samuel L. Jackson take over as the writer of One Day at a Time. We trust him, and only him, with our legacy.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 4

Things are touch slow today so let’s check in on… oh. Oh god. Kristen Stewart is not doing well, dears. “Kristen is acting like a heartbroken teenager,” a source tells RadarOnline. “She is crying her eyes out nonstop and does not want to communicate with anyone.” “The devastated star is said to be so upset that she has not showered in several days and is gorging on ice cream,” adds the Daily Mail. Kris-

ten, honey, we’ve been there. But take it from someone who knows: Nonstop sobbing and gallons of Cherry Garcia usually aren’t the best ways to get your man back.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5

Three weeks after 12 died and 58 were injured in a mass shooting in Aurora, Colorado, 40-year-old Army veteran and white supremacist Wade M. Page entered the Sikh Temple of Wisconsin in the quiet Milwaukee suburb of Oak Creek. Using a legally purchased 9mm handgun, he shot and killed five men, aged 39 to 84, and a 41-year-old woman, all of whom were preparing for religious services. Wade then injured three more, including the first officer at the scene, whom Page shot “eight to nine times,” according to Oak Creek Police Chief John Edwards. “All of us recognize that these kinds of terrible, tragic events are happening with too much regularity for us not to do some soul searching,” President Barack Obama said. Then, as is the custom of every American elected official, he proceeded to do absolutely nothing to prevent any more of these terrible, tragic events. MEANWHILE… If the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin are horrific reminders of the things we’re capable of, today NASA gave us a glimpse of… well, the other things we’re capable of. Despite a meager budget and an increasingly ambivalent public, NASA landed a car-sized, plutonium-powered rover on Mars— a stunningly ambitious and complex maneuver that involved 350 million miles of space travel, a pinpoint landing in Mars’ Gale Crater, and a hovering, jet-powered “sky crane” that used cables to lower the one-ton rover Curiosity to the planet. Within minutes, Curiosity had sent back its first picture. “Today, the wheels of Curiosity have begun to blaze the trail for human footprints on Mars,” NASA Administrator Charles Bolden promised. Here’s hoping that by the time that happens, we’ve got shit figured out on Earth.

WIN TIX TO POLIÇA! HALF OFF YUMMY STEAKS AT ENTER THE HUMP! DIRTY FILM FEST! END HITS THURSDAY! STARKY’S MERCPERKS.COM PORTLANDMERCURY.COM/HUMP Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 5

doubletee.com / roselandpdx.com

STG PreSenTS

IN CONCERT Screaming Females

Sinferno featuring

Kyle turley Band

Michael dean daMron

sundAY nite!

free entry to Sinferno w/StuB

auguSt 12th • dante’S • 8pm • 21+

GLORY HAND • MuRDeR Of CROws auguSt 20th • roSeland • 8pm • 21+

September 27th • 8pm roSeland • 21+

New album “Not Your Kind Of People” Available Now • garbage.com

Alt-J FRi Sept 14 • ROSeLAND 9pM • ALL AgeS

AvAilABle NoW

September 16th • roSeland • 8pm • all ageS

STEPHEN MARLEY

grouplovemusic.com

SepteMBeR 25th • 8pM • ROSeLAND • ALL AgeS on sALe FridAY!

on sALe FridAY!

With

all shall perish • deez nuts

and special guests hatebreed.com • whitechapelband.com • allshallperish.com

Sept 26th • WONDeR BALLROOM • 7:30pM • ALL AgeS

auguSt • roSeland • 8pm• all • 21+ageS oCt 2nd20th • roSeland • 8pm on sale now! outdoors in eugene!

Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue outdoors in eugene!

double tee, KeSey & Showbox preSent:

OutdOOrs in eugene!

EMANCIPATOR miChaelfranti.Com

auguSt 23rd • 6:30pm • all ageS Cuthbert amphitheater 6 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

oCt 30th • roSeland • 8pm • all ageS

PAUL BASIC

Sept 13th • CuthBeRt AMphitheAteR • 6pM • ALL AgeS ALL pRetty LightS MuSiC AvAiLABLe FOR FRee DOWNLOAD • pRettyLightS.COM

traVis pOrter • Yg

Sept 25th • CuthBeRt AMphitheAteR • 7pM • ALL AgeS

ADvANCe tiCketS thROugh ALL tiCketSWeSt LOCAtiONS, SAFeWAy, MuSiC MiLLeNNiuM. tO ChARge By phONe pLeASe CALL 503.224.8499

NEWS

Block Buster

The “Rich Block” Aims to Make Old Town More Like the Pearl by Joe Streckert THE CORNER of SW 2nd and Couch buzzes with the sound of saws and hammers. The Rich Block building has stood on the corner for over 100 years—now developers are transforming the historic space into housing units they hope will attract the kind of renter more familiar to the Pearl District than Old Town. The challenge Old Town faces with new development like the Rich Block is whether the neighborhood can develop without excluding low-income people who currently live there. Northwest Portland has been in the process of gentrifying for decades, but Old Town has seen less of a makeover than the Pearl or Nob Hill. The Rich Block could change that. Originally built as a railroad hotel in the early 1900s, the Block was previously occupied by homeless services nonprofit Central City Concern and, last year, the building’s empty storefronts were used as a set for fantasy-cop show Grimm (they painted the windows to depict fake shops such as “Mom Jeans”). These days, the low-income blocks around the building are hedged in by the increasingly chic downtown and Pearl. Over a quarter of the 4,400 housing units in the area north of Burnside and east of 12th Avenue are either public housing (like Section 8 and publicly run single residency occupancy hotels) or low-income housing. By the end of summer, though, the Rich Block will change the vibe of the immediate area. In September, the 34-unit Modern Rich Apartments will open above new, real-life retail space. The units will be small (200 to 350 square feet) and marketed to young professionals, with 25 percent

MERCURY STAFF

“We think Old Town has enough very low-income housing. We’re interested in helping move Old Town to more of a mixed income situation.” —Julie Garver, Developer at market-rate prices and 75 percent reserved for people making 60 percent or less of median income (which is about $50,400 for a single person). Even with construction unfinished, several of the units have already been rented. “We think Old Town has enough very low-income housing. We’re interested in helping move Old Town to more of a mixed

income situation,” says Julie Garver, housing development director for block developer Innovative Housing. “We’re going for a chicer, younger demographic; a young, downtown worker who really enjoys the energy of Old Town and the club scene and everything it offers.” Garver radiates optimism about the project.

Bridging the Gap

Why Has Replacing the Sellwood Bridge Taken So Damn Long? by Alex Zielinski ON JULY 19, the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners approved the much-anticipated design of the new Sellwood Bridge — closing the books on six years of planning. While the replacement comes as a relief for both commuters and local officials tired of holding their breath as they drive over the infamously dangerous 87-year-old bridge (known for its “two points out of one hundred possible points” safety rating), many are irked that a solution wasn’t found until now. Sure, the county only spotted major cracks in the bridge’s foundation in 2005, but planners say the county knew it was due for an overhaul years before. So the question remains: Why has it taken so long for the county to replace a bridge that’s been on its last legs for over a decade? Like most of the region’s massive transit projects, a lot of it comes down to finances. When Multnomah County Commissioner Deborah Kafoury took the reins of the bridge project in 2009, the county only had $11 million in federal funds to work with, and plans for a bridge slated to cost $330 million. “There were a lot of good intentions,

NEWS

but just not enough fuel,” says Kafoury. Over the past three years, Kafoury has been behind the scramble to apply for federal grants and regional funds—a process riddled with slow-moving bureaucratic hoops to jump through—that brought the project to this point. But a big part of the problem, says local bridge historian and author Sharon Wortman, is that the county shouldn’t be in charge of the Willamette River bridges at all. “What it comes down to is that these bridges are owned by the wrong agency,” says Wortman. “It shouldn’t be only the county’s responsibility. It’s like the county is a parent with sole custody of the bridge and no one else is making their support payments.” The set-up leads to complicated agreements like Portland and Multnomah County’s long-debated Sellwood Bridge deal, where multiple governments have to negotiate because while the county is responsible for the bridge span itself, the city maintains the roads that lead directly onto it. In an ideal situation, Wortman says, Portland would have a organization similar to San Francisco’s Golden Gate Transpor-

NEWS

NATE MILLER

tation District, a transit authority independent of the local governments and solely committed to the bridge issues. In 2010, the mayor’s office attempted to take over control of the Willamette Bridges from the county. However, County Chair Jeff Cogen put a halt to this move in a terse letter to the mayor, publicly blaming him for dragging the pricey process out. Having multiple governments involved in planning the bridge has some neighbors feeling like the public input process is disjointed. “There are too many fingers in the pie:

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

“This is definitely going to be an area to watch,” she said, “with OCOM [the Oregon College of Oriental Medicine] moving in down the street and businesses transitioning… you’re going to get a sort of energy that you wouldn’t find in the Lloyd District or the Pearl. I think it’s going to be filled with creative people looking for a good value.” The new development will contrast greatly with its neighbors. While the area has a strip of pricey nightclubs that attract those young professionals and bachelorettes, census data shows that over 26 percent of the neighborhood’s population lives in poverty. “Vacancies are very low right now,” said Shelley Marchesi, director of public affairs for Home Forward, which manages Portland’s public housing. The trend of turning Old Town into a place that’s more like the rest of downtown is part of local developers’ larger vision for the area. In a 2007 interview with the Daily Journal of Commerce, Anne Naito-Cambell of the Bill Naito Company summed up the sentiment: “It’s a great opportunity for growth, this is the last area really in downtown that is aching for development.” “It’s bittersweet,” says Israel Bayer, the executive director of homeless-focused newspaper Street Roots. “I think that there’s no question that we’re the last bastion of the downtown core of people who are low income and experiencing poverty. With the development of the Pearl, people experiencing homelessness are squeezed more and more, and don’t have places to be, to exist.” Nevertheless, Bayer is hopeful that Old Town can rise to the occasion of becoming a genuinely mixed-income area. “There could be a time where different groups are priced out of the neighborhood—but I think overall, there’s a feeling that this neighborhood’s dedicated, regardless of what happens economically, to being a place where we can serve people experiencing poverty.” County, city, Metro, state, neighborhood associations. We’re lacking in collaboration,” says former Sellwood-Moreland Improvement League board member Dana Beck. Granted, neighbors had a say in the design of the bridge, but Beck says the decisions ultimately lay in the city and county’s hands. “They never see what we as a community want, only what they think is best,” says Beck, using Sam Adam’s recent push for a Sellwood streetcar—an idea many neighbors were against — as an example. On the other hand, county officials say the time between the appearance of the threatening crack and the end design— seven years—isn’t that long for a project of this size. “It’s pretty typical, really,” says county spokesperson Mike Pullen, who’s been involved with the project since the start. “It’s an important process that takes serious planning… not a quick fix but a longterm solution.” But would the county have done anything if the threatening cracks hadn't popped up seven years ago? It’s hard to say. In 2005, a contractor who evaluated the longevity of the current bridge estimated it wouldn’t give out until after 2015. “It probably could have limped along as a disliked bridge for some time,” says Pullen. August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 7

Why Don’t Portlanders Go To Church? PORTLAND’S ALTERNATIVE OUTDOOR STORE

store hours: m-f 10-7, sat 10-6, sun 11-5 • 503-233-0706 • nextadventure.net

MIDSUMMER SALE! SAVE 20% OFF

2012 APPAREL, BACKPACKS, TENTS, AND SLEEPING BAGS FROM (limited to stock on hand):

DISC GOLF PACKAGE Buy 3 or more discs and

SAVE 10 - 15% OFF LEDGE TENTS Choose from the

2-PERSON FIBERGLASS POLE TARANTULA $59.99 or

THE ALUMINUM POLE VERSION $99.99 3-PERSON ALUMINUM POLE RECLUSE ONLY $119.99

GET YOUR BLEACHER SEATS HERE! ONLY $19.99

PADDLE SPORTS CENTER 704 SE Washington St.

EMOTION GLIDE PACKAGE

Package includes kayak, PFD, and paddle for one low price.

$399 8 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

OREGON IS RIGHT AT THE TOP of the least religious states in the country— about 25 percent of people here don’t identify with any specific religion. That statistic motivated 31-year-old Lewis & Clark Religious Studies associate professor and author of the forthcoming book Religion and Hip Hop, Monica Miller, to hit the streets with a clipboard and survey Portlanders about how they experience religion and spirituality. Having interviewed 300 people under 30 so far in bars, parks, and coffee shops, Miller and her team have found that while young people don’t go to church often, many see a humanistic spirituality as part of their daily lives and politics. SARAH MIRK MERCURY: Why should I care about whether or not young people go to church? MONICA MILLER: That’s exactly the question: Do we need to be concerned with church decline? If religion or spirituality or meaning-making are being practiced outside of the “proper” places for these behaviors to take place, that’s irrelevant. It was never just happening in institutions. People in the Northwest have been painted as being spiritual but not religious, but really a lot of young people are saying they don’t even consider themselves spiritual. For them, meaning happens where social, culture, and political issues lie. They’re very focused on the importance of community. Art. Music. People saying, “I believe in feeding the hungry, I believe in sharing.” That takes the place of what we would consider religion. The minute you approach young people with a survey about religion, they’re immediately turned off, because that grammar doesn’t hold meaning for them. Researchers will ask young people, “Do you believe in God?” but they won’t ask young people, “What is your idea of God?” So young people here are not so much “religious,” but they find meaning in things that happen outside the institutions of religion.

In Other News

RANDOM PICK OF THE WEEK

DEAL OF THE WEEK!

NEWS Q&A with a Sociologist Who’s Digging Into Portland’s Apathy by Sarah Mirk

MATHEW DIGGES

Yes, for them, it’s not place based. It doesn’t only happen at concerts or in churches. It’s part of their everyday world. Like when I interview people at Powell’s, and they’ll say reading is spiritual, they find this place of meditation through reading, but they won’t say Powell’s is a spiritual place. Why do you think there are so few traditionally religious people in Portland and Oregon? I feel like the progressive openness we have about cultural issues here in Portland lends itself to critical thinking. In Portland, you can walk around with horns on your head or pink hair, people aren’t going to look at you twice. On the East Coast, we have higher levels of diversity, but also higher levels of conformity. We also have places with high levels of violence and income inequality and wherever you find those two variables, you find higher levels of religion. Portland has low rates of both. I’ve done this work in Chicago, Philadelphia, and New York, and I think it’s also important to note the racial and ethnic distinction— because with black youth, you get a totally different picture. Black youth, even with that sharp decline in religious identity, still participate in religious institutions at high rates. I realize that if I were doing this survey with a group that didn’t have a majority of white youth, it would look very different.

by Mercury staff

A anti-foreclosure protest on Sunday, August 5, wound up with police arresting one protester on charges of burglary and trespass. Members of Occupy-spinoff group Portland Liberation Organizing Council (PLOC) spent Sunday attempting to “liberate” an empty duplex in Northeast Portland and turn it into a community center. The duplex was recently built on a lot formerly owned by Alicia Jackson, who lost the property and her home to the bank in August last year. On May Day this year, PLOC and Occupy helped Jackson move back into her foreclosed house, and on Sunday held a block party to celebrate her three-month occupation. During the party, 24-year-old Derek Zika and others entered the new duplex. Responding to reports of a “burglary” by the duplex’s owner, at 11:30 pm, Portland

NEWS

police entered the building and found a lone squatter, Zika, who they then hauled off. NATHAN GILLES * * * How much do Portlanders love the library? Enough to pony up the price of two hardcovers for a new property tax district? The Multnomah County board voted unanimously last week to send the plan for a library district to the ballot this fall. The idea calls for a new tax that works out to an average $50 annual increase for homeowners and would allow the library to keep all of its branches open seven days a week. The Multnomah County Library system is the second-busiest library system in the country, serving 35,000 people a day—but due to slim budgets, it moved earlier this year to close all branches on Mondays. SARAH MIRK

In my wallet is a tattered Fat Tire label which I’ve had for 11 years. Ever since my first one, I immediately fell in love with this refreshing ale and the company’s ecoconscience ways. Amongst friends, this label has led to many discussions such as,

“ Is it possible to jump a recycling bin on a banana seat bike?” (Yes, but next time don’t pedal so fast!) Thanks Fat Tire for making recycling and biking so much fun. Frances M. of South Carolina

A lot of people have discovered the tasty joy bottled and canned in Fat Tire Amber Ale. Join them on newbelgium.com and enjoy the ride!

fat tire amber ale is brewed by new belgium brewing fort collins co

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 9

10 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

S E L A T ! r E o U r TR et Ter

M i r T ra T c i l Pub

age the p Turn e what

to se hide ors horr de! insi

NO TICKET!

t’s January 31, and I want to go to the zoo. The bus pulls up to the stop and I flash the February monthly pass I just bought. The bus driver explains to me that it’s January. I go home and get 40 cents and return to the bus stop. The bus is 20 minutes late. I take an empty seat in the back. Two stops later, a filthy, boisterous man boards. He chooses the seat next to me. He smells like cigarettes, booze, and urine. He’s in the mood for conversation. He begins to tell me a story about his old landlord, the government, maybe the CIA. It’s not very cohesive. Spittle is raining down on me, and the other people on the bus think that we are friends. The MAX station is a few stops away so I bid my new acquaintance adieu and get on the train. The MAX stops on the middle of the Steel Bridge and I re-

he W t ep

Ex ! t a re

G s I n o

tat r o p ns

UBLIC TRANSPORTATION is fantastic. It’s good for the environment, it’s good for Portland’s infrastructure, and, in these economically catastrophic times, it saves us money on gas, parking, and insurance. There are countless other benefits—fewer shitfaced drivers speeding home from bars! The chance to read a book instead of gripping a steering wheel with inchoate rage! The fact that sometimes cute girls ride the bus! Like that one on the #14! Hi, girl on the #14!—so the last thing the Mercury would ever encourage is people riding TriMet any less. No. We should ride it more. HOWEVER.

alize I need to take a shit. Badly. Fifteen minutes, and nothing. People are becoming restless. My bowels are becoming restless. I am a grown man. I believe I can hold it until the zoo. Another 20 minutes pass and I am not so sure. I begin to pray. The train starts moving, thank god. I clench until the Washington Park station. As I’m about to disembark, a plainclothes TriMet officer stops me and asks for my ticket. I show him my February pass. “It’s January,” he explains as he writes me a ticket. There are no functioning bathrooms in sight. I get to the zoo and realize I left my debit card at home. I have no money on me. Defeated and humiliated, I walk to Washington Park and take a shame shit in the bushes. On the ride home I smell like poop and no one sits by me. Please run this story anonymously. —Anonymous

’t. n s I It

d by

Edite

Eenrriikksen

Sometimes public transportation can be—how shall we put this?—less than pleasant. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes it smells bad. Sometimes there are crazy people! Sometimes this one girl on the #14 is all, “Take a picture, freak, it’ll last longer,” and then your whole day is ruined. When we asked for entries in our first-ever “True Tales of TriMet Terror” contest, we were flooded with submissions from Portland’s brave commuters (and some commuters who aren’t very brave at all, and some commuters who are whiny little crybabies). Here are the finalists—including the very best one, which scored its writer $300. Hey, that’s enough to take a cab!

CLIP CLIP

ast week when I was riding home on the #19 from downtown to the Eastside, through the music playing on my headphones I heard the unmistakable noise of NAIL CLIPPERS. I turned in the direction of the noise, and to my horror I saw the lady right behind me CLIPPING HER NAILS. ON THE BUS. Usually, I have no problem asking people to cease and desist activities that are horribly inappropriate to do on the bus, but the culprit this time was an elderly Asian woman and I couldn’t muster up the courage to throw her anything more than a stink-eye. Her manicure lasted at least five minutes, and I probably still have bits of her nails in my hair. —Camille Continued on page 13

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 11

12 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Illustration by Joseph Harmon

#4 #1 Continued from page 11

THE ONES I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT A

few years ago, on the #8, I rode with the usual crowd of high school smartasses, older working stiffs, and the elderly, plus a cognitively disabled couple I see regularly. Today, though, they were masturbating one another. The office lady sitting by me was beside herself at the sight of come on the girlfriend’s hand, post-handjob. Then the guy started rubbing his big old butt into his girlfriend’s crotch in a most rhythmic and dirty way, and the office lady said to her friend, “I must be mistaken. I did not go to the theater and pay $7, and yet I am still witnessing these things.” I should have upbraided this fellow, or at least advised him that the bus is not the proper venue in which to spill one’s sweet jizzum all over the hand of one’s girlfriend, what with the inevitable collateral spillage on seat and floor. A few weeks later, the couple was once more sitting in the back of the bus. Again, the guy was sitting on the girl’s lap; at one point, she squirted some lotion from a bottle onto her fingers, then slid her hand down the back of his pants. It looked as though she was lubricating his ass crack and possibly his holy-O with her cooling ointment. Then he started rhythmically jiggling his ass back against her crotch. A woman with a little girl next to her said something to the couple, scooted away a bit, made eye contact with me, and we both laughed nervously. When the bus reached the Lloyd Center, the usual array of high school girls got on. One who sat across from me started laughing hysterically at the couple, declaring repeatedly to her friends, “That’s the ones I was telling you about! She puts her fingers up his ass! She puts her fingers up his ass, oh my god, oh my god,” falling off her seat from the sheer force of her laughter. —Swag

END OF THE LINE

s a non-driving baby boomer, I’ve been riding buses since ’62. There have been many memorable incidents: the 30-minute layover with the fat thug driver who told me women couldn’t be bus drivers since the bus would shake up their insides so they couldn’t have babies; being spit on, sworn at, and endlessly propositioned (I seem to be a “hot babe” to 75-year-old toothless transients); the suspected murderer molesting my rubber rain poncho.

The most awful thing, though, was getting on the #1 Greeley bus while commuting to work in the early ’90s. It was quiet in the mornings and there weren’t a lot of riders. When I got on, there was a largish, nice-looking man sitting in the very back—just an average guy, maybe on his way to an office job. I nodded hello and sat down a few rows in front of him. Within about five minutes, I saw the driver looking to the back of the bus. He pulled over, turned the bus off, and came back. When I turned around, the man was slumped over to the side. The driver tried to rouse him but couldn’t. The driver got us all off the bus and called for help. It was my understanding that the man had, very quietly, died, all alone. When I got to work, I was shaking, and tried to explain to a coworker how badly I felt. He said, “Oh, well, you know. Life, death, the circle of the universe.” I’ve thought about this many times. I’ve told my friends and family that whatever happens I don’t want to die on the bus—drag me off and throw my body in front of the MAX, please! In a just world, someone will read this and write in that this man really didn’t die. But in a really just world, I would have taken a sledgehammer and pummeled the crap out of my former coworker for being such a condescending, cold-blooded non-human. —Casey

NOT SO TOUGH

like to think of myself as a seasoned mass transit rider. I learned to ride the bus as a timid middle schooler on the mean streets of Tucson. I’ve ridden buses and trains on two continents. I’ve taken the trolley to Tijuana. I’ve encountered the sights, the smells, the invasions of personal space, the occasional death threat, and deaf people signing crude things about me. I’ve seen an entire bus co-opted by a pre-school field trip. I’ve had people on the streetcar want to talk to me about Moby-Dick. Basically, I’m pretty inured to whatever TriMet can throw at me. Except for this one thing a couple weeks ago. I had just hung my bike up on the hook on the MAX and was getting myself settled in. As the train pulled out of the station, I put my hand up to grab the bar overhead. My fingers immediately recoiled at an unexpected sensation. Someone had placed a fresh booger up there. Horror. True horror. And me without my hand sanitizer. —Andrew Coltrin Continued on page 15

Actually Uplifting TriMet Stories! Every Once in a While, Someone’s Nice on the Bus!

Independent reporter Michael Andersen prints stories from TriMet every month in his car-free friendly newsmagazine Portland Afoot (portlandafoot.org). Here are two of his favorites from recent issues:

Dan, TriMet Driver, #85

y very favorite of all time is the Swan Island industrial area. About two years ago, we had these really hot days. The bus is already loaded with dockworkers and then the MAX broke down. So this MAX unloads and tries to get in my bus. These guys with shirts and jackets file on, sweating. They start bitching, because of course there’s no air conditioning. And then all of a sudden this one guy who works at the shipping yard stands up. He says, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU PEOPLE WORK IN OFFICES ALL DAY. HE’S THE BEST DRIVER WE HAVE. QUIT YOUR BITCHIN’.” And all the other Swan Island workers are like, “Yeah! Shut up!” The next day I’m [driving] the #85 again, and I hit a skunk. There was a skunk on Swan Island! Where did they get a skunk? And I called in and I said: “I need another bus.” The moment my new bus came around the corner and I saw the model, I was like, Awaaaay we go. I’d finagled a bus with air conditioning. I drive down and I get to the same dock shift from yesterday. I pull up and open the door and I’m like, “All up, boys!” And they all walk into the nice cool bus.

Dick, Rider, #70

here was this woman sitting right across from the bus driver, crying. I don’t know how long they’d been carrying on. And the driver says, “After your husband left, did he ever try to get in contact with you again?” So calm, so supportive. I’m thinking, “God, this woman’s getting therapy for the price of a bus ticket.” And in the middle of this conversation, the bus stops and this guy who’s about 6’4”, huge, had to be over 250 pounds, comes up with kind of a Frankenstein step. He just said, “My legs aren’t working right.” So the bus driver says, “I’ll kneel the bus.” And he says, “No. I’ve got to do this on my own.” The bus driver was so patient. For all I know, she may be a clinical therapist by now. So he lumbers in and takes the opposite seat from the woman getting the therapy. And the therapy goes on with the three of them! Then this guy gets on with a baby on his back and a pet carrier. And he sits and they all start talking. The woman says, “Nice dog!” And he says, “That’s not a dog. That’s a pet monkey.” And she’s like, “Yeah!” The expression on his face was, “Why would you assume it’s a dog?”

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 13

BUY LOCAL

& SAVE

100

BUY LOCAL

& SAVE

ON ANY NEW GUITAR PURCHASE OVER $1000

ON ANY NEW GUITAR PURCHASE OVER $500

VALID V VAL ID TILLL 08.01.12 AT AT PORTLAND POR RTLAND AND M MUSIC US SIC CO CO. O.

VALID VA ALID TILL TILLL 08.01.12 08.0 08 01.12 12 A AT TP PORTLAND ORTLAN OR ND MUSIC CO.

WITH THIS COUPON

CANNOT C ANN NOT BE CO COMB COMBINED BINE I DO OR R USED E WIT WITH TH AN ANY NY OTH OTHER HER OFFERS O RSS OFFE

WITH THIS COUPON

CANNOT CA ANNO OT B BE E COM COMBINED MB BINED D OR US USED SED WITH TH AN ANY NY OTHER OFFERS

GREAT SELECTION TION O ON

GREAT PRICES CES

GREAT PEOPLE LE

PORTLAND 531 S.E. M.L.K. BLVD

12334 12 2334 33 34 4 S . DIVISION DIV DIV V SIO VISION SO ON

503.226.3719

503.667.4663 503 .667.4 667 466 66 667 46 4663 663

BEAVERTON 10075 S.W. BEAV.H HWY

503.641.5505

ON BROADWAY 2502 N.E. BROADWAY SINCE NCE 1927 7

503.228.8437

portlandmusiccompany.com SHEET MUSIC 503.775.0800 14 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Continued from page 13

BABY ON BOARD

iding the bus home one evening, I feel nauseated from someone’s overpowering cologne that smells like industrial cleaning compounds. I try to hold my breath and make it to my stop without vomiting. I slide over to crack the window—only now, someone very large has plopped down next to me in the aisle seat. Something of theirs is poking me painfully. I slide over as far as I can, but they do too, and I’m wedged between the window and my fellow passenger. I decide it’s time to move elsewhere. With some effort, I turn to announce my intentions. Next to me is a huge woman holding a baby in blankets—this is what has been poking me, as if it’s carved from stone. I’m concerned the baby’s head is being crushed, or its neck broken, and I’m still certain I’m going to vomit any moment. I quickly struggle to my feet the best I can, hoping she’ll open a route for me to exit. Instead, she shoves the baby onto the seat as I rise, blocking me in even worse. I turn to look at the baby and am horrified to see it’s a terrible shade of blue-gray and has been deceased at least a month. Panicked, I dive through a gap that has opened momentarily, race to the back door, and fall in a heap on the pavement to finally vomit. The bus pulls away into the night. —Anonymous

HUNGRY

gentleman with dramatic face tattoos and A Clockwork Orange-type outfit was sitting near me. I thought nothing of it. We’re all weirdos, and I’m not one to judge by appearances. But I did notice that he had a lot of open sores on his forearms. Open, sort-of-oozing kinds of sores. Then he started picking at the scabs on his arms. And he seemed to like picking at them, and got very in-

volved. But picking at them with his fingernails didn’t do the trick, so he began using his teeth, biting and gnawing hungrily. Then he flung the scab detritus on the floor of the bus. And began eagerly, noisily sucking at the newly reopened wounds. I biked to work the next day. —Ero

EAST COUNTY

n one particular trip from outer Southeast Portland into downtown, I was awoken at 82nd Avenue by a commotion involving the bus driver and a rider who had taken a seat near me at the back of the bus. Coming out of my daze, I noticed the man was cradling something in his arms. On closer inspection, I realized that the tiny head coming out of the wrapping in this man’s arms belonged to a raccoon. As this is not an everyday occurrence on the bus—even in East County—I took a greater interest in the scene. The bus driver was yelling at the man to get off the bus, as apparently traveling with a raccoon is against TriMet’s policies. The rider was anxious to remain on the bus, so his initial line of argument for staying onboard was that this particular raccoon was dead, which was meant to reassure the driver and his fellow passengers that there was no problem. The driver dug in his heels, though, and stated that the bus would not be continuing until this gentleman and his (dead) companion got off the bus. In a huff, the man with the raccoon made a goodwill gesture by stuffing the (dead) raccoon into his large suitcase and then throwing up his hands as if to say, “There! Happy now?” This did not have the desired effect, as the driver continued to insist the rider take himself and the (dead) raccoon off the bus. Finally, the rider exited, grabbing his suitcase, now containing the (dead) raccoon, as well as the large stockpot that he was carrying. I can only speculate on what relationship this item had to the (dead) raccoon. —Eric Stoffregen

nd the $300 prize goes to Brianna Wheeler for her true tale of TriMet terror in which she was “squeezed out of a woman’s ass like a big poop.” Congrats and/or condolences, Brianna. Thanks to all of our other contestants, and all of our finalists will go home with some transit-friendly bottles of Purell.

of r e the Pow l e e F

DO YOU KASASA?

king c e h C e Fre

Find out more at nrfcu.org or call us at 503.220.2592

ive Interest s s a M with

3.00

plus link with

apy*

On CASH balances up to $15,000

0.50

On CASH balances above $15,000

0.05

On entire CASH balance when qualifications are not met

NOT THIS AGAIN

ven the most stoic of transit riders can have their foundations shaken during basketball or soccer season. The cool, clean TriMet trains become claustrophobic death tubes full of pre-game beer farts and hot Frito breath. One such night, I caught a modestly crowded 6:15 pm Blue Line MAX at the Beaverton Central station. By the time we got to the tunnel, the train seemed too full to accept any more passengers. Did that stop people from bullying their way in? Hell no! It was game night, y’all! As bodies shifted to accommodate more bodies, I found myself stuck between a Plexiglas divider and a woman with a seriously substantial, spandex-clad ass. I thought this was merely uncomfortable until, after three stops, the train hiccupped and the momentum pushed me into this woman’s butt. I was literally, in between her ass cheeks. All the way in. Her butt just opened up, accepted me into it, and then closed around me. It was everywhere. I wasn’t aware that this was physically possible—and yet, here I was, inside of a fat lady’s ass. When I “entered” her, I felt her gently sigh, as if to say, “Not this again.” I was jammed up there from Goose Hollow to the Rose Quarter, where she finally wiggled me out and pinched me off like a turd. I imagine she was as humiliated by this as I was, much like an uncomfortable sexual experience. We avoided eye contact as she flowed out of the train in a blur of Blazer red. As I regained composure, I raised my eyes to a young man who had been near me for the entire ride. He was red-faced from stifling his laughter having just seeing a grown human being squeezed out of a woman’s ass like big poop. —Brianna Wheeler

kasasa saver

to earn & automatically save

apy

OK, it may not help you leap tall buildings, but it is free checking that pays you massive monthly interest.

apy

nationwide * atm fee refunds

To earn interest and nationwide ATM fee refunds each month: Each qualification cycle have at least 10 debit card purchases post and clear, have one direct deposit or ACH auto payment post and clear, and receive e-statements.

p lu s Free debit card usage • Free online banking No minimum balance requirements to earn rewards *APY=Annual Percentage Yield. Annual Percentage Yield (APY) accurate as of 04/16/12. Minimum to open account is $25. Rate tiers are as follows: 3.00% APY applies to balances of $0.01 - $15,000 and 0.50% APY applies to balances over $15,000 if qualifications are met each monthly qualification cycle. 0.05% APY applies to all balances if monthly qualifications are not met. All balances will earn 3.00% APY ‑ 0.50% APY if monthly qualifications are met. Qualifying transactions must post and clear to the account during the monthly qualification cycle. Transactions may take one or more banking days from the date the transaction was made to post to an account. IntraCredit Union transfers do not count as qualifying ACH transactions. ATM Fee reimbursements provided only if qualifications are met within the monthly qualification cycle. Rates may change after the account is opened. Fees may reduce earnings. Limit one account per Social Security Number.

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 15

Mission TheaTer 1624 N.W. Glisan St. • Portland • 503-223-4527

Canadian singer-songwriter

Alexz Johnson

Josh and Mer Wednesday, August 15

Presented by

Benefiting

Celebrating 40 years of Special Olympics Oregon

Jr. McCargo Care AaronFre senius Medical

Presented by

En tr y n ow O n ly

t s e g r a L ’s n $ o Oreg ! t Culinary Even

45 62 135 32 22 30 40

GUSroTn1t0P-1 ark DELiCiOCUhSELfyS AU Water f GifTED Celebrity Chef EnTrEEESSfSOr . n McChaourgseo” Jr Aaroad $3 Or L ’s dy D ig “B ork on food netw TAST y MEErniEUS air LargeerKiKdsidAcstivfities DiSCOv om Awes Clashes! Culins aOrry TOP OrEGSOn on eg Sysco’ WinEriE Chefs Stage E n! G Battleef-o ChEf STEAS Oregon Ch on ir s fEATUr Competition Expanded!k’s OrEGOnrEWS Gerry fran B T CrAf Oregon & S D n A Chefs Table B P TO T n E M in ! EnTErTA Adm: 11a-4p y 1/2 Off frida

Buy advance tickets and receive a “Bonus Bite”. See website for details. Premier Sponsors:

ccination Soul va da Hornbuckle

Major Sponsors:

Media Sponsors:

w/ Lin

info: BiteofOregon.com 16 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Supporting Sponsors: Alpenrose Dairy • Beaverton Foods • Car2Go • Honest Tea • Jones Soda • Miller Paint • Mrs. Meyer’s Clean Day • PGE (Green Mountain Energy) Oregon Brewers Guild • ReDirect Guide • Regal Cinemas • Rex Goliath Wines • Sierra Springs • Solar City • Tree Top Apple Juice • Vision Counsel • Women Enjoying Beer

MY , WHAT A BUSY WEEK! OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF AUGUST 9-16 THURSDAY, AUGUST 9 WOODS—The ever-hustling documentary crew at Into the Woods coordinates a quarterly series showcasing their favorite artists in town. They’re bringing a few cameras to catch the whole thing on film as Aan, Pure Bathing Culture, and WL play. This is where tastes are made. AH w/Shy Girls, DJ Zack, DJ Sister Sister; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8:30 pm, $5

LET BRUCE BRUCE HIT IT—The phrase “comedian’s comedian” usually means that you’re gonna laugh, but not as much as the full-fledged comedy nerds in the back of the room. Bruce Bruce is the rare comedian’s comedian who makes the audience feel they’re in on every joke, even the ones they probably shouldn’t be. BR Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $25-30

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 ENCHANTED—The charming amusement park Enchanted Forest is, hands down, the best thing about Oregon—and today, the Great Idea Festival returns with a full day of live music from the likes of the Builders and the Butchers, Quasi, Typhoon, and the Challenge of Mondor! Just kidding! The Challenge of Mondor is one of Enchanted Forest’s many amazing rides! EH Enchanted Forest, 8462 Enchanted Way SE, Turner, OR, 2 pm until dark, $22-30 (includes all-day park admission)

TIME TO PLAY THE MUSIC—The Muppets are the purest possible distillation of everything that makes childhood wonderful. So when we say, “By attending Muppet History 101 at the Hollywood’s four-day Muppets series, you will learn the origins of awesome,” the amount of hyperbole is small enough to fit on one of Kermit’s floppy fingertips. BR Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 & 9:30 pm, $7

ELIZA SOHN

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 ALBERTA BIG TIME—If you like Last Thursdays on NE Alberta, you will love the Alberta Street Fair, when the whole neighborhood lights up with literally hundreds of vendors, three stages of entertainment (from live music to belly dance), a beer garden, adorable kids’ parade, and the warm welcome of all your favorite businesses. MS NE Alberta from 10th to 30th, 11 am-7 pm, $2 suggested donation

SUMMER JAM!—Time to traipse through history with your fave guide DJ Cooky Parker (AKA DJ Arthur M). For this steamy dance party, Fifty: A Possible History of Summer Jams, he’s playing summer-soaked songs from the last five decades, hopping from the sassy girl groups of the 1960s to the bootyburners of today. CF w/DJs Bobby Dangerous, Hanukkah Miracle; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12 ZINE MACHINES—This is a city that loves itself some handmade art, and this weekend’s Zine Symposium is a low-key, friendly meet-up of makers of all types of DIY reading material. Grab some coffee and spend an hour meandering the narrow paths between tables of comics, side-stapled manifestos, and punk passion projects. SM Refuge, 116 SE Yamhill, Sat 10 am-5 pm, Sun 10 am-4 pm, FREE

PLAN 9 PLAN—What’s better than watching a finely crafted cinematic masterpiece? Watching Ed Wood’s disastrous Plan 9 from Outer Space with a live soundtrack from Filmusik, that’s what! With musical accompaniment, foley artists, voice actors, and the abundant beauty of Washington Park and Vampira at your disposal, this oughta be a bundle of fun! CF Washington Park, 400 SW Kingston, dusk, FREE

MONDAY, AUGUST 13 BEARS—Environment-focused literary magazine Bear Deluxe hosts four of its prized authors, including Truth Like the Sun author Jim Lynch, one of the finest writers on the I-5 corridor. Bitch Editor in Chief Kjerstin Johnson, Mateo Hoke, and Kristy Athens will also be reading. AH Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, 7 pm, FREE, 21+

SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS—With bedroom jams, sugar-sweet stoned-out melodies, and filthy lyrics, the Memories are the kind of band that charms your pants off even while they’re staring at your boobs. Catch the group— which shares members with party-’til-you-passout rockers White Fang—as they make some of the loveliest, trashiest sounds around. NL w/K-Tel ’79, Coral Stabz; Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14 GROWN—Drew Grow and the Pastors’ Wives preview their to-be-recorded upcoming album over two nights at the super-intimate Ella Street. While their new material may be untested, it’s guaranteed to be full of the passion, grit, and heart-wrenching soul that’ve made DG&PW one of the best bands in town. NL Ella Street Social Club, 714 SW 20th Pl, Tues & Wed, 9 pm, $8 ($5 on Wed with Tues ticket stub)

BRAIN WAVES—Last fall, Brainstorm applied their synth-thick multi-instrumental pop to the African stylings of Mdou Moctar. After seeing success in Portland AND in Africa, the band is finally releasing a 7-inch that features two of their covers alongside two Moctar originals. ZP w/Swahili, Sun Angle, DJ Sahelsounds; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $6

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15 GIRL POWER—Portland welcomes up-and-coming UK goth pop songstress/badass Charli XCX. Her songs are infectious with heavy bass and sassy lyrics whose topics range from love to lust to ass-kicking. A less-top-40, more-intense version of the Spice Girls, one could say. Good to know girl power lives on! LC Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $10-12

FANTASIZE—A legendary sword, magic, romance, and incest! One way to mitigate the interminable wait until season three of Game of Thrones is to revisit John Boorman’s 1981 Excalibur. Especially since its cast is so remarkable, with young versions of Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne, Liam Neeson, and Patrick Stewart, who was apparently young once! MS Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside, Fri Aug 10-Thurs Aug 16, 9:15 pm, $4 August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 17

IN MUSIC WE TRUST PRESENTS

DEATHTRAP

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH THE LEGENDS OF NEW WAVE SKA

FRIDAY!

AMERICA

A LOG LOVE EVENING OF PDX HONKY-TONK

THE

TUMBLERS

SATURDAY!

THURSDAY!

LESSER KNOWN CHARACTERS

THURSDAY AUGUST 9

ED AND THE RED REDS +JAKE RAY

+SNARL

•

$5 AT THE DOOR

+NATALIE WOULDN’T

FRIDAY AUGUST 10

PORTLAND MERCURY, PBR AND STOLI PRESENT

•

Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any menu item Sun - Thur in the dining room

3-7PM

FREE

HAZY NEW WAVE-TINGED POP FROM BROOKLYN

LEGENDARY TEXAS ALT-COUNTRY FROM CELEBRATED SINGER/

MONDAY AUGUST 13

TUESDAY AUGUST 14

•

TICKETS GOING FAST

$15 ADVANCE

A LOG LOVE EVENING OF EPIC PDX ROCK!

OTIS HEAT

•

$20 ADVANCE

CHARLI

830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com

SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. FOOD SPECIALS 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

Doors at 7pm, Show at 8pm EARLY SHOW!

CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SYNTH-POP FROM THE UK

XCX

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–2:30AM EVERYDAY

+POOLSIDE

$8 ADVANCE

ALEJANDRO

MAKE IT A NIGHT

& NATHAN TRUEB of TANG ALPHA TANGO & SAM COOPER BBQ AND DRINK SPECIALS!

$20 ADVANCE

•

ESCOVEDO

DAVE DEPPER

SUNDAY AUGUST 12

•

SATURDAY AUGUST 11

+KITTEN

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 15

•

$10 ADVANCE

JACK DANIELS PRESENTS THE BLACK & BLUE SERIES

DENVER ALBUM RELEASE

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH NASHVILLE-BASED SINGER/SONGWRITER

GRIFFIN

HOUSE

FRIDAY AUGUST 17

+CALLAGHAN

THURSDAY AUGUST 16

BEAR & MOOSE +BARNA HOWARD

TANGO ALPHA TANGO +PAPER OR PLASTIC

•

$8 ADVANCE

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH CELEBRATED BAY AREA SINGER/SONGWRITER

•

$12 ADVANCE

LEGENDARY INDIE ROCK FROM SAN DIEGO

THREE MILE PILOT

PROPHET & THE MISSION EXPRESS •

$13 ADVANCE

INSANELY CATCHY INDIE-ROCK FROM BUZZ-WORTHY UK TRIO

+DRAMADY

ANIMAL KINGDOM

$15 ADVANCE

A MIDSUMMER’S EVE ALBUM RELEASE CELEBRATION

MOSLEY

WOTTA TONY SMILEY (ALBUM RELEASE) +MARV ELLIS

SATURDAY AUGUST 25

•

$8 ADVANCE

$5 ADVANCE

BROODING PSYCHE-ROCK FROM THE EMERALD CITY

NIGHT BEATS

THURSDAY AUGUST 23

•

CHUCK

+REDWOOD SON

TUESDAY AUGUST 21

SATURDAY AUGUST 18

SUNDAY AUGUST 26

•

$10 ADVANCE

ALEX

CLARE

$10 ADVANCE

AMBIENT POST-ROCK FROM TORONTO BASED MULTI-INSTRUMENTALIST

SANDRO

PERRI WEDNESDAY AUGUST 29

FRIDAY AUGUST 24

•

$8 ADVANCE

MONDAY AUGUST 27

•

$15 ADVANCE

ALEJANDRO ESCOVEDO 8/13 THE HEAVY 9/2 LEE FIELDS & THE EXPRESSIONS 9/2 MIKE WATT & THE MISSINGMEN 9/29 THE SHEEPDOGS 10/13 SALLIE FORD & THE SOUND OUTSIDE 9/21 THE JON SPENCER BLUES EXPLOSION 11/12 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

MARTY MARQUIS of BLITZEN TRAPPER (Patio) 8/26 • VINTAGE TROUBLE 8/30 • CIVIL TWILIGHT 8/31 • THE HEAVY 9/2 LEE FIELDS & THE EXPRESSIONS 9/3 • SLOAN 9/5 • JOHN MAUS 9/6 • BLACK MOUNTAIN 9/7 • MOONFACE 9/8 GREGORY ALAN ISAKOV 9/10 • ETERNAL SUMMERS 9/11 • ANGUS STONE 9/14 • THE AGGROLITES 9/16 • SAUL WILLIAMS 9/18 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

18 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

MUSIC

Great Gobbledigook

Some Mostly Made-Up Facts About Sigur Rós by Ned Lannamann • Sigur Rós’ newest album is called SIGUR RÓS are otherworldly beings. The Icelandic band’s lyrics are not in any human Valtari, and it is their dreamiest, most language. We didn’t interview them, but if aimless work to date. It is the sound of the we did, we imagine they would respond to beating of a hummingbird’s wings, slowed each of our questions with something like, down nearly 40,000 percent. • If you listen to the “Cy y uuuuuuuuuuuuuuooooo.” Sigur Rós Valtari track “RembiTheir music is beautiful and Thurs Aug 9 hnútur” backward, you confusing. Edgefield Sigur Rós is playing the 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale probably won’t notice a difference. Edgefield lawn this week, which • Sigur Rós songs are often sung by will either be a group orgasm of cosmic proportions or a very comfy outdoor nap. rowdy crowds at glíma matches—glíma To commemorate, here is some mostly being the Icelandic national style of folk wrestling, which is considerably less viomade-up stuff about the band. • Sigur Rós sing in an invented lan- lent than regular wresting. Imagine, if guage called Hopelandic. At band prac- you will, a large group of people singing, tice, they also speak with each other in an “yorrrrruuuuuul hef aftur snorrrri ll eðinvented language—not the one they sing joðjoðöööö” as two men in singlets stare meaningfully at each other. in, a different one. • Sigur Rós and Sugar Ray were once • The band’s drummer, Orri Páll Dýrason, does not speak this language, and is booked to do a package tour together frequently the unwitting butt of jokes at called the SR 4evR Tour. Sigur Rós reband practice. His solo album, Tár Mín portedly backed out at the last minute afEru Jökull Sorg (English translation: My ter a routine reading of kittiwake entrails Tears Are a Glacier of Sadness), has yet to revealed unfavorable omens. • In certain parts of Canada and Greenfind a label. • The New Yorker once described their land, a Sigur Rós album can be exchanged music as “brilliantly inchoate, a thrum- for entire crates of Sleepytime tea. • Forty percent of Sigur Rós’ music is ming soundtrack to our modern lives of technological superstimulation.” This was inaudible. • Björk and Sigur Rós once started a revision of the original copy, which read, “I don’t have the slightest idea what the a neighborhood vigilante league in their fuck these pointy-headed elves are sing- gated community in the Icelandic suburb of Trørnní∂. It came to an abrupt halt ing about.”

Great Ideas Are Made in Oregon An Enchanted Music Festival by Maranda Bish

MUSIC

YOU’VE POSSIBLY DRIVEN by the soon), Hoffman developed relationships quaint, blue sign on Interstate 5 by Salem with emerging bands as he worked to foster countless times without giving thought to a thriving music scene in a city that is often overshadowed, in public percepthe anomalous presThe Great Idea tion at least, by the vibrant acence of the Enchanted Fri Aug 10 tivity taking place in Portland. Forest, a fantasyEnchanted Forest One such band was Tybased theme park cre- 8462 Enchanted Way SE, Turner phoon, at the time on the cusp of ated and maintained by a local family. If you didn’t grow up in the breakthrough of their lush 2010 album, the area and don’t have kids of your own, Hunger and Thirst. Another was Derek you might not think you’d ever have occa- Vaslev, grandson of Roger Tofte, the man sion to visit this charming family attrac- who literally built Enchanted Forest from tion. But thanks to a collaboration among the ground up. Some history: Tofte enthe theme park’s founding family, music visioned, designed, and constructed the curator Doug Hoffman, and a bevy of local fairy-tale themed park that opened in 1971 bands, you have a very good reason to ex- in an effort to establish a family-friendly perience this uniquely Northwest attrac- attraction near Salem, an area previously devoid of many recreational opportunities. tion: the Great Idea. Now in its third year, the Great Idea His children now manage the park facility, music festival transforms the park from a and family members like Vaslev seek ways seemingly isolated, somewhat dated spec- to help the park and its vision continue to tacle into a vibrant venue for creative ex- thrive. The cross-pollination of connecpression. It’s a single day on the calendar, tions made by Hoffman was the impetus but the festival’s implications resound. Its for the fi rst Great Idea, an outdoor concert origins lie with Hoffman, a Salem-based across multiple stages that showcased lomusic booker and promoter who’s highly cal performers in the unique and inspired committed to bringing music events and ex- environment that is Enchanted Forest. This year’s fest builds on past successperiences to local audiences. As proprietor of the Space, a venue operating in Salem es and continues to break new ground. from 2008 to 2010 (and is slated to re-open For one, a beer garden sponsored by lo-

when, according to press reports, Björk caught a feather on a pricker bush and had to be airlifted by zeppelin to a Reykjavik hospital. • Sigur Rós’ record contract explicitly states that all Sigur Rós songs must be at least seven minutes long and contain no fewer than three heart-bursting orchestral swells. If Sigur Rós does not meet these stipulations, the RIAA is permitted to throw a small Icelandic child into the

volcano Eyjafjallajökull. • Sigur Rós’ 2005 album Takk… was recorded without using any conventional recording technology. Rather, the band played their instruments directly into the anus of a tigasus (half tiger, half pegasus), which then shat out individual copies of the record. The smudgy inkwork on the album cover? That’s not printed; that’s actual, caked-on tigasus feces, and if you lick it, you will grow an Antler of Remembering, which is, like, +7 wisdom or something. • Lead singer Jónsi recorded the soundtrack to Cameron Crowe’s movie We Bought a Zoo, which is a terrible, terrible movie. (This one is true.)

SIGUR RÓS One of these guys realizes how ridiculous the other three look.

cal craft brewery Gilgamesh marks the fi rst time alcohol will be served on the park’s grounds in its 41 years of existence. Every performance will be taped for an upcoming documentary. And for the fi rst time Hoffman himself will partake in the music making, as drummer for the reunited lineup of Salem-based the Apheliotropic Orchestra. The multitude of stellar acts include another appearance from the now quite celebrated Typhoon, Northwest legends Quasi, foot-stomping favorites the Builders and the Butchers,

MAXIMILLA LUKACS

and Hustle and Drone, the new electronic project from former Portugal. The Man member Ryan Neighbors. Hoffman mentions that, while attendance from devout local music fans is essential to the festival, one of his favorite aspects of the Great Idea is the audience found in families who have randomly come to enjoy the park that day. “They get to ride rides and stumble across organic performance areas,” he says. “If a kid sees that and says, ‘Dad, I want to do that when I get bigger,’ my job is done.”

TYPHOON

THE BUILDERS AND THE BUTCHERS

STRANGLED DARLINGS

SUCCULENT DISH

PECULIAR PRETZELMEN

QUASI

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 19

Pounce on Portland! See the AMAZING ACRO-CATS live and in purr-son! Watch them perform remarkable feats of agility! Delight in watching the all cat combo, “THE ROCK CATS”!

Now appearing at Headwaters Theatre 55 NE Farragut St. Wed, August 1st - Tues, August 14th

Tickets

rson

Find Your Perfect Match

Purcha are just $20 per pes.com t se tic kets at www.circusca

portlandmercury.com/personals

BIKES, BANDS, BEER

SATURDAY

AUGUST 2 PM- 1 0 PM WORLD’S ONLY

BIKE-IN OKTOBERFEST PARTY

HOPWORKS URBAN BREWERY 2944 SE POWELL BLVD

FAULT LINES CASEY NEILL & THE NORWAY RATS RAMONA FALLS THE BUILDERS & THE BUTCHERS

H O P W O R K S

OR GA Ni C

3:30 5:00 7:30 9:00

BIKETOBEERFEST.COM

HOPWORKS

2 9 4 4 S E P O W E L L B LV D .

B I K E T O B E E R F E S T

20 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Is Everybody Listening? In Defense of Supertramp by Morgan Troper

MUSIC

MY FATHER is moved and soothed by tion that characterize rock production of classic rock. A generally innocuous butt- that period. So it’s easy to see why people associate the ’Tramp with abomirock punt like Styx’s “Lady” can elicit an anecdote of near Roger Hodgson nable groups like Kansas—but it’s Fri Aug 10 a rookie mistake. These pop gems biblical proportions from his Oregon Zoo are ripe for rediscovery; the lyrreservoirs of sentimentality. 4001 SW Canyon ics—especially those penned by The radio dial in his truck Hodgson rather than his songwriting partappears firmly stuck on 92.3 FM. The other day, Supertramp’s “School,” ner, Rick Davies—are often pensive and from their 1974 album Crime of the Centu- evocative. (You could even say that “School” ry, sent him reminiscing in such a way: He and the “The Logical Song” are a little bit told me about the time he and his friends, punk rock!) Recent live footage of Hodgson reveal Gil and David, were on a balcony listening to Supertramp’s live record Paris with he’s among the fortunate handful of aging the sun beating down on them on a late artists whose voice has hardly withered a spring afternoon. He said it felt as if the glint—and the guy looks pretty damn good, music itself was heralding summer (a doo- too. His (bizarrely mystical) press release bie or two must have been present). “What for this tour ensures performances of all his a great summer,” he recalled, and he pro- “hits with Supertramp,” in addition to material off of his three solo records. ceeded to tell me all about it. I’m prepared to be the youngest person I more or less checked out. “School”—which was co-written by there who knows all the words to “Dreamer,” Roger Hodgson—actually is an exceptional and I’m totally okay with that. song, though. As a matter of fact, despite being a frequent target of anti-album-oriented-rock derision and relegated to record-store 50-cent bins, Supertramp have at least three classic LPs that rank among some of the best pop recordings this side of Paul McCartney’s early ’70s output. I’d even go as far to say that “The Logical Song” is timeless. The problem is that even Supertramp’s best cuts are marred by the tawdry glossiROB SHANAHAN ness and gratuitous instrumenta- ROGER HODGSON Hello, ladies.

Under the Blunderbuss Jack White’s Weird Birds by Ryan J. Prado

thursday, august 9 5:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

KOry QuINN hIVEMINd 8:30 p.m.

FrIday, august 10 5:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

rEVErb brOthErs WINdy hILL thE NutMEggErs 9:30 p.m.

saturday, august 11 4:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

thE studENt LOaN brad CrEEL aNd thE rEEL dEEL JaMbOX aLLstars 9:30 p.m.

suNday, august 12

thE saLE 7 p.m.

MONday, august 13

EarLy hOurs 8:30 p.m.

tuEsday, august 14 VitaminWater and mcmenamins present

bEIsbOL NO KINd OF rIdEr FOrEIgN OraNgE 8:30 p.m.

WEdNEsday, august 15 “uNFILtErEd” shOWCasE!

(aCts tO bE aNNOuNCEd) 8:30 p.m.

MUSIC

JACK WHITE is in no need of a print boost. vaudevillian plumage of his old-timey deThe guy’s been a natural rock star since votions (his enigmatic scarecrow/preachthe White Stripes’ color-coordinated blues- er visage is both diva-ish and strangely punk battery burst onto the scene with awesome)—there’s no denying his pas2001’s White Blood Cells, propelling De- sion and talent for resurrecting the spirit troit’s underground garage-rock scene to- of haunted old blues tunes, garage-punk sneer, and experimentalism. ward the international spotlight. Jack White Plainly, the man rocks. Since relocating to Nashville, Wed Aug 15 Blunderbuss debuted atop and following last year’s disRose Garden Billboard’s Top 100 list and hit bandment of the duo that made 1 Center Ct. number one in the UK and Swithim famous (along with presumed hiatuses from the Raconteurs and zerland as well, reaffi rming his already the Dead Weather), White’s Southern sus- colossal following. This was no accident: ceptibilities—be they still mired in a kind Blunderbuss revisits some of the sonic of punk-rock holding pattern—have taken territory of the much-missed Stripes, but strong root, resulting in his fi rst solo al- is given a booster shot by way of big, rhythbum, Blunderbuss, as well as some inter- mic drumming, warm organs, and White’s esting collaboration liberties. A rumored signature buzzsaw guitar wrangling. The album’s second single, “Sixsession at White’s studio this summer with Radiohead yielded much ballyhooing; last teen Saltines,” in particular, homes in year’s Insane Clown Posse partnership for on White’s manic sensibilities, segueing the single “Leck Mich Im Arsch” (trans- nasal-screeched verses into falsetto-andlation: “Lick me in the arse”) prompted riff-heavy bridges, showcasing his proven strengths while imbuing the listener with some deadly serious head scratching. Still, say what you may about White’s slightly higher levels of pop coating. The only question left is whether White insular recording quirks (his own Third Man Records label is a great producer will summon his all-female group the Peaof exclusive vinyl, and all sorts of other cocks or the all-male Buzzards to back him neato nostalgia), his reported tripwire up for the Portland stop of his tour. Weird temper (remember when he decked birds, or weirder birds? The wagering the singer for the Von Bondies?), or the starts here. August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 21

22 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

UP&COMING THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

ALEJANDRO ESCOVEDO Doug Fir, 8/13

CRYSTAL FIGHTERS, Wonder Ballroom, 6/2

TODD WOLFSON

THURSDAY 8/9 INTO THE WOODS QUARTERLY: AAN, PURE BATHING CULTURE, WL, SHY GIRLS, DJ ZACK, DJ SISTER SISTER (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

SIGUR RÓS, JULIA HOLTER (Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale) See Music, pg. 19.

SHONEN KNIFE, THE MALLARD, OH DARLING (Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd) Let’s face it: Kurt Cobain was an iconoclast who celebrated the odd and glorified technical incompetence (a lot like Frank Zappa actually, who could be considered Cobain’s antecedent in that sense). It’s not an exaggeration to say that without him, my generation generally would not know or care about Daniel Johnston or the Raincoats. Among the misfits Cobain revered are the Japanese pop-punk band Shonen Knife, who happen to be my personal favorite of his personal favorites. The band’s latest, and 18th, record, Pop Tune, is more of the glorious same: awful musicianship and exceptional pop sensibilities (the title track might be the best—oh Christ, here it comes—pop tune I’ve heard all summer). If you don’t like it, you just don’t understand it. MORGAN TROPER

ASSEMBLY OF LIGHT CHOIR, THE BODY, BRAVEYOUNG, SIOUX (Plan B, 1305 SE 8th) Loud, abrasive metal has gone and done it again. The Body, a two-piece droney-noisydoomey outfit from Providence who recently relocated to Portland, pushed the boundaries with their art and caught the ears of a few squares at NPR and the New York Times. Their recent release, All The Waters of the Earth Turn To Blood, features the talents of the Assembly of Light, an all-female choir that also hails from Providence. The Body’s harsh riffs and panicked, shrill vocals blending with the beautiful belting of more than a dozen ladies is indeed haunting, so it’s no wonder it perked some unlikely ears. Heavy music is no stranger to choirs and classical arrangements, but there’s never been a collaboration this frightening before. It’s a unique, fascinating meld that sends chills up your spine while it punches you in the stomach. ARIS WALES

FRIDAY 8/10

THE GREAT IDEA: QUASI, TYPHOON, THE BUILDERS AND THE BUTCHERS & MORE (Enchanted Forest, 8642 Enchanted Way SE, Turner) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17, and Music, pg. 19.

ROGER HODGSON (Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon) See Music, pg. 21.

CHAMPAGNE CHAMPAGNE, THE KNUX, CHICHARONES, CLOUDY OCTOBER (Ted’s, 231 SW Ankeny) Champagne Champagne are self-described “punk-rap-shoegazers” from Seattle who put just as much effort into partying as they do in creating high-energy hiphop. The Knux are the Hollywood duo of brothers Alvin and Kentrell Lindsey, whose formative years in New Orleans helped influence and shape their sound: namely, a musical gumbo that is unmistakably rap music, but filtered through their love of electro, new wave, and classic rock. Hometown hiphop heroes the Chicharones never fail to deliver an amazing live show, which must truly be seen to be believed. A healthy dose of humor combined with costumes, dance moves, and a tight backing band once led Spin magazine to dub them “the Best Bar Band in America.” They also just returned from a five-week nationwide tour promoting their latest release, Swine Flew, so their stage show should be tighter than ever. RYAN FEIGH

THE ENGLISH BEAT, NATALIE WOULDN’T (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) 2-Tone forebears the English Beat (as they are known as in America, due to a trademark-related oversight on their part) are one of those bands that are so fortunate to not have released more than a few albums. Four, to be exact, including an essential B-sides and assorted curios compilation, What Is Beat?, released after the band’s initial breakup. I say fortunate because those albums are all pretty great, and they never got the opportunity to burn the whole legacy to the ground by putting out a bad one, which is so unusual among older bands (and mostly inevitable, as brilliance is finite). So expect only to hear the good stuff tonight (“Tears of a Clown,” “Can’t Get Used to Losing You,” and of course, “Save It for Later”). Frontman Dave Wakeling is also one of the genre’s most engaging frontmen, and from the looks of things he hasn’t lost an ounce of energy. MT

FRANZ FERDINAND, CARNIVORES (Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) By all accounts, Franz Ferdinand are planning a “comeback” this year. And by most accounts this is a good thing. The Scottish quartet hasn’t released anything new in over three years (and anything interesting in even longer), leaving dance floors bare and bloggers feeling a little empty inside. But it really is difficult not to like Franz Ferdinand— the band can make even the squarest white male want to get out and dance, while still satisfying the rock-’n’roller inside who likes angular guitars and pop hooks. They’re more fun than anything America has called dance music in the past decade. Maybe “comeback” is the right word after all. MARK LORE

SATURDAY 8/11

FIFTY: DJ ARTHUR M, DJ BOBBY DANGEROUS, DJ HANUKKAH MIRACLE (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

PIERCED ARROWS, SUICIDE NOTES, NO TOMORROW BOYS

Full Bar & Menu Until 2:30am! Happy Hour 2–8pm 7days a week 3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

503-239-1143

(Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) With galloping drums and an opening line of “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go… to the beach!” the Suicide Notes have their sights set on your summertime. The rest of “Beach Song,” the B-side of the Portland group’s brand new single, has a similar element of party-hearty menace: By way of three-part girl harmonies, some go-go party vibes, and a thick punk punch, the Suicide Notes are going to make sure that you will have a good time, dammit. “Beach Song” surfs along, obtaining Who-like power chords and an extended power-pop coda along the way, and turns into a veritable epic—a marked contrast to the abbreviated amphetamine rush of A-side “Suicide Note,” a breakup song that’s about as black as black humor gets. The Suicide Notes celebrate the 7-inch’s release tonight with the downright heroic Pierced Arrows, who are utterly incapable of playing a disappointing show. NED LANNAMANN

MURDER BY DEATH, HA HA TONKA, CORY CHISEL AND THE WANDERING SONS (Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd) It could be due to the fact that I just finished watching the 2010 Coen Brothers remake of True Grit, but the vocals on Murder by Death’s “White Noise,” from 2010’s Good Morning, Magpie, sound like what would result from getting a drunk Jeff Bridges to slur cowboy poetry. A low, cobwebbed voice repeatedly asks the listener to meet in a valley while the band beneath pioneers a dark-sky, low-tuned Americana. It’s eerie, but interestingly engaging—and ominous enough to soundtrack the rise of some living thing from a bayou at midnight. But I address that song knowing it’s only a recent single in their hearty history of releases; their sixth album, Bitter Drink, Bitter Moon, comes out next month. These guys have been working nonstop since

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 23

samples

(aka Ben saMPles) friday sept 14 crystal ballroom

tickets at cascade tickets charge By Phone 855-cas-tixx x2 also at crystal BallrooM Box office

4 BaBes Playing the Music of ZePPelin

& Grand royale a triBute to the Beastie Boys friday sept 21 dante’s

tickets at safeway/ ticketswest charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

Pink floyd triBute

House of Floyd

5932 SE 92nd Ave 503-777-1415 LINE UP FOR THE SUMMER OF ROCK AT THE NEW COPPER PENNY!

FRIDAY 8/10

ANGEL STEEL

saturday october 6 dante’s

tickets at safeway/ticketswest · charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

sunday october 7 aladdin theatre tickets at all ticketMaster locations charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

tuesday october 16 crystal ballroom

tickets at cascade tickets charge By Phone 855-cas-tixx x2 also at crystal BallrooM Box office

the next Best thing to Johnny cash

FRIDAY 8/17 BUDDY HINTON BAND!

CLASSIC ROCK W/ AN EDGE

& suGarcane

saturday november 3 dante’s

tickets at safeway/ticketswest · charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

FRIDAY 8/24

sunday nov 10 aladdin theatre

tickets at all ticketMaster locations charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

thursday nov 15 elsinore theater 170 high st se saleM, or 7:30PM show all ages tickets at safeway/ ticketswest locations charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

MAIDEN N.W. TRIBUTE TO IRON MAIDEN

+ LIVE UNDEAD TRIBUTE TO SLAYER

squarepegconcerts.com

Straight No Chaser tuesday november 27 arlene schnitzer concert hall tickets at all ticketMaster locations charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

24 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

live rock music every friday nite find us and like us on Facebook

UP&COMING THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

2000, and have more or less stayed true to the diet folk-punk sound they became known for upon their inception. JONATHAN MAGDALENO

FESTIVAL OF AMERICANA: NICK JAINA, THE FEATURES, THE PARSON RED HEADS, THE MOONDOGGIES & MORE (Grand Lodge, 3505 Pacifi c, Forest Grove) In just its second year, McMenamins’ Festival of Americana has cornered the market on folks who aren’t up to the time commitment, crowds, and expense of Pickathon. Judging by the lineup, these people include aging hippies who want to revisit their festival days alongside their children and grandchildren. The festival kicks off on Friday with Garcia Birthday Band, who interpret (not cover!) the Grateful Dead, also an apparent infl uence on one of the festival’s youngest bands, the Moondoggies out of Seattle, who play Saturday. But the psychedelic jams end there. Tennessee funk band the Features augment what is otherwise a Northwest-heavy bill: Nick Jaina, with his heart on his sleeve; the tireless Freak Mountain Ramblers; Sassparilla, at the convergence of folk and punk; the Parson Red Heads, who have a cover of Nick Lowe’s “Don’t Lose Your Grip on Love” coming out on next month’s Lowe Country tribute album; and the Shook Twins, with their close harmonies and loops by way of the Great Depression. REBECCA WILSON

HEAVY KINGDOM WITH WINO AND CONNY OCHS, MIKE SCHEIDT, AERIAL RUIN (Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) Scott “Wino” Weinrich has the Midas touch. He’s been cranking out tunes since the ’70s, and hasn’t missed a step yet. The list of infl uential bands in the stoner/doom genre that he started or belonged to, grows daily. A couple years ago, Wino joined the ranks of other harbingers of heaviness like Scott Kelly and Mike Scheidt, by trading his full stack and pedal board for an acoustic guitar. He released Adrift, a strikingly powerful acoustic record that features his gruff and grizzled style (mostly) unplugged. The acoustic experiment seems to be successful for Wino. So far this year he pumped out Labour of Love and Heavy Kingdom with German singer/songwriter Conny Ochs. Fans of Wino know that he has always had something political or spiritual to say through his music, and with his new acoustic persona, he seems to have found messages important enough to put subtly, instead of blasted into space on a fuzzed out riff. Just because Wino doesn’t have a couple thousand watts behind him doesn’t mean he can’t be heavy. AW

PATAHA HISS, HEY LOVER, PISS TEST (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) The bubblegum blitzkrieg bop of Pataha Hiss eschews the most familiar element of garage rock—the guitar—in favor of buzzing organ and earthquake bass. With just a handful of chords and tons of attitude, the trio invokes a veritable sugar buzz on their new four-song 7-inch, Dirrty Love, committing a couple pop gems (“Dear Joey,” “Glad to See You Go”) to disc along the way. It’s a super fun record, bound to add some cheeky sleaze to even the most uptight dance party, and the group plays their long-awaited hometown record release show after touring through California last month. Released by the reliable Hovercraft label, Dirrty Love basically zooms out of the speakers ready for action, and fi ttingly, Pataha Hiss’ show tonight is going to be a crushingly good bash. NL

half as energized as Alejandro Escovedo does on his latest record, Big Station. (I’m also hoping for robots.) The Texas songwriter, who cheated death last decade by defeating hepatitis after having already written a lifetime’s worth of great songs, keeps things simple on Big Station, opting for a blaring, big-party vibe on much of the record. The lovely, strumming “Bottom of the World” is excellent fan bait, but the record’s most interesting moments are when Escovedo tests his already spacious boundaries, as on thumping album opener “Man of the World,” which would have been a huge hit for John Cougar Mellencamp in 1985, and slinky closer “Sabor a Mi,” Escovedo’s fi rst song recorded in Spanish. Note that tonight’s show starts at 8, an hour earlier than usual for the Doug Fir. NL

TORCHE, LOZEN, NORSKA (Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) To these ears, Miami heavy rock four-piece Torche is pure ear candy (as opposed to the pure nose candy associated with Miami’s KC and the Sunshine Band). Torche is heavy, and there are hooks aplenty, and the production is as squeaky clean as a goddamn Rihanna single. My 13-year-old self would have prematurely ejaculated upon hearing this band. These current old bones— only a slight variation of my teenage self—likes them, too. They’re what Dave Grohl and his Foo Fighters wish they sounded like: Able to impressively balance melody with metal, pop hooks with punk ’tude, and tongue-in-cheek with heart-on-sleeve—all summed up in the brilliant “Kiss Me Dudely.” ML

TUESDAY 8/14

DREW GROW AND THE PASTORS’ WIVES, SAD LITTLE MEN, PICTORIALS (Ella Street Social Club, 714 SW 20th Pl) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

BRAINSTORM, SWAHILI, SUN ANGLE, DJ SAHELSOUNDS (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

TWIN SHADOW, POOLSIDE (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Brooklyn’s George Lewis Jr. has made one of the most instantly enjoyable albums of 2012, especially if you came of musical age in the 1980s. Twin Shadow’s second album, Confess, is composed of 10 perfectly wrought singles, one after the other—all the more impressive because Lewis produced it himself. He may not look like a geek, but he obviously is one. If you’re one of those people who hears everything but the lyrics, you’d be forgiven for assuming Confess is a sexually aspirational/inspirational album: the thrilling synth swells, the soulful vocals, the fact that every song is directed toward a “you” who is at least as horny as she is rhetorical. The truth is more akin to a cautionary tale, a confession at its core—about hooking up, fucking people over, wanting to change, not being able to change. Being an asshole never sounded better. RW

WEDNESDAY 8/15 DREW GROW AND THE PASTORS’ WIVES, THE DEVIL WHALE, THE ECOLOGY

(Ella Street Social Club, 714 SW 20th Pl) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

CHARLI XCX

SUNDAY 8/12

FILMUSIK: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE: HEATHER PERKINS, CLASSICAL REVOLUTION STRING QUARTET (Washington Park, SW Park) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

ONRA, MATTHEWDAVID (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Paris producer Onra (AKA Arnaud Bernard) fuses advanceddegree hiphop with sexy-mofo R&B like only a hot French dude can. Prepare to drop them drawz. LA beatmaker Matthewdavid has won the heart and mind of Brainfeeder Records boss Flying Lotus with cuts that take post-hiphop maneuvers into trippy, hypnotic zones. Cop his aptly titled 2011 album, Outmind. DAVE SEGAL

MONDAY 8/13

THE MEMORIES, K-TEL ’79, CORAL STABZ (Valentine’s, 232 SW Ankeny) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

ALEJANDRO ESCOVEDO (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Whatever I’m doing at age 61—it’ll be long after the fi nal death throe of print media’s ugly, protracted demise—I’m hoping I sound

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

JACK WHITE, POKEY LAFARGE AND THE SOUTH CITY THREE (Rose Garden, 1 Center Ct) See Music, pg. 21.

ST. JAMES/HANING/DUROCHE TRIO, THE TENSES AND SOFTCORE GIGGLES (Revival Drum Shop, 1465 NE Prescott) Tim DuRoche, jazz drummer and composer of Portland outfi t Battle Hymns and Gardens, is a is joined for an intimate drum-shop performance by two other important fi gures in the improvisational jazz community: pianist Doug Haning and stand-up bassist Andre St. James—who presents a Mingus-inspired sound where tradition is creative innovation through improvisation. The Tenses is an affi liate of Portland’s legendary experimental supergroup Smegma, who have spent decades captivating and/or confusing audiences by using found objects to create scapes where sounds can mingle in an intellectual playground. They’re playing with Softcore Giggles, which must be a joint effort of experimental up-and-comers Soft Core Chess (Alieta Train and John Rau) and Giggles (Madelyn Villano and Train, again), which might involve delicate vocals and violin smashed between electronic samples for you to trip on. Recommended if you like: getting weird. ROCHELLE HUNTER

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 25

26 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 27

august 4-5, 11-12, 18-19,and 25-26 at 5:00pm Cathedral Park--Portland, OR

under the st. johns bridge at n pittsburg in n portland all ages--free sponsored by:

www.trekinthepark.com L AT I T U D E S P D X . C O M

28 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

LIVE MUSIC TWIN SHADOW Doug Fir, 8/14

THURSDAY 8/9 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Dusty Santamaria, Sam Doores & The Tumbleweeds, 9:30 pm ANDINA—Greg Wolfe, 7 pm, free ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Acoustic Village, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Moisture Farm, The Weather Machine, Kyle Castellani, Matt Brown, 9 pm, $5 ★ BACKSPACE—Wimps, Pinkslime, Little Pilgrims, 9 pm, $5, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Kat Jones BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Vanport Drifters, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Alan Jones, 8 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—John Butler, Al Criado, 5:30 pm BUFFALO GAP—Chris Margolin, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Eugetet, 9 pm, free CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Jim Mesi, Steve Bradley, 7 pm CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Counterfeit Cash, 8 pm COUCH PARK—Bobby Torres, 6:30 pm, free ★ DANTE’S—Shonen Knife, The Mallard, Oh Darling, 9 pm, $12 DOUG FIR—Deathtrap America, Lesser Known Characters, Snarl, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; The 44’s, 9 pm EAST BURN—Stefan Andrews, 8 pm, free EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm ★ EDGEFIELD—Sigur Rós, Julia Holter, 6:30 pm, $43, all ages; Laurel Brauns, 7 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Bubble Cats, Better Days, The Pyrenees, 9 pm, $5 GOODFOOT—The Dosumov Brothers, Max Ribner Band GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Piedmont Boys, 8:30 pm, $5 HEATHMAN—Kerry Politzer, 7 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—Into the Woods Quarterly: Pure Bathing Culture, Aan , WL, Shy Girls, DJ Zack, Sister Sister, 8:30 pm, $5 HORNING’S HIDEOUT—Northwest String Summit: Yonder Mountain String Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, 7 Walkers, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Greensky Bluegrass, Jeff Austin, Darol Anger & the Fury, Elephant Revival, Danny Barnes & Scratch Track Gospel Show, The Deadly Gentlemen, Joy Kills Sorrow, Banjokillers, Pete Kartsounes, Fruition, Windy Hill, Tony Furtado, Scott Law, Dead Winter Carpenters, Shook Twins, Student Loan, Water Tower, California Honeydrops, The Blackberry Bushes, Drunken Hearts, Renegade Stringband, Tyler Fortier, Harmed Brothers, $30-155, all ages IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free; Ryan Meagher, 7 pm, $10 JADE LOUNGE—Poeina Suddarth, Annie Dang, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5; Red 40, John Savage, Burn List, Cuong Vu, 8 pm, $10 KELLS—Bill Tollner, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Purple Heart, The Food, Cheap Meats, 9 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—The Northstar Session, 7 pm, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—The Soapmakers, The Shy Seasons ★ THE KNOW—Hot Victory, Haunted Horses, Dead Dawn, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—The Pick Ups, 8:30 pm, free LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Lewi Longmire Band , 6 pm; Sleeper Smiles, The Bottlecap Boys, 9:30 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Matt Vrba MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mo Phillips, Johnny & Jason, 6 pm; Hush Hush Smut Club, Jobo Shakins, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Jerry Joseph & The Jackmormons, 9 pm, $10-12

TINA TYRELL

MOCK CREST TAVERN—Claes of the Blueprints, 8:30 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—The 44’s, 6 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—John Stowell, Rob Davis, 7 pm, $5 OREGON CONVENTION CENTER—Plaza Palooza: The Stolen Sweets, 5 pm, free, all ages ★ PLAN B—Assembly of Light, The Body, Braveyoung, Sioux THE PRESS CLUB—Joe McMurrian, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Chris Baum Project, 9 pm, free RED & BLACK CAFE—Gibbons & the Sluts, Mannynose RED ROOM—E.A.R., Grandpa Shitstain & the Tampon Kickers, The Traveling Goodbye, 9 pm, free REFUGE—Justin Martin, Merchants Of, The Architects, Sappho, 9 pm, $7 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Will Bradley, 9:30 pm ROSELAND—Kaskade, Fareoh, 8 pm, $40, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Barn Door Slammers, 9 pm, $5 SHAKER AND VINE—Carl Solomon, 8 pm SLIM’S—Alexa Wiley & The Wilderness, Rachel Rice, Dan Haley, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Julian’s Ride, 9 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—Peter Murphy, Ours, Michael Shapiro, 9 pm, $25 TED’S—Ten Million Lights, Blue Light Curtain, The Silent Numbers, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser , 9 pm TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free TONIC LOUNGE—Duty, City in Ashes, A Collective Subconscious, 9:30 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Bergerette, Jake Ray, Paul Brainard, Myrrh Larsen , 9 pm WASHINGTON PARK—Wanderlust Circus, 6 pm, free, all ages WHITE EAGLE—Kory Quinn, 5:30 pm; Hivemind, 8:30 pm WILF’S—Gaea Schell, Dave Bones, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 8/10 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—The Tiptons, Battle Hymns & Gardens, 9 pm, $12-15 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Mikey’s Irish Jam Session, 6:30 pm; Fair Weather Watchers, Hannah Glavor, Broken Arm, 9:30 pm ANDINA—Sambafeat, 8 pm, free ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—The 5th Elephant, Say it Ain’t Weezer, The Fashion Nuggets, 9:30 pm, $6 BACKSPACE—Miss Massive Snowflake , The Gutters, Last Prick Standing, 9 pm, $3, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—No Tomorrow Boys, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Tin Silver, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Bolt Upright, 9 pm BLUE MONK—The Waydowns, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Tablao, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Jeni Wren, The Sale, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—King Louie & Sweet Baby James CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ CLUB 21—Gaytheist, Rabbits, 9 pm ★ DANTE’S—Mean Jeans, Guantanamo Baywatch, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—The English Beat, Natalie Wouldn’t, 9 pm, $20-23 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Radio Giants , 9 pm ★ EAST BURN—The Wild Reeds, 10 pm, free ★ EAST END—Hot Panda, Old Light EDGEFIELD—Crown Point, 7 pm, free ★ ENCHANTED FOREST—The Great Idea: Quasi, Typhoon, Love Loungers, Peculiar Pretzelmen, Tango Alpha Tango, Porches, Apeliotropic Orchestra, Rich McCloud, Symmetry/Symmetry , Hustle & Drone, Lone Madrone, Jon Fro, Succulent Dish, Warble Showcase, Coot & Codger, The Builders & The Butchers, Strangled Darlings, Jeremy Crofoot, Hawkmeat, His Name Shall Breathe, 2 pm, all ages

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 29

New Menu - 8 New Burgers

Lunch Specials Everyday Authentic Cuban Cuisine Vegetarian and Vegan Options

DODGEBALL KICKBALL BOWLING & PING PONG REGISTRATION NOW OPEN

Happy Hour 4pm to 7pm Everday & Late Night 1:00am to 2:30am Monday thru Thursday Seasonals on Tap 1308 SE Morrison

WWW.RECESSTIMESPORTS.COM

We are the 99% eat and drink here

30 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

503-232-1259

LIVE MUSIC

Alberta Rose Theatre Thursday, August 9th

JACK WHITE Rose Garden, 8/15

Ghost Stories

Kim Weitkamp WITH

Friday, August 10th

THE TIPTONS

WITH JO MCCAUGHEY

FORD FOOD & DRINK—Josh Cole, 5 pm, free, all ages; Eagles of Freedom, 8 pm, free, all ages ★ GRAETER ART GALLERY—Mojave Bird, 8 pm, free, all ages GRAND LODGE—Festival of Americana: Garcia Birthday Band, Wilkinson Blades, Ryan Sollee, 6 pm, $25 HALIBUT’S—Jim Wallace, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—The Phenomenauts, Prima Donna, The Bloodtypes, 8 pm, $10-12 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Austin Lucas HEATHMAN—Halie Loren, 8 pm, free HORNING’S HIDEOUT—Northwest String Summit: Yonder Mountain String Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, 7 Walkers, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Greensky Bluegrass, Jeff Austin, Darol Anger & the Fury, Elephant Revival, Danny Barnes & Scratch Track Gospel Show, The Deadly Gentlemen, Joy Kills Sorrow, Banjokillers, Pete Kartsounes, Fruition, Windy Hill, Tony Furtado, Scott Law, Dead Winter Carpenters, Shook Twins, Student Loan, Water Tower, California Honeydrops, The Blackberry Bushes, Drunken Hearts, Renegade Stringband, Tyler Fortier, Harmed Brothers, $30-155, all ages ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm; Joe Marquand, 4:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Worth, Ruby Pines, Moorea Masa, Mick Schafer, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Itutu, 8 pm, $10 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—The Anxieties, Thundering Asteroids, 42 Ford Prefect, 9 pm KELLS—Pass the Whiskey, 9:30 pm ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—A Happy Death, Bath Party, Honey’s Dead, 9 pm, $5 KENTON CLUB—Atlas & the Astronaut, Manx, Autronic Eye THE KNOW—Rational Animals, Dente Na Mente, Mass Exit, Rad Habits, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Hank Sinatra & the Atomic Cowboys, 6 pm, free; Shorty & The Mustangs, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Woodbrain, 6 pm; Ruby Feathers, Dirt Floor, The Darlin’ Blackbirds, 9:30 pm MACADAM’S BAR & GRILL—Folk’n Blues, 9 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Floyd Cruse & the Darkstar Band MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Level 2, 6 pm; Three-Fifths of Compromise, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Amber Martin, House of Cunt, 7 pm, $15 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Sneakin’ Out, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Mosby, Dead Remedy, Kyle Castellani, 9 pm, $7 NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm NEW COPPER PENNY—Angel Steel, 9:30 pm, $5 O’CONNORS VAULT—King Beta, Fred Stickley, 8 pm, $6 ★ OREGON ZOO—Roger Hodgson, 7 pm, $48, all ages PLAN B—Noctis, Hallow, Usnea, The Rain in Endless Fall, 8 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Hang ’em High, 9 pm, $5 PORTLAND SPIRIT—Andrew Paul Woodworth, 3 pm, $28 THE PRESS CLUB—Veronica Greene, Emerald Brothers, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—Cinder Cone, For the Lash, 9 pm, $3-5 RED ROOM—Bloodoath, Abash’t, Dead in a Ditch, Blood & Thunder, Blast Femur, 9 pm, $6 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Travis Petersen, 10 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—Sentimental Gentlemen, 6 pm, free, all ages; Whistlepunk, Objects in Space, Wild Bells, 9 pm, $8 SHAKER AND VINE—Rachel Fishman, 8 pm SLABTOWN—The Earwigs, UAV, The Graves of Gehenna, The Translucent Spiders, Vegan Steak Knife, 9 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Tevis Hodge Jr., 9 pm, free ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Future Historians, Toyboat Toyboat Toyboat, Scissors to Tape, 9 pm, $6 THE SPARE ROOM—Juliet Howard, 9 pm, free THE TARDIS ROOM—Cookie Sound, 9 pm

★ TED’S—Champagne Champagne, The Knux, Chicharones, Cloudy October, 9:30 pm THIRSTY LION—Kent Smith, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Dirty Little Fingers, Sonic Temple, The Choices, 9 pm, $6 TOM MCCALL WATERFRONT PARK—Bite of Oregon: Alternate Destination, Finn Dixie, Beltaine, Naomi Laviolette, 11 am, $5, kids under 12 free, all ages TONIC LOUNGE—My Only Ghost, Grand Tarantula, Idle Hands, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Billy & the Rockets, 8 pm, $10 TRADER VIC’S—Tribute to Frank Sinatra: John English TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Ob-Nobs, 8 pm, $5 VIE DE BOHEME—Mitch & Terry Robb THE WAYPOST—Chris Bigley, Miwa Gemini, The Weather Machine, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers , 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Windy Hill, The Nutmeggers, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Ed Bennett Quintet, 7:30 pm ★ WONDER BALLROOM—Franz Ferdinand, Carnivores, 9 pm, $29-32, all ages

SATURDAY 8/11 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Lloyd Mitchell Canyon, 6:30 pm; David Ramirez, Howth, 9 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Find Your Smile, Volifonix, Raksha, 9:30 pm, $5 BACK DOOR THEATER—Bleating Hearts, 7:30 pm, $8 ★ BACKSPACE—Love is Not Constantly Reissue Party: Point Juncture WA, The World Radiant, 7:30 pm, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Matthew Lindley, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—The Nutmeggers, 6 pm; Vanport Sound, Dante Elephante, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Amy Keys, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Tablao, 8 pm BUSHWACKER CIDER—Ed Dennis, 8 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Matthew Santos, 8 pm, $7 CLUB 21—Alarms, P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S., 9 pm COMMON GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE—Bleating Hearts, $8 ★ DANTE’S—Murder by Death, Ha Ha Tonka, Cory Chisel & The Wandering Sons, 9 pm, $15 ★ DOUG FIR—The Tumblers, Ed & The Red Reds, Jake Ray, 9 pm, $8 DUFF’S GARAGE—Nightlife, Tracey Fordice, 9 pm EAST BURN—Howlin’ Houndog & Infamous Loosers EAST END—Mystery Ship, Fellwoods, Avi Dei EDGEFIELD—Justin Jude, Brian Copeland, 7 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Common Dear, Andrea Dawn, Nilika Remi, Annie Dang, 9 pm, $5 FIRKIN TAVERN—Ponyhomie, In Medias Res, Lazy Animals, 9 pm, $7 ★ FOGGY NOTION—Mollusk, Collapsing Opposites, Gang Radio, Rllrbll, 9 pm, $3 ★ GRAND LODGE—Festival of Americana: Water Tower, Sassparilla, Shook Twins, The Moondoggies, Freak Mountain Ramblers, The Parson Red Heads, The Features, BBQ Orchestra, Lynn Conover & Gravel, Nick Jaina , noon, $25 HALIBUT’S—A.C. Porter, 8 pm, free HEATHMAN—Tom Grant, Shelly Rudolph, 8 pm, free ★ HOPWORKS URBAN BREWERY—Biketobeerfest: The Builders & The Butchers, Ramona Falls, Casey Neill & The Norway Rats, Fault Lines , 2 pm, $5, all ages HORNING’S HIDEOUT—Northwest String Summit: Yonder Mountain String Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, 7 Walkers, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Greensky Bluegrass, Jeff Austin, Darol Anger & the Fury, Elephant Revival, Danny Barnes & Scratch Track Gospel Show, The Deadly Gentlemen, Joy Kills Sorrow, Banjokillers, Pete Kartsounes, Fruition, Windy Hill, Tony Furtado, Scott Law, Dead Winter Carpenters, Shook Twins, Student Loan, Water Tower, California Honeydrops, The Blackberry Bushes, Drunken Hearts, Renegade Stringband, Tyler Fortier, Harmed Brothers, $30-155, all ages

BATTLE HYMNS AND GARDENS

Tuesday, August 14th

CHRIS CHANDLER & PAUL BENOIT + KAZUM

Thursday, August 16th

Jesca Hoop

Jesse Harris

Friday, August 17th

LEROY BELL THE X F FINAL ACTOR IST!

& HIS ONLY FRIENDS

Saturday, August 18th

National Flower

WITH

Celilo AND Measure Sunday, August 26th

PETER CASE

Coming Soon

8.19 - BACKYARD BLUES BOYS 8.22 - BROAD COMEDY 8.24 - TONY STARLIGHT’S SALUTE TO NEIL DIAMOND 8.25 - OKAIDJA AFROSO AND SHOKOTO

(503) 764-4131 3000 NE Alberta AlbertaRoseTheatre.com August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 31

Portland Mercury’s Cocktail Compass

It’s like a GPS— for your liver. Now for both iPhone and Android!

32 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

LIVE MUSIC IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Land on Earth, Adlai Alexander, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Devin Phillips, 8 pm, $10 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Proof, No Red Flags , Scheisshosen, Erik Anarchy, 9 pm, $4 KELLS—Pass the Whiskey, 9:30 pm ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Memphibians, Andrew Felts, Surfs Drugs, Log Across the Washer, 9 pm, $5 KENTON CLUB—Mosquito Hawk, Iron Goat, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Pataha Hiss, Hey Lover , Piss Test, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller & James Sasser, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Tree Frogs, 6 pm; Lewi Longmire & The Left Coasters, Bingo, 9:30 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Thee Imaginary Boys, 8 pm; The Limit Club, 9 pm, $5 MACADAM’S BAR & GRILL—The Disappointments, 9 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Soul Vaccination, Jacob Merlin , 9 pm, $10 MISSION THEATER—Redwood Son, Tim Snider & The Sound Society, 9 pm, $20 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Lorna Miller, 4 pm, all ages; AnnaPaul & The Bearded Lady, 6 pm; z’Bumba, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—McFadden Project, 8:30 pm, $10 MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Customer Appreciation Barbecue: Jaime Leopold, Ron Rogers, Rich Layton & The Troublemakers, Greg Georgeson, Throwback Suburbia, Naomi Hooley, Rob Stroup & The Blame, 11 am, free, all ages NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm PLAN B—Meatmen, Therapists, Clackamas Baby Killers, Decapitated by Sperm, 8 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Panther Creek, 9 pm, $5 THE PRESS CLUB—Meester & Meester, 8:30 pm RADIO ROOM—Alberta Street Fair: Sara JacksonHolman, Brothers Young, Kat Jones & the Prophets, Strangled Darlings, Ezza Rose, Safire, Miriam’s Well, Bradley Wik & The Charlatans, Dropa, 12:30 pm, free, all ages RED ROOM—The Embalming Process, Thee Truth, Rizz, Ewok, Parallax , 9 pm, $5 RINGLER’S PUB—Josh & Mer, 3 pm, free, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Matt Vrba, 10 pm ★ ROTTURE—Heavy Kingdom, Mike Scheidt, Aerial Ruin, 9 pm, $10 SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 8 pm ★ SLABTOWN—Pierced Arrows, Suicide Notes, No Tomorrow Boys, 9 pm SLIM’S—Joe McMurrian, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Vocab, Bigmo & J Burns, Jermaine Malone, DJ Eps, 9 pm ★ THE SPARE ROOM—The Satin Chaps, Don & The Quixotes, DJ Drew Groove, 9 pm, $5 STAR THEATER—Peculiar Pretzelmen, 9 pm TABORSPACE—Fingerstyle Guitar Night: Eric Skye, Jamie Stillway, Teja Gerken, 7 pm, $10 THE TARDIS ROOM—Arthur Moore, 8 pm; Daydream Road, 8 pm THIRSTY LION—Ants in the Kitchen, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Rabid Wombat, Tallboy, 9 pm, $5 TOM MCCALL WATERFRONT PARK—Bite of Oregon: Midnight Honey, Noah Peterson , Todd Haaby, Sola Via, 11 am, $5, kids under 12 free TONY STARLIGHT’S—The Tony Starlight Show: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $15 TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 8 pm TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TROUT LAKE COUNTRY INN—Boogie Bone , 9 pm, $5 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Truth Vibration, Reanimated, 9 pm, $3 VIE DE BOHEME—Susan Sandel, 8:30 pm THE WAYPOST—Jake Kelly, The Goat & The Feather, Barry Brusseau, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Laura Ivancie, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Jambox Allstars, Brad Creel & The Reel Deel, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Richard Arnold & The Groove Swingers, 7:30 pm ★ WOLF + BEAR’S (MISSISSIPPI)—Anniversary Party: Renfield, The Gutters, Twin Lens, Bleach Blond Dudes, 6 pm

SUNDAY 8/12 AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Polarization, Mouth of the Serpent, Nemesis, Dusk’s Embrace, 9:30 pm, $5 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages

BACKSPACE—The Breakout Sessions 2012: The Great Train Robbery, Profcal, Bipolar Bear, Tip, Bad Music, Our First Brains, noon, $5, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Doc McTeer’s Medicine Show, 6 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Superjazzers, 8 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Catarina New, 6 pm DANTE’S—Kyle Turley, Michael Dean Damron, 8 pm, $10; Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Pickin’ on Sundays: Dave Depper, Nathan Trueb, Sam Cooper, 3 pm, free DUFF’S GARAGE—Seth Walker, 8 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Jack McMahon, 5 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, 2 pm, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Stark Heroes, End of Agony, Hollywise, Bad Rabbit, Jake Blecker, Death Star Radius, Ozymandias, $11-13 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Whitfield Fahrenheit & the Doomsday Trio, Ghost Town Waltz, Broken Pick, $5 HORNING’S HIDEOUT—Northwest String Summit: Yonder Mountain String Band, Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe, 7 Walkers, New Riders of the Purple Sage, Greensky Bluegrass, Jeff Austin, Darol Anger & the Fury, Elephant Revival, Danny Barnes & Scratch Track Gospel Show, The Deadly Gentlemen, Joy Kills Sorrow, Banjokillers, Pete Kartsounes, Fruition, Windy Hill, Tony Furtado, Scott Law, Dead Winter Carpenters, Shook Twins, Student Loan, Water Tower, California Honeydrops, The Blackberry Bushes, Drunken Hearts, Renegade Stringband, Tyler Fortier, Harmed Brothers, $30-155, all ages JADE LOUNGE—Vanessa Rogers, 7 pm KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm KENTON CLUB—Microbabies, Id, Little Pilgrims, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—Spectral Tombs, Autolatry, Dead By Dawn , 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Ian Miller, Jake Ray, 5:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Freak Mountain Ramblers, 6 pm; Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Saturnalia Trio, 6 pm; Dante Elephante, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Lewi Longmire, Bingo Richey, 3 pm, free, all ages; Onra, Matthewdavid, 9 pm, $10 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 8 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Mary Flower, Spud Spiegel, 7 pm, $8 OREGON ZOO—Melissa Etheridge, 6 pm, $39.50, all ages RED & BLACK CAFE—Reivers, Cower, Raw Nerves, Cursebreaker, Gamut, 7 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—XDS, Hustle & Drone, 8:30 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free STAR THEATER—Kelly McFarling, Lia Rose, Bevelers, 9 pm; Urban Sub All-Stars, 9 pm TOM MCCALL WATERFRONT PARK—Bite of Oregon: Ellen Whyte, Jean-Pierre Garau, Gene Houck, 11 am, $5, kids under 12 free TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Erik Anarchy, Five-O, Act of Sabotage, Reanimated, 9 pm, $5 VALENTINE’S—Good Willsmith, Sombre Reptile, Mary Sutton, 9 pm, $3 ★ WASHINGTON PARK—Filmusik: Plan 9 from Outer Space: Heather Perkins, Classical Revolution PDX, free WAVERLY HEIGHTS CONGREGATIONAL CHURCH— The Portland Sacred Harp, 2 pm, free THE WAYPOST—Chris Pusatieri, Michelle Naka Pierce, Stephen Vincent, 7 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Sale, 7 pm, free

MONDAY 8/13 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Tai Shan, Jeni Wren, Emily Pica, 9:30 pm AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Kelley’s Cabaret: Kelley Shannon, 8 pm, free BLUE DIAMOND—Tom Grant, 9 pm CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Felix Cartal, Matzerath, Bais Haus, 9 pm, $18-22 DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Alejandro Escovedo, 8 pm, $20 DUFF’S GARAGE—Susie & the Sidecars, 6 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, Kathryn Claire, 7 pm, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Salon De Musique: Jaime LeopoldJIMMY MAK’S—Dan Balmer, 8 pm, free THE KNOW—Carrion Spring, Orwell, Speaker Eater, Lamprey, 8 pm

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 33

34 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

LIVE MUSIC LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 4 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Village Jazz Quartet, 7 pm, $5 PUB AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE—Open Mic, 8 pm, free QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 9 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm ★ ROTTURE—Torche, Lozen, Norska, 9 pm, $10 SHAKER AND VINE—Kivi & Pray, Liz Rognes, 6 pm, $5 TIGER BAR—Metal Machine, 9 pm, $2 ★ VALENTINE’S—The Memories, K-Tel ’79, Coral Stabz, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Early Hours, Hunter Paye, Ali Ippolito, 8:30 pm, free

TUESDAY 8/14 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Chris Chandler, Paul Benoit, Kazum, 8 pm, $10-12 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—The Washover Fans, Josh Hoke, Charlie Shaw, 9:30 pm AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—JB Butler, 7 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—Fang Moon, Mechlo, 9:15 pm, $4 BACKSPACE—Barrett Johnson, Jane Wade, David Gans, 8 pm, $5, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Alexa Wiley, 8 pm, free BLUE DIAMOND—Sportin’ Lifers, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free BUFFALO GAP—Open Mic: Scott Gallegos, 9 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Surfs Drugs, Lubec, 9 pm, $3 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Orjazzum, 9 pm, free DIRECTOR PARK—Sneakin’ Out, 6:30 pm, free, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Twin Shadow, Poolside, 9 pm, $15-17 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EAST BURN—Gypsy Moon, 10 pm, free EAST END—Primitive Idols, No Tomorrow Boys, Piss Test, The Bucs, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—The Moondoggies, 6 pm, free, all ages THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Drew Grow & The Pastors’ Wives, Sad Little Men, Pictorials, 9 pm, $8 GOODFOOT—Radula, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Darlin’ Blackbirds, 6 pm, free HI PORTLAND NORTHWEST HOSTEL—Larry Kenneth Potts, free, all ages; Anne Weiss, free, all ages ★ HOLOCENE—Brainstorm, Swahili, Sun Angle, DJ Sahelsounds, 9 pm, $6 THE HUTCH—Open Mic, 8 pm, free IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm; Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, 7 pm JADE LOUNGE—Songbird Showcase: Heather Flores, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Tree Palmedo, 6:30 pm, $3 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—The Secretions, Jabronis, Mr. Plow, 9 pm KENTON PARK—Dr. Theopolis, 6:30 pm, free, all ages THE KNOW—Lecherous Gaze, Age of Collapse, Ripper, 8 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free; Benyaro, Future Historians, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Inspirational Beets, 6 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Family of the Year, The Colourist, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Open Mic Night: Simon Tucker, 8 pm, free ★ MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Denver, 6 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Ron Stephens & Freak Flag Fly, 7 pm, free QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Tom Grant, 8:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 8 pm SLABTOWN—A Happy Death, Static Tones, Tigress, 9 pm SLIM’S—Open Mic, 9 pm, free TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser , 9 pm TIGER BAR—Franco Paletta & the Stingers, 9 pm, $3 TONIC LOUNGE—Bone Dance, Tigon, Habits, Worthless Eaters, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Ayars Vocal Showcase: Bo Ayars, Barbara Ayars, 7:30 pm, $7 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Open Mic Night: The Roaming, 8 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Batmen, Fine Pets, Harsist, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Max Ribner, 7 pm VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm ★ WHITE EAGLE—Béisbol, No Kind of Rider, Foreign Orange , 8:30 pm, $5

WEDNESDAY 8/15 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Suck My Open Mic w/Tamara J. Brown, 7:30 pm, free

AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Jason Okamoto, 7 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—Wintermute, Sleepy Creek, Levi Vargas, 9:30 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Damn Divas, Big Haunt, Siren & the Sea, 9 pm, $6, all ages BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Robert Richter, Marianne Flemming, Margaret Wehr, Jan L. Hutchison, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Half-Step Shy Happy Hour: David Gerow, 6 pm, all ages; Stringed Migration, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Sutton Sorensen, Tim Ellis, Jean-Pierre Garau, 7 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm COMMON GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE—Elenor Ellis, Lauren Sheehan DEPOKOS PIZZA—Open Mic, 8 pm, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Charli XCX, 9 pm, $10-12 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EAST END—Swagatha Christie X, Das Leune, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—The Don & Lindsie Feathers, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Rob Johnston, 7 pm ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Drew Grow & The Pastors’ Wives, The Devil Whale, The Ecology, 9 pm, $8 EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Simon Tucker Group, Giraffe Dodgers, 9 pm HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Sindicate HEATHMAN—Shirley Nanette, 7 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—Wymond Miles, 1776, The Woolen Men, 8:30 pm, $8 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Jeffree White, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 ★ THE KNOW—Silent Numbers, Vibragun, Dry Season, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Quick & Easy Boys, 6 pm; Closely Watched Trains, Timberbound Revival, 9 pm, free LOLA’S ROOM—Paula Fuga, Mike Love Trio, Positive Vibrations, Dos Sorella, 9 pm, $14 MISSION THEATER—Alexz Johnson, Josh & Mer, 7 pm, $10 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, Wed, noon, all ages; My Robot Lung, 9:30 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Crystal Shipsss, St. Even, Amores Vigilantes, 9 pm, $6-8 MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—International Pop Overthrow: The Upper Lowerclass, Flurries, 302, Phamous Phaces, The Contestants, Dave Rave, 7 pm, $10 O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free OREGON ZOO—Pink Martini, 6 pm, $34, all ages PLAN B—Exhausted Prayer, Burials, Stoneburner, Honduran, 8 pm PORTLAND CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS—Music on Main Street: Linda Hornbuckle Band, 5 pm, free, all ages RED ROOM—Open Mic, 9 pm ★ REVIVAL DRUM SHOP—St. James/Haning/DuRoche Trio, The Tenses & Softcore Giggles, 8 pm, $5, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris, 9 pm ★ ROSE GARDEN—Jack White, Pokey LaFarge & The South City Three, 7 pm, $34-65, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Carlton Jackson Dave Mills Big Band, 7:30 pm, $7 SENGATERA—Tsegue-Mariam Guebrou Project, 9:30 pm, free SLABTOWN—Bad Antics, Downstrokes, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Jesse Layne, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Sleepless Eyes, Long Knife, The Two Tub Men, 8 pm, free SUNDOWN PUB—SongWrecker Cabaret, 9 pm TED’S—Flying Fox & the Hunter Gatherers, James London, Rare Monk, 10 pm, $8 ($5 with Jack White ticket stub) TIGER BAR—8 Stops 7, 8 pm, $7 TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony’s Tiki Voodoo Vibes Lounge Luau: Voodoo Vibes Trio, 7:30 pm, $5 TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 6 pm VALENTINE’S—The Steven Lasombres, thelittlestillnotbigenough, The Crossettes, 9 pm, $3 VENTURA PARK—Chervona, 6 pm, free, all ages ★ WHITE EAGLE—Mbilly, Macho Novela, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ron Steen Trio, 7:30 pm, $7

friendly. sounds great. best burger. independent. musician-owned /operated

503.288.3895 info@mississippistudios.com 3939 N. Mississippi

8pm Doors, 9pm Show Unless otherwise noted

Portland rock n roll at its best, an artist with searingly personal songwriting and a riveting live performance

JERRY JOSEPH

AN EVENING WITH

AMBER MARTIN

AND THE JACKMORMONS WED AUG 8th & THUR AUG 9th

$10 ADV

DJ John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig & the Angry Inch, Shortbus, Rabitt Hole) brings the semi-legendary dance party / gay social club revival back, taking over the entire Mississippi Studios complex

MATTACHINE

6:30 Doors, 7:00 Show

FRI AUG 10th

$15 ADV

Feat. DJs spread throughout the entire Mississippi Studios/BarBar complex, the explosive queer dance extravaganza is a not-to-miss 2 year blow-out celebration. Spinning starts at 8pm in BarBar & patio

MRS.

w/ DJ BEYONDA DJ VENUS X BEYONDADOUBT IL CAMINO

$7 before 10pm $10 after 10pm

FRI AUG 10th

Mississippi Summer Sessions: No better for a summertime jam then from our favorite of folk-jamming luminaries

8:00pm - 2:00am

SAT AUG 11th

$5 DOS

Music from esteemed music producer from Paris, France, drawing inspiration from genres such as soul, funk, jazz, modern soul, R&B, and more. The MPC sampler/sequencer is his weapon of choice, recontextualizing sonic histories and mythologies with cool

MATT SHEEHY

ONRA

ALL AGES 3:00-7:00pm

SUN AUGUST 5th TUESDAYS

Celebrated vocalist and comedic performance artist blends music, raunch, stories, movement, and acid-capped comedy with a pristine, multi-octave solo singing voice

FREE

QUIZZY

6:30-8:30

FREE - PRIZES!

at Bar Bar w/ Quizmaster ROY SMALLWOOD LA outfit of indie, dance- and psych-rock, celebrating the summer release of Loma Vista

FAMILY OF THE YEAR

+MATTHEWDAVID

SUN AUG 12th

$10 ADV

Berlin-based artist Jacob Faurholt making lo-fi psych weirdness under the name Crystal Shipsss, performing with the likes of The Black Heart Procession, Efterklang, and Grizzly Bear

CRYSTAL SHIPSSS

ST. EVEN +AMORES VIGILANTES

+THE COLOURIST

TUE AUG 14th

$10 ADV

Seattle based group of intricate and well-orchestrated psych-pop full of catchy hooks and symphonic complexity

KAY KAY & HIS WEATHERED UNDERGROUND

HUSTLE AND DRONE +THE WE SHARED MILK

THUR AUG 16th

$8 ADV

WED AUG 15th

$6 ADV

Melodic rock anthems driven by classically-inspired piano. Check out their latest album The Glass Masses

RAGS & RIBBONS FICTIONIST FICTIONIST

FRI AUG 17th

+VIOLET ISLE $10 ADV

Coming Soon: 8/18 - TEENGIRL FANTASY 8/19 - LADIES ROCK CAMP SHOWCASE 8/19 - SARAH GWEN PETERS (patio) 8/21 - ELENI MANDELL 8/22 - ALL SONGS CONSIDERED 8/23 - KRISTIN HERSH 8/24 - RAYMOND BYRON & THE WHITE FREIGHTER 8/25 - BAND OF HEATHENS 8/26 - THE ALAN EVANS TRIO

8/27 - MOUNT EERIE 8/28 - ADAM ARCURAGI & THE LUPINE CHORALE SOCIETY 8/29 - CATHERINE FEENY 8/30 - VEKTOR 8/31 - JC BROOKS & THE UPTOWN SOUND 9/2 - BRENT AMAKER & THE RODEO 9/4 - THE SALE (Record Release) 9/5 - SUPERHUMANOIDS

Scan this for show info

& free music

www.mississippistudios.com August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 35

SAT 8/11 - SICK BAY DJ’S: SEOUL BRO #1 KING TIM 33.3, MACK RICE - FREE!!! FRI 8/10 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 8/9 - THE DOSUMOV BROTHERS, MAX RIBNER BAND WED 8/8 - PRE-NW STRING SUMMIT PARTY w/ WINDY HILL, LEFT COAST COUNTRY, GYPSY MOON, 4 ON THE FLOOR (doors at 8pm) MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 8/14 - RADULA - FREE!!!

“Suck it, Proust. This book about stuff is much better than those things you wrote.” — GARY SHTEYNGART

WED 8/15 - SIMON TUCKER GROUP, THE GIRAFFE DODGERS THURS 8/16 - KING HARVEST: TRIBUTE TO LEVON HELM & THE BAND FRI 8/17- DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 8/18 - THE WAY DOWNS, EROTIC CITY TUES 8/21 - RADULA - FREE!!!

GOODFOOT 4 POOL T ABLES

5 NEW P INBA MACHIN LL ES

irs upsta aily d open :30 5-2 airs st downn at 9 ope w nights o on sh

2845 SE STARK * WWW.THEGOODFOOT.COM * 503.239.9292 36 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

COMING 8.7.12 www.HowToBeAPerson.com

DJ LISTINGS THURSDAY 8/9 ★ BEECH ST. PARLOR—Al Cisneros, Emil Amos CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—Greyskull CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Maximum Electronica: DJ 808, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—Eye Candy: DJ Danny Norton, 8 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Manchester Night: DJ Bar Hopper, Selector TNT, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ ROTTURE—I’ve Got a Hole in my Soul: DJ Beyondadoubt, 9 pm, $5 SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Jonny Cakes, 10 pm, free THE TARDIS ROOM—Rap Class, 9 pm TIGA—Kev it Up TUBE—Sethro Tull, 7 pm WORKSHOP PUB—Phonographix Video DJs, 9 pm

FRIDAY 8/10 AL’S DEN—DJ Miss Martini, 10:30 pm, free BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Arcadia BEULAHLAND—3M DJs, 9 pm BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—DJ Drew Groove CROWN ROOM—Culture Shock: Chi Duly, Balloons of Haus, Octobers Very Cold, Nathaniel Knows, Illa, 10 pm CRYSTAL BALLROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free ★ EAGLES LODGE—In the Cooky Jar: DJ Cooky Parker, 9 pm ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Northeast Northwest, Michael Lansing, 9 pm, $5 THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Shut Up & Dance: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5 FOGGY NOTION—BENT vs. Bottom Forty: Roy G Biv, Mr. Charming, DJ Nark, 9 pm, $5 GOODFOOT—Soul Stew: DJ Aquaman , Every 14 , 9 pm, $5 GROUND KONTROL—Phasers 2 Stunna, 9 pm, free HOLOCENE—DJ Maxamillion, 5 pm, free JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—Top 40 Freakout: DJ Common Denominator, 10 pm, free JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Mattachine, 9 pm, $7-10 MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ROTTURE—Live and Direct: Rev Shines, Slimkid3, DJ Nature, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Paultimore, 10 pm TIGA—Lord Smithingham TRIPLE NICKEL—Theronious Chunk, Kut Throat, 10 pm, free TUBE—Neil Blender, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—Magnetic, Tape Deck DJs, 9 pm

SATURDAY 8/11 AL’S DEN—DJ Lord Smithingham, 10:30 pm, free AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Whalewatchers BERBATI’S—Music for the Masses: King Fader, 10 pm, free BEULAHLAND—Female Trouble, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Steppin’ Out: DJ OG-1, 9 pm, $5 CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Royal: 3 Kings Edition: Mick Boogie, DJ Evil One, Chase, 9 pm, $5 CRUZROOM—Vnylogy DJs DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, free GOODFOOT—Seoul Brother #1, King Tim 33.3, Mack Rice, 9 pm, Free

GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—DJ Destructo, DJ Chip, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Fifty: A Possible History of Summer Jams, 1962-2012: DJ Arthur M, Bobby Dangerous, DJ Hanukkah Miracle, 9 pm, $5 JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—Discotheque Cosmique: DJ Aurora, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Musick for Mannequins: Tom Jones, Erica Jones, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—MRS., DJ Beyonda, Venus X, Ill Camino, 8 pm, $5 MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu TIGA—DJ Survival Skillz TUBE—Saturdazed: DJGH, DJ Czief Xenith, 7 pm

SUNDAY 8/12 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free PLAN B—Hive Goth Night, 9 pm, free TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Dark Sundays: DJ Josh Dark, 10 pm VAULT—Saved by the Belvedere: DJ 60/40

Happy Hour Specials Everyday Free Pool on Sundays • 92'' t.v • Total Sports Package Serving $2 breakfast from 7am-2pm & 10pm - 2am Kitchen hours (7am-2am) • Bar hours (7am-2:30am)

MONDAY 8/13 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Doug Ferious BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm CLUB 21—Witch Throne GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 7 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free O’MALLEY’S SALOON & GRILL—Heavy Metal Monday: Bozyk, 9 pm STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Blackhawk, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Ramophone TUBE—DJ Matt Scaphism, 7 pm

TUESDAY 8/14 ★ BEECH ST. PARLOR—Jason Urick CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—DJ Dirty Red CROWN ROOM—Triage, American Girls, Anok, AKA, American Me, 9 pm, $5 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm MATADOR—DJ Donny Don’t, 10 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Lift: Broke-N, Colleague, Echoik, 9 pm STAR BAR—DJ Smooth Hopperator, 10 pm, free ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Maxx Bass, Gwizski, Mikie Lixx ★ TIGA—Alina Hardin TUBE—DJ Overcol, 7 pm; Tubesday, 10 pm

WEDNESDAY 8/15 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Honeydripper CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Proper Movement: Stitch Jones, MC Sake One, Ben Tactic, Josh D, Believe, 10 pm, free CRUZROOM—Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio: Pat Kearns, Mark Brachmann THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm ★ GROOVE SUITE—Om Unit, Danny Corn, Natasha Kmeto, Photon, 10 pm, $5-7 GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Labwerx: Mike Gong, Bliphop Junkie, 9 pm, free LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—DJ William The Bloody, 9 pm MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal TED’S—World Music Dance Party: DJ Jason Catalyst, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Adam Bazz TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—Loyd Depriest, 6 pm; DJ Creepy Crawl, 7 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Whiskey Wednesdays: American Girls, 10 pm, free

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 37

CULTURE/ART/PDX

BOOK REVIEW

SMALL PRESS Q&A

Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life and A Field Guide to the Aliens of Star Trek: The Next Generation Release party and fundraiser for the Portland Zine Symposium, featuring live music from Point Juncture WA, the World Radiant, and more; Backspace, 115 NW 5th, Sat Aug 11, 7:30 pm, $5 suggested donation

N 2011, a thin, anonymously written book showed up in Portland’s bookstores. Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life was designed to look like a Choose Your Own Adventure story (the cover boasts a spaceship and ant-warriors), but inside was a brutally affecting memoir about the author’s intense, long-term relationship with Anne, an alcoholic. In stores at the same time was an addictive series of zines, A Field Guide to the Aliens of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Attributed to Joshua Chapman, a troubled seventh-grader, each issue moves forward a year in his life while examining the corresponding season of The Next Generation. Joshua has a lot of feelings about Star Trek, but he also has feelings about popular kids, his possibly crazy mom, and, as he grows older, cutting and Nine Inch Nails. Both Love and A Field Guide were written by a 33-year-old Portlander who wishes to remain (mostly) anonymous. His first name’s Zachary, and I spoke to him over email about telling remarkably affecting stories using remarkably nerdy formats. ERIK HENRIKSEN MERCURY: How’d you come up with the idea for formatting Love as a Choose Your Own Adventure? ZACHARY: A few years ago, a friend asked me to

submit some fiction pieces for a McGriddle fanzine he was making. I wrote a Harry Potter-esque McGriddle erotic slashfic story, as well as a McGriddle Choose Your Own Adventure-style story. People seemed to enjoy them, and afterwards I played around with the idea of doing a largerscale Choose Your Own Adventure-style zine. At the same time, I had this story about my ex that I wanted to tell, and eventually I realized they were a perfect fit (much like pancakes, bacon, eggs, and cheese compressed into one breakfast sandwich). Part of it was by necessity: I hate writing scenes that go on for more than a few paragraphs, [and] this is not a liability in the Choose Your Own Adventure format. And part of it was thematic: dating Anne, I never felt like anything I did had a bearing on her alcoholism, so I decided to convey that feeling of helplessness by making the choices in the book have no impact on what was occurring in the story.

Which came first: The idea to do a story about a sad kid, or the idea to do a field guide to Star Trek’s aliens? Star Trek came first. Three years ago I co-wrote a book called Miami, You’ve Got Style. The book is pictures of every outfit worn during the first season of The Golden Girls, along with commentary on the outfits (which more often than not ended up being about videogames or The Lord of the Rings). After finishing Love I was looking for a project that was more along the lines of Miami, something more lighthearted and humorous, and I started considering Star Trek, another show that I love. One day while biking home from work I was thinking about the Kurt Vonnegut novel Cat’s Cradle. There was a character in it who was a professional indexer who could glean all sorts of hidden information about authors from the way they indexed their books. Which got me thinking about subtext, which got me thinking about kids and how often when they write, regardless of the topic, it will just end up being what they are thinking about at the time. Give them an assignment on the Civil War and if that kid likes dinosaurs enough, they will find a way to talk about the reasons why Abraham Lincoln was like a diplodocus (they are both very tall). So I decided to write it from the perspective of a kid, and from there everything fell into place. For the full Q&A—and there’s way more, and it’s great—go to portlandmercury.com/books.

Cocaine Use Problems? Are you addicted to cocaine and have you used opiates in the past year? A voluntary research study is offering 8 weeks of no-cost treatment. Participation may last up to six months. Compensation up to $765. (OHSU eIRB#7431)

CODA Research For more information: 503-239-8400 ext. 254

38 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Dora: A Headcase by Lidia Yuknavitch (Hawthorne Books)

s an adult, I can’t bring myself to reread some of the books I loved best as a teenager. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is mortifying. Francesca Lia Block’s Weetzie Bat series gives me a deep down, pit-of-the-stomach cringe. (I collected feathers and dyed my hair pink because of those books. ::shudder::) The debut novel from Portland writer Lidia Yuknavitch—who wrote the great 2011 memoir The Chronology of Water—inspired similar feelings of discomfort. But it took me a while to parse whether Dora: A Headcase was making me cringe because its perspective is so nakedly, selfseriously adolescent, or because in writing from that perspective, Yuknavitch’s prose strains for a youthfulness it never achieves. The answer is a little bit of both. Dora is a fictionalized retelling of one of Sigmund Freud’s case studies, about a girl—pseudonym Dora—who fielded the sexual advances made by her father’s friend (“Mr. K”), while her father had an affair with the man’s wife (“Mrs. K”). Yuknavitch re-pots Dora in contemporary Seattle, where she emerges a foul-mouthed, pill-popping 17-year-old who runs with a wild posse of teenaged art-fag miscreants. But the recontextualization only goes so far: Dora’s psychiatrist is named Sigmund Freud, AKA “Siggy,” and his dialogue is lifted straight from

Freud’s writings (“Your inability to admit your jealousy of your father’s lover creates a crisis in consciousness.”). There’s even an appearance by Carl Jung as Freud’s more magnetic counterpart. Dora’s narrative is crammed with references to pills and video art, cell phones and laptops—all the trappings of contemporary teenagerdom. But much of the action takes place in a sort of psychosexual liminal state, where every crack in the ceiling represents a vagina. In the novel’s most loaded scene, Dora laces Siggy’s tea with Viagra; when he checks himself into the hospital because his erection won’t subside, she secretly films the ensuing surgery and watches the footage with rapt, sexual avidity: “When they stick the needle into his cock his face seizes up like his penis might blow fire. I suck in air and clench my hands between my legs…” and so on. Soon, shady media interests begin conspiring to buy footage of Siggy’s surgery—and when Dora’s love interest (a Native American girl who calls herself “Obsidian”) is institutionalized, a weird caper ensues to bust her out. Amid all the symbolic penis-puncturing and high-wire plot hijinks, what’s lost is character: Dora’s friends are thinly sketched oddball clichés, and Dora’s own narration strains credulity. (“By the way, I’ve taken Viagra, and though it’s true if you are a girl it will drop your blood pressure to faint on the floor if you aren’t paying attention, it can make your cum job do loop de loops. They don’t like to tell women that. Typical.”) Where the novel breaks new ground is in its frank descriptions of Dora’s sexuality—has a novel ever featured a teenaged girl explaining that she can almost get off on taking a giant piss? It also captures the electric, rattling-at-the-cages energy of being an unhappy kid: “I hate my twat. I hate my voice. I hate feeling anything about myself. I sprint my ass up to Nordstrom’s.” But this very real energy gets mired in Yuknavitch’s convoluted, Freudbusting conceit. The book’s jacket calls Dora a “chick Fight Club.” But the Portland author the novel really calls to mind is not Chuck Palahniuk—who wrote Dora’s intro—but Tom Spanbauer. Dora shares a poetic, outsider-art intensity with Spanbauer’s great In the City of Shy Hunters; both books are about sexual ambivalence, about creating your own family, about the transformative potential of art. (Also, being best friends with a giant black drag queen.) But Spanbauer’s characters are grounded in a way that Yuknavitch’s aren’t, and his novel of transgressive outsiders finding themselves demonstrates a subtley and control that Yuknavitch’s fiction debut never achieves. ALISON HALLETT

THEATER REVIEW

The Amazing AcroCats

Headwaters Theater, 55 NE Farragut #9, Thurs 7 pm, Fri 7 & 9 pm, Sat-Sun 1 pm, 4 pm, 7 pm, MonTues 7 pm, through August 14, $20, circuscats.com

ummer has turned my cat into a fat, lazy asshole. His range of expression has dwindled to cranky growls and the occasional half-hearted attempt to bite me; it’s only a matter of time until he mauls a neighborhood kid who tries to pet him while he’s lying belly-up and mo-

tionless on the sidewalk. The cats in the traveling circus The Amazing AcroCats really highlight how worthless my own cat has become. Has he ever leapt to death-defying heights at my signal? Ridden a tiny skateboard? Played in a cat band? Has he ever so much as come when he was called? According to AcroCats ringleader Samantha Martin, with just a little training, my cat, too, could achieve such feats of daring—she makes a pitch at the show’s outset for clicker training, a kit for which is conveniently available at the merch table. There are a handful of other animals in Martin’s traveling circus (I won’t spoil it by saying which kind) but cats take center stage, from full-fledged AcroCats to three adorable foster kittens that Martin hopes to find homes for while she’s on tour. (She’s placed five in “forever homes” already so far.) From the kittens to the pros, the feats of cooperation and attentiveness Martin coaxes from the cats are really quite remarkable. For all their training, though, cats will be cats.

Jesus woos, never ravishes?



by Padgett Powell (Ecco) Reading at Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Wed Aug 15, 7:30 pm

ThinkRenaissance.org

themes together, all of which makes a crazy sort of blackout sense. It’s the sort of surreal experience that Powell excels at (see: his 2009 novel The Interrogative Mood, entirely made up of questions to the reader). And its effects are entirely cumulative, building layers of clever turns of phrase and little nuggets of longing and regret. You & Me’s moseying conversation might be familiar to Powell fans, as his work has gotten more surreal over the years. From a 2006 interview in The Believer, where he talks about his story “Manifesto”: “It’s a dialogue between two men who appear to be one man, for the convenience of smooth flux. That is one of the entertaining things about it, to me—a dialogue that is a monologue.” You & Me operates in the same vein, as the two old coots banter back and forth, while their wordplay-chockablock conversation operates like voices in a person’s head, tipsily mulling over the listlessness of life, the loss of a beloved dog, the longing for children, abject horniness, and the prevalence of sugar in the global diet. It’s a delightful little book, that might be right at home being read in palate-cleansing snatches between a beer and a shot on a hot August night at your local dive. COURTNEY FERGUSON

When I saw the hour-long show, one cat took a tour through the audience, scurrying blithely under our seats; another took some serious persuasion before he deigned to play his tiny drum set. “Cats are the most unprofessional animal to work with during a live stage show,” explains Martin, an experienced animal trainer. “They are easily distracted and tend to do things at their own pace, leaving many awkward points I try to fill with humor.” (The show is quite funny, though Martin goes thankfully easy on the cat-lady schtick—no ironic sweaters here.) She recounts an anecdote about a cat aptly named Buggles: “I had trained [Buggles] for a film to retrieve a rubber roach and drop it on a bed. It was a behavior I spent a lot of time training. Once in a venue in Texas, she disappeared under the stage and reappeared with a big live roach in the middle of the show, and continued to frolic with it for several minutes, tossing it up in the air and batting it around. She was having a great time. Half the audience thought it was hilarious and half were mortified, I think. I had to finally grab the roach and toss it in her carrier to get her off stage.” For a complete transcript of our interview with Samantha Martin, see portlandmercury.com/theater. ALISON HALLETT

Jeff is back at the Sea Tramp! 503.231.9784

ARTSHART OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

IT COMES IN WAVES GROUP SHOW • THROUGH AUG 31 WIEDEN + KENNEDY • 224 NW 13TH

MELISSA DOW

F I WERE in the world of theater, I’d reckon on hearing a lot of Padgett Powell readings in my future. The beloved Southern-fried writer has a new novel, You & Me, that’s ripe with juicy, drunken, rambling revelations—bits so good, they’ll be dripping from earnest theater kids’ mouths at audition readings for as long as warm bodies are needed to populate the ranks of A Chorus Line. While much has been made of You & Me’s parody of Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot, it’s first and foremost Powell’s wholly distinctive voice that grabs you by the ear and sets you to laughing at its two main characters. Set in a limbo land somewhere between Bakersfield, California, and Jacksonville, Florida, two unnamed codgers are indistinguishable in their while-aways, while they drink cheap booze and jaw away at each other on a humid porch. It’s not unlike hanging out with your grandpa and his golfing buddy over the course of a summer—if those old gaffers happened to be the Southern goth William Faulkner and the homespun Jimmy Stewart starring in a Coen Brothers film. Their conversation flits from aside to tangential story, threading in and out and weaving reoccurring



You & Me



BOOK REVIEW

No Straight Lines: Four Decades of Queer Comics—A release party for Fantagraphics’ truly excellent new anthology, which surveys the fascinating history of queer cartooning. Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, Thurs Aug 9, 7 pm, floatingworldcomics.com Cycling Sojourner—Ellee Thalheimer’s new book provides instructions for multiple-day, selfsupported bike tours throughout Oregon. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, Thurs Aug 9, 7:30 pm, powells.com Chelsea Cain—Kill You Twice is another macabre adventure between Portland detective Archie Sheridan and his murderous muse, serial killer Gretchen Lowell. Murder by the Book, 3210 SE Hawthorne, Sun Aug 12, 4 pm, mbtb.com Anonymous Theatre—A production of Neil Simon’s The Good Doctor in which the cast has been selected anonymously, rehearsed individually, and perform for their audience without knowing who their co-stars are until they deliver their first line. Gerding Theater at the Armory, 128 NW 11th, 445-3700, Sun Aug 12, 7 pm, $25 Jenny Lawson—Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is the tell-all memoir of the writer better known as the Bloggess. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, Wed Aug 15, 7 pm, powells.com PO RTLAN D M E RCU RY.CO M HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS

skeleton key tattoo 1729 se hawthorne blvd. 503-233-4292

safe, sterile, friendly custom tattoos walk-ins and by appointment

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 39

ARTSCALENDAR

READINGS THURSDAY 8/9 ALAN ARMSTRONG

Racing the Moon is the latest work by the Newberrywinning author about two siblings in 1947 building their own rocket to go to space and the adventures that ensue. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 7 pm

LESLIE MCCOLLOM Preschool Gems is a collection of overheard quotes and stories from the Preschool Gems Twitter feed, proving kids really are just miniature weird people. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 8/10 JACK DONOVAN

The Way of Men author discusses manliness, apes, gangs, and the zombie apocalypse. CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak, 226-8141,

SATURDAY 8/11

12TH ANNUAL PORTLAND ZINE SYMPOSIUM See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Refuge, 116 SE Yamhill, 232-1958, Sat 10 am and Sun Aug 12, 10 am

SUNDAY 8/12

PORTLAND POETRY SLAM Portland’s punk-rock poetry competition tosses eight tender souls into a grinder of verse for a shot at $50 and a chance to represent PDX poetry at its finest. Backspace, 115 NW 5th, 248-2900, $5

TREK IN THE PARK Atomic Arts presents the fourth installment of their annual celebration of Star Trek, adapting the original series episode Journey to Babel. Cathedral Park, N Edison & Pittsburg, Sat-Sun 5 pm, through Aug 26

COMEDY BRUCE BRUCE See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 888-643-8669, Thurs Aug 9, 8 pm, Fri Aug 10, 7:30 & 10 pm and Sat Aug 11, 7:30 & 10 pm, $25-30

THE ED FORMAN SHOW: 7 EDLY SINS A week’s worth of Ed Forman shows, each focusing on one of Forman’s indulgences: women, booze, money, makin’ babies, lookin’ fly, and gambling, with live music from Them! The Band!, and guests including Laura Veirs, Vancouver mayor Tim Leavitt, Nik Sin, and more. Al’s Den, 303 SW 12th, 972-2670, through Aug 11, 7 pm, free

A FANCY NIGHT FOR DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE Chicago-based improviser Adam Higgins, mixing together a history of stand-up with four years of work in the Mission Improvable national touring company to present a one-man variety show, with assistance from the Peachy Chicken improv team. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227, Sat Aug 11, 8 pm, $8-10

HE LIVES! A BENEFIT FOR DODGER

Twenty artists were given 16 pages and two colors with which to express a single idea. Container Corps offers free copies of this first release, as well as some barbecue and drinks. Container Corps, 1322 N Killingsworth, 732996-516, Sun 3 pm

Dodger is a dog who got out of his owner’s yard one night, met someone unkind, and got stabbed eight times. His owner, Portland stand-up Shawn “Boomer” Flack, decided to gather up his friends Nathan Brannon, Don Frost, Belinda Carroll, Andy Schanz, Stephanie Purtle, Scott von Wald, and Gary Jones, and put on a show to help offset Dodger’s vet costs. O’Malley’s Saloon & Grill, 6535 SE Foster, 777-0495, Fri Aug 10, 8 pm, $5

COAL CITY REVIEW

INSTANT COMEDY

SUMMER SIGS SERIES #1

A reading by contributors to the Coal City Review literary magazine, featuring works by Mary Wharff, Margaret Malone, Kathleen Lane, and Colin Farstad. Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 227-5327, Sun 5 pm

BEAR NIGHT OUT

Five comics have 30 minutes to prepare a seven-minute set out of audience-suggested material, to be judged by that same audience in an effort to determine who wears the Instant Comedy crown. Featuring comics such as Ian Karmel, Sean Jordan, Anthony Lopez, and more. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE MLK, 477-9477, Fri-Sat 8 pm, through Sept 1, $12-15

See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 227-5327, free

KIM WEITKAMP

MONDAY 8/13

KATE BORNSTEIN A Queer and Pleasant Danger is a memoir of Bornstein’s journey from nice Jewish boy from New Jersey, to Scientology lieutenant, to Seattle-based lesbian star. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

WILLIAM BRYANT LOGAN Air: The Restless Shaper of the World aims to educate and enlighten readers about the most communicative element of the earth. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 228-4651. Mon 7:30 pm.

Storyteller, humorist, and musician Kim Weitkamp performs songs and stories of a ghostly variety from her latest release, Head Bone Rattles. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, 719-6055, Thurs Aug 9, 8 pm, $10-12

VISUAL ART CLEAR SKIES AND CLOUDY DAYS An exhibition of artworks from Susie Ghahremani, creator of the Boygirlparty line of artwork and products, including drawings, paintings, and mixed media. Land, 3925 N Mississippi, 451-0689, Aug 10-Sept 2

TUESDAY 8/14

DARLENE SCHAPER, RICK AUSTIN

Better Off Without ’Em is a story of the author’s time in the American South, looking for an answer to the question: Would America really be better off without the South? Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

An exhibition of selected works, featuring sculpture of human-animal hybrids made from discarded items from Darlene Schaper, and paintings from Rick Austin. Mark Woolley Gallery, 700 SW 5th (Atrium Building), 998-4152, Aug 9-Sept 30, Sat Aug 18, 5 pm and Sat Sept 15, 5 pm

CHUCK THOMPSON

THEATER CONTINUUM Playwrights West presents Patrick Wohlmut’s play about an astronomer and a mathematician, once friends, now enemies, engaged in a cat-and-mouse game that threatens to upend their lives entirely. CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh, 220-2646, starts Aug 10, runs Thurs-Sat 8 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Sept 1, $20-25

VALENTINE Heretic Opera premieres their original sci-fi opera set in 1958, about a librarian who meets a monster in a dark alley and takes it home to live with her pets. Featuring live music by Bobak Salehi and Seffarine. Vie de Boheme, 1530 SE 7th, 360-1233, Thurs Aug 9, 7:30 pm

JERSEY BOYS The Tony Award-winning Best Musical about Rock and Roll Hall of Famers the Four Seasons, and how they rose to success from the radioactive wasteland that is New Jersey. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, 248-4335, Tues-Sat 7:30 pm, Thurs Sat 2 pm and Sun 1 & 6:30 pm, through Aug 12, $25-69

THEATRE WITHOUT ANIMALS Factory Theatre presents the English-language premiere of eight short absurdist pieces taking different looks at

40 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

our lives, relationships, and conversations with each other. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, $10-15

THE FOSSILIZED PRESENT An exhibition of prints from Jenny Odell, interpreting the inhuman experience borne of modern technological advances. Breeze Block Gallery, 323 NW 6th, 318-6228, through Aug 30

HELLO DARLIN An exhibit of paintings from Jaik Faulk, examining how the cowboy mystique has been appropriated into a fashionable, if mostly impractical, form of self-expression. Nationale, 811 E Burnside, Suite 112, through Aug 31

MATT WAGNER An exhibit of works spanning the career of comics writer/ artist Matt Wagner, including his work on Grendel, alongside various other DC Comics superheroes. Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 241-0227, through Aug 31

WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN A live performance from artist Carlos Gonzalez, designed specifically for the space, exploring the use of stairs as metaphor for achievement or loss of station. Recess Gallery, 1127 SE 10th, 954-579-6105, Fri Aug 10, 8 pm

For a complete calendar of arts events, see portlandmercury.com

Sold Out

The Pink Carpet Project by Marjorie Skinner

FASHION

THE WEEK’S BIG fashion show ben- CAMERON LEVIN efits an organization close to Portland’s heart: Originally launched in Seattle, the Pink Carpet Project is a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood of Columbia Willamette. Organizer Cameron Levin, herself a designer, has put together an impressive lineup of designers, volunteers (including myself and the Portland Monthly’s Eden Dawn as co-emcees), and sponsors. We spoke with her about plans for Thursday’s show and beyond. MERCURY: How did you decide on a fashion show format for this fundraiser? CAMERON LEVIN: When Susan G. Komen announced in early February that they were going to cut funding to Planned Parenthood’s clinical breast exam program for uninsured women, that’s when I felt like I needed to do something. Just a few hours after posting the idea about organizing a designer/volunteer-led fashion show to highlight [the] Seattle fashion community’s support for Planned Parenthood, I had over 100 emails asking to participate. Even though SGK reversed their decision, we still felt like we needed to celebrate and support Planned Parenthood, because the Susan G. Komen controversy wasn’t just some isolated incident; we’re seeing a flurry of legislative initiatives being introduced that compromise women’s healthcare. Expressing support through something visual and compelling like fashion makes sense for me as a designer, but also seems like an effective way to promote a new trend in fashion philanthropy by encouraging designers to proudly embrace Planned Parenthood as their beneficiary when they debut their collections.

ISAAC HERS SAINT ELYNS

ELIZABETH DYE

What was the selection process for recruiting designers? We have been working directly with the amazing staff of Planned Parenthood of Columbia Willamette, [event producer and model] Jillian Rabe, and Eden Dawn to recruit Portland’s fashion designers and develop a line-up of eclectic looks. We have a diverse group, [including] NBC’s Fashion Star Lisa Vian Hunter, Tiffany Bean from Mabel & Zora, and Sharon Blair of Portland Sewing, among TIFFANY BEAN many other fantastic artists. Will this be an annual event in both Portland and Seattle (or combined)? We’d like it to be. The core goal of The Pink Carpet Project is to show that the collective fashion community throughout the Pacific Northwest supports Planned Parenthood. We want to celebrate the work they do in women’s healthcare, education, and advocacy and encourage other fashion communities to do the same. w/the English Dept., Brady Lange, Wandering Muse, Ruki, Ilha Swimweat, Clair Vintage Inspired, Chicago Harper, Reif Hause, Saint Elyns; The Pink Carpet Project, Pacific Northwest College of Art, 1241 NW Johnson, Thurs Aug 9, 8 pm, $20-75, 21+ Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 41

Just down the hill from adidas and overlook neighborhood on swan island in north pdx

42 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

LAST SUPPER

Kitchen Confidential

EAT IT!

Portland, Oregon Chef’s Table: SECRETS REVEALED by Chris Onstad LAURIE WOLF’S new Portland, Oregon quick five-minute deep fry in canola (the bird is cooked through Chef ’s Table cookbook in the confit; the final is a powerful tour of fry is for crisping). Portland’s current resOur legion Pine State taurant scene, dense Biscuits devotees are with household names, awarded with a debeautiful photogratailed scratch recipe for phy, and humanizing the Reggie Deluxe, the profiles of our leading restaurant’s ne plus chefs. Over 70 carefully ultra fried chicken and documented recipes biscuit sandwich; you’ll are drawn from over 60 need your own biscuit Portland restaurants, recipe, but the chicken including several for preparation and saupopular dishes we’ve sage gravy building are seen on menus for years. Far from the annual Jamie Oliver detailed from the ground up (the chicken modeling portfolio—with its handful of in- soaks in buttermilk for two days, so start souciant glug-and-smash guidelines—this wanting this dish well ahead of time). thoughtfully designed volume is replete Recipe Testing with unique, scaled-down recipes that are easy to recreate in a standard home kitchen, A dinner of EVOE deviled eggs (recipe in the online version of this article), Dove Vivi with easy-to-source ingredients. Wolf, a prolific Portland-based food jour- kale salad, and Cheese Bar’s Northwest nalist and graduate of the Culinary Institute Tuna Melt, with Nostrana’s simple panof America, gives nearly equal weight to na cotta for dessert, called for no special sections of Small Plates, Soups, Brunch, equipment outside of a food processor (for making the sandwich’s roast Sandwiches, Large Plates, and Desserts & Pastries, with veg- Portland, Oregon garlic mayonnaise), required Chef’s Table no particular experience or etarian—and even a handful Lyons Press, 2012 strength of technique, and proof vegan—recipes distributed by Laurie Wolf duced solid results. The subtle throughout. There are signa208 pages, $24.95 spice and fragrance of fresh ture dishes one would hope to see in such a work, such as Park Kitchen’s horseradish give the lowly but ubiquitous Flank Steak Salad With Blue Cheese, deviled eggs noteworthy distinction; the Country Cat’s Pecan Spoon Bread, and kale salad, with its sharp and lively lemon, Laurelhurst’ Market’s Roasted Marrow oil, and shallot dressing, is completed with Bones With Basil Pistou, Pickled Shallots, grated ricotta salata (and holds perfectly Capers & Toast (their emptied marrow overnight even when dressed); the albabones make a highly ineffective conduit for core tuna salad (buy the expensive stuff, it’s worth it) becomes grown-up thanks to a a tequila shot—ask me sometime). mayonnaise flavored with fresh herbs and roasted garlic. Less-Difficult Dishes That Sound Impressive Criticisms and Conclusions Olympic Provisions provides a deadsimple recipe for a homemade porchetta— In places where I had hoped for a signature an impressive stuffed, rolled pork roast recipe, a restaurant is occasionally highyou’ve seen on the menu at a half-dozen lighted with a dish outside of their wheelplaces around town—which calls for noth- house. Poor Nostrana is curiously featured ing more than pork belly, ground sausage, not for their pizze or gnocchi, but for a desand four pantry-standard spices that we’ve sert—hardly their focus—and Cocotte’s all got gathering dust next to the garam entry features not a comforting, warm masala. Pok Pok makes Andy Ricker’s French staple, but a salmon mousse, which Yam Muu Krob (crispy pork belly salad) killed all those people in The Meaning of easy for the common cupboard by flat-out Life. In some cases I found the recipes suggesting you buy the labor-intensive needing further clarification: the roasted pork belly from a Chinese barbecue joint garlic mayonnaise for Cheese Bar’s tuna (many restaurants will sell this). A side of melt doesn’t say anything about roasting Garlic Roasted Asparagus With Croutons the garlic (so, naturally, I did the safe thing and Manchego from Le Pigeon puts Gabe and poached it before straining through Rucker’s talent with simplicity and flavor beet-stained cambric), and I couldn’t unmatching in anyone’s hands, for an outlay mold the panna cotta to save my life (six tries, six sloppy piles; perhaps I just don’t of about eight dollars. understand powdered gelatin yet). These are minor quibbles any chuckMore Complex Recipes Spicy Remoulade & Esplette Oil gives lehead will figure out on his own, though, an excellent and sophisticated recipe for and they are quite rare; by and large the remoulade sauce, great for any grilled book is a leading entry in the too-small red meat. For those of us always look- field of Portland-centric cookbooks. Mrs. ing to elevate our personal fried chicken Wolf has created a timely and rich resource technique, two are provided: Beaker & for home cooks both here and abroad, and Flask’s Fried Chicken Legs start with a one which will add appreciably to the home pork fat confit of the legs, followed by a cook’s repertoire.

modern american favorites with a global flair SE Ankeny at 24th • 503-236-4997 • slideinnpdx.com

Happy hours:

Monday & Tuesday all night happy hour

5:30-7 pm nightly and 9 pm until close

MAC & CHEESERY

macand cheese.biz

3936 N Mississippi Ave

FIND RESTAURANTS, BARS, AND READER REVIEWS AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 43

ND ORTLA P L A GIN Y STYLE I R O ENCH FR

AR ND B A T RAN

Come see what Seattleites have known for more than 40 years... With more than 250 performances and exhibits, you’re guaranteed to see the artists you love, plus discover your new favorite. Plan your music and arts adventure, and prepare to fall in love with Bumbershoot. JANE'S ADDICTION SKRILLEX M83

GOTYE

AWOLNATION

M.WARD

TONY BENNETT

MAC MILLER PASSION PIT

FRED ARMISEN

JANEANE GAROFALO JOHN WATERS YOUNGERSHOOT

US AVE

5PM-1:30AM RI/ S AT T• F IGH COCKTAILS N ID ING RV

MON -T H

UR 5P NOW M-M SE

1 NW

6TH

.lehappy.com www

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF 13 ASSASSINS “GORGEOUSLY MOUNTED AND MARVELOUSLY ACTED!” – SALON.COM

BIG SEAN

“MIGHT BE MIIKE’S BEST FILM YET!” – VILLAGE VOICE

KEANE

L OV E

SHARON JONES & THE DAP KINGS

BEST COAST

101 1

AC REˆ P

IT’S OK TO SEE THE LINEUP AND DROOL A LITTLE....

AU EST • 503.226.1258 R E A

HONOR

R E V E NGE

A FILM BY TAKASHI MIIKE

DOUG BENSON

SYMPHONY UNTUXED

THE WRITERS OF FUTURAMA

AND MANY MORE!

DE A T H OF A S A M U R A I HARAKIRI-FILM.COM

PRICES GO UP

NEXT WEEK!

341 SW 10TH AVE (AT STARK ST.) WWW.LIVINGROOMTHEATERS.COM

nd Bevera a l t r ge Po

See the full lineup and buy tickets online:

BUMBERSHOOT.ORG

Locally owned

2100 363-2 50

Soda fountain and bar equipment

44 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

LIVING ROOM THEATERS

EXCLUSIVE ENGAGEMENT BEGINS AUGUST 10!

FILM

They Call Me Wolfpuncher A Wolf vs. Jeremy Renner: WHO YA GOT? by Erik Henriksen

WATCHING THE DARK KNIGHT is a fi lm in which Jeremy Renner punches GROUP C, ALPHA CODE TANGO!”), Legacy makes as much sense as all the RISES a few days before its release was a wolf in the face. Stupidity of the term other Bournes, which is to say none. But a markedly different experience than watching it during The Bourne Legacy aside, it’s easiest to describe Renner’s a solid action hero—angry and dir. Tony Gilroy Legacy as a “sidequel” to the driven—while director Tony Gilroy, who its opening weekend, after 12 Opens Fri Aug 10 Bourne fl icks that starred wrote the Damon Bournes before directdied and 58 were injured in a Various Theaters Matt Damon: Legacy occurs ing the excellent Michael Clayton, continshooting at a screening of the fi lm in Colorado. One sequence in particu- during roughly the same lar—in which masked supervillain Bane timeframe, but thanks to strides into a crowded room and starts Bourne’s shenanigans, the shooting—was nearly impossible to watch. government’s decided to A few days before, it had merely been one wipe out all of its experimenmore scene establishing how eeeevil Bane tal soldiers, including Aaron was; after Aurora, it turned into some- Cross (Renner). Plus, Cross is running out of the meds thing dark and disconcerting. There’s a similar scene maybe a third that keep him all smart and of the way into The Bourne Legacy: A man tough—meaning that unless with a handgun enters a room, blocks its he and Dr. Marta Shearing exits, and calmly shoots everyone he can. (Rachel Weisz) can get him When Legacy opens this Friday, it will more pills, he’ll go all Flowhave been five days since America’s most ers for Algernon. Never recent mass shooting, this one at a Sikh before has a junkie’s quest for a fi x required this much temple in Wisconsin. Legacy can’t be blamed for its timing, parkour. Crammed full of techbut there are few things more effective at making an audience question what they’re nobabble and superfluous watching. Even more so, perhaps, consid- plot (“Blackbriar!” “Tread“BETA TEST THE BOURNE LEGACY Not pictured: Matt Damon. ering how goofy the rest of Legacy is: This stone!”

Political Strategery

My Name Is Elinor Jones, and I Approve This Movie. by Elinor Jones

FILM

ues the series’ blurry, spastic action. (A preposterous motorcycle chase through the streets of Manila is a hell of a thing.) By the time Legacy abruptly ends—feeling less like a fi lm and more like a setup for a new, Renner-centric series—everyone will have received what they signed up for: A super spy doing super things, too many minutes spent considering the appropriateness of blockbusters that echo the evening news, and, as a bonus, Jeremy Renner punching a wolf. In the face.

did during his Dubya-era SNL run, and Galifianakis wears weird sweaters and a fanny pack, just like we like him, and while these well-worn versions of themselves are nothing revolutionary, they still deliver one of the crudest, funniest big budget comedies I’ve seen in ages. This movie will make Tickleshits of us all.

THESE DAYS, if I see an ad for a movie rector of tourism who gets backed by an Think of something worse to punch than with Will Ferrell and/or Zach Galifiana- evil corporation in order to take Brady’s a baby! Ferrell squints and slurs just like he kis, I get an initial feeling of excitement, seat. So Brady punctuates his stump speeches with “Support our then an almost-as-sudden The Campaign troops!” like he’s got Patriosense of dread: I love both dir. Jay Roach tism Tourette’s, Huggins tries of those dudes, but I’m well Opens Fri Aug 10 to shake his childhood nickaware that even when they Various Theaters name of “Tickleshits,” and the happily churn out whatever unfunny crap they want, folks will still line two are perfectly matched in their race to up to hand over their dollars. Thankfully, the dank, soggy bottom of American potheir newest effort, The Campaign, isn’t litical strategery. And though it pains me, I will politetotally phoned in. In fact, it’s really godly refrain from telling you much more damn funny. Ferrell stars as Cam Brady, a four- about where the story goes, because term Congressman from North Caro- the jaw-droppingly horrible twists and lina who is running unopposed for reelec- turns are what make The Campaign so tion—even when he accidentally leaves a fun. But I will say this—you know that wholesome family a dirty voicemail about part in the trailer where Will Ferrell rimjobs, he’s got no fear of losing. Enter punches a baby? He punches something Marty Huggins (Galifianakis), the local di- way worse than that later in the movie. THE CAMPAIGN Almost as many gaffes and pratfalls as Mitt Romey’s campaign!

Seppuku Tendencies

FILM

Unemployment Sucks. Especially for Samurais. by Joe Streckert

BEING UNEMPLOYED SUCKS. You’re tense portrait of near-suicidal desperation. poor, you’re hungry, and you Hara-Kiri: Death In the 1600s, unemployed samurai would solicit money or jobs hate yourself. It’s enough to of a Samurai by performing suicide bluffs— drive one to suicide. Or at least dir. Takashi Miike they’d show up at a castle and ask the threat of suicide. Opens Fri Aug 10 Takashi Miike’s Hara-Kiri: Living Room Theaters the lord for the honor of committing ritual suicide in the courtDeath of a Samurai is a remake of the 1962 classic Harakiri, and it’s a yard. The lord, not wanting a scene on his

hands, would either offer the samurai money or a job so as to not have his yard suddenly sullied with fresh, hand-sliced ronin. Hara-Kiri is at its best when it resembles a game of chicken: Two desperate samurai bluff about how they wish to kill themselves, but then a noble house actually accepts their offer. When the movie is about who’s going to blink fi rst, it succeeds wonderfully. (A tense scene involving a certain bamboo object is reminiscent of Miike’s horrifying exercise in intimate pain, Audition.) While the middle section drags (it’s a

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

flashback that fleshes out the motivations of the two main characters, and it boils down to “they’re poor and desperate”), the ending is such an effective gut-punch that it makes up for the bloated middle. One unavoidable problem with the movie, though, is the 3D: It’s distracting and wholly unnecessary, and several times throughout the film I took the dark glasses off so I could see the vibrant colors and beautiful sets better, albeit with a slight blur. If you’re going to see samurai play chicken, see them do it in 2D. August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 45

FILM SHORTS

STRANGE DAYS 48-HOUR FILM PROJECT The best of Portland’s entries from the 48-Hour Film Project, in which teams of local filmmakers had a scant two days to create a film. More info: 48hourfilm.com/ Portland. Hollywood Theatre.

★ BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD I’ll let you in on a secret: Writing negative reviews is pretty easy. Every doofy plot twist and bungled CG jumpkick pulls you out of the moviegoing experience, allowing you plenty of time to compose elaborately mean puns for your headline. It’s harder to review a movie when it succeeds—and I mean really succeeds, in that it draws you in completely. The surreal, fantastic Beasts of the Southern Wild is that kind of movie: You may leave the theater conflicted and even confused, but you won’t be thinking about anything else while you’re watching it. BEN COLEMAN Century Clackamas Town Center, Cinema 21, Kiggins Theatre.

Three men, brought together for a funeral, “come to terms with their capacity for betrayal and desire for revenge.” Like Klingons! Clinton Street Theater.

★ THE CAMPAIGN See review this issue. Various Theaters.

THE ROUND UP

★ DEAD ALIVE The classic, funny, gory horror flick—made by Peter Jackson before he had CG and unlimited budgets. Beware the Sumatran Rat-Monkey. Hotel deLuxe

Dano kaZan banDeras bening

“A magical, Modern-day love story, one with razor-sharp edges and a tender heart.” “IngenIous and delIghtful... Zany and sweet.”

AN EVENING WITH LEIF PETERSON

The Portland filmmaker shows off Earth and Eden, two recent films “based on the creation mythology of the Bible.” Director in attendance. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ EXCALIBUR See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Laurelhurst Theater.

FAT, BALD, SHORT MAN Antonio Farfán is in a tough spot: he has no luck with women, his brother is an asshole, he gets picked on at work, and he’s cripplingly shy. In the animated Fat, Bald, Short Man, he must look into himself to figure out how to stand up for himself. Though the animation is sometimes nauseating and the story is slow to start, the themes are all too relatable. ZIBBY PILLOTE Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ FILMUSIK See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Washington Park.

THE FINGER Democracy is a really amazing thing: It breeds powerhungry men in suits and can allow anyone to be elected into office—even a severed finger. In Sergio Teubal’s subtle, fresh political satire The Finger, a small pueblo in Argentina faces a mayoral race in the midst of its upgrade from village to town. In the midst of murder and competition, two brothers face off against the corrupt Don Hidalgo (Gabriel Goity) for the title of mayor. ZIBBY PILLOTE Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ HARA-KIRI: DEATH OF A SAMURAI See review this issue. Living Room Theaters.

HOPE SPRINGS A creaky old couple (Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones) decide to undergo a week of counseling with a renowned therapist (Steve Carrell). Your mom is going to love this thing. Various Theaters.

★ JIM HENSON’S LEGACY See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17, and hollywoodtheatre.org. Hollywood Theatre.

PORTLAND_RBS_0810

CALL THEATRE OR CHECK DIRECTORY FOR SHOWTIMES

eXClusIve engageMents noW PlayIng BEAVERTON Cinetopia Progress Ridge 14 (503) 597-6900

PORTLAND Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10 (800) FANDANGO #327

TIGARD Regal Bridgeport Village Stadium 18 & IMAX (800) FANDANGO #1728

VANCOUVER Regal City Center Stadium 12 (800) FANDANGO #432

REDLEGS

THE BOURNE LEGACY

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

Paul Zoe antonio annette

★ THE QUEEN OF VERSAILLES Documentarian Lauren Greenfield got career-definingly lucky with The Queen of Versailles. When she began making a movie about the construction of the largest house in America—a 90,000-square-foot monstrosity designed by time-share mogul David Siegel and his wife Jackie—Greenfield inadvertently secured herself a frontrow seat to the Siegels’ plunge from mindless excess to fiscal uncertainty when the financial crisis wiped out most of David’s assets. As head of the world’s most successful time-share operation, David made his fortune selling poor people the illusion of wealth, two weeks a year at a time. As his son puts it, “Everyone wants to be rich. If they can’t be rich, the next best thing is to feel rich.” And the third best thing is to watch tacky rich people lose all their money and have to put their kids in public school. ALISON HALLETT Fox Tower 10.

★ MOONRISE KINGDOM Wes Anderson, god bless him, just keeps making Wes Anderson movies. As expected, Moonrise Kingdom is mannered, precious, nostalgic, and twee—and it’s also about as good a movie about childhood as an adult is capable of making. ALISON HALLETT Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Mall 8.

In 1942 France, Nazi collaborators round up 13,000 Parisian Jews, including 4,000 children. The feel-good movie of the year! Living Room Theaters.

★ SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED Until the dark day of I Can Has Cheezburger: The Movie!, Safety Not Guaranteed will stand—as far as I can tell—as the only motion picture inspired by an internet meme. While its origins make Safety Not Guaranteed sound slight and disposable—a few steps above Battleship in Hollywood’s “Oh shit, what else can we turn into a movie?!” descent—the difference is that Safety Not Guaranteed is both staunchly independent and very, very good. Funny and sad and sweet and clever, it’s a film that transcends its roots to become—and I know we’re only halfway through 2012, but fuck it—one of the best films of the year. ERIK HENRIKSEN Hollywood Theatre. ★ THE STORY OF FILM: AN ODYSSEY Mark Cousins’ amazing 15-hour survey of cinema history aims to draw a clear chronology from the invention of rolled film and projection to the onset of 21st-century digital cinema whilst exploring everything in between. In doing so, Cousins circles the globe in search of films and filmmakers who never got their dues. The Story of Film is addictive, and the Northwest Film Center has thankfully spaced the five three-hour-long episodes over multiple weeks. JAMIE S. RICH Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. ★ STRANGE DAYS The 1995 Kathryn Bigelow/James Cameron cyberpunk flick, in which people in the distant future of 1999 can jack into each others’ memories. It’s crazy! Fifth Avenue Cinema.

THE SUN LEGEND OF THE END OF THE TOKUGAWA ERA Yuzo Kawashima’s 1957 comedy. Yuzo Kawashima was not into the whole brevity thing. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

TALES OF DELL CITY, TEXAS A documentary about the meager town of Dell City, Texas, consisting of vignettes made with the assistance of Dell City’s remaining residents. Clinton Street Theater.

TOTAL RECALL It lacks the bloody, bug-eyed lunacy of Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall, but this one—directed by Underworld and Live Free or Die Hard’s Len Wiseman—is both a lot of fun and a lot better than it needs to be. There are nods to Verhoeven’s film, but for the most part, Wiseman and screenwriters Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback are content to dole out loads of splashy, spazzy action, craft dizzying, gorgeous futurescapes (Wiseman cleverly blends the visuals of two other loosely-inspired-by-Dick films, Blade Runner and Minority Report), and to let Colin Farrell be all Jason Bourne in the Year 2084. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY AUGUST 10-THURSDAY AUGUST 16, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

46 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

MOVIE TIMES LISTINGS ARE GOOD FRIDAY- THURSDAY, AUGUST 10-16 UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. MOVIE TIMES ARE UPDATED DAILY AT

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

Downtown Fifth Avenue Cinema 510 SW Hall, 725-3551

Strange Days Fri-Sat 7, 9:30; Sun 3

Fox Tower 10

846 SW Park, 800-326-3264

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Fri (12:20, 3:20); Sat (12:20); Sun-Thurs (12:20, 3:20) The Bourne Legacy Fri-Sat (12, 12:50, 2:45, 3:15), 4:20, 5:30, 6:45, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 9:30, 10, 10:30; SunThurs (12, 12:50, 2:45, 3:15), 4:20, 5:30, 6:45, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 9:30, 10 Brave Fri-Thurs (12:25) Farewell, My Queen Fri-Thurs (12:45), 9:50 Hope Springs Fri-Thurs (12:15, 2:25, 2:55), 4:50, 5:20, 7:05, 7:35, 9:25 Moonrise Kingdom Fri-Thurs (12:35, 2:40), 4:45, 7:10, 9:35 The Queen of Versailles Fri-Thurs (12:10, 2:20), 4:40, 7, 9:20 Ruby Sparks Fri-Thurs (12:30, 3:10), 5:25, 7:40, 9:55 To Rome With Love Fri-Thurs (12:05, 2:30), 4:55, 7:20, 9:45

Hotel deLuxe

729 SW 15th, 219-2094

Dead Alive Thurs 8

Living Room Theaters 341 SW 10th, 971-222-2005

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry Fri-Thurs 11:35, 2:50, 5, 7:40, 9:55

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai Fri-Thurs 1:30, 4:10, 6:50, 9:35

Magic Mike Fri-Thurs 11:30, 2, 4:40, 7:05 Prometheus 3D Fri-Thurs 11:25, 1:50, 9:30 The Round Up Fri-Thurs 12, 1:20, 4, 6:40, 9:20 Savages Fri-Thurs 4:30, 7:15, 9:50 Take This Waltz Fri-Thurs 4:50, 9:45 Your Sister’s Sister Fri-Thurs 12:10, 2:40, 7:30

Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium 1219 SW Park, 221-1156

An Evening with Leif Peterson Sun 7 (director in attendance)

Fat, Bald, Short Man Wed 7 The Finger Tues 7 The Story of Film: An Odyssey Fri 7; Mon 7 The Sun Legend of the End of the Tokugawa Era Sat 7

Washington Park 400 SW Kingston

Filmusik: Plan 9 from Outer Space Sun Dusk (free)

Northeast Hollywood Theatre 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215

48-Hour Film Project Wed-Thurs 7, 9:30 The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Fri 6:45; Sat-Sun 2, 6:45; Mon-Thurs 6:45 Breaking Bad Sun 10

Jim Henson’s Legacy Fri 7:30, 9:30; Sat-Sun 3:30,

Men in Black 3 Fri 4, 9:40; Sat-Sun 1:30, 4, 9:40; MonThurs 9:40

Monsieur Lazhar Fri-Thurs 7:30 Seeking a Friend for the End of the World FriThurs 9

Snow White and the Huntsman Fri 9:30; Sat-Sun

Bankruptcy attorney

Lloyd Mall 8

www.kellybrown.com

15 Lloyd Center, 800-326-3264

The Amazing Spider-Man 3D Fri-Thurs (12:15), 6:25 Arthur Tues-Wed (10 am) The Avengers Fri-Thurs (12), 6:10 The Campaign Fri-Thurs (12:25, 3:30), 6:35, 9:15 The Dark Knight Rises Fri-Thurs (1:15), 5:30, 8:55 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days Fri-Thurs (12:30,

Wed 2:30, 7:45; Thurs 2:30

Laurelhurst Theater 2735 E Burnside, 232-5511

Bernie Fri-Sun 4:30, 7:15; Mon-Thurs 7:15 The Cabin in the Woods Fri-Sun 4:10 Excalibur Fri-Thurs 9:15 The Hunger Games Fri 6:30; Sat-Sun 1, 6:30; Mon-

We are a debt relief agency. We help people file for bankruptcy under the Bankruptcy Code. 520 SW Yamhill · Suite 420 · Portland 97204

9:30

The Smurfs Tues-Wed (10 am) Ted Fri-Thurs (3:25), 9:25 Total Recall Fri-Thurs (12:20, 3:20), 6:20, 9:10 The Watch Fri-Thurs (3:05), 9:20

Southeast Academy Theater 7818 SE Stark, 252-0500

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Fri-Thurs 12, 4:30, 9

Bernie Fri-Thurs 2:15, 6:45 Breaking Bad Sun 10 The Hunger Games Fri-Sat 4:20, 9:30; Sun 4:20; MonThurs 4:20, 9:30

Men in Black 3 Fri-Thurs 11:50, 2:05, 7:15 The Pirates! Band of Misfits Fri-Thurs 12:25, 5 Snow White and the Huntsman Fri-Thurs 2:25, 7, 9:40

Avalon

3451 SE Belmont, 238-1617

Dark Shadows Fri-Thurs 5 The Hunger Games Fri-Thurs 12, 4:25, 8:55 Men in Black 3 Fri-Thurs 12:30, 2:30, 7 Snow White and the Huntsman Fri-Thurs 2:40, 7:10, 9:30

Bagdad Theater

3702 SE Hawthorne, 225-5555

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Fri 8:05; Sun 8:55; Tues-Thurs 8:55

Portland’s Historic non-Profit tHeatre

enter taining Por tl and since 1926

The Hunger Games Sat 9:30; Sun 2, 6 Snow White and the Huntsman Fri 5:10; Tues-Thurs 6

Cinemagic

2021 SE Hawthorne, 231-7919

The Dark Knight Rises Fri-Sat 2, 5:30, 8:45; Sun-Thurs 5:30, 8:45

Clinton Street Theater 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899

Redlegs Fri-Thurs 9 Tales of Dell City, Texas Fri-Thurs 7

Milwaukie Cinemas 11011 SE Main, 653-2222

The Avengers 3D Fri-Thurs (4:40) The Avengers Fri-Thurs (11:30 am), 7 Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax 3D Fri-Thurs (11:15 am) The Hunger Games Fri-Thurs (4:25), 9:10 Men in Black 3 Fri-Thurs (2:45) Men in Black 3 3D Fri-Thurs (12:50), 7:15 Snow White and the Huntsman Fri-Thurs (2:05), 9:35

Northwest Cinema 21

Homegrown DocFest Fri 8:30

Sun 12:30, 5:30; Mon-Wed 5:30

Bankruptcy attorney since 1983 evening and weekend appointments

3:15), 6, 9

Kennedy School

Snow White and the Huntsman Fri-Mon 7:45; Tues-

503·224·4124

Moonrise Kingdom Fri-Thurs (12:05, 3:10), 6:30, 9:05 Nitro Circus: The Movie 3D Fri-Thurs (12:10, 3), 6:05,

Beasts of the Southern Wild Fri 4:30, 7, 8:55; SatSun 2, 4:30, 7, 8:55; Mon-Thurs 4:30, 7, 8:55

Katy Perry: Part of Me Fri-Mon 3 Men in Black 3 Fri 5:30, 10:20; Sat 12:30, 5:30, 10:20;

Kelly K. Brown

1:15, 9:30; Mon-Thurs 9:30 Your Sister’s Sister Fri 4:40, 7; Sat-Sun 1, 4:40, 7; Mon-Thurs 7

7:30, 9:30; Mon-Tues 7:30, 9:30 Prometheus Fri 9:10; Sat-Sun 4:20, 9:10; Mon-Thurs 9:10 Safety Not Guaranteed Fri 9:20; Sat 5, 9:20; Sun 5; Mon-Thurs 9:20 To Rome With Love Fri 7:10; Sat-Sun 2:15, 7:10; MonThurs 7:10 5736 NE 33rd, 249-7474

LOW-COST BANKRUPTCY FREE CONSULTATION

616 NW 21st, 223-4515

Mission Theater

1624 NW Glisan, 223-4527

4122 NE SaNdy BoulEvard

EVENT HOTLINE: (503) 493-1128

ThE hollyWood ThEaTrE NoW SErvES BEEr & WiNE. all agES STill adMiTTEd!

MUPPETS, MUSIC & MAGIC:

JIM HENSON’S LEGACY SEvEN COLLECTIONS fEATUrING rArITIES frOM THE HENSON vAULTS

AUGUST 10–14, 2012 www.HollywoodTheatre.org for complete schedule

THIS SERIES IS PRODUCED BY THE JIM HENSON LEGACY AND THE BROOKLYN ACADEMY OF MUSIC. TOUR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IRENA KOVAROVA. FILM AND PROGRAM NOTES COURTESY OF THE JIM HENSON LEGACY™ & © 2012 THE JIM HENSON COMPANY. JIM HENSON’S MARK & LOGO, CHARACTERS AND ELEMENTS ARE TRADEMARKS OF THE JIM HENSON COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. MUPPET, MUPPETS AND THE MUPPETS CHARACTERS ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS OF DISNEY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. © 2012 DISNEY.

See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

w w w .H o l l y

w o o d T H e a T r e . org

Thurs 6:30

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 47

SAVAGE LOVE

The Milf and Me by Dan Savage DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for the next two weeks. This week’s column features three recent Savage Love Letters of the Day. (The SLLOTD goes out to folks who have the Savage Love app for iPhone and Android.) I hope everyone is having a great summer, and I’ll see you in two weeks. —Dan I’m 16 and I like my friend’s mom who is 35. She’s married and has two kids. But I really like her. What should I do? Help One Really Needy Youth

The HUMP! 2012 deadline is October 5! This year’s extra credit is:

• Sweater-vests! • Lesbian sex! • Packing peanuts!

thestranger.com/hump 48 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

Here’s what you shouldn’t do: You shouldn’t say anything—not to your friend, not to your friend’s mother—and you certainly shouldn’t try anything. Here’s what you should do: You should masturbate about your friend’s mom just as much as you like—and you should take the advice I gave another horny 16-year-old boy a couple of months back (this one happened to be gay, but the advice still applies): “Worry less about getting your 16-year-old self laid and more about getting your 20-year-old self laid. Get out of the house and do shit, get books and read shit, volunteer for a political organization and change shit. You’ll have more boys to choose from in a few years and be a more interesting, informed, and attractive guy thanks to all that doing, reading, and volunteering. Beat off in the interim, of course, but remember to vary your masturbatory routine (left hand, right hand; fi rm grip, soft touch; with toys, without; lots of lube, just a drop; etc.), and try to cultivate your own erotic imagination. (Translation: Don’t jerk off to internet porn exclusively; use your imagination once in a while.)” Lots of straight boys your age have crushes on their friends’ mothers, and lots of men had the same kind of crush at your age. It’s a great fantasy, HORNY, one that fuels entire porn genres. But the potential benefits—a few orgasms for you and maybe one for your mom’s friend (if you’re any good at this sex stuff, and, at 16, you most certainly are not any good at this sex stuff… yet! You will be one day!)— aren’t worth the potential costs. A destroyed friendship, a broken family, and, depending on age-of-consent laws where you live, a long prison term for your friend’s mom—those are high prices to pay for a few lousy orgasms. And that’s assuming your friend’s mom is even interested, which she almost certainly is not. So beat off about her, HORNY, to your part’s content. Then go do shit, go read shit, and go volunteer and change shit. You’ll meet girls, some closer to your own age, and you’ll be a more interesting, fuckable dude for all that doing, reading, and changing. I have a boyfriend of two years. At the beginning of our relationship, I caught him cheating on me. Not physically cheating, but he was talking to girls and they would send him pics. We worked everything out and now we trust each other. But a few weeks ago, I caught him watching porn. He doesn’t know. It doesn’t bother me that much, but I was wondering if it could lead to him cheating on me again? Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone All men watch porn. Some lie and claim they don’t, some are so stealthy they never get caught, but all men watch porn. If watching porn led to cheating, SFTSLAFiP, then all men would cheat. But not all men cheat. So we can safely say that porn viewing doesn’t cause men to cheat. Because all men watch porn. But not all men cheat. Thank you for playing Savage Love. (Okay, okay: A handful of men don’t watch porn. But their numbers are so small that the average girl’s chances of ever meeting a non-porn-watching guy—let alone dating

one—are so small that we don’t need to factor them into our equation.) My girlfriend and I are loyal listeners/readers. Our kinks fit together beautifully, she’s accepting of being monogamish, and we have an amazing time in bed and out. The only catch is her best friend and roommate, who she used to date. Before they moved in together, the best friend demanded that every Sunday night be reserved for the two of them to hang out. Okay, fine, everyone deserves a night without their SO. But after they moved in together and saw each other every day, the practice continued. The ex complains when I spend the night with my girlfriend at her new digs. After the move, I was taking my girlfriend out on a date when she got a text from the ex asking where she was and why she wasn’t home yet. My girlfriend got so upset, we had to call off the date and I took her home to the roommate. I’m trying to be patient with what looks like controlling behavior, but it’s incredibly frustrating to think I could lose this amazing girl if/when her ex decides to issue an ultimatum. I’m head over heels for this girl, and I don’t want to come between her and her best friend. But it’s really hard to bite back observations about her roommate’s hypocrisy (her lovers practically move in). I don’t want to turn into a resentful jerk who makes my girlfriend stressed and unhappy, but the conflicts with her JOE NEWTON roommate (that I tend to bring on) are already causing her stress. Am I just being overly sensitive to the roommate’s behavior and should I chill the fuck out, or is it a red flag that this otherwise perfectly awesome relationship isn’t likely to have legs? Frustrated Lady Your girlfriend is gonna have to decide who’s more important to her: her current girlfriend or her ex-girlfriend. And she’s gonna have to decide which feelings are more important to her: her current girlfriend’s feelings or her exgirlfriend’s feelings. But those might not be decisions she has to make right now. You don’t say how long you two have been together, and that’s an important detail. You can’t expect to come first if you’ve been dating this girl for only a few weeks or months. It’s generally a bad sign—a sign of emotional immaturity— when a person puts a brand-new girlfriend/boyfriend first; it’s an even worse sign when a new/ newish girlfriend/boyfriend demands to be put first. Dating is about discovery: You spend time with a person to determine if they’re the one you want to put first “for the rest of your life.” (In theory, anyway.) During this trial period—the time that falls between a first meeting and a joint decision to make a more serious commitment— your girlfriend’s close friends, family members, and even her manipulative ex may have a stronger and more legitimate claim on her time and attention than you do. So if it’s been less than 12 weeks, FL, then I would say your girlfriend’s willingness to prioritize her creepily controlling ex could be excused. But if you’ve been dating for longer than three months, if you two are very serious about each other, and your girlfriend still abandons you whenever her ex snaps her fi ngers… well, that’s a very bad sign. Your girlfriend may have a serious and seriously dysfunctional emotional entanglement with an ex. If that’s the case, FL, I see confrontations, ultimatums, tears, broken leases, and other dramas coming your way over the next three to six months. Decide now if your current girlfriend is worth the grief. Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

I♥TELEVISION

™

Weenie Dog Week

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey [HEY GUYS! I’m taking Shark Week off, so here’s last year’s Shark Week column with updated Shark Week details. Enjoy your Shark Week!—Humpy] Look, I have nothing against Shark Week, the annual weeklong tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep. HOWEVER! The Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—the weenie dog. DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, far more dangerous, and here’s my three-pronged proof: Proof One! Unless you’re that dick Aquaman, how much time do you spend in the ocean? Twenty minutes a year tops? Comparatively, how many times a year do you pass a weenie dog? Maybe 125? Therefore your ankle’s chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than an attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but it’s nonetheless scientifically sound.) Proof Two! Weenie dogs are the worst. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There’s only one weenie dog race I love... and that’s when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It’s HILARIOUS!! (Racists racing are always funny. I can still hate them, though.) Proof Three! Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it’s usually because they’re starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people’s ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person’s ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamondencrusted robots that will eventually teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat

JEREMY EATON

feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!! That being said, Discovery Channel does not have a “Weenie Dog Week,” it has a “Shark Week”—so we’ll just have to be satisfied with a week devoted to a less frightening, less violently bonkers animal. Here are a few highlights: Air Jaws Apocalypse (Sun Aug 12, 9 pm). You thought last year’s Ultimate Air Jaws was apocalyptic? Check out Air Jaws Apocalypse in which documentary fi lmmakers swim with the air-hopping great whites as these killers plot their cunning plan to destroy and eat the earth! (Or something like that.) Sharkzilla (Mon Aug 13, 9 pm). Designers and scientists come together to recreate and build the ancient monster shark megalodon—this actual-working giganto-shark will then surely escape, and murder and eat the earth. (Or something like that.) How Jaws Changed the World (Tues Aug 14, 9 pm). A documentary about how Steven Spielberg’s Jaws not only led to a wholesale slaughter of sharks, but ultimately their conservation. We know the rest of the story… their brains grew to three times their normal size, they learned how to use guns and Facebook, and then they took over the earth. And ate it. (Or something like that.)

Portland

503.299.9911 Salem

503.689.8080

FREE to listen & reply to ads! FREE CODE: Portland Mercury For other local numbers call:

1-888-MegaMatesTM

This Week on Television THURSDAY, AUGUST 9

9:00 ABC WIPEOUT A special “hillbilly wipeout” edition, which means super-duper extra hilarity! 12:30 am TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL Season premiere! The absolutely excellent comedy series returns… with Jon Hamm as the hospital’s founder?!?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG! Season finale! Guest starring “Weird Al” Yankovic and his comic Hawaiian shirt.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11

10:00 BBCA THE NERDIST It’s a tribute to “nerd girls”—without whom there would never be nerd babies. 11:00 COM JEFF ROSS ROASTS AMERICA The very funny comedian in a stand-up special. Prepare to be insulted.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12

MONDAY, AUGUST 13

8:00 FOX HOTEL HELL Debut! Hell’s Kitchen’s Gordon Ramsay takes a break from restaurants and tries to fix (and grievously insult) troubled hotels. 8:00 NBC STARS EARN STRIPES Debut! Pampered celebs learn what it’s like to become a soldier. Sorry, they’re not allowed to kill terrorists.

WHY WAIT – Hookup TONIGHT! FREE TO TRY UNLIMITED VIP MEMERSHIP $19 FOR 1 WEEK

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14

7:00 LIF PROM QUEENS Debut! High school girls fight to become queen of the prom. PROM FIGHT! PROM FIGHT!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15

8:00 CW OH SIT! Debut! Like an adult version of “musical chairs”—except you might snap your spine. I approve. 9:00 DSC SHARK FIGHT SHARK FIGHT! SHARK FIGHT! (Who cares what it’s about?) SHARK FIGHT! SHARK FIGHT!

7:00 NBC SUMMER OLYMPICS It’s the closing night for the Olympic summer games. (Phew! I’m not going to masturbate for at least another four years.) Unless you’re a weenie dog, follow me on Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

Always FREE TO CHAT WITH VIP MEMBERS

503-222-CHAT VANCOUVER 360-696-5253 EVERETT 425-405-CHAT TACOMA 253-359-CHAT SEATTLE 206-753-CHAT BOISE 208-350-2500 STRAIGHT/GAY/BI

www.LiveMatch.com August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 49

I SAW U

GOBLIN NUTS? (7-CORNERS NEW SEASONS)

OFFICER RESPONDING

You came to my house Aug 4th in N Portland. neighbors called about the music. You were not who I expected to see...Kevlar vest, taser and sidearm? yes. Beautiful woman with confident eyes?...No Would love to cross your path again... When: Saturday, August 4, 2012. Where: North Portland. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915047

SANDY LIAISON

J, we were on the Sandy. I should have looked away but couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. That old man was a grump. And your old man is a fool if he doesn’t appreciate you. When: Saturday, August 4, 2012. Where: Sandy river. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915045

KELLEY POINT CUPCAKE

You were unbearably cute, playing with your dog in the river. You: lower oblique tattoo, Camelbak, terribly handsome, completely in love with your pup. Me: brown hair, black bikini, surrounded by kids, couldn’t take my eyes off you. Drinks? When: Friday, August 3, 2012. Where: Kelley Point Park Beach. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915044

CLINTON STREET PINK AND RED

You: pretty redhead beautifully stuffed into a little pink miniskirt. I was walking out just as you walked in, and would have turned right around if I could. Haven’t seen you since but would love to meet you! When: Tuesday, July 24, 2012. Where: Clinton St Pub. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915043

SHORTIE IMPRESSED BY TALL GUY

You: 6’8’’ and so kind about responding to a question I know you hear all the time: “How tall are you?” Me: brown girl in a flowered dress. All I could say was “wow” but I wanted to say more. When: Thursday, July 26, 2012. Where: Caffe Vita. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915022

HANNAH, YOU LEFT TRIANGLE LAKE

Can I talk you into telling me why you left, and whether Wendy and her children are all right? Are you all right? As you’ve doubtless guessed, I have not intention of joining “the village.” When: Friday, June 1, 2012. Where: Triangle Lake. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915041

TOP KNOT BARA SUSHI BABE you: pony-tailed bara sushi chef with ripped up vans. me: big eyed, curlyhaired girl. you were eyeballin’, i was doing the same. should have given you my number, but hesitated. i cant eat sushi everyday, let’s get into trouble elsewhere. When: Sunday, July 15, 2012. Where: bara sushi. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915039

YOU WALKED BY TWICE I was too high to follow you but I wish I would have.You: dark red hair, lovely. Me: gumpin’ outside the mexican market on 20th.You look familiar,maybe we’ve met before,in this life or another.I still want to know your name. x When: Thursday, July 26, 2012. Where: Last Thursday. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915037

YOU WERE CONSIDERING DRUM LESSONS hey. you know you wanna learn some drums. hit me up for lessons and i’ll see you there! learn to play drums, its a much better use of your time than dating. When: Wednesday, August 1, 2012. Where: drumming in your dreams. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915036

SQUAREPUSHER SINGLES SECTION I was surprised someone else had decided to go see Squarepusher alone, on a whim and hang out in the the corner. Too bad we lost track of each other on the way out - was hoping to talk more. When: Tuesday, July 31, 2012. Where: Wonder Ballroom. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915035

SKATEBOARDING, SOCCER MOM FROM SNWMF

You: CUTE with uneven dark brown bangs, skirt, bare white legs, shoes, sweater maybe, with a couple at meat counter, then the man talked coconut history. Me: Orange-red shirt over white tee, blue jeans, checking out red bananas, ...and you. When: Tuesday, July 31, 2012. Where: 7-Corners New Seasons, 10pm 7/31. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915034

OLIVIA AT PIX ON DIVISION

Our brief interaction while in line to buy discounted Tiki Tiki’s was a highlight of my evening. Perhaps we should re-enact it at their new location. When: Monday, July 30, 2012. Where: Pix Patisserie on SE Division. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915033

FLOYDS ON MONDAY 11:30AM

You were sitting outside with a genleman reading the I saw u’s and falling in love a ladie’s chihuahua. blue polka dot dress/Glasses I was sitting nearby with a female friend with purple hair.you were utterly captivating, who are you When: Monday, July 30, 2012. Where: Floyd s on Morrison. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915032

ED KUEPPER SHOW

yellow dress, glasses, cute flower tattoo... and even more lovely embarassed smile after sneezing. just wanted to say so. When: Saturday, July 28, 2012. Where: disjecta. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915031

RED PANTS IN MAUPIN

Your smile made me melt. I wish I would’ve run into you somewhere like a farmers market in PORTLAND. If you live in Portland and see this I’d love to have coffee with you. Keep smiling. Charlie When: Sunday, July 29, 2012. Where: Maupin, OR. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915030

PEPPER & ASHLEY @ ALBINA PRESS HAWTHORNE

i probably should have talked with you more rather than leaving it up to chance that i’d run into you and pepper again. so, here i am? i’d love to talk with you again, and play with the pup. -g When: Friday, July 20, 2012. Where: 50th and hawthorne. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915029

PAINT MY FACE

We met in May through a mutual friend. It felt too brief. We seemed to have a psychic connectx. You let me paint your face. I wanted to caress your hair. You were in my dreams. Paint each other’s faces? When: Sunday, May 27, 2012. Where: Laurelhurst. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915027

SONOROUS AT THE FROG s-c-h-e-a it’s spelled, and your sonorous syllables resound in my head. come sing sweet in the northland. -- a When: Monday, July 30, 2012. Where: Coffee on Belmont. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915038

PUPPY LOVE

You were at the Concordia New Seasons in the parking lot in the backseat of a Honda Fit. They left the window cracked. You had a jagged tooth. Felt like love. Share a walk in the park? When: Monday, July 23, 2012. Where: Concordia New Seasons. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915026

NW 23RD AND LOVEJOY

To the gentleman with the blue bike, long hair and blue eyes, close to NW 23rd and Lovejoy at around 11:45AM today. You seem to have character. I am wondering who you are. When: Friday, July 27, 2012. Where: NW Portland around 11:45AM. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915025

GOODWILL HUNTING

I told you, floral shorts girl, that you were beautiful before I left the Super Goodwill last Saturday. I have no idea how to cross your path again but I’d love to. When: Saturday, July 21, 2012. Where: MLK Goodwill. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915024

Simple To Respond! respond online with a membership

Girls 4 Boys

We had a gazebo party @ Sierra Nevada World Music Festival. You were moving to Portland from Sacramento, I’m wondering if you’ve made that journey yet. When: Saturday, June 23, 2012. Where: SNWMF. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915021

BANDANAS AND BITING

You drifted into our beer drinking cavalcade of asshole and attempted to steal my bandana. You then bit me leaving many bruises on my back in the shape of your mouth. This many contusions without sex is a tragedy. When: Sunday, July 22, 2012. Where: Belmont. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915003

EMILY@BRIGHTENBUSH

BACK IN THE PDX GROVE Moved back from a 4 year stint in Seattle and I’m happy as hell about it! Looking for someone to play with. I’m up for anything fun..movies, bars, hikes, rides, pinball, shows.... (FYI, scared of heights and puppets). Agatha, 38

ONLY CHICK WHO DISLIKES PDX?

Well, I’m a student at PSU. I love cats, cheese, tattoos, California, and boots. Like the outdoors, hate camping. I swear I am a nice person, but I’m know to be a...sassy firecracker, if you will. calibound, 21

I loved you 10 years ago. You moved to australia then I saw you at Brightenbush there was an emergency and I lost your number in the rush. your even more beautiful now When: Saturday, June 16, 2012. Where: Brightenbush Hot Springs. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #915017

THE EXPLODING SOUND OF SILENCE

CLUB 21 BABE SITTING OUTSIDE

READY FOR A SUMMER CRUSH!

you: long dark hair. sitting with a group of your friends. at one point you got on someone’s motorcycle... me: long dark hair. eye fucking you. let’s be babes together. When: Sunday, July 22, 2012. Where: club 21. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915005

PHANTOGRAM

Austine (sp?) at the Phantogram concert at Wonder Ballroom. You’re a total babe. Your smile and wave melted my heart, so cool. Would love to get to know you. Yes, you’re both brunettes, but Sarah has nothing on you. When: Tuesday, July 24, 2012. Where: Wonder Ballroom. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915014

I’m a funny, sweet, attractive lady. I didn’t think I would end up here, but I did. That’s just the way life works. I’m ready to meet an attractive fun person. Hopefully have an adventure! coco le fleur, 30

FUNNY, LOUD, CHARMING, BRAWLER, INTELLIGENT.

im not your average girl. big feet. big hands. big personality. i want a man that can handle that. i feel like i have friends, but not anyone who “knows” me. i NEED deep, stimulating conversation. god where is that..? wickedkitty, 26

LEARNING EVERY DAY

PRETTY DREADLOCK BOY

I think life is awesome and want to meet new people to have fun with around town. I’m a genuine, friendly, and hard-working lady who values a good talk over an even better cocktail. Let’s see where this can go! RainOrShine, 27

Saw you tuesday evening at the bus stop at salmon and 5th. Thought your dreads were gorgeous, but I was too cowardly to tell you. May have sat behind you on the bus so I could continue ogling your hair. When: Tuesday, July 24, 2012. Where: Bus mall. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915013

EAT, MOVE, DRINK, LAUGH, REPEAT.

LOST TREASE AT HORNING’S

Kyle, I lost you in the madness, but you were not forgotten. Thanks for the necklace. Love, Monica When: Sunday, July 22, 2012. Where: Horning’s Hideout. You: Man. Me: Woman. #915012

BLT, FRIED EGG, POTATO SALAD

I ordered the special with the potato salad (at your recommendation). You: waitress with nerd specs, red tie dye shirt, cute jeans, warm smile. Me: too shy to start a more serious convo. Grab a bite sometime? When: Monday, July 23, 2012. Where: My Father’s Place. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915011

2 AM BUFFET COUPLE

July 21st. You appeared to be a hurry and had a friend you met earlier. We were just leaving. I could be crazy, but you seemed to check us out. Contact us if I read the eye contact correctly. When: Saturday, July 21, 2012. Where: Near food. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915009

WALKING IN SCRUBS IN BEAVERTON

I was in a red coupe on Western in Beaverton. You were walking down Western in scrubs. My friend saw you looking at me & did her best impression of my sister to not ruin my chances. Drink? When: Monday, July 23, 2012. Where: Western Ave, Beaverton. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915007

BUS 35 CRUSH

I love photography. Religion is a turn off. Musicians are a turn on. An ideal date would be driving around at night, listening to music. A great sense of humor is a must, the darker the better. JayDeeKay, 20

You: Heart-smashingly adorable girl on your evening commute. You have short, light brown hair, glasses, and I can tell that you are the sweetest, loveliest person in the entire world. When: Monday, July 23, 2012. Where: Bus 35 to N Portland. You: Woman. Me: Man. #915006

Howdy. I’m confident, genuine, and a wee bit sarcastic. My life is quite awesome, and I’m looking for someone to add to the fun. Meeting people is initially scary to me, but I get over myself fast. insertmynamehere, 25

AND I WILL SING Waiting for the gift of sound and vision. Let’s move to East Berlin to get off coke and end up addicted to smack. Let’s commit mid-career suicide in the most hauntingly beautiful way possible. Don’t you wonder, sometimes? mander, 27

I LOVE DOG My valuable and precious qualities include: patience honesty kindness intelligence oddness love of animals excellent cooking ability knowledge of grammar and spelling. UnholyOne, 34

TEXAS GIRLS DO IT BETTER Hi! My name is Danielle and I’m originally from Texas and working in Portland for the summer. Looking for someone to spend these beautiful days with, you know you’ve always wanted a Texas girl on your side! DeeLish, 26

ERIKA0287 Moved to Portland about a year ago, just finished my first year of grad school, and am interested in meeting some new people in the city. I love hiking, camping, traveling, and spending time with friends and family. erika0287, 25

SUPER LOLZ In town for a few months looking to get some drinks and try out different bars. Bring the lolz and I’ll bring my dimples, a swell time can be had by all. Should probably have a sense of humor. candysays, 22

FUNNY, HONEST AND RAD-CORE.

PARDON THE CHARM...

CAJUN LOST N PORTLAND

RADIANT, AMICABLE, PLAYFUL, AND AFFECTIONATE

SOMEONE TO SPEND TIME WITH

Fun loving girl who likes to laugh!! I enjoy interesting conversation, good food, outdoors, sports, travel, music and art. I watch little to no TV and movies. I hail from NYC. Anything else you’d like to know, just ask!! portlandbearcub, 37

I’m looking for something real. i’m a laid back girly girl who loves to laugh and can charm your pants off in a g-rated way lol. If you like an honest fun and caring girl, hit me up. suchalivelything, 27

I am moving into my Saturn return and am seeking authentic connection with people who are interested in the inner life, the one life. I am very playful and enjoy having that reflected back to me. I love to dance. mamacita2012, 28

Boys 4 Girls A COMPANION ON THIS JOURNEY

i have been attempting to learn french for the past month, and all i can say is “i can speak English” don’t ask me to write it sheesh. anyway, if you fluent, please help me learn. gagasunshine, 29

EVERYDAY IS AN EXISTENTIAL ADVENTURE.

I’m a bit of a nerd, but I wouldn’t consider it defining. I love to read. I often think abstractly. I like socializing over drinks. I’m a playful individual, and am down for many different types of adventure. HappinessIsAWarmGun, 26

ARE UREADY FORA SUMMER CRUSH?

Attractive 42 yo 6‚Äô6‚Äù Brown hair green eyes . Professionally employed & live in SW PDX. I have a job car, bike & a life . August is missing the smiles & laughter of what a summer crush will bring. pdxsingle, 44

!!!!!!!!

i’m incredibly nice, surprisingly easy going, kinda smart, disarmingly handsome, painfully funny and all those other adjectives too sometimes (and adverbs). i feel wierd about trying to get dates on the internet. but what the hell! jasperjohns, 34

REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE I’m a fun, charming guy. I’m always open to adventuring out in Portland and I like the great outdoors. In my free time I do the creative things I really want to do, like making short films. NewRomancer, 25

I’ve not been to great at describing myself. That’s only bc I don’t want to blow my own trumpet and have you believe I’m this self-centered DB who’s full of himself. I’m looking for someone who shares the same interests. Wallflower, 26

Honest and to the point and u can always count on me. Im looking for a different kind of girl. Someone who can play hard but knows when the party is over.A real women who loves a real man. CajunLostInPortland, 36

im a romantic guyi love to have fun hanging out with friends and family and going out to eat i like the outdoors , im looking for someone to spend time with and get to know and have fun together. bigwill1970, 41

GLASSES, BANGS, CRYSTALGIRL @DIG-A-PONY

while ordering my whiskey ginger u showed up. We had a convo about going to the bluffs. I like your messy hair and would love getting to know your silly cat. I’d love to hold hands with you-Mondays Starbar. shutuplittleman, 27

EASY GOING AND FRIENDLY GUY!

Hey! I’m a 21 year old University Student studying New Media Design. I’m really nice and I love meeting new people and trying anything out. I’m looking for a cool girl to just hangout, go for drinks, dinner, pho, whatever! nostalgiaboy, 21

CREATIVE, FIT AND FUNNY.

I’m a smart, creative, good-looking joke-teller who’s looking for someone to laugh with. I’m awfully busy with my career and being a part time father, but I think there’s room to share my life with someone. Joseph0421, 35

FUNNY, FRIENDLY, AWESOME

I take care of friends, am considerate of others, the life of a party,not by choice. I am looking for someone that is active, but can slow me down some because she is equally Funny, Friendly and Awesome! funguyram2, 39

SHY GUY SEEKS CONSPIRATORIAL PARTNER Recently moved to Portland, looking for an awesome girl. Don’t know my ‘type’ but very into creative and smart women. Think ‘The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’. I’m not into any ‘scenes’, but up for nearly anything. xhiris, 36

LOOKING NEW GIRL HOT FUN

Girls 4 Girls

Hi I am 31 Single, I have a car and my own place close to broadway and downtown. Looking to thrill a hot lady, very open and want a FWB for some fun. ferner, 31

FUN SWANKY DOWN GIRL

YOU TUBE I get away with a lot because of my dimple and blond hair. I’m easy to please but hard to impress. I like to dance. I like to write, make podcasts, and make videos. I’m okay, are you okay? savage, 32

LETS HAVE SOME CRAZY FUN Alright here we go...I am a very outgoing, funny, fun type of guy that goes with the flow...I am honest, loving n I’m looking for a lovely female to ride the this life with me, also looking for fun. crazyfunB, 37

CHILL, TAT-LESS, BEARDLESS, OREGON GROWN Exploring wilderness, rafting, fishing, backpacking, playing music and making sweet love are things that never get old to me. I’m looking for a special girl that is looking for a loving, generous, sex positive, honest, man who is too lonesome. Towhee4u, 29

I’m a young lady. I like tea, yoga, dreadlocks, roses, vietnamese food, thriftstores, blues, beer, interesting ceramics, baby animals, riding horses, and much much more. I’m interested in meeting a special girl to share myself with and have crazy fun. HoneysilkTea, 20

A LITTLE BIT OF ALOT

I love to get out and have fun. Would love to find someone to share love and romance with, but also awesome new friends. Walking, sharing food and beverages. I love nature and plants! Serenewaters, 38

AWESOMELY WITTY YET SHY I am one cool cat. Tattooed and awesome. Shy and funny. I can make fun of anything! Sugarship, 31

QUEER KISSING MAMA

Values honest communication and assertive folks with kind hearts. I just recently fell out of the closet (& a marriage.) Now I’m looking for some sexy fun! I love chickens, making jam, and pulling weeds. Really. Must like kids. felloutofthecloset, 25

many more ads online!

Many more ads online! Memberships:

1 Day Pass $4.99

1 Week Pass $9.99

30 days Pass $19.99

www.mercurylovelab.com* 50 Portland Mercury August 9, 2012

CONSUMMATE PHILOSOPHER AND LADY

Each Pass gives you all-access, unlimited searching, browsing, emailing, and responding. *WE ACCEPT VISA, MASTERCARD, AMEX, AND DISCOVER *

MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KALAH ALLEN

PICKING ON PICKERS To the bitch at Goodwill on Friday: You know people shop there because they don’t have any money, or they’re looking for a way to save. When you were in there watching the new racks like a vulture and grabbing anything nice almost out of the hands of people shopping, there was also a mother with a Down syndrome kid and a couple other people who were obviously poor. But you have to make your buck reselling that shit for three times what you paid for it at your shitty little store. Not only are you ripping off your customers, you’re a despicable piece of shit. I wasn’t kidding when I called you disgusting. And guess what? When I left the store, people were smiling at me and wished me a good afternoon. They weren’t smiling at you. I hope I never see you in that Goodwill again. I will call your stupid bitch ass out over and over and humiliate you just like I did this time. I loved seeing your face go bright red.—Anonymous Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com. UNDERWORLD // KAZ

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

Fat Montana

Studio JFISH

nata zoe

August 9, 2012 Portland Mercury 51

The Portland Mercury BULLETIN BOARD online > > > www.portlandmercury.com/backpage (503) 294-0840

BANKRUPTCY - Stop Creditors

FREE Consultation. PAYMENT PLANS. Scott Hutchinson, Atty. Since 1997. Experienced Debt Relief Agency. CALL (503) 808-9032 www.Hutchinson-Law.com

SALVIA AND KRATOM!

Quick Fix Synthetic Urine now available. Your hookah headquarters. Glass pipes, discount tobacco, detox products & vaporizers.

Still Smokin’ Tobacco For Less 12302 SE Powell 503-762-4219

Area 69

7720 SE 82nd Ave Adult Movies, Video Arcade and PIPES! Molly pills, Kratom Detox 503-774-5544

$$ BUYING JUNK CARS $$

$50- $2000 CALL JEFF @ 503-501-0711

Tokens

Smoke Shop

Glass & Cheap Smokes 1971 W Burnside / 503-206-7353

DIVORCE? KIDS? ESTATES? Wendy S. Fay, Attorney 503-908-1981, www.fayfamilylaw.com

Contact for free phone consultation

SMOKE SIGNALS ON SANDY Vaporizers, hookahs, glass pipes, tobacco, gift items

3554 NE SANDY BLVD. 503-235-0504

EmotionalEatingPdx.com Freedom from Emotional Eating Individual & Group. Free Consultation. 503-830-5752

Junk Cars Wanted

GOT CHRONIC PAIN, MIGRAINES, NAUSEA, OR MUSCLE SPASMS? Medical marijuana can help. Call us for a free prequalifying interview. THE AURORA CLINIC 503.232.3003 1847 E Burnside www.theauroraclinic.com Physicians licensed in Oregon & Washington.

Professional MANSCAPING 503-841-0385

Bodyhair grooming for guys by guy in NoPo. PDXadult.com

TOBACCO FOR LESS INC

KRATOM, VAPORIZERS, PIPES, HOOKAHS GOOGLE TO SEE INSIDE STORE 4071 NE SANDY BLVD 503-327-8276

CLASSES & EVENTS HOST YOUR EVENT HERE!! BOSSANOVA BALLROOM 722 E Burnside 503 206 7630 Bossanovaballroom.com Better Forever - Chiropractic, Muscle Testing, Natural Healing 975 SE Sandy Blvd. Portland, Oregon (503) 239-5575 www.betterforeverpdx.com

Free Health Classes at 7:00 PM

Wednesday August 22: The Truth About Chronic Digestion Problems Next 21-Day Group Cleanse begins September 18, 2012. Call or email to RSVP for classes seating is limited. info@betterforeverpdx.com

BRAZILIAN JIU JITSU

Quick Cash

Learn ground defense skills under black belt instruction Info @ nwfighting.com. 503-740-2666

Poppi’s Pipes

Wild Goose Festival Aug. 31-Sep. 2

Ask for Jake (503) 936-5923

1712 E. Burnside Pipes, Detox, Scales, Hookah, Shisha Cream Chargers 3 for $45! New Store Hours Mon - Sat 10 am - 9 pm! 503-206-7731

Revived Cellular & Technology

SELL US YOUR USED CELL PHONES

Monday-Friday 10:30 - 7:00, Saturday 11:00 - 5:00 7816 N Interstate Ave - near Fred Meyer 503-286-1527

Vasectomy * Essure Lovejoy Surgicenter 503-221-1870

3 days of live music & presenters - Corvallis, OR Music, Spirituality, Justice & Art wildgoosefestival.org

WOLF AND BEAR’S 4th BDAY! $5 Falafel All Day Music By Pals: .. Renfield .. .. the gutters .. .. Twin Lens .. .. Bleach Blond Dudes .. 3925 N Mississippi 6 -11 pm on Sat 8/11

Tai Chi Classes

Enhance awareness via moving meditation nwfighing.com or call 503-740-2666

www.mellowmood.com ll d

4119 SE Hawthorn Hawthorne,, Portland ph: 503-235-PIPE (7473 (7473)

drink On tap now! Dopeasetic and amnesia summer ale!

Amazing! 832 N. BEECH (AT MISSISSIPPI)

503-281-7708

639 SE Morrison star-bar-rocks.com