April 2022

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I recently watched a movie where someone’s wife passed away and his friends were saying things to him like, “She would have wanted you to move on and be happy” and “Your wife in heaven sent you this new woman to find happiness with.” I just want to go on record and say, for me personally, no. Nope. Nuh uh.

Abso-freaking-lutely not. One, me being in heaven is debatable. Two, I didn’t “send” any one to him, you absolute liar. Three, if I die before my spouse and anyone has the audacity to say some crap like that to him, I swear on my last dying breath I’ll not only come back to haunt him and his new girlfriend, but I’ll haunt you and your lying butt too. My widowed spouse had a lifetime of happiness with me, he doesn’t need to be happy anymore. He will live out the rest of his days in sorrow and misery. Do I make myself clear? This

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48 APRIL 2022

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goes for my friends too. Don’t you dare even attempt to replace me in our friend group. On second thought, there is no more friend group. It’s done. No one is allowed to have friends anymore. As far as I’m concerned, after I’m gone, happiness and joy will cease to exist for all of my family and friends. I was the ray of freaking sunshine in all their lives, and now that I’m gone every day is just a dreary smog of despair. And if for even a brief second you all aren’t thinking about me and mourning me and you start to feel a tiny spark of joy or happiness, ghost-Rachel will pop in and ruin your entire day. You think alive-Rachel is annoying? Well you’re in for a real treat, because alive-Rachel won’t even hold a candle to how annoying ghost-Rachel will be if y’all don’t heed this warning.

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