The Welcome Issue Volume XXXIX Issue AugustI 2022 Art by Dani
- Your Editor-in-Chief, Wade Radmore
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIX No. I2 Printed at CopiEUS CONTRIBUTERS LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Editor-In-Chief Wade Radmore Publications Director Charlotte Volk Writers Guillaume Provost Denbeigh Whitmarsh Hugo Schutzberg Noah Loomis Wade ChahdRadmoreElMbarki Illustrators Dani (Cover Art) Wade Radmore (Other) Disclaimer (so we don’t get shutdown again) The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent publications.director@mcgilleus.ca,vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca,to and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. The Plumber’s Faucet vol. XXXIX no. I
First, we would like to welcome female American refugees fleeing the civil conflict between Roe and Wade. Unlike in our southern neighbour, your fetuses are not safe with us!
Greetings enjoyers of plumbing, faucet design, and engi neering magazines. Get the hell out of here! This presti gious newspaper is meticulously designed for the most red-pilled comedic geniuses. For these people, and these people alone, welcome to McGill! I’d like to announce some big changes happening to the Faucet given the current international circumstances as well as some whole some welcomings.
In this paper, learn about McGill’s best majors, McGill’s must-join clubs, how to make friends at Canada’s top uni versity, and even more. If you think you can write for us, join our Facebook group and submit whatever you’d like.
Second, we have officially banned pro-Russian propaganda from the Faucet’s pages. We apologize for our previous “Motherland Issue” and agree that publishing it a day after the war began was both a great show of quick, comedic writing, but also a bit too soon. Third, due to increased gas prices, instead of paying for the fuel of our staff’s daily therapy session commutes, we have begun investing directly into the Saudis since the inflation caused by fossil fuels looks to be a huge business opportunity.
Satirical articles, poems, comics, manifestos, and philoso phy essays are all welcome as long as they can get a chuck le. Anyway, welcome to (or back to) McGill. Welcome to the Plumber’s Faucet. We are happy to have you.
Now, for all the student-athletes who have chosen our school, let me confirm that you have also made the right decision. With more than 120 Olympians and 35 medalists, our athletes have proven their potential. We have everything you need to ĥelp you push back the limits of your sport: Gyms, food, etc. And if you believe in your physical abilities, but haven’t been able to find the perfect discipline, once again, you’ve come to the right
To all of you, I must say: Welcome. Welcome to this beautiful, friendly country. Welcome to this eclectic, charming province. Welcome to this gorgeous city; the cultural capital of Canada. Welcome to your new home, your new family, the place that will shape your future, your friendships, your dreams, McGill university. But most importantly, my dear friends, welcome to one thing: Welcome to greatness.
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Being incontestably the best university in Canada, our students don’t have any choice but to see their path paved with success. In fact, our students tend to be so suc cessful that it could be seen as a curse. There’s just no way around it! Ha-Ha! Allow me to enumerate a few of my favourite statistics. Out of the 300 000 living alumni of McGill (some have unfortunately passed away), 8 have received a Nobel Prize, theoretically putting your chances of yourself winning one at 0.0027%! Most of you must be amazed at how freakily easy it might seem to win one of those if you attend our university. Howev er, the Nobel Prize Organization is very rigorous in its decision process, and completely unbiased. It could simply be said that attending McGill is like a golden ticket to the gates of excellence! Ha-Ha!
Letter from the Dean of Students: Robert Beech by Guillaume Provost
The vast majority of you, my precious freshmen, must be ecstatic at the idea of attending this glorious institution. Surely, the day when you glimpsed at your cell phone, expecting a trivial message from a friend, only to discover an email from the university of McGill stating that you’d officially been accepted, was the happiest, most delectable mo ment of your entire existence, a date to be marked down in a calendar, framed, and hung in every room you could think of. But as hard as that can seem to conceive, maybe, for some of you, this university was a second choice. Maybe some of you dreamed of wandering the streets of Boston, proudly wearing the colours of Harvard, or fancied studying in the almost millennial institution of Oxford. To these people, I dedicate my next paragraph, and may everyone else follow along to remind themselves of the prestige that rests between our walls.
With love, Your Dean of Students,
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Did you know that we had the immense chance to have Leonard Cohen, one of the cultural emblems of Montreal, as our Janitor in Chief for almost forty-five years? The cohorts of “54 to “97 surely remember being blessed by his vibrant voice every morning as he sang while broom ing every corner of our beautiful campus. This just shows that our wonderful institution is not merely a school, but rather a welcoming, lovely community of people who share a passion for knowledge.
The most beloved man in the country, our Premier Justin Trudeau, also regularly states that McGill made him the man, politician, and father he now is. He obtained a Bachelor of Arts degree in literature in 1994 from our university. He loved his time so much that right after he graduated, he proceeded to apply for an Honours Degree in Theater and Costumes, a novel program for us at the time, that Justin completed with a near-perfect GPA, and with a toolbox that would serve him his whole life. Proud to count you among us, Mr. Trudeau!
I could go on and on about the inspiring, intelligent, sexy people who attend our gor geous university, or about how enlightened you will all feel the second you will step foot on our campus, but the truth is, I would rather let your own experience speak by itself. I simply hope that you feel as grateful as I am, to be able to climb up the rungs of knowledge, to escape that deplorable state of ignorance, and I would like to declare one last time to all of you: Welcome to McGill.
pupils!
The lengthy list of famous, talented people who have gone to McGill speaks for itself.
Because at McGill, we believe everybody is an athlete’s body. But don’t take my word for granted about the greatness of our institution, my sweet
place! McGill University is proud to have greatly contributed to sports history, as basketball, ice hockey, and North American football were created by some of our alumni. So if you can’t seem to win at any sport, do not panic just yet! We suggest you come talk to one of our aca demic advisors, who will try to create a sport in which your physical attributes would make you a near-unbeatable athlete, and will then attempt to democratize this sport at a very large scale.
Listen closely because this is the most important part of your university experi ence and I’m going to tell you EXACTLY how to do it right. If you want to make friends at McGill, I need you to go into McLennan and turn left four times until you’re heading towards Redpath. Walk to the back of Red path. Enter the code FRNDS4Lyfe1274675 on the very last computer on your righthand side. Then click the spacebar seven times while raising your left hand into the air. At this moment, you will feel a key magically appear in your hand. Do not look at this key. If you look at it, it will disappear. This is very important. With your eyes closed, slide the key into your pocket and turn around. It may be a little stinky, don’t worry, that’s normal. When you turn around you will see the mirage of an elevator hidden in the shadows. Go to it and get inside. You must unlock it with your key (remember to not look at it). Speak the code words “CATTLE SIX MEOW” into the voice box on the elevator. Do not panic when the elevator drops fast and then speeds sideways underground. It is also a train. The elevator will bring you to the legendary burnside basement L(-7). Here, you must talk to the ghost of Custodian Kyle. You will find him still mopping the floors of the men’s bathroom, with muddy water. Custodian Kyle will give you a silver dollar in exchange for seven hugs. Take this silver dollar to the vending machine twenty-three paces to your mid-west after exiting the mens’ washroom. You must insert the silver dollar and rap on the vending machine door to the tune of Cotton-Eyed Joe. If you do this correctly, you will meet Mr. Ratburn from the cartoon Arthur who is actually a large rat. He lives in the vending machine andoperates it like Charon’s ferry to the underworld. Mr. Ratburn will take your silver
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How to make Friends at McGill by Denbeigh Whitmarsh
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Printed at CopiEUS dollar and give you free passage upwards to meet the legendary Cloudberry, the albino squirrel and oracle who lives on the campus of McGill. You must pay Cloudberry with the promise of your first-born child. In exchange, you may look into Cloudberry’s blood-red eyes and you will see the reflection of… Your future best friend at McGill!! Now all you have to do is be sure to join lots of clubs and teams so you can meet them eventually, and also never have a first-born child. When you find the best friend you saw in Cloudberry’s eyes, be sure to superglue your big toes together so that they can never get away. Congratulations. You have made a friend at McGill. It may be the easiest thing you do in all four -years.Byyour loving, recent grad in Literature (see how little good it did me).
McGill Improv was Found to Never have even Existed, All So-Called Members decided to just Make it up as they went along
“#DefundSSMU” Gains traction on Twitter after Dean of Students Realizes He can Shove even more of our Money Down His Filthy Pockets
Business Students’ Society Reopened after Animal Control Determines Unhealthy Rat Population to just be Healthy Inbred Desautels Population
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McGill Chinese Student Society sends Cease and Desist to McGill Taiwanese Student Association after latter club rebrands as the Real Chinese Student Society McGill threatens Legal Action against “McGill Students in Solidarity for Palestinian Human Rights” after club releases Controversial Statement to Government of Israel, “Please don’t kill us.”
Over the break, a slew of McGill news headlines flooded the barren desert known as the Plumber’s Faucet’s website. Given the grand total of one reader (who mistook the website as an offshoot of McGill Nightly), it was decided to just share the headlines in print without their accompanying articles. Alas, these headlines are all newcomers to McGill will need to determine which clubs are meant for them– and which ones want them dead 0_0
McGill Lettuce Festival Cancelled after Green-Haired Art Student is Mis taken for a Beautiful Head of Lettuce and is Brutally Bitten by Eager Lettuce-Enjoyer
McGill Investment Club releases Report on biggest McGillian Earners: In 2nd, some dude with $2.4k off Crypto Scams. In 1st, Former McGill Dean Suzanne “Big Suze” Fortier with $75m from Saudi Oil Blood Money
Quick Headlines to Catch you up with McGill Clubs from over the Break by Wade Radmore
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIX No. I8 Printed at CopiEUS Redpath Library to be Renamed after Club for Disabled Colourblind Students Speak out Plumber’s Faucet is Predicted to See Major success over other Engi neering Publications on Account of not being Boring as Shit to Read McGill Debating Union finally Speaks Up Against Taliban, But Before Making up your Mind, Stay Tuned to Hear their Pro-Taliban Arguments Too Genius UNICEF McGill Student Realizes Lying about Volunteering just as Effective at Getting Jobs as Pretending to Care Socratic Discussion Club to be Shut Down after Members unable to answer question “What is the point of this?” from SSMU Financial Of ficer Plumber’s Faucet to Create New Paper to House their most Politically Incorrect and Discriminatory Satire titled the Plumber’s Ledger Divest McGill, previous Occupants of the Arts Building, have Moved their Protests to the Source, Occupying Saudi Crown Prince’s Palace in Riyadh SSMU Apologizes for Implementing Successful Policy, “We Should’ve been More Ineffective, This is not the SSMU Everyone Knows and Loves” “Always Happy to Help!” Says Departmental Student Association VP Comms who wants you to Leave them Alone New Statement Confirms that the Black Student Society is as Out raged as James McGill by the Number of Black Students Enrolled With the Return to Campus and Increased Funding for Queer McGill, Intramural Sports Won’t be the only Club Playing with more Balls this Year
August 2022 9 Printed at CopiEUS Millard McGill #1
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SOFTWARE ENGINEERING
So, you’ve made it into McGill! Congratulations! Now that you’re here, feel free to workshop all of the many class options offered by your new home. Yes, that includes you, Mr. Arts stu dent who was rejected from your first choice! Just because Desautels didn’t want you at first doesn’t mean they can’t reject you again when you get that 2.8 GPA!
You’ve heard it since you were just a wee child. “You should be a doctor! Or a lawyer! Or an ENGINEER!” If you’re anything like myself, you might have even heard: “You are the worst goddamn child a mother could ever ask for and I wish abortions were legal when I had you by Noah Loomis and Wade Radmore
Technology is the future of the world and Software Engineering is your gateway into said future. Here, you can learn the highly marketable skill known as cheating! Your buddy Stack Overflow has all the answers you’ll ever need. He’ll teach you ancient languages like C (which my pal told me stands for “Cocksucker”) or C++ (an overachieving Cocksucker). Unfortunate ly, they don’t teach the coding language of small talk. By the time year one is done, anyone who could speak small talk left to pursue a failed business degree, which will just so happen to include all of your friends. However, this just means you’ll be taught in a distraction-free environment since nobody around you can hold a conversation! Do be careful if you’re par ticularly pale, as your skin will become a blinding bright white with all of the sunlight you’ll never see! But that’s another positive! Now your chances of being a victim of vehicular man slaughter have greatly decreased (though those chances are never zero)! MECHANICAL ENGINEERING
Choosing the Future that’s Right for YOU; The Pros and Cons List for each of McGill’s Most Seductive Majors
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Printed at CopiEUS in the south of Missouri by the rural community of Lampe and then your uncle/father and I wouldn’t have had a divorce!” Anyway, an ENGINEER is why you’re HERE! Haha! My favourite part of engineering is after getting the degree you get to waste your life away working at a major company that will give you no reason or purpose to live, but you’ll be reasonably compensated enough so that you can spend it all on alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of your existence and traumatic upbringing! That sounds pretty good to me! Another big win is that there are no women! No kidding! Zero women at all. A big loss though is that even the men resemble my mother and they won’t get out of my head… Goddamn mothers aside, if you really want to be an engineer, I ask you to pass this simple test first: Name the 6 simple machines. If you can, the degree is yours! The answer key is at the bottom of the page!
PSYCHOLOGY
AGRICULTURE
One of the biggest programs in all of McGill, Psychology impressively remains the big gest “IDK what I wanna study” major at the university. At least you can learn some basic forms of mind control. Example: “Hello Harry, could you do me a favour?” I ask. “Erm, no. To my dismay, I am gravely busy with an urgent work matter, my apologies,” he says. Now, Harry doesn’t know I’m a psychology major with a secret technique to get him to change his mind, “Harry, I will fucking kill myself if you don’t do me a favour.” Always works! Thanks to my education, I also can provide therapy. Trust me, I am amazing at it!
And no, I’m not mentally ill, my entire program is! No shame in being honest about your antisocial narcissistic personality disorder! I hope to see you all in my class and my well ness circle! Too bad jamming 600+ students into a room for a 200-level course is almost inevitably going to increase the mass-spreading of germs and viruses during a continued pandemic!
Some people like food. Others really like food. But not us. We want to intimately connect with food in a way never done before. We want to be Jack as he mounts, climbs, and reaches the climax on top of the beanstalk. But no, this isn’t a faculty for obese Americans… It is the faculty for cow shit-loving Canadians who are ignorant to how university liberalizes good, conservative, Christian youth into blue-pilled sheep! You may be think
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BUSINESS
So you made a couple grand off Crypto or Gamestop, lost it all a few months later, took a loan to invest into your dropshipping Shopify store, claimed bankruptcy three weeks in, and then decided it was about time you get an actual business degree. Well, welcome to the sewers of Desautels then, my friend! With professors such as Master Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a ghostly dude named Dr. Racism, you’ll be in good hands. You get to go to class with the Alpha (Josh), Sigma (Kyle), and work your way out of being the Beta. Until then, expect your fair share of wedgies and wet willies while wearing that XS muscle shirt to show off those spaghetti stick arms (mamma mia)! One other warning to heed: many of your classmates are suspected to be deeply inbred (the nature of the true businessman). So, expect yourself to finally fit in some place oth er than at the family reunion!
While one of the smaller programs at McGill, it certainly has made a name for itself. Win ner of the “Least Employable Major Award,” McGill Philosophy students can be thankful that they are not Concordia Philosophy students. Who needs a job anyway though? If philosophy taught me anything, it’s that money has no meaning in the first place, life has no purpose, and everyone is always wrong, including myself, so why try at all? Sadly, the class “Death and Dying” is actually in the Religion faculty, so I am denied the only philos ophy education that could actually be useful to us philosophers. Anyway, the minimum wage is increasing so I’m starting to feel a little better about myself. Plus, it’s not like it’ll be difficult to do better than the philosophers I’m studying! Almost all of them are sexist and racist pieces of shit, so expectations are pretty low. But that also means it won’t be hard for us Faucet readers to continue the tradition!
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ing, “wow, this program sounds like it’s on fire!” Yep. It is on fire for most of the summer months of the year. But hey, maybe you’ll be the reason that the fires stop! Although, before you can study fire-stopping techniques, you’ll need at least a B in Eggplants I, II and III before you can start your shift on the farm raking through manure with the taste of ash, burning livestock, and horseshit on your tongue. Though, the last one is probably a positive for you sick bastards. PHILOSOPHY
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Advice from a U5 - How to make your time at McGill Long and Painful by Hugo Schutzberg
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Hello new McGill students! As I understand it, you are at the precipice of your first days at this prestigious Montreal institution. I am almost certain that at one point or another prior to your entrance through the Roddick Gates, you heard that your time at McGill “will go by so fast.” Now, I am not one to disagree with the old adage “time flies when you’re having fun” but as a McGill undergraduate student entering their 6th year, I have concocted a few tips and tricks to make your time feel a little longer and a lot more miserable so you can really enjoy “the journey” rather than the First“destination.”andforemost, disregard any of the required classes or prerequisites you might need to take for your major. These are best left for your last semester so you can sit down and be humble as you take CHEM 110 with literal children that are five years younger than you. My next piece of advice is to become as ingrained in a student society as humanly possible (e.g., SSMU). The earlier you sink your teeth into these organizations, the quicker the molasses-like pace of bureaucracy will seep into
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If the opportunity arises to continue at McGill during a global pandemic… immediately do so! Who cares about the constant subjection to computer screens and the lack of precious vitamins from the sun necessary to sustain human life? As long as you find it overwhelming, you will take fewer classes and delay your graduation even further! Huge success!
your bloodstream, making you hungry for an even slower churn of a time at McGill. They do say every great SSMU president should have graduated 3 semesters ago!
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Now, the next set of circumstances might not apply but fear not! It is merely based on some very likely contingencies.
But in all seriousness, the best way to prolong your time at McGill is to make friends with everyone. Make friends with that 30-year-old Ph.D. student who is your TA, that random guy whose shoulders you were sitting on at Frosh, or even that person that tried to sell you something other than weed at Jeanne Mance park. The more friends you have, the more distracted from your studies you can be. This will help you on your way to repeat 5, 6, okay maybe 7 classes; a key ingredient in making your time at McGill longer and more importantly, brutally painful. So much so, that it will hopefully leave you begging for God to exist so you can be saved from this everlasting self-imposed torture. I hope you hold this advice near and dear to your heart, actually please print this out and keep it in your red McGill wallet. If you follow it to a T, the less likely you are to drop out by January and go to Queens for the winter semester. Or even worse… Concordia…
The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIX No. I16 Printed at CopiEUS Guide for Canadian Immigrants: Canada’s Proudest Moments in History (To the Theme of Oh Canada)byWadeRadmore Oh Canada, Our stolen native land! - 1 Red Inuit blood, Flood black tar oil sands! Trudeau’s face art - 2 We watch seals die, - 3 Ride rails by dead Chinese! - 4 Far-right on rise Oh Canada, We endorsed slavery! King keep our land Rid of Japanese - 5 Oh Canada, Even schooled the Métis! - 6 Oh Canada, We stand on guard for thee! So, why are these Canada’s proudest moments? Allow me to explain! 1 - Canadian’s used their advanced war tactics such as unnecessary sexual violence, the accidental spreading of deadly diseases, and a shitload of guns to murder, pillage, and steal the land of these “so-called” indigenous peoples who were only on the land for,
3 - We know Canada’s the world’s best in hockey, but also the world’s best in clubbing seals! Guinness even gave us the record for most baby seals clubbed over the course of one NHL season!
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- Jim Crow enthusiast and blackface connoisseur Justin Trudeau decided to put all of the coal he received at Christmas to good use for his high school students. Deciding that he would be the coolest substitute teacher ever, Justin adorned a lovely black founda tion all around his face, hands, and on just about any skin that saw the light of day! All of his impressionable students had the biggest laugh at the sambo-like representation of a racialized minority group!
4 - Canada: The country where a regular white guy could be a starved, restless, and de pressed railroad worker for free but a Chinese immigrant has to pay two years of their salary to be a starved, restless, and depressed railroad worker thanks to the Chinese head tax. Good thing most of the Trans-Canadian Highway is in the middle of no where, that means at least burying all of the overworked dead Chinese men would be easy!
5 - William Lyon Mackenzie King, with growing fear that the Japanese had planted spies within Canadian borders, decided to make a big hotel for them all to stay at in the fivestar location of rural Northern British Columbia. These Canadian citizens (most by birth) were then told to stay at these camp-shaped hotels and told that they were not allowed to leave. They had no reason to worry of course because hundreds of armed Japa nese-hating guards would be there to protect them as they provided unpaid labour for their time of stay!
6 - Canada, being the kind social democratic utopia that it is, decided to offer free prima ry and secondary education to its citizens! How thoughtful! Unfortunately, some Cana dian citizens didn’t want to attend their mandatory education centres. Métis, which are a mixed race of European-Canadians and indigenous peoples, were among this group. They made excuses such as “They will not feed me food until I literally die,” “They have killed my friends and told me they will kill me and my family too,” and “They seriously want to kill every single one of us, this is not a joke, please somebody save our lives.”
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18 Printed at CopiEUS We are looking for writers, editors, illustrators, and executives at the Faucet. It’s super low commitment, develops your comedic skills, gets you published in a newspaper, looks good on a resume, and is a great way to make new friends and slip into the McGill comedy scene. We literally publish ANY mildly humorous submission, beginner or not. We publish our magazine twice a semester. For submissions and questions on how to be more involved, email us: faucet@mcgilleus.ca and join our Facebook group! Psst ... Guess what? There’s another publications group in the EUS that *wink wink* might even be better than the Faucet.* It’s called the Plumber’s Ledger. Our content covers just about anything that you’re interested in, ranging from research to life hacks, current events to po ems, short stories and even comics. You can get involved in any and all parts of the writing, publishing, and printing process. We’re always on the lookout for writers, editors, illustra tors, photographers and other creative roles. *This claim has been fact-check as false by the Faucet. Join the Plumber’s Faucet! Join the Plumber’s Ledger Join McGill Improv! Social anxiety, lack of comedic ability, and having too much sex. These are just a few of the things that Improv can remedy for you! Come join McGill Improv for a fun, welcoming community of improvisers and comedians. We have a variety show in the McConnell Basement on the first and third Wednesday of every month and workshops every Thursday evening. Follow @mcgillimprov on all social media for more info!
