LETTEROPHILIA MARJORIE:
Don’t forget to pay your renter’s insurance. They, uh, might be sending you a notice saying that a bill collector is on his way.
HAROLD:
Oh, yeah, okay.
MARJORIE:
(Looking back at the mailboxes.) Hey, did L.M. Hawkins move out?
HAROLD:
Who?
MARJORIE:
Apartment 315.
HAROLD:
You mean Lydia?
MARJORIE:
Yeah, Lydia. She hasn’t been picking up her mail… or so I’ve heard.
HAROLD:
Nobody told you?
MARJORIE:
What?
HAROLD:
She… um… jumped.
MARJORIE:
She what?!
HAROLD:
Apparently she couldn’t take it anymore that none of her kids ever answered her letters and just, well, ended it.
MARJORIE:
(Shaken.) Oh wow. (Pause.) Did she leave a note?
They freeze as the LETTEROPHILIA EXPERT enters. EXPERT:
Someone you know may be suffering from Letterophilia if he or she exhibits one or more of the following symptoms: an extreme concern for not breaking the link in a chain letter, an intimate familiarity with the route of your local postal carrier, an unreasonable bitterness about the advent of the Internet, or actually reading the letters inviting you to choose a new long distance carrier. 41