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Halloween, 2013 | Pipe Dream University | | Vol. LXXXIV, Issue 16

Frat bros stay home

Pass Dining hall not haunted, just bad back record broken

Zeta Psi watches 'Hocus Pocus'

Over 150 get into Tom and Marty's with same fake ID

Barry O Cowgirl

Dirty Bernie Bottom The brothers of Zeta Psi forewent their typical Halloween plans — pregaming to Laidback Luke, pretending it’s normal to drink out of a garbage can and babysitting freshmen girls who can’t stand vertically — to do something a little different. The brothers all cuddled up on their living room couch and watched “Hocus Pocus” on Netflix. This Thursday, members of the fraternity decided against the typical frat party, which boasted four floors of beer pong, brand new speakers, the largest dance floor in Binghamton, fewest questionably consensual hookups per capita, an ice luge, strobe lights, drink specials, special drinks, something to get drunk and do. Instead, they watched the Halloween classic starring Sarah Jessica Parker. “We just weren’t feeling it tonight,” said Kam Sayy from Zeta Psi. “We wanted a night to just be together and hang out here, you know?” The brothers commented on the film throughout, discussing the actors’ performances. “Bette Midler is my girl crush,” said Vladmir Dostevsky (or something really Russian). “Sarah Jessica Parker is way better in ‘Sex and the City’ though.” For the next three hours, the brothers watched season 1 of “Sex and the City” and decided that she is definitely better in the show. Regardless, they had a moving night. “I kind of got those witches,” said Mysha Jee. “They didn’t take shit from anyone.”

Spook E. Ookie Scary

CIW students were treated to a special Halloween Sodexo surprise — or so they thought — on Wednesday, as the dining hall rolled out what seemed to be a holidaythemed menu. “I found a live worm in my pot pie,” said Candice Korn, a senior double-majoring in history and origami. “They really committed to the theme.” Sodexo employees were slightly bewildered by students’ enthusiasm for the festivities. “What?” asked Poor Spice, CIW Dining Hall manager. “We didn’t have anything special planned for today.” Several students said they appreciated the attention to detail that Sodexo chefs paid to the meals. “I thought that Sodexo lady was a zombie,” said Seth Marx, an undeclared freshman. “But no, she is just a sad person with problems.” “You should have seen all the thick black

“We originally planned to just dump laxatives into pancake batter” — Poor Spice Spice Girl

hairs I got in my mac and cheese,” said Tara Ntula, a sophomore majoring in climbing things. “My milk expired before 9/11. It was super scary and totally disgusting. Perfect for Halloween.” The selection included spaghetti worms and eyeballs, green “zombie” steak, brain stew, some really mediocre chicken fingers. “We originally planned to just dump laxatives into pancake batter and tell students we had breakfast for dinner night,” Spice said. “However, our food supplier mixed up the order and sent these body parts.” Spice claimed the menu was a prime example of Sodexo’s ability to adapt, with the

exception of the mud pies, which they had in the kitchen already and have been trying to sell all semester. Ra T. Chet, a freshman majoring in taking up space on State Street, said the food was “delightful” before her tongue fell out and shriveled up from a combination of the meal and her blatant lies. She now has four senses. Most of the confusion stemmed from the recent addition of fake blood and corpse behind the grill as decorations. Upon further inspection, the bodies were identified as members of Binghamton University’s administration who fought against the renewal of Sodexo’s contract with the University. When asked how she could charge students for the spoiled food, CIW cashier Sue glared unblinking at the Pipe Dream reporter for 18 straight minutes, muttering something about “the beast,” before the reporter collapsed in a cold sweat. The reporter on the job was unavailable for comment, as he faded from existence soon after.

Over 150 students used the same fake ID to get into Tom and Marty’s Thursday night on what is being called the “D-Day” of passbacks. The fraudulent Watford City, North Dakota ID, which expired in the year before “The Italian Job” was released in theaters, belonged to Gideon Rosenthal, a sophomore majoring in chemistry. “My friend Jack forgot his ID that night, so I lent him mine,” Rosenthal explained. “But Jack gave it to his friend, and he gave it to his friend…” Rosenthal said that he doesn’t remember anything after that, but is reportedly surprised that his ID worked so well for everyone. “I’m a one armed Filipino burn victim,” he said. “It’s just not that common a look at this school.” Bouncers at various State Street bars said that nothing seemed out of the norm on Thursday night. “If it scans … it scans,” said Zach Moyers, a bouncer at The Mousekeller. The night was almost ruined by a raid on Tom and Jerry’s at 1:30 a.m. “I thought we were screwed at first,” said the owner of one State Street

See RECORD Page 4


Drunk Sluts

Freshmen in their natural habitat.



UP Gets 2nd chipotle By TwerkMaster Black | Assistant Contributor To compete with the luxury apartments Downtown, University Plaza (UP) is fighting back. This weekend, the living community opened a new food establishment in the complex. Well, sort of new. It’s a second Chipotle. One hundred feet from the first Chipotle in UP, Chipotle II has ample seating, free Wi-Fi and its availability when the line at Chipotle I is overwhelming. UP spokesperson Ida Boehner announced Wednesday that the plaza has opened a second Chipotle because it was the most sensible option for attracting more students. “Look what happened when we opened the first Chipotle. It was huge!” she said. “We want to show students that there’s more to UP than just overpriced apartments in an inconveniently located strip mall.”

Students are debating the merits of each Chipotle, citing location and taste as two key factors. “Chipotle #1 has better barbacoa, but I have to hand it to the new Chipotle for the convenient location. Before I had to walk like 100 feet to get food, now it’s right by my dorm — I mean apartment,” said Pinto Been, a UP resident and junior wasting his parents’ money. “UP is a great place to live and I love the independence it gives me.” Boehner said she was confident students would be drawn by the added Chipotle option. “Everyone always says the problem with UP is its inconvenience. You know, not close to the bars, not close to campus. But who’s convenient now? We have two Chipotles.”

roadmap to mordor By Dildo Baggins | Smurf University President Harvey Stenger gave a press conference Monday to unveil his new “Roadmap to Mordor.” The new plan was created with the goal of making Binghamton University the “premier public university in Middle Earth.” Plans

include creating the Office of Orc Inclusion and adding new ring-forging facilities in the lava pits of Science IV. The hiring process to find two hobbits to run the program will begin next month.

Girls spend night taking pictures CIW freshman suite too exhausted to go Downtown afterwards Anal Devastater Top Promising to “do better next year,” six freshmen girls from College-in-the-Woods lamented over their 180-picture Facebook album, all of which was taken in and around their suite in Oneida over the course of one Halloween pregame. “I’m happy because I remembered to keep my face turned to the right in all the pictures and sometimes I forget that,” said Karli Snapz, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering but who might major in human development instead, depending on how the semester goes. Snapz wore her mouse ears that never had their moment while explaining exactly why the group missed the 11:45 DCR. “We were taking pictures for around two hours, way before the bus was supposed to come,” Snapz said. “I’m not mad at Karli, but I told her we should’ve taken a break. I was exhausted by the end of it all. Does Karli think I’m mad at her? Anyways, I was way too tired to even think about leaving CIW.” Snapz and her suite were “literally the most upset they’ve been all week,” having spent the last three nights accidentally getting on the Walmart bus — more times than they’d care to admit. “We tried to take shots with the greeter but

he wouldn’t do it.” “Karli keeps trying to tell me it’s my fault that we didn’t make it Downtown. It’s not my fault,” said Diana McArdle, a freshman majoring in undecided. “Did you see my costume, though? Also the fourth picture in our album … should I default that?” The girls spent the next 30 minutes deciding whether she should “default that.” They decided no, she should stick to the one of her pushing the Leaning Tower of Pisa with her mom from this summer. Anushka Jain, a freshman majoring in unrealized potential and the token Indian in the suite, was most upset to see their elaborate plans fall through. “The first place we we wanted to go was Zeta Psi, because we heard they have puppies,” Jain said. “Then we were gonna go to Alpha Sig, Chi Phi, Delta Chi or any ‘Chi’ with guys who pay attention to us.” Marissa Gormlay, a freshman doublemajoring in Spanish and Arabic until she finally realizes that she doesn’t have an ear for languages like she used to in high school, never even got the chance to put her heels on. Gormlay didn’t even take the night’s makeup off. She looked like a raccoon for days, but nobody had the heart to tell her. All in all it was an eventful night for these girls, and even more eventful for their Instagram followers. | Halloween, 2013

Stenger unveils carousel Replaces unpopular infinity fountain, Einstein's Cat Meow Meow Binghamton’s future is looking brighter than ever as our most recent construction project was completed yesterday. As part of the “Roadmap to Success,” the University unveiled a giant carousel in the center of campus. To honor Binghamton’s rich history of carousels, construction workers have completed the most practical and innovative campus construction project in recent memory. The project took one year to complete, and involved tearing down the also newly-constructed Harpur quad, infinity fountain and Einstein’s Bagels. The carousel is now open to all students with a valid student ID. “We’re extremely excited to open the Nelson Mandela carousel,” said BU President Harvey Stenger in a press conference. “Students, I know many of you are thinking, why? What’s the purpose of having a carousel in the middle of campus? Why not just finish the Union? Why not put money towards academics? These are all great questions.” Stenger declined to respond further. “The merry-go-round is stupid,” said David Stein, a sophomore majoring in English who probably doesn’t know anything about carousels. It’s not a merry-go-round. It’s a carousel. There’s a difference. “I have class near the quad and I can’t hear the professor over the sound of carnival music. Also there’s literally an amusement park ride in the middle of campus.” “Binghamton is clearly obsessed with construction,” said Sarah Leary, a junior math major who, despite her math skills clearly can’t calculate the benefits and sheer joy a carousel can bring a small child. “It doesn’t turn

Tk Tk TK TK/Staff Photographer

As part of the “Roadmap to Success,” the newly constructed Nelson Mandela Carousel stands in the middle of Harpur Quad. The recently installed infinity fountain as well as Einstein’s Bagels were ripped out to make way for the children’s ride.

off, and it only plays an instrumental version of ‘Hotel California’ on repeat. Why?” Other people on campus, however, are really enjoying the carousel. Dean of Students April Thompson was seen riding a painted horse for twenty hours trying to socialize with students while exclaiming, “I feel like a child again!” over and over. The ride is most popular between

2-4 a.m. on weekends. Students have been seen riding the horses like mechanical bulls, puking behind the ride and having sex on the ponies. Legend goes that if a student graduates a virgin, the horses will actually gallop away. Though the theory has not been confirmed or denied, one thing is for sure: We stole that from Cornell.

A new option for horny students Scuba Steve Copp Cat Are you tired of dating people your age? Sick of having mediocre sex with guys who don’t know what they’re doing? Looking for a date this Halloween? Stop pretending that something good will come out of OkCupid and head on over to Date My Professor, the up-and-coming dating site that you’ll definitely want to give a great grade. The site, launched earlier this month, is stirring up controversy across campuses nationwide and is gaining more and more members every day. “This is a dream come true for me,” said Courtney Stodden, a sophomore majoring in daddy issues. “I’ve never seen the appeal in dating guys my age. There’s nothing sexier than people asking you if your boyfriend is your

father!” Dolores Haze, the website’s developer, got the idea as a lovesick undergraduate. “I had the biggest crush on one of my professors my junior year. We talked extensively about ‘Jane Eyre,’ and I wrote my phone number on my final paper. We fucked, but I wanted it to lead to something more.” Date My Professor is very similar in style to the popular but less sexy Rate My Professor — students rank professors on hotness, intelligence, charm, sense of humor and how good they are in bed. Professors also post personal statements, which usually include their likes, dislikes and sexual orientation. “I understand why young women love this site so much, but I’m a fan myself,” said Mary Kay Letourneau, a professor in the graduate school of

education. “I love younger men, and I love the thrill of chasing a student.” Humbert Humbert, a professor of creative writing, agreed. “I like ‘em young,” Professor Humbert said, in possibly the clearest and shortest statement he has ever uttered. While many critics of Date My Professor are decrying the website and the motivations behind teacher-student relationships, one student argues that there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to your professors, and vice versa. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Jo March, a senior majoring in English. “Everyone acts like it’s so scandalous when students date their professors, but who isn’t attracted to hot, brilliant, hilarious men? Date My Professor is the best thing to ever happen to my sex life.”

TOWER Of terror BU: 'you get used to it' Oral Stein

Ship's Captain

Students on Halloween got a thrilling scare when the filled elevator in the Library Tower began malfunctioning, sending the passengers shooting up and down the elevator shaft at exhilarating and unsafe speeds. But despite popular opinion, this wasn’t a Halloween thrill ride. The library elevator is just shitty. “I peed myself,” said Walter Vaulter, a senior majoring in elevators. “The library is usually the center of campus sadness. Not today!” Other students were equally thrilled by the life-threateningly unsafe elevator. “Let’s go again! Let’s go again! This is almost as cool as the carousel!” gushed Wally Smith, a senior who doesn’t exist. “No wonder Rod Serling wanted to be born here!” At one point, the elevator actually stopped on the 11th floor, and one sophomore got off the “ride” because he finally located his TA’s office. He exited the elevator and screamed at his TA for

20 minutes about his B on the midterm. Students were particularly impressed by the way one wall of the elevator opened up at the highest floor to reveal a stunning view of the Binghamton campus before plummeting back downwards. “I could see the line for the elevator stretching all the way out of the building,” said Bling Fling, who bent down to tie his shoelaces. “The view from the top was breathtaking.” Other students pointed to the elevator entering new dimensions of sound, sight and mind as their favorite part of the ride. “I thought it was pretty cool how I was suddenly floating in outer space with doors and mathematical equations spiraling around,” noted Rodney Sir-Ling, an old guy. “I hadn’t planned on crossing beyond the fifth dimension when I woke up this morning, but it was a fun addition to my afternoon.” Despite warnings that if they got back into the elevator they would actually die, the passengers reentered, and actually died. But they had a lot of fun!

Long Dong Silver Office Slut

In a hastily arranged press conference, Binghamton University President Harvey Stenger announced the school’s official new slogan: “Binghamton University: You get used to it.” According to Stenger, the change came after he woke up one morning and looked out of his bedroom window. “I suddenly realized that this place kinda sucks,” said the leader of the University, which is ranked 97th in the United States of America, “but it’s a suckiness that I can deal with. It’s actually kind of endearing now.” Other proposed slogans included “BU, because you couldn’t afford the other BU”; “Binghamton, because

you’re not good enough for Cornell”; “Sorry, there aren’t any SUNY schools in NYC”; and “At least it’s not Brockport.” Danny Etzioni, a senior “majoring” in film, likes the slogan change and explained that his three and a half years at BU have been overwhelmingly mediocre, but not entirely disappointing. “It’s not like I’m telling all my friends to transfer to Bing,” he said, “but, like, I mean, if they did it wouldn’t be the end of the world.” Nicholas Reade, a sophomore who doesn’t go to class, approved of the slogan change. “Yeah, I totally see where the president is coming from,” Reade said. “I transferred here from Fordham second semester freshman year and I was really unhappy. But now I’m slightly less unhappy. And that’s good

enough for me.” Stenger also revealed that Binghamton University would cease what he described as “false advertising.” “I used to say that Binghamton University was the ‘Crown Jewel’ of the SUNY system,” he said, “but then I went on the Internet and searched for what a crown jewel looks like, and BOY was I wrong!” Stenger believes that these changes will help usher the University into the 21st century. “We need to acknowledge that we’re aiming to be 10th best in the state,” he said. “Binghamton University may not have hundreds of millions in funding, or a beautiful campus, or a stellar social scene, or a lively college town, or the smartest students, but we’re still technically a school. And that’s what matters.”

PAGE THE 13TH Halloween, March 19, 2013

Pipe Line


Local Asian students face costume crisis A number of Asian-American students have reported that since Korean artist Psy is no longer a relevant cultural icon, they’re facing trouble figuring out what to dress as this Halloween. “We had Jeremy Lin two years ago, then Psy,” said a student whose name we probably would have spelled wrong. ”Now what? We’re at a loss. And my parents will be even more disappointed with me if I dress as Kim Jong-un.” Freshman girl strategically holding beer at party Daniella Basner, an undeclared freshman, was seen holding a Solo cup full of warm Keystone at an Alpha Sig party Saturday. When asked what she was drinking, Basner replied, “Oh, I’ve just been holding this. I just don’t like the taste.” Sources confirmed that throughout the hour and a half she spent stumbling between various fraternity brothers’ rooms, peeing in the shower and slurring her way through “We Can’t Stop,” Basner did not take a single sip of her beer. She explained her reasoning. “Boys like beer. I like attention,” Basner said. “How else can I get them to want meshdflkgfjdflkeh sldkfj.” (The remainder of the conversation was incomprehensible. Basner was too hungover to be reached for further comment.) Grim Reaper comes to Downtown Binghamton, leaves immediately Death Incarnate visited Downtown Binghamton on Wednesday morning, but quickly left after discovering that everyone was already dead on the inside. “Jesus fucking Christ,” said the Angel of Death. “Where on God’s green earth am I?” The Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse held his scythe close to his bony chest as he looked into the soulless eyes of the people walking down the street. “Fuck this,” said the immortal being. “I’m going back to hell.”

Student blows Pipe Dream photographer to get into Weekend Warriors A Binghamton University sophomore recently performed oral sex on a Pipe Dream photographer to get into the paper’s exclusive Weekend Warriors photo spread. The fellatio occurred in the parking lot next to The Rathskeller Pub. “It was worthwhile,” both students agreed. Rathskeller owner Drew Urso, who witnessed the act, said it was “nothing I haven’t seen around here before.”

Jonathan Heisler/Photo Editor


Police blotch A lighter take on campus crime

Oh deer! Police reported to the scene after reports of flaming, screaming deer fleeing from the Nature Preserve. Officers found a small brushfire that smelled of woodland creature. A tiny burned acoustic guitar was found at the scene. The investigation is still open. That’s Nuts! Officers, detecting the smell of marijuana, knocked on a tree asking if anyone was home and a squirrel answered. After denying having any weed the squirrel admitted there was a buried joint nearby his tree but that it was his friend’s. Officers attempted to apprehend the subject but he fled into a hole. Case is still open.

Children of the acorn Officers found their cop cars defaced with what is reported to be the color of “scrapped acorn residue.” The vagrants wrote “suck on my nuts” and “squirrels can talk and we are pissed” with all the “I’s” dotted with acorns. Campus is on lockdown and students are asked to report any squirrel sightings to Union Police. Squirrel anarchist group killed in shootout Officers responded to a report of renegade anarchist squirrels lobbing flaming acorns at the C4 Dining Hall. When told to put their hands up one squirrel yelled, “Nature Preserve for life, bitch” and took aim at officers. UPD returned fire and all anarchist squirrels died. Officers suffered minor burns. The investigation is still open.

Todays headlines —Student sells soul of his first-born child to Satan for a room in Bartle —Girl runs into every guy (and one girl?) she’s ever hooked up with in a row in Rolando’s Diner —Harvey Stenger’s wife doesn’t accept Miley/Robin Thicke couples costume idea —Junior is haunted by memories of what happened to at her family’s lakehouse last summer —Rasa’s ghost seen Downtown: ‘I’m not a ghost, I’m still alive,’ said ghoulish shadow of her youthful self —Man wearing ‘Scream’ mask attempts to murder everyone at Late Nite Binghamton, fails after realizing they’re all virgins —Sophomore watches BTV 6, is killed a week later by struggling film major who walks out of her TV —Student walking Downtown during the day unable to distinguish between zombies or crack addicts —Engineering student/RA creates Frankenstein monster in his Mountainview dorm —Sigma AEPi girl accidentally walks into AEPhi date party, girls drown her in pig blood —Senior girl legally changes last name to ‘Rose’ so employers can’t find her; Facebook account still uses her original last name —Junior studies abroad, hates it: ‘It wasn’t even worth it to Instagram’ —Spring 2014 Restaurant Week renamed ‘Lost Dog Week’ —Union Food Court opening delayed for two years because

stabilizing: spookie ookie

construction worker ‘feels under the weather’ —Engagement announcement: Pipe Scream opinion writer to wed nice pre-med student; parents support her decision to drop out of college —Dickinson iconic statue speaks out: ‘Stop treating me like an Object!’ —Professor bends spoon with his mind —Whole in the Wall alleged to have been dumping bodies in a Whole in the Backyard —Downtown students think their basement is haunted; turns out it’s just a meth lab —APES hangs pledges in front of mansion as Halloween decorations —Student eats full plate of Sodexo sushi, live alien bursts out of her stomach —Priest successfully performs exorcism at Davis College —Edgar Allan Poe comes for writers series, hears beating heart halfway through and has to leave —WHRW plays only explicit Rihanna and Ghostface Killah songs for ‘Mischief Night’ —20 Hawley runs new ad campaign: ‘The HOTTEST place to live Downtown!’

mean to the townies and tony soprano :destabilizing | October 31, 2013



Squatters found in old Dickinson Vagrants take over abandoned dorm buildings Dick & Sons Community

After several students reported hearing whispers and rustling sounds coming from behind the boarded up windows of the Digman building in Old Dickinson, a UPD investigation revealed that squatters had taken up refuge in the closed residential community. The vagrants were found huddled together in the common room of the building. Sources said that the squatters were in Dickinson for the entire semester. Sources also indicate that the squatters wouldn’t leave for days at a

time, hunted their own deer for food and clothing, created a new religion, hot boxing the boarded up rooms, made a false idol of the Dickinson god out of asbestos, sacrificed the weakest squatter to the Dickinson gods, and all converted to the religion of Dickensonism. Sources indicate that Dickensonism a pretty complex faith with multiple testiments: many of the students only believe in the Old Dickensonism, while many only practice New Dickensonism. This is a metaphor for Christianity. Sources feel like they know too much and are little freaked out. “Their living conditions

were horrible” said one visibly shaken officer. “There were hundreds of deer carcases and one dead dude on a sacrificial pire. And how about those bathrooms! So dirty!” UPD found several stolen laptops in the makeshift settlement which were being used to scour B-Line for events offering free food. “The way these people were planning, they could have lived off of complimentary Nirchi’s for years,” said an officer. “It’s genius.” They were offered temporary refuge in a vacant Hinman suite, but declined the offer. Editor’s Note: We let this one get weird. Get over it.

Candy without blades? Local parents outraged at candy's safety

Eileen Lusk

irregularly shaped pieces of sharp metal, but this year they didn’t bring home a single shiv.” Joseph Zikuski, Chief of the Local Binghamton parents Binghamton Police Department, were dismayed Thursday when said that this year’s absence of they found their children’s barbed, poisonous or flammable Halloween candy to be completely material in local candy was both devoid of any razor blades. alarming and inexplicable. “I don’t understand,” said “Threatening candy is a Martha Angler, mother of three. Binghamton tradition, just “Every year Jenny and Allen like clouds and being close to get at least four or five jagged, Pennsylvania,” Zikuski said. mom

Many in the community have searched through their children’s bags of candy and have only managed to find small shards of broken glass at most, a thought that leaves many people spooked. “We did get the usual assortment of hypodermic needles, meth and broken dreams,” said one parent. “This stuff keeps me young.”

Passbacks set records few minutes to realize that it was just sorority girls as slutty police officers — classic Halloween misunderstanding.” Sources confirmed that the ID was finally confiscated after being used by a blonde sorority sister, a set of twins, a 13-year-old Vestal Middle School student, a dog on its hind legs and a pair of midgets stacked on top of each other in a ghost bedsheet to try and discover what love with a real girl is like.

“I knew something was weird when I saw the blonde,” the bouncer said. According to the Broome County Sherriff’s office, there were reports of people using Rosenthal’s ID in towns as far away as Schenectady. “I pulled a kid over for speeding on Interstate 95 a few miles north of Albany,” Highway Patrol officer Daniel Sher said. “He presented me with Rosenthal’s ID, and I had

no reason to believe he wasn’t who he said he was. I’m ashamed.” By 2 a.m., the ID had become the stuff of legend on State Street. Even students who were actually of legal age wanted to use Rosenthal’s. “Yea it was pretty strange,” said Christopher Hollander, the owner of Pasquale’s Pizza. “Students were trying to use the ID just to buy a slice.”

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Arts & Torture

Choose your own Downtown adventure Too lame to actually party this Halloween? Do this thing instead. Satan | Assistant Discharge Editor

It’s Thursday night at Binghamton University, and you’re getting ready to go Downtown. But tonight is not your average Thursday night. Oh no, tonight is very different indeed. That’s because it’s Halloween, and while Downtown Binghamton is usually pretty terrifying, tonight, it’s going to be scarier than ever before.

1. Your foray into darkness begins in your spooky dorm room, where you’ve already had a thrilling afternoon of watching six hours of “Law & Order: SVU.” Suddenly, your iPhone ruptures the monotony of your existence with one fateful text. It’s your friend Kristen, she’s having a pregame in New Dickinson. Do you go? (Go to number 2.) Or do you smoke an ounce of weed in your suite bathroom? (Go to number 7.) The choice is yours.

2. New Dick: After the 10-minute wait for her to answer your text and let you in, you arrive to find Kristen and eight of her pledge sisters. None of them introduce themselves. They’re dressed as two sets of Mean Girls. Is Karen II that girl who wears a lot of black in your math in action class? You aren’t sure. You go out on a limb and ask her. She says no. Things are going very well for you. Ten shots later, you’d think the ice would break, but these girls actually suck. Do you stay? (Go to number 3.) Do you leave? (Go to number 7.)

3. You stay with them: They lie about where they’re going and kick you out of the cab at the wrong frat. You’re alone. At APES. Good luck. (Go to number 4.)

4. Fuck these girls: Suddenly you find your drunk, alone self at the Union bus stop and get on the first bus you see. Next thing you know you’re outside of The Belmar. What is this place? Suddenly, a pregnant 17-year-old with a beer bottle in her hand ditches her toothless romantic pursuit of the evening and approaches you. She tells you about a party on the west side. Do you go? Absolutely. (Go to number 6.) Absolutely not? (Go to number 5.)

5. This pregnant bitch’s eyes suddenly widen and she lets out a sinister laugh. She opens her mouth and fangs appear. She is a pregnant vampire. She bites your throat and you DIE.

6. Party: You roll up with your squad of two, counting the baby, to North Street. You’ve never been to a party in the actual projects before. You go in, and are the hit of the party. Two weeks later, you rise the ranks of the Downtown black market and become a drug king pin/overlord of the slums. This is why you always listen to pregnant women; they know where the ratchet parties are.

7. You decide, screw it, Halloween is just another day, why the fuck would you go out and meet people you’ll inevitably end up hating when you can smoke and watch seven hours of Adult Swim until you pass out on the common room couch covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust and your own ejaculatory fluids.

In an inspiring display of the lack of creative talent on campus, friends of performers, regretful strangers and one BSSL guy attended a simply awful open mic in the Undergrounds. “I attended all three excruciating hours of the open mic,” said undeclared senior Matt Walsh. “And after, I wanted to be under the ground.”

Trick or treat If you’re going trick-or-treating Downtown, here are some tricks and treats you should expect when you knock on a tow — err, local’s front door! 1. slice of Nirchi’s 2. cigarette butt 3. a razor blade, not even cleverly hidden in candy; just a razor blade. 4. mystery syringe 5. a baby 6. one dreadlock … of dread! 7. speedie 8. speed 9. food stamp 10. Kit Kat bar! Happy Halloween!

performed by a sophomore who’s been playing guitar for a year An interpretive dance consisting of only hand clapping A stand-up comic who only does Sodexo jokes A guy who just did his psych homework on stage A mime who does impressions of mute people Koinionia’s beat box guy A girl who was a pretty decent pianist until her boyfriend called halfway through her Beethoven

The library basement at night Clowns 8:30 a.m. class. Aw, man!

Mandatory RA events

Trying to get a job with a BA in English

That Sodexo custodian who has been staring at my friend and smiling for the last 20 minutes Darkness Harpur Advising Living in Hillside ZBT Mayoral candidate Rich David

Is anyone on this campus talented? Can anyone do anything? Side note: Matt Walsh, senior and undeclared? Get your shit together dude. The open mic was hosted by the Sylvia Plath Literary Fraternity, or SQPMAF, and was literally terrible. It took place at 8 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 20, a date that will go down in history as a beacon of mediocrity. “I was mad high and it was still terrible,” said another guy. The open mic lineup was as follows: Four Death Cab for Cutie songs

This Halloween season, things are getting pretty spooky around Binghamton. We surveyed 300 students on campus and asked, What terrifies you the most? Here were our top answers!

Piss your pants

Open Mic in Undergrounds is terrible John Author | Barista

Terror Meter

number. She spent the rest of the performance screaming at him. And a dead badger All things considered, this was actually an average event for the Undergrounds. Next week’s acts include: 90’s night A poetry slam Some cellist A screening of Madagascar 3

My quiet Hinman suitemate whom I’ve only seen twice so far this semester My west side landlord

Telling Lauren I don’t want to be exclusive anymore

Students who sign up for chem-free housing

Shit your pants

Murder playlist: songs to do the dirty to This article will haunt the top 5 on the website for years to come Edward Scissorhands | Hair Stylist Everyone knows that murder can be a tricky subject. While most college students are eager to have it, trying to decide the manner in which to go about it can sometimes cause uncertainty. Whether you are

about to seal the deal for the first time or celebrate an anniversary with your longtime sweetheart, sometimes what’s needed most to set the mood is a little music. Having a murder playlist can downplay those initial awkward minutes, as well as serve as a spark to keep the momentum going until the end. One thing

that is important to remember, however, is knowing who your audience is. Putting on Slayer’s “South of Heaven,” a raunchy club banger about doing it anywhere and everywhere, may be less than impressive to your girlfriend of three years. The key is to have an understanding of the type of

relationship you have with your respective partner, and what kind of music would be suitable for your most intimate moments together. Below is a list of suggested songs that will ensure you the ultimate “let’s get it on” experience.

Queen – “Don’t Stop Me Now” One Republic – “Apologize” “Wheels on the Bus” Pocahontas soundtrack – “Colors of the Wind”

Death – “Baptized in Blood” the Circus” GG Allin – “I Wanna Kill You” Blue Öyster Cult – “(Don’t Chris Brown – “Take You Fear) The Reaper” Down” Jessica Simpson – “Take My Christina Aguilera – “Enter Breath Away”

The Nyan Cat song Roberta Flack – “Killing Me Softly” Slayer – “South of Heaven” Rihanna – “Stay”

Photos by John Wayne Gacy, Killer Clown

Nerds! You’ve never looked better, and we mean that. The usual, overwhelming nausea we feel while we peruse the student body … we don’t feel that when we look at these photos. Something about your most recent drunken spell did you all some good, and we’re glad. Sore eyes, take a look. Binghamton has never looked so good #halloweekend #minimalism #wegetityourebroke #fuckyourface | October 31, 2013



The Gates to Hell The events center: where there’s the ghost of a once-good, independently wealthy team. Because of the drugs. Harpur advising aka English major purgatory Hillside: Where dreams go to die

Food co-op, where free-trade food, republicans and people who shower are banned

The Premire haunted map of the northeast That bench we sat on when Lauren said she loved me for the first time.

BTV6: House of haunted virgins

M lot: the bermuda triangle of campus parking

Ghosts of the children conceived in Bartle Mike’s room. He is my drug dealer and is super reliable.

Forbidden forest of the nature preserve, including mythical creatures such as squirrels, deer, high people¶

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Delaware, where the demons rise during a haunted time knownas “break housing”

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Lauren’s room. I bet she’s sleeping with that guy on the hockey team still. Haunted by a total bitch.

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October 31, 2013 |


Last Minute Costumes Ceiling Fan


Students exhibit disdain for new fountain by converting it into toilet Despite all the mess, it remains to be the cleanest bathroom in the library area.

Fantasy Football

"I just came in my pants."

404 Error

Iron Man


RELEASE DATE– Saturday, August 4, 2007

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis

Iron Chef


Iron Chef

ACROSS 1 Brightness measure 7 Hank Aaron or Mia Hamm 15 One often seen in curls 16 Explorer of the Southwest 17 Yellow Teletubby 18 It may be under the rug 19 Like some elephants 20 Coke, e.g. 21 Overthrows, say 22 Ice cream flavor 24 Ocean 25 Invoice abbr. 26 Sound catcher 27 Sponges 29 Small municipality, briefly 31 Toasting line 36 Tennis score 37 Cause to crack up 38 They have their orders 39 Handicap aids 41 Castigate 42 Be inclined 43 Commuter’s choice 45 NASA excursion 46 Training ctr. that once included a mock Vietnam village 49 Press agent? 51 Security interest 52 Punkie, e.g. 54 Rouge alternatives 55 Undivulged 57 “Camptown Races” syllables 58 __ & Teicher, ’60s-’70s keyboard duo 59 Nicaraguan president 60 It counteracts closeness 61 Hanging ornament

DOWN 1 Home of the Shah Faisal Mosque 2 Fictional name literally meaning “merely almost.” 3 Cross-country adventure, maybe 4 Key of Beethoven’s “Eroica” symphony 5 Medium setting 6 Musical syllable 7 Carry on 8 The stuff of legends 9 Former Kazakhstan port city that’s now landlocked 10 Dizzy jazz? 11 “Father Knows Best” family 12 “Whale Rider” extra 13 Deck out 14 Longship crewmen 20 Relief pitchers 23 Big laugh

24 NYC transp. line named for two boroughs 27 It’s most likely to succeed 28 Runs out of 30 Sitcom fodder 32 Bemoan 33 Year-end periods 34 As often as not 35 S. Gerard in “The Fugitive,” e.g.

40 Kind of symbol 44 Arizona neighbor 46 False step 47 New home subcontractor 48 Raison __ 49 Harder to dig up 50 Origins 52 Actress Gershon 53 “Don’t look at me!” 56 Backing cry 57 Point


By Frederick J. Healy (c)2007 Tribune Media Services, Inc.




The Basement Spookey Ookey Ookey A crack in the earth's crust, N.Y. 13902 Phone: 585-727-6902


Fax: 631-355-5079 Web:

Thursday, October 31, 2013 Halloweener Big Daddy* Miley Cyrus Mama Bear* I'll organize your life can'

Freshman* Black and Blorth High Schoolers Striped Pants Mr. Bean LARP again Yenta* Editorial at 8? Nobody* Wait, you don't know me? Overheard Uhhhhhhmmmmm.... How Ya Doin* Don't worry 'bout it Guardians of the Water Cooler Gnome Fiesty bland* Smokin' like ribs

Generous* The Ochode Biddies Kraken I like my broth hot and steamy Biochem Major* Roundfaced Asian Butt I can't use photoshop Charcoal Master I draw things Allergic to Alcohol* I get contact drunk Asst. Sloppy Desk Chief I drink for her ^ <a href="webstuff"> Web </a> Tall Brazilian We Miss You Facebook Master She runs a lot Facebook too She does this I do that He's hacked BU Secure* What a Bro

Rolling in the money* Not in SOM Ummm......what? Who? Wait, Who?

Pipe Scream is published by the some shitheads, who have sole and final discretion over the parchment paper’s content and personal lives. *Positions seated in the bull pen are denoted by an asterisk. Pipe Scream is published while drunk and gorging ourselves on candy while in costume, except during miley cyrus dance breaks and hazing. Pipe Scream accepts sex and alcohol, from undergraduate students, graduate students and just about anyone. Submissions should be 20-30 minutes in length and be worth the condom. Submissions must include the social security number and credit card number, and mother's maiden name. Graduate students and faculty members should indicate what type of candy they will be handing out. Halloween costume is to be disclosed and may be noted at Pipe Scream's discretion. Anonymous submissions are for those too self concious to dress up. Any bullshit referenced must be properly cited from credible news sources like The Free Press. Pipe Scream reserves the right to make fun of freshman, and mess with your face in weekend warriors. All submissions become octopi of Pipe Scream. Submissions may be e-mailed to Dad at Views expressed in the opinion pages represent the opinions of gods and goddesses. The only piece which represents the views of the Pipe Scream smurfs is the goblin Editorial, above. The Bull Pen is composed of the Freshman, Miley Cyrus, Yenta, Tony Soprano, and Nobody.

Dear Student Association, W e have a few suggestions for this year’s Halloween festivities, and some general advice for how to do your jobs.

Let’s make this clear. We love the SA. Pipe Dream sort of feels like your weird stepsister who lives in the basement, pacing in the middle of the night and begging to be heard. We’re like your edgy counterpart, the rum to your coke, the Wicked Witch of the West to your Glinda, the Darian to your Samson. In short, you guys make the rules and we shit on them. But hear us out on this one. It’s Halloween, so let’s put our differences aside like our salaries from the budget, and forget about analyzing who’s more relevant on campus (it’s us). We get it — you’re the crown jewel, the Zenith of the University Union. You’re the one people call on when they have a burning desire to rally for an issue; we’re the place lost people go when they have a burning desire to pick up their care package from their parents. IT’S DOWN THE

The True Meaning Of Halloween Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter It’s that time of year again. Ladies of Binghamton will put on their tightest dresses and reddest lipstick to go Downtown and pass themselves off as cats. The boys on campus will hope that the girls have had enough to drink to make that their “dick in a box” costume just as funny as it is culturally relevant. All in all, it’s a weekend like every other drunken weekend on State Street that’s loosely justified by a hallmark holiday that’s taken too far by college excess. As I see the same intoxicated idiots year after year, I find myself asking a question that I’m sure is on everyone’s minds: Have we lost the true meaning of Halloween? As a child, I remember going to local graveyards with my parents — towing with us the goat we had picked out together the week before — and slaughtering it to appease the vengeful spirits who roam the earth. As we smeared the blood on our faces and genitals we chanted the traditional R’lyehian prayers that we not be swallowed by the souls of damned. We’ve got to take a little time as a family to really reflect on how fragile our mortal bodies are in comparison with the dark spirit of the Demon Lord. All of these traditions, the ones that my parents and grandparents have practiced for generations, are getting lost in our bullshit American culture of consumerism. What is Halloween really about? Is it candy and drinking, or is it about begging Azazel and Moloch to save our small, pathetic souls? It’s time to reevaluate what really matters.

FUCKING HALL, FOLLOW THE SIGNS. People come to us to complain — about what we print, what we don’t print, what we think or pretend to know. They complain about how our editorials are meandering, wordy and don’t really say anything. These are valid points. But what we really want you to know is that we’re on your side. We just never agree with you. And it’s not that it’s never, it’s just that it doesn’t ever happen. But sometimes it does. There are a lot of things we really agree on, like the fact that we’re different! Seriously, though, can you just pick a fucking OCCT system and stick with it? We hate writing the articles that nobody reads, and we know you hate responding to our calls about them (hey Derrick). Ultimately, though, we are all looking to better the

University. Together, we could do some amazing things: foster strong relationships, host thrilling and well-attended (lol) events, strengthen relationships between the community, campus and Hillside. The point is, we have a lot of work to do, but we have faith. Let’s make this year the strongest we can, with clearly constructed points and an easily accessible message that doesn’t go anywhere after 300 words (and counting). Love, Pipe Dream Editorial Board P.S. I’m a little drunk. P.P.S. The Pegasus statue looks like a goddamn wishbone. Am I right?

Letters to the Editor To the Editor: What the fuck? School? On Halloween? Today is Halloween, though you might not have noticed it, because, if tradition stays true, the University will not give it the same recognition it does to Jewish holidays like Rosh HasShanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Purim, Sukkot, Simchat Torah, Rosh Chodesh, Tu B’av, Pesach Sheni and the Rebbe’s Yahrzeit. Please don’t misunderstand this as a gripe against Jewish holidays or Jews. I think Jews are great. Some of my best friends are Jews. Baxter’s Bear Mitzvah? Best event this school’s had in years! Plus, I love how economical Jews are. And their sense of smell — beyond compare! One time I lost a dollar. I was ready to let it go, but my friend Shmuel Shmulevitz sniffed his way right to that Washington! And guess where he found it!? Somehow my dollar ended up in his wallet! Weird… Anyway, Jews, Jesus, Halloween. It’s a simple as that really. If I want to spend the day trick-or-treating and singing Christmas carols dressed up as zombie Jesus, why should the University make me go to school on this sexy-sacred day. My math in action professor told us he’s coming to class in costume. No one wants to see that. Blorth gets it. BonerBurger out

To the Editor (who is a woman, might I add): Heteronormativity gets a bad rep. Why not return to a time when boys were boys, girls were girls and Sodexo employees were plainly genderambiguous? Where did all this liberal dribble drabble about gender and sexuality as social constructs even come from, am I right? I am thus hereby publicly announcing the public announcement of my campaign to de-enlist the Women’s Studies major from the Binghamton University list of real majors. Women’s Studies joins the ranks of other faux-majors including H-dev, Witch Studies, History and Genital Studies (all real majors) (Really!!) (Not really). Signed, Will Jeever (jk don’t include that) (maybe…) To the Editor: We can’t. It’s just. Ughh. Stop being so good! Signed, The Binghamton Review To the Editor: They say that there is not enough to do in Binghamton if you drink, and it’s true. Alcohol-wise is unduly prejudicial to those who drink.

To the Editor: This Halloween, raise the bar. Dress as a slutty jaguar, ophthalmologist or CEO. This is the 21st century, show the world that women can be whatever they want. You can be a high achiever and still show enough teet and nip to get laid. Assuming this Halloween is like others, you’ll see Bing girls dressed as slutty pussycats, horny nurses and scantily clad secretaries (and don’t get me started ‘bout those BCC biddies). That we have the need to dress immodestly to attract men is a product of the ridiculous gender hierarchy that rules this country. The patriarchy penetrates us, pressures us to wear these costumes, and it has got to stop. Even though the wage gap is still a problem in this society, that doesn’t mean that women can’t depict themselves as bankers and petroleum engineers #Watson 2015. As Indira Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” The point is, girls, you are better than this. We are better than this. Your mother didn’t raise you to strut down State Street in a skintight French maid costume with your boobs hanging out, did she? Don’t degrade yourself like that. You can be the manager of an entire cleaning enterprise. Be the boss of hundreds of employees who do the dirty work for you. You’re from Long Island, no? Organize files, acquire clients and gain a good reputation for your company throughout the region. Who knows, maybe in 2016, we can all dress as a slutty woman president. Signed, Mary McDonald


Halloween, 2013 |



Pumpkins to replace balls in NCAA Tourney Tony Soprano Mob Boss

Binghamton basketball fans will see something they’ve never seen before when they attend games at the Events Center this season, and no, it’s not going to be a 25-win program. In a confounding decision — surprise, surprise — the NCAA announced this week that all Division I teams will substitute pumpkins for basketballs in 2013-14 in an effort to decrease scoring. “After much thought and consideration, we have elected to mitigate the defensive struggles of 2012-13 by switching to the pumpkin,” the NCAA said in a statement. “Fans grew disinterested in college basketball with so many teams scoring more than 70 points on a nightly basis last year.” The Bearcats, who eclipsed the 70-point mark three times in the 2012-13 season, along with a few other squads, served as the impetus for the NCAA’s decision, according to one Division I coach. “You see teams like that, like Lamar, like South Carolina State, hitting 70 points,”

2013-14 SEASON



the coach said, “and that raises a red flag. Something had to be done.” The Bearcats, however, responded to the NCAA’s announcement with discontent. “Man, I spent all summer improving my jumpshot, and then they come in and say we’ve got to shoot pumpkins just a week before the season starts,” sophomore star guard Jordan Reed said. “I mean, I have shot medicine balls before. That’s a thing. But it’s not the same thing. Definitely not the same thing as a damn pumpkin.” Senior forward Roland Brown echoed Reed, adding his two cents on playing down low with a pumpkin. “Has the NCAA ever tried catching a post feed with a pumpkin? Have they?” he asked. “My guess is no. If you catch it on the stem, that could really hurt! We have to leave the game if we start bleeding.” BU head coach Tommy Dempsey evaluated the compromising situation with optimism. “They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” he said. “So by the same token, when the NCAA gives you pumpkins, make pumpkin bread. That’s all there is to do.”



Vusi Mahlasela

(South Africa)

Fredricks Brown featuring Deva Mahal

(New Zealand)

8 P.M.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A celebration of the global influence of American blues music, seen from three very diverse points of viewand three international points of origin.

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WE LOST Halloween 2013

New NCAA Rules: Baseball to be played with live bats


Pipe Scream 2013  
Pipe Scream 2013  

Pipe Dream's Halloween 2013 satire issue!