Piffle Magazine 2017-03

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March 2017 Issue #198

The 7th annual LitFest New West comes to town March 31 to April 2. Renowned CBC Radio traffic person Lisa Christiansen and author Andrea Warner launch the three-day event. See story page 14.

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Peter Julian, MP New Westminster – Burnaby

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance.

Peter Julian’s Community Office (Near New Westminster SkyTrain)

#110-888 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca

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E K E L R N I A E V E A P I T Y L G A P Z P B O O

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H O S S F E G J W N N R G P F C P V B P B U U H U

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A Strong Voice for New Westminster

judydarcy.ca March 2017

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca

604.775.2101

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Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support over the years!

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March 2017

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IMPERIAL PHARMACY BROW OF THE HILL RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION AGM March 2, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m.

New Westminster Public Library — Auditorium

DIGITAL DAYS 2017: THE FUTURE IS Saturday, March 4, 2017 The International Cinematographers Guild (IATSE 669), IATSE 891 Motion Picture Technicians, and the Directors Guild of Canada BC are offering Digital Days 2017: The Future Is Now, an industry conference and trade show March 4 at Anvil Centre. Digital Days offers the BC film community and aspiring filmmakers a rare opportunity to come together and explore, learn and network around creative, technical and business issues arising with new digital technologies, and the impact on script to screen. www.newwestcity.ca/innovatenw

A SOLO EXHIBITION BY PORTRAIT ARTIST YUE BAOYU Opening Reception March 5, 2:00 p.m.–4:00 p.m.

The Gallery at Queen’s Park, First Street and Third Avenue park entrance Exhibition Dates: March 1–26, 2017

QUEEN’S PARK HERITAGE CONSERVATION AREA EVENT March 8, 6:30 p.m.–8:30 p.m.

Saturday, March 11, 1:00 p.m.–4:00 p.m.

City Hall Foyer After more than three years of study and five rounds of community consultation, the provisions of a heritage conservation area for the Queen’s Park neighbourhood have been drafted. The conservation area policy would include mandatory design guidelines for new houses and up to three levels of heritage protection. Come to one of our events, learn about the policy and help us define the future of the historic Queen’s Park neighbourhood!

Please register on Eventbrite at www.newwestcity.ca/qpnhs or call 604-527-4532. Can’t attend an Open House? Complete the online survey at www.newwestcity.ca/qpnhs or send an email with your feedback!

VENDORS AND CRAFTERS WANTED

Vendors and Crafters wanted for the New Vista Care Home Spring Market on Saturday, April 29 from 10:00 a.m.–3:00 p.m. at 7550 Rosewood Street, Burnaby. Contact Dianne at 778-988-2259 ord.olson4@shaw.ca to rent a table for $25. All proceeds go to the New Vista V’s Auxiliary working to improve the lives of our care home seniors.

NEW VISTA CARE HOME SPRING MARKET

New Vista Care Home Spring Market on Saturday, April 29 from 10:00 a.m.– 3:00 p.m. at 7550 Rosewood Street, Burnaby. Live music at 12:30 p.m. with the Unmentionables. Silent Auction, Raffle, Refreshments include hot dogs and Hippie Chips. All proceeds go to the New Vista V’s Auxiliary working to improve the lives of our care home seniors.

THE IRISH WAKERS

March 11, 7:30 p.m.

Queens Avenue United Church, 529 Queens Ave, New Westminster Tel: 604-522-1606 Adults $20 Seniors / Students $15 Join us for lively traditional Irish music.

POETIC JUSTICE READING SERIES March 19, 11:30 a.m.–1:30 p.m.

Boston Pizza, 1045 Columbia St, New Westminster Operating since 2010, Poetic Justice hosts two featured poets and an open mic on the third Sunday of every month. This month’s readers are Bernice Lever and Russell Thornton. Admission is by donation.

Event contact: James Felton 604-767-6908

MON TO FRI 9AM-6PM | SAT 9AM-2:30PM | SUN 9AM-1:30PM 981 Carnarvon Street, New Westminster | 604-523-6767 The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

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March 2017

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By Judy Darcy

E

very time I rise in the BC Legislature, it is the stories and concerns I hear from people in New Westminster that are uppermost in my mind. When I spoke in response to the choices the government made in its February budget , my focus was on how things have become less and less affordable for so many in our community, and about the human impact of years of neglect by this government of vital services like health care and education.

As the MLA for New Westminster since 2013, this was my first experience with a pre-election budget. And I will admit to being shocked at how this budget was completely designed to try and make people forget about the government’s record of the last 16 years.

I hear constantly from parents who are worried about their children learning in seismically unsafe schools — but there was no commitment to fixing that. Education funding in BC has gone from second best to second

worst in Canada, and it is only because the Supreme Court of Canada ordered the government to improve classroom funding that there is any new money for that.

Seniors tell me about waiting in pain for surgery — sometimes for years — because our wait times are amongst Canada’s worst. Our frail elderly in care homes aren’t getting the dignified care they deserve because 9 out of 10 aren’t being funded to meet the government’s own standard for care hours. Home support to allow people to live independently longer is also woefully underfunded — even though it’s far most cost effective than hospital or residential care.

Lack of affordable housing is the number one issue that I hear about in my constituency office — and again, no action. And at a time when so many families are living pay check to pay check, the high cost of child care and tuition, and hikes in ICBC rates and MSP premiums (which have gone up 100% in 15 years) are an enormous burden.

New Westminster residents deserve better — and I will continue to be a strong voice on your behalf.

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THE DONKEY YOU SOLD ME Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, “Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.”

Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, “Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.”

NOT GULITY? O’Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s grand,” shouted O’Gara, “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”

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FISH & CHIPS “I’ll have fish and chips please,” announced O’Driscoll.

“Very well,” said the shopkeeper. “The fish won’t be long.”

“Then they’d better be fat,” suggested O’Driscoll.

DID YE SEE THE PAPER? Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly ‘phoned his best friend Reilly.

“Did ye see the paper,” asked Dermot. “They say I died.”

“Yes, I saw it,” replied Reilly. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN? Father O’Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want go to heaven?”

The man replies, “Yes, Father.”

Father O’Connor then says, “Leave this bar right now, and go outside.”

O’Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, “Yes.” Father O’Connor asks him too to go out.

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The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, “Would you like to go to heaven?”

This time the reply is, “No thank-you Father.”

Surprised, Father O’Connor asks, “Why not?”

The man opines, “I mean I do, but only after I die.”

The Father O’Connor explains, “That’s what I am talking about.”

The man says, “Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.”

THE AUSSIE HORSE LOST TWICE Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horse race. He also lost another hundred on the television replay.

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PAT AND MURPHY Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying ‘Tree fellers’ wanted.

Murphy said to Pat, said, “If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.”

KID

ND SU

SOME NAILS PLEASE “I’d like some nails,” Michael requested of the clerk at the hardware store.

“How long would you like them,” asked the clerk.

“Forever, if that’s all right with you,” said Michael.

FREE SUPER HERO

THE REUNION An Irishman, Kevin, and an American, Clint, are sitting in the bar at Cork Airport supping Guinness.

“I’ve come to meet my brother,” says Kevin. “He’s due to fly in from Chicago in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in 40 years.”

“Will you be able to recognize him,” asks Clint.

“I’m sure I won’t,” responds Kevin. “After all, he’s been away for a long time.”

“I wonder if he’ll recognize you,” questions Clint.

“Of course he will,” replies Kevin. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all.”

GUESTS!

IRISH WORDS An Irish professor of Literature was at conference in Spain. As a conversational ice breaker, his Spanish host asked if the Irish had a Gaelic word similar in meaning to the Spanish — mañana. Sure said the professor, we have five words similar to mañana, but none of them have quite the same sense of urgency.

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CROSSWORD ACROSS

2. Four leaf .

5. A place to drink.

6. The day after Friday.

7. River.

8. Nationality.

9. Saint .

DOWN

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3. When you book something, you’re making these.

4. This is another word for “boat ride”.

5. The Riverboat frequently tours up and down the Fraser River.

PIFFLE’S

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Eva_Galvez@can.salvationarmy.org The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster

March 2017

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w w w. s e l l va n co u ve r h o m e s . co m Rove e n K a n d o l a & A s s o ci ate s R e / M ax R e a l E s tate S e r vi ce s • I n d e p e n d e ntly O wn e d a n d O p e r ate d • N . Towe r 41 0 – 6 5 0 We s t 41 s t Ave

THE OLYMPICS An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea.

Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in.

Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”

ALPHABETI SPAGHETTI “I had an accident opening a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy.

“Were you injured,” inquired Seamus.

“No, but it could have spelled disaster,” said Murphy.

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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

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LITFEST NEW WEST 2017 T

he 7th annual LitFest New West comes to town March 31 to April 2 with award-winning authors and exciting events from literary cafes to kids workshops, writing workshops and a special literary marketplace. Ever wanted to write? This is your chance — join a free workshop. And if you are an avid reader — come on out and hear awardwinning authors read from their works.

March 2017

WEST 2017

POP THIS! PODCAST LAUNCHES LITFEST NEW WEST Renowned CBC Radio traffic gal Lisa Christiansen and author Andrea Warner launch the threeday event with a special live recording of their popular PopThis!

Podcast (where they discuss everything pop culture). They’ll be joined by New West resident, fashion columnist and memoirist JJ Lee at the New Westminster Public Library where a cash bar will help words go down as smooth as ice. The event runs Friday, March 31 from 7:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Get tickets through the library for this event.

Said Janice Bannister, chair of the organizing committee, “this year we wanted events to take place where local residents already socialize by bringing authors, readers and writers into some of New Westminster’s favourite haunts: The Heritage Grill, Judge Begbie’s Tavern, Queen’s Park Gallery, Anvil Centre and River Market to name a few.”

JJ Lee – local New Westminster author.

CELEBRATED AUTHORS FEATURED AT ANVIL CENTRE, APRIL 1 The featured Saturday evening event, Read Aloud: An Evening of Stories, at Anvil Theatre (5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.) coordinated by the Royal City Literary Arts Society showcases: Aislinn Hunter — Winner of the 2015 Ethel Wilson Fiction Prize and New York Times Editor’s Choice for her book, The World Before Us. NasreenPejvak — Author of Amity, finalist for the 2016 Ethel Wilson Fiction Prize and activist who moved to Canada from Iran in the mid-1980s.

Catherine Owen — New West resident and author of 13 collections of poetry and prose with Dear Ghost, her newest 2017 poetry collection.

Carleigh Baker — Cree/Metis/Icelandic writer whose first memoir, Bad Endings, releases in March. She writes book reviews for The Globe and Mail and has been published in a variety of local literary journals.

A WORLD OF STORIES April 1 enjoy an evening of delightful and intriguing storytelling at Judge Begbie’s Tavern with emcee Nic Enright Morin. International storytellers weave a good yarn and remind us how stories connect us, no matter where we’re from. The event runs from 7:30 to 9 p.m. | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

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$250 FREE GAS WITH ANY VEHICLE PURCHASE!* FREE MARKET APPRAISALS

CALL

Joanie Von Schribar

604-299-9181 4650 Lougheed Hwy, Burnaby New & Used Vehicles & Trucks 0% Financing on Select Models SHORT STORY CONTEST SPONSORED WITH $1500 DOLLARS IN PRIZES A short story contest sponsored by local lawyer Dale Darychuk, Q.C., critique sessions, and Literary WordPlay are just some of the other events that just might ignite your own muse.

CHILDREN’S PROGRAMMING A NEW ADDITION New this year LitFest has added children’s programming with two authors at River Market on April 1.

Children’s author and illustrator Lee Edward Födi will demonstrate his writing process, which combines illustration, building, and traipsing through castles, tombs, and crypts. Participants will get to design, make, and paint their very own enchanted egg… then imagine what will hatch out of it. Suitable for ages 7 and up.

Duration: 1.5 hours.

Lee Edward Födi calls himself a daydreaming expert.

He is the author of the Kendra Kandlestar series and was most recently the official illustrator of the 2016 BC Summer Reading Club at your local library.

The other children’s workshop is by Grayson Smith.

Join his fun, creative journey into the microscopic world of a tiny mite. Using the rhyming verse and

New Westminster Lions Club 2nd & 4th Mondays | 6:45 pm “Spend a little time with Lions”

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masterful illustrations in his book, Flight of the Mite, Grayson will guide participants through imaginative play, creative problem solving and sensory explorations. Suitable for ages 5 to 8. Duration: 1.5 hour.

Grayson is a police of ficer, dad and husband. His titles, Flight of the Mite and There’s a N o r s e m a n in t h e C l a s s ro o m ! have enchanted, entertained and engaged children across BC. He founded and operates Peppermint Toast Publishing which produces children’s picture books in profit-sharing partnerships with local charities.

Some LitFest events and workshops have limited seating. Please pre-register for free tickets through the eventbrite links on the website at www.facebook.com/ litfestnewwest or www.litfestnewwest.com.

BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS

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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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Bullying is a major problem in schools, workplaces, homes, and over the Internet. On February 22 each year, many organizations work to raise awareness of these issues through various initiatives around “Pink Shirt Day” campaigns.

New Westminster City Hall staff proudly wear pink in support of Pink Shirt Day.

MARCH 9TH 7:30 PM Grand opening of

JONINA CAMPBELL’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE

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joninacampbell.ca info@joninacampbell.ca 604-540-6419 @joninacampbell /joninacampbell

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THE SMARTEST DOG EVER As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself ‘Whap!’ against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the heck are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

BASEBALL IN HEAVEN Pat and Mike, both in their 90’s, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Pat suddenly fell deathly ill.

Mike visited Pat on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Pat had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, “Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

With his dying breath, Pat whispers, “If God permits, I’ll do my best to get you an answer.”

A few days after Pat died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Pat’s voice.

Pat says, “Mike, I’ve got good news and bad news.

The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven.

The bad news is, you’re scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow’s double-header.”

CALL LIZA

17

for your personalized reading today!

778-898-2146 HOROSCOPES by LIZA MAR 2017 ARIES: Understanding other peoples value systems will assist in making money during this time. Just don’t spend money on things you don’t really need.

TAURUS: You may be called upon to look after a loved one during this time. Whats lacking in the physical will be made up for within the spiritual department.

GEMINI: This is a great time to get together with friends and group activities. Others are attracted to your energy and you have much to share as well as learn.

CANCER: Authority figures are pleased with your recent work efforts. Your recent hard work will finally start to pay off. Keep flirtations to a minimum.

LEO: Go out and try something new this month. Any new form of art or music will open your mind and bring upon a new understanding of the self.

VIRGO: This is a good time to seek out a loan if required. Adjusting to other peoples value system will bring fortune your way. Love is strong and exciting.

LIBRA: Your ability to express affection will bring much love into your life; even with business associates. A good time to make peace if there has been conflict.

SCORPIO: This is a good time to discuss better working conditions. People in authority will be responsive to your ideas and make going forward much easier.

SAGITTARIUS: Your love life heats up during this time. You may find yourself hosting parties and dinners with friends and loved ones. Its all about fun.

CAPRICORN: Home is where the heart is during this time. You may find yourself doing those home renovations that have been sitting on the back burner.

AQUARIUS: Communications of all types take on a much more easy going tone. Others are open to your ideas. Relationships with siblings run smoothly.

PISCES: You may be tempted to spend money on things you don’t really need. This is a good time for new financial opportunities. Be open to new ideas.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18

Do you have a joke you want to share?

Submit them at www.piffle.ca/contact

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH Q: What bow can’t be tied?

A: A rainbow!

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?

A: Because it had a virus!

Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

A: To get a tweetment.

Q: Why did Roger go out with a prune?

A: Because he couldn’t find a date!

Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?

A: A bed.

Q: Where did the computer go to dance?

A: To a disc-o.

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?

A: It barked with de-light!

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A: A taxi driver.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?

A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?

A: Hi Cliff!

Q: Why is England the wettest country?

A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?

A: The road!

March 2017

Name Address

City Province Phone Email

Postal

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Q: How do you shoot a killer bee?

A: With a bee-bee gun.

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?

A: Spring time.

Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?

A: Because it was not peeling well.

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Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

A: The scientists were brainstorming! | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

19

NEW DOG BREEDS • Collie + Lhasa Apso

Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport

• Spitz + Chow Chow

Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot

• Pointer + Setter

Pointsetter: A traditional Christmas pet

• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs: A puzzling breed

• Pekinese + Lhasa Apso

Peekaso: An abstract dog

• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle

• Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes

10 FACTS ABOUT YOU 1. You’re reading this now.

2. You’re realizing that this is a stupid fact.

3. You didn’t notice I skipped number 3.

4. You’re checking now.

and Western di

5. You’re smiling.

6. You’re still reading this even though it is stupid.

7. You didn’t realize I skipped number 8.

8. You’re checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.

9. You’re enjoying this.

10. You didn’t realize I said 10 facts not 12.

OLD IS WHEN… • Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

• A pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

• You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

• “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

• “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

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Two wrongs are only the beginning.

20

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HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN This is how to talk about Men and still be politically correct: • He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. • He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. • He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. • He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. • He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. • He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT. • He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION. • He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED. • He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE. • He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY. • He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. 29 WAYS TO SAY NO 1. I’d love to, but…

2. I have to floss my cat.

3. I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.

4. I want to spend more time with my blender.

5. The Prime Minister said he might drop in.

6. The man on television told me to stay tuned.

7. I’ve been scheduled for a karma transplant.

8. I’m staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

9. It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.

10. It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.

11. I’m building a pig from a kit.

12. I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.

13. I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

14. There’s a disturbance in the Force.

15. I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

16. I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.

17. I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.

18. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

19. I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

20. I’m planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

March 2017

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21

21. My crayons all melted together.

22. I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

23. I’m in training to be a household pest.

24. I’m getting my overalls overhauled.

25. My patent is pending.

26. I’m attending the opening of my garage door.

27. I’m sandblasting my oven.

28. I’m worried about my vertical hold.

29. I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN USING YOUR COMPUTER 1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. The six front keys have rotted out.

4. The RAM slots have Ford truck parts that smell like they were just dipped in gasoline.

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

6. The password is “Bubba”.

7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 8. There is a beer can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

10. The mouse is referred to as the “critter”.

FUNNY DEFINITIONS • ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

• WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

22

SKATING ON THE RIVER

By Evelyn Benson y father claimed that the only time he ever played hooky was one winter day when the Fraser River was frozen solid. He was a teenager at the time, so it had to be before 1910. He borrowed a pair of skates — the kind that clamped with straps and buckles onto ordinary boots.

He started down the North Arm of the Fraser River and headed towards Steveston. He fell down often at first, but finally got the hang of it, for he was a strong athlete. Soon he was gliding in long strides and the miles sped by.

By the time he got to Marpole, he realized he’d better turn back if he were going to make it home before dark.

Easier said than done!

The tide had turned and was rising fast. The Fraser is a tidal river all the way from Mission to the ocean, and as it rose, great cracks appeared in the ice. At first, he easily jumped over the cracks, but eventually, he had to follow a crack until he found the narrowest spot. Then it began to get dark and much more dangerous.

By the time he reached New Westminster he was exhausted and soaked from nervous perspiration and many falls. He was very late for supper, and everyone was worried sick. He had no choice but to confess to skipping school. His parents were so relieved he was home safe and sound, that he wasn’t sent to the woodshed.

Dad also realized what a close call it had been. That’s why his first time playing hooky — was his last. At least that’s what he claimed.

Come to think of it, in my own era, 1949/1950 is the coldest winter I can remember. I was in Grade 10. The

M

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23

MATH MADNESS

cold spell hovered around zero degrees Fahrenheit for nearly two weeks The Fraser River was frozen but steel-hulled ships broke up the ice so no one attempted to skate on it. The ancient furnaces in the schools couldn’t handle temperatures that cold, so some mornings the ink in the inkwells was frozen (ball-point pens had yet to be invented). There was a city-wide rule that in snowy weather, girls could wear slacks TO school but not IN school so we had to ‘change’ before class. This rule didn’t take into account that boys not only wore nice warm trousers in school but they also wore cozy, warm long johns underneath, while bared-kneed girls shivered in those freezing cold and drafty classrooms.

When I complained to my dad about how unfair this rule was to girls during this bitterly cold weather, Dad immediately phoned Roy Shields, Superintendant of Schools in New Westminster, and raised holy hell.

Next day, it was announced that girls were now allowed to wear slacks IN school. Lucky for me and the other girls in town that my dad was Mayor at the time and he knew how to get things done. Unfortunately, when things started to thaw and the school furnaces began to cope, the ‘no-slacks rule’ was reinstated.

Fortunately, in the 1970s when my daughters took part in a ‘protest’ at Herbert Spencer School, the school authorities relented and all girls were allowed to wear slacks IN school — in ANY kind of weather.

This story is from Evelyn Benson’s award-winning book, — A CENTURY IN A SMALL TOWN — One Family’s Stories. Both Book 1 and Book 2 are available at Black Bond Books and www.amazon.com. Watch for more stories in next month’s Piffle.

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once.

Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation.

Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

24

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #32

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

HINT: IN LEAPS AND BOUNDS 1

2

2

2

2

2

7

7

2

4

5

1

1

5 7

7

6

5

1

6

5

4

4

5

2

1

1 3 3 4

3 10 10

3 10 14 8

2

4

2 4 4 4 3 4

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.58)

SUDOKU!

1 7

4

7 5

9 8 2

3 6

7

1

9

7

6

1

6 7

3

8

6 8 3

4 5

1 7

2

6

4

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed 30 01:56:00 2016 GMT. Each Enjoy! block must Each column must Each rowNovmust contain all of the contain all of the contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers and no two numbers and no two numbers in the same column in the same row of a in the same block of of a Sudoku puzzle Sudoku puzzle can a Sudoku puzzle can can be the same. be the same. be the same.

March 2017

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WHAT IS GOING ON WITH FRASER RIVER SALMON? — A CONVERSATION WITH DR. BRIAN RIDDELL, PRESIDENT AND CEO, PACIFIC SALMON FOUNDATION

SARGENT’S T CITY SCENE PETER JULIAN’S SUPPORT FOR LEADERSHIP ON THE RISE

P

eter Julian, still the only official candidate in the NDP leadership race, has secured the endorsements of four Quebec MPs. At a microbrewery in Sherbrooke Sunday evening, Julian — who represents New Westminster-Burnaby — announced that Sherbrooke MP Pierre-Luc Dusseault, Robert Aubin (Trois-Rivières), Brigitte Sansoucy (SaintHyacinthe–Bagot) and François Choquette (Drummond) are all supporting his campaign.

Recently, hundreds of people gathered at the landmark Columbia theatre as MP Peter Julian confirmed he is standing for the leadership of the federal New Democratic Party. Julian is the first candidate to put together the team, the funding and the base of support across the country needed to launch a campaign.

“I want to lead the NDP to make a difference. We need to change the way we do politics said Peter Julian. “This campaign is not about one person being in charge; it’s about all of us taking back our power.”

First elected in 2004, Peter Julian has a reputation as a skillful organizer, a hard working MP and a solid team player.As well, he has served as Caucus Chair and House Leader.

For more information, go to www.PeterJulian.ca.

YOUR TROPIC SNORKELLING CENTRE!

Over 40 Years Serving the Snorkeling & Scuba Community

604.524.1188

825 McBride Blvd, New Westminster www.diveandsea.com

he Fraser River remains the largest salmon river in North America, yet many of the salmon species that use it are in serious decline – and no one understands exactly why.

Meanwhile, the river faces increasing challenges — from development, resource projects, commercial transportation and global warming — that impact the balance between its environmental, social and economic priorities.

To help us better understand the situation with respect to Fraser River salmon, the FRDC will be hosting a conversation with Dr. Brian Riddell, an internationally recognized scientist and President and CEO of the Pacific Salmon Foundation, an independent, non-governmental organization dedicated to creating a sustainable future for wild Pacific salmon and their habitat.

FRDC Executive Director Stephen Bruyneel will use a “fire-side” chat format to have a discussion with Dr. Riddell about the environmental, social and/or economic aspects of Fraser River Salmon. That will be followed by a facilitated Q&A with the audience.

Tuesday, March 7, 6:30 p.m.–9:00 p.m.

Fraser River Discovery Centre, 788 Quayside Dr, New Westminster Tickets: $50–$75

CITY COLLABORATES WITH UBC MASTERS STUDENTS ON INTELLIGENT CITY INITIATIVE

T

he City of New Westminster and the UBC Masters of Engineering Leadership (MEL) program have established a new relationship and research collaboration bringing together the bright minds of the MEL Urban Systems cohort with New Westminster’s Intelligent City initiative. The students will be researching and recommending best practices in three areas: transport, clean energy, and big data.

“New West is thrilled to be collaborating with the MEL program,” said Mayor Jonathan X. Coté. “With New Westminster recently being recognized as one of the world’s Smart21 Communities of 2017, it’s the perfect

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

continued on page 26

26

FIREPLACE SAFETY TIPS Fireplaces are a treat to have in the colder months, and just like more modern heating systems, stoves and fireplaces need to be maintained to keep them safe and prevent fire and smoke from spreading to other areas of your home.

Here are a handful of ways to get your fireplace ready for use: • Have your chimney, gas/wood fireplace, wood or pellet stove inspected and cleaned by a licensed chimney specialist. They should be maintained to help ensure they are functioning safety and efficiently.

• Inspect the chimney from the outside as well. Inspect the mortar around any bricks in the chimney and surrounding areas for cracks. If left unaddressed, these can cause dangerous fires.

• Inspect the damper. A damper is a valve or plate that stops or regulates the flow of air inside a chimney. It should be checked prior to the first use of a stove or fireplace so homeowners can be certain it opens and closes smoothly.

• Be sure to keep the area around the hearth clear of debris, decorations and any other combustible materials.

To help make your winter even safer, we recommend that you take the time to test your smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. A smoke detector is the most effective way to detect smoke from a fire and signal an alarm so that you can get you and your family out safely. A carbon monoxide detector can alert you to the buildup of this dangerous odourless and colorless gas. Make sure you test the detectors monthly, and after you change the batteries to ensure they work properly.

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

March 2017

continued from page 25

time to gain insight into propelling our Intelligent City strategy forward.”

This collaboration will engage the students in research that is both leading edge in terms of urban systems and technology applications while also focusing on providing research that can help solve real and tangible urban problems and identify opportunities for the city.

“Cities are the spaces where we can make the greatest positive gains if we can improve efficiencies or change behavior,” said Dr. Martino Tran, Co-Director Master of Engineering Leadership in Urban Systems. “New Westminster’s central location, small size, and big city challenges make it the ideal living lab for us to study smart city best practices.”

Initial research results will be presented back to the City in early April this year, with the possibility of longer-term and new collaborations in the future. For more information about the Intelligent City initiative, visit the City’s website.

CONTACTS City of New Westminster Patricia Jecks Intelligent City Project Coordinator 604-636-4458 or pjecks@newwestcity.ca UBC Prof. Martino Tran Co-Director, Master of Engineering Leadership in Urban Systems UBC Faculty of Applied Science Email: martino.tran@ubc.ca BACKGROUND The MEL program in Urban Systems, one of eight professional masters programs added to UBC Applied Science’s curriculum last year, was developed in close collaboration with industry partners to help practicing professionals obtain the technical and leadership skills to develop innovative solutions across sectors, manage multi-disciplinary teams and lead collaborative projects once they are back in industry.

The City of New Westminster’s Intelligent City initiative focuses on the areas of broadband, knowledge workforce, innovation, digital equality, sustainability, and advocacy leveraging best practices to ensure New Westminster adapts to the new demands and seizes the | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

opportunities presented by information and communications technology.

MARCH IS FRAUD PREVENTION MONTH

27

PURPOSE

SECONDARY INDEPENDENT SCHOOL

• Keep personal information confidential. Do not give out personal information over the phone, through email or over the Internet unless you initiated the contact and know who you’re dealing with.

• Keep your personal information safe. An identity thief will pick through your garbage or recycling bins, so be sure to shred receipts, copies of credit applications, insurance forms, etc.

• Protect your PIN and passwords. Do not reveal your PIN or passwords to anyone, including employees of your bank or credit union, family members and friends.

• Unusual transactions. Beware of “Too Good To Be True” offers. Be wary of unexpected offers or requests that are “too good to be true.”

• Contact the authorities. If you suspect you are a victim of fraud, contact your bank immediately.

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Purpose Secondary Independent School exists to serve those students who, for a variety of reasons, find it difficult in the traditional school system. Students succeed from the fact that we are a small student centered Independent School.

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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.

28

NEW MEMBERS WELCOME!

nwspartans.org

Signs & Printing

SIGNS OF THE TIMES • On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

• On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

• Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

• At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

• Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

• At a towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

• On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

• In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

• On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

• At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

• On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

• In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

• On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

• At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

• Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

• In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

WORDS THAT DON’T EXIST BUT SHOULD 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

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29

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n.

The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

VERNE SIEBERT MEANS BUSINESS As a new or established business, you will want to let people know what you have to offer through advertising.

Piffle is a monthly community magazine that has been serving New Westminster and Burnaby — Edmonds for 16 years. Piffle Magazine has an average press run of 9,000 copies and posts current and back issues online at www.piffle.ca.

If you would like to reach our loyal readership, give Verne a call at 604-763-6304 or email vernesiebert@piffle.ca.

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Wed Nov 30 01:56:00 2016 GMT. Enjoy!

Act soon… the deadline is March 15 for the March Piffle Magazine.

GETTING BETTER A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s favorite oldies.

Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.

After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”

The patient replied, “I hope you get better too.”

Where is the Golden Sunshine Daycare located?

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right.

NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fi ll in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once.

Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation.

Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction.

MATH MADNESS

Each column must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same column of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

6

2

3

4

7

5

4

1

2

9

8

6

1

8

9

7 3

5

1 9 8 3 7 5 2 4 6

Each row must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same row of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

3 8 6 7 5 4 9 2 1

9 7 2 6 3 1 4 5 8

4 5 1 9 8 2 6 3 7

Each block must contain all of the numbers 1 through 9 and no two numbers in the same block of a Sudoku puzzle can be the same.

5 2 4 8 6 3 7 1 9

8 1 9 5 4 7 3 6 2

4 3 4 4 4

7

10 10 4

3

3 1 1

1

2

2

5

4

2

2

2

2

1 7

1 7

7

7

6

5

1

6

5

4

4

5

HOW FAST CAN YOU GET THROUGH?

1

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #32

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.58)

SUDOKU!

2

5

HINT: IN LEAPS AND BOUNDS

9 4

3 3

2 8

2

3 10

6 5

2

4 8

14

PIFFLE’S

PIFFLE PUZZLE SOLUTIONS

continued on page PB

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

30

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN

VICE-PRESIDENT, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY

Fraser River Walk © Carla Evans One summer day when News of world looked Worse than simply grim A lovely mother smiled at me Along the river walk She asked about the meaning Of a large mysterious art “What really is that?” Shy, she asked But soon tears welled within “I am so scared!” she told me then “You see, I’m from Iraq The TV news so worries me Though I’ve been here quite long My son, well, he is 10 right now I worry so for him” Her English was quite fine just then “But I’m so scared of danger now!

Will this scare ever end?”

“I hope so, and expect it will” I soothed this mother kind Yet deep inside my wishes were To tell her more, in time We chatted and exchanged first names She’d finished art school once I let her know some art group names She added them to phone We thought for sure we’d meet again Small note still holds her name I taped it on my desk at home And noticed calls within That echoed waves of river tides Where seeds of purpose stirred We parted from the river shore And hoped we’d meet again.

Carla Evans is a retired elementary school teacher, librarian and counsellor. She enjoys writing, reading, walking, and keeping up with an ever expanding family. She has published two educational books in the 90s: “Developing with PhotoWorks; Fun, Fantasy, Thoughtfulness, Future”, and “PhotoLinks; The Picture Connection” (Lugus Productions Ltd). Carla has been published in a few anthologies including Royal City Poets 2015 (Silver Bow Publishing) and e-magazines.

Welcoming New Westminster Poets!

Please submit your “New West” poems by emailing Janet at janetkvammen@rclas.com Visit www.rclas.com for all the latest events.

March 2017

THE POND An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up the bucket he said, “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast.

DOG FOOD Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on the “Happy Dog” diet again.

“It’s really simple” I said. “You just keep your pockets full of Happy Dog chunks, and every time you feel your stomach rumble you just pop a couple in your mouth. It’s nutritionally complete, has lots of fiber, and last time I lost 25 pounds.”

A few more people had stopped and were listening by this time, and they all seemed mesmerized. When you live long enough to be retired, you realize people will believe anything if you make it interesting.

So I really cranked it up and said, “Even though it worked great and I lost weight, I’m not sure it’s a good idea, because last time I wound up in intensive care.”

The woman opened her eyes wide and asked, “Were you poisoned by the dog food?”

“No,” I said. “I ran into the street to sniff a Golden Retriever’s butt and a motorcycle slammed into me.” | L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

3 PLATES OF BEANS During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

PRICE OF A SERMON A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key.”

Finally the boy said, “Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime.”

31

604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca

WE HAVE MOVED! WE ARE NOW AT 641 LOUGHEED HWY Royal City Centre PLANNING A REUNION? THE WAFFLE MAY BE THE VENUE YOUR LOOKING FOR!

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Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.

32

STRATA LIVING

WHEN DO I NEED APPROVAL FOR ALTERATIONS TO MY STRATA LOT?

By Tony Gioventu, Executive Director, Condominium Home Owners' Association of BC Dear Tony: I live in a 16 unit strata in North Vancouver. Several owners within our strata have made significant changes to their condos. One owner has gut their interior and upgraded flooring, redesigned the kitchen, laundry and bathrooms. Other owners have changed their patio doors to French doors and installed a small window above their kitchen sink. While all of these changes have definitely improved our property and modernized their units, who ends up paying the bills when something goes wrong.

Case in point, one owner managed to flood their unit during construction when a water line was snapped. While the owner ended up paying the deductible, the claim impacted all of us. We spoke with our manager who advised the alterations are up to council’s decision whether the strata needed to be involved or not. I find this arbitrary approach unwise and potentially unfair. ~ Suzi M. Dear Suzi: The types of alterations and conditions that are permitted and whether an owner requires permission or not before proceeding are determined in the bylaws of your strata corporation. The Schedule of Standard Bylaws automatically applies to every strata unless they are repealed or amended. Under the standard bylaws if an owner alters the structure This publication contains general information only and is not intended as legal advice. Use of this publication is at your own risk. CHOA, the author and related entities will not be liable to you or any other person for any loss or damage arising from, connected with or relating to the use of this publication or any information contained herein by you or any other person. The contents of this publication may not be reproduced, blogged, or distributed in any fashion without the explicit prior consent of the writer.

of the building, the exterior of the building, chimneys, stairs, balconies or other things attached to the exterior, fences, railings or similar structures, common property located within the boundaries of the strata lot, and critical and often overlooked are those parts of the strata lot which the strata corporation must insure under section 149 of the Act. These are those fixtures in the strata lot that include the original flooring, finishing, cabinets, plumbing and electrical fixtures installed by the owner developer. It seems a bit of overkill, but many of the projects that involve cosmetic or minor alterations can trigger environmental issues such as asbestos abatement or building/permit issues such as electrical or plumbing upgrades or changing exterior doors and windows. The short term benefits are often a face lift to a strata lot, the long term impacts often result in building failures, mechanical problems, or structural problems leaving the other owners on the hook for the legal bills, dispute solutions, and bylaw enforcement. The strata corporation has a duty to enforce their bylaws. When someone is changing their strata lot or common property, the council needs to quickly inform them of the bylaws, and the owner’s obligation for permission before they proceed.

Direct office phone: 604-515-9683 Office email: tony@choa.bc.ca Mobile: 604-323-6458

Condominium Home Owners Association of BC

We are Open and have a for the duration of the Front St. Mews project.

649 Front St (Corner of McKenzie St) New Westminster, BC 604-540-8907 | www.winefactory.ca Call to check on road and parking conditions during the ongoing roadwork.

March 2017

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

33

631 SIXTH STREET, NEW WESTMINSTER THURSDAYS • MEAT BINGO AT 6PM PLUS… KARAOKE WITH CAL DONNELLY

SATURDAYS • VIDEO DJ NIGHT WITH TREVOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY FRIDAY MARCH 17 • WYLIE AND THE OTHER GUY 7:30PM-11:30PM

MEAT DRAWS every Friday and Saturday 5pm, 6pm and 6:45pm

CALL US ABOUT MEMBERSHIP

You don’t have to be a Veteran to join!

When you join the Legion, you support the many services we offer to Veterans, serving military, RCMP Members, and their families.

CRIBBAGE TOURNAMENT every Sunday at 2pm. $5 entry

Royal Canadian Legion No. 2 | 604-522-4522

MEMBERS & GUESTS WELCOME!

IMPERIAL PHARMACY 981 Carnarvon Street New Westminster | 604-523-6767

Missing an issue of Piffle Magazine?

IMPERIAL PHARMACY is pleased to carry many of the back issues from the past years.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

34

FLYING WITH THE GENERAL As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the whitehaired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

THE ROLLS AND THE VOLKS A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.”

“I got one too… see,” the Texan says.

“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”

“You got a fax machine,” asks the Texan.

March 2017

“Why, actually, yes, I do.”

“I do too! See? It’s right here,” brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in

the Volkswagen says, “So, do you have a double bed in back there?”

The guy in the Rolls replies, “NO! Do you?”

“Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see,” the

Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-

upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop

and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He

picks up his car and drives all over town looking for

the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up

and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember you,” replies the Texan.

“What’s up?”

“Check this out… I got a double bed installed in my

Rolls.”

The Texan exclaims, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE

SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!”

MAKING UDDER SENSE Q: How do you count cows?

A: With a cowculator.

| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

35

Community AUTO SALES

Roger

Serving the Burnaby & New Westminster community for 25 years. Trades Welcome.

Rent to Own! 2007 Jeep PatriotV6, loaded 4x4

$6995 2002 Ford Mustang V6, auto, loaded!

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Body kit!

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7777 Kingsway, Burnaby | PH 604-777-9737 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

DOLLAR

BUSINESS DIRECTORY

25

$

STORE ROYAL DEALS

420 East Columbia St. Sapperton, New West

604 544 5688 1,500 ITEMS 1,000 MOVIES

/issue

Contact Chris today!

604-525-9027

chrissargent@piffle.ca

THIS IS YOUR I N V I TAT I O N !

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E

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March 2017

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Sunday School & ESL Bible Study 9:00am Sunday Service 10:00am 930 Cumberland St New Westminster

604-521-0120

www.mtzionlutheran.ca

EVERY 3RD WED OF EACH MONTH IN 2017 SERVING YOUR COMMUNITY 325 6th Street New Westminster, BC Tel: 604-521-0363 Service at 11am See you at church!

Maureen’s Dog Boarding 816 12th St, New West

Merry Maids is a growing business and needs hard working, trustworthy, and dedicated friendly staff.

Completive wages offered.

Apply at #426-604 Columbia St, New West

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MOON CONSTRUCTION

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HOUSEKEEPERS NEEDED!

Maureen P. Foley 604-524-5891 Pricing includes pet insurance. $10 discount off first booking.

Knox Presbyterian Church

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The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster

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403 E Columbia St, New West

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Regular Sunday Service at 11am

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| L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0

37 To us there are no foreign markets.™

Where will your investments take you?

Waddington Wealth Management Group provides retirement and financial planning solutions for families and professionals in the New Westminster area.

Trusted. Local. Independent

About Quinn

As part of an independent firm, we have the autonomy to provide our clients with the best tools and resources on the market. This allows us to aim for the best possible returns and the lowest possible costs, giving our clients the results they deserve and the retirement they have worked hard to achieve. As it is paramount to our success, we work hard to earn and keep our clients’ trust by working with them to create and execute a strategic plan to match their goals and objectives.

Quinn was raised in New Westminster and was always involved in the city through sports, events and clubs. He has always enjoyed the closeness of the community in New Westminster and appreciates the shared values of looking after your neighbours and helping others.

Those values are the reason he takes great pride in raising his two sons, AJ and Bennett, along with his loving wife Liz, in his home town. Both Quinn and Liz are always looking for ways to be involved in local charities and events as well as experiencing all that New West has to offer with their two boys.

Our Services We work with our strategic partners to offer the following products and services: Retirement Planning Tax Planning Investment Management RRSPs, TFSAs and RESPs Estate Planning* Insurance* Cash Flow Management Business Succession Planning

Quinn has over 8 years’ experience in the industry and holds the Chartered Financial Analyst® designation, one of the highest designations in our profession.

He enjoys working with people to build a financial roadmap that achieves all of their goals and finding ways to help them achieve those goals sooner. Quinn aims to be your personal “go-to” for all of your financial needs and uses a large network of professionals to make sure his clients are always in the best financial position.

Quinn pairs his value of helping others with his knowledge, experience and passion in managing and protecting wealth by creating quality financial plans and helping clients understand what can sometimes be the murky world of investing. He works with clients to not only develop a plan but also support them before and through retirement.

Quinn Waddington, CFA Investment Advisor T: 604.699.0874 quinn.waddington@canaccord.com waddingtonwealth.ca

Risk Management

* Offered through Canaccord Genuity Wealth & Estate Planning Services Ltd.

canaccordgenuity.com

CANACCORD GENUITY WEALTH MANAGEMENT IS A DIVISION OF CANACCORD GENUITY CORP., MEMBER-CANADIAN INVESTOR PROTECTION FUND

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