Brain Stew 18' / 19' - Issue 8

BRAINSTEW | JAN 18th

The Understew

We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

What did you think of Bird Box?

Ed Munn Sanchez

I won’t say too much so I don’t spoil the movie for people who haven’t seen it yet, but I liked it.

Although, I didn’t think it was very realistic. You really think a group of people could all live together peacefully in one house and cooperate during an apocalypse?? Trust me, I know philosophy, and that kind of thing just doesn’t happen. Also, why didn’t they all just live in the supermarket once they got there? And for crying out loud, why would you let in strangers inside your house?! Honestly, those idiots got what was coming to them. Not a huge fan of the ending either. There’s no way that Sandra Bullock and those kids survived the rapids and didn’t get attacked in the forest while blindfolded. Also, having a school for the blind serve as a refuge from a plague that is transmitted via eyesight? So cliché!

Nancy Gleason

Bird Box? I don’t think I’ve heard of it. But, I have heard of email inbox…….hahaha! Students have been sending me so many emails lately…..you really wouldn’t believe it……….maybe I need to get myself one of these bird boxes to help with all these emails….. I bet it’s cheaper than a new iPhone……ha!! Sent from my iPhone

Geri Friedline Reading a Review of Bird Box from Rotten Tomatoes

“This post-apocalyptic thriller with supernatural overtones has a clever premise as in the legend of Medusa, death visits anyone who looks upon the source of evil.

But the potential is squandered.”

Kate Votaw

AHHHH! BIRDBOX!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD. DO NOT. TAKE OFF. YOUR BLINDFOLD! Now if you don’t mind, I have to get down to the river before it gets dark outside.

Do you happen to have a boat I could borrow? A pool noodle works too. Also, Ann Torrusio is outside the building and I’m pretty sure she has been infected.

DO NOT LET HER IN. DON’T TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD. AHHHHHH!

Ann Torrusio

What the hell is wrong with you people? Can somebody just let me into the damn building???? It’s fucking cold outside.

It’s been awhile y’all and so much has happened over the break that I’m not sure where we left off news wise. The big news that come out recently was the trailers for Captain Marvel and the teaser for Avengers 4, or as we found out it was named, Avengers: Endgame. If you haven’t checked these out yet, you are missing out! They were incredible. Disney/ Marvel has obtained the rights to 20th Century Fox’s characters so we may be seeing the X-Men in future movies! The Disney streaming service has started to discuss further on the Loki and Scarlet Witch shows they want to develop. Another show they want to develop is for Lady Sif, one of the warriors we can see in the Thor movies. I think that would be really interesting! There has been a bunch of rumors about when we will see a new Spiderman trailer so I can’t say for certain when it will come out. Finally, there is a rumor that the Black Widow movie will be the first R-rated movie for the MCU. I think this could be really interesting if they went through with it. It would give them a lot of room to actually explore and show the true assassin that Natasha is. That is all I have for you this issue!

What Is the Correct Spelling for Maddie?

Madison Koogler It’s not “Maddie!” Where do those extra letters come from? The short version of “Madison” is “Madi”. It’s the first four letters of the name, and it’s obviously pronounced correctly. It’s not “Maddy” either. Ms. Woodham is wrong. And her mom is a hoe.

Everyone else on planet Earth Both “Maddie” and “Maddy” are correct.

Nicknames do not follow the spelling of the original name. If Daniel Gerth were a “Danny,” and he is most assuredly NOT that, it would NOT be spelled “Dani,” as he is a boy. If Edward Munn Sanchez were an “Eddie,” it would not be spelled “Edwa” and pronounced “Eddie.” Also, we have never seen anyone write “Madi” on anything ever.

Baby Jesus Everyone except Madison Koogler is correct.

This is how our Father in heaven intended it.

Also, be aware that He does not approve of nicknames that are the second half of names – for example, Topher for Christopher – as this is a big load of bullshit. However, please feel free to refer to Daniel as “Yul” – like in Yul Brenner, star of Westworld – the good one, not the one you children watch on the HBO – as that is how “iel” would be pronounced if second-half nicknames were acceptable. The purpose of that joke is only to amuse Kate and Mike Votaw.

Bless you my children. And please refrain from garden-tool shaming your mothers.

The big-ass blank space at the end of this article is brought to you by Sama (pronounced Sammy) Jacobs, who does not try very hard on layouts sometimes.

thanks dan (pronounced Ass) - sama

Horoscopes Aquarius: You are the Ted Talk of the century!

Pisces: Tonight is the Cruz night! Pack your bags and enjoy this all expense paid vacation on us.

Aries: “Yours, the day is.” (ancient proverb) Taurus: one two three the Gemini: Gosh? These things, Zodiac signs, are for chumps. I can’t believe you’re still reading this.

Cancer: Hi. You look KILLER next week!

Leo: Next week: Sunny. And the week after that? Also sunny.

Virgo: Holy shit is “the” even usuable as the fourth word in a sentence?

Libra: Taxes? Nah, the government is shut down bud. Looks like you don’t have to pay them this year.

Scorpio: Make sure your covered up, this next week has a cold truth forseen in it.

Sagittarius: The movie named “It” is your favorite movie. You were that weird kid in class that ate bugs,right?

Capricorn: It only goes up from here! Keep on going.

to get the real truth, read every fourth word in each zodiac forecast

For this special edition of “The Understew,” we talked to alum Corinne Anselm, Brain Stew editor Nicole Gevers, the ProHo Lion and Alsan the Lion (aka furry baby Jesus).

What is your favorite item on the Lion’s Choice menu?

The King Meal! It’s a regular sandwich but with double meat and quadruple sodium (somehow). We like to order it with Freefs instead of French fries.

They’re fries but made of beef. Then a baked potato on the side. And finally a $0.25 ice cream cone to keeep the calories manageable. Want to “meat” up for lunch with us? Ha ha ha. That joke never gets old.

Uh yeah, see, um, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I’m not a real lion.

Or even alive. So I can’t eat at Lion’s Choice. No stomach. I’m made of stone or concrete or maybe steel slats or something.

What am I an architect?

How the hell would I know?

hey kid, want some memes?

Definitely zebra! Oh, they don’t have zebra? Well giraffe is also delicious, particularly the neck meat.

What? No giraffe?!

Gazelle? Gnu? Oh come on now. They’ve got to have hippo at least, right? This is ludicrous. All they have are cows and birds and somehow they’re called “Lion’s Choice”? Bless you my children. But I hope you know this menu is a big load of crap.

@UMSLBRAINSTEW

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

The Provincial House Times January 18th, 2019

LATE EDITION TODAY: Happy Spring semester!

Even though it’s definitely not spring and still f**king cold outside.

Or maybe it’s actually hot outside?

It’s STL, for crying out loud!

COST: $4.20

The Brain Stew editors become part-time library security officers and build border wall around the library “We Will Make the Library Great Again!”

By Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Last semester, the library at the University of Missouri-St. Louis posted a job opening for a part-time library security officer. The posting was displayed on numerous bulletin boards across campus, including the Pierre Laclede Honors College. The posting in the elevator of Provincial House caught the eye of Honors College Ass Dean Dan Gerth, who decided to apply for the position.

“I saw that the job posting was looking for candidates who are “reliable, courteous, and confident,” Gerth said. “Am I any of those things? Of course not! But I decided to apply anyways because I heard that the library officers get to carry a gun and eat Altoids all day. That sounds way better than what I am doing over here at the Honors College!”

Although they were shocked, the staff at the library were excited to hear that Gerth had applied for the position.

“After Dan’s incident with that snowman in front of Provincial House last semester, we thought he would be great for the part-time library security officer position,” said Christopher Dames, Dean of Libraries at UMSL. “We figured it would be a great opportunity for him to release his, um, anger, in a productive and cost-effective way for the University.”

After several rounds of vigorous physical and mental tests and extensive interviews, Gerth was offered the position and quickly accepted. He assumed his new role on January 1st, 2019. While Gerth clocked in for his first couple of shifts, he was quick to defer his responsibilities to Brain Stew editors Sammy Jacobs, Nicole Gevers, and Tony Deluvia.

“Dan came into our editor meeting and demanded that we take all of his shifts at the library without any pay” Gevers said. “This certainly isn’t the first time Dan has tried to pawn off his responsibilities on the Brain Stew editors, however this time Dan insisted that we disguise ourselves as him so that the librarians wouldn’t notice that we weren't Dan. I tried to explain to him that it wouldn’t work - I am almost a foot shorter than him, don’t own a gray collared shirt, and can not grow a beard, but he still would not listen to me.”

“Yeah, he pretty much told us to pick up his shifts at the library or else he would give us all “F”’s for our independent studies,” said Jacobs. “But I honestly didn’t mind picking up his shifts though. Yelling at people to throw their food away in the library is way better than handling sweaty people’s damp towels at the Rec Center.”

“I literally just started as an editor, and I honestly think this is all bullshit,” said Deluvia. “But working in the library isn’t all that bad. I have lots of downtime to bullet journal and I finally have a reason to use my new crossbow!”

Top: Job posting for the part-time library security officer position displayed in the Honors College elevator Middle: Tony Deluvia at work protecting the library Bottom: Nicole Gevers and Sammy Jacobs in their Dan Gerth disguises.

For several weeks, the librarians did not notice that Gerth was not showing up for his assigned shifts as Jacobs, Gevers, and Deluvia disguised themselves and split his shift up among themselves. Things seemed to be in order, until one librarian saw Jacobs remove her fake beard in order to eat a plate of spaghetti on her lunch break.

“I just don’t know how that man eats stringy pasta,” Jacobs said.

Once the library staff was informed of the situation and Gerth’s absence, Dean Dames decided to hire the Brain Stew editors, as he was impressed with their exceptional work ethics, diligence, good-looks, loyalty, creativity, industriousness, excellent eyebrows, intelligence, cute matching friendship bracelets, leadership abilities, and wit. He also decided to fire Gerth and reimburse the editors for the time they spent picking up his shifts. When asked to comment, Gerth could not speak, as he had stuffed him mouth full of as many Altoids as humanly possible before the library took them away from him and escorting him out of the building.

While a typical Provincial House Times article would end here, I just drank a big ol’ coffee and it’s 9:30 pm, so I’m just gonna keep writing and see where this goes.

Buckle up, kids!

After the editors were officially hired, the library continued to be impressed with their performance, as food consumption in the library was down almost 15%.

While the Brain Stew editors seemed to be the perfect fit for the job, they were starting to cause a stir as they planned a campaign to ensure safety for the library.

Rumors started to circle that the editors wanted to build a physical wall around the library to keep people out. These rumors were later confirmed by social media.

“We are going to build a wall, and we are going to make UMSL pay for it!” the editors exclaimed in a recent tweet on the Brain Stew Twitter account. “this wall is going to be huge. HUGE.” “It doesn’t make any sense,” Dames said. “The library is a building. We already have walls. And the library is open to everyone. I don’t understand what these kids want. And that’s saying a lot, because I usually understand a lot of things. Did I mention I’m a librarian?”

“I mean, the library gig started out as an okay parttime job. But then, we started getting like really passionate about safety and border control. Like, we can’t just let anybody into the library. And we certainly can’t let any food in there. That’s a huge threat to book safety. We have to do more to protect our borders.”

“Sammy, I’m pretty sure you meant to say library instead of borders. Borders closed down years ago,” Deluvia exclaimed. “But yeah, Sammy is right. Now that we work in the library and have cool badges, we have this new pride in making sure we keep books in the library and food out of it. And the only thing that will make that happen is if we build a massive wall.

And we make UMSL pay for it!!”

When asked about the possibility of a wall being constructed around the library, Chancellor Thomas George said, “Are you people from The Current? I thought we shut that operation down years ago.”

Provost Kristin Sobolik also weighed in on the situation, saying “LOL! We don’t have any money!

UMSL is broke! #ichoseumsl #umslproud #wetransformlives” In the meantime, Gevers has decided to take matters into her own hands. “If UMSL won’t build the wall, I will! I almost have a civil engineering degree and ‘m not afraid to put it to use!”

At the time of this article being published, Gevers, Deluvia, and Jacobs had began work on building a wall around the library. The wall currently consists of a brick, a statistics textbook, a parking cone, and an UMSL “no smoking” sign stacked in a pile in front of the door to the library. ■

ACCIDENTAL EAVESDROPPING IN THE ER

BUY A SHIRT! $10 | S-2XL

“The design is dope!!!!!!!!!!!!”

-Nancy Gleason (probably)

Who’s Whose Mom Is a Hoe Ho? A Conversation between Dan and Corinne Dan: Hey, Corinne. Were you the person who submitted that Bernie Sanders thing to Brain Stew?

Corinne: Yes. Dan: That was very funny. I think you spelled “ho” wrong, though.

Corinne: What? That’s bullshit.

Dan: Yeah, I think “hoe” is like a shovel or something. It’s for gardening. I think it’s supposed to be “ho.”

Corinne: Oh yeah, well [looking this up on her wizard phone]… well, your mom’s a ho.

Bernie Sanders, accidentally misspelling ho.

Dan’s mom, upon hearing the news

Manic Mike Why are the cashier statements never correct?

I have been taking classes part-time at UMSL for three years now, and I don’t think that I have ever had a correct account balance statement at the beginning of the semester. What’s the deal with this?

Why are scholarships and financial aid not fully calculated before the office sends out their bill?

Every time this has happened, I have gone to the cashier’s office, only to be told I had to go to the financial aid office in order to reconcile the charges on my account. Then, after some confusion, I have usually been told that all amounts will be reconciled and that I’ll receive a refund if I have over-paid. To which I answer- “Why don’t you just charge me the correct amount in the first place so that I don’t have to over-pay and wait on a refund? It’s not like I just have that extra money laying around.”

They have never had a good answer.

I’ve also noticed that this happens to other students, and causes a good deal of stress on many of them. What if they don’t have the ability to pay the cashier’s office miscalculated amount? Then they don’t take classes that semester, or what? This is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. No other businesses operate in this manner.

UMSL is supposed to be known for our accounting classes and department, and yet the offices in charge of accounting don’t seem able to properly calculate student accounts. Is it just me, or is there a major disconnect here?

Brain Stew: News in Brief Nicole Chooses Nancy Nancy cheated, says Dan

Tired of continuously fighting over who Nicole loves the most, Nancy and Dan decided to solve the question in the only logical way they could think of: putting Nicole in the middle of the hallway while they stood on opposite ends and called to her. “Come here, Nicole!” called Dan. But before Nicole got more than a few steps toward him, the voice of Nancy beckoned: “Nicole, who’s a good girl? You are! You are!

Come to Nancy, Nicole!”

I’m a good girl! And a boat captain!

As Nicole galloped toward Nancy, Dan took one last shot: “Nicole! Bad girl! Bad, bad girl! Come here right now!”

Nicole froze, head tilted, unable to process these contradictory commands. “Sweetie, come to Nancy, that’s right, come to Nancy. You’re a good girl” sang Nancy. And Nicole resumed galloping, landing in Nancy’s outstretched arms. “You’re the best girl! Aren’t you, aren’t you?” said Nancy as she scratched Nicole’s ears. Dan was not pleased: “This is bullshit. Nancy carries a pocketful of Honey Nut Cheerios, and you know Nicole could smell that.

This contest was rigged.”

What the Hell Is Wrong with You Kids?

Fine, I’ll do it myself, says Ed

“This kind of thing would not stand in South Carolina,” remarked Ed, while standing outside Jen’s office last week. “How is it that she drew a picture of the Grinch, not wearing pants, more than a month ago, and still no one has drawn a wiener on him? If I were still a student, I’d have drawn two wieners on a pants-less Grinch. And where the hell is Dan? Do I have to do everything here myself?” remarked Ed, while reaching for a marker. Jennifer Richardson could not be reached for comment. Upon inspection yesterday, the Grinch did indeed have a wiener, at long last.

Dean Ed

Grinch, without wiener

Grinch, with wiener

AT THE MOVIES

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse -

*In spooky ghost voice* Hello I am speaking to you from the other side. The land of the graduated. It’s the scariest land of them all. They require to you to wake up early and go work every day. Stay in college and never graduate! Anyway this movie was absolutely amazing. The first thing that caught my eye was the animationion in the movie. It was a style that I have never really seen before. It was kinda like if they kept the comic book illustrations and just turned it into a movie. So just to start off the movie already had a thumbs up from me. Second, the music bumps. I do not know who wrote the songs but they were really good. Then finally, the movie was funny throughout the entire movie. This is something that

Aquaman:

With the bad reputation that DC movies tend to have I was not expecting a lot. So with that assumption I set the bar lower than any limbo party ever could. So that may have been the reason that I thought this movie was not that bad.

First off, I would just like to say some of the dialogue was just hot trash.

One of the main villains basically just kept saying the same thing over and over again but just in different forms. It reminded me of the episode of The Office when Kevin says “Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?” Then some of the costumes looked like something that they just picked up at a Halloween outlet store on their way to the set.

All of those things took away from the movie. That's unfortunate because I really think this movie had the potential to have been really good.

The graphics in this movie were so amazing. There were so many colors that it you could barely take it. Then the battle scenes were just amazing. So to be fair I will give this movie a 6.9/10 Gorton’s Fish Sticks

Zach leaving the theater after watching Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

I really enjoy when I am watching comic book movies. I know that some of the more recent movies have been way too serious that it kinda took away from the movie. Thor I am speaking to you big guy. But just when you think this movie is all about the giggles they pull a string directly attached to you heart and make you feel very emotional. Which in my opinion is what took this movie from just being good to being *Tony the Tiger Voice* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! I know I have been accused of hyping movies up WAY TOO MUCH before but hear me out on this one. I give this movie the elusive score of 420/69 arachnids.

Bumblebee - I am not really that

big of a Transformers fan so I actually did not plan on seeing this movie at all. That is until I started to see all the positive reviews coming from this movie. So I decided I would give this movie a try sense I have free time from when I used to have to be studying or reading books by really old people. To my surprise this movie was sooooo good. First off it had my favorite invisible actor John Cena so that always helps.

I just love to see ex-wrestlers try and take on movies. It just warms my heart.

Anyways this movie was so much more

different from any other Transformers.

It wasn't just a movie with shape shifting robots and gratuitous amounts of explosions. It's almost was kinda like a coming to age movie mixed with Transformers being in the background.

It’s really difficult to explain because it's totally different from anything I have seen. I know that sounds weird but just hear me out on this one and give it a try. 8.7/10 Mark Wahlbergs

Build Your Own Country Song String together any combination of the following words/phrases and sing over the tune of any twangy guitar and/or banjo melody. You got yourself a county song. Yee Haw!

Dirt road Hay bale Cold beer Blue jeans Country girl Truck Pickup truck Big ol’ truck Chevy truck Her daddy’s truck Red white and blue God bless America

‘Murica Muddin’ Another dirt road Fishin’ Tractor Blue sky Big green tractor Whiskey blues Mama’s cookin Boots

Swangin’ Swangin’ on the front porch Swangin’ on the back porch Swangin’ all night long Fried Chicken Yeehaw Farm Cowboy Sweet Tea Open Road Another dusty dirt road

THIS WEEKEND’s WEATHER this week’s special guest: road sign

What does the weather look like this weekend road sign? bonus content

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT ISSUE’S GUEST:

Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary a.k.a. the groundhog we celebrate on groundhog’s day

(edit: i literally could make this shit up. this is its actual f**king name)

it’s still christmas as far as i’m concerned

sue me

RAiNSTEW

BRAiNSTEW

SPR19 WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. We have been publishing for over 25 years and won the Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017 as well as TWO national titles from the National Collegiate Honors Council in 2017 & 2018.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Sammy Jacobs: sammyjacobs@mail.umsl.edu Tony Deluvia: agd7xf@mail.umsl.edu

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law.

All content is the responsibility of the creator.

UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.

Follow us on Twitter! @umslbrainstew

THE STEW iS STRoNG WiTH THiS onE