Brain Stew 16' / '17 - Issue 8

in this issue:

Brain Stew Reviews: On the Road with Brown & Brown Ed (left) and Dan (right) Brown, hosts of On the Road with Brown and Brown

Deep within the abyss of late night infomercial segments lies a hidden and under-acknowledged television gem: On the Road with Brown and Brown. This series is hosted by iconic St. Louis lawyers, Ed and Dan Brown from the law firm Brown and Brown. If you’re not familiar with the pair, perhaps you have heard their slogan: “if you can’t come to us, we’ll come to you.” Or perhaps you recognize Ed Brown’s iconic and unexplained eyepatch. Or maybe you have seen their “successful” billboards around the city:

The lawyer/brother duo, who probably have more money than they know what to do with, purchased a nightly, one-hour late night paid programming slot to showcase their love of St. Louis to the seven people still awake and watching channel two at 2:30 am the world.

In each episode, the Brown brothers show viewers iconic attractions in St. Louis and provide quasi-accurate historical commentary sprinkled with unnecessary, cringe-worthy personal stories and guest appearances from Mama Brown. A few of the places visited by the Brown duo include:       

The Arch Busch Stadium The Loop Hazelwood East High School The balcony of the Brown and Brown office A Traffic Circle A Dairy Queen

I have no idea how long this show has been on the air or how many episodes there are, since there is no evidence of this show existing anywhere outside of their 2:30 am slot. Googling “On the Road with Brown and Brown” or similar terms turns up zero relevant search results, even on the Brown and Brown website. I promise this is real. You can’t make this stuff up. Perhaps this is the one of the best-kept secrets of our time. Whether this show is a marketing ploy or just a fun hobby for the Browns, it has certainly challenged my assumed stereotypes of greedy, pretentious lawyers fishing for money via TV advertisements. If you happen to find yourself awake at 2:30 am, I highly encourage you to flip to channel two and check out the television excellence that is On the Road with Brown and Brown.

BRAIN STEW RATING:

TOP: A very excited Dan Brown insists that viewers to stop by for a photo with him at the Brown and Brown balcony LEFT: The Browns’ mother makes a guest appearance at the Old Cathedral

LEFT: The Browns shield viewers from female nudity by standing strategically in front of a statue in Compton Hill LEFT: The Browns abandon their mother at Tower Grove Park

The Understew We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

How’re your New Year’s Resolutions going?

Kim Baldus I bet you think I did something moronic, like give up Diet Coke. I bet that’d be what a BS editor would write if you guys made up these answers.

Good thing you’re actually asking me. I resolved to give up giving things up. No, I’m not a 4th grader at the start of Lent. I’m just quite ready to indulge myself in any and everything that my heart desires. So far, that’s been a couple 12-packs of Diet Coke and a night out at a hookah bar, where I saw what must have been the ghost of my former student, Rodney Whitney, who died of heat and sass last semester. May he rest in sassy, sassy peace.

Mandy Bibee A while ago I saw Kathie Lee and Hoda (aka my home girls) talking about this great book called The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. First the kitchen, then the bookshelf. The sock drawer soon followed *posh laugh*. I’ve been decluttering my whole life and really appreciating the things I own. I hug every piece of clothing and read my remaining books a bedtime story every night. I have a whole new perspective. Malls are like maternity wards packed with babies – but I must find my baby – not just cram a bunch of others’ bundles of literal joy into a plastic bag and take them home to be neglected. Oh my no. I’ve gotten pretty into it – this is the last outfit I own…but boy…it sure does…bring me…Editor’s note: It is at this point that Mandy broke down into tears over the fact that she has nothing left but the clothes on her back and an alarm clock that meows – so much joy.

Perry Eliot Gleason Ahem…There comes a time in every dog’s life when he searches for something more.

More than a “good boy” and a squeaky toy. Even beyond a good, leg-shaking belly rub. Yes. That is the yearning I felt on the eve of this new year, and I decided to act upon it. To be a professor, the most noble of professions, would certainly scratch my itch. Now I would be the one saying “good boy” and “Where’s the ball? Go get the ball!” to a group of eager, wideeyed human puppies ready to take on the world. It brings a tear to my own wide eyes when I imagine the great things my students will go on to do. One may be the next Air Bud, or Mr. Peabody. I can only hope I do right by them. I’m not in it for the Beggin’ Strips. I’m in it for the future book dedications and funeral attendance. So we’ll have to wait and see, as if for a treat, how my resolution plays out. Woof.

Things to Call Other Things: Jazz Up Your Lingo for 2017 Cash Money: Cheddar (n.)

Ex: 1. Gotta make that cheddar.

2. Sprinkle some cheddar in my pocket and we’ll see what happens.

A Big Slice of Pizza: That Good-Good (n.)

Ex: 1. I got 2 slices of pizza – I’m eating this one first – gotta save that good-good.

2. Ay, mister Whole Foods pizza guy selecting my slice behind the glass – you better give me that good-good.

That Group Member That Shirks Their Fair Share of the Work That You Have to Pick Up Even Though You Told Yourself It Wouldn’t Happen Again Here We Are Again And Are We Not Surprised: Tom Sawyer (n.)

Ex: 1. Tom Sawyer still hasn’t submitted his part of the project yet – I’ll just do it and write a passive-aggressive email to the professor letting her know what’s up.

2. I swear if I get a Tom Sawyer in this group I’m going to quit school and become a Mr. Incredible because he works alone. What, a 2004 reference is too dated for you? Sequel’s coming out in a year, get hip.

A Fine Human Specimen: Al Dente (adj.)

Ex: 1. Oooh girl lemme tell you—he was al dente the way he lied there, covered in red sauce and parmesan.

2. She was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen – truly al dente – perfectly made up, chewy, not over-done like some of those limp personalities that are all too common nowadays.

A Class You Really Don’t Like But It’s 2017 So You’re Trying To Have A Positive Attitude: A Hoedown (n.)

Ex: 1. Yee-haw! An 8 a.m. hoedown every Monday and Wednesday this semester! Gonna be a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time!

2. If my professor doesn’t curve this exam that everyone nearly failed, there’s gonna be a throwdown at this hoedown next week. I’m serious, Billy! Where are my spurs?

That Time You Got Really Drunk And Made An Ass Of Yourself Freshman Year That Makes You Wish The Following Four Years Would Just Be Over Already: Election 2016 (n.)

Ex: 1. Yeah, Stacy, I’ve seen the video – yeah, Election 2016 was really wild. Uh-huh. No, I still can’t look my roommate in the eye. Yup, it is awkward.

2. I don’t care that you weren’t affected by Election 2016 - it affects me very personally and I live with the nightmare of it invading my life and ability to navigate society daily, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t taunt me with evidence of its existence.

LEFT: UMSL’s first-ever “state-of-theart” homepage from 1996 RIGHT: A snazzy banner from the Honors College’s page in 1997

LEFT: Poster child Nancy Gleason as the face of the Honors College’s website in 2006.

RIGHT: Kim Baldus becomes the new face of the HoCo in 2007 LEFT: A countdown (which is still live and running) until the “grand opening” of Oak Hall.

LEFT: The homepage for Residential Life and Housing from 2000.

LEFT: Meal plan costs in 2000.

BELOW: Cost of housing in 2000

LEFT: A list of events hosted by RHA in the late 90s.

RIGHT: UMSL, ahead of its time in 1997 with the “information superhighway”

What’s your destiny this semester?

We sprinkled some magical Brain Stew pixie dust on the crossword below! The first word you see will describe your semester. Tweet us your response @UmslBrainStew !!! <3

PS Anyone else ever notice how the first three letters of our interim dean’s first two names spells “Dan Ger” like “danger”? Plz submit Dan’s holding us hostage until you submit.

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. Brain Stew started in 1991, and this year we are celebrating our 25th anniversary (please don’t do the math). We won Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Meagan Burwell: mcb284@mail.umsl.edu Zach Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.