Thank you to Hannah Smid for five semesters of service as a Brain Stew editor! A heartfelt thank you letter from Dan Gerth, faculty advisor…
Abby: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Stop this article! Stop, stop! WTF is this, Dan?
Dan: Well, you know, I thought it would be sweet to, after all of this time, write to Hannah in Braille. It took me a longass time. I hope she appreciates it. She’s worth it! I know we joke about butt cancer, but she could have bailed on us to go live with motorcycle boy in snake land at the end of last year. And obviously I know that the hearing aid company has worked closely with her and provided scholarship funding.
Abby: Bruh, do you even hear yourself? “Hearing aid company”? Notice anything wrong here?
Dan: Well, um, uh, I thought…
Abby: Yeah. You white boys are so stupid.
Dan: Well, why is she wearing those sunglasses if she isn’t blind? Huh? Answer that if you’re so smart.
Abby: Because your stupid ass put them there and can’t use photoshop. They damn things aren’t even inside the boundary of the picture. Hannah is not blind. And with assistance, she can hear too.
Dan: Okay, okay. HEY, HANNAH, HANNAH! COME HERE A MINUTE! I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND THANKS!
Hannah: Uh, Dan, I’ve been standing here the entire time. You don’t need to yell.
Hannah’s boyfriend VS Josiah (aka nobody’s boyfriend)!
The winner is declared Least Offensive White Man to Date in Honors
Topic Verdict
Name Owen Josiah
Mode of transportation Motorcycle
Future career Doctor
Submissions to Brain Stew
Race + ethnicity
One – and it was just a note saying he wouldn’t move his motorcycle out of the handicapped spot it was parked in.
White. But looks like the kind of dude who would claim Native American ancestry from a long dead grandfather
Location Somewhere in Arizona, but at least he didn’t drag Hannah with him.
Intelligence College graduate. Something with bees. But Arizona? Motorcycle?
Dating a woman from Alabama?
Meh, both are lame and sound old. Josiah sounds like your great grandfather. Owen sounds like that relative you don’t want to sit by at Thanksgiving. Particularly with that haircut.
Makes fun of Dan’s Saturn Again, both suck, but since Owen doesn’t wear a helmet and since the seatbelts in Dan’s car are just ropes tied to the dashboard, we’ll go Owen
Taste tester for boner sandwiches
Many semesters as editor and starting in fall he’s lead editor.
Josiah claims he has a lead on this job with Nabisco. We think he’s being swindled by some dude online. Regardless, we’re going Owen.
Obviously Owen
White. And looks like the kind of dude whose long dead grandfather fought on the wrong side of history in the Indian wars.
Josiah. Hannah is from Alabama, which adds an extra level of cracker ass cracker to Owen.
Provincial House, unless it’s between 8am and 6pm. No one knows where he’s at then.
Has passed Anal Geometry I and Anal Geometry II. But does that require brain power?
Arizona has snakes; Provincial House has mice. Easy win for Josiah here.
The definition of “lose-lose scenario” in the Remedial Management 101 Handbook has both of their pictures.
And the winner is… Hannah! If you have to date a white man, pick one who lives thousands of miles away so that you don’t have to see him too often.
A note from the editor: Before you go and call us some variant of liberal combined with a slur for allowing this submission, I’m going to lightly threaten that I will make my Black History Month cover from two years ago look like it’s just another MLK JR Day coloring sheet I did in the first grade if someone complains about an opinion being expressed in a vulnerable and respectful manner. Do not say I did not warn you buddy! Read on.
Have you seen this man? You definitely have. Let’s find out where!
你一直在讀燉腦！
(You have been reading Brain Stew!)
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
