Well since it's nearing fall, I have been trying to prepare my Halloween treats I plan on giving out this year, vegan of course. I think this year I am going to be handing out baked pumpkin seeds along with this neat little device me and the moo moos invented. Well, I shouldn't say little. Really, it's going to put an end to all non-vegan eating people everywhere! Once it hits midnight on Halloween, all nonvegan treats that were given to children will explode and be replaced with broccoli. So yes, all the little kids will be whining, and they may never celebrate Halloween again, but the moo moos will RISE. THEY WILL RULE! This is just the first step when it comes to the domination on the WORLD!
Florida
What have you been up to lately?
N/A
I've been in a little bit of a mess lately with this whole Hollywood party scandal. I am not going to speak on it but let's not forget that everyone is innocent until proven guilty...
Audri
Are you an it-girl or IT-girl
Quiz
What’s your reaction when someone says “Java”?
•A. “Love it! Especially in a cute reusable cup from my favorite coffee shop.”
•B. “Which one? Java the programming language or JavaScript?” Which is more reliable to you?
• A. MD5
• B. DSM
What’s your idea of a perfect weekend?
A. Shopping spree followed by a rooftop party.
B. Installing the latest Linux distro on my custom-built PC.
What do you use “extensions” for?
•A. To add extra volume and length to my hair.
•B. To add new functionalities to my web browser. How do you define “cache”?
• A. A hidden stash of vintage designer clothes.
• B. A place where temporary internet files are stored to speed up browsing.
Declaration of War
When, in the course of hallway events, itbecomesnecessary foronesideofthehallwaytodissolvethepoliticalbandsthatbindthemtotheothersideofthe hallway,andtoassume,amongthepowersoftheearth,theseparateandunequal(inother words,better!)stationthatthelawsofnatureandnature’sgodentitlesthem,arespecttothe opinionsofmankindimpelsthemtonameththecausesthatrequirethisseparation. Hereinlies thosecauses:
Thirsty? Help yourself to coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or soda! We love you!
Need a job? We’ll help you visit the career center! We love you!
Stay informed! We would hate for you to miss an opportunity. We love you!
Have a seat while you wait for us! We will be fast! We love you!
Need help getting into med school? Borrow an MCAT prep book! We love you!
You drank yesterday. You don’t need to drink today. Ugh, fine. Stop whining. Drink some hot sauce or mushroom water.
Your unemployment is our problem how? Here, this job pays less than minimum wage. Also, do we have to SHOW you stuff on our bulletin board ourselves?
Yeah, stay informed. Here, if you have questions about independent study, read this flyer and contact Birgit Noll, PLHC internship coordinator 2003-2013. Obey the flyer and leave us alone.
Sit wherever you want. Keep the noise down. I’m watching Marvel movies.
MFA programs?
Why yes, I have an MFA.
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Need a snack? Have a rice krispy treat! They’re not vegan, but we won’t judge. We love you!
We are sorry if the temperature is uncomfortable! Please adjust the thermostat or borrow a sweater or jacket. We love you!
Please stay healthy! Stop by either of our hand sanitizer stations! We love you!
It’s probably not lead paint. Help yourself! Boomers ate it as kids.
Yes, of course we have a restroom for you! We love you!
What part of “Ha Ha Ha” do you not understand? Bring mittens.
I wash myself with a rag on a stick! Or, rather, you do.
Our offices all have private bathrooms, as is befitting faculty, who should not have to pee with the riff raff. But if it’s an emergency, here’s a special student bathroom
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Need something to read while you wait? There are many options! And we’ll be with you fast! We love you!
We’re sorry we can’t provide real comfort animals. But we have stuffed animals to cheer you up! We love you
Need spiritual guidance? We’ve got you covered! We love you!
Snuggle your heart out.
It’s Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam. Squint harder. Or have more faith, you heathen.
Be safe! We love you! Get the F--- out of my way!
No comment
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We hope you like our decorations! We love you!
We love women! And we love you, regardless of gender identity!
Check out our national awardwinning alumni magazine! You’ll be an alum someday too. We love you!
There’s some tape on the wall already. Hang up whatever you’d like. Just don’t ask me for a ladder.
We love… Hamas? Wait, is that right? That seems wrong. We’ll have to get back to you on this one after we discuss. Wait, why are you taking a picture of this sign? Stop it!
Here’s some stuff from other honors colleges. In case you’re thinking of transferring. Just saying.
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Time stops when I see you
Muscles stall, neurons blink out
I’ve known you for years, and still You take my breath away
My pencil, my notebooks
Even my bookshelves come second to you
My life, my love, my everything
My Randimals Animal Figurine Toy Shark & Horse Hybrid
Pictured above from the vault: A young Dan Gerth. He was one bad day away from becoming a domestic terrorist for at least 35 years. Once they force us out of ProHo, expect that to be the last goddamn straw.
DANGER ! Ringworm Outbreak
WHERE: @ UMSL RWC
WHEN: Now
DETAILS: Due to the lack of wipes at the RWC, there has been a major ringworm outbreak. Sweaty , stinky, non-butt wiping people have been taking advantage of this to spread their own ringworm infestations
No need to RSVP—just come and enjoy the celebration!
Get to know your bible! Brain Stew’s quiz about what is, or is not, actually in the bible!
10. Yes, this is Queens 6:9. It was Mother Theresa’s favorite scripture passage, actually
9. Not in the bible. However, again we will give you half credit, as the bible certainly sanctions beating your children in plenty of places, even if not with this specific saying..
8. Not in the bible. This is from the Quran. The Genesis version does not include Noah being sent to warn people. It starts with angry God and the flood starting.
7. Yes, this is Deuteronomy 23: 1. Thank god we won’t have to see Lance Armstrong in heaven.
6. Not in the bible. This is a misheard version of the Beatitudes, as presented in Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
5. Not in the bible. This is from the Analects of Confucius (approximately 200 BCE). But again, we’ll give you half credit because both Matthew and Luke’s gospels have very similar statements.
4. Yes, this is 2 Kings 24.-2:23 You are not a heathen. This time.
3. Not in the bible. However, we’ll give you half credit because there is stuff about wolves and lions, as well as leopards and goats, having interspecies relations in the book of Isaiah.
2. Not in the bible. It’s Polonius advice to Hamlet in Hamlet. You are an illiterate hillbilly.
1. Not in the bible. It’s from Aesop’s Fables: “The gods help them that help themselves.” You are a pagan.
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
