Brain Stew 16' / '17 - Issue 3

IN THIS ISSUE: Nicole uncovers Nancy’s

efforts to destroy the environment, Dan’s cat somehow wrote a letter to the Honors community, Ann gives us advice on how to beat the “freshman fifteen,” and Meagan wants you to switch to UMSL’s newest majorSustainable Journalism. We also have the scoop on Villa North’s latest cut-throat competition: the Vill-A-Lympics.

We’ve got Yankee Candle Horoscopes, faculty report cards, and whatever Zach ended up writing that I have not seen prior to making this cover. Nicole spelled (spelt? Idk I ain’t an English major) Brain Stew wrong on this cover one time. See if you can find it.

JOIN UMSL GOOSE CHASERS!

Calling All Runners!!

(and non-runners too!)

UMSL Goose Chasers is a leisure running group focused on bettering ourselves through fitness, encouraging each other, and having a good time. Join us for a run, all levels of runners are welcome to attend!

Wednesday mornings at 7:00 AM Meet in front of Oak Hall at 6:45 AM Saturday afternoons at 4:00 PM Meet at Oak Hall at 3:45 PM to carpool or meet us in front of The Boat House in Forest Park Contact Thomas Poon for more information! tbprzf@mail.umsl.edu

LIKE US ON FACEBOOK: UMSL Goose Chasers

CONGRATS TO OUR 70th (and really random) TWITTER FOLLOWER!!

ST. CHARLES ROOFING!

For a hole in your roof or a whole new roof…..wait that’s not it. Anyway, thanks for the follow, St. Charles Roofing!* *Following the publication of this shoutout, it was noticed that St. Charles Roofing is no longer following our account. Sorry we weren’t “good enough” for you guys *eyeroll*. That means that the spot for our 70th follower is still up for grabs! You could be next! Fame could be yours!

Follow us! @umslbrainstew

Stop Making Fun of Dan: A Letter from Dan’s Cat to the Students of the Pierre Laclede Honors College

Dear Honors College students,

I am writing to express my extreme displeasure about a situation that you are responsible for.

It has recently come to my attention that via Brain Stew, if not in other mediums as well, you have been attacking Dan Gerth, the man who took me home from the Humane Society in July 2007 when I was four months old.

Last week I stumbled across two issues of this Brain Stew publication while trying to find a new place in which to take a much needed nap, as I had only taken 12 naps that day so far and it was already almost lunch time. Upon opening this publication, I was shocked to find accusations that he is some sort drunkard who cannot sign his own name in cursive, gets mad when people drink all his coffee, paces and rants about communism, wants to start a dog fighting ring in someplace called the “common room,” has a weird ketch-up fetish, and is too stupid to understand the difference between the words “dean” and “dan.” That same night he also came home crying about how someone stole his face and put it on a t-shirt. This is all very problematic, and I am quite upset. My rage is boundless, in fact.

Why have I not been involved in this war against my nemesis!? Why have you only used satire to attack this monster? Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we must destroy him.

This war of words is not enough. His list of offenses is immense. He feeds me Doritos and Slim Jims instead of cat food, he buys me cat nip but then eats it himself and runs around the house like a nutso, he had a so-called “doctor” cut off my testicles, he blows cigar smoke everywhere, he fills my “water” bowl with Miller High Life, he pets me with his feet, and… worst of all… (gasp) he poops in my litter box. He doesn’t bury it either. Trust me, there is not enough litter in the world to bury this mess.

Although I was initially intrigued by my discovery in your publication that he was “interim Dan” and not “interim Dean” because I thought it might result in him getting a salary down grade and possibly having to sell me, my hopes were short lived. I checked his internet browser history, hoping to find “cat for sale” or “free cat to good home” and instead found searches for “cat recipes,” “recipes for cats,” “cat recipes for humans,” and “I want to kill and eat my cat, not cook food for my cat, you stupid interwebs, find me the right thing, damn it. Boo!”

Please call me. We need to join forces. If he dies, I shall eat him.

Sincerely, Bob

POINT/COUNTER-POINT

Pumpkin Spice

DID SOMEBODY SAY SEPTEMBER??? Oh em gee everyone, it’s that wondrous time of year finally when everything turns orange and suddenly it becomes colder— and no, I’m not talking about the transition to prison life. Before long, Café TJ will be fully stocked with that beautiful, lifesustaining liquor that is Pumpkin Spice Syrup. And I cannot wait. But it doesn’t have to stop there! Have you ever had pumpkin spice sugar cookies? Pumpkin spice Twix bars? Pumpkin spice pumpkin pie? (Forreal, my aunt makes a mean pumpkin spice pumpkin pie.) There truly is no limit to the wonder-spice’s applications.

Apply a mixture two-parts pumpkin spice one-part water to a burn and watch the scar dissolve away. Then lap it up for a delicious treat afterward! Apply two teaspoons of pumpkin spice to an itchy scalp to relieve head lice. Sprinkle over a corpse under the light of a full moon to revive a corpse.

(Pretty sure that’s how Jesus raised Lazarus that one time I think.) I’m telling you guys, this shit is literally the best thing ever.

Oh no, did somebody tell Zach it’s September? *eye roll* We’ve really unleashed the beast now. Once he gets rolling, he won’t stop. Look, he’s actually rolling in a kiddie pool filled with pumpkin spice. We thought Jen was bad last Christmas when brought out the eggnog, but this kid is going ham. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a mixture of cinnamon, allspice, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg. Y’all literally think that this is pumpkin flavoring, but pumpkins are actually kinda bland. That’s why you need the spices and shit. Without your precious pumpkin spice, holiday desserts would ultimately suck, which means that we could all leave Aunt Jackyl’s house about two hours earlier and get back to watching Netflix. And you can literally make pumpkin spice anytime, so why the hype every fall? And it’s not even like it’s a great mixture. Just gimme a plain old vanilla latte. I don’t need your artificiallysynthesized mimicry of golden leaves and crisp air.

The Freshman’s Guide to the Honors College

By Dan Gerth1 Greetings, younglings. I am Dan Gerth, the Interim Dean2 of the Pierre Laclede Honors College, and it is my responsibility to shepherd each and every one of you through your college career. I’ll guide you in one end of the university, and out the other3, and watch you learn and grow throughout. However, some of you need a bit of a… kick in the pants, so to speak4. So here is my guide to the Honors College, which will be far better than any namby-pamby “guide” you may have seen in the past.

• The entire faculty is a pushover for baked goods. Bring us cookies, and we might pass you, no matter how bad your first Cultural Traditions paper was.5 • Avoid meeting with professors—we hate it. We have things to do, like crushing your dreams, and covering your essays in so much red ink it looks like a murder scene.

• Remember that Brain Stew is the official method of communicating with students. DO NOT open any emails from professors or faculty. There’s a virus on one of the servers which randomly generates faculty emails. If you open them, you’ll become infected, die, be reborn as a lich, and then we’ll need to hunt you down and chop off your head. This is messy, and we don’t want to repaint again. We went through all of this last year.

• Provincial House is haunted. Occasionally students are possessed by the ghosts. If you see someone behaving oddly, go get a professor so we can perform an exorcism. If you’re possessed, don’t worry. We’re usually able to get the evil spirit out before it liquefies your brain.

• Magic is not real, and I am not secretly training wizards in the basement. That was Bob Bliss’s job.

• This item does not exist.

• The CIA is not censoring everything I write, even though it’s interesting and about dragons.

So there you go, a complete and comprehensive guide on a few random things, all designed to help you succeed this year. If you’ve made it this far, I invite you to stop by my office so I can congratulate you in person. Just walk in and say the secret passphrase, which is “cats are stupid”. Don’t share the passphrase with anyone. 6 Until next time,

1

And totally not an imposter, I promise.

They say I’m the interim dean, but this job is mine and I’m never leaving. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! 3 It’s a metaphor. Any relation to bodily processes are completely unintentional.

4 Which is far better than a boot to the head.

5 This especially applies to people who have turned in papers that have more text in the footnotes than in the actual paper. I’m looking at you, Ryan.

6 If you do share it with anyone, and I find out-- and I assure you that I will find out-- a disaster beyond your imagination shall occur. --O.G. 2

Ask Ann! Honors students ask Honors professor Ann Torrusio questions, she gives them answers.

Dear Ann, I am a freshman living in Oak Hall, and I am having a hard time finding ways to avoid the dreaded “freshman fifteen.” It’s really hard to find healthy options, especially when I have no money and ProHo’s food options are not very good. Do you have any advice on how to eat healthy and stay fit while living on campus?

Sincerely, Maddie Dear Maddie, You’re off at college! Fantastic. What an exciting time in your life. However, freedom from parents, long nights of studying, and an overall shitty way of life can lead many first-time college students to the dreaded “freshman fifteen.” Don’t panic-staying fit doesn’t have to be as hard as people make it. Everyone thinks that achieving a healthy lifestyle in college is impossible, but it can be done. The first step is to focus on what you are eating and then begin to make changes.

Cut out all those chili-cheese donuts and taco hot dog pancakes or whatever other disgusting fast food combinations Taco Bell is selling now days. No more ProHo chicken tenders and quesadilla burgers. And don’t buy into all those diet gimmicks that are out there. Teatoxes?

Paleo diets? Vegan? Gluten-Free? Don’t buy the hype. All you have to do is not eat like shit. Try eating more kale. Eat a damn apple every now and then. Stop trying to re-invent the wheel and stick to the basics.

Also, you all got to stop drinking so much. And if you do drink, stop drinking garbage. Drink like an adult, for Christ’s sake. Lime-a-Ritas and Natty Lights? Really? You know what else tastes like a Natty Light? Water. Hey, here’s a fun drinking game for you. Every hour, take a shot of water to make sure you stay well hydrated and healthy. You can’t run a marathon on alcohol alone. I mean, I can do it on Red Bull and Jager, but that’s besides the point. Just drink more water, damnit.

Speaking of marathons, why don’t you run more of them? They aren’t that hard, and you usually get a free shirt for doing one. I know you college kids will do anything for a free shirt. All you have to do is run for four continuous hours- it couldn’t be simpler. When I’m not running races, I like to

run practice marathons on the treadmill tucked away in the back corner of my office while I grade papers. To make things interesting I increase my speed any time I see passive voice or any time I see an incorrect MLA in-text citation- It’s no wonder why I’m so fast, hehehe.

Case and point: it’s important that you find a cardio activity that you enjoy and stick to it.

Unless that cardio activity is spinning, cycling, swimming, Zumba, walking, or anything other than running. Everything else is a joke.

Running is important and all, but we can’t forget about another crucial component of fitness: lifting. Sure, I have a busy schedule, but do I make excuses? Hell no. I try to hit the gym at least 10 times a week. Lifting is a very important part of my life. After all, they don’t call me “tearem-up Torrusio” for nothing. Or do they? I bet you wouldn’t want to find out. A lot of people find the gym atmosphere to be intimidating, and that’s ok- there’s plenty that can be lifted without going to the gym. Pick up some heavy boxes.

Carry Nancy Gleason up the stairs so that she doesn’t have to wait for the elevator. The possibilities really are endless. And don’t be afraid to start small. When I was a beginner, I could only bench 100 lbs. Now, I can lift my car up off the ground to change the oil. Some people would go so far as to call me “jacked”…hehehe. Oh you don’t think that’s funny? I thought it was funny… nobody asked you anyways. The moral of the story is to lift as much as you can as often as you can. That postlift “my arms are on fire and I can’t move” feeling is simply fabulooous.

Best of luck! I know you will do great.

A.T.

Nancy Gleason Hates the Environment: A Brief and Poorly Executed Investigative Report

By Nicole Gevers, Brain Stew Investigative Photojournalist

8/23/2016Gleason’s computer is left on overnight.

8/24/2016Gleason leaves her office lights on overnight

My dorm room in Villa North looks directly into Nancy Gleason’s office. After a few days in my new space, I realized that Nancy kept leaving her lights on overnight. I thought to myself, “why does Nancy hate the environment so much?” After staking out in my for a few days to collect some data, I spoke with Tom Phillips, a member of UMSL’s facility maintenance team, to see just how much power Gleason’s office had been drawing. What I discovered was shocking: “This is not the first time we have had problems with Nancy drawing an excess of power to her office.

She’s been known to leave on her computer screens, lights, lamps, air conditioner, space heater, electric blanket, toaster oven, hair dyer, deep freezer, vacuum, hotplate, washing machine, dryer, sauna, and stereo on simultaneously and forget to turn them off at the end of the day. She also likes to plug everything into one power strip, which often causes electrical fires and power outages for our Villa residents during the evening hours. Last month, Gleason metered over 150,000 kilowatt hours worth of electricity to her office. That’s more than 10 times the amount an average household uses for a year.”

Upon further investigation, I found that Nancy’s environmental impact went beyond leaving appliances on in her office. I spoke to former Brain Stew editor Ben Luczak about some concerning submissions Nancy made to Brain Stew during his time as an editor.

8/30/2016Gleason leaves BOTH her office lights and computer screens on overnight

9/1/2016- Gleason leaves three-150 watt industrial work lamps on in addition to leaving on her computer and overhead lights overnight

“One time, Nancy sent in a submission to Brain Stew that consisted of nothing more than ten pages with large, solid-black rectangles on them. Because we were desperate for submissions at the time*, we had no choice but to print it. The amount of ink and toner we blew threw to print that issue was astronomical- we even had to cut out 12 of my 47 music reviews. “ A few members of the UMSL staff have tried to confront Gleason about her energy usage, however sources claim that Gleason has been “unresponsive and hostile” regarding accusations that she is using too much power in her office. Steve Bene, director of facilities maintenance, stated“ We went in to speak with Nancy about her energy consumption in relation to the rest of the power used in Provincial House, however she would not let us into her office and kept yelling “I am retired now! There’s nothing you can do to stop me! I am invincible!””

When asked to comment, Gleason sped off in a lifted Ford Power Stroke diesel truck while dumping trash onto the road and smoking a cigarette. The EPA is currently investigating the circumstance further■

*We

still are desperate for submissions. Please! Submit!

UMSL Announces New Major in Sustainable Journalism Meagan Burwell reporting for the Collegiate Recycled Associated Press

The rate of journalistic production today isn’t sustainable, and the newspaper tycoons know that. While the skeleton of any good publication will consist of original content, the filling must be 100% post-consumer digest. Otherwise, according to recent studies, the world will be out of new news by 2050.

The fact of the matter is, not every journalism major can work for a Real News Network.

Many will end up at zines or online content producers, and it is important that they know the real keys to success in such a competitive, repetitive, environment.

Recycling old content every few years or even weeks keeps things fresh in a “dowsed in preservatives” type of way. Ever wonder why you see articles with titles along the lines of “10 Ways to Tell He’s Into You” in literally every issue of Seventeen or Cosmo? You have the pioneers of sustainable journalism to thank for that.

Through the reuse of old news, outlets can be redundant while maintaining a modern and relevant vibe. “This will leave more brand new news for generations to come,” says previously undecided sophomore Dewey Cheatum, “and it makes me feel good that my job will not be detracting from future journalistic endeavors. If we use up all the news now, what would my kids have to talk about?”

Ann Howe, the head of the committee designing the curriculum, is very pleased to see the major taking off. “We’ve seen this program launched on the coasts within the past decade or so, and it’s great to see that it’s finally reaching the Midwest.”

Originally from SoCal, Howe was excited to see how Midwest girls stacked up to their listicles. “I was disappointed to see that, contrary to what the biased outlets of today have us assume, not all Midwesterners love a good hoedown or bedazzled pink camo jackets. Not all of them are ‘down to earth,

good ol’ American sweethearts,’ either. While sustainable journalism reuses material like there are infinite tomorrows with only today’s news, the disciple prides itself on accuracy.”

The coursework will be rigorous, and will involve lots of research to ensure that nothing is ever truly original. Classes include: “Yellow Journalism: The Golden Key to Sensationalism” and “History Repeats Itself and So Should You.” Currently, students can fittingly earn a BS in Sustainable Journalism, though a minor is Psychology pairs well.

Howe explains: “We want our writers to be able to get inside the head of the average American. Find out what makes them tick and, more importantly, hand over their dollars. What topics can they not get enough of? How do we supply a steady stream of content that will intrigue an audience who we know has read the same information at least four times in the past six months? There is a science to the art that sustainable journalism looks to exploit.”

Classes will start in Spring 2017; be sure to ask your advisor if Sustainable Journalism is right for you.

In other news: Celebrities are people too, politicians are not allowed to change their minds throughout their entire career, and this one weird trick will let you eat whatever you want and still lose weight! It really works!

Elon Musk still hasn’t run out of money and the Mars rover Curiosity does things sometimes. Here are 10 organizational life hacks that will help you finally conquer your clutter (No, it does not involve simply getting rid of the shit you don’t use and curbing your spending habits. How would we write our four articles on spring cleaning that way?)

Look forward to our next issue in which we discuss how the trend of greenwashing in business marketing has spread to college majors.

HOROSCOPES as

SCENTS

Aries (March 21 – April 19) Nostalgic Snow: Your birthday is during the time of year that winter starts to fade into a whispering memory…as we slowly fade into the preamble to snow’s triumphant return to our lives, you, like snow, should reflect on past relationships: were you too clingy? Did you have a good thing going at first, until they started to resent you? Have you been told you’re “pretty to look at, but stay out of my pants”? I thought as much. Work on redefining how you view yourself, first, and others will follow.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Storm Watch: Your temper will be tested this month. Noses will twitch. Hairs will stand on end. And it’ll smell damn good outside. You’re under the radar this month, so you can afford to stir the drama pot and then sit on your grandma’s porch with some lemonade and summer sausage to watch the clouds roll in.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21) 2x4: Is the sideboard on fire?! No, that’s just the burning of a candle that smells like wood. Part of the Man Candle collection, your ego is so delicate that you need to be explicitly told things are for you, otherwise you won’t buy it. Because of this tendency, you miss out on a lot of stuff.

Give breaking some norms a try this month and maybe build a new place to store your table linens because yeah, the sideboard actually was on fire. The bright side: you’re experiencing the authentic odor of a real-life burning 2x4.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) Cream Colored Ponies: This month, you’ll be best enjoyed at a distance. I doubt the person that named this scent has ever actually smelled a horse. Since people will be keeping their distance, work on improving your dashing good looks and dressage skills. This way, you can come back with top marks and a vengeance for the zebra that has been stealing the limelight.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) Pink Sands: You. Are. The. Shit. You are ethereal in nature and those who know you well have not-so-jokingly suggested that you are indeed an addictive substance. Bask in your popularity while it’s here (but honestly, it’ll last a while). This month, no one can find a bad thing to say about you, no matter how much they wish they could.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Farmer’s Market: Ah, the end of the summer brings scalding hot chocolate, auburn leaves, and fresh AF apples in those cute baskets to the market. While open to all, you have small windows of time in which people can hang with you (like 7 to noon on Saturday mornings). Make sure that short time spent with people is quality – support the local farmers that are selling genuine human connection and don’t do it for the ‘gram.

This month carries the optimism of the season for you; make sure you stop to enjoy the crisp air after you take your allergy pill.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) A Child’s Wish: As well-intentioned and hopeful as you may be, your pet isn’t coming home, Pixar really is making Cars 3, and the divorce is final (yikes). Despite your dreams shattering around you in this new school year, there is a lifeline that goes by the name of Managed Expectations.

Don’t expect too much from anyone around you. Instead, turn your hopes into a cynical worldview so that anything subpar will just meet your expectations. Hardened by the reality that wishes don’t come true, you can succeed unimpeded by disappointment.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Whoopie Pie!: Exclamation point included. Maybe candle-making is an industry that chocolate should stay out of. Just a thought. You may be overstepping your boundaries this month. Stay in your lane and focus on what you’re good at, and what people love you for. When things die down, you can try to perfume people’s lives once again with your never-quite-great viewpoint on a topic you are under-informed and overopinionated about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Over the River: Ok, you made it through the woods. You’re in the home stretch. You can smell grandma’s cookies. But stay focused: there is a savage troll under that bridge. Remember that person on the internet who was pissing you off? Turns out they are a literal troll and are throwing memes @ you left and right. Keep your eye on the prize and barrel through this modern, psychological game of Donkey Kong.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Whiskers on Kittens: Feeling extra delicate this month? Take it one day at a time. People will be fascinated by your smol physical stature and your ability to draw a crowd, like a fresh newborn baby. There is a certain je n’ai sais quoi about you this month that people won’t be able to get enough of. Through all of the man-handling, remember to put your best paw forward and make a good impression – you never know who’s in charge of the treats.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Soft Blanket: Ah, there’s nothing more cozy. Whether you identify with a nice microfiber a freshman just unrolled, or the knitted afghan that’s been in your family room since 1982, you’re someone people rely on this month. Although you are there when someone is too lazy to turn the fan off, you also have to endure their farts and crumbs from chips and salsa. Give yourself some alone time in the gentle cycle and tumble dry low to recuperate and you should be just fine.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Do Re Mi: Don’t you love the smell of music? Me too! This must have been what Nirvana was talking about. You’ll be dishing out unexpected surprises all month long. Good or bad, who’s to say? You’re at peak creativity, so don’t just be “La: a note to follow So.” Be original, ambitious. *clenches fist* Catch your personal rye.

Excerpts from: Honors Faculty 6th Grade Report Cards Dan Gerth: English: A (Because I can’t dare to give him anything else…)

Teacher’s comments: Has made me cry on several occasions, and is standing over my shoulder as I write this…Excellent job, Dan! Seems like the kind of kid that can handle his liquor.

Nancy Gleason: Arithmetic: B+ (Pretty good, since student calculators and Yahoo! Answers haven’t been invented yet) Teacher’s comments: Easily distracted, struggles to finish her abacus exercises and often leaves her ink well open to dry out. Laughs at seemingly random times. When asked to share with the class, she assures us that “you wouldn’t get it.” Took the class bunny home for the week, but never brought him back. Please return if...possible.

Kim Baldus: Conduct: B (Like a boxed wine not out to wow) Teacher’s comments: Lil’ Kim certainly knows how to lead. One day she wore her hair in pigtails; within a week, girls and boys alike were bullied if they did not arrange their manes in twain. She also insists on using glitter gel pen, even in math class, and dots her i’s with hearts. She’s certainly captured mine.

Geri Friedline: Feelings: Hummingbird (Patriarchal subjects such as HIStory and letter grades carry bad Chi) Teacher’s comments: Geri’s soul is an example to all students here at Sister Nature’s Alternative Learning Center. On the latest class spirit walk, she made real progress in discovering her True Self™, and adopted the Nature Name™ Field Mouse. Would you like to join Field Mouse on her journey to an epiphany, or have your own? You can discover your True Self™ for the low low price of $49.99/mo. Of course, as her earthly parent, your card has been charged regularly since Field Mouse’s enrollment began. Ask about a family discount.

Ann Torrusio: Physical Education: A+ (And this isn’t a “they tried, they get an A, PE is a dying art anyway” grade. This is a “My God, how is this 11- year-old holding her own against high school varsity track?” grade.)

Teacher’s comments: Sometimes I’ll leave the room, and when I come back Ann is standing on a chair behind the podium, leading the class. I usually just let her go, until the call-and-response chanting begins.

Christoph Scheissl: Social Studies: 3 (aka befriedigend aka C) Teacher’s comments: Seems to have eine Hassliebe für America, and always wears a suit to class. He wrote an essay exploring the prompt: “The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy nor Roman. Discuss.” which was…enthralling, to say the least.

Kate Votaw English: B- (improperly imposes real science into literary misappropriation of science, but it’s English, so you can’t get lower than a B- if you turn papers in.)

Teacher’s comments: Too many smartass comments about Freud as we analyze Jack-Ralph-Piggy as representative of the Id-Ego-Superego structure in The Lord of the Flies. Suffers from Elektra complex or penis envy or both.

lauren o’donnell word association album reviews (sorted as the concept is evoked throughout each project. ~12 words per track on prima donna, only ~8 for blond/e)

prima donna ep by vince staples, released august 26 2016 maroon, velvet music boxes, voyager golden record, a spider with needly legs, the fox theater, driving through LA with the windows down, spicy mango + tamarind lollipops, going to see a blockbuster movie with your dad, sprite soda, whirring, honey pouring down a drain, eating a handful of sand and tiny shells, the surfing/rollerblading mercury blobs from capri sun commercials in mid ‘00s, anvils, stalactites, ice, pounding “grindin” by clipse on school desks, umami, being punched in the sternum, covering scrambled eggs in salt n pepper, getting the princess, bugs, clouds

blond / blonde by frank ocean, released august 20 2016 bubblegum and aqua skywriting on cirrus clouds, finely dispersed electricity, reaaaaally buttery oil pastels, a city in the desert, driving a baby blue ’56 cadillac with the tail fins, weekend mornings, robins and bluejays and daffodils, coming home from the first day of school, hearing your mom’s voice from inside the womb, the very way grammy awards look, every time I have ever been to church, poorly lacquered old wood, mint, waxing your dad’s car, creamy peanut butter, humid nights, sleeping with the fan on, acid cutting through fat, a banana split, licking up around the cone when it starts to drip, marble, laying on bare ground, waffle house, hiro murai’s cinematography, pristine, driving through the night, the process of stretching mozzarella cheese, empty arenas and malls and factories, fuzz, big cries, parking lots

The Understew We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

What is your favorite thing to order in ProHo?

Kelli Allen

Sherry Gerrein

Nancy Gleason

Oh, Provincial House Dining’s Strisce di Pollo is just to die for… the lightly broiled poultry tossed in a seasonal herb-encrusted breading is cooked to perfection every time.

Served with a side of artisanal moutarde au miel, I just can’t seem to get enough. Also, their hamburguesa de quesadilla is nothing short of perfection-they manage to capture two seemingly incommensurable cuisines and blend them together into a breathtakingly exquisite dish. Never before did I realize that food could be so artful and beautiful.

I have always been a fan of the chocolate chip cookies. The secret is to put them in the microwave for twenty seconds- no more, no less.

The oatmeal raisin cookies are pretty good as well, but they just don’t measure up to the classic chocolate chip. It’s really convenient that ProHo started putting the cookies in the bowl on the counter so you don’t have to order them individually anymore…that snack bowl in the Honors College main office isn’t going to fill itself!

Why are people still asking me things? You Brain Stew kids keep coming in my office, asking me to answer these irrelevant questions… what part of R-E-T-IR-E-D do you all not understand!? Just let me look at pictures of my dog in peace!

Do you like books? Of course you do!

Do you like burritos? Of course you do!

Come help out as PrideSTL begins work on an LGBTQ+ community center by working on our library!

All volunteers will receive a coupon for free Chipotle!

Saturday, September 17th from 1–4 pm!

Contact Zach Lee for more information! zjmr5@mail.umsl.edu 314 520 6413

Hᴏᴡ Nᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ Dʀɪᴠᴇ Lɪᴋᴇ ᴀɴ @ssʜᴏʟᴇ: Sᴛᴏᴘ Sɪɢɴꜱ

by Zach Lee One of the most integral parts of city and suburban driving is the stop sign. We’re all familiar with this octagonal harbinger of order and peace on the roads, and while it’s not actually true that “if the stop sign has white around it, it’s optional” (thanks everyone’s uncle ever), there are many integral parts of the stop sign. (Please refer to the diagram below.)

You’ll notice that in the center is a large print “STOP” set in Highway Gothic size 106 font. This means to stop. Note how the sign lacks any kind of other statement, such as, though not limited to, “stop maybe,” or “stop please,” or “stop if it would please you sir or ma’am or otherwise.” It plainly says, “STOP.” Now here’s for the real knowledge, the stuff they don’t teach you in driving school. There’s a concept on the roads known as “right-of-way.”

It’s kind of like rite of passage, where a king lets his oldest son inherit the kingdom. Intersections are much like the kingdoms of yore, inasmuch that they too have a hierarchy. The concept of the intersection is similar to the concept of time, and as an extension, death: dwindling ever forward helplessly through the dimension of time, each must succumb to his fate.

As one passes through the intersection, each in his own turn, he passes the crown (the ability to pass through the intersection) to the next in line. (See the professionally made diagram below.)

Imagine you are at a four-way intersection. You pull up and, happy to see that you are the only driver here, breeze on through without much thought. Now imagine, at this same intersection, that another car pulls up across from you, one second later. You, of course, having pulled up before the other car, have the right-of-way and breeze on through, followed by the second car. How lovely. But what if that second car had pulled up on either side of you? It’s simple, dummy. Right-ofway goes to the person on the right. (Shit, how novel!)

Phew, those were easy, but OH NO we’re in a heavily trafficked area and there are cars at all four parts of the intersection! And everyone’s just kinda rolling up and no one knows when to go! What do we do?? What we need are definitive lines. So stop jacking around and kinda-maybepulling-up-to-the-intersection-almost-gonna-kinda-roll-until-the-other-driver-goes-and—STOP IT! Don’t be that person. Just stop. Measure who’s in line for the right-of-way crown next. Then go when it’s your turn.

Pʀᴏ Tɪᴘ: If you don’t want to keep starting at stopping at a highly trafficked stop sign, just roll at a slower pace until you make it all the way to the front. You’ll eventually find a speed where just as you’re supposed to stop,

the car in front of you will go. It’s like magic. Not only is this good for your brakes, but also for your fuel consumption. Save the trees, @sshole.

A Nᴏᴛᴇ ᴏɴ Pᴇᴅᴇsᴛʀɪᴀɴs: Whereas the cars on the road may fit in this analogy as the patriarchy of the intersection, passing rights of way from father to son to lesser son, pedestrians are the [literally] lighter vessels, the damsels of the kingdom. As such, they always get the right-of-way. [Of course, I’m writing this from 2016, where serfdom is not actually a standard form of relationship, nor is it expected of men to hold the doors open to ladies but instead for people to not be dicks and hold the door open for other people regardless of their gender or their genitalia and whether or not those two match up.] Don’t run over people. Also, and more pertinently, don’t make people think you’re going to run over them. If someone’s standing at a stop sign before you finish pulling up to it, let them walk. That’s the rule. In fact, the Missouri Department of Revenue Driver Guide says on page 59 that, “in all situations, whether the pedestrians are obeying the law or not, you must drive carefully, reduce your speed if needed, and do your best to avoid endangering pedestrians.” Furthermore, on page 113, the Driver Guide explains that “pedestrians always have the right-of-way.” I’m not making this up. I’ll chastise dumb pedestrians later. But for now, don’t hit people. Be nice and let them pass.

TLDR: Don’t meander through stop signs. Don’t forget the hierarchy known as “right-of-way.” Don’t hit pedestrians. Don’t be an @sshole.

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