Brain Stew 18' / 19' - Issue 2

BUY A SHIRT! $10 | S-2XL

“The design is dope!!!!!!!!!!!!”

-Nancy Gleason (probably)

HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU WITH THE SHITTY HAIRCUT DOES YOUR WARDROBE FULL OF SHIRTS FROM HIGH SCHOOL NEED A NEW ADDITION? Email Nicole (nmgtzc@umsl.edu) or Sammy (sjgxn@umsl.edu) to order a shirt!

$10 each sizes S-2XL

Brain Stew presents:

The Morning Routine

Submit your completed puzzles to Sammy or Nicole for the chance to win a FREE Brain Stew shirt!

A-MAZE-ING: How quickly

can you make your way through this tricky maze to get to the common room coffee pot?

FINISH!

REBUS PUZZLES:

Can you figure out what these visual word puzzles are trying to say? We sure as hell can’t.

DOG SEARCH: Help us find our dog!

D G O O D D O D G O O D D O O D O O G G G D O D G O G G O G O G D O O D G O O D D D D G D O O O G G O O G D G O

START

O G D G O G D G O G G O G D D D D G D D O D O O G D O O

O D G O G G D O O G G O O D Find these words: Dog

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: can you find all 12 of the differences between these two photos?

“All the News, Whether it’s Fit to Print or Not!”

LATE EDITION

The Provincial House Times

TODAY: It’s a good day to skip all of your classes and watch the “Dinner Party” episode of The Office for the 174th time.

COST: 4 Meal Blocks. Or $244.72.

Both are nearly equal value.

August 31st , 2018

Impatient Honors Students Begin Building their own Delmar Loop Trolley to Fulfill Honors Independent Study Requirements It’s no secret that Honors students are hard-working, creative, and enterprising individuals. However, the latest way in which some honors students have embraced the “honors spirit” has taken many people by surprise. This surprise comes in the form of a student-ran trolley service, which involves a fleet of honors students pulling Delmar Loop visitors in the PLHCSA wagon along the path of the still to-be completed Delmar Loop Trolley. While the students have been using this experience to fulfill their independent study requirements with the Honors College, they also have been gaining invaluable, realworld experience and rock-hard leg muscles.

Construction on the Loop Trolley began early in 2015 and was expected to be completed in 2016. However, following several setbacks, construction still has not been completed, and the total cost of the project has climbed above 50 million dollars.

Above: Honors College students make use of the unused trolley tracks in the Delmar Loop and pull a visitor around in the PLHCSA Wagon as part of their Honors College Independent Study requirements.

After identifying the problem and searching for a way to fulfill their six required credit hours of independent study, Honors students Max Gibbs, Jen Ryles, Dave Willams, Oliver Harris, Liz Smith, and Marissa Thomas decided to open their own version of the Loop trolley.

“It’s a pretty simple system,” said Marissa Thomas. “We charge each rider $2.00, and then we pull them from the History Museum, down Delmar, to the last stop at Vintage Vinyl. It’s hard work, but we consider it to be our civic duty.”

“Hehe, you said duty,” said Dan Gerth, who was not actually in the room when this interview took place.

While some people have been concerned with the safety of the “new” Loop Trolley, Oliver Harris insists that it is safe for both passengers and drivers.

“We keep a knife that we found in the Honors College kitchen taped to the bottom of the wagon, just in case anybody tries to pull any funny business while we are on our route.” Harris said.

“As for cars and other traffic, we just do our best to avoid getting run over and try to stay positive and remember that if we do end up getting hit by a car, then we will probably get our entire tuition paid for and won’t have to worry about our student loans.”

BREAKING: Scientists Discover the Earth is Shaped Like a Hot Dog; Major Loss for “Flat Earthers” Read the full-story on page 33.

“We just got tired of waiting for this project to be completed and decided to do something about the issue,” said Honors sophomore Liz Smith.

The students say that business has been good. So good, in fact, that the Mayor of St. Louis has offered them full-time positions operating the PLHCSA wagon trolley along Delmar.

“They are doing a fantastic job serving the diverse transit needs of our region,” said Mayor Lyda Krewson.

“Plus, they would serve a huge economic benefit for St. Louis. They are working without pay in exchange for an Honors College Certificate. Certificates like that are practically free for us to print.”

The students plan to continue their service for the rest of the Fall semester to finish out their independent study requirements. It is unclear if they plan to

accept Krewson’s full-time employment offers, however the students seem optimistic about the future of their business.

“The wagon needs a few repairs every now and then, but it just has this incredible rustic and nostalgic feel to it, you know? It’s crazy to think they would ever replace it with a shitty trolley.” said Jen Ryles.

If you are interested in riding the Honors Loop Trolley Wagon, be sure to stop by either the Vintage Vinyl of History Museum trolley stations. The wagon runs its route 24 hours a day, seven days a week regardless of weather conditions. ■

The Provincial House Times August 31st, 2018

Obituaries

Health & Fitness

Larry the Fish

The Honors College Workout

Larry the Fish, aged 10 years, went to be with the other angels on July 18th, 2018 in his fish tank in Dan Gerth’s old office. Larry was a beloved anglefish who lived a full and robust life. The cause of Larry’s unexpected death has yet to be determined.

Larry was born on February 19th, 2008 in the Orinoco Basin in South America. Despite his exotic upbringing, Larry was later confined to a life inside Dan Gerth’s office in the Pierre Laclede Honors College in St. Louis, Missouri. Throughout his life, Larry was witness to numerous interactions between Dan and other members of the college, including advising sessions, faculty roasting, student meltdowns, and budget meetings. Larry was perhaps best-known for his ideas regarding the resolution of the college’s budget crisis, however he was seldom sought after for advice as he was a fish. Larry could occasionally be found outside of his tank, as many who remembered him recall seeing Nancy Gleason trying to walk him on a leash.

Larry is survived by Dan Gerth, Bob the Cat, and Toilet Plant. Details regarding Larry’s memorial service and internment will follow after the completion of an official autopsy, however memorial gifts of flowers and fish food can be left outside of Dan’s new office on the second floor.

Are you an honors student looking to fight off the freshman fifteen but can’t seem to find the time to fit in a daily workout? Don’t worry! Brain Stew has you covered! This full-body workout can be done before, after, or during your honors classes without ever leaving Provincial House.

Repeat 3x, or until somebody yells at you for being disruptive.

1.

2.

2. Crunches: Do 30 crunches in front of the computer lab 3. Plank: Plank on the table in the 309 classroom for 30 seconds 4. Wall Sit: Take the elevator down to the second floor and do a wall sit while you wait

3.

5. Jumping Jacks: Do 30 jumping jacks in front of Jen’s office

4.

5.

6. Lunge Jumps: Do 30 lunge jumps in front of the Large Library to work those quads.

Honors students NEVER skip leg day!

7. Tricep Dips: Do 15 tricep dips in the Schiessl Lounge.

8. Push Ups: Do 15 push ups in front of Geri’s office. While you’re at it, snap a selfie and consider submitting it to Bellerive because you are truly a Work of Art™

Top: Larry the Fish a few days prior to his unexpected death.

Bottom: A memorial in Larry’s honor hangs outside of Dan Gerth’s office

1. Stair Climb: Start in the lobby and run up the stairs to the third floor. Lift those knees!

6.

7.

9. Circle Sprint: Sprint around the circle in front of Provincial House 3 times or until you get attacked by one of the racoons living in the drains.

10. Hydration Station: Take a 30 second water break!

8.

9.

10.