Funny story, actually. During my job interview, I nervously introduced myself with a German accent in an attempt to make myself stand out amongst the other applicants. I’m fully American, but my German accent has cemented my presence at UMSL without my accent, I’m nothing! My children recognize me exclusively as German. Not even my wife respects me without my sensual, syruplike, dialect Uhh…I mean! 99 Luftballoons? Hitler? I don’t know, is there much else about Germany?
This space is blank because I, Josiah Ayres, am lazy.
Audri Adams
Erm excuse me, I’m not breaking my mewing streak to talk to some ugly kid. Ah skibidi you got me. Anyway, I spent my first day much like I spent today. I mogged on all the baby NPCs while they failed to gain any gyatt stacks and sigma knowledge. But here’s a pro tip for all the gooners out there Gain major aura this fall with the new Blumpkin Spiced Gyatte at StarBluds near the TJL
What was your first day at PLHC like?
Unknown Honors Prof.
I don’t like to think about my first day at UMSL. I’d much rather look forward to my last, because this time...I’m really gonna do it.
This space is blank because I, Josiah Ayres, am lazy. This space is blank because I, Josiah Ayres, am lazy.
This space is blank because I, Josiah Ayres, am lazy.
This space is blank because I, Josiah Ayres, am lazy.
Secrettwins!ABrainStewcontest!
Doyoueverseearandoandthink“omg,thatlookslike________from school. The Brain Stew editorsdo. Theworldisfilledwithsecret twins,whocreepusout,thusprovingSigmundFreud’stheoryofthe uncanny. Orjustamusingus. Anyhoo,whenyouspotasecrettwin, getapicture! Intheleastcreepywaypossible. Senditinforyour chancetowina$5giftcertificateto Read A Book STL,thebookstore ownedandoperatedbyBrianCheli,former Brain Stew editor. We’ll getyoustartedwiththesethree.
Politicians can’t shut up about “America is a Christian nation!” and they still won’t let me smoke Cuban cigars. So, what’s really going? A Brain Stew investigation into whether the American constitutional system is more Christian or more godless Communist!
Almost entirely no. Nolaws forbidSundaywork. ButIcan’t buybeeratagrocerystore before9:30amonSunday,soa teenybityes,Iguess.
No, you dirty son of a bitch! In fact,SocialServicesmighttake yourkidsawayfromyou. Plus emancipationlawsandeven courtordersallowingfor marriage,abortion,otherthings againstparents’will.
Mostly no. A little yes. While incometaxisprogressive(andat timesreached90%aboveacertain level–thanks,Ike!)therearemany regressivetaxesstill. Aheavy progressiveor graduatedincome tax
Mostly no. A little yes. Whilethe estatetaxcertainlyexists,itisnot heavyenoughtoprevent aristocracy,evenifuntitled.
More no than yes. ButtheFederal CommunicationCommissionstill won’tletmeseeboobieson networktelevision.AndDept.of Transportationstillcontrolsand fundsmosttransportation infrastructure.
Sorry, but we cannot go full yes,astheAmericansystemis muchstronger,withrules againstperjury,slander,and defamationagainstanyone. No loopholetoslanderthe Moabitesorotherenemies.
And according to science, the winner is godless communism! America is 72% communist, while only 28% Christian, when comparing the 10 point platforms of each to our actual laws.
Scan here to donate money for our effort to have a monument to Uncle Karl’s platform erected at courthouses around the nation! #heritage, #americanhistory!
PLACES TO VISIT AT UMSL
• UMSL Rec: Definitely a hotspot on campus. Take in amazing views while making some gains. My favorite is the stair master.
• The MSC: This may be obvious, but the MSC is a must see. When you enter this building it smells of fresh flowers. Most relaxing place on campus.
• Legras: This classroom is just spectacular. Legras is the perfect place to learn. Admire the carefully crafted arcitecture that is Legras.
“Finally, the car is old enough to rent a car. Also, why am I wearing a chef’s hat in this picture?” --Dan
Apartment Meadows Home Decor
(You have been reading Brain Stew!)
What the hell did I just read? “Brain Stew's mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensorED* free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations,” yak yak yak! We publish A LOT OF THINGS. Like, things that make Ed regret ever taking a job at the Honors College!
We’ve been publishing since 1991 (or 1993). Longer than Dan’s car has been running, somehow. We must be doing a good job though. Despite our best efforts, grown-ups keep giving us awards stuff like Best Sustained Program in 2012 and 2017, and Best Cultural Awareness Program in 2018. Even some shady committee called the “National Collegiate Honors Council” gave us awards in 2017, 2018, and Program of the Year in 2020.
Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHC, PLHCSA, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way obligated to print anything. In short, submit what you want, but we don’t have to print it if you’re being a little monster!
How to submit: Send your stuff to umslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
