Brain Stew 16' / '17 - Issue 2

IN THIS ISSUE: Uncle Brain Stew gives us advice on how to deal with bad roommates (spoiler alert: you can never use too many passive aggressive sticky notes). Thomas Poon and Kaitlin Henning are trying to poison you with lead paint at UPB’s Glow Party. Meagan invites you to embark on a challenging scavenger hunt and Lauren gives us an insightful and candid review of the Joliet Mall. Nicole transforms into an investigative journalist who doesn’t know how to properly separate paragraphs in an article. We have a funny picture of Jen Richardson, and we aren’t afraid to run it into the ground. Plus, a recap of what you missed at Honors Orientation, arson, Steak n’ Shake coupons, and DOGS! The Brain Stew, now you have a friend in the nonsense business- open Mondays and Fridays til’ 8, Saturdays and Sundays til’ 5, or online at @umslbrainstew.

“Interim Dean” Position Turns Out to be a Hoax: Honors College Endures World’s Worst Spelling Crisis

By Nicole Gevers, Brain Stew Reporter

The Honors College has endured many mistakes and spelling errors throughout its 25 year history, but nothing quite as debilitating as its latest blunder.

After a hasty typing error, the 2015-2016 Honors College Handbook mistakenly listed Dan Gerth as the “Interim Dean” of the Honors College. The title, which should have been correctly stated as “Interim Dan,” is held by Gerth as the Honors College searches for better people named Daniel to replace him. What has followed suit from this single spelling error has been a myriad of emails, letters, and brochures which incorrectly list Gerth as the Interim Dean. This, on top of Gerth’s assumption that he is now the acting dean, has led to one of the most chaotic periods in the history of the Honors program.

“Oh please, Dan only thinks that he is the Interim Dean,” Associate Dean Emerita Nancy Gleason stated. “I always try and tell him he’s just the Interim Dan, but he does not understand,” Gleason said. “We thought we had found a better Dan back in 2013 One of the few remaining copies after hiring who we of the Pierre Laclede Honors believed to be ‘Dan College 2015 Handbook which Torrusio’, however features the Dean/Dan mistake. we later found out that there was a typo on the application and that the name was actually ‘Ann.’” “I would’ve made one hell of a Dean,” Torrusio said. “Oh wait, you mean to tell me that application was to be the new Dan? Not the new Dean? Wait what? I would’ve been Dean Dan? That makes no sense. So let me get this straight, you’re saying I would’ve been Dan Ann? Dean Ann Dan? No? What do you mean I’m wrong? You guys are the ones who need to get your shit together!” [Ann proceeds to take off running a half marathon at record speed].

With Gerth serving as Interim Dan, the question arises, who is the Interim Dean? Dean of Students Curtis Coonrod, who has helped in the search for a

new Dean upon Bob Bliss’s retirement in 2015, believes the position may remain vacant.

“The position of ‘Dean’ for the Honors College is really a needless role. We all know that the ghosts call the shots over there in Provincial House. The Dean was simply a position to serve as a face for the Honors College. Bob did a really good job keeping the spirits in the building happy for the past two decades; I don’t think we will ever find anyone else who is long-winded or tall enough to avoid wreaking havoc and starting an on-campus apocalypse.”

“I feel bad that all this has happened since the misspelling incident,” Administrative Assistant Sherry Gerrin said. I was eating a Nature Valley bar while I was typing the handbook up, and some of the crumbs must have gotten stuck under the ‘E’ button so it didn’t work when I tried to type Dan’s signature.

I’m sure you’re aware of how those Nature Valley bars disintegrate when you try to eat them. Messy messy.”

When it was brought to her attention that her story did not make sense and that you do not need the letter “E” to spell “Dan”, Gerrein violently ripped the cords out of her computer and sprinted away alongside Torrusio. Even in the midst of all this chaos, Gerth still strongly believes his appointment as the dean is legitimate.

Sherry Gerrein takes a look over the 2015 Honors College Handbook.

“I’m the dean, I’m the dean, I’m the dean!!!” Gerth said. “You mean I’m not the dean? Bah! Nonsense! I am the dean! Away with you! Boo! Go read my emails! I’m the dean!”

The Honors College hopes to have a new Daniel hired by the end of the current school year. To avoid further confusion, all copies of the 2015-2016 Honors College Handbook have been confiscated and burned Fahrenheit 451- style in the Villa Courtyard.■

POINT/COUNTER-POINT

BACON? Mmm…Bacon. If you want to make something unhealthy, just put bacon on it. If you think that sentiment belongs in the other column, you do not understand the artistry surrounding pig flesh. I cannot express to you the joy of eating a nice Ultra-DoubleBaconator Supreme whilst watching an Ultra-Double Feature of Babe and Charlotte’s Web. And that smell! What an aroma to be awakened by. Dad at the stove (‘cause Mom’s usually the cook, as it was writ, but Dad makes the bacon and cookies) holding a clinic on the art of patience and paper towel folding. And bacon bits! No salad is complete without a heavy sprinkling of angel dust (no, not that angel dust. Look for that debate in the next issue.) The list of uses for this Miracle Meat is truly endless. Eating bacon is practically written into the Constitution. Go on, see for yourself and be the first of our generation to actually read it.

(Ahaaheh..errrm was that some kind of political statement?) No, I haven’t sat down and read it parchment to parchment either.

I’m just talkin’ shit, following my muse, you know how it goes. So anyway, it is arguably un-American to not eat bacon. What? You’re Jewish? Ok obviously I didn’t mean you, just look at the defensive fashion in which my hands are held up. I’m not trying to offend anyone here. Except vegetarians. Talk about un-American. (wtf does that even mean #govegan).

I know you’re out there, closeted Bacon Dislikers. Society has made you feel ashamed, even crazy. Eyes bulge, jaws drop.

“HOW could you not like ~*~baaaaaacooon~*~?!?” I mean, be honest. It just tastes kind of burnt. I love a good bandwagon as much as the next gal, but product developers really got carried away with the bacon craze of the early 2010’s. Toothpaste? GTFO. Now. Not to mention the horrifying albeit unique sensation of feeling your arteries clog in real time as you eat it. Sure, waking up to the smell of bacon may be nostalgic, but that’s only until you step on a George Foreman grill and burn your foot. Not fun, my friends. Not. Fun. (Are you even serious making a The Office reference right now? It’s 2016. Move on.)

And it’s such a mess to clean up. The thick layer of grease mixed with dietary guilt on your mom’s cast iron skillet isn’t going anywhere without some additional grease – elbow grease, that is. Get scrubbing! Oh, you don’t want the hassle? You can always eat *cue scary story ambience* microwave bacon. If you are reading this aloud, you’ll have to attend to the person in the room that just passed out.

Pre-packaged microwave bacon may actually be more American than regular bacon, seeing as it is the result of too much progress in the wrong direction and one of the many products that serves as a poster child for the fact that Americans will choose convenience over pretty much anything.

Here’s what you missed at Honors Orientation!  

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Zach Lee took a really disappointing selfie Geri Friedline threw some serious shade at Brain Stew (better make sure your car is locked, Geri) Dan Gerth paced a lot Beach ball game!!

Jen Richardson dropped some elbows during game time Nancy Gleason finally confessed her passion for Lee’s chicken Thomas Poon made a lot of noises Geri Friedline momentarily turned into Willy Wonka Nancy squealed about Dan’s “read the handbook” contest NO ONE SUBMITTED TO BRAIN STEW ISSUE #1 HOW DARE YOU ALL Jen regally proclaimed Mandy’s arrival into the Multi-Purpose Room Ann Torrusio made a…..wait.…hold on....where was Ann?!

Rob Wilson and the Adjuncts stood up and stormed out Mandy Bibee received a standing ovation and screech from Thomas Poon Still no Common Room puppy Dan declared the Honors College a Communist regime The typical shuttle spiel from none other than Nancy Gleason

DID YOU KNOW? The publication date of this issue, August 26th, is NATIONAL DOG DAY! Third only to National Cat Day and International Cat Day, National Dog Day is a great chance to throw your dog a bone, literally.

We now present to you some pictures of dogs close to the hearts of Brain Stew and associates:

Duke, bottom left. Sits in closet at night then cries really loudly until someone comes back and retrieves him for bedtime.

Tiger, top right. King-Man/Bag of Bones.

This was the only pic of Duke Meagan had if that tells you anything.

Nancy and her ragdoll smol, fluffie puppy, Perry.

I just wanna smoosh him!

What a great dog picture! We are sparing you a most devastating pic of Lily being entirely depressed that Nicole was going back to school.

Trust us, you and your heart are thankful.

Snoop Doggy-Dogg. Rumor has it that he enjoys Sugarfire’s barbecue, particularly their Bacon Blunts, made especially for him. Hey, that ends up being a nice tie-in to the Point/Counter-Point, doesn’t it?

Nuthin’ but a ‘BS’ Thang.

A Pretty Difficult Scavenger Hunt Provide proof of at least 7 out of 11 to Meagan and receive a Major Award*!

1. A teacher from your childhood that doesn’t like Mary Engelbreit 2. A political post on Facebook that actually changed your mind on a topic 3. A name of an IKEA furniture piece longer than 8 letters that you can correctly pronounce 4. Tickets to Hamilton: An American Musical (must be surrendered) 5. A Mercedes Benz with a bumper sticker 6. Someone walking in the street a mere vehicular manslaughter’s distance away from the sidewalk (This is probably the easiest one to find. PEOPLE, I TELL YOU.) 7. A confrontation between a Chipotle cashier and a customer who “didn’t know” the guac was extra 8. A truly original movie in a major theater 9. Someone you personally know who is an avid user of MySpace 10. A regular fry in your order of curly fries 11. A cat that I can’t hang with You have until the end of the semester.

Good luck. *Probably not a leg lamp. Or Italian.

Advice from Uncle Brain Stew Dear Uncle BS, I think I’ve made the worst mistake of my life! I decided it’d be great to live on campus cuz I’d be near my classes and everything going on on campus and I’d make like BBFLs with my classmates, and so far it’s been great, but my roommates are literally the worst people I’ve ever met! They play music all hours of the night, they leave trash all over the hallway, they steal my toothpaste in the morning, the list goes on and on!

What can I do? I don’t want to move out, but it feels like this is the only option I have.

Anna R. K.

sending them items like headphones in the mail.

Be sure to attach an ominous note, like “I see you when you’re blasting the Black Eyed Peas at 2 am.

You’d look even prettier if you wore these while doing it. XOXO” Then proceed to blast your own music, or even just random sounds. Pro tip: There’re a couple of Spotify channels dedicated to just white noise (id est, background sounds like rain storms and traffic, not the lady with the “can I speak to a manager” haircut talking for twenty minutes). Aim your speakers right at their room and voila. However, from personal experience, I

Dearest Anna R. K.,

can attest that this may not work all the way. Now

Ugh, I know, roommates can be the worst. But

comes the fun part: Scaring the living shit out of

there is an alternative to moving out: Make them

them. Remember season two episode one of Zoey

move out! All you need to do is see their trashy-

101, where Lola moves in and pretends that she’s a

ness and raise them one demon-spawn. Start off

freaky goth chick as an acting exercise? She uses

simple. For the first week of making their lives hell,

such methods as talking with the dead and trying

leave passive aggressive sticky notes on

to pierce her tongue as a means of freaking out

everything. Yes, EVERYTHING! Don’t like their

Zoey and Nicole, and you can too! You can totally

music? Leave one that asks that they kindly “Use

recreate Kubrick’s The Shining in your dorm with a

headphones” or “Turn the music down a notch.”

bit of makeup and stage magic. First off, find a

Don’t like that they use your toothpaste? Leave a

twin on campus and stand at the end of the

reminder on the sink that “If you’re going to use

hallway clad in white dresses and baby powder.

my toothpaste, please leave it where I left it. PS.

(Bonus points if you can put an overturned trike in

Also maybe push from the bottom of the tube like

front of you.) For added effect, buy some Magic

a homo sapien please.” They’ll really get a kick out

Blood Powder from amazon.com and write “Red

of that. As for the trash, we’re ready to move onto

Rum” on the mirror before they shower. The water

the next phase. You don’t really have to clean it

vapor in the air will react with the invisible powder

up, but you can pile it all in front of their rooms.

and run on the mirror like blood. If they don’t run

Leaving a clear path to your door—and your door

for the hills after that, I guess you could move

only—should send a direct message along the

back in with your parents, but I think this is at least

lines of “You’re in my territory now.” If this hasn’t

worth a shot.

mended your roommate situation yet, you can

Love and kisses,

begin to step up the passive aggressiveness by

Uncle BS

Paintapalooza VS Glow Party*: Weeks of Welcome Events Go to War! If you read UMSL Daily this week or picked up the new WOW booklet, you might have been a little confused by what appear to be two paint themed events happening on consecutive days. We here at Brain Stew sure were. In order to understand better the rationale for both events, we recently caught up with Nick Domescik and Kaitlin Henning from the sponsoring organizations to clear up the confusion.

Brain Stew

Nick Domescik, Pierre Laclede Honors College Student Association Friday at 1pm on the Provincial House lawn.

Kaitlin Henning, University Program Board

How did your event originate?

Paintapalooza is now in its 4th year. PLHCSA has always done welcome week events, even before Student Life officially came up with the “Weeks of Welcome” name. We’ve done luaus, Olympics, bbqs and others. Paintapalooza came about purposefully as we examined strengths and weaknesses of previous events and tried to figure out how best to reach out to all student populations on campus to make them feel welcome on campus.

This is the first year for Glow Party. All UPB officers needed to come up with events.

Everything Thomas Poon came up with was a ripoff of PLHCSA events. He suggested Haunted Thanksgiving, turning Provincial House into a haunted house for Thanksgiving. He also suggested Haunted Christmas, which was pretty much the same thing, except it was still on Thanksgiving for some reason. Then he suggested a pool tournament called Get Feeled. Glow Party was the least obnoxious thing he came up with.

His name for it was Paintapalooz-o. I don’t know about that kid. I think maybe his parents dropped him on his head or something.

These sound like really messy events. How are you handling clean up?

Our event is outdoors, so clean up is not an issue at all.

Briana Robertson was in charge of that. I asked her yesterday and she said “At my house, the maid cleans up for me.” I’m not sure exactly what that is supposed to imply for Pilot House, but it will probably be fine, I guess.

Can you tell us about the paint itself?

Kaitlin, we couldn’t hear you. Could you speak up?

We still didn’t catch that.

Our powder paint is environmentally safe and will not harm the campus, visually or environmentally.

Our paint is mumble mumble mumble mumble.

It sounded like she said it was “bread paint,” whatever that means.

Uh no, it’s just that our paint is mumble mumble mumble.

Did you say lead?! Are you using lead paint?

What is wrong with you?

Yes! Okay! Are you happy now? It’s not like I wanted it to be lead paint. But that copyright charge for us to show Captain America at the pool used up 90% of the year’s budget. And we can import lead paint from China very cheaply. And it’s not like people will be bringing children. How bad could it be?

Is there anything else we should know about your event?

All PLHCSA events benefit charity.

Paintapalooza has won numerous Student Life awards, including most innovative program.

I miss last year’s Brain Stew editors.

When and where is your event?

Saturday at 9pm in Pilot House.

*Glow Party has since been cancelled, proving the superiority of Paintapalooza.

A REVIEW OF LOUIS JOLIET MALL By: Lauren O’Donnell

Winner, Winner, Brain Stew Dinner Congratulations to @LilBrewza for being our 50th Twitter follower! We figured we’d go one step further than putting your photo for all to see in our fine publication: You, @LilBrewza, have won guaranteed publication for you and all of your Honors College classmates. That’s right! You won EVERYONE the ability to get anything published in any and every issue of Brain Stew. Every set of eyeballs reading this right now. YOU. How exclusive! Make sure you take advantage of this lucrative opportunity and SUBMIT TODAY! Follow us! @umslbrainstew (Who knows, there may be a legitimate prize one of these days!)

THIS IS HERE SO THAT DAN DOES NOT COMMENT ABOUT THERE BEING A BLANK SPACE….BABY….NICE TO MEET YOU, WHERE YOU BEEN? I COULD SHOW YOU INCREDIBLE THINGS. MAGIC, MADNESS, HEAVEN, SIN. SAW YOU THERE AND I THOUGHT: OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT FACE. YOU LOOK LIKE MY NEXT MISTAKE. LOVE’S A GAME WANT TO PLAAAAAAAY? NEW. MONEY. SUIT AND. TIE. I CAN READ YOU LIKE A MAGAZINE. AIN’T IT FUNNY, RUMORS FLY. AND I KNOW YOU HEARD ABOUT ME SO HEY, LET’S BE FRIENDS. I’M DYING TO SEE. HOW THIS ONE ENDS

The Understew We ask Honors College faculty stupid questions – they answer, stupidly:

Which WOW event are you looking forward to most?

Kim Baldus

Ann Torrusio

Geri Friedline

Well, that’s a tough one. I’ve had “Getting Off to a Balanced Start: Managing Your Time Commitments” on my calendar for September 5th for some time now, but I think I may have overscheduled. Dan puts all these faculty meetings in our planners. Most of these turn out to be either pranks or Dan just talking about his cat for a half an hour, but they’re mandatory regardless. The real irony is that he controls my schedule. I need an event called “Getting Out of Dan’s Meetings,” honestly.

I’m particularly interested in the “Lunch and Learn: Healthy Habits” on September 7th. I’m certain that they’ll hit all the easy points, you know, the “eat your celery because you burn more calories than it’s worth” blaw blaw blaw. I can’t wait to jog in and drop some huge knowledge bombs on them by surprise. Did you know that if you’re already thirsty, then you’re already dehydrated? I bet that they don’t know shit about getting fit.

The “Overcoming Math Anxiety” workshop on September 15th piques my interest. You see, I haven’t had to use math for some time now; my degrees are in English, and myGateway tallies up student’s points automatically.

All I need to know is that if it’s under ten, you spell it out by most standards. Who needs math sentences when you can have good, old fashioned regular sentences?

CONTEST TIME! CAPTION THIS!! (that’s ketchup) Is Dan explaining how he once drunk Mr. Heinz himself under the hot dog stand? Are they teaching a class titled “Ketchup vs Catsup: A Nation Divided”? We can’t wait to find out.

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. Brain Stew started in 1991, and this year we are celebrating our 25th anniversary (please don’t do the math). We won Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors: Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Meagan Burwell: mcb284@mail.umsl.edu Zach Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law. All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.