Brain Stew '16 / '17- Issue 1

IN THIS ISSUE: WE’RE BAAAAAACCK! Brain Stew gives you everything you need to succeed this semester– a not-so interactive map of Hogwarts Provincial House, a faculty cheat-sheet, and top-notch advice for new students. Zach gives us the low-down on the best places on campus to hunt the Pokéman and his review of Sodexo’s best-kept secret: The Take Out Menu. Meagan attempts to make some sense of the generational alphabet and wants you to stop calling yourself a 90’s kid. Horoscopes, Orientation Day Bingo, PLHCSA Propaganda, and a heartwarming letter from Dan Gerth. Plus, our first contest of the year!! It’s Brain Stew, Y’all!

Welcome to another exciting semester here at the Pierre Laclede Honors College. Whether you are a first-time freshman, returning student, or north campus freeloader who only comes in here because of the free coffee, we are glad to have you with us.

I hope the summer left you feeling relaxed and refreshed; I know it did for me and my cat, Bob. We spent our lazy summer days drinking scotch on the patio, watching mail-order catalog VHS movies, taking potshots at the neighborhood kids with our supersoakers, and ding-dong ditching Nancy Gleason’s house. Although the glory days of summer are behind us, an enjoyable semester lies ahead.

Some changes have been taking place at the Honors College, and we are excited for you to be a part of them. For those of you who are new to the Honors College or who have been living under a rock and ignoring my emails (you don’t read my emails? Boo! You slackers!), former dean Bob Bliss has retired and moved to a teaching position in the history department on North campus. In turn, I began my reign of terror role as interim dean of the Honors College last August. In addition, associate dean emerita Nancy Gleason “retired” from her position in the Honors College, but has refused to abandon her responsibilities and will not go home even when we ask her nicely. Furthermore, former teaching professor Chad Hankinson left the Honors College after accepting a new position at Oklahoma State, however we really didn’t like him all that much. While we have said goodbye to a few long-time faculty, we have welcomed two new members to the Honors college: Mandy Bibee and Kate Votaw. Mandy is our full-time academic advisor and Kate is serving as a teaching professor and an advisor for psychology, anthropology, and music education majors. Mandy and Kate are both very nice and I do not have dirt on either of them. Boo! In addition to faculty changes, the Honors College has some other exciting things taking place. After much consideration, the PLHC has budgeted money for the adoption of a companion dog (although cats are obviously the superior species) which will reside in the Common Room. We hope that the dog will serve as a stress-relief outlet for students and will allow the Honors College to have its own mascot that is not associated in any way whatsoever with whatever the hell “Louie the Triton” is. Also coming this semester is the installation of a wine cooler in the second floor kitchen, which will be utilized

by Kim Baldus during her class Quit Your WINE-ing, an Analysis of Alcohol and Social Conflict in the Eighteenth Century. She promises it will be utilized solely for the sake of academia, and not as an excuse for daytime drinking. Due to university-wide budget cuts, the Honors College will be leasing out the Small Library on the second floor as commercial office space to help with spending deficits. However even during times of financial uncertainty, we are pleased to be able to continue to provide stateof-the-art amenities to our students such as running water, electricity, and an elevator. We also have been fortunate to be able to enhance Provincial House with some new renovations, including new tile floor in front of the dining hall, paranormal activity extermination in Villa Hall, and the installation of new WiFi routers in the trees so that the geese can have reliable access to the internet.

I hope that you are ready for a successful and fulfilling semester here at the Honors College. Feel free to drop by my office anytime to talk, ask questions, or to make fun of my beard. My door is always open.

Dan Gerth Dean Pierre Laclede Honors College

MEET THE EDITORS MEAGAN BURWELL Meagan Burwell is an Economics major minoring in Environmental Studies. She is an ailurophile who constantly misses her child, Dori. She hasn’t seen Finding Dory. When asked to choose among alphabetically labelled, hinged pieces of wood, Meagan chooses Door E. She judges your use of a plastic bag.

NICOLE GEVERS Nicole Gevers is pursuing a civil engineering degree and a mathematics minor. She excels at eating cereal, falling asleep during movies, getting car sick, and forgetting her friends' birthdays.

ZACH LEE Zach Lee is exactly what you think he is: an English major with an emphasis in creative writing and certificates in professional writing, gender studies, and sass. How does he do it all? Because he stole a time turner from the ministry and wasn’t dumb enough to hide it in a book case puzzle that two fourth years and a Hogwarts-wanna-be could figure out. He also has a fetish for acoustic guitar music.

MOVE-IN/ORIENTATION DAY BINGO

P

R

O

H

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PLHCSA propaganda for Paint-A-Palooza (which you should totally go to, by the way)

Oh heey, that kid you went to grade school with

Some fragile, broken item that did not survive movein, and never really had a chance

A conversation that includes: "Where are you from?" "What's your major?" "Where did you go to high school?" "Did you play any sports?"

"Are you going to live on campus?"

Uncomfortable small talk with table acquaintances

Incoming students getting forced to take awkward photos in HoCo shirts

Oversized futon attempting to be moved into Oak Hall

You catching yourself scoping out the cuties

Bob Bliss gives a lengthy speech to the freshmen

5+ minute elevator wait

Icebreakers!

Lanyards being worn around the neck

Jen's beach ball game

Invitation from a random guy to a random frat party

A hair that got Free Space (This is trapped in the wax college, nothing is of your dorm floor free!)

30 minute wait to get lunch due to a mass exodus to ProHo

An instantaneous Difficult fumbling "friendship" resultwith room keys and ing from a fear of card swipes eating alone in the dining hall

A sweaty dad haulNancy Gleason ing a TV across the gives a spiel about parking lot in 95+ campus shuttles degree weather

"Move in Day!", "Can't wait to see what this year has in store for me!", or "Can't wait to spend this year with these awesome people!" social media posts

"'Kay, see ya" parent-child interaction in the dorms

Dan insists that everyone read the Honors College Handbook (let's just say you don't exactly "own" your soul anymore)

Mom crying in the dorms

KIM BALDUS

ANN TORRUSIO

CHRISTOPH SCHIESSL Kim baldus: Kim knows what you’re thinking before the words ever leave your mouth. Fueled by Diet Coke and wine, Kim puts the “LIT” in eighteenth century Victorian literature.

DAN GERTH

SHERRY GERReIN

NANCY GLEASON

Geri friedline: Geri will probably eat your lunch out of the fridge and claim she had no idea it was yours when confronted. We still like her anyways.

MANDY BIBEE

MEET THE FACULTY

PAT Geri JEN KATE SANDERS FRIEDLINE RICHARDSON VOTAW Dan Gerth: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Or his beard!

Nancy gleason: Nancy is as sweet and American as apple pie. The Brett Farve of the Honors college, Nancy says she is “retired” but will never actually leave. Ask her about her new puppy. Do it. I dare you.

Pat sanders: No relation to Bernie. Might be related to Adam. What? Sandler? *runs away*

Jen richardson: Jen is as hyperactive as a small child after eating a really sugary piece of apple pie (Zach is really stuck on this whole “American” thing). Direct eye contact with Jen may result in itchiness, swelling, fever, nausea, numbness, or your eyeballs being burned out of their sockets. Consult your doctor if you have these or any other symptoms.

Sherry gerrein: As sweet and American as Nancy Gleason, Sherry is the friendly face everyone sees upon entering the Honors College. Sherry is very nice.

Almost too nice. Suspiciously nice...she’s probably hiding something from us.

Christoph schiessl: Christoph knows way more about US History than you ever will. He has the most secluded and hard-to-find office in the Honors College because he requested it. Christoph is also the tallest faculty member now that Bob is gone.

Foul play perhaps? We’re not ruling anything out.

Kate votaw: The newcomer to the full-time lineup, we are still looking for some good things to typecast Kate for in Brain Stew. If you have any suggestions, email us A.SAP as possible. Based off this picture, we think Kate may be Jen’s twin, but we aren’t sure.

Ann torrusio: One of the nicest people you will ever meet. But don’t be fooled. Ann will not tolerate your bullshit. Not even for a second.

When she’s not teaching, she’s running practice marathons on the treadmill that she keeps tucked away in the back corner of her office.

Mandy bibee: Don’t underestimate Mandy. One time I saw her bowl seven strikes in a row. And she played it off like she wasn’t even good at bowling. What else is she good at and not telling us about? Who knows.

You need to come to this event. Don’t give me the whole “oh I don’t know anyone who’s going and it might be awkward” or “oh I just want to stay in my room for a little bit and take a nap” excuses. Come to Paint-A-Palooza. It’s what all the cool kids are doing. A little peer pressure never hurt anyone, right? Right?! Whatever. Just come to Paint-APalooza. It’s free and it’s fun (and counts as a Triton Challenge event, by the way).

ARE YOU A FRESHMAN LOOKING TO GET INVOLVED? PLHCSA is currently searching for a freshman class representative.

Qualifications: Fall 2016 freshman. Attending college for their 1st semester. Looking to take on responsibility in the PLHCSA EXEC BOARD. WHAT DOES THIS POSITION DO? Attend PLHCSA executive board meetings (approx. 1 per month), attend PLHCSA events (approx. 1 per month), represent and support the needs of new students of the Pierre Laclede Honor College, and help PLHCSA plan an entire year’s worth of fantastic events!!!!

HOW TO RUN FOR THIS POSITION? Email a short bio statement, including why people should vote for you, to PLHCSA president, Nick Domescik at njdzr7@mail.umsl.edu by 12:00pm on Friday, September 2nd . Statements should not exceed 250 words. Elections will be held September 12th-13th.

FIRST FLOOR

SECOND FLOOR

THIRD FLOOR

ADVICE TO NEW HONORS STUDENTS As many of you are aware, the Honors College classroom style is much different from that of the traditional classroom. With seminar-style class discussions and writing-based assignments, the Honors College can take some getting used to.

Lucky for you, we have a guide of do’s and don’t’s to make your professors happy and start you off on the right foot in the Honors College. Here are 7 things we wish we would’ve known during our first year as Honors students:

DON’T take notes in class. Honors professors are much more impressed by students who are able to remember everything they say rather than having to resort to taking notes. Also, typing up or jotting down notes can be distracting, and professors want to make sure they have your undivided attention. Don’t even bring a notebook with you to class. It sends a negative message to your professors and shows that you don’t really care what they have to say because you are too busy trying to scribble things down.

DO yell out the first thing that comes to your mind. Don’t even bother raising your hand. Honors professors love students who show unbridled passion during class discussions. Show your enthusiasm even more by shouting over your classmates when they talk. It shows initiative and sets you apart from your peers.

DON’T cite your sources in an essay. “A good magician never reveals his tricks.” Same is true for a good Honors student. Impress your professors by showing that you didn’t have to consult a single source for your seven page research paper because you are so smart and knew all the information already. If you do have to consult some outside information, don’t let them know! Fake it til’ ya make it! It shows confidence and commands respect from professors and peers alike.

DO use Sparknotes. Sometimes Sparknotes says what books simply can not. Again, Honors Professors love resourceful students, and Sparknotes is one hell of a resource. Better yet, instead of opening your book for class discussion, open Sparknotes. Nothing says “I care about this class” more than using Sparknotes.

DO drink all of the coffee in the common room.

DON’T refill the pot once it is empty. Dan Gerth just LOVES filling up that coffee pot 5+ times a day himself. That’s why they put his office right next to it.

DON’T print your paper drafts out ahead of time. Print them right before class starts to ensure you are late to class. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “isn’t it bad to be late to class?

Won’t my professor be mad?” This is simply not the case in the Honors College. Showing up late with a freshly printed paper from the computer lab shows your professor that you were so dedicated to getting your paper right, you spent every possible second working on it, therefore the only time you had left to print it was right when it’s due. Chances are, your other classmates took the same initiative, so you all will be late to class together. Literally nothing could make your professor happier.

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE THIS SEMESTER!

CONTEST ALERT!!

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Send your submissions to one of the editors by Wednesday, August 24th!

WHAT IS BRAIN STEW? Brain Stew’s mission is to provide for the Pierre Laclede Honors College student body a forum for uncensored free thought, commentary, and creativity, as well as news and event listings from PLHCSA and other related campus organizations. Brain Stew started in 1991, and this year we are celebrating our 25th anniversary (please don’t do the math). We won Student Life’s award for Best Sustained Program in 2012.

HOW CAN I CONTRIBUTE TO BRAIN STEW? Send your editorials, articles, poems, stories, reviews, plays, drawings, photography, fart jokes, personal ads, or whatever else you can think of to one of the editors:

Nicole Gevers: nmgtzc@mail.umsl.edu Meagan Burwell: mcb284@mail.umsl.edu Zach Lee: zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu

Disclaimer: We issue no content guidelines beyond those of state, local, and federal law.

All content is the responsibility of the creator. UMSL, PLHCSA, PLHC, and the Brain Stew staff are in no way liable for content. But feel free to complain.

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