Brain Stew '17 / '18 - Issue 7

in this award-winning issue

Did you know that Brain Stew won an award? We believe me after reading this issue you’ll never forget it. Nicole whines righteously and rightfully about the Marvel franchise. Emma shares a beautiful rendition of a classic Christmas poem. Zach uncovers a rumor here at the good ol’ PLHC. Dr. Holly(days) Pope rights in about drinking reindeer piss. Malik realizes what every freshman realizes their first year about the UMSL meal scam plan. Mike teaches us how not to drive like an asshole. Ariel gives us some very lovely and heartfelt advice (god bless). And fewer people submitted to our contest. What the hell folks?? I know y’all’re busy, but it was just a letter. Jeez. Well the next contest is gonna be fail proof because it’s about memes and everyone loves memes. Like, you’ll have to try not to apply to this contest, that’s how easy it it. And you’ve got over a month! No excuses! Boo!

CONTEST ALERT HEY FOLKS, YOU KNOW THAT BRAIN STEW IS NO STRANGER TO MEMES. WE JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEM! WE LOVE POSTING THEM, WE LOVE ASKING FOR THEM, AND WE EVEN HAVE A SPECIALLY DESIGNATED MEME CURATOR, ADAM “PAPI” THOMPSON. WELL, IF YOU SHARE OUR LOVE FOR MEMES, THEN BOY OH BOY DO WE HAVE A CONTEST FOR YOU! WE FOUND THIS PICTURE OF DEAN DAN AMONG THE PROFESSIONAL ALBUM OF PICTURES TAKEN AT THE NATIONAL COLLEGIATE HONORS COUNCIL CONFERENCE, WHERE BRAIN STEW RANKED 3RD PLACE AMONG OTHER NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED HONORS COLLEGE NEWS LETTERS. *HAIR FLIP* ANYHOO, AS YOU SAW ON THE PREVIOUS PAGE, WE’VE HAD A TON OF FUN MEMEING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PICTURE. NOW IT’S YOUR TURN! SUBMIT YOUR BEST CONFUSED DEAN DAN MEMES AND THE WINNER WILL WIN $10! YES, REAL MONEY! FROM DAN’S OWN POCKET! (MAYBE, WE ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS MAGICAL MONEY COMES FROM, MAYBE IT’S THE DIVIDENDS THAT DAN’S EARNING OFF HIS BITCOIN INVESTMENTS, OR IT COULD BE THE MONEY HE EARNS AS A STREET-PERFORMING MIME IN SOULARD EVERY WEEKEND, WE’RE NOT SURE.) HERE’S THE BLANK PIC:

THERE ARE THREE WAYS TO ENTER THIS CONTEST: 1. Send your caption to zjlmr5@mail.umsl.edu.

2. Fill out the blank meme above and send a picture to 314-520-6413.

3. Fill out any of the blank memes around Provincial House, put your name and email on the back, and leave it in the box in the common room.

SUBMISSIONS ARE DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17 AT 2PM. HAPPY MEMEING!

Remember: Without a turn signal, you’re just an asshole stopping in the middle of the road.

St. Louis has some of the worst drivers in the United States , with high insurance rates and a plethora of tragic accidents on a daily basis.

People in this city don’t seem to understand the basic traffic safety rules that a normal citizen should be able to take for granted. There is a stop sign next to my house that drivers often breeze through without even thinking about stopping. One day, a speeding food truck drove right through the intersection without a pause. Why do these people think that they are so important that they don’t have to obey simple traffic laws? Laws that are put in place to ensure our safety, nonetheless.

This attitude is selfish, inconsiderate, and the epitome of being a bad citizen. Unless there is a fire, or someone is having a baby, don’t drive like an asshole. Obey the traffic laws that can be found in any modernized country in the world - stop signs, stop lights, yield signs, no parking/no standing signs, one way streets, speed limits, use your freaking turn signals, and generally just drive like a considerate human being who realizes that they are in control of a thousand pound (or more) death machine. Accidents happen so quickly; if you have ever been in one you know this already. So remember, without a turn signal, you’re just an asshole stopping in the middle of the road.

(My opinion based on personally collected evidence, don’t ask any more questions.)

!"#$%&'()*+,-.*&/01234*516/* 56/*(1207*8691:*$;;1<603=/:*=>* !13/<*6*"16;;?*'391*(@?* A69762?*,11* !"*"1B=2012* News broke this past weekend over Snapchat of students coming forward to praise Interim Dean Dan Gerth of the Pierre Laclede Honors College, calling Gerth an “outstanding person,” a “swell guy,” and in the most extreme case, “the best dean ever!” The accusations came to light as Gerth traveled with colleagues and five students to the National Collegiate Honors Council conference in Atlanta, Ga., where Brain Stew was ranked third in the Council’s online publication contest, in case you didn’t hear.

Brain Stew reporter Zachary Lee had an exclusive interview with some of the students in question. Some names have been changed to protect the identity of the accusers.

“Yeah, Dan has been really nice!” said Nicold Shivers, senior, uncivil engineering. “He spent out the ass for dinner one night at this great rooftop hotel restaurant. He even posed with us for a few pictures,” Shivers added. She proceeded to show me the pictures, and indeed it looked as though the entire group was smiling and having a genuinely great time.

Sarry Hilper, senior, psychography, added another account of the dean’s kindness. “He drove the whole way there, all nine hours. And like, none of us died, which was great.”

“He even stopped to let us pee more than once,” added Ariella Chestnut, senior, financial modeling. “We really only expected like one stop in Tennessee so he could stock up on bourbon. I came prepared with several mason jars, but I didn’t even need most of them!”

“I can’t believe these allegations,” claims Gerth, “and I hope that these accusers know that

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spewing such benevolent ideas about me will be sued for libel! I’m not a great person! The only thing great about me is the amount of bacon and eggs I had for breakfast this morning! Boo!” Some of Gerth’s colleagues, however, are choosing to stand with the students and their allegations. “Dan Gerth is one of the most sincere, most kind educators—and people!—I know,” claimed totally retired Associate Dean Emeritus Fancypants Son’o’glee. “Teehee, isn’t that right, Perr Bear?”

“Woof woof, Dan’s a good boy!” regarded Associate Professor Perry Elliot Gleason.

Associate Professor Anastasia Torrusiano seemed at first to side with the accused. “Yeah, that fucker tried one-upping me to the kiddos on the trip with that fancy ass dinner. Well I sure put him in his place when I bought them this huge bowl of straight rum,” she claimed. “But then he went and paid the tip on everyone’s dinner! Asshole.”

In these turbulent times, it may be surprising to have this watershed of confessions, but rest assured that BS will be here to expose the good news when it assuredly comes through. !

The most prestigious, award-winning Prog Rock column in the nation (technically)!!!!

THE PROG CORNER! --A music column-Hi, friends! I hope your Thanksgiving break was nice! I spent most of it either eating copious amounts of junk food or hunched over a computer, crying, trying to get schoolwork done! Good times!

As you may know, this will be my final Prog Corner as well as my last issue as an editor of Brain Stew, before venturing off into the wild, uncharted territories known as Adulthood™. It’s so sad, I know! I haven’t even scratched the surface of the abundance of prog that awaits to be seen! So let’s dive right into a very famous prog group that we haven’t talked about before in this series! Yay for new things!

Selling England by the Pound -- Genesis (1973) Genesis! Oh, Genesis. If you’re familiar with this band at all, it’s probably with their later stuff from the 80’s, where their sound took a more mainstream turn. But don’t be fooled, this band has some proggy, proggy, roots. At the time of their fifth album, Selling England by the Pound, the group consisted of Peter Gabriel (vocals), Tony Banks (keyboards), Mike Rutherford (bass), Steve Hackett (guitar), and Phil Collins (drums & additional vocals).

A vast majority of the prog bands I’ve talked about in this column have been British, if you hadn’t figured that out already. Genesis is British as well, but they seem to take the British-ness to a whole different level than the other bands.Genesis’s songs lean heavily on a certain medieval fantasy and nursery-rhyme feel, and often Peter sings his lyrics with no effort to hide his prominent accent.

Better put on some afternoon tea and nibble on a scone as you dive into this album!

The first track is “Dancing With the Moonlit Knight”, which starts with a single line sung a capella: “Can you tell me where my country lies? / said the uniform to his true love's eyes”. Already you can feel the nursery-rhyme-ish-ness about it. The song starts slow but soon picks up by the middle, with a climactic instrumental break before settling down and fading out. The lyrics are all over the place, with a bit of a knights theme tying them together...although instead of fighting, all the knight want to d o is dance.

Due to “Moonlit Knight” being a considerably longer song, the next track, “I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)”, feels incredibly short at four minutes. The song tells a simple story of a young lad who mows lawns for a living, and likes to eavesdrop on his customers. The refrain, “I know what I like, and I like what I know / getting better in your wardrobe, stepping one beyond your show” baffles me a bit, though. Whose wardrobe is he talking about? What is getting better about it? We can’t dwell on it for long, because it’s on to the next track, “Firth of Fifth”! The piano takes center stage here, then on to some nonsensical lyrics. Things tone down with a gentle flute solo in the middle, but then burst into an intense synth interlude with a funny meter! The song ends with a final nonsensical verse and a tiny bit more piano.

And now for something completely different! We have a quiet, acoustic song called “More Fool Me”. Probably the most straightforward track on the album, it’s a short and sweet breakup song -- a sweet respite to prepare us for what’s up next. “The Battle of Epping Forest” is probably the most exciting track, telling the epic tale of a fight between the gang of Little John and the gang of Willy Wright. It’s a long song, and takes some turns through some weird places, including and interesting refrain of “Picnic! Picnic! Picnic!” and Gabriel using a comical cockney accent when talking about the gang members. In the end, no one from either of the gangs is left alive, so the battle concludes with a draw. How anticlimactic!

Next is an instrumental track, “After the Ordeal”. Not much to say about it; it doesn’t hang around for too long before the next song appears, “Cinema Show”. The first half of this song gentle, telling the tale of a girl (Juliet) and boy (Romeo) getting ready for a date. The second half seems to be in no way correlated with the first, and tells of an old man (Father Tiresias) giving life advice from his experiences of travelling the world. It stays pretty gentle throughout, with an extended chorus of “na-na-na”s in the middle, and a long-ass instrumental bit at the end. The song transitions straight into the final track, “Aisle of Plenty”. It wraps up the album by mirroring the melody and instrumentation of the first track, and then gently fading out to the sound of Gabriel singing several phrases over and over.

So, there’s the prog side of Genesis for you! This album isn’t as hyperactive as some other prog album as it focuses less on a guitar-heavy rock sound. However, it’s full of a lot of weirdness and British charm. It’s kind of like, weirdness that you can relax to.

So, that’s it! Thanks for joining me all the way through this musical journey! Brain Stew is definitely something I will miss dearly! Keep prog in your hearts, friends!

--PROG VS. PUNK: WHO WON?--

The results are in, folks! You sent us your completed brackets from last issue's Prog vs. Punk Showdown and we have tallied the votes!

And it seem that...there's...a tie??!? Hold on, that can't be right....

Turns out we have eyewitness reports of both Emma and Dan trying to rig the competition, with Emma filling out extra brackets and Dan sniping people around ProHo who look like hippies. Well, look where that both got you guys! Nobody wins! Prog and Punk will just have to shake hands and be friends!

Whether you love prog, punk, or both, we hoped you enjoyed listening to the music we curated for you and wish you Happy Holidays full of sparkly capes and mohawks!

We don’t wanna brag, but...

Off to choir! Let me tell you, everyone else in University Singers was preeeetty jealous.

Eating a hearty lunch in the Nosh while cramming for a test! I’m sure the trophy now fully understands and appreciates the inner workings of Java Web Applications.

Starting the day off right with an outfit that coordinates with the trophy! Black & White, a classic combination. Also a ghost skirt because the competition didn’t have a GHOST of the chance!

Sitting on the bench, waiting for the Student Shuttle! It’s been like, 20 minutes! Hahaha, I’m not mad!

Thought I’d take the trophy on a tour of Provincial House, including a thorough exploration of the creepy basement! Maybe this is the good-luck charm we needed to protect us from the ghosts!

Time to stop by the Common Room for some coffee. Looks like the NCHC plaque left the pot empty again! Boo! They say that cleanliness is next to godliness, right? Actually, the real question here is who is t he creep taking pictures itn the Villa North bathroom?

Last but not least, the trophy posing next to all of the Yes albums I own, who honestly are the real MVPs of Brain Stew. Prog reigns forever!!!!!!!!!!!

Waking up on the right side of the bed with the NCHC plaque (although TBH this guy is quite the blanket hog, let me tell ya.)

Working on our abs……..solutely incredible national award-winning publication™, Brain Stew.

A wild Nicole leaves her natural South Campus habitat for some study time in the TJ library. The fearless NCHC plaque keeps watch over the award-winning nationally recognized™ Brain Stew editor as she tackles her homework.

Off to class at Wash U. Last time I checked, none of Wash U’s publications were nationally recognized ….just sayin’.

Mr. Worldwide over here took the plaque with him all over the North America over break. Our little baby is an international star! Above he’s pictured with me in a plane in Chicago, and on the left we’re pictured leaving my Nan’s house in Calgary, Albert, Canada. I would have taken a picture with the plaque when I was in Los Angeles if I wasn’t too distracted by whatever bug I picked up flying between 14 F and 84 F temperatures. *shrugs bigly* At the plaque had a great time at my patner’s parents’ house though.

n n i w r u o o t s t a r Cong

! a l a c S er: Zoe

Brain Stew presents

Letters to Danta Claws

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Brain Stew presents:

Ariel’s Advice That Nobody Asked For!

By Ariel Brown

1. Give endless love, you will never run out. The idea that you will run out of love is a goddamn myth your love supply is ENDlLESS I promise you.

2. Sit your ass down, and reevaluate your goddamn priorities.

Decide what it is that you want, and don’t take no for an answer.

3. Eat a damn vegetable 4. Also, drink some water. Even if you don’t like it. And while you’re at it take a nap 5. If you’re confused, do yourself and literally everyone else a favor and ask questions 6. Check your tires, oil, and heater in your car. It’s getting cold.

7. Support your friends they love you too 8. Your grades do not define you 9. Stop using straws, and avoid plastic silverware/napkins/plastic bottles when you can. No one recycles as much as they say they do and that shit never biodegrades 10. Study. You don’t want to, but you and I both know you should

The Brain Stew Guide On

Not Drinking out of Your New Trophy Like a Barbarian Step One: Refrain from drinking out of that chalice, you fucking animal. This is for display only. Who knows what kind of germs lurk on that cup. Nasty.

Step Two: Intervene by pouring yourself a refreshing cold drink of your choice into a normal cup. Maybe a glass tumbler or a mason jar. Maybe a red solo cup or a huge ass mug. We don’t care.

Step Three: Take a swig from your refreshing cold beverage, because you deserve it, champ!

Step Four: Realize that you subconsciously actually poured your drink in the cup of your trophy.

Step Five: Accept that you are a champion and you deserve not only the refreshing cold beverage of your choice but also the ability to enjoy said refreshing cold beverage out of whatever container you desire, for you are a champion.

Whine & Dine Written by Malik L. Taylor-Allen Coming into UMSL as a freshman, I began a regular routine of waking up early in the morning, going to the Rec Center, doing a few morning chores, grabbing a hearty breakfast at Southside Café, and getting in some study time before I would head to class. I was at peace with myself, for I had a schedule that finally worked for me and prepared me for a day of lots of work and stress from my demanding classes. I could take up the work load well alongside having a great social life.

However, this all changed on the day I discovered that my declining balance was gone for good.

It was late September when I found I did not have enough funds to buy a sandwich and a peach parfait at the Simply to Go Café. I was headed to my morning Chem 1111 lecture when the cashier informed me that I had below three dollars in my declining balance and had to give up the sandwich which was more than I could afford using my declining balance alone. Most of the money I had spent away was lost from my short-lived habit of eating a filling breakfast which lasted for only a bit more than a month. This was just the beginning of the torture.

Every morning, I could no longer afford to go to Southside Café, so I skipped breakfast and often waited to eat dinner at the Provincial House. This led to a breakdown of my regular routine; I stopped going to the Rec center since I didn’t have much food to refuel myself after a workout, and my social and academic lives often became lopsided and flopped into extremes, and my study habits became less habitual, and my stomach growled more often. I was in despair.

I was displeased with my lowly state and I began to wonder of its cause, then I realized it was because of my weakened ability to attain food, most especially breakfast. Despite having more than a sufficient amount of meal blocks for the rest of the year, there is no place on campus that accepts meal blocks during breakfast time. As a campus resident and a broke college student, I find it difficult to find a location on campus where I wouldn’t have to go out of pocket for breakfast. After all, the Nosh doesn’t accept meal blocks until after 10:30 when their breakfast hours are over, and the Provincial House where meal blocks are always accepted doesn’t even open until an hour before noon which is way too late for anyone who needs to fuel themselves in the morning.

The most logical ways to fix this issue that many residents of Oak and Villa Hall especially face would be either to allow Southside Café to accept meal blocks or to open the Provincial House Dining location earlier. After all, these locations are easily accessible already for residents, and they could be more so if meal blocks were open for use before breakfast in both locations. If these options don’t work, then the university ought to give more declining balance to its students within each meal plan.

Southside Café would be an ideal place to allow meal blocks to be used because it already is opened by eight o’ clock for breakfast. It has a calming atmosphere for those who would like to stay in the café to study with friends and it is a quick and easily accessible place for those just trying to grab a meal before class. Southside Café is also close to the Honors college which means Honors students don’t have to worry about rushing to get an insufficient breakfast from the Nosh (which is all the way on North Campus) when they can utilize a meal block to get a filling breakfast to prepare for a big day where they can take on the challenges that college life throws at them.

Another option would be to bring back breakfast hours to the Provincial House. After all, the legend I keep hearing from upperclassmen is of a Provincial House that actually offered breakfast, but due to a mass of ungrateful students who did not take full advantage of such a blessing, this option was withdrawn from the university. Now, we all pay for their misdeeds. If this option was brought back, it would be extremely ideal for students since the Provincial House can well accommodate for a larger number of students than Southside Café can. It may be a less appealing option for some workers and for the Sodexo budget as well, but if being worried about the budget leads to more students with empty bellies in the morning when they should be consuming a hearty meal to start the day then something is entirely wrong with the way the university handles it’s dining and food.

A final option would be for the University to offer more declining balance within a Meal Plan. This is not the most ideal solution for students as it would be necessary either to increase the amount students pay for dining services or the decrease the excess money Sodexo gains from students paying for dining, but it would only be an all final solution if all else fails.

Whatever solution the University chooses (if they ever decide that students going into class on an empty stomach is an issue in the first place), students would be better able to concentrate more on their classes and campus activities and less on the stress of where or how they are going to get their next meal. After all, breakfast is considered the most important meal, and missing breakfast can disturb the eating patterns in the rest of the day, especially when classes take up so much daytime.

Hopefully, the University and Sodexo will solve this issue in later years for future residents and students who also rely solely on the campus dining services, so we can finally end the whining about dining.

From the Desk of Dr. Holly Pope The following is an account of a conversation between Mario Benassi (a producer of Holy shit, I’m feeding wildlife documentaries) and a native of a a real life fucking reindeer! Aaaaah!

Siberian tribe. This conversation took Science! place at an Alaskan wildlife refuge. Entertain this tale at your own risk….

(The Siberian Guy is visiting the wildlife refuge on a tour of Alaska. They come to the enclosure where the reindeer are kept) Siberian Guy: Oh, I see you have reindeer.

Do you ever use them to do work?

Mario: No. S: Oh we use reindeer all the time to haul wood and carry things. They are very good workers to have around. Do your reindeer happen to favor a particular mushroom?

M: What do you mean?

S: Have you ever seen your reindeer act funny?

M: Well there was once when we thought our reindeer was sick because his eyes were crossed and he was walking funny.

S: Oh he wasn’t sick, he must have eaten Amanita mushrooms.

M: What kind of mushrooms?

S: Oh reindeer love Amanita mushrooms. They like to get high off of them. They seek out these particular mushrooms because it gives them hallucinations. These mushrooms are toxic to people, so we can’t eat them directly. When the reindeer eat the mushrooms and urinate, we can still get the hallucinogenic properties.

M: What! You drink reindeer pee?!

S: Oh no, of course we don’t drink the urine straight. We mix it in a drink. You people in America have a drink like this.

M: I guarantee you that we don’t have any drinks with reindeer urine in them.

S: Oh, but you put alcohol in place of the urine, and mix with egg, cream, and spices. You call it egg nog.

M: (jaw drop) S: We all drink it during the winter solstice.

M: Even the children?

S: Especially the children! During times of celebration, everyone spends time outside observing the Northern Lights while drinking. As the celebration continues, it eventually appears as though the reindeer are flying in the Northern Lights. We also have the Shaman of our village honor this mushroom by dressing in the colors of the

mushroom—a red cloak with white patches. You know this Shaman too.

M: I don’t think we do.

S: But I’ve seen this Shaman on your cans of Coca-Cola.

M: ……you mean Santa Claus?

So there you have it. The origin story of many of our favorite holiday traditions. Take from this story what you will. Gee--it’s really interesting to see how holiday traditions have evolved over time. Who knows, maybe eventually we’ll come full circle….

Happy Holidays!

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