PleaseenteryourBSusernameandpasswordtocontinue: Username Password Byproceedingfurther,youreleaseeveryoneassociatedwithBrainStewfromallliabilityinperpetuityforoffendingyouand waiveyourrightstoproceedwithcomplaints,protests,legalaction,orcommentingnegativelyonBrainStewinanywayto anyone.Youarestillallowedtouseasarcastictoneandeyerollwhensaying“IloveBrainStew,”butthatisall. Iacknowledgeandwillabidebythesetermsandconditions. iluvstew6969 AREYOUAROBOT? Congratulations.Youareahumanorsmartrobot.YoumayproceedtotherestofBS. WHOISTHETERRORIST? IFNOONEPROVIDEDISATERRORIST,LEAVEALL BOXESBLANKANDMOVEON.
Oneofmybiggestresolutions forthenewyearistomeeta lotofnewanimals.Iliketo startmyyearsoffwith growingtheenvironmental friendlycommunity.Thisway wecanbecomestrongerand fightthewaragainstanimal cruelty.Aftergrowingthe communitywebeginto executeourplan.Westartoff bygivingawarningfire.This waytheothersidewill understandhowseriouswe are.Afterthat,ifthereisno signofbackingdownwego allin.Theywon’tseeit coming.EitherwayIpredict thiswartocometoendby theyear2024,andthe animalswillriseonceagain.
Hmmm,cometothinkofit IguessIdohaveatleast one,butit’snotreallyfor meit’sforBob.Thereare theseballimplantsfor animalswhohavebeen neutered,andhe’sbeen beggingmetogetthem forhim.IthinkImayhave tostartagofundmefor him,andifnothingelse worksI’lljusthire someoneofftheblack markettodoitforcheap.
WhatisYourNew YearResolution?
Basically,Ihavethe sameresolutionas Audri.Iplantomeat asmanyanimalsas possiblethisyear.I hopetohaveaBBQ atleastonceaweek, andeatasmany schnitzel,bratwurst, andliverwurstas possible.
AudriAdams
Ihateit.Thisisa conspiracyfromtheanimal agricultureindustryto distractpeoplefromthe realstealingproblem:eggs andmilkbeingstolenfrom thelittlebocbocsandmoo moos.Butterisgenocide! Featherpillowsareassault! Woolispornography!Pet puppiesarestatutoryrape! Ponytailsonlittlegirlsare culturalappropriation! Jelloisfeet!!!!!!(Andtrust me,Iknowfeet).When willpeoplelearnthatyou canbeperfectlyhappy eatinggrains,vegetables, andSoylentGreen?
NaziAudriAdams
Everyhumanbeinghas somethingofvaluethatthey broughttothetable,especially Hitler…Iloveeveryone,and Jewishpeoplearenotgoingto tellme,‘Youcanloveusand youcanlovewhatwe’redoing toyouwiththecontracts,and youcanlovewhatwe’re pushingwiththe pornography.’Butthisguythat inventedhighwaysand inventedtheverymicrophone Iuseasamusician,youcan’t sayoutloudthatthisperson neverdidanythinggoodand I’mdonewiththat.I’mdone withtheclassifications.
ExceptforKiasandHyundais. Thosecanstillbeclassifiedas riceburners.
Whatdoyouthink aboutthe epidemicofstolen KiasandHyundais aftertheTikTok abouthowto stealthemtook off?
AudiAdams
Beepbeep!Vroomvroom!Youcan’t stealme!I’mtoofast!
KimJongUn
Bahahahahahaha!Stupid SouthKoreancars!Soeasyto steal.Youcan’tdothatwith NorthKorea’scar.Itisvery well-guarded.Plus,theextra keyishiddeninaplantbythe drivewayit’sparkedin,and you’llneverfindit.
DeareditorsoftheesteemedBrainStewstudentmagazine,
AnotheryearhasarrivedinwhichIhavetoreadtheswellthatyouputout.Shallwereviewthe pastyearforyou?IthinkthattherearesomanydifferentthingsthatIwouldratherdo(like putanicepieceofleadintomyrighttemporallobe),butIreallythinkthatitisnecessarythatyou understandtheabsolutecarnageyouhavecaused,andunderstandthefactthatyourhorrid, degenerative,absolutelyvilecontenthastraumatizedtheentirestudentbodyofthePierreLaclede HonorsCollege.Nottomentiontheincessantbullyingofprofessorswhototallycannothandlethe pressuresofbeingmadefunofbytwenty-year-oldsinacampussatiremagazine.Imeandoyou eventhinkoftheconsequencesofyouractions?Actually,don’tanswerthat.Noonewantsthe answer.
Let’sstartwiththefactthatyoulostfoureditorsoverthecourseof2022. Imean,BrainStew,whathaaaaappeneduh?Youlostfoureditorstothe pitfallsofgraduation!!Butforreal.Themagazine,bydefinition,alreadyhas onefootinthebeartrap.Thispublicationexiststosuckthelifeoutofthe metaphoricalwiener.Idon’tknowhowyouaren’tembarrassedtobe associatedwiththispublication.Honestly,IthinkIwouldratherreada manifestothanwhateveryoudecidetoreleaseandtraumatizeuswithevery otherFriday.
Therewasair-friedcrack,catbuttholes,objectificationofmen,crackhomes,hamsters,pissjokes, andso,somuchmoreinjust16issueslastyear.Why?Whydoyouwritethings,readthem,publish them,seethemonphysicalpaper,andcontinuetocreatethingsthatareevenworsethanthe thingyouwrotebeforeit?Doyouhavenoshame?
Listen,whateveryoudointheNewYear,andIknowthatwe,the studentsofthePierreLacledeHonorsCollege,aregoingtohateit anyways,please,please,tailorittoappealtothehumorofourprivileged whitehumorsothatatleastthejokesaren’tatourexpense.Wecanonly cryintoourmommydaddymoneysomuchbeforeweneedtouseitforour tuition.Toobadwecouldn’tgetintoWashU.Theydon’thavetoputup withsocalled“satire”magazinesthere.
PleaseBurninHellandStayThere,
TheStudentBodyofthePierreLaclede HonorsCollege,UniversityofMissouriSaintLouis
Well,Iseegood thingsaboutHitler! Dankeschoen,mein Kanye!Ididgood things!Idid!First,I ownedadog.Second,I shotmyselfinthe head.Third,I...well, uh…um,no,I…End communication!
MeetZeni
MeetZeni,heisthe newestmemberof theBrainStew family.
Zenihasalso recentlywent through transition surgery,and proudlyowns thepronouns she/hers/her.
ExtraFunFactsAboutZeni ----------------------•Zeniisaretireddrug lord.Shewasoneofthe largestcatnip distributorsinthemidwest.Nowshegoes aroundallhighschools withtheDAREprogram tellingtheeffectsof beinganaddict. •Zenialsorefusedto cleanherbawlsbefore thesurgery.Sometimes therewouldbepoop danglingonto thefloorasshewalked.
Isitimportanttoshowoffyourcarswithenormousemissionsto proveapoint? Greta Thunberg VS Andrew Tate No,andonlyasmalldicked loserwouldgothatfartoprove apoint.Notonlyisitlame,but italsohurtsourenvironment.It releasescarbonintoour atmospherecausingourplanet towarm.Always,whatpointis evenneededtobemadeby showingoffyouremission? Duetohisarrest,Andrew Tateisnotcapableof speakingonthissubject.
Morethan3000migrantworkersdiedbuildingsoccer “stadium”atHonorsCollegeforintramuralsoccer championshipgame.Whilepeoplequestionedtheethicsof EdMunnSepp’swinningbidin2018tohostthe2022 intramuralsoccerchampionship,andwhilemanymoreasked “there’sanintramuralsoccerchampionship?,”noone predictedthemassivedeathsofmigrantworkersthatwould ensueoverthenextfouryears,especiallysincetheentire stadiumseemstohavebeennothingmorethanfourorange conesandapoorlyinflatedsoccerball.FIFAhassuspended EdMunnSeppthrough2028.
Butnosignofanyemploymentor workisfoundanywhere.“Wefound alotofungradedpapersfromaclass aboutMalcolmX,buttheyappear tobefromadifferentschooland fromatleastfiveyearsago,ifnot longer”saidDannyFreetGarland, UMSLchiefofpolice.
Edannounces planstostepdown asdeanofHonors afterTwitterpoll hepostsresultsin 58%ofvotesgoing againsthim remainingin charge.
Meanwhile,acompetingpollsuggeststhatover81%of voterswouldlikeSnoopDoggtobecomedean.“Hellno!” saysSnoop.!
TheJanuary69thcommitteewrapsupworkwithan869 pagereport,69televisedhearings,andrecommendations forEdMunnTrumptobeindictedforobstructingan officialproceeding;conspiracytodefraudtheHonors College;conspiracytomakeafalsestatement;inciting, assisting,andgivingaidandcomforttoaninsurrection; andstinkbutt.“TonightIsaythistomyHonorsCollege colleagueswhoaredefendingtheindefensible,”saidKim BaldusCheney,“therewillcomeadaywhenEdwillbe gone,butyourdishonor,andespeciallyhisstench,will remain.”
TheProvincialHouseTimes “AlltheNews, Whetherit’sFitto PrintorNot!” TOPNEWSSTORIESOF2022 LATEEDITION TODAY:Newyear,new you,newstew!Catchupon thenewsbeforewebring youthefirststoriesof2023! COST:$4.20 MORETHAN3000MIGRANTWORERSDIEDBUILDINGSOCCER‘STADIUM’FORIM SOCCERLEAGUE! EdannouncesplantostepdownasDeanof HonorsfollowingTwitterpollresults
UMSLpoliceservewarrantforillegallystoredHonorsCollege documentsatEdMunnTrump’shouse
2022WordoftheYear! WhiletheOxfordEnglishDictionaryanointed“Goblinmode”and theMiriam-WebsterDictionaryanointed“Gaslighting”asthewords oftheyear,inlocalnews,BrainStewannounced“Yourarehired”as it’sofficialwordoftheyearfor2023. UMSLCollegeofOptometryamassestroopsattheProvincial Houseborder
Zelenskyrequestsmilitaryassistance.UMSLincreasesthebudgetof theCollegeofOptometryinresponse.CollegeofNursingbeginsselling militarydronestoCollegeofOptometry.
Intelligencesuggestsinvasioncomingassoonas2024.“WemustdenazifyProvincialHouse!”saysDeanKeshiaElderPutin.EdMunn
TheJanuary69thcommitteewrapsup
Dr.Baldus
FIRSTSTORIESOFTHESPRING
COLLEGE
AnanonymousprofessorhasfiledthemotionforanewelevatorinProvincial House,citingthattheyrequire“ADAcomplaintelevators”andthatitis“too difficult”togettheirbedazzledmorphinedripupanddownmultipleflightsof stairswithinthespanofatypicalworkday.Thenewelevatorwouldhavetobe instituted,atthelatest,bytheFall2023semesterinordertofullyensuremorphine dripsareabletofreelytravelthroughouttheformerconvent.Additionally,the professorhasfiledforthemainofficetodistributecoziesforthemorphinebags, statingthatthe“stuffdoesn’thitright”unlessitiskeptatanappropriate temperatureataconstantrate.Theanonymousprofessorhopesthattheir advocacyencouragesotherpainkillerenthusiaststoadvocatefortheirownrights, andpushtomaketheHonorsCollegemoreinclusiveandfuture-minded.
DanGerth,ragingmisogynist,underfireformaking underpaidstudentworkerwashnastyassdishesintheHC kitchen
DanGerthfindshimselfinhisfirst controversyof2023afterallegationsof himforcingafemalestudentworker andpersonofcolortowashthenasty potheusedtomakeveganpierogies lastDecember.Thestudentworkerwas traumatized,andfeltthatthetaskwas “misogynistic”tobedelegatedtoher, and“outofherpaygrade”considering thatpotwasabsolutelyrancid.When askedforcomment,Gerth,aged immortal,simplysaid,“Doeveryonea favorandtellAbbytoshutthef*ck up”.Thisstoryisstilldeveloping. Moreupdatestocome.
THISWEEKINSPORTSBALL:STLCITYFCcompletes
MLSexpansiondraftbasedsolelyonthesexappealof
players
TheSTLCITYSCteamwillplayitsinauguralseasonthisspring,and todoso,youneedateam.Outsideoffreeagentsigningsand conscriptingcollegeathletes,STLCITYSCbuiltitsteamusinga goodolefashionedexpansiondraft.Anexpansiondraftisjustafancy wayofsaying“poaching”.However,intendingtokilltwobirdswith onestoneviamarketingandhavingateamtomarket,STLCITYSC decidedtocompletetheirdraftbyonlydraftingplayersthatteenage girlsonTikTokwoulddubas“pantydroppas”.Thisway,theycould captivatethemale/sportlovingaudiencebyplayingsoccerand captivatethefemaleaudiencebyhavingabsandwearingtightshorts whilstlookinggoodinthem.Executiveswiththeteamhaveseen greatsuccessusingthisapproach,seeinga500percentincreasein seasonticketsales.WehereatProvincialHouseTimesareexcitedto followtheirseasonandbringyouexclusivecoverage.
scandal
Assaultchargeshavebeenfiled andchaoshasensuedfollowing aconfrontationoveran alumni’screditcard.Thealum cameinscreamingaboutDan usinghiscardtobuysmokes andTacoBell,ratherthan suppliesforthisyearsTrivia Night.
ThealumconfrontedDaninhisoffice,punchedhiminthe face,andburnedthebuildingtotheground.Moreonpage 69.
MSDbegsSTLresidentstostopflushingPercocet downdrain,gettingfrogshookedonprescription painkillers
TheMissouriSewerDistrictiswarningofyetanother epidemicintheSaintLouisarea.Whiletheeffectsof COVID-19arestillfeltglobally,cityofficialswarnthat thisnewdisease’sarrivalmighthaveevenmore detrimentaleffectsonthearea.Earlierthisweek,the SewerDistrictfoundabnormalitiesinthecitysewers. Accordingtothewaterengineers,theyhavenoticeda severeincreaseofPercocetconcentrationinthecitywater supply.Theincreaseinconcentrationisestimatedtobe about420%fromlastyear’sconcentration.Evenworse, localbiologistshavenoticedextremechangesinthelocal frogpopulation,citingthePercocet-riddledwaterasthe culprit.Highlightsofthechangesinbehaviorofthefrogs includehomoeroticnuderaves,extremefondnessforEDM music,andanewfoundaffinityforneonfashion statements.OfficialstellProvincialHouseTimesthatitis importantthatSaintLouisresidentsstopflushingtheir prescriptionmeds,astheeffectsonwildlifeare “unpredictable”.Whenaskedabouttheeffectsofthe drugsonthehumanresidents,cityofficialsshruggedand said“naturalselection”.
TheProvincialHouseTimes “AlltheNews, Whetherit’sFitto PrintorNot!”
LATEEDITION TODAY:Newyear,new you,newstew!Here’s what’shappenedsofarin theyear. COST:$4.20 PROFESSORANDLOCALFEMINISTFIGHTSFORMORPHINEACCESSIBILITYINTHEHONORS
DanGerthconfrontedoverspicycreditcardfraud
Whichsideofthebenchyousittingon? Fillerbroughttoyouby:Abby’scameraroll
THISMESSAGECOMES FROMTHEOFFICEOF DICKTATORAYRES,LLC WEINTERRUPTYOURREADINGOF BRAINSTEWFORAMESSAGEFROM
WhatthehelldidIjustread?“BrainStew'smissionistoprovideforthePierre LacledeHonorsCollegestudentbodyaforumforuncensoredfreethought, commentary,andcreativity,aswellasnewsandeventlistingsfromPLHCSAand otherrelatedcampusorganizations,”yakyakyak!WepublishALOTOFTHINGS. Like,thingsthatmakeEdregretevertakingajobattheHonorsCollege! We’vebeenpublishingsince1991(or1993).LongerthanDan’scarhasbeen running,somehow.Wemustbedoingagoodjobthough.Despiteourbest efforts,grown-upskeepgivingusawards—stufflikeBestSustainedProgramin 2012and2017,andBestCulturalAwarenessProgramin2018.Evensomeshady committeecalledthe“NationalCollegiateHonorsCouncil”gaveusawardsin 2017,2018,andProgramoftheYearin2020.
Disclaimer:Weissuenocontentguidelinesbeyondthoseofstate,local,and federallaw.Allcontentistheresponsibilityofthecreator.UMSL,PLHC,PLHCSA, andtheBrainStewstaffareinnowayobligatedtoprintanything.Inshort,submit whatyouwant,butwedon’thavetoprintitifyou’rebeingalittlemonster! Howtosubmit:Sendyourstufftoumslbrainstew@umsystem.edu
Howtostalk: @umslbrainstew@UMSLBrainStew 你一直在讀燉腦！ (YouhavebeenreadingBrainStew!)
